Six. Fallout
A colourless sky was stretching drearily across the capital of Zaibach, fog that had been washed inside the city from the coast crawling slowly along the streets. The façade of the Arcadia Hotel was wet and dark with morning dew and the few illuminated windows glowed like yellow eyes, blinking every now and then when a curtain was moved.
Hitomi averted her green eyes from the window and white satin sheets ruffled softly when she turned on her back. Staring at the ceiling, she took a deep breath and felt a familiar fluttering in her stomach, like a thousand butterflies suddenly awaking and rising in a swirl of excitement.
Closing both hands over her eyes, she felt her cheeks heat up beneath her palms, images of the day before flashing through her mind. The expression in his eyes. The feeling of his skin beneath her fingertips. The softness and taste of his lips. Her blood roaring in her ears. The memories were fresh as if it happened only minutes instead of more than twelve hours ago. She felt her heartbeat speed up by only thinking about it.
She couldn't believe herself. But at that moment, it had seemed the right thing to do. When he had told her not to meet him again, she had known she would miss him. She would miss his music, would miss his fingers stringing the violin, miss his smiles, the way he ruffled Merle's hair, the softness of his voice. And maybe for the first time in her life she had known what she wanted and what she didn't want. She hadn't wanted to miss all that. She had wanted to be with him.
And she had kissed him. She had felt his surprise, his hesitation, his shyness. She had thought she had made a mistake, had thought he would push her away but when she had felt him respond ever so slowly, she couldn't help but grin and pull him even closer.
She had tasted the promise of something worth all the pain and masquerading. She had wanted to believe him.
They had pulled apart, dazed, like waking from a dream and when looking up at him, she had found something in his eyes she had lost a long time ago. Something precious. Something beautiful. And she had wanted to keep it.
He had been flustered, fumbling for words before finally murmuring, his voice husky, "A kiss isn't an answer, Hitomi."
"I know." She had grinned so hard that if she hadn't had ears, the corners of her mouth would have met at the back of her head, creating a circle.
Van hadn't broken their eye contact nor had he stepped away, keeping his hands on her waist while her ones had been resting around his neck. His warmth was all around her. "Well, what are we going to do about it?"
His breath had tickled over her cheeks and she had looked directly into his thick-lashed, auburn eyes and they had been darker and clearer than ever before. She noticed that she had never been this close to him before. "So, you want to do something about it then?"
He had smiled, faintly, and it had been the shadow of one of those smiles he always gave Merle, one of those smiles that lit up his entire face, chasing the shadows from his eyes and crinkling their corners. It was a smile that made him look younger, more boyish. "That's just what I said, isn't it?"
Hitomi had wanted to burst with happiness and the feeling had almost overwhelmed her. It was unfamiliar. Something she hadn't been used to for a long time. She had felt playful all of a sudden. "It's a bit inappropriate at the moment though. I've got the interview now and my flight departs this evening."
"Yeah, your timing is pretty crappy." His eyes sparkling mischievously, Van had rubbed his thumb softly over her cheek and a warmth had pooled in the pit of her stomach that made her forget it was winter.
"Are you complaining?"
He had grinned at her indignant expression. "You could have come up with that earlier."
"If I hadn't come up with it at all, we wouldn't be standing here now. You could have done something." She poked his chest and his smile was like his music, a reflection of his thoughts and dreams, a shy answer to the question he read in her eyes. "How about I call you when I'm in Zaibach or something like this?"
He had agreed and they had parted. And now, she was overanalyzing things. She was giddy and happy, happy like she hadn't been in a long time. But there was a voice in the back of her mind, reminding her that she had been in a situation like that before. Almost exactly the same. Frighteningly similar. And it hadn't turned out like she had wanted to at all.
She couldn't silence the voice, she didn't want to make the same mistake again. Not ever. And it resulted in doubt. She wasn't so sure anymore. Wasn't so sure if it had been the right thing to do. Wasn't sure if it hadn't been too soon, too rushed. Was she?
The covers landed on the ground when she angrily flung them away and got out of bed. The floor was warm and she padded across the bedroom. It smelled sterile for not a single guest stayed long enough to leave an imprint and the traces they left were swept away the next day. And she wasn't going to change that.
She was just another face in the doorway and when she was gone everything would seem as if she had never been there. She wondered if people remembered her, if people remembered her and not just her music, if people would still remember her even if she didn't have the music.
And somehow, thinking about it made her shiver despite the warmth lingering in the room. She needed a coffee. She needed to clear her mind.
The living room was silent when she entered, the gray light from outside splashing onto the floor and against the walls. Hitomi was hardly able to stifle a horrified shriek by noticing a slight movement out of the corners of her eyes and finding a dark silhouette outlined against the window.
"Goddammit, Yukari!" Hitomi was breathing heavily, glaring daggers at her friend. Her hands had tightened around the backrest of the couch, her nails digging into the soft leather.
Yukari Uchida had an unusually detached expression on her face when she approached, dropping two newspapers on the couch table. "Real smooth, Hitomi."
Green eyes narrowed in confusion, she stepped closer and cast a glance across the covers. Yellow press. Big headlines. A photo. She gasped. "Oh shit."
"Understatement, my friend. Understatement. Bloody fucking hell would be more appropriate." Yukari crossed her arms in front of her chest, distress now settling across her features. "Was there something you wanted to tell me?"
Hitomi had stepped around the couch and skimmed the articles, her eyes seeming to widen with every line. Adultery. Affair. Illegitimate child. Every word was like a blow to her stomach, forcing the air out of her lungs. And his name. His name was everywhere.
"Hitomi?"
Yukari had to call out two more times before she got a reaction and Hitomi seemed to wake from a daze. Her head snapped up, her eyes clearing when she blinked and in a blur of white and rustling newspapers she was on her feet. "What's the time? I have to call him!"
"Hitomi, calm down." The redhead reached out to place a hand on her friend's shoulder but the young woman jerked away, her eyes darting restlessly across the room.
"Calm down?!" She stooped to pick up one of the magazines and waved it in front of Yukari's face.
The photo on the cover was slightly blurred, the image enlarged too much. The people on the photo, however, were still recognizable as Van and herself, kissing, her hand softly placed on his cheek, his hands resting on her hip, Merle clinging to his leg. It was all there. In colour. "Look at this! They're going to molest him! They're going to lay siege upon his apartment until he is left no choice but to come out. And Merle. Gods, what did I do?"
Hitomi sat back down on the couch and buried her head in her hands, breathing heavily. The magazine seemed to laugh at her through the slits between her fingers. On the photo she could see the wedding ring on her finger, the irony mocking her.
What did she do? Had she been too selfish? That moment, she had wanted him. All of him. She had wanted him, his voice, his smiles, the way he looked at her, the way he made her feel, everything.
She hadn't thought of the consequences, she hadn't thought of anything. There had been only herself and the urge to never let him go.
The couch dipped slightly when Yukari sat down beside her and a comforting warmth spread from the spot where she placed a hand on Hitomi's arm. "I already tried to call him. He doesn't pick up."
There was no accusation, no reproach. Gratitude pooled inside Hitomi's stomach. "How could this happen?"
"You tell me." The redhead smiled and Hitomi returned it weakly.
It seemed to her as if it had been just a dream when she told Yukari about the day before, about their fight, about their kiss. And suddenly it seemed so far away, as if it had happened a lifetime ago.
Yukari sighed but the smile refused to disappear all the way from her features, leaning casually against the corners of her lips like a silent observer. Watching. Knowing. Understanding. "It was just a matter of time when this was going to happen."
"What do you mean?" Green eyes narrowed. "I noticed that I was more than just physically attracted to him only yesterday. How would you have known?"
"I meant the press, Hitomi, and that they were going to find out that you were seeing Van on a regular basis sooner or later." The smile lurking at the corners of her mouth returned onto her face as a grin and Hitomi blushed. "However, I knew you were going to find out that you liked him sooner than later. Sometimes you're too dense for my own good."
Had she not noticed that she had felt something for him the entire time? She had known that she was interested in him the moment she had heard him play the violin. Before, he had only been one of a thousand other ones, exceptionally handsome when looking at him but faceless after passing by, his eyes and features soon forgotten like the memory of a dream. But when she had heard him play, his image had burned itself into the retina of her mind, leaving a mark she would never forget. And she had wanted to know how it was possible. She had wanted to know what was behind the music, what made it grow into this unique painting made of melodies.
Could it be true
Can life be new
Could it be all that I am
Is in You
But had there been more than interest? More than attraction? "This is all my fault."
Yukari rolled her eyes and stood up, leaving a fragile cloud of Boss Woman hovering in the place where she had sat. "Stop pitying yourself, this is nobody's fault. It happened, you cannot change it, you cannot make it undone."
A shadow fell across her when Yukari stepped in front of the window. "There's a bunch of reporters waiting down there in front of the hotel." Only half an hour ago she had thought everything had been a dream, now she wished it were one. Yukari's shadow shifted slightly. "You okay?"
"I don't know."
"Well, it's a change at least. It was getting a bit boring anyway. Was about time for some drama." Hitomi heard the grin in her friend's voice, casualness and slight cheerfulness laced between the words but she knew Yukari was anything but. "What now?"
Hitomi looked up, her brows raised. Yukari's face was cloaked in shadows. "No suggestions?"
"No, not this time. It's your decision." Yukari bowed lightly, her red hair sparkling. "I'm just the vessel who'll do your bidding."
"That's a first."
She shrugged and crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Well? What are you going to do?"
For a brief moment, Hitomi's eyes unfocused, looking past Yukari and past the city behind her, seeing a hundred different possibilities she could choose from, missing a thousand. She blinked, looked at Yukari, looked at her own hand in her lap, looked at her past. "A few things."
She was surprised at how easily her wedding band slipped from her finger when she took it off. It cast a ring of weak, golden light onto the table where Hitomi placed it and by looking at her hand she found a slim line around her finger, the skin of a lighter colour where the band had been, reminding her of what once had been.
It would fade with time, like a memory.
The heels of his shoes clicked over tiles when he crossed the huge kitchen but the sound was drowned by the deafening noise of sizzling oil, clinking dishes, knives chopping away on vegetables and yelled orders that were thrown from one side of the room to the other and back. Gaddes walked past the host of cooks who were busily preparing dinner that cost a month's loan and tried to inhale as much of the delicious scents as possible.
He hadn't slept in two days and he felt just like it. Judging by the looks other people gave him, he probably looked like it as well.
The reason why he hadn't gotten any sleep lately was also the reason why he had to use the same way to enter the hotel the breakfast left-overs took to leave it. People would maul him if he stepped through the front door. Simple as that. If the Valentine's Ball had been a disaster, this was the literal shit that royally hit the fan.
His charge had often gotten herself in unpleasant situations, this time however was different. Gaddes shook his head softly and pushed through the door that led to the staircase. Hitomi Kanzaki had asked him for a favor and he was sorry to bring news that would disappoint her.
Her face appeared in the doorframe a moment after he had knocked and the smile immediately vanished from her features when she saw the expression on his face. The flicker of hope in her eyes died. He wished he could have made her happy.
Hitomi stepped aside so to allow him to enter. The apartment smelt of carnations and restlessness. A movie was flickering over the TV screen but the sound had been switched off, the actors talking mutely with each other.
Gaddes nodded at Yukari Uchida who had stopped pacing and was now watching him, as well as at Hitomi's lawyer who was brooding over a pile of documents. The air seemed even tenser than it had been when he had left them.
The door clicked quietly shut. "Well, Gaddes?"
Turning around, he found Hitomi leaning against the door, her hands behind her back and uncertainty written across her features. "Mr. Fanel was not at his apartment."
Hitomi bit her lip and nodded. The rational part of her had known that Van wouldn't wait for the press to tear him apart. She had known he would leave his apartment, she just hadn't known he would leave that fast. She had hoped he would stay until she had had the chance to apologize.
Gaddes's voice softly broke the silence. "His neighbor said he had left the apartment early in the morning together with the little girl and another man."
Surprised, she looked up and her eyes darted from Gaddes to Yukari who only shrugged. Another man? Maybe she had been right after all. Maybe he really was with Millerna and Dryden. Maybe it would have been better if she had called them right away. If she just hadn't felt so guilty.
Her mobile was immediately found, the number quickly dialed, too quickly for her to bury the feeling of guilt somewhere far away. The coward in her dreaded the reaction to her call. Three rings. A click. A heartbeat passed.
"If you're one of those bloody reporters again, I swear I'm gonna find you and scratch out your eyeballs to play table tennis with them!" an angry voice growled into her ear and Hitomi could imagine Millerna's violet eyes blazing beneath her knitted brows.
She hesitated a moment, the shadow of an amused grin vanishing immediately. "I'm sorry, Millerna."
"Who is this?" The young woman sounded irritated and at the brink of losing her patience.
"It's me, Hitomi." Quiet. Unsure. A coward after all. Trying to imagine the look on Millerna's face.
A brief silence and Hitomi feared Millerna would hang up on her. She was about to say something but almost choked on her words when the other woman suddenly spoke, her voice surprisingly and genuinely soft. "Hitomi, how are you?"
She gave a laugh. Not what she deserved. "I've been worse but I should be the one asking."
"Oh, we're fine." The words were spoken carelessly, almost too carelessly, and Hitomi knew nothing was fine. She felt even worse. Her intention for calling hadn't been to ask how they were doing but to find out where Van was.
"I didn't know 'fine' meant greeting someone with the threat to scratch their eyes out." Millerna chuckled at the other end of the line and sighed, running a hand absentmindedly over her stomach. Hitomi bit her lip, knowing that beating about the bush wouldn't get her anywhere. Millerna knew exactly why she was calling. "They were thinking Van was at your place, right?"
"Yeah, they appeared here even before we actually knew what it was all about."
She was using Millerna. And they both knew it. "Is he?"
"No, Van's not here." Millerna's voice was soft, void any accusation or resentment, and Hitomi was thankful.
"I've been trying to call him but he didn't pick up and I sent Gaddes to his apartment but he said Van was not there." Out of the corner of her eye she saw that everybody was watching her, even Amano had looked up from his documents, a dark brow raised. "I want to know how he is. I want to apologize."
She could hear the smile on Millerna's face. "It's not your fault."
Hitomi thought otherwise. "Do you know where he is? Van's neighbor said that he had left with another man and I thought Dryden had come to pick him up."
"Yes, I know where he is and no, it wasn't Dryden who came to get him but Van's brother."
"What?" She choked on her own words.
"My reaction was along these lines as well, just a little more on the blunt side." Millerna chuckled and her eyes were twinkling when Dryden peered around the corner, a questioning look on his features and she mouthed 'Hitomi'. "Yeah, he left with his brother for Adon. It is more than unlikely that anyone will find out where he is for not even Van knew where Folken lived. Do you want the address or telephone number?"
Hitomi could barely stop the smile that was about to break across her lips. "The address, please."
The faint melody of a lullaby was hovering in the air, penetrating the walls when coming from the apartment above. The voice singing was fragile, soft. The voice of a woman.
Sunlight cast long shadows around him onto the floor and warmed his back, reflections dancing over the shards of a broken glass. He was sitting on the ground, holding Merle in a tight embrace while softly rocking back and forth, her whimpers muffled by his shirt.
She had finally stopped struggling. She had finally stopped screaming. Stroking her hair gently, he felt her shiver.
"Van?"
Opening his eyes, Van looked up at the man who was sitting on the couch and was watching him worriedly. He was resting his elbows on his knees, his hands fisted in his aqua-blue hair. Van hadn't seen him in years and he was surprised how much Folken's features now resembled those of their father. "Is she okay?"
Van glanced at Merle who was clutching the fabric of his shirt tightly and shook his head tiredly. "No, she's not. She doesn't know this apartment, she doesn't know you, she's not used to anything around her right now and it scares her."
"Will she get used to it?" His brother seemed slightly uncomfortable, wringing his hands uncertainly, his eyes darting around and refusing to meet Van's gaze for too long. Van knew that it was a new situation for Folken as well as for him and Merle. They weren't used to each other. To his brother he was a stranger, something that did not belong in the world he was used to, like a scar in someone's face that you didn't want to stare at but couldn't stop yourself to do so and the harder you tried not to, the more often you looked.
And ever so slowly, Folken realized that he was looking at his own face in the mirror. There were two scars marring his skin, one older and fainter, the other one young and fragile, but both burning whenever he looked at them. Van and Merle were both scars in his face, scars in his life, reminding him of the mistakes he had made. And whatever he did they would remain until his dying day, maybe fainting with time, maybe forgotten some day but always there.
Van finally looked back down at Merle, releasing the unconscious but tight hold he had had on his brother. "Eventually. But it will take a long time. You can't imagine how long it took me to get her to go to the daycare."
Merle stirred when he touched her head softly and her soft, tired voice resounded loud and broken in the silence. "Home. Where is home? Want to go home." Her world was like a house of cards and someone had just taken away two cards at the bottom, making it tumble to the ground. Her unfamiliar surroundings latched onto her with cold hands, like a nightmare from which she couldn't wake up and she clung tightly to Van. His voice, his scent and his warmth were the only things she knew, the only connection to her world, providing a stability she so desperately needed.
"I'm sorry but we can't. Not now." Van tucked a strand of pink hair behind her ear and tried to find her eyes but she continued to stare at the ground, her fragile body pressed against his one as if she was trying to crawl into him to hide and cry and wait until everything was over. "This is your home for the moment."
She jerked her head away when he tried to touch her chin and make her look at him. "This is not home."
"I know." He kissed the top of her head softly and looked at their reflection in the dark, smooth surface of the TV screen.
It's been two days since the reporters appeared on his doorstep. Two days since everything went wrong, two days since his status quo changed once and for all, two days since he had left Fanelia. And he knew that things would not go back to normal, at least not back to the "normal" he had been used to.
He had been surprised when Folken had called him. They had remained in contact, if one call a year counted, but they had hardly talked a lot or met each other for that matter. It had always just been an update, checking if the other one was still alive in the most superficial way, nothing profound, nothing important.
Van had been in a situation when he hadn't known what to do. Merle had been screaming and fighting him while a bunch of strangers had tried to storm his apartment and he had felt completely helpless, something he could not deal with. He hadn't been able to remember a time he had felt that weak.
Folken's call had been the answer to his unspoken wish for help. His brother had said he would come get him and Merle and that was what he had done.
"You sent her to a special daycare?" Folken's voice shook him out of his thoughts and he looked up.
Van nodded. "For half a year now. I had to go to work and she needed special treatment that I cannot give to her. She has an affinity for numbers and patterns and they can provide the support she needs."
"That's why you stayed in Fanelia? Because of Merle?" Folken was still watching him rocking the cat-girl softly back and forth, the little girl lying limp and lifeless in his arms. It seemed as if she had given up, as if she knew all the screaming and struggling wouldn't bring her back home.
Van's eyes turned distant for a moment before he focused his attention on Folken again. "She was a reason, too, yes. But it wasn't as if I had anywhere else to go."
Folken nodded and his gaze swept across the living room, over the chairs that had been thrown over, the glass that lay shattered on the ground, his brother who was sitting calmly on the carpet. Nothing was where it belonged, everything was out of place. However, seen from a different point of view, one thing was out of place. He was out of place, watching the life of someone else.
With a soft shake of his head, Folken stood up and walked to the open window, his footsteps muffled by the carpet. "Do things like these happen often? The screaming and fighting, I mean."
"It is hard to draw a line because 'things like these' as you call it is just the way Merle is, Folken." Van's voice wasn't bitter or accusing but patient, so patient that Folken wished he were screaming at him. "There are better days and there are worse ones."
A cigarette fell quietly into Folken's palm when he shook the packet he had pulled out of his jeans pocket. He twisted his upper body slightly and looked down at his brother, the cigarette dangling from his lips. "You want one?"
Looking over his shoulder, Van merely raised a brow. He hadn't known Folken smoked. "No, thank you."
They turned away from one another at the same time, their backs facing each other. They hadn't seen each other in three years and had nothing to say. They were brothers and didn't know the other one, didn't know their differences, didn't know their similarities, not anymore. They had become strangers that shared the same parents.
Van didn't even know if he had missed his brother, he didn't know what it was like to have him around, he didn't know how to miss something he did not know. He stared at Folken's shadow that fell on him and stretched over the ground at his feet. A lighter clicked in the silence. Once. Twice. Folken took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "I'm not like you. I couldn't do that."
Van sighed softly. "This is not about skill, Folken." He still hadn't understood. After all these years, he still hadn't understood.
"Do you think me a coward, Van? Because I left when Mom and Dad started to yell all night long about you and your career? Because I did not return when Merle became a half-orphan? Because I did not support you?" Folken's voice was quiet and Van almost believed a masochistic part of his brother wanted to be thought a coward. It would make everything so much easier for him.
"I'm not reproaching you." Merle's breath was softly tickling his skin, her body still in his arms. It seemed as if she had fallen asleep but her hands were tightly fisted in his shirt, her ears twitching, and he knew she was listening to every word. "Just like I don't reproach Mom and Dad. We all made a decision. They did what they thought was right as did you and I. The least you can do is stand up to it."
Folken took a drag from his cigarette, the tobacco crackling quietly when the amber burned it to blue smoke. Blowing the smoke into the wind, he watched the fragile tendrils being twisted and torn into non-existence. "You're just like Mom. She always managed to make me feel guilty without even noticing it."
In the silence that followed, Folken finished his cigarette und stubbed it out in an ashtray that was resting on the windowsill, a puddle of rainwater gathering at its bottom. He stepped away from the window and sunlight washed over Van again. "I've got some things to settle but I'll be back for dinner. Let's say I cook something that will have your taste buds scream with joy and you explain to me how exactly you managed it on the cover of a dozen newspapers and magazines."
The jingling of keys sounded clear in his ears when he took them from the counter and turned only to find his brother watching him intently. There was something about Van's eyes that made him slightly uncomfortable, and maybe it was because he never knew what his brother was thinking. Folken didn't know him well enough. He didn't know Van at all. "What?"
Van averted his eyes and slowly rose from the ground, carefully lifting Merle to her feet as well. "How long have you been staying here in Adon?"
"A bit over a month now." Folken had already wondered when Van would come up with this topic, the coward in him dreading the moment. It meant he had to explain why he had been avoiding his brother, why he hadn't called. He was thirty-five years old and couldn't bring a simple apology over his lips. "I would have called you anyway, with Adon being relatively close to Fanelia and all. It's probably the first time we're living in the same country since I left."
As soon as the words left his mouth, Folken felt stupid. It sounded like an excuse. It was an excuse. An excuse his brother didn't want to hear, an excuse he hadn't asked for. "Folken? Why did you help me?"
Van hadn't asked for an explanation, hadn't demanded justification. "I was already asking that myself. I don't know. Maybe when I saw you on the news I thought it was a good time to start righting a wrong."
"Why after all these years?" Van was watching his brother cross the living room and grab his coat that hung by the front door.
Folken's hand stilled on the door handle. "I always tried to talk myself into believing that late is better than never."
"Thank you." And Folken knew if he apologized for leaving his family, for deserting his brother thirteen years long, for neglecting his half-sister, Van would accept it. He wouldn't give Folken the satisfaction of carrying a grudge against him, wouldn't give him the contempt he was so desperately craving for to punish himself with. Van would forgive him.
Folken gave a laugh and left the apartment, his reply so soft that Van almost missed it. "You're welcome, Van."
Silence decided to seek his company again after the door had fallen shut with a quiet click. Van didn't mind silence. It had always been quiet in their apartment and somehow the silence comforted him, resembling what he had been used to. When he closed his eyes, it seemed as if nothing had happened. But he wondered if he wanted it like that. He hadn't minded when Hitomi had turned everything upside down, hadn't minded the change, had enjoyed it.
She had taken away the silence and order from him and in return, she had given him something else, something that could be better than what he had known if he just let it happen. But wouldn't it be selfish? He hadn't minded the change but what about Merle? She hadn't taken the change as good as he'd thought in the beginning. But how he had wished she would. He had wished she would be able to cope with it, would accept the new situation, the new person in their lives.
But there was more to his pathetic little wish than Merle accepting Hitomi. He just hadn't known it. He hadn't wanted to know.
Now she needn't only to adapt to Hitomi but also to a brother she never knew she had, to a new city, a new apartment, a new daily routine. It was going to be a hard. Yesterday had been worse than any day ever before. Merle hadn't been able to understand that the cups weren't in the place they were supposed to, that her bedroom was different, that there was no school to go to and that the park wasn't the one she knew like the back of her hand. It wouldn't be different today. Only this time, Folken had seen to it that he wasn't at home when it started.
Van sighed and looked down at Merle who was clinging to his leg, not knowing what to do. Lately, nobody seemed to know.
He spent fifteen minutes on coaxing Merle into drawing him a picture, twenty minutes on roaming the apartment in search for something to do, three quarters of an hour on sitting on the couch and staring at the opposite wall.
When the doorbell rang, he almost jumped out of his skin.
Panic surged through him. Had they found him? Here, at the back of beyond? Nobody knew where he was except for Millerna and Dryden and he could trust them to keep it a secret.
Paranoid, that was the only word to describe him. Shaking his head slightly, Van got up and went to open the door, curiosity looking over his shoulder. Maybe it was one of Folken's friends. Maybe it was the woman who had called yesterday, claiming she was Folken's girlfriend. Maybe it was Millerna.
He froze upon opening the door. Dejá vu.
One month ago. Green eyes. A hesitant smile. The scent of sunshine and happiness. Clear laughter. An evening spent forgetting. The selfish desire to see her again. The urge to keep her. The realization that things could change with one word. The word never said.
Maybe it was Hitomi.
Could it be this
Could it be bliss
Can it be You
Can it be You
"Can I come in?" She seemed nervous, her eyes darting back and forth between his eyes and the words printed across his shirt. Her hands were tightening around her scarf.
Nobody had been able to tell her how he would react, what he would do, what he would say. She feared he entirely blamed her for what happened, feared he didn't want her in his life anymore, feared he would tell her to leave. But she knew he wouldn't and even if he did, she would not go. Not before she had apologized.
And nobody had told her how she would react. When she looked up at him, it seemed as if her insides turned upside down, her heart in her mouth. His features conjured every memory of him in her mind and she wanted to reach out and touch his face, be close to him.
The silence was unbearable. He took her in as if he couldn't believe she was really there before his gaze darted over her shoulder, scanning the hallway behind her.
"Don't worry, only four people know I'm here and they know better than telling it to anyone."
He blinked and shook his head, the ghost of a smile brushing his lips. "Sorry for the paranoia."
Relief washed through Hitomi when he stepped aside and she entered the apartment. The situation was so familiar and yet it couldn't be more different. She missed the scent of wood and clean laundry that had been present in Van's apartment, and the cozy and slightly disorderly atmosphere.
This room was cold and tidy, except for the place where Merle sat on the ground. It smelled of coffee and faintly of cigarettes. "Is your brother here?"
"No." Van closed the door and scratched the back of his neck. "How do you know?"
"Millerna."
He exhaled and after rubbing his eyes, raked a hand through his tousled hair. He seemed extremely tired. Catching the concerned look on her features, he said, "I didn't get much sleep this night."
"I was just about to ask how you are." Hitomi wrapped her arms around herself, trying to rub away the goose bumps that covered her skin.
Van walked past Hitomi towards the counter, inhaling her mild, tempting scent, the scent he had missed. "I'm fine. Merle's the one who's not so well."
Guilt. One sentence and the feeling of guilt tightened painfully around her stomach. Out of the corners of her eyes, she saw the cat-girl kneeling on the ground. "Van, I'm so sorry. I'll get everything right, I promise."
"At least, we've got a picture of our first kiss." A trace of anger in his biting tone.
Sarcasm was something unfamiliar coming with his voice and she was slightly taken aback. She looked at him and found a smile on his lips that left his eyes completely untouched. "Van, this isn't funny."
His smile vanished when he exhaled. "Really? I didn't notice."
Hitomi crossed her arms in front of her chest and narrowed her eyes. Taking a step backwards, she stared at him. His attitude was thoroughly unsettling and untypical. And unfair. "Why are you being so cruel?"
"I'm sorry." Van sighed and tapped his fingers on the counter. "It's just that this is exactly why I told you we shouldn't see each other anymore. And it would have been alright but then you had to kiss me and I couldn't do anything but be selfish. See where it got me?"
She blinked, startled, and an indignant expression crossed her features. This wasn't the way she had wanted this conversation to go, hadn't wanted it to turn into a childish argument. Something was going wrong. "Well, I'm sorry but you're not the only one suffering here."
He snorted. "Oh yes, I forgot, the mask of your perfect life and perfect career and perfect marriage got a scratch."
She looked as if he had hit her across the face. He couldn't have hurt her any more. It weren't the words. She had heard things like that before, had heard people talk bad about her behind her back, had heard lies to last her a lifetime. But it had never affected her, not once. Up to now. And it was because he had said those words. She felt the back of her eyes prick and anger flared inside her. Anger because he could hurt her, because he did hurt her, because she let him hurt her.
His expression shifted immediately and never had an emotion showed more clearly on his face than regret did right then. He regretted what he had said but it was too late. The words had been said and couldn't be made undone.
Her hands were fisted and she was hardly able to stop her voice from shaking. She felt betrayed. "I thought you knew me better. I thought I knew you better."
"Hitomi — " A noise interrupted him and they both turned to look at Merle who had risen from her position on the floor, uttering deep, almost guttural growls while crossing the room aimlessly.
Immediately, Van was beside her, pinning her arms to her sides and trying to speak to her over her screaming. The noise was painful to hear and to watch, high-pitched and filled with so much fear and panic that Hitomi felt her insides twist. Her anger evaporated when she looked at Van. He was smiling.
She admired and envied him for his strength and patience, remaining sure and calm when everything seemed to crumble. She was hardly able to imagine how hard it must be for him, how hard it must be to watch his sister suffer so much, how hard it must be to find the strength to get up in the morning again, hoping that day would be better than the last one.
She swallowed. "Van, what is wrong?"
"Things aren't in the place they're supposed to be. She doesn't understand." He tried to pull Merle into a hug but she fought so hard that he had to let her go again so she wouldn't get hurt.
A determined expression settled on his features and his gaze flickered to Hitomi before he swiftly rose from the ground. Ignoring the blows he was receiving, Van picked Merle up and carried her to a door across the room. He gave Hitomi an apologetic look and disappeared in the adjacent room, closing the door softly behind him.
She stood rooted to the floor, unable to move. She was angry at herself, at her inability to help. It wasn't the first time she was in a situation like this and yet she still felt completely helpless. What was she afraid of? That she could do something wrong? That she wouldn't be able to handle it?
Merle was still screaming and she could hear Van talking softly, patiently.
She bit her lip, hesitating in front of the door where Van had disappeared. "Van? Can I help you?"
"No, it's okay." Something shattered and she could hear him say Merle's name over and over again but the crying only intensified.
Hitomi's hand closed around the doorknob, tightly, and she turned it slowly. She wasn't going to stand by and watch, wasn't going to run away. Not this time. Not again. "Van, I'm coming in."
"NO!" His voice almost broke but his panic yell was too late and Hitomi froze before she could even open the door completely, her eyes wide.
The corners of her vision blurred and she could only stare, stare and doubt her senses. There, right in front of her was something maddeningly surreal, something unearthly beautiful, something that was older than words because there were no words that could describe, could grasp it. So close and yet so far away. It was as if she was looking at another world, another time.
Van was kneeling on the ground in front of Merle, pinning her arms with his hands to her side. She was still uttering inarticulate words, her chest rising and falling quickly but her voice was getting quieter, her attention focused on the pair of shining white wings that was folded above Van's head, bent in a majestic arch.
He had shed his shirt and feathers were brushing against his skin where they had broken from his back. They were of the purest white she had ever seen and seemed to glow from within, even the ones that were lying on the ground.
Hitomi had pressed both her hands against her mouth and was watching. Goosebumps covered her arms and sent shivers down her spine. He was beautiful. Painfully beautiful. And there was something bittersweet about this image, the angel holding the crying girl.
"You're a draconian," Hitomi whispered, afraid that her words, her mere breath, would shatter the reflection of a dream in front of her. "I thought your kind had been extinguished completely."
Or so printed history spoke. She had read it in the books like every other child at school had. She had heard the stories told by wrinkled lips. With awe, they spoke of the rise of the being that was thought to resemble perfection. And with contempt, they spoke of the downfall that proved the greatest fallacy of perfection was perfection itself.
He looked up at her and his eyes held the answer to every question that was on her mind but she couldn't read them, too confused, too scared. "Obviously not."
Her gaze roamed over his entire being, yearning to carve the image forever into her memory. "Are there more?"
"I only know of one more." His voice was gentle and soothing like his hand on Merle's cheek. When he shifted to allow Merle to hide in his embrace his wings moved gracefully with the motion, weightlessly as if they were made of children's wishes. She thought she had seen real beauty, now she knew she hadn't up to this moment. "My brother."
"Who...?"
She couldn't finish the sentence, the words lost in a turmoil of thoughts, one forgotten as soon as it flashed through her mind for the next one had already covered it. However, she didn't need to finish it. He knew what she wanted to know, he could read it written across her features. "My mother."
Hitomi nodded, her eyes darting back and forth between Merle, his eyes and the wings. "And Merle?"
"I don't know. She has never shown any sign and I remember that my wings grew the first time when I was four years old." There was a wistful smile lurking at the corner of his mouth, one that knew of times when everything had been different and when he hadn't even known what future had in store for him.
She didn't know why he was answering her every question. "Does anyone know?"
Van ran his long fingers softly through Merle's hair, his eyes distant when he looked at the floor. "Apart from my father, only Millerna and Dryden. I don't know if Folken told anybody."
She saw Merle shake. He saw her fingers tremble. "Is she okay?"
"I don't know." Van slowly folded his wings so that Merle could reach out and touch them. "It doesn't happen often that she has an attack that bad but the wings somehow calm her. Hitomi, why are you here?"
Catching her bottom lip between her teeth, Hitomi watched him. Watched him caressing Merle's hair, watched him breathing slowly, watched him watching her. She had already wondered when he would ask. "I wanted to make sure you're alright. I wanted to see you."
"Are you sure? Is this what you want? Could you handle it?" His questions made her lose her balance, sending her reasoning stumbling. Looking into his eyes, she found shaded solemnity and auburn apprehension, nothing that would have helped to clear her confusion.
"Van..."
"It is not easy, Hitomi. It is not like the life you were living before. It isn't even close to it. It involves a lot of restrictions und renunciation." He sounded so sure, so serious. As if he wanted her to leave.
Anger briefly flared inside her and a side of her awakened she had wanted to send to sleep forever. "So, I'm a spoiled brat who can't deal with responsibility?" Defiance. Unasked for.
Van did not avert his gaze, his eyes speaking all that his words did not. "That's not what I said."
She faltered, knowing she was being childish, knowing he was right, feeling ashamed. An apology died on her lips when she decided that she shouldn't say any more, shouldn't stay any longer. If she did, she wouldn't be able to leave after all. "You have a life of your own, you know?"
"What do you mean?" Dark brows knitted and cast even more shadows across his eyes, his wings moving softly with the gentle rise and fall of his back.
Hitomi inhaled deeply, trying to soothe her wildly beating heart. That was something she had always wanted to tell him but had never had the courage to do. She had never criticised him before. She had known things would change. Had he? "Every decision you make or don't make is linked with Merle in one way or another. But she won't always be there. She will need help but she will have a life of her own. You're not meant to be by her side every minute until the end of your life. You're not forced to be a martyr."
His eyes were still on her and it didn't help her nervousness at all. "What's that got to do with us?"
"It's okay to be selfish every once in a while. Ask Merle, she doesn't mind." He lacked the selfishness she overdid. What an odd couple they made. "I don't suppose you've been reading any gossip lately. I announced my divorce."
The expression in his eyes changed from confusion to surprise. He obviously had not expected that. "Hitomi, I'm –
She had prepared for both situations. She would have stayed if he had asked her to. She would go if he wanted her to. He hadn't asked either of it, she would make the decision. She knew they both needed time to adapt to the new situation or at least, that was what she was making herself believe. "Don't apologize. You've been honest, that's all. I'm gonna take a break, go on vacation and start something new I guess. Maybe I'll find something I can do apart from music. You said I could. I won't be bothering you any longer."
"Wait." Wrong word. Again. Like so many other times before.
Stay. Say it! Say it!
She stopped on the doorstep but didn't turn around. One part of her begged her to stay, wanted to seek shelter in the arms of the angel and another part told her not to turn around and leave. She had listened to the former and it hadn't done her any good. She would try the latter.
Her green eyes were trained on the violin case that was resting against the shelf beside the door and she knew she would miss his music, would miss his voice, would miss him. "That's what you wanted, isn't it? Goodbye."
She briefly braced her right hand against the doorframe when she left the room and Van noticed that there was no wedding band on her finger. He called out after her and she wished she hadn't heard his words.
"What are you running away from?"