Lunch arrived and they all sat to eat, talking about everything and anything but avoiding the big question of why Johanna Beckett had disappeared for thirteen years. Kate wanted to know. She was dying to know, but she tried to restrain herself. She decided to let her mother get acclimated to everything before asking the questions. Looking up from her plate, she saw Rick looking at her. He seemed worried. She squeezed his knee under the table and smiled slightly. Truth was, she didn't want to smile. She wanted to curl into a ball and cry her eyes out. It was too much. Too many contrary feelings at the same time. She was happy that her mother was back with them, of course, but at the same time she felt less happy than the day before. It was as if having her back again had woken up all the fears and sadness that she had managed to get past these last few years with Rick. As always, he seemed to know what she was thinking. He took her hand under the table and caressed it. It calmed her instantly.

When they finished eating, Kate went upstairs to put Emily to bed for her nap. She liked these moments with her daughter. She spent at least ten minutes kissing her, caressing her, rocking her before putting her in bed. Then she spent five more minutes singing to her as she fell asleep. She was so beautiful. So innocent. Sometimes Kate wondered how she managed to create such a perfect human being. When Emily was asleep peacefully, she quietly got out of the room and closed the door behind her. Kate leaned against the wall and let herself slide down to the floor. She couldn't contain herself anymore. The tears wouldn't stop. She felt the sobs shake her but she couldn't do anything about it. It was as if she was trapped in her own body. And she knew this feeling all too well.

Downstairs, Rick was getting worried. He could see that Kate was not feeling good during lunch. She tried to put up a brave front but she didn't fool him. She had been gone for quite a while now and he was getting concerned. Of course, he knew that she liked to take her time with their daughter, as if to make up for the time she spent at work. But tonight, Rick was afraid that she would break down under the pressure. After a few more minutes, he couldn't take it anymore. He excused himself and went upstairs. When he turned the corner, he saw her. She was curled up on the floor, sobbing silently.

"Oh Kate!" he said, running to her. He pulled her into his arms and caressed her hair and her face gently. It usually calmed her down. It didn't seem to work though. Her breathing was getting labored and short. Panic attack. It had been a while since she had one.

"Jim! Paper bag!" he yelled, not caring if Emily woke up.

Her parents must have been in the kitchen because they came running in a few seconds. Jim handed Rick the paper bag to help his daughter breathe. Johanna was standing at the end of the hallway, a hand over her mouth, her eyes wide, shocked to see her daughter like that.

"Oh my God! I did this to her. I ..."

"Jo, stop. It's not your fault. She had some episodes like that before. She's just in shock. She needs some rest." Jim said.

"It is my fault. I show up and she faints. And now she's having a panic attack. It's all because of me!" Johanna said, crying.

"Not … your … fault." Kate managed to say through her paper bag.

"Don't talk, honey. Focus on breathing." Rick reprimanded her gently. "Come on, just breathe."

They all stayed silent for a while. Rick could feel that Kate was falling asleep. He picked her up and carried her to Alexis's room. He put her down on the bed and let her sleep. In the doorway, Jim and Johanna were looking worried.

"She's gonna be fine. She just needs to sleep for the moment. Jim, could you call my mother please? I think none of us are able to look after Emily right now. I need to call the precinct and Dr. Burk." Rick explained as Jim nodded.

O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O

Rick had just come back from checking on Kate when the front door burst open.

"Dad! What happened? Is she ok? Where is she?" Alexis asked, running to her father.

"She's fine, don't worry. What are you doing here? Don't you have some classes today?"

"Not in the afternoon. I was at Gram's when Jim called. What happ … Oh." she said when she noticed Jim and Johanna making coffee in the kitchen. "Is that ..."

"Yes, it's her." Rick said. "She came back yesterday. Jim brought her when he came with Emily. Kate had a panic attack earlier but she's fine now. She's sleeping in your old room. Where is your grandmother?" Rick asked, finally noticing that Martha was not behind Alexis.

"Well, hum ..." she started, red getting to her cheeks. "I may have urged her to go quicker and she may be trying to talk th officer out of giving her a ticket." Alexis explained, looking at the floor.

"I know you were worried but she's fine." Rick said, taking her into his arms.

"Can I go see her?"

"Sure. But don't wake her up. She really needs to rest."

When Alexis was upstairs, Jim, Johanna and Rick moved to the living room. Just as they were about to sit, Martha came in.

"Hey kiddo! What happened?"

After explaining once more the events of the day, Rick made everybody sit. Alexis came back downstairs, looking relieved.

"Johanna, this is my mother, Martha Rodgers, and this is my daughter Alexis." Rick introduced them. "Mother, Alexis, this is Kate's mother."

"You have a wonderful daughter Johanna." Martha said, hugging the woman. "You don't mind me calling you Johanna, right?"

"Of course not." she smiled.

"It's just … I feel like I already know you. We learned a lot about you through Kate's and Jim's stories. Don't worry, they were always nice stories." Martha continued.

"She really is wonderful you know." Alexis said. "She the best mom I could have ever dreamed of. She's a better mom to me than my own mother. And she talked a lot about you. It was clear that she was sad that you were not here but she made sure we knew who you were and how close the two of you were."

"That's really nice Alexis, thank you. And I'm sure you are a good daughter to her too." Johanna answered.

"It's simply the truth. She's really extraordinary." Alexis continued. "She always here when you need her, even if she's busy with work. You can always count on her to give you the best advice or comfort you when something's wrong. You can be proud of her. Really. I can't imagine how happy she must be to have you back. Once she's past over the shock, she gonna be over the moon to have you here."

Shock. That was the main emotion after Alexis's speech. She had managed to voice everybody's thought effortlessly.

"You have a wonderful daughter Rick." Johanna said, trying to hold back the tears she felt were coming.

"I know." he simply answered, proud.

When Emily started to cry, Alexis got up to take care of her. She was really close to her baby sister, despite the nineteen years between them. She had always wanted siblings and now she had one. And she was sure she would have at least another one someday. When she reached her sister's bedroom, she saw that Kate was already there, changing her.

"Kate, you should be resting. Go back to bed, I'll change and dress her."

"I'm ok Alexis." Kate smiled. "A bit shocked but I'm ok. Don't worry about me. I just have to get used to the idea of having a mom again."

"How do you feel about that?"

"I don't know, and that's what is bothering me." Kate answered, sitting in the ricking chair in the corner of the room, Alexis sitting on the floor in front of her. "I should be happy. I am happy. Beyond happy even but … I don't know. I can't seem to be able to stop crying. When my dad brought her, I fainted. I fainted! I've seen horrible scenes in my job Alexis, I've seen people die in front of me and I didn't faint then. Yet I do when I see my own mother? Something must be wrong with me."

"I think it would have been weird if you hadn't fainted." Alexis said.

"How so?"

"Well, the horrible scenes and the people dying … of course it's awful but they're not related to you. Your mother is. I think it would have been weird if you hadn't had any strong reaction. Of course you're happy to see her. It's even beyond the stage of happiness and that's why you have broken down. I thinks it's completely normal and healthy. If you had just acted like you were happy and everything went back to normal as soon as you'd have kissed her or hugged her, then you would have had a problem."

"Wow … I think these psychology classes you're taking are really working for you!" Kate said, really surprised by her step-daughter's analysis of the situation.

"Yeah? I really like what I learn." Alexis answered, blushing.

"It seems to be … your thing." Kate said.

"Really? Because … I kind of thought that becoming a psychiatrist would be good. I mean, there was an intervention last week at university and when Dr. Martin described her job it seemed really interesting. I know it's hard but at least you're useful to others, you know. I think it's what I want to do."

"Psychiatrists are really useful and helpful, believe me. "Kate said. "You'd be very good at it Alexis. I'm sure of it. I mean, you're always considerate of people, always trying to help. And I'm sure the 'study hard' part of it doesn't scare you one bit." she laughed. "Now come on, let's go back downstairs."

Kate put Emily – who had fallen back asleep after being changed – back in bed. She put an arm around Alexis's shoulders and went to join the rest of her family.

O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O

Just before dinner, Dr. Burk showed up at the loft. Kate was thankful Rick had called him because she really needed him right now. He took Kate and her mother into Rick's office. First separately, then together. There was a lot of crying, a lot of hugging, and a good part of what Alexis had said earlier was repeated. After almost an hour, Dr. Burk was ready to pack his things.

"Don't forget what I said, ok? Just do what you feel like doing. Act on these feelings that can be overwhelming right now. If you want to cry, you cry. If you want to see each other in the middle of the night, just do it. You are not the same people as you were before you were separated. You need to talk everything out. It's gonna be hard, for both of you, but you have to get to know each other all over again. Kate, you have the week off, I'll call your captain. If you cannot sleep, take these," he said handing her a prescription. "I know you don't like medication but you really need to sleep. Oh, and look out for your father. He's taking the situation too well for the moment. He's going to break down at a time or another. You need to make sure he doesn't start to drink again."

"Of course, we'll watch him. Thank you doctor. I must say, I've never been a fan psychiatry but that was really helpful." Johann said, shaking his hand.

Once he had left the apartment, Kate joined Rick in the kitchen and hugged him tight, whispering "thank you" in his neck.