Standard Disclaimers Apply

A/N : This fic was originally called "Our Present is the History of a Future With a Different Past... Or Something" but it wouldn't fit in ff's title box.

-Black Haired Spike-

Spike rolled his eyes. "You're a nimrod, pet. Do something useful and see if the connection with Red works." He turned his attention away from his childe and spoke quietly to the Slayer in front of him. "Now, as fond memories as this brings back, the girls did recommend not killing anyone while we were here if we could avoid it, so, how about we step back and talk a piece, yeah?"

"N-not killing sounds g-good." One of the mystery blonds spoke up. "Maybe we can, um, sit down and discuss what each of us was looking for and maybe we can help each other?"

The Slayer nodded shortly. "Fine, talking it is." He snickered slightly, she had a pair on her this one, acting like she was doing him a big favor by not being killed. But then, from what he remembered, she had always thought she was something more than another disposable girl in the line.

"Brilliant." Spike let go and stepped back with a slight bow towards the table covered with old books and notes. "So Xanpet, anything from Red?" He looked at the living witch and amended with a smirk, "Our Red, that is."

Xander was staring with some irritation at his palm display. "I dunno, I've got a signal but it's too weak to actually talk. I'm trying to send a plain text and it's taking forever..."

The living Xander moved nervously close enough to look over his vampire counterpart's shoulder and gaped. "You've got a holographic PDA cell phone? That connects across alternate universes? I would so not be complaining about signal strength!" Xanpet gave him a 'oh really?' look which caused a small, only slightly hysterical, giggle. "Well, okay, obviously I would, because you're me, or at least a demonic future version of me and you are, though the me me doesn't even have a cell phone so to some extent the point still stands."

If there was any justice in the world, Xanpet would have given his bumbling human counterpart an aloof sneer, demonstrating the inherent superiority of demons. Instead he giggled back. "Yeah but you said 'I would' which means what you would do in my situation, and in my situation you would have a palm display that you were totally used to and that Wills swore up down and sideways would work to keep us connected in the past and how do you figure alternate universes?"

"Well it must be, right?" The human Red said excitedly. "Like you said earlier, you're younger, well physically younger at least than our Xander, so you must have been turned earlier, but Xander isn't turned, which I'm really happy about, no offense to you because I'm sure your me likes you better as a soulless demon since from what you said she is one herself..."

"But you aren't, so breathe, Wills!" Human Xander put in. Spike lowered his head into his hand for a moment and thanked all the gods that might listen that their Red had stayed in the present to maintain the spell. If there were four of them...

"Yes well," an older human who had been quietly recovering from a head injury stepped in, "Clearly the ritual pulled these two from an alternate reality, most likely, considering Anya's participation from the, er, Wishverse where the Master took over Sunnydale."

Spike snorted loudly. "Don't think so, mate, Old Batface was dusted by Slutty the Vampire Layer here before I met any of this lot. Speaking of meeting, why don't we back up to the introduction stage, shall we? Obviously you all recognize me and my Childe, and I know who Red, Xan and Slutty are... you look familiar too."

"This is Giles, Spike!" The younger vampire grinned and clapped the Englishman on the back. "He was the Buffinator's watcher, remember? I wanted Dru to turn him as a research vamp but you said you couldn't deal with another childe with us still so young..."

"Oh right!" Spike nodded sharply, recognizing him now. "I had to tell you the whole story of me mum to stop you from trying to turn him yourself." They had been vaguely planning on coming back for the man, he recalled, but then they got caught up in their African adventure and the Watcher had died before they finished.

"I don't know those two, or the girl who ran out when we got here, though. Hi girls, I'm Xander! Um, but you knew that." Spike tried to resist banging his head on a handy shelf. His childe was never, in a dozen centuries, going to be suave.

One of the women stepped forward, and Spike got a feeling that even though she smelled fully human, there was something hidden inside her. "I'm Anya. This reality's Xander and I are dating. This is my second opportunity to see two Xanders at once and last time we didn't have time to all have sex. I'd be very interested in seeing how vampire stamina would effect his already impressive ability to give orgasms."

The human Xander pulled her out of the way before Spike could do more than growl and talked to her quietly about appropriate suggestions while gesturing to Xanpet in a way that was apparently meant to convey how very much this was never ever going to happen and that everyone should pretend they hadn't heard the suggestions. From the others' reactions, he figured this was a standard plan.

"I'm T-tara... I'm, that is Willow and I are, um..."

"She's my girlfriend, and a very powerful witch." Red put her arm around the shy blond's shoulders, and Spike couldn't help but smile a little. Xanpet responded more openly, giving a double thumbs up and a big grin.

"Way to go, Wills! Making with the witchy smoochies!" Then he turned and pointed at his sire. "And in your face, fang man!" What the hell? Spike glared, waiting for either an apology or an explanation. "You always said that if we hadn't been turned, me and Wills would have stayed repressed and straight forever, and I said 'no, Wills would have come out in college and I would have eventually had to work as a rent boy to survive' and here she is with a hot college girlfriend!"

"And here is me, very straight and not at all repressed!" Spike smirked at the human Xander's reaction, looked like he was right on one out of two at least. "And I have a good job in construction, I'll have you know! I'm an assistant foreman! No renting! Er, boying. Rent boying."

"Hey, really? That's great, man! Way better than prison guard, am I right?"

"Oh yeah, that's what they said at that stupid career day and wait, when were you turned?"

"Yes, that might be more helpful information," the Watcher said stuffily - but then how else could he be expected to say it? "It would be best to know where our two realities diverged if not with Buffy's arrival in Sunnydale, how far in the future these vampires are from, and what their purpose in coming here was."

"Right then, shorter than my boy here is likely to give it to you, I brought Xanpet and Red to Dru as presents after she broke up with me over that entire Acathla fiasco and fighting Angelus. She turned them both and we all lived happily ever after for the last, I dunno how long..."

"Seventy four years, Spike! You do know because our 75th anniversary of being a family is coming up and Wills and I both want to do something special and you keep pretending to not even know how long it's been!" And now his childe was pouting at him, and worse, it looked like a pout of actual hurt, as opposed to a pout of wanting to get shagged through the nearest surface. Not that the two always required different responses.

Knowing he looked like a complete ponce but figuring he could kill any of the humans who pointed it out, he slipped his arm around Xanpet's shoulders and stroked his hair. "Come now, luv, don't be like that... You know I love you, can't imagine a world without you and Red too. Just never been one for remembering anniversaries and round numbers of years gone by." The boy was relaxing a little and Spike kissed the turning mark Dru had left on his neck, remembering the times he had drank from it and fed Xander his own blood, acting as a second sire to both former white hats, just as Angelus had for him. "Besides, like to think we do something special just about every time the four of us are together..."

"Wills and I weren't planning an orgy." The grumpy tone was lost in an unnecessary but complimentary gasp as Spike started nibbling on his childe's ear and stroking his chest. He wasn't doing things exactly like Angelus, after all - neither Xander nor Red had reason to resent him. "Well, okay, we weren't only planning an orgy..."

"You know, Xander, it really isn't safe to leave our Spike in that crypt all the time and we have plenty of room..."

"I love you Anya, but I am not having a threesome with Spike either!"

Xanpet pulled away with a breathy laugh and aimed a smirk at his human counterpart. "Hey man, don't knock it till you've tried it. I mean, a couple of centuries of experience and not needing to breathe? Plus, when you get turned, even your tongue gets vampire strength." Spike preened happily as the boy turned a wide variety of interesting colors.

"Ahem!" Oops, got the Watcher hot and bothered too, and now he has to stop the fun before anyone notices he's something other than annoyed. "I believe we were waiting to find out exactly why the two of you were trying to travel into the past when our ritual somehow pulled you into our reality."

"Oh well, short version, because I kinda zoned out every time Wills explained the long version..." His child managed to dodge the slap aimed at his head without losing his place, "was that we were aiming for the point at the very end of Glory's incarceration on Earth when she was known to be in Sunnydale and we were supposed to be in Africa and wouldn't run into ourselves. So we need to find her energy key thing and mystically chop it in half so that we can both use it."

Several things happened very quickly at that point, and Spike saw the Slayer lunging for his child with a stake as he heard the twang of a crossbow from where the watcher had positioned himself behind a counter. Both of the unprovoked attacks missed the heart, but he'd had enough and lunged for the blond annoyance ready and willing to break her neck. He caught sight of the human Xander out of the corner of his eye grabbing an ax, but he was too far away to be a serious worry.

Well, that's what he thought before the young man sliced through the top of the heavy curtain over the shop's large picture window, flooding the room with sunlight.