AN: I feel like I haven't updated in years, sorry if it feels like that for you too. Between this, another fic, and the stupid stupid men in my life haven't really had the time. Anyways, Its almost done so everyone that's been asking for fluff the next three chapters are for you.
She's breaking his heart. It's a fact that should cause her pause but it doesn't. She can't let it. For the last two months she had given Finn time to come to terms with the end of their relationship. Every conversation they had held an air of finality that he just refused to accept. There were nights where she felt so exhausted, so emotionally drained that she couldn't do anything but lie in bed. Somehow, those nights were easiest. When she could just be, no pretending, no brave face, just her; tired and unsure. Every other night was torture. She went out with Santana dancing away a frustration that never really left her psyche. She went to the spa with Kurt gossiping as though he didn't go home to the brother who happened to be her unwanted boyfriend. Her friends were all a reminder of the life she didn't want. While everyone else was a remind of what she didn't have. Quinn with her sympathetic smiles, Tina with her all seeing eyes. The boys and their obvious disappointment. It was all too much, and there was no reprieve until she was alone. She had lived for the nights where she could feel the way she felt without all the pretence and judgement.
Rachel waited as long as she could, gave Finn as much time as she could. The diplomas had been given, the songs had been sung, speeches made; it was time. She could do without the audience but that was just one more thing currently out of her control. His eyes still held a spark of hope and she had no idea why. She never gave him anything to hold on to, how could she have, when she didn't have anything to hold onto herself. And yet as she approaches him he smiles where she frowns, reaches for her where she steps back and none of it makes any sense. Its graduation. That was all she could say, all she needed to say. His heart is breaking. She can see it. It should hurt her, damage her in some way but she has nothing left for him. Her sanity is on the line here, and she can't be concerned with anyone else but herself. Was that callous? Did it matter. He says all the things she knew he would and she responded exactly the way he knew she would. They do the dance, they stick to the script and in the end they've wasted just the right amount of time. And that's all they were. What had started out as the milestone of a first love had turn into this caricature that served no purpose in the grand scheme of their lives. Finchell had served its purpose and she was ready for the real thing, the thing she knew she could have with Noah.
When it's over, really over, nothing changes. He exits stage left with his family and the scene continues as if he'd never made an appearance. And that's how she knows she did the right thing. She had no urge to reach for him. No nostalgic desire to watch him go. Rachel simply turns to her friends, her audience and continues to live. They talk about the after party, and the summer. Some talk about moving, some talk about staying and Rachel waits to feel different. Even as they thin out, leaving to spend time with family before getting readying for the nights debauchery, nothing changes. She doesn't feel any different when she sits with her dads, or when Shelby comes by with Sophia. She doesn't feel any different when she gets in the car with Santana and they drive over to Britney's. She doesn't feel any different until she sees him. Across the room their eyes meet, and for the first time in a long time neither looks away. She raises her glass to say hi and he repeats the gesture before returning to his conversation. It's the most communication she's had with him in months and it affects her more than the epicness that should-have-been with her break-up. Noah is what makes her feel good for the first time in too long.
He knew she would be there, there was no way she wouldn't be. And he knew she was single, as did the rest of the Lima, Ohio population. That mattered to him for reasons he wasn't really ready to explore. It had been hard at first to keep his distance, to ignore the way he felt about her and the things he wanted from her. When he'd gotten a scholarship to Columbia he was sure that God hated him. And then he'd been kind of happy they would be in the same city. He never planned on speaking to her but the thought of sharing the city with her had been comforting. It wasn't until he saw her enter the room that he was sure God didn't hate him, no it was definitely the opposite. She looked good. Not upset or heart broken in any way. She looked happy. And unless his eyes were playing tricks on him; she looked hopeful.
The corners of his eyes hurt so much he could only imagine the stupidly blissful look on his face at the moment. He doesn't know why he didn't look away. He doesn't know why he raised his glass. He knows that the longer he looked the happier she seemed. He knows that the second he lifted his arm her eyes sparked. And he thinks he knows that maybe a little bit of that hope in her eyes had something to do with him. But she just broke up with her boyfriend not six hours ago and he isn't that guy anymore. He doesn't want to be a rebound, or a fall back. He doesn't want to be the guy she goes to because he's the guy that's always there. He wants something real, something substantial and genuine. And even though he wants that with Rachel, he knows she isn't there yet. He keeps an eye on her the entire night. Now that she's on his radar again he can't seem to help it. He's aware of her every move, every laugh and flicker of gold in her otherwise perfectly mahogany eyes. By the end of the night, he doesn't know if it's the optimist or the sadist in him but he thinks that even though she may not be ready for him right now, she definitely could be one day. Soon.
She's missed the feeling of his eyes on her and she'll never understand the confidence his gaze brings. She feels… powerful, almost; knowing that she can capture his attention. That out of all the women in the room, she's the one he chooses to look at, to admire. And she meets his gaze now. Not shyly, behind her boyfriends back. No she meets it head on with no reservations. She wants him to look, wants to look at him and she wants him to know it. There was a freedom with being single, it wasn't one she planned on enjoying for long but still a feeling she enjoyed. He was being cautious, she knew that. She also knew why. But she was in a position now to take her time with him so she would. Because Rachel didn't need to be worried about anyone's heart but her own anymore. And her heart was his.