A thousand thoughts swirled the room suffocating its inhabitants, it seemed as if an eternity passed before someone broke the silence.
"Why her?" Damon's voice remained slow and steady although his head was whirling a thousand miles a minute.
Bonnie thought for a short moment, "Most likely…" she paused, "she chose her because of her selfless tendencies, her compassion, the good in her.
The moment that Bonnie finished her explanation Elena lightened up, "Well she chose wrong because I won't kill Klaus, not if it means…" she fought against her will to look to Damon and Stefan, she couldn't think about that right now, "killing his entire bloodline."
Immediately the atmosphere in the room changed, Bonnie looked to the floor avoiding the wandering eyes. "What is it Bonnie?" Jeremy's calming voice provoked her to speak again.
She slowly looked up at Elena, "Ultimately," she braced herself, "you may not have a choice."
Elena bit her lip anticipating the 'unless', but it never came. But her hope returned as Bonnie began to speak again, "Elena, the last thing I want is for Klaus to die because that would mean losing you and Caroline and my mom and Stefan." She made it prominent that losing Damon wouldn't faze her, "But this is bigger than us now, Klaus isn't just a threat to this town he's a threat to this world."
Elena took a deep breath, "I need some time to process all of this. Thank you for coming Bonnie." She said sincerely as she began up the stairs to her bedroom.
She sat on her bed after closing her blinds turning her room pitch black. She rested against her pillow struggling to capture her thoughts. What did all of this mean, to her, to Damon and Stefan, to Jeremy? She focused every thought on the events of the morning but her thoughts always wondered back to her memories, she had seen them two separate times now but after her trance ended she couldn't remember what it was. The only memory of the visions was Damon. She reached to her side sliding her hand over her crowded nightstand in search of the green leather-bound diary, the last diary her mom gave her. Tearless sobs set in realizing the amount of time that had passed since she last thought of them. She ran her fingertips over the rough material, what would they think about this? They were vampire hunters, they obviously would never have wanted this for her, but neither did she. She hoped and prayed that they would accept her, that their love for her would overcome the fact that she was a monster now. That she was the bump in the night.
She writhed in her bed wordlessly calling for comfort. John. Her dad had given his life so she wouldn't become this but now she was, it was a slap in his face. He had died for nothing, and now he was gone.
"I'm gonna' start going through the remaining grimoires…" Bonnie's voice trailed off as a silent invitation.
Stefan wanted to stay he wanted to be here for her, and god forbid protect Jeremy from her. But he knew that if she attacked Jeremy he wouldn't be able to control himself, he and Damon exchanged a look, a silent agreement of protection. "I'll help you." He finally said.
"I'll stay here for now…" Jeremy said, suddenly remembering his sister was now a vampire, "if you think it's okay?" directed at Stefan.
"No worries little Gilbert, I'll be here in case your sister goes on a murderous rampage." Damon smirked as he spoke but felt uneasy about his words, talking about Elena killing. At the same time it excited him, he thought of killing with her, hunting with her.
Damon sat on the couch in awe, in awe of everything Elena has been through and has yet to go through, in awe of his professionalism in all of this, but most of all in awe of her calmness, her acceptance of everything. Then it began to sink in as the adrenaline from almost losing her wore off, she chose Stefan. Again. She left him there to die alone, severing any slice of hope that still remained. But then…she said maybe if we met first…and we did. No, he couldn't keep doing this to himself that was simply her way of trying to comfort him; her memories wouldn't change the fact that it would always be Stefan. He shook these thoughts from his mind, he hated her, and loved her all the same, he wanted to leave, to start to move on from her but first he had to know that she was safe, that she was okay. So, he would stay, for now.
But little did he know that knowing what she now knew did in fact change things, it changed everything, but that was nothing new because things had changed a long time ago.
He should stay down here far away from Elena as possible, but then again when did he ever do what he should?
He sat up from the couch and it shifted from the loss of weight as he turned around walking behind Jeremy. He shot him a warning look telling him to stay put as he started up the familiar walk to Elena's room. He stood in the open threshold of her uncharacteristically darkened room and took notice to her tense form. He inched closer to her and although her back was to him he could tell that she was upset, he could always tell when she was upset. He walked around to see her eyes forced shut and her knuckles growing white from holding onto her pillow so tightly.
He held back his snarky comment as he laid down next to her placing his hands behind his head. His gaze shifted from the ceiling to her, "You okay?" he asked thoughtfully.
She smiled inwardly at his concern; she loved this side of him, the side of him reserved for her. She opened her eyes to look back at him before she spoke, she opened her mouth trying to find her words but the only thing she could find was a mumbled plea and with that she furiously shook her head.
She sat up and she looked stunned, as if just gaining information that had been obvious. His eyes questioned her as she avoided him but after a moment of squirming she settled into a sitting position staring at herself in the mirror across the room. Everything around her faded except for herself and soon all the figures of those she's lost sat beside her.
"It's all my fault, Damon." She said breathlessly, she couldn't see him but she could sense him still with her. "God, what would my parents think of this?" she laughed silently at her carefree teenage girl tone, "They'd hate me, they'd hate what I've become, they'd hate that I was the monster that they spent their lives keeping from me." She couldn't look at the faces in the mirror anymore so she focused on her hands that rested in her lap.
"They wouldn't hate you Elena, nothing could change their love for you." He sounded like such a softy, he sounded like himself with her.
"Yeah?" her tone was mocking, "Something changed in your dad. I mean I wasn't even their daughter, I was only their niece they raised and now I've become the thing they hated the most." He words flew faster than she could comprehend and she immediately regretted the comment about his dad. "I'm sorry I-" she was cut off by his hurt expression that was soon replaced with his cold emotionless one.
"No, you're right Elena." He was finally faced with the cold hard facts that he had avoided in his 160 sum years, his father killed him, he hadn't loved him.
She continued to vent to him, she had to get these thoughts out before her head exploded, "John died so that I could stay human, and now? Now all of that was for nothing. I hated him my whole life but he still sacrificed himself for me. And Isobel…" she didn't even know where to begin with that, "Even though I hated her I loved her, she was my mom, but I never got to tell her that, she died knowing the only thing I ever told her, that she was a monumental disappointment. Jenna, oh God Jenna. I couldn't save her, if only I had stopped being selfish and cut myself from you and Stefan than she would still be here and Jeremy wouldn't be alone." She opened her mouth to start again but was cut off by Damon.
"Jeremy's not alone." He comforted her.
"Yes, he is. The girl you knew is gone forever, Damon. And soon enough I will be too." She had previously decided that she couldn't stay here anymore; everyone believed she was dead, but the main reason being that she had to protect Jeremy, not only from her now very dangerous self but also this world. And she couldn't be what broke apart the brothers, so she would suffer through an eternity alone.
His brows furrowed in confusion, "What does that mean?" he asked her weakly.
She sighed, she hadn't meant to tell him "I'm just upset Damon." She lied and thankfully he bought it. She let her body fall lifelessly back onto the bed beside Damon as she tried to remember what she saw in her trance. She bit her lip and turned her head to study the man that lay beside her, she remembered a feeling she had as her life slipped out of her grasp, he had always been there for her. It was a feeling unlike any other, through all of her rejections and their fights he never left her, he was always there, even now after she chose his brother again he stayed with her. She couldn't do this anymore, she was already overwhelmed by her feelings for both of the brothers and now she knew her feelings for Damon, and it wasn't something she could ignore if she was with Stefan. She had to leave, she had to leave and let them finally find some peace from the chaos that was her life, but what was going on with her? She couldn't leave without figuring it out, could she? Bonnie said she might not have a choice and surely that won't change whether she's here with them or across the country, it was a fate she couldn't escape but she wouldn't drag down her friends with her. She remembered the fleeting feeling as she wished for more time, another moment to tell him what she never had, she made a thousand promises to God if he just let her tell him, tell him how she felt but never had before. But God had given her that chance, and this was it. But how could she possibly tell him everything then leave? She couldn't bear the look on his face, but she couldn't just leave him a note, "Oh hey Damon I'm leaving mystic falls to protect you because I'm in love with you, see you…never!" yeah, that wouldn't work. The least she owed him was to be honest with him, at least once.
She took a deep breath and turned on her side to face him. She took in the sight of him and noticed everything she never truly had before, the shine of his hair and the way it was angled away from his face as he laid down, the slight pout of his lips, the barely noticeable rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, the smell that she had come to know as purely Damon, bourbon and simply him. She shook her head out of these thoughts and scrambled her brain for her words, for any words to make him understand.
"Damon?" she said knowing she already had his full attention.
He looked back at her expectantly and took in the sight of her, every time he saw her she seemed more beautiful than the last. The way her hair fell over her shoulders, her brown eyes that held more emotion than he thought possible, the smell that was purely Elena, she always smelt of vanilla and simple her.
She didn't know what to say, where to begin. So she tried to remember what she wrote in her diary about him, about them, about her feelings for him.
"I don't even know where to start…" her voice faded off as she voiced her thoughts.
He sighed, he knew where this was going, "No need to worry, Elena. As soon as we figure out what's going on with you I'll be out of your and St. Stefan's hair."
Her face dropped, how could he even begin to think that was what she wanted, she grew angry, furious even at how he assumed she didn't want him around. But more than any anger she felt she was afraid that she wouldn't have another chance to tell him, so she pushed his statement behind as she felt the words flow easily now.
"There are so many things that I want to tell you, that I want to make you understand, but not even in my eternity could I begin to make you understand how I feel. How your love for me drew me like a moth to the flame and consumed me whole, how it scared me more than any death I have ever faced. How I feel when you touch me, it leaves a burning trail on my skin, the way my heart skips when you say my name how you do, how my feelings for you were always wrong but always felt right." She scoffed in spite of herself, she sounded like she was reciting a book but these words, and they were the closest things she had to making him feel how she did. "I never wanted to be a vampire." I repeat as I had many times in the last day, "But I will never regret my decision to save Matt...and you. I would die a thousand times over again if it meant saving you, I could never regret that. I'll never regret the things I felt when Stefan pulled him from the car. The pain of my lungs inhaling the water was forgotten, the only thing I could understand the only coherent thought I had was that I never told you." A smile found its way to her face at her incoming words and realizing she didn't keep one of them, "I made a thousand promises to God, pleas to the witches, and I begged the devil to make a deal with me, to just give me chance, give me a chance to tell you what I never had, what I never let myself even think." Oh god, how was she going to say this, how could she say this, but she had to, she had to say it once, out loud, to him, for him. "I don't know how to tell you that you were the only constant in my life, I don't know how to tell you that no matter what you did I could never hate you, I can't even begin to fathom how much you mean to me…" oh no, this was it, this was really it, no backing out now. Her voice was soft, and had he not been a vampire wouldn't have heard her next words. "I don't know how to tell you that I love you, that I'm in love with you." She wanted to run away right now, to leave Mystic falls this second, but her feet wouldn't allow it, she had to hear his response.
He blinked, this was not happening, he fell asleep on the couch and this was all a dream, he blinked again, no he was in her room, okay so he fell asleep here. He blinked again, okay none of this was a dream, she had just said the words that he longed to hear from the moment he knew he was in love with her, that he was in love with her too. He wanted to rip her heart out, to stake her, to kill her because those words changed everything for him, he wanted to kiss her, to make love to her, to make her his in every way possible because those words changed everything for him. He opened his mouth but no words could describe the joy and happiness and anger and sadness that he felt right now and thankfully he was saved from himself, from his words as her lips crashed against him sucking any thoughts from his head. His entire body and mind focused on his lips, on the feeling of hers against his own, the feeling of her hand against his jaw, the feeling of her hair in his hands, the taste that was purely her. He responded to her kiss and pushed himself into her then rocked back to pull them off of the bed and against the wall. She pulled away from him and looked longingly into his eyes before he caught her lips with his own again. He trailed kisses from the corner of her mouth down to her jaw and neck before she pulled his head back up to look into her eyes again. She pulled away from him as he tried to kiss her again and he was confused and it showed on his face.
"I love you Damon." She repeated and a smile, a genuine smile covered his face as he opened his mouth to return her words he was cut off, "But I don't deserve you." She said finally, she rubbed her hand along the side of his face, "You deserve so much better than me, someone so much better than me." The confusion returned along with anger at her words, "I'm so sorry I could never be who I wanted to be, who you deserved me to be. But now you'll finally have the chance to find that someone." She pulled away from him and he understood what she was saying, that she was going to leave, leave him and Stefan and Jeremy and Mystic Falls. She turned around to face him again, "I can make you forget…" she knew that with this power she could surely compel him, she wanted him to remember her to remember how much he loved her and how much she loved him, but she knew that he could never really let go if he remembered her. A look of panic filled his eyes, he didn't want to forget, he couldn't forget, he couldn't forget the way he felt about her the way she felt about him, he couldn't forget her lips on his, her words the words that changed everything in him.
"Take me with you." He pleaded, he couldn't even begin to think about living without her. This was exactly what he had done with Katherine, sat and begged her to take him with her to take him. This was what she did to him, this was really him, desperate to be loved, desperate to love, desperate for her.
A look of pure joy that she had not experienced for along time shot through her at these words, she wanted to, she wanted to take him with her, to run away with him, to run to the edge of the earth with him, but she couldn't do that to him. She had been no better than Katherine, and he deserved better. But she couldn't think that he would just let her leave and be okay with that, but he wouldn't want her to take his memories and yet she had to try again. "I can take them away, I can take it all away. I can make you forget that you loved me, I can make you forget all the times I hurt you." That last one was more for her, she was so ashamed knowing how much she hurt him. "But I can't take you with me," her words broke his heart and it showed on his face, "Even though I can't begin to think about suffering through an eternity without you I don't deserve you, Damon. I never really have. I love you, and that's why I can't be selfish with you, I don't deserve you but someone does." She repeated the words he said to her in her memory.
He turned them around so she was against the wall, he slammed his fist hard into the wall beside her head and she flinched, "NO! Selfish is you running away from all of this, from Jeremy and Bonnie, from me!" he yelled, "Selfish is you telling me that you love me and then expecting me to just let you go!" he didn't know how or why he went from desperate to this angry but he had to make her understand. And the feelings flooded back, he wanted to kill her more than anything, to make her feel how she was him, ripping his heart out.
Tears were streaming down her face and her voice was shaking as she looked into his eyes, "You know that I left town, you'll miss me for a little while but you know it's for the best, protecting you and Stefan and everyone in this town." She began.
Tears were streaming down his face too and he forced himself to look at the floor, he couldn't forget her he wouldn't. But as she stopped speaking he repeated her, "You left town, I'll miss you but it's for the best. It's protecting me and Stefan and everyone in this town." His voice was monotone and he felt himself starting to believe it, so he held onto their conversation just moments before, her words. "Please, stop, don't make me forget you." He didn't allow himself to look at her because he was afraid with every second that he would forget, forget his love for her and hers for him. He forced his eyes shut hoping she would respect his pleas and with a gush of wind she was gone from under him, the only remnants of what had happened was a hole in the wall. Fear ran through him, fear that he'd wake up and none of this happened, that she was gone for good, that the next time he closed his eyes he would forget everything, forget her. But then he felt calmed by the thought of her leaving, "I'll miss her but it's for the best." He repeated in his mind. "No, No, No! It's not for the best, and it's not okay, I have to find her." He argued within himself.
Elena hovered just on the edge of the woods, daring to go deeper to go farther. She wanted to turn around, to go back to Damon and kiss him for the rest of her life, she wanted to be with him, with Jeremy, with everyone. But she couldn't, it was selfish. Or was Damon right? Was what she was doing selfish? She didn't even know anymore, the only thing she knew was that she had to get out of here, she had to get away from Mystic Fall, away from Damon, away from herself. So she did the only thing she could, she ran.