A/N: Hey, everyone! TiaahTurbulence here…well, Iggymonster now, since I'm more commonly referred to as that now.
Here is chapter 9! Well, technically it's chapter 10, although the last chapter was considered more 8.5.
Thank you for all your kind reviews so far; I look forward to hearing from you. I really appreciate your feedback!
Chapter 9 – How Bad Can This Be?
Gilbert lay in his bed, his head sinking into the pillow underneath him. The pillow was soft as candyfloss, and he felt as light as air…yet his heart felt so heavy, like an anchor pulling him down from his high.
He sighed as he felt the empty space next to him. Just a few hours ago it had been warm. He thought the warmth would at least still have faint traces, but apparently he was wrong. He didn't want to admit that though – his pride just wouldn't let him. He kept feeling around, frantically and desperately searching for the warmth provided by his love, his darling, his world before groaning both in defeat and disgust.
Never had he let emotions engulf him like this. Never had he let such romantic, disgusting, terrifying thoughts consume his mind.
His whole world seemed to revolve around Matthew, and it was so bright, so wonderful, so colourful, with him in it. But now he was gone, and all the colour was drained from that utopia. The flowers had been replaced with weeds, the sky was now a dark shade of grey, and the air was nothing more than smog.
Gilbert rolled onto his side, lamenting over everything that had happened merely a few hours ago. He swallowed hard, knowing he was too strong to cry and yet he felt so weak. He wasn't sure if he ever would see Matthew again. Of course, there was school, but Gilbert knew how protective Alfred could be of those he loved. Alfred would probably follow Matthew around like a lost puppy. Wait, no, scratch that – Alfred would probably put a collar on Matthew and strap a leash on him, careful to not let him out of his sight.
Gilbert chuckled at the mental image as much as he didn't want to, before anger bubbled up inside of him. He clenched his fists and so many violent thoughts slithered around his head.
Who did Alfred think he is to snatch one of Gilbert's prized possessions away? How dare he hurt Gilbert this way. Gilbert pulled a face – hurt. He'd never felt that emotion so strongly before. He'd always deny it, always take the pain and coat it with anger instead. The anger inside of him boiled and bubbled before suddenly fading, being replaced with a new, alien feeling.
Gilbert didn't know how to describe it.
Gilbert didn't know this feeling existed.
Suddenly, humanity took its toll and the anger inside of him evaporated, slowly and gradually fading into something he assumed was sadness.
He choked, holding the pillow to his chest, pretending it was Matthew in his arms.
Why did he feel this way? He was so confused. He'd never felt like this before. No one had ever given him such butterflies, no one had ever deflated his ego in such a good way. Usually when his ego was deflated it was a horrible thing, but when Matthew was around it felt like his cares for himself – and only himself – fluttered away. He cared more for Matthew than he cared for himself, but why?
His eyes widened, although he knew they should be closing. He had a long day ahead of him tomorrow.
He rolled over onto his other side, taking the pillow with him, subconsciously stroking it, hoping it would be what he needed to calm him down. He took a deep breath before slowly loosening his grip and putting the pillow back, slamming his head onto it and hiding himself under the covers.
He wasn't a pansy! Gilbert was a man, a manly man at that, and suppressing his feelings was the only way to retain his masculinity.
Matthew was delicate, yes, but in all honesty not all too feminine. He had the right amount of testosterone to attract Gilbert's attention, to make his heart soar.
He still didn't understand the feeling.
Maybe this feeling wasn't meant to be understood, but embraced instead?
Maybe the rumours were true.
Maybe the stories, the fairytales he'd heard about (but not read, of course), all about love were true.
Was he in love? He honestly didn't know, he didn't know what love was supposed to feel like. But he certainly wasn't complaining over this feeling, not at all!
The only thing he was mentally complaining about was the loss of Matthew. It was almost as if he had died. He was still there, he still existed, he was still alive, but he wasn't there, and Gilbert doubted any possibility of ever being with him again.
As much as he didn't want to admit it, that was slowly killing him.
Unbeknownst to him, that was about to become literal.
Matthew had been hoping to see Gilbert around school, even if they weren't allowed to speak to each other.
Alfred at first was quite protective, making sure Matthew wouldn't sneak off and eat with him at lunch, but that only lasted a month.
Three weeks after Alfred told Matthew to stop seeing Gilbert, Gilbert suddenly stopped turning up to school.
Was he upset? Nah, that wasn't like Gilbert. It wasn't like Gilbert at all.
Alfred shrugged it off, thinking he was either skipping or just too lazy to come to school. He may have come down with the flu or something similar, since it was that time of year.
A month passed and there was still no sign of Gilbert. Alfred wasn't sure what to think. Had Gilbert moved schools? Was he just that pissed off with school that he didn't even bother showing up anymore?
Alfred didn't know why he was so concerned or fretting so much, but the look on his brother's face every day was something that both saddened and worried Alfred.
Matthew, he had noticed, was suddenly a lot quieter if that was possible, and couldn't look Alfred in the eye properly anymore. He felt terrible, guilty in fact, and wondered why he had denied Matthew the right to see him. Alfred was little more than a brother to him – he wasn't Arthur. Only Arthur had the authority to tell Matthew who he could and couldn't be friends with.
Alfred started to suspect there was something going on between Gilbert and Matthew, since he'd heard the rumours too, and he wasn't sure where he stood on the matter. He was definitely in denial about it though. His brother, dating another guy? Preposterous! Arthur wouldn't like that, he wouldn't like that one bit! Alfred wasn't all too homophobic, but Arthur's morals were strict and differed from his own. They often conflicted about that, and their differing opinions often started a lot of quarrels.
Early one Saturday morning, roughly three months after Gilbert and Matthew's last moment together, Alfred sat on the sofa in his pyjamas, phone in one hand and TV remote in the other, engrossed in the cartoons playing on TV. There was nothing else better on TV due to the timing of course, but he'd been up all night and consumed far too many energy drinks to sleep now, so he just went with it.
He heard a rustling which startled him enough for him to stand up and gasp slightly, before looking at the clock and realising it was just the postman.
Alfred giggled at his own reaction before walking to the front door. He decided he would be helpful today – he wasn't in the best mood to get into any squabbles with his father and/or his brother, and collecting the post was a good start.
As he threw the post onto the living room table, one envelope caught his eye. It was red, different to all the other boring white envelopes, and kind of scruffy. The writing matched that, and Alfred gaped as he saw it was addressed to Matthew.
Matthew didn't usually get letters, so Alfred was kind of curious.
He held it in his hands, his eyes darting around the room, contemplating whether to open it or not. How bad could it be? After a moment of heavy pondering, he carefully opened it, making sure to not rip or tear it in fear of being caught.
He'd always been a naturally nosy person and he'd always let his curiosity get the better of him. When the envelope was open, quite neatly in fact (which Alfred was very proud of), he took a deep breath and began reading the letter.
He quickly realised it was from Gilbert; the writing was very recognisable. His eyes widened as he read, before he sat, mouth agape, in shock.
"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit…" he muttered, throwing the letter onto the table once he'd finished reading.
His heart raced and a lump formed in his throat.
"I can't show this to Matthew…" Alfred whimpered, shoving the letter back into the envelope as quickly as possible, not caring about the fact he was creasing it very badly.
What he had just read would kill Matthew – it'd probably hurt his father too, knowing his stance on sexuality. He wanted to burn the letter, eat it, bury it, hide it somewhere – anything to get rid of it before Matthew saw it.
Suddenly, Alfred heard a familiar sleepy voice in the doorframe.
"Can't show what to Matthew?"
Alfred blinked, staring innocently into space, mouth still agape; he had no idea how to reply.
A/N: Ooh, cliffhanger!
I once again apologise for the late update. Writer's block and fandom switches, you see. Those hindrances truly are the banes of my existence. I think it's fairly obvious what fandom I've switched over to with the title of this chapter, heh.
I also apologise for the rushed ending. I warn you now, the next chapter may get emotional – at least, I hope it will. I want this story to make an impact, so I hope I can do it well. That will take a lot of time and effort, so I don't know when this will be updated. It could take days, it could take weeks, it could even take months.
I would like to thank all of those who are still reading! This chapter is fairly short so I can satisfy you before getting into the main plot of this story. This is the build up to that, I suppose. The next chapter will finally be mentioning the main plot device.
Alright, so, yeah, there you have it! I hope you enjoyed it, and I apologise for the length and rushed ending. I really did just wanna get this out there as quick as possible, since this is probably considered a filler chapter. Once again, the main issue is finally addressed next chapter.
Thank you all for your patience; it truly does mean a lot to me.
Hasta la pasta! ~ Iggymonster