The What If Factor
Chapter 12: What If.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: If I said I owned them, I lied.
Author's Note: Sorry for the name mix up last chapter. Ben kinda became Bill twice. But, he's gone now, so it doesn't really matter, does it?
Buffy's POV:
What If.
Have you ever thought about how much you say those words?
What If.
What if I hadn't taken that turn? What If I had studied? What If I had told the truth? What If I had told him how I really felt? What If I hadn't made that decision?
I, too have a list of what If's.
What If I had never let Angel back into my life? What If I had never married him? What If he hadn't died. What If he hadn't come back.
And then there are those that pre-date our marriage.
What If I hadn't killed him? What If he hadn't left after the Assention? What If I remembered him turning human? And then there's the big one: What If I had never met him at all?
But, I know the answers for all of the What If's I've created for my self. I wouldn't have three amazing daughters. I wouldn't have the life I have now. But, on the flip side, I wouldn't have all this drama. I wouldn't feel so conflicted, or hurt, or angry at myself for betraying the man that loved me? I had treated Bill horribly in the last year of our marriage, and he didn't even know it.
I wouldn't have made the decisions I had made. I wouldn't have imposed on Dawn for three years, of abandoned Willow and Xander to run the school.
I kept telling myself that the six years we had been married were so peaceful. No drama. Well, not exactly true. There's always something going on when you have three daughters.
Willow and Xander. I have my own list for What If's with them. I've known them for as long as I've known Angel. I may even know them better then I know him, and myself. But, I had left them with so much to deal with. Willow lived a few houses down from me and Angel, Xander a street or two over. Not only had I asked them to watch the house and make sure all of my bills got to me, but I basically forced them to jump into the school head first. It was just them and Giles. Faith helped out where she could. It wasn't fair to them. I ran out on them like I did before.
Something I told myself and them that I would never do again.
And Giles. Boy, there's a list. He treated me like a daughter, and I just left him in the dust.
But, no matter how much I tried to get away from my "Angel Problems," no matter how many times I run away, they always come back to bite me in the ass. I think it has something to do with that Fight or Flight Response thing. I usually stay. Fight. Stand my ground. But, no. Not with Angel. I flew away from him and his memory every chance I got. He was the source of my pain. And you must have learned by now that I don't like pain. Not emotional pain.
I hadn't talked to Angel for almost a month. Willow and Gunn did most of the running back and forth with the girls. I honestly had no reasoning for not seeing Angel. I convinced my self that it would hurt too much. When, really, Angel had done nothing to hurt me. I was just running away.
Something I apparently did very well...