(Mr. Garrison reenters the room. Dr. Mephisto enters behind him, wheeling in a large cart with a white sheet draped over it.)

Mr. Garrison: (moves to his desk) Okay, children; now we're back on track. Here to enlighten us on the primal side of men and animals is South Park's own Alphonse Mephisto. I have no idea what this will involve, but school policy demands that you learn this crap anyway.

(Butters, Juliana, and Quincy clap. Everyone else is either disinterested or bored.)

Stan (whispering to Kyle): We haven't seen him since the attack of the gingers.

Kyle: Yeah, you're right. I wonder what he's been doing in all that time.

Cartman: Probably been busy working on more of his half-assed experiments.

(Kyle, Kenny, and Stan laugh. Mephisto overhears Cartman's remark.)

Mephisto: My experiments are not half-assed, Mr. Cartman. I can assure you that each and every one of them is multi-assed.

Cartman: I know, "sir." (Mephisto brings his cart to the center of the room, stands to one side of it, and leans against his cane)

Mephisto: Children, before I begin my lecture I would like to ask you; how many of you fully understand the concept of sex? (Kenny raises his hand) Yes, Mr. McCormick?

Kenny (muffled): It's when a man sticks his junk in a woman's clit.

(Awkward pause)

Mephisto (stunned): Yes… that is the fundamental aspect of it all. What else could it involve?

Kenny (muffled): Oh, there's a lot of different ways it can be done. For example, a man takes his junk and… (The rest of Kenny's dialogue is drowned out as he goes on. Many of the girls look disgusted by Kenny's words, but most of the boys seem somewhat interested.)

Mephisto: How do you know all this, Mr. McCormick?

Kenny (muffled): My Dad always leaves his playboys lying around where my brother and I can find them. Plus, there's also my own experience.

Mephisto (looking displeased): That isn't a good sign, my boy.

Cartman: Don't blame him, Dr. Mephisto. Poor people don't have that much to do in their spare time, since fun things cost money nowadays.

Kenny (muffled angrily): Fuck off, Cartman!

Mephisto: Let's get back on track. (He walks behind the cart) Children, millions of years ago, the human race endured a primitive lifestyle. We were residing in caves and feasting off of wildlife to stay alive. However, what is most notable about these individuals is that they had much less control over their sexual urges than we do today.

Cartman (whispering): I guess Kenny's family hasn't caught up with the rest of us. (Stan and Kyle snicker. Kenny just glares angrily)

Mephisto (ignoring Cartman): Over the course of several eons, the human race improved itself. We bettered ourselves physically, mentally, intellectually, and - of course - sexually. However, despite how far the human race has advanced, our original primal nature has always been dormant in our subconscious frame of mind.

Quincy (whispering to Juliana): Finally, somebody who speaks our language.

Juliana (nodding): We should do work with him sometime.

Mephisto: You see, children, no matter how far we advance, our primal side will always be in our subconscious. This goes for all the animals on the planet, as well. All we need to do to observe these primal feelings is to coax them out. (He holds up a transparent plastic case containing four medicine bottles. Each one contains a few hundred pills.) Until now, no one has ever found a clean way to manage that process. It would usually require torture, anguish, and other various forms of pain. However, I have been doing extensive research on the subconscious, and I have found a solution. I call these "Regression Pills."(Several members of the class now seem to be genuinely engrossed in Mephisto's lecture, primarily Quincy and Juliana. Quincy raises his hand) Yes, the young man in the second row?

Quincy: If it is not too much to ask, sir, could you provide us with a demonstration?

Juliana: Yes, we would very much like to see how these pills work.

Mephisto (smirks): That's precisely what this cart is for – my test subjects. (He pulls the sheet off of the cart, revealing four cages. Two are on the bottom part; two are on the upper part. One of the cages on the bottom has a fox in it; the other has a raccoon in it. One of the cages on the top has a rabbit in it; the other has a mouse and a woodpecker in it. To everyone's surprise, all of the test subjects only have one ass apiece.) I shall now demonstrate how each pill works.

Cartman: This is going to kick ass. (The class watches in interest)

(Mephisto leans his cane against the wall and approaches the cart. He takes one of the bottles out of his case, unscrews the cap, and removes a green pill. He puts the case down and faces the class)

Mephisto (holding up the pill): This pill causes physical regression. The rabbit has typically been observed as a docile and harmless creature. However, in the preliminary stages of their life, they were almost as savage as bears. Watch. (He steps over to the cage with the rabbit and drops the green pill through the top grate. The rabbit gazes at the pill in interest for a few moments, and then quickly ingests the pill. About five seconds after eating the pill, the rabbit stands perfectly still. Then, it starts growling, the gentle look in its eyes disappears, and it tries to break out of the cage by ramming its body against the bars.)

Class: Woah! (Butters looks terrified at first)

Cartman: Sweeeeeet. Reminds me a bit about that Tiger Woods game. (The class laughs. Mephisto then takes an orange pill out of his pocket and drops it into the cage. The rabbit immediately lunges down on it and swallows it down. Fifteen seconds later, the rabbit returns to its original calm state.)

Mephisto: The orange pill reverses the effects of the green pill. I just refer to them by their colors because I don't have proper names for them yet. (Next, Mephisto picks up the case, screws the bottle with the green pills up, and takes out another bottle. He unscrews this bottle and removes a yellow pill this time. He places the case down and faces the class again.) This pill causes mental regression. Raccoons are known to be very bright creatures. But they started their existence as a bunch of simple-minded plebeians.

Cartman: You mean like the cast of Twilight?

(The class bursts into laughter)

Mephisto: No, Mr. Cartman, they weren't that simple-minded. More like the cast of Glee. (Mephisto kneels down and drops the yellow pill into the raccoon's cage. The raccoon eyes the pill curiously and then eats it. About twenty seconds later, the raccoon drops to its stomach and gazes back at the students as if nothing is there)

Kyle: I haven't seen someone look that confused since Al Pacino in his last movie.

(The class laughs again, only harder this time. Except for Cartman)

Cartman: Ey! That was MY line!

Kyle (drily): Other people can tell jokes, too, fat-ass.

(Mephisto takes a purple pill out of his pocket and drops it into the raccoon's cage. The raccoon sniffs it and then gobbles it up. Soon, it's back on its feet, looking as if nothing has happened.)

Mephisto: The purple pill reverses the effects of the yellow pill. (Mephisto picks up his case, screws the bottle with the yellow pills up, and takes out a third bottle. He unscrews the cap and removes a blue pill. After setting the case back down, he turns back to the class.) This pill causes intellectual regression. The term "Sly as a fox" is indeed a valid statement, but "sly as a primeval fox" would be erroneous. (He drops the blue pill into the fox's cage. The fox gazes at the pill suspiciously, and then consumes it. Within ten seconds, a blank look appears in its eyes. It walks to the side of the cage and bangs its head repeatedly against the bars.)

Stan: I think it's trying to impersonate Pauly Shore looking back on his career.

(The class laughs even harder than before. Only Cartman does not laugh)

Cartman: Goddammit, stop stealing my lines, line robber!

Stan (drolly): You really need to calm down, fatso.

(Mephisto removes a brown pill from his pocket and drops it into the fox's cage. The fox gazes at the pill with a look of stupidity and then eats it up. Before long, it stops banging its head against the cage and returns to its original stance.)

Mephisto: The brown pill reverses the effects of the blue pill. (Mephisto picks the case up, screws the lid back on the bottle with the blue pills, and removes the final bottle. He unscrews the cap and takes out two red pills this time. He sets down the case and turns to the class.) The red pill causes sexual regression. Mice and woodpeckers produce generally large litters. In their primal state, they were virtually uncontrollable when they experienced lust. You would never expect to see them cross-breeding. But take a look at this. (He drops both of the red pills into the cage with the mouse and the woodpecker. Both animals move to one of the pills and ingest them. This time, the class leans in a bit closer to observe the reactions of the animals. Before long, the woodpecker and the mouse gaze at each other in a rather licentious manner. Then they lunge at each other and begin a very unorthodox mating ritual.)

Kenny (muffled): Wow, they fuck like Jersey people!

(This time, everyone laughs hysterically, except for Cartman, who looks furious)

Cartman: Screw you guys, I'm going home! (He makes no move to get up)

Quincy: What's the matter? Are you stuck in your desk? (The rest of class laughs again. Cartman just flashes Quincy a hostile glare. Soon, everyone calms down and watches the animals in the cage.)

Juliana: Dr. Mephisto, when will you administer the antidote?

Mephisto: I'm afraid that I have no antidote for the red pill yet, my dear. The red pill is by far the most complex of the lot. (He leans closer to the cage and gazes in on the two mating animals) Until I've found one, they'll be stuck like this. (Suddenly, the mouse slams the woodpecker against one of the sides of the cage, startling Mephisto. He jolts back and accidentally drops the bottle. It hits the ground and almost all of the red pills spill out, scattering across the floor.) Dammit! Just fantastic! (He kneels down to pick them up. Wendy, Kenny, Nichole, Millie, Clyde, Bebe, Quincy, Juliana, Token, Esther, Kevin, Annie, and Bradley all get up to help Mephisto gather the pills up. Once they are all rounded up, Mephisto quickly counts the pills to make certain that they are all accounted for. After confirming that they are all there, he screws the lid back on the bottle and puts it into the case) So, there you have it, class. The primal side of animals can be drawn out with the simple usage of pills.

Juliana (raising her hand): What about humans? Could these pills cause the same outcome in us?

Mephisto: I'm not certain; I don't have any human test subjects. My studies seem to suggest that the pills would work, but they may not be as strong or as quick as they are in animals.

Quincy: What exactly would these pills be useful for?

(Pause)

Mephisto: That is an excellent question. I suppose the green pill could be used to buff up athletes who don't respond well to steroids. The yellow pill could be used to study the behavior and attitudes of earlier people. The blue pill could be used to challenge people's intellect. As for the red pill… once it's perfected, the word "aphrodisiac" comes to mind.

Butters: What's an "after-daisy-hack?"

Kenny (muffled): It's something that can be used to strengthen one's hormones.

Mephisto: Right. Now, on with the lecture… (At this point, the students gradually start to lose interest in Mephisto's monologue)

(Cut to: the hallway outside the fourth-grade hall. It is later, after the end of class. Most of the students are at their lockers. Stan is placing his science book inside of his own locker and then he closes it up. He turns around and sees Wendy standing behind him. She has a somewhat serious yet genial expression on her face.)

Wendy: Stan, we need to talk.

Stan: Alright. About what?

Wendy: Well… (she seems a little uncertain about how to proceed) when was the last time you and I went anywhere together?

Stan: Wendy, we go to places together all the time! Like to school, the classrooms, the cafeteria … (he quickly stops when he sees the un-amused expression on Wendy's face)

Wendy: Let me rephrase that: when was the last time you and I did anything alone?

Stan: The other week, I guess, when we stopped by that recycling center to drop off some empty water bottles and such. (There is a long pause)

Wendy: Stan, I don't mind if you like spending most of your time with your friends. But just once, could you and I do something together after school today?

Stan: Like what? I'm open to suggestions.

Wendy (thinks for a moment): I'm having a little trouble with that history report. Maybe you're having better luck on it than me.

Stan: Yeah, I already finished mine. But I don't know about today after school.

Wendy (sternly): Why not?

Stan: 'Cause, I'm visiting my grandpa today. I always visit him after school on Wednesdays.

Wendy (rolls her eyes): Of course, you do. (She storms off towards the lunch room.)

Stan (starts to go after her): Wendy! Wendy, wait! (He stops and watches her walk off) Shit.

(Cartman has been listening in on their conversation. He walks over to Stan.)

Cartman: You are such a goddamn liar.

Stan (frustrated): What do you mean?

Cartman: You know full well that you visit your grandpa after school on Thursdays, not Wednesdays. Besides, you just wanted to get out of that so you could go Faith Hilling with us at the café.

Stan: Well, was I supposed to tell her that instead? What kind of lame-ass excuse would that look like?

(Kyle and Kenny enter from the right)

Kyle: Stan, just relax. You can work something out with Wendy later. Come on, let's go eat lunch (the four of them head off to the cafeteria)

(Cut to: the cafeteria. Most of the tables are only half-full. However, the fourth-grade boys' table and the fourth-grade girls' table are both full. There is a table between these two tables; the only students sitting there are Quincy and Juliana. At the boys' table, Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Jimmy, Timmy, Clyde, Craig, Kevin, Token, Butters, and Tweek are all seated. At the girls' table, Wendy, Bebe, Lola, Nichole, Red, Millie, Heidi, Annie, Esther, and Jenny are all seated.)

(Quincy and Juliana both have trays from the lunch line. They carefully examine the school's food before they eat it)

Quincy: The chicken seems to be grilled nicely; the crust on the surface suggests split-second precision in its cooking time.

Juliana: The mashed potatoes are free of lumps; this indicates both efficiency and attention to detail.

(The two of them begin to eat. A minute later, a group of the sixth-graders walks over to the table.)

Sixth-grade Leader: Hey, you're in our spot! (Quincy and Juliana just slowly turn to them without any change in their facial expressions)

Quincy: Is there a problem here?

Sixth-grade Leader: Yes there is, you snot-nosed little fourth-graders. You're sitting at our table! (Quincy and Juliana mockingly look around)

Juliana: I don't see a name written anywhere, so you must be mistaken. This is everyone's table.

(Everybody at the fourth-grade tables turns to look at the Morales twins and the sixth-graders.)

Cartman (slyly): Uh-oh. The new kids are about to get a proper introduction from the sixth-graders.

Tweek (twitching): Ah! Shouldn't we warn them?

Clyde: Nah, let's just watch.

Craig: Yeah, it's more fun this way.

Sixth-grade Leader (talking to the Morales twins): If you leave now, you can go ahead and enjoy your lunch somewhere else. But if you don't leave now, it'll be hard for you to eat anything! (Quincy and Juliana just look at each other and scoff) What's so funny?

Juliana (turns to the Sixth-grade Leader): We are very familiar with your type. You're the kind of person that surrounds himself with his friends and insinuates himself as the group leader because he's afraid of entering a confrontation on his own.

Quincy: The cowardly type.

(More people in the cafeteria turn towards the table. The fourth-graders seem especially interested in what's going on.)

Sixth-grade Leader: You think I'm a coward? You are wrong, you stupid little ballsuckers!

(Quincy and Juliana scoff again)

Quincy: It would seem that you're also the type that has to resort to insults and jeers in order to voice your opinion. And for your information, my sister and I have a combined IQ of 370. It would be foolish to call us "stupid," you imbecile.

Juliana: I'd suggest you just go and find another table to sit at before you publically embarrass yourself like the bunch of pathetic, pretentious, cowardly jackasses you are.

(By this point, everyone in the cafeteria has their attention focused on the confrontation.)

Sixth-grade Leader (to his friends): Guys, stand back. I'll handle this (The other sixth-graders take a few steps back to give their leader some room. He then steps forward and leans on the table. He gazes at Juliana.) If you honestly think I am going to take that crap from a slutty, smart-mouthed little bitch, you are sorely mistaken.

(Juliana remains unfazed, but Quincy angrily looks up at the Sixth-grade Leader)

Quincy: What did you just call my sister?

Sixth-grade Leader: A bitch. I called your little whore-sister a bitch. (Quincy jumps to his feet, but remains standing on the table's sitting-bench)

Quincy (through gritted teeth): Don't you dare say those things about her.

Sixth-grade Leader (smirks; he has found a way to set Quincy off): I'll call her whatever I want. She's a bitch, a slut, a… (as he continues with a string of insults directed at Juliana, Quincy calmly takes off his white coat and sets it on the table. Juliana looks a little concerned.)

Juliana (whispering): Quincy, it's alright! I can take a few insults.

Quincy (whispering): Sorry, Juliana; this guy needs to be put in his place (After neatly laying out his white coat, Quincy turns to face the Sixth-grade leader. He slowly approaches him, then grabs him by the throat and slams him against the table. The next three lines he says in a manner similar to Robin Williams in "Good Will Hunting"). You disrespect my sister like that again, and I will end you! Do you understand me, asshole? I will fuckin' end you! (The Sixth-grade Leader slowly nods his head. Quincy lets him go and pushes him away) Now buzz off. All of you. (The Sixth-graders quickly move to another table. Quincy picks up his white coat and puts it back on. Then he and Juliana continue eating lunch as if nothing has happened.)

(The fourth-grade boys and girls are stunned. No one has ever stood up the sixth-graders like that.)

Cartman: Hmmm… (He looks over his shoulder at the Morales twins.) I must say, those new kids are interesting characters.

Kyle: No kidding; they're real brainiacs, yet they're still somewhat stylish and witty.

Jimmy: I don't know 'bout you, f-f-fellas, but I l-l-like them.

Timmy (agreeing): Timmah!

Butters: How about we invite them over? (The others look at him strangely) What? What'd I say?

Cartman: Butters, this is the fourth-grade boys table.

Butters: Okay, then let's just invite Quincy.

Cartman: Better idea. That dude can kick sixth-grade ass.

Stan: I'll go speak to him (he gets up and walks over to the table with the Morales twins).

(At that same time, the fourth-grade girls are discussing the same idea)

Millie: I like that girl; she's really cunning.

Heidi: She definitely isn't as much a nerd as I thought.

Annie: And her brother isn't too bad-lookin' either.

Esther: No denying that.

Bebe: I think we should invite the girl over.

Wendy: Good idea. I'll go speak to her (she gets up and walks over to the table with the Morales twins).

(Stan and Wendy get up at the same time, approach the table at the same pace, and reach it at the same moment. They tap Quincy and Juliana on the shoulder respectively and the two Morales twins turn around simultaneously. They also say their next lines at the same time)

Stan: Quincy, would you care to come sit with us?

Wendy: Juliana, would you like to join us?

(Quincy and Juliana think for a moment, and then both nod their heads, smiling friendly. They pick up their trays and walk over to the boys' table and the girls' table respectively. Before walking back, Stan and Wendy notice each other's immediate presence)

Stan: Hi, Wendy. How are you doing?

Wendy: I'm alright. But I would still like your thoughts on the history paper.

Stan: Let's just wait until recess to talk about that. I'd like to eat my lunch while I still have my appetite.

Wendy (turning around: Fine, whatever.

Stan: By the way, say "hi" to that new girl for me.

Wendy (abruptly stops in her tracks and slowly gazes over her shoulders): What's that supposed to mean?

Stan (alarmed by her reaction): It just means that I want her and her brother to feel welcome.

Wendy (angrily): I hope that's all you're implying, Stanley Marsh. (She turns back to the girls' table. Stan just sighs and walks back to his spot at the boys' table)

Stan (rubbing his temple): This is fuckin' ridiculous.

Quincy (now sitting next to him): What's wrong?

Stan: I haven't been spending a lot of time with my girlfriend. She's getting kinda bitter because of that. It also doesn't help that she gets jealous really easily.

Cartman (sitting on the other side of Stan): Just relax and eat, Stan. You shouldn't stress out too much.

Stan: Right. (He picks up his thermos and pours some tomato soup into a bowl. He picks up his spoon and begins slurping it down. However, one of the tomato bits is a little firmer and more neatly-shaped than the other bits. Stan just finishes his soup and moves on to his sandwich)

(At the girls' table, Wendy sits back down. Bebe is on her left and Juliana is on her right. Wendy leans against her arm and sighs deeply)

Juliana: Everything alright?

Wendy: I guess so… I just really want to do something with my boyfriend, but it seems like he's always busy.

Bebe (patting her best friend on the back): Don't worry about it, Wendy. I'm certain that he really cares for you.

Wendy: I know he does, Bebe. I just don't know what to do… (Wendy decides to continue with her lunch. She turns her attention to her bowl of red beans and rice. She uses her fork to eat up the Creole dish. However, she doesn't notice that one of the red beans is shaped more like a tiny cylinder and strangely plastic-looking. Before long, she's eaten the entire bowl.)

(Cut to: the playground. Wendy is playing four square with Juliana, Bebe, and Red when Stan comes up behind her and taps her on the shoulder. She turns around and – when she sees who it is – brightens up a little. But she still seems to be a little frustrated.)

Wendy: Hi, Stan. What's up?

Stan: Wendy, can I talk to you behind the tree for a moment?

Wendy: Sure. (She tosses the ball to Red and goes with Stan to the tree) Why did you want to talk here? I mean, there's nothing wrong with- (She's quickly cut off. Stan seizes her by her coat and locks his lips against hers. Wendy is caught almost completely off guard, appearing very startled at first. But she quickly finds herself enjoying the moment. She closes her eyes and kisses Stan back. After about fifteen seconds, they come apart).

Stan (deviously): Because I didn't want to make a show in front of the others. I just wanted to tell you… I'd be happy to meet up with you after school. In fact, how about we walk home together?

Wendy (happily): That sounds wonderful. History is the only subject I really am not too certain about.

Stan: I'm happy to help. Although, of course, it doesn't have to strictly be a business meeting. (He kisses her again with a little less vigor, but just as much passion)

Wendy: Now you're talkin'. My parents won't be home until dinner; we'll have the whole afternoon to ourselves.

Stan: Great. I'll see you after school. (He walks away to meet up with his friends, looking as if he is walking on air.)

Review, please. I'd like to know how you like the story so far. The reason it's in script format is because I'm trying as much as possible to make this seem like an actual episode of South Park. The next chapter should be up soon!