Arguing with Sally was pointless, and all of the pilots knew it. That didn't prevent them from trying it until she all but ordered them to go back to the hotel they had checked in and get some rest.
"You won't be of any use to Quatre if you are exhausted, and we will need you at one hundred percent. If he wakes up too disoriented and we need to stop him, who do you think is gonna do it? So now you go and do your best to have some sleep. Getting the actual transfer authorization will take most of the day, and then our shuttle must be refueled and prepared for our new passengers. And I don't even want to think about who's going to fly that thing if none of you have had rest! Now shoo!"
"I'll join you there as soon as I'm finished here," Iria had said, going back to Dr Hewley's office to discuss Quatre's training and make arrangement for a meeting about her program at a later date, when Quatre would be better.
So the four pilots and Dorothy had dragged back to the hotel, none of them saying a thing, too busy thinking to start a conversation. What was really awkward was that had any of them been in this situation, Quatre would have known what to do. But since he was the one hurt here, they found themselves powerless, unable to find the right way to react.
Dorothy went to report to Relena on a secure line as soon as they arrived. Trowa went straight to his room without a look back, the only visible sign that he was on the verge of nervous collapse being how hard he slammed his door shut behind himself. Wufei shot a look at said door, then at Duo, who just shook his head. Heero was completely silent, his jaw set, and to be honest, it was him Duo was most concerned about for the moment. Trowa would never do something stupid, even if he was beating himself with guilt. But Heero… Heero was more than a little unpredictable, and right now, he was dealing with a lot of anger and pain. Probably nothing compared to what Trowa felt, but this was all so new for Heero, the way he felt about his teammates… Duo knew with absolute certainty that leaving him alone for the next few hours would be a very bad idea.
He looked uneasily at Trowa's closed door and gave a start when Wufei put a hand on his shoulder.
"It's okay," the Chinese said, "let's just leave him alone for a while. Once he's done accusing himself of everything that went wrong, I'll go see him. You… take care of that one," he added in a lower voice.
"What about Dorothy?"
"She can take care of herself, and if she wants to cry on someone's shoulder she'll have to try someone else's," Wufei said dryly. "Just… make sure he doesn't…"
Wufei didn't finish, but Duo understood.
"He's gonna crack up soon," he whispered to the Wufei, "and it's really not gonna be pretty this time. I'll do my best to calm him down, then just see if you can bring Tro around to our room. I think we'll all sleep better if we're together."
"I think so too. Half an hour?"
"Okay. Don't knock."
Wufei nodded, and departed to his own room. He really needed to meditate and clear his head before he would feel the need to take his sword and run it through innocent bystanders because he couldn't find the real culprit.
The slam of the door resounded loudly in the empty room. Trowa just stood in the middle of it for a moment, unsure of what to do. He certainly couldn't sleep, even if his body was telling him he needed it. Every time he closed his eyes, the only thing he could see was that awfully empty look in Quatre's eyes, the fear, the determination, the pain Quatre had felt just upon seeing them all again.
He slowly strode to the window, watching outside at first, then staring in the void until the only thing he could see was his own reflection in the bulletproof glass, green eyes staring back at him in a face that he was not sure he recognized.
"What have I done?" he whispered to himself. "Why did I have to leave?"
The conversation with Wufei had brought everything to a new level. Yes, he had been scared, and he had not understood what Quatre saw in him. He hadn't been able to understand that this wonderful young man who had almost everything the other pilots had been deprived of didn't feel any less lonely or ill-adapted to the new era. That Quatre, for all the self-assurance he could show in a boardroom or in front of cameras, needed someone to hold onto just as much, if not more, than any of them. And yes, maybe he had half-hoped that Quatre would get angry at his leaving, that he would protest, that he would give him a clue that what they had was not right… but he had not. He had been immensely sad, but he had let Trowa go. Because he knew that he could not hold him captive against his will, and that if he really loved Trowa, he had to accept to see him go away.
The moment he had told Quatre he had to leave, Trowa had known that he would be back. Because such pain and loneliness in those eyes was simply inconceivable, and being the cause of such a pain was unbearable for him. But he knew also that had he not tried to get away, he would have lived in fear that Quatre might leave him one day. He had needed answers to his insecurities, and thought this solution was the best.
'And I did not even think about your own insecurities, Cat. I did not think about what it would look like, from your point of view, that I would prefer to live somewhere else and not be by your side all of the time. How badly did I hurt you that day? But you didn't say a thing! I'm not like you, Cat, I can't look into people's hearts and know how they feel. And I was just too much of a coward to try and ask you, and all that time you were there for me and loving me.'
And that hurt, so much. Trowa had the feeling his heart had been ripped out of his chest and that he'd been the one to do it.
'This is all my fault. Cat, I wish I could go back in time and never leave. I wish I had believed you when you said nothing mattered to you as long as I was by your side. I wish I had listened to you more carefully and heard what you tried to tell me, with or without words. I wish I could take all the hurt away. But I can't. I can't and this is all my fault you had to go through this. And you went willingly, even if it was killing you inside, because you loved me too much to cage me. I didn't know how to react, Cat. No one ever loved me like that before, so unconditionally, without asking for anything in return, without any kind of catch somewhere. But you did, and it scared me, it didn't seem possible. So I ran. Away from it, away from you, but it was too late. It was here in my heart, and every minute without you was torture, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't sleep, but I was too scared to come back. Every little moment I spent with you became paradise, even more so because I was so sure it would stop.'
Trowa began to shake, repressed sobs wracking through his slender frame.
"I'm so sorry, Cat," he whispered to no one, hands clenching and unclenching as he did his best not to cry. "I promised I would be there for you, and I wasn't. The only thing you asked of me, I couldn't even do. I'm sorry, Cat, I'm sorry…"
The young man pressed his forehead on the cool glass, squeezing his eyes tightly shut, but it was too late. The first tear escaped and rolled down his cheek, surprisingly warm against his skin. A second followed, and very soon, Trowa was crying, really crying, for the first time in his life, over his mistakes and the things he couldn't undo.
Once in the room, Heero headed straight for the bathroom. Duo followed without a word. Words were not what Heero needed right now.
Heero and Quatre had always had a special relationship. It was no secret to any of the other pilots that they had slept together, once, during the trip that had led them to Sank after the Zero disaster. Both Heero and Quatre had known that it was a one-night stand and that it wouldn't go further than that, Quatre eating himself with the guilt of having 'killed Trowa', and Heero trying to sort out what to do now that he was basically left in charge of his emotional comrade. Duo knew that the time spent with Quatre on Earth had a great deal to do with the changes he had seen in Heero once they had all ended up on Peacemillion. At the time, both pilots had needed the comfort of feeling someone's skin, of forgetting the war and the sorrow if just for a minute. The fledging friendship that had been in such a danger to be destroyed when Quatre had shot Trowa had been cautiously rebuilt on new bases as both Heero and Quatre realized the other was not all they believed him to be.
Duo considered Quatre his best friend, the person he could easily talk to and come to when he had a problem. Heero had adopted Quatre as a kind of little brother, watching in the distance as the blond took command of their group, but forcing him to make the decisions that had to be made when he had installed the Zero system in Sandrock. There was tremendous respect between the two pilots, tinted with a lot of tenderness from both parts. Heero had comforted Quatre at the time he needed it the most, forbidding him to give up hope before he would find Trowa and being harsh when needed. Quatre had helped Heero open up, admitting that what he felt could be a strength and not a weakness. Duo certainly knew who he had to thank for not being killed or maimed when he had finally confessed his feelings to Heero. But that also meant that anyone trying to harm Quatre would end up with a very pissed-off Heero on their heels. But not before Heero would beat himself for not having been able to protect Quatre.
'In that aspect, he's very much like Tro, or Wufei, or even Cat himself. Always blaming himself for things he couldn't have prevented,' Duo thought.
Right now, they were all blaming themselves for not realizing sooner that something had happened, even Duo. He knew it was pointless, but he simply couldn't help it. If he had called, if he had worried… Duo was tired of what-ifs. His rational mind was telling him there was nothing he could have done, but his heart kept telling him that had he been a better friend and checked on Quatre more often, maybe this wouldn't have happened. The fact that he knew Trowa, Wufei and Heero were thinking exactly the same didn't help one bit, but at least, Duo knew he wouldn't take it out on anyone or anything. His self-reproach would be silent, maybe all the more bitter because of that. But it would go away with time. Heero could not do that. Failure to protect a member of his 'family' was very hard for him, the feeling of guilt and helplessness almost too much to bear for a too sensitive young man who was just starting to discover how deep his feelings for his teammates ran.
Heero splashed cold water on his face while Duo watched him from the bathroom's door. Then he braced himself on the sink. Duo could see the slight tremor in his shoulders, the way his knuckles whitened so hard was his grip on the white porcelain, but he didn't get closer. Heero had to get things out of his system one way or the other, and Duo knew better than trying to get too close before that would be done. But he didn't leave either, because one thing was almost certain too. Heero needed to hurt someone when he felt like that, and right now the only person he had to hurt was himself, because he would die before he laid a hand on Duo. Duo had been trying to help him out of this kind of self-destructive behavior, and usually could stop it before it went too far.
Heero looked slowly up, lost eyes staring at their reflection in the mirror. He looked at himself for a moment, not really seeing, and then, before Duo could even make a move, he punched the mirror so hard that it exploded in hundreds of sharp shards that flew everywhere around him.
"Heero!"
Duo jumped into the bathroom and caught Heero as he suddenly slumped on the floor, body shaken by sobs. Carefully sitting on the glass-littered floor, he gathered Heero in his arms, relieved when Heero reacted and clung to him like a lifeline, hands fisting in the black T-shirt. Duo caressed the brown hair softly, arms encircling Heero and talking soothingly in a whisper, as Heero began to cry against his chest.
"Shh, it's okay, it's gonna be alright. It's all gonna go away, you'll see, just calm down…"
"Why?" Heero asked between sobs, voice broken by tears. "Why him?"
"I don't know, Heero, I really don't know," Duo answered as his own tears finally broke through his defenses.
He just let them slide on his cheeks, holding Heero closer as the young man poured all of his hurt and his guilt out. They snuggled closer to each other, the only sound in the room being that of quiet sobs and sniffing, and muttered reassurances that didn't mean a thing.
When they finally both calmed down, Duo took Heero's bloodied hand in his.
"We have to put something on those cuts, Heero. Come on, let's get up."
They did, the awkward sound of crunching glass seemingly bringing Heero back to reality.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I made a mess."
He looked down, embarrassed, but Duo would not let that slide. He gently touched Heero's cheek and forced him to look up.
"Heero, it's okay, it's me. I know what it's like too, and believe me, if I had the one who did this right now, I would dismember him and feed him his own limbs until he would beg for death."
"But…"
"No buts. We all have different ways to deal, and I know this… is very hard for you."
"It's hard for you too," Heero protested, wiping drying tears off his cheeks, "but you don't…"
"Heero!" Duo interrupted exasperatedly, before pulling his lover into his arms. "I know right now you want to hurt someone bad, and you don't really know what to do with yourself. It's normal. It's human to want to break something because you feel badly hurt. But now that you had a good fight with the mirror and you won, just let me put something on your cuts, then Wu will bring Tro here and we'll try to get some sleep, okay? Sally is right, we won't be able to help if we're walking around like zombies."
Heero relaxed, just a tiny little bit, but that was enough for Duo to understand at least part of his little speech had sunk in. Heero didn't resist when Duo made him sit on the bed, and bandaged his hand before applying some disinfectant on the cuts in his cheek and forehead. He just stared in the void, looking so much like the completely lost teenager that he was that it broke Duo's heart to see him like this.
'People don't realize,' he thought bitterly. 'They look up to him like he's some kind of super-soldier, but he's just a kid, like the rest of us! Why can't people just leave us alone, we've been screwed enough for five lifetimes already!'
Once Heero's wounds were all tended to, Duo put the med kit he had retrieved from the bathroom away on the night stand and sat on the bed next to him, once again taking him into his arms. He kissed Heero's forehead gently, and smiled weakly as Heero's arms closed around his waist.
"Let's get some rest, now," he whispered. "Tro will need us too."
Heero snuggled closer to him and closed his eyes, letting out an exhausted sigh. Duo just sat there, holding him, cheek absently rubbing against Heero's hair, and thinking that whoever had messed with them would be very, very sorry indeed, once they would catch up with them. And they would. Duo would make sure of that if that was the last thing he did.
'No one touches my family and gets away with it,' he thought fiercely.
Wufei opened weary eyes. He felt calmer, even if his anger had not gone away, and would not for a long time. But this time he would not let this anger control him, because Quatre needed him, and the others did too. He sighed as he got up. He had been angry for so long, during the war. With Meiran for getting herself killed, with Treize for beating him, with himself for being beaten, with his master when he had blown up the colony, with a lot of people that had absolutely no idea why he was angry with them. He had been driven by that anger, that fire that had consumed him, and he had made a lot of mistakes because of it.
'I have always been rash,' he thought sadly. 'I could have avoided so many blunders if I had just paused to think of the consequences of my actions. But I couldn't do it at the time. I was a foolish child who was sure he was doing the right thing. But what happens when what feels right takes you away from the only friends you have? The only people you love?'
Wufei now often wondered why he had chosen to side with Mariemeia when the young girl and her grandfather had sought him out. After he had killed Treize, he had pretty much wandered away, unable to find out what he could do with himself. He had not gone to his friends, his fellow pilots, because it was something he needed to do by himself.
'That was probably the dumbest thing I ever did,' he thought with a sad little smile. 'I remember you and your doubts, Quatre, while you were fighting. Your regrets. Your sorrow at having to be the one here, and your determination to have no one do the job in your stead. For a long time I thought you were ill-suited to be a soldier, but I was wrong. The only good soldiers in wars are those who don't want to kill, because they will preserve life at all cost. Noin was right about the way she trained her soldiers, to stay alive. But I guess this was too hard for me, staying alive but without a purpose, without a place to come back to. Can you only start to imagine what you did for me, Quatre? How you gave me confidence again when I thought I had destroyed our friendship with my rash actions? How overwhelmingly good it felt for you to accept me back with open arms? And I didn't even get to thank you for it. Well, I'll make it up to you now. And I'll make sure you and Trowa get together again and talk things out.'
Wufei ignored the little sting in his heart that told him that he didn't belong in that picture. That once it would be over he would be on his own again. Somewhere deep inside, he had always known that whatever was between Trowa and Quatre was too strong for him to compete. He had admired them both so much for having the strength to get into a relationship even if they knew one of them could get killed at any time. Chang Wufei would never admit that aloud to anyone, because it felt ridiculous to him just to think it, but Quatre had always fascinated him to such a point that he thought he had a crush on the other pilot. He had not really known what to do with the feeling at the time, and then it was obvious that Quatre was more than happy with Trowa, and Wufei could not conceive getting between them.
So he had just hidden from everyone, including himself, drowning the alien feelings away in work. And at the beginning of the year, he had been too busy beating himself for ending up on the wrong side fighting the only people who had ever cared about him to do anything about it. And now that Quatre was hurt, Trowa needed his support and friendship more than ever, and Wufei would cut his wrists before he would do something as vile as take advantage of the situation to let his feelings out. It was still too confusing for him. It was safer just to know that all he wanted was for Quatre to get better and talk things out with Trowa.
Wufei sighed explosively and rubbed the bridge of his nose. Too much of that kind of thinking always gave him a headache, which was why he usually didn't think about it. Checking his watch, he saw that thirty-five minutes had passed since he had come to his room, and he went to look for Trowa.
He knocked, but didn't wait for an answer before he got into Trowa's room. Trowa was standing near the window, looking outside, shoulders too tense, hands pressed against the thick glass.
"Trowa?"
Trowa turned around, not caring in the least that Wufei could see he had cried. Quatre always used to say that sometimes, crying made him feel better, and a twisted thought came into Trowa's mind that somehow, Quatre always looked good when he was crying. Well, one thing was sure, Trowa knew he didn't look good now: his eyes were red and swollen, he was sniffing, and he had a headache and certainly didn't feel any better, just… empty. Hollow. Like something vital had been taken from him.
Wufei didn't make any comment on the situation, just smiled and held out his hand to Trowa.
"Duo is waiting for us," he simply said.
Trowa nodded, and took the offered hand without really knowing why. It relieved him to feel the warmth of Wufei's hand in his, and in the same time it ashamed him to get so much comfort from it. But then he could almost hear Quatre's voice in his head chastising him for being so stubborn, like he had done such a long time ago.
"That's what friends are for Trowa, to help you go through difficult times as well as sharing the good times!" he had said a bit exasperatedly. "You must let them in, or they can't help you. But even if you don't want them to help, Trowa, real friends will always help you, even against your will if they feel it's what is right for you. And even if you get mad at them for it sometimes, in the end you always feel happy that they were here."
Trowa had not argued, it was not like he had a lot of experience to answer to that, and Quatre had dropped the subject.
'Wufei is my friend,' Trowa thought. 'And… he just wants to help me and Quatre. But what if it could…'
He stopped that train of thought rapidly. Wufei didn't know, and he certainly didn't intend to tell anything without Quatre by his side. They had wanted to get to terms with their own problems and insecurities before confronting Wufei, and they were a long way from having done that. First, Trowa had serious apologies to make to Quatre, and owed him an extensive explanation of his behavior, this in the case everything would go alright and Quatre would recover fully. So Trowa didn't say anything and just followed Wufei.
Duo opened the door before they knocked. Heero was bundled up on the bed, eyes closed, but not sleeping, anyone akin to the way Heero moved could see that his chest was rising and falling far too rapidly for him to be asleep. Duo did not say a thing, he just pulled Trowa in his arms and hugged him, and Trowa returned the hug shamelessly this time, so grateful for Duo's friendship and warmth.
Duo held on for some time, at some point yanking Wufei, who had been standing behind Trowa with a hand on his shoulder, into a group hug. There was only a soft curse before Wufei gave in and hugged Trowa from behind. Then, Duo led them to the bed, and Heero opened his arms to Trowa. The young ex-mercenary slid beneath the covers and buried his face in the crook of Heero's neck, while the Japanese closed his arms around him, soothingly caressing his back in small circles. Duo went to lie down, spooned against Heero's back, and after a quick hesitation, Wufei did the same behind Trowa.
They were all asleep within five minutes.
~ AC 197, March 6th, L4 – B289, Fatimah Psychiatric Clinic, isolation suite # 07, 6:02pm~
"Done already?" Sally asked as Iria came into the suite's bedroom.
"Yes", Iria said tiredly. "Dr Hewley is a fascinating person and a very good doctor. I am really glad the he ended up here of all places. And that other young doctor…"
"Carter," Sally smiled. "Yeah, good element, that one. I reviewed part of his notes while I was checking on Quatre. He was pretty confused with the situation, but I must admit he's got guts, and he made the right decisions. For someone who wasn't acquainted with Quatre's… particularity, he did exceedingly well."
"Dr Hewley just asked if he could report Quatre's progress to her. I agreed. It's the least I can do. And I really hope Quatre will look more into her program once he is better. I knew about it and had planned to tell him as soon as I was out of hospital…"
Her voice trailed away, and she ran a hand through Quatre's light blond bangs as she took a seat beside the bed. He was sleeping peacefully for now, but his face was still constricted into a little frown.
"It's good," Sally said. "I know he'll want to help, especially if it concerns other New Types."
"Yes, he will want to help", Iria said absentmindedly. "Sally, I…"
"He's going to be okay and you know it," Sally interrupted.
"I hope so."
"His training is not broken, Iria. If it was truly broken, he would not have reacted to the safe word."
"I know. It's just… I really wonder what is going to happen if this gets out in the open."
Sally frowned.
"What do you mean?"
Iria sighed.
"My little brother disappears for three weeks and is found half delirious in a psychiatric clinic that is funded by our family. It is almost sure that whatever was done to him was a criminal intentional act. And who gets the most out of this, Sally?"
Sally shook her head.
"No. You can't seriously think that people will…"
"Let's look at it this way, Sally. If we stick to the facts, I am the one who gained the most out of what happened. I am now officially the head of WEI, which makes me one of the richest people in the world, if not the richest. Do you really think that reporters and people would lose an occasion to gossip about how convenient it is?"
"But you didn't know about that arrangement he made! No one knew apart from his lawyers and himself!"
Iria sighed again.
"I am afraid it will not matter to anyone whether I knew or not, I still look like the bad one here. We must keep this under control until Quatre is better and able to prove that he did intend to give his shares away the way it happened. And…"
Iria stopped talking and glanced at her sleeping brother, fear alive in her eyes.
"What?" Sally asked. "What is it, Iria? Please tell me."
"I fear the boys were right, Sally. I am afraid that one of my sisters did this."
"How?"
"There was a clause in my father's will. Should Quatre be declared irresponsible or be killed, his share would be divided between the rest of us in equal shares, and we would elect another CEO."
"I don't understand."
"I think someone, someone that knew about that clause, tried to ensure that Quatre would be 'declared irresponsible' to trigger the redistribution and take WEI out of his hands."
"But that's stupid!" Sally protested. "He intended to give it away anyway!"
"But he didn't tell anyone. And… We are a large family, we don't know each other that well. I keep in touch with some of my sisters, but not all of them. And this is a lot of money. I can conceive that one could get greedy and jealous that it is all controlled by a seventeen-year-old boy whose only right to it is to have a Y chromosome."
"It doesn't excuse anything. Normal people talk things out, they do not try to make their relatives insane!" Sally huffed.
"I know. That's what I am afraid of. Someone in my family was ready to go as far as this… ready to harm their own flesh and blood for money or power. I don't care about the money, Sally, I just want my brother back safe and sound. I'd give it all away if it could make him get better right now."
"I know," the Chinese doctor answered sadly.
She checked Quatre's vitals once again and noted something on a chart.
"I'll keep him sedated for the transport, until we reach your house. His room is isolated, right?"
"Yes, I had it made especially for him, so he should be alright in there. I…"
Iria was interrupted by a big yawn.
"Sorry," she said sheepishly.
"Nothing to be sorry of," Sally said with a kind smile. "You're tired, and this has been a long day. Just go back to the hotel, check on the boys, have Dorothy make sure that the shuttle is ready to leave when we are, and try to catch an hour of sleep. I'll finalize the medical details with Carter and Shannon, and once everything is ready, I'll ring you up and you guys can pick us up from here. If all goes well, we'll be back tomorrow by mid-morning."
"I'll do that," Iria said.
She got up and deposited a very light kiss on her brother's forehead. The boy moved in his sleep, and the little frown on his face suddenly disappeared. His heart rate, which had been too high for someone under sedation, slowed to a more gentle pace. Sally also checked his breathing and found it less rash and labored. She gave a brilliant smile.
"See?" she said. "He's getting better already just because you're here. You just have to hold on a bit more, Iria. It will be painful, but he will make it."
"I know. He is so strong sometimes it amazes even me."
She kissed him again.
'Just hold on, little brother. We are all here for you. We love you.'
In his sleep, Quatre felt some strange but familiar warmth envelop him.
/care love affection hope fear love hope care /
/we love you/
Somehow, the warmth made him comfortable. He relaxed and slipped into deeper sleep, knowing that the warmth would chase the nightmares away this time.