Part 11 – Enter login and password
"Doc! Hey, Doc!"Carter blinked several times as the room came into brutal focus. Sally was kneeling in front of him along with Shannon and checking his eyes.
"Pupils reacting and symmetric. Good. He didn't clog you too hard."
"What happened?" Shannon asked, concerned. "Where is Quatre?"
"Probably busy exploring the mansion by now," Sally said on a conversational tone.
"Ow," Carter cut in, rubbing his head. "He… he hit me!"
"What did you expect?" Sally said sarcastically. "Flowers? He's not well, Doc, and he woke up in what still is, for the moment, an unknown environment. I saw the little lights on my transmitter too, but I thought it would be best to give him a bit of time to get reacquainted with his own room, but no, you had to rush there and check on him!"
She didn't look that furious, more like an angry mother scolding her child, but Carter felt bad nonetheless. He could have thought of that too.
"What if he gets out of the mansion?" Shannon asked worriedly.
"No worries, I called Iria as soon as I realized he was gone," Sally answered. "None of the Maguanacs saw him get out, which doesn't mean a thing since he's perfected the art of sneaking out ever since he was six from what I heard, and he was quite good at leaving them behind during the war, but in his state, he couldn't have gone far, and I think I arrived here less than thirty seconds after he had left the room. The mansion is locked down, he won't get out."
Carter got up, leaning on the wall to stay upright. He was still seeing stars.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"Don't be sorry, be useful. Go splash some fresh water on your face and put your head together. I'll wake up the boys. We have three hundred and sixty-seven rooms to search."
"Holy Mother of God, stop pounding on that door, woman!" Duo bellowed as he threw the door open in a very Wufei-like fashion.
He leaned on the doorjamb, dressed only in his boxers, and smiled sweetly to Sally, who was unmoved by his antics, and to Shannon, who was trying to calm the beating of her heart.
"What pray tell brings two young maidens like you to our homely abode?" he asked.
"Quatre," Heero said laconically from behind.
"Oi, Heero, it's not polite to speak before the ladies!"
"You know where he is?" Heero asked Sally, completely ignoring Duo.
"Is 'somewhere in the house' a good answer?" the doctor said.
"Hn."
He was already dressed and glanced at his gun lying on the nightstand.
"Hee-babe, you won't need that. It's Cat we're talkin' about, right? Sweet guy doesn't like violence and all."
"Doesn't like unnecessary violence," Heero corrected. "But I agree. We're trying to help him, not scare him to death. He must feel lost right now."
'Probably as much as you do, lover,' Duo thought, but he said nothing and just got dressed.
As they got out of the room, they found Trowa already waiting for them in the corridor.
"He escaped, didn't he?"
"Yup! Clubbed Carter on the way out! What do you think, Tro?" Duo asked.
"I think he must have been pretty desperate to get out."
A small silence, then Sally asked the question.
"Did someone tell Wufei?"
Wufei glared at Carter, who suddenly felt the urge to dig a hole and hide himself in it.
"You lost him. On his first day back."
"I am sorry."
"You'd better be. May I remind you that, for my superior, I am responsible for Quatre's security and will be held accountable should anything happen to him?"
"I didn't realize…"
Wufei sighed and waved the apologies away.
"What's done is done. Sally, you are positive he couldn't have left the house?"
"Let's see, he spent almost twenty-four hours under sedatives, he hasn't eaten, going out of his room while he can't shield will weaken him… yeah, I'd say there's a pretty good chance he is inside of the house and not too far."
"I asked all of the servants to regroup in one room and lock themselves in so that they do not risk stumbling upon him and getting hurt," Iria said. "Do… Does anyone here know what happened for him to react that way?"
No one answered.
"Well, I'll just wait here," Iria started again, "in case he comes back. I'll leave you to search the mansion."
"Heero and I will take the second floor," Duo said.
"Good," Wufei acquiesced. "Sally, you, Doctor Carter and Shannon look on the third floor, and Trowa and I will take care of the first floor. We stay in contact with our radios. Let's go."
Quatre had absolutely no idea where he was. As soon as he had gotten out of the blue room, hundreds of alien emotions had hit his power, instantly taking him back into the whirlwind he had lived in before the strange boys had come for him. He had been so surprised that he had barely had the presence of mind to leave the corridor before anyone else would arrive. Ever since, he had avoided several people he didn't recognize at first sight, all thanks to the cold voice. But the more he listened to it, the more it hurt.
/more hostile presence. prepare to eliminate/
/no/
/prepare to eliminate/
/NO!/
/prepare…/
/STOP IT! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!/
/program subroutine altered. incorrect input. reinitialize program/
All that, meddled with the hundreds of emotions flying around, and Quatre felt like he was losing that small, sane part of his mind again. He was holding onto it, trying to ignore the horrible pain both in his head and in his heart as he desperately tried to ignore the cold voice. He could not let it guide him. He had already hit the doctor because of it, he didn't want to hurt anyone else.
He had stumbled down stairs, followed corridors, the huge mansion evoking echoes of forgotten memories. It was imposing, and probably meant to have a lot of people in it, and yet it was strangely empty. Quatre felt scared, because his power told him that the house was far from empty but he couldn't see anyone, and he had avoided everyone he didn't recognize, because he was too afraid he would hurt someone that would only want to help.
/hostile presence/
/no. i don't want to./
/safer course of action: eliminate probable hostile presence. probability of success: sixty-seven point three percent/
/i won't listen to you. every time i do, something bad happens to someone around me. wait… how do i know that? how long have i been hearing you?/
/too long / the saner part of his mind answered.
Clutching his head and gasping for breath, the blond boy chose the first door he saw and ducked into the room, not even caring about closing the door. The room was a study, plunged in the dark, heavy drapes blocking the rays of the artificial sun. Quatre didn't mind. In the dark, it was easier to pretend that this was not real and just a nightmare. He crawled under the big oaken desk and sat on the carpeted floor, content to be hidden from view. Now if only putting his hands on his ears could make everything and everyone in his head go away.
Just as he raised his arms, he suddenly saw the red scars on his wrists. He remembered the day he had made them very vividly. He had been at the clinic for some time, and he just couldn't stand it anymore. He was sure his head was going to explode, and to top it all, he had hit one of the other patients too, again because of the cold voice. So at night, when no one was looking and the other patient in the room was sleeping, Quatre had gotten up and to the bathroom. He had broken the mirror, picked up one shard of glass and begun to slash at his wrists. At that time, the only things he had thought about were that it would be over, and blood had a pretty color on his skin. He had watched, fascinated by the hot crimson liquid pouring down on his arms and on the floor. Then, the smell of the blood had reached his nose and he had doubled over in pain as strange images of dying people and explosions had crossed his mind.
That last time, somebody had found him, and they had stitched his wrists and put him in isolation. It was a little better, but only marginally. The doctor and the nurses were doing their best to help him, and he knew just how much they were shielding to avoid him being in pain. And it was making him sad to be unable to reach out to them and tell them that he appreciated the effort, and he was really grateful for everything they did for him, even if it was useless. He had not tried again, because he knew he was being watched all of the time. They thought their cameras were well hidden, but he had spotted them on the first day.
But now, it was different. He didn't know where he was, he was scared, he was alone in the dark. Maybe now, he could make it stop, and no one would try to prevent him from doing it.
He began to claw at the scars, his nails digging in the tender and angry skin. It didn't do a lot, but the physical pain somehow anchored him in his body. Eyes unseeing, he kept on scratching the scars, only letting out a satisfied sigh as one of them finally reopened and blood splashed. Unheeded tears began to fall down his cheeks, but he ignored them.
"Nothing in here," Wufei said, closing the door of what had turned out to be a gigantic library. "You?"
"Nothing," Trowa answered, closing the door to a great hall. "Where to next?"
Wufei indicated a corridor that seemed to run along the backside of the house on all of its length. They began to go down, methodically checking each room, Wufei muttering soft acknowledgements in his radio every time Heero or Sally came in to report.
"How did you know he was missing?" he abruptly asked. "Duo told me you were already out when they came to get you."
"I knew he was awake. And then…" Trowa frowned, looking for his words. "I don't know. Something changed."
"Really?"
Wufei had always been curious about that strange connection Trowa and Quatre shared. He knew that he himself felt connected to his fellow pilots more than to any other person, but it was not the same. From what Trowa and Quatre said, it had begun ever since their first meeting. Quatre could feel each and every one of them, but Trowa's pull on his mind was stronger. And Trowa, who was sure he didn't possess any kind of empathic ability, seemed able to perceive Quatre's discomfort or distress before it became visible to the eye, but it didn't work all the time. Sally had been unable to explain it, and Iria hadn't been willing to explain it. The only answer she'd given to Quatre when he'd asked was to say that a lot of things about empaths were still mysterious to mankind, and would probably stay that way for a long time, but she had started some research.
"I can't really explain," Trowa started again. "You have to feel it to fully grasp it because it cannot be described with words. It just… the taste of him changed. The color changed. Something went off. Something bad."
"How bad?" Wufei scowled.
"Evil," was Trowa's cryptic answer.
He closed another door and turned to Wufei.
"It tasted like Zero."
Wufei's eyes widened in disbelief.
"What?"
"I still remember distinctively what Quatre felt like just before he shot me. What I felt when I piloted it."
"But it doesn't make any sense! Quatre hasn't been in contact with Zero for more than a year! Wing Zero was destroyed, and the Zero System was destroyed with it! The software in Libra and Epyon disappeared when they were blown up!"
"I just know what I feel, Wufei. I know it seems impossible, but it's true."
"But how can he be under the influence of the Zero System now? This is a piloting program, isn't it?"
"Now I'm not so sure. But… the only people alive who really know what the Zero System is all about are Zechs, Heero and Quatre."
Wufei frowned.
"I have some questions that I will need answered," he said slowly. "I piloted that machine once, but I didn't really pay attention to how it worked. Not that there was much time for it at the time anyway."
Trowa stopped dead and caught Wufei's arm, silencing him.
"What?" Wufei whispered.
Trowa silently pointed to an open door not far from where they were standing. The inside of the room was dark. Wufei raised an interrogative eyebrow. Trowa knew the mansion better than he did. He had actually lived in the place.
"This is his father's office," Trowa said under his breath. "No one ever goes in there. It's been closed ever since he died. Quatre has always refused to put even one foot into that room."
"Looks like he just did."
They came closer, silent as cats. The sound of muffled sobs was coming from inside. Wufei would have been unable to explain why hearing Quatre's voice, the strangled sobs escaping his friend's throat in some kind of desperate plea, suddenly made his insides lurch.
'Whatever you try to tell yourself, your concern goes far deeper than what you usually feel for someone who is just a friend,' he thought. 'You can try to hide as much as you can, in the end, it will always come to this. You love him, and he loves someone else who loves him back. You don't belong here.'
So why did he felt that being here, by Trowa's side, helping Quatre with Trowa, and supporting both of them through this was incredibly right? That it was the exact place where he was meant to be? Why did it feel like Quatre's unspoken cries for help were also directed at him?
"I'll go call some help," Wufei said suddenly, but Trowa stopped him before he could go.
"Use the radio. I need you to stay here with me. We have no idea what state he is in, and I won't face him alone if it appears he is…"
He didn't finish, but Wufei understood perfectly well. The last time Trowa and Quatre had come face to face with the Zero System between them, things had been more than ugly, and it had taken several months for most of the wounds, mental or physical, to finally mend. The Chinese nodded and pushed a button on his radio.
"We found him."
"We're coming," Duo's voice answered. "Where are you guys?"
"No," Sally interrupted. "You come here, get Carter and bring him back to the room to wait for us. And warn Iria too. Shannon, you come with me. Where are you, Wufei?"
"Back corridor on the first floor, near the middle of the house. He's in an office. We didn't get in."
"Good. Don't. I'm coming right now. Doc, please follow the guys. Don't argue now, there's honestly not a lot you can do right now."
"I know," they heard Carter's voice answer. "In fact, before he is better and willing to talk, there's practically nothing I can do."
"That's not true," Trowa protested. "You already did so much…"
"C'mon, guys, save the sap for later," Duo cut in. "Sending the ladies on their way. Meet you guys in fifteen?"
"Roger," Wufei answered before ending the communication.
"Status?" Sally asked sharply as soon as she arrived.
"He's still in there," Wufei answered. "We don't know what the room looks like, or where exactly in the room he is."
"He's crying," Trowa added quietly.
They both looked up at Sally. The doctor scowled.
"I can't put him under again," she said. "He needs to rebuild his physical strength, and I can't help him do that if he is sedated and fed through IV bags."
"Maybe I can try…" Shannon began, but Sally cut in.
"In a normal situation, I would let you go in there, but we have no idea what's wrong, and you don't know him enough for me to let you go in there alone."
"He would not hurt me," Shannon protested. "He saved my life!"
"I don't doubt that, and I know he would not want to hurt you. But…"
She looked at Trowa, who nodded.
"But there are some factors neither you nor Carter know about and that can make it dangerous. Trowa and Wufei will go in there first, then us."
The two young men looked at each other, then eased the door open a bit more and slipped inside. After a few seconds to adapt to the dark, they tried to locate the source of the muffled sobs.
"He's under the desk," Wufei whispered.
"Roger."
They walked around the desk, Wufei from the right, Trowa from the left, and kneeled when they reached the other side, trying to peer into the dark to see something. They eventually distinguished Quatre's lithe form huddled under the desk, knees against his chest, clutching one of his wrists and crying his eyes out, apparently not seeing them.
"Shit!" Trowa gasped when he realized what the dark stains on Quatre's wrist were. "Sally! He's bleeding!"
The doctor and the nurse were by their side almost instantly.
"Stay back," Sally ordered, then she tried to assess the damage. "He opened one of his scars… with his nails? Oh God! Shannon, come here! Take my bag, there are some bandages in there. I'll have to redo some stitches once we're out of here."
Quatre did not pay any attention to them. He was sitting there, rocking back and forth, and apparently unaware that blood was dripping down his right arm. Shannon came forth, and handed the bandages to Sally.
"Can I try something?" she asked.
"Go ahead," Sally answered. "We have to make him come out anyway."
Shannon kneeled closer and extended a hand to the young man.
"Quatre? Quatre, what are you doing here? Come on, some people worry about you, I need you to get out."
To everyone's surprise, Quatre's head snapped up and he looked at the nurse, then began to shake his head frantically.
"Don't worry, Quatre, it's okay," Shannon continued in the same soothing voice. "You hurt yourself, look. You have to get out so that we can put something on that wound. Please?"
Her hand was still outstretched. She was the first one to jump when Quatre began to move and reached out for her with his left hand, his right bloodied wrist still cradled against his chest. Whatever Shannon wanted to believe about being experienced, it was only the second time that Quatre had really interacted with her, the second time he was looking at her and seeing her for real. And the first time that he showed that he trusted her. In spite of herself, she was moved to tears.
"That's right, come here," she kept on. "You can do it, I know."
Very slowly, he caught her hand, and she helped him crawl out from under the desk, just tugging on his hand slightly when he hesitated. Trowa and Wufei were stunned and did not even dare breathe. Sally was watching silently. The only one Quatre seemed to see right now was Shannon, and he could react badly upon seeing other people were also in the room.
She was not wrong about that. As soon as Quatre spotted Trowa, a panicked expression appeared on his face and he tried to back away, only held back by Shannon's hand. He began to try and take his own hand away, hindered because he couldn't use his right hand. Shannon started to lose her calm. He was so strong; she couldn't possibly prevent him from breaking the grip eventually.
Wufei moved so rapidly that Sally almost didn't see it. In one second, he was by Quatre's side and had pinched a nerve in the back of his neck. Quatre fell unconscious immediately, flopping down on the carpet, and Shannon let go of his hand with a surprised yelp. The Chinese looked up to Trowa.
"Sorry," he said, "I didn't…"
Trowa shook his head, refusing the apology.
"It was the only way," he just said.
Sally was busy examining Quatre's wrist.
"It's not deep," she said, "but that kind of wounds always bleeds a lot. Trowa, would you…"
Without another word, Trowa picked Quatre up and held him against his chest. Wufei tried to look away but found out that he couldn't. How many times had he seen that very same scene, during the wars? How many times had he felt that same pang of loneliness because he was unable to do that for anyone?
"Thank you, Wufei."
The Chinese gave a start when he heard the quiet words. Trowa was standing near the door, holding Quatre and looking at him, his gaze clearly inviting Wufei to come along. And Wufei did, unable to resist. He had craved for so long to be able to care for Quatre, only holding back because Quatre had Trowa, and couldn't possibly notice him of all people. He had nothing to offer to Quatre and spent most of his time hiding behind a grumpy mask. He could not conceive betraying his friends by showing unwanted affection to one of them, when they were happy with each other. But… things had happened, and Trowa himself had admitted that everything was not going smoothly between him and Quatre. And now, in a situation where Quatre's needs should be the first thing to come to his mind, Trowa still took the time to extend his hand out to Wufei, and to ask him to come. Trowa, not Quatre. The man who was his best friend, and whose lover he was in love with.
Trowa was still waiting, gaze still inviting, confident, somehow, that Wufei would follow. And Wufei began to grow uncomfortable. There was nothing condemning in that gaze, nothing harsh, just plain, quiet trust. And Wufei suddenly realized why.
'He knows.'
Once Quatre was tucked safely back in his bed, Sally re-did the stitches on his wrist and bandaged it very carefully. Iria was very pale, and Heero downright livid. In fact, it looked like the only thing keeping the Japanese on his feet was Duo's hand on the small of his back and whatever he was whispering into Heero's ear.
"It's okay," Sally finally said. "He's gonna be fine, but I'd like someone to stay with him from now on."
"I'll stay," Trowa said unnecessarily.
"Why did he do that?" Iria asked weakly.
Carter cleared his throat, and blushed when every conscious person in the room turned to him.
"A lot of New Types try to commit suicide," he said very carefully. "And you have probably noticed that this is not a first for him."
Trowa caught Quatre's left hand and his thumb slowly caressed the red scars on the wrist.
"How many times did we almost lose him?" he asked, not really waiting for an answer.
"Explain," Heero demanded harshly.
"Well, for untrained New Types who don't have any kind of control over their power, it can become overwhelming. Telepaths have been known to go crazy from hearing thoughts 24/7. I suppose the feeling is even worse for empaths. And since he had held his power in check for so long, having it freed and out of control probably unbalanced him to the point that he saw this as the best way to end it. He probably didn't remember much of who he was when he did it, it just… seemed like the best way to make it stop."
Heero's face, although unnaturally pale, remained blank, but something in the deep blue eyes frightened Carter.
'He knows the feeling. He knows what it's like to be forced to wake up day after day and face unnamable horrors, and to want it to stop just for a short time.'
Heero did not seem to bear any scars from self-inflicted injuries, apart from his bandaged hand, and none of his arms bore traces of any suicide attempts. But there were many ways to commit suicide, Carter reflected, and many ways to still function when you were dead inside.
"He's going to be alright, Heero," Trowa said quietly, coming to face his comrade. "I promise. I'll do everything I can to make sure he will be okay."
"We'll be here for you, Tro," Duo answered. "Whatever you need, you just ask and we'll be there."
"I know. But don't forget to take care of yourselves too, because Cat will want to see you once he gets better. And we still have an investigation going on."
Heero suddenly seemed to look a bit better. This was familiar territory after all. If going on a mission and finding out the culprits were the only things he could do for Quatre, then he would do so without a hesitation
"We won't forget," Duo promised. "We only had a few hours of sleep, so if you don't mind…"
"Of course not."
Duo went to Quatre's bedside, dragging Heero along with him, and kissed his friend's forehead.
"Get better, Cat," he whispered. "We're all here for you."
Heero gingerly held out a hand, and traced the contours of the pale face with one finger. He didn't say anything, just looked at Trowa. Trowa didn't need any words and smiled, accepting the support Heero could not give out with words and offering some of his own. It was difficult for him to see Quatre in that situation, but he didn't forget how hard it was on the rest of them. Duo seemed to be holding on quite well, but that was just a facade. Trowa knew very well that once they would find the guilty ones, they would have to run very, very fast to escape Duo's wrath. But for now, he was helping Heero to remain focused, and that was the most important thing. Trowa loved Heero very much, he had ever since they had spent some time at the circus after he had taken his comrade's broken body from the Siberia battlefield. A wounded Heero was a dangerous Heero. But he would never do anything to endanger the people he considered his family. He just needed an outlet for the unwavering guilt and self-loathing, for not having been able to protect Quatre, and the mission to find the bad ones would do just that. Trowa knew that Wufei knew that too, and it was probable that the Chinese had already designed the mission plan to let Heero and Duo do most of the practical research, leaving them two to look after Quatre in the early stages of his recuperation.
"We'll hit the sheets," Duo said.
"I think you should do the same, Iria," Sally said sternly. "I'll have someone wake you up as soon as he is conscious. Shannon, Doc, would you mind coming to my room so that I can brief you and you give me your version of his stay at your clinic?"
"No problem", Carter answered.
Everyone began to get out, leaving only Trowa and Wufei inside. Wufei got up and reluctantly made his way to the door.
"I should go too."
"Wufei…"
Wufei stopped, facing the door. He did not want to get out, not really, but he wasn't sure he was up to facing Trowa just right now. He turned around very slowly. Trowa was sitting at Quatre's beside, holding his injured hand, and looking straight into lost black eyes. His next words were Wufei's undoing.
"Could you please stay here… with us?"
"I don't think I should…"
"Please, Wufei."
Wufei nodded and slowly went to take the seat on the other side of the bed. He forced himself to look down. He didn't want to face the accusation he was sure he was going to meet in the eyes of his friends. That was why he jumped when Trowa's hand suddenly left Quatre's to take his.
"It's okay, Wufei."
Wufei finally looked up. He met no condemnation, just acceptance and a soft question. And he didn't understand.
"I'm sorry, Trowa. I didn't mean for you to find out anything…"
"I said it's okay, Wufei. I've known about that for a while, actually."
Wufei gulped.
"How?"
Trowa looked down at the sleeping young man on the bed with a smile.
"Quatre told me."
Black eyes went impossibly wide.
"He knew too?"
"How could you expect to hide this from him, Wufei? You could not seriously think he would not know. But… even before that, I knew. Just by the way you looked at him, I could tell."
"I'm sorry," Wufei said again, beginning to get up. "You know I won't come between you two, and…"
"Wufei, for the love of god, please stop talking nonsense and sit down!"
Wufei was so taken by surprise that he sat back down without thinking twice. But then, it was not every day that one managed to make Trowa Barton raise his voice.
"Wufei, I don't really know how to explain. We didn't plan for it to happen that way, in fact, we wanted to wait until we would have worked out our own issues before we talked to you, but… a lot of things just came in the way."
Wufei nodded, then frowned. 'We?'
"We wanted to be sure of what we wanted out of our relationship before we would have enough guts to ask you to join us."
There were two seconds of complete silence, only the humming of the machinery in the walls resounding around the room.
"Wh… What?"
Trowa looked at Wufei sadly.
"I'm sorry if this comes as a shock to you, Wufei, but… Quatre loves you, you know. Very much. Last year, he suffered a lot watching you lose yourself in a quest that didn't seem to end, struggle with your feelings, and most of all not being able to help. It was then, I think, that he realized he was in love with you."
"But… you…"
"He was afraid to tell me at first, but he trusted me enough to do it, and I'm sure he was surprised by my reaction. I love him, Wufei, with all of my heart, but there are some things that he cannot give me, and some things that I cannot give him. Some parts of our pasts will always remain mysteries because we are simply not able to comprehend them fully. When we are together, it is unbelievable, and yet we have been feeling, for quite some time now, that something… someone was missing to make us truly whole."
Wufei was gaping by now.
"I… I don't… I didn't…"
"I wish Quatre was awake and healthy, and he would tell you this with me. I'm sure you didn't want us to find out, and I definitely didn't want you to find out that way. We had planned to tell you this together and let you choose for yourself. But I don't think I have a right to pretend anymore, Wufei, because Quatre needs you, and he needs you now."
Trowa took Quatre's hand again, caressing it slowly, his eyes roaming over his lover's face.
"I can be strong for him, Wufei, but this time, I may also need someone to be strong for me… I can't do this alone."