Carter blinked.
'Oh-kaaay! That wasn't really the answer I was looking for,' he thought, eyes darting to Sally Po and Duo Maxwell.
But those two didn't look like they could help. Duo was gripping the arms of the chair he was sitting in so tight that his knuckles were white, and Sally, standing by his side, was staring at Heero, her mouth gaping. Clearly, none of them had expected that answer either, and they hadn't anticipated Heero's voice to sound that young and childish. Carter hadn't really paid attention, since it was frequent for patients undergoing regression to sound like they had as children, but it seemed to be quite a nasty shock for the two others.
Clearing his throat, Carter went back to his patient.
"Alright… Uh, let's rewind your life, now and go back as far as possible… Are you there?"
"Hai," the very young voice answered.
"Uh?" Carter said dumbly.
"It means 'yes'," he heard Sally Po whisper as silently as possible. "Japanese."
"Oh… Okay. Where are you now, Heero?"
"Shiranai yo. Subete shiroi da."
"In English, Heero, please," Carter said.
Heero frowned, but complied.
"I don't know. It's all white."
"Are you alone?"
"No. Lots of people around me. They are all looking at me and talking, and some of them are sticking needles in me and it hurts. I… I'm strapped, I can't move."
"How old are you?" Carter asked, feeling decidedly sick.
"I… I'm not sure. I don't know when I was born."
At that point, Sally, had to pry Duo's fingers from the chair before he would break it. The young man looked downright homicidal, his eyes riveted to Heero's face and his teeth gritted in a ferocious snarl. Sally just signaled to Carter that she had it under control and beckoned to him to continue.
"Let's move forward. What happens next?"
Heero's whole facial expression changed, suddenly showing a bright smile that was most unusual.
"Odin," he simply said.
Duo seemed to relax a little. Maybe this was something that the two of them had talked about together, Carter thought.
"Who is Odin?" he asked Heero.
"He's an assassin. He's a friend of Doctor J, I think. I don't really know. Just one day, he came, and he took me out of the white rooms. He kept saying that no one had the right to do that to a child." Heero frowned a bit, as if he didn't understand something. "I'm not sure he's talking about me. The other people, they all say I'm just a machine, that I was built for the Gundam. I don't understand what it means."
"Go on," Carter gulped with difficulties.
"Odin is taking me out of the white rooms. He meets with Doctor J. He scares me." Heero shuddered. "And… he tells Odin that he doesn't have anything to do with this, that he was building the machine and didn't know about me. He's looking at me… I think… And he tells Odin to get me out while he can."
"What happens after that?"
"I'm with Odin. He takes me with him everywhere. Teaches me how to take care of myself. Sometimes I help him. We pretend I'm his son. I… I like it when we do that. At times it almost feels like it's real. But I can't allow myself to show it. When I did, back then in the white rooms, I got punished. So I don't say it. I just do what he says, I try to please him."
"Let's move on a little bit further. Where are you now?"
"L3-X18999. Odin has a mission here but… it… it all goes wrong… and when I find him again…"
Slender hands clenched on the bedspread, the only sign that they were finally closing in on something important.
"Take your time," Carter said slowly.
"He's lying on the floor. He got shot. I don't know what to do. He told me he was going to leave me here when he was done with this job, but I didn't think… I didn't think it meant he would die. He… knows it's over too, he's not even trying to get up. He's just telling me not to forget our years together, and… that I should always act on my emotions. And then he dies."
"What do you do next?"
"I just finish the mission, and go away. I don't know where I'm going. I just… go."
"How old are you?"
"About… eight, I think."
"Okay… Now, I would like you to tell me how you became a Gundam pilot, if it's okay?"
Heero swallowed, but kept on, his voice gaining a bit of depth, as if assessing the passage of time.
"J finds me again, but… I don't remember him. He asks me if I would like to pilot a Gundam. I don't know what it is, but I have nothing better to do. So I say yes."
"What next?"
"He… He says he's sorry to have to do this to me, but he has to. He says it would have been better if he hadn't found me again, but I'm the best they have because I was meant for that machine, I was created to pilot it. It… hurts… all of the time… They give me shots, they do stuff to me, I don't know what it is… I have to train for hours… I'm not allowed to rest, never… there's no time, no time…"
Heero's breathing grew rapid and shallow.
"My hands are bleeding from the controls, but I can't stop… my head hurts so much because of all the lights, but I can't say anything… if I do, they will punish me again, I know it… they don't care what they do to me, I'm just a machine, like the other one… the Gundam… both… machines…"
"Move further on, Heero. Try to calm down, it's okay, this is all in the past now," Carter said soothingly. "It can't hurt you. Now where are you?"
"I'm… back on L3-X18999. I'm being sent as an operative."
"Is it the first time?"
"No. I've had… missions on Earth. Recon. Sometimes assassination. This time I have to plant bombs. But…"
"Yes?"
"It all goes wrong!" Heero almost wailed. "It wasn't supposed to happen like this! The bombs go off, but… there was a Leo, standing there, and… the blow of the explosion… it makes it fall into… a civilian building! And everyone dies! Everyone… even the little girl… even the dog…"
Carter frowned in confusion.
"What little girl, Heero?"
Heero began to shake, and tears formed in his eyes, slowly spilling down his cheeks.
"She was nice to me… it was… the first time someone was nice to me just like that, apart from Odin… she even gave me a flower… called me 'nii-chan… her dog… Mary… was nice too, she wanted me to pet her… and none of them… were afraid of me… all the others, I've seen them looking at me, they're afraid… because they know that I could kill them just like that… if I wanted to… I could kill her too, but… I don't want to… She's smiling… she's happy… she's just a little girl walking her puppy and… And I killed her!"
True sobs were now escaping the young man on the bed, his hands balled in fists and his shoulders shaking. Carter looked at Sally Po, and the woman nodded. At her side, Duo was looking at Heero with tears in his own eyes, and gripping Sally's wrist in a vice grip. Carter was more than amazed to see that the young woman was not complaining. In fact she even had a reassuring arm around the young man's shoulders, and seemed to be the only thing anchoring him right now.
'That's enough,' Sally mouthed, and Carter nodded back to her, turning to face his patient again.
"Alright, Heero now listen to me. I am going to count from five to one, and when I'm done, you will wake up. Five… four… three… two… one…"
Deep blue eyes seemed to abruptly focus as the young man went out of the trance. He buried his face in his hands, still sobbing. No sooner had he done that that Duo was here, holding him and talking in whispers to him. Carter was wondering if there was something he could do, but seconds later, Sally Po was at his side and towing him outside of the room.
"Let's leave them alone for a while," she said as they went out, and she closed the door behind herself before facing Carter. "Thank you so much for having accepted to do this."
"It was the least I could do," he answered honestly, "but I'm not sure I helped."
She smiled to him, looking a bit tired.
"You did. I'm not quite sure what you started, and it's clear that we haven't even caught a glimpse of what really happened to him, but… I've heard enough. I don't care if J tried to get him out when he found out what they were doing to a kid, if he was still alive, I would rip him open and feed him his balls, assuming they're not as cybernetic as his eyes! And that would be if Duo didn't get to him first!"
Carter gaped at Sally, and she smirked.
"Oh, I may have forgotten a few details about myself," she said lightly. "I'm not just a doctor; I'm also an ex-Alliance major and a guerilla fighter. And a hothead."
"I had noticed the last one", Carter answered a bit shakily.
He had no real idea who Doctor J was, but he really wouldn't want to be in his place, dead or not.
Duo just held on to Heero, letting him cry his eyes out and trying not to break into sobs himself. He rubbed soothing circles on his lover's back and tried to convey as much comfort as he could through physical contact. It seemed like an eternity before the sobs reduced to muffled sniffs, and Duo sighed tiredly as he eased himself more comfortably on the bed.
When Heero finally looked at him, Duo brought a hand to his cheek and carefully wiped the last traces of tears away. Heero leaned into the touch, and spoke in a hoarse voice.
"I should have told you."
Duo shrugged.
"You didn't remember half of that, and… you shared the good parts with me, at least."
He could remember the nights where Heero had timidly spoken about Odin, and the strange relationship that had developed between a small Heero and the man who had killed the well-known pacifist leader whose name was to become his 'son's' code name.
"You know, Heero…" Duo said, in a strangely choked voice, "there are days, when I close my eyes all I can see is the church crumbling down… over and over again… But I only have to think of one thing to make it all go away. D'ya know what this is?"
Heero shook his head, and Duo chuckled.
"It's you, idiot," he said tenderly. "All I have to remember is how I thought you had a major case of stick up the ass when I first met you… how I couldn't help bugging you just to get a reaction, anything… how you kept being an asshole and a thief and a jackass and someone not that nice on the whole… and… how you didn't kill me when you had the chance… how you saved my hide more times than I can count… You're not a machine. They were wrong. There always was a human heart deep down there," he added, his hand splayed on Heero's chest. "They just didn't look hard enough, didn't bother to find it. But I did. And I'm keeping it."
Heero snuggled closer to him, letting out an exhausted sigh.
"Thank you," he said in a whisper.
"You're welcome," Duo whispered back. "I'll always be there for you, just like I know you'll always have my back. We're a team, and we work well together. So I hope you'll be keeping me too."
"I'd like that," Heero said sleepily, his eyes beginning to droop.
"That's good to know. I don't think anyone else would want me, I'm so screwed up anyway…"
Heero surprised him by wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him closer.
"I don't care. I'm even more screwed up."
"Better not start a contest on that subject, because none of us would win. But… you need to talk, you gimme a ring, okay?"
Heero was already asleep. Duo smiled, kissed a soft cheek and closed his eyes too.
Wufei sipped the tea that Trowa had brought him, eyes staring at the back of his friend looking out of the window. Trowa had rapidly explained the situation about Heero and Duo, or at least what he knew of it. There was probably a lot more to it, but Wufei was a practical young man: while at times able to wallow for days and months at end on his failures, he didn't see the point in worrying for something that he knew nothing about. Everything seemed connected to those strange memory cards that Trowa had said Maxwell and Yuy had brought back. It was useless to think any of the two would be remotely ready to explain anything for the next few hours. Now that they were back, however, Sally and Carter could monitor their condition and make sure they were okay.
Wufei smirked to himself in his mug. Yuy had probably not been happy with what Sally had suggested, but he knew the Japanese well enough to know that he would have gone along with it if it meant that it was the best option available. Even in those occasions, Yuy remained focused and mission-oriented, and both Duo and Sally would have made sure to remind him of Quatre's condition. How they would manage to make him accept Carter was something else entirely, but it was not like they had a choice there. Wufei was absolutely confident that things would be alright, at least as alright as they could be when you had to face your own demons. He was one to know after all. It was Yuy himself who had forced him to look at the ghosts who haunted him during that dreadful battle in the atmosphere. The soft admission of confusion, loss and dismay that had escaped the lips of the man that Wufei believed to be the best fighter ever had been enough to make it all come to a stop.
Right now, Wufei had other preoccupations to distract him both from the situation and from his own fight with the shadows in his past. Black eyes drifted and stopped on the lanky figure framed by the window. Trowa seemed to be his normal, cool, composed self, but Wufei knew better. There was a tension in the line of his shoulders that not even an ex-mercenary could hide, certainly not to one of his comrades, at least. Trowa was holding himself rigidly, arms crossed and eyes staring in the void, not really seeing the bright gardens whose flowers were bringing out colorful spots in the surrounding green. And he had been doing so for almost two hours now.
"He's going to be alright, you know," Wufei said softly.
Trowa gave no indication that he had heard. But after a few moments of silence, he spoke back.
"I know."
"Then why don't you believe it? You've seen him at his worst before."
"That's why. I know what he can be like in a moment like that."
Wufei smiled again, a bit sarcastically.
"I think Maxwell's more than able to handle this kind of little emotional crisis. He's a big fan of them after all."
"Which you're not."
"No," Wufei agreed. "No, I'm not."
"Hn."
Wufei put his mug of tea down on the floor, got up, and went to the window. Gently, he made Trowa turn round.
"If you know they're going to be alright, why worry needlessly?"
"Because they're my friends. Because I can't help it. Because… do I need a reason?"
Wufei sighed.
"I guess not. I just… sometimes I don't understand you guys at all. Why worry over something you have no power upon? It's much more useful to concentrate your energy where you know you can change things."
Trowa smiled , even if worry never left his eyes.
"Why did you think Quatre and I want you to join us, Wufei? Why do you think we love you?"
Wufei frowned.
"I thought we had agreed not to bring that subject on again for a while."
"I didn't. I simply said I'd leave you some time to think about it. I never said I would not talk about it."
"You know, Barton, when you do talk, you can be even sneakier than Maxwell."
"I'll take that as a compliment."
An uneasy silence fell, neither youth really knowing how to carry on with a conversation that couldn't lead anywhere at this point in time. Then, Trowa almost had the biggest shock of his life for the second time in twenty-four hours when Wufei hugged him.
It was strange, really. It was different from when Quatre hugged him. Quatre fitted against him in an incredible way, slender arms wrapping around his neck or waist and giving Trowa a kind of protective feeling that he sometimes had to keep in check, because Quatre did not take being smothered kindly. Wufei's hug felt strong, the arms steadying him and keeping him upright, and he wanted nothing more right now than to lean forward on the chest that was offered. So, following his instinct, he did. A moment passed by during which they just let go of everything while holding onto each other. When Wufei spoke again, it was in a breathy whisper that tickled Trowa's ear.
"Trowa, I… I don't know if I can be what you want me to be. I… I don't want to lose you, either of you, but… I…"
Putting a hand on Wufei's mouth, Trowa silenced him.
"I know," he just said. "I'm not pressuring. Neither will he. But… Wufei… remember this: we don't want you to be anyone else but the person you already are. We want you just as you are. And we don't want to lose you either."
"You won't. I'm not going away but… I… I don't know…"
"It's okay, Wufei. I told you. Your call. Your choice. And…"
"Yes?"
"Thank you."
/affection fear love anguish/
The stream of emotion that suddenly replaced the warm pool of calm was enough to rouse Quatre from his peaceful slumber, but he didn't come awake immediately. In fact, his gift slowly opened, surprising him again because it wasn't channeling the kind of tornado he had become accustomed to. It was then, as he lay between sleep and awareness, that he noticed the subtle change of taste in the emotional atmosphere.
/not just one person, not just wufei/
There were two people in the room, but the touch of their minds felt blurred, as if they were so entwined in each other that Quatre couldn't really see where one ended and the other began. It was a feeling so familiar to him that he found himself brutally awake and sitting up, green-blue eyes searching the room and falling on the two young men embracing each other.
The soft rustling of sheets was enough to warn the other occupants of the room and they turned to look at him. There was a moment of absolute silence and immobility, each young man watching. Quatre was just looking at Trowa and Wufei holding each other but there was no trace of condemnation in his eyes, just a soft light, and a small smile appeared on his lips. For their parts, Wufei and Trowa barely dared breathe, not really sure that Quatre was truly awake.
There was an awkward moment as Wufei let go of Trowa a bit abruptly, as if caught doing something he shouldn't have been.
/confusion/
Quatre frowned at that new information, because it didn't come only from Wufei but also from his own mind. He didn't understand. What was wrong? Why had Wufei stopped holding Trowa if it made them feel so good? It had made him feel good too to see them together…
A bright flash suddenly exploded in his eyes as countless images of himself and Trowa went through his mind, and he understood what was going on.
/we did not tell him… no… I did not tell him… he/
/confusion anger fear love/
/no, don't feel that way, it hurts/
Quatre caught his head, wincing a bit. He clearly did not remember a good deal of what had happened recently. Sally had told him that it was March 7th of AC 197. He had absolutely no idea of how he had arrived there, and his past memories seemed a bit confused, because he hadn't felt anything wrong when he had seen that scene on waking up. It had made him feel good, relaxed even. But he had talked about that with Trowa, hadn't he? Or had it been just another illusion sent by that goddamn awful voice…
/no it wasn't. you talked to trowa/
/oh. good. I…/
/relief love grief guilt care love/
The flood of sudden emotions coming from Trowa washed the little saner voice away, and before Quatre knew it he was suddenly in Trowa's arms.
"Quatre? Are you… really back?"
And suddenly, it didn't really matter what had happened. Quatre was home again, held tight by those arms, breathing in that scent, hearing that voice, and feeling that tendril of soul that was only Trowa.
"Trowa…"
"God, I missed you!"
Quatre smiled and tears formed in his eyes in spite of himself. He knew he always cried like a baby when he was overwhelmed, but he was far too tired to care right now. He just snuggled closer to that familiar warmth.
"Trowa… I… it feels like I've been away for so long… I just…"
"Shh, it's okay, don't worry, everything is going to be alright now, you're safe…" Trowa said in a rushed whisper.
Quatre smiled again between his tears.
"I know," he answered softly.
He jumped when a sound suddenly reminded him of the other presence in the room. Wufei had gotten up and was going to the door, his face carefully expressionless and his feelings under such a tight control that even Quatre would have been hard-pressed to feel anything. But that control in itself felt forced and painful both to Quatre and to Wufei.
"I'm going to warn Sally and Iria," the Chinese said as he turned to leave.
"Wufei…"
Apparently, Wufei hadn't expected to hear Quatre calling him back because he stopped dead and didn't turn around, but tensed a bit. Quatre frowned, assaulted by the mixed things he was getting from his friend, too tired to untangle them right now.
"Wufei, come here, please," he said.
Wufei slowly turned around, and took a step in the bed direction, looking down.
"Closer. Come closer," Quatre insisted, and his tone carried that authority that could make the Maguanacs follow him anywhere. Wufei wasn't a Maguanac, but he was in love with Quatre, and this voice had always held a power over him, no matter how much he would have liked to deny it. So he came closer, but still didn't look up. He jumped when a small, callused hand suddenly touched his chest, palm widespread where his heart was and almost burning him through his tank top. He felt his heartbeat accelerating, and this time, he knew that no kind of calming techniques could make it go back down.
"Thank you."
Well this time, Wufei did look up. That wasn't really what he had expected, again. Quatre had just woken up to find him hugging his lover, and the only thing he had to say was 'Thank you'?
'I have officially entered what Maxwell calls the Twilight Zone, I think,' he thought sarcastically.
None of Trowa or Quatre's reactions were what he expected, and he didn't know yet if he should be happy or disappointed about it. It had the certain disadvantage of keeping him emotionally unbalanced. But what was more disturbing right now was that he wasn't sure he really cared about that, and that he was relieved that Quatre did not seem to be angry.
"What for?" he asked very carefully.
Quatre took a deep breath, eyes still shimmering with tears and hand still on Wufei's heart.
"For letting me rest… here," he answered, with a small pressure on Wufei's chest. "For giving me some quiet and peace. Thank you."
"You're welcome," Wufei answered in a slightly choked voice.
Then he got up a bit quickly and turned to the door again.
"I have to get Sally."
"Wufei…" Trowa started as the door hissed open, but Quatre stopped him.
"Leave him be. He needs… space."
Trowa looked down at Quatre, then kissed the top of the blond head, hugging his lover close again.
"Yes… you're probably right as usual."
Sally didn't comment on Wufei's absentminded account of what had happened, nor did she tell him that he didn't look well or anything, and Wufei was grateful for it. She just looked at him for a long time, then smiled, patted his arm and said it was going to be alright, and for him not to be too hard on himself again. He didn't answer, just followed her as she went to fetch Iria and then went back to the room.
He waited outside while she told Trowa to go out during the examination. When Trowa joined him in the corridor, he was ready to go, but something stopped him. Not just his own pride, which was beginning to remind him that a true warrior doesn't run when face to face with danger, but also a light in Trowa's eyes.
"Thank you, Wufei."
Wufei averted his eyes, annoyed when a lock of his dark hair fell into his face. He had forgotten to tie them back again, but managed not to start fidgeting with the escaped wisp like Maxwell did with his braid when he was nervous.
"I didn't do anything," he grumbled.
"That's not what he thinks, and that's not what I think either, but… thank you… for not leaving and for not freaking out."
"I told you I would not leave. I'm not sure about the 'not freaking out' part yet."
"I'm sorry, I just…"
"It's okay. You just got him back. You two should talk things out first."
"We already did."
"Not everything. And…"
"You need space. I know. I'm not pushing. Could you go warn Heero and Duo?"
Wufei exhaled a sigh of relief, grateful that Trowa had somehow given him a way of escape that wasn't really one, but that would help him get away from here. And in the same time, Wufei felt angry at himself, both because some part of him really did not want to leave, and because he should not have been relieved to go away for a while. But seeing Quatre and Trowa there together had somehow reawakened the memories of the end of the war, when all he could do was watch from afar and wish for their happiness, a happiness he was sure he would never have.
"I'll go," he said, and left before Trowa could add anything.
Quatre went from one hug to another when his sister came into the room.
"Iria!"
"Oh God, Quatre! I'm… I'm so glad you're finally awake! How are you feeling, sweetie?"
Quatre winced.
"Not sure," he answered carefully. "My head hurts, and my belly too and… and I'm not sure at all what actually happened this last month."
"How bad is your headache?" Sally asked, examining the monitor, then beginning to take the electrodes off Quatre's forehead and temples.
"Bearable."
"I hope it's the truth and not some 'I'm gonna show you I'm tough' bullshit 'cause I don't wanna give you any painkillers right now. It would be bad after the time you just spent under sedation."
"Sedation?" Quatre asked with a frown.
"We had to sedate you when we found you because you freaked out a bit, honey," Iria said reassuringly. "And then to transfer you back here, and we kept you under a bit more."
"Transfer… Yes, I… I was not here before right? I just can't seem to remember… there was a white room… it was monitored, I remember, and they thought I couldn't see it wasn't a real mirror, but I could tell they were watching me through it…"
"Honey, are you still here with us?" Iria asked worriedly as her brother's eyes lost some focus and his voiced trailed away.
"Huh? Oh, sorry!" Quatre answered as he snapped back into reality.
"That's quite alright, sweetie," Iria said. "It's even a good sign that you remember bits of it already. It means your memories may take a lot less time than I thought to come back."
"Oh, that's good then… but… is everyone else okay?"
Iria couldn't help laughing, and she hugged her little brother again.
"Oh, now I know for sure that you are back, always worrying about other people and never taking care of yourself first. Everyone else is fine."
She smiled, but her eyes misted with tears at the same time.
"God, I'm so sorry, Cat. I wish I had understood sooner that something was wrong. If only…"
"You found me," Quatre whispered. "It's all that matters."
Sally tsked, and Iria looked at her, then at the light wince Quatre was sporting. She hit herself on the head with her open hand.
"I'm sorry, Quatre I should know better than stop shielding when I know you cannot. It won't happen again."
"I can…"
"No, you can't. Your shields are destroyed, and it will take you time to rebuild them, but we can talk about that later. First, we are going to check that you are as fine as can be expected. Then, you're going to see your friends, and then we're going to decide what is to be done next. What do you say?"
"I say," Sally cut in, "that I'm gonna do that exam quickly before my head splits in two because of that damned machinery. I will have to take some pills with me next time to be sure I can stay in the room long enough for briefings."
"I stink," Quatre suddenly remarked, grimacing. "And I'm hungry," he added as an afterthought.
"It's a good sign, but no solid food for you yet, I'm afraid. Your belly muscles took some trauma when you first woke up. I'll see about getting you some light broth in a while," Sally said. "And…"
She looked at Iria, who nodded.
"We will have to warn Dr. Carter too," the blond woman agreed to the unspoken question.
"I… I know that name," Quatre said hesitantly. "Is he…"
"He's the one who took care of you those last weeks and he's here with us", Iria explained. "We're hoping that with his help, you can find again what happened to you. Now how about we add a shower stop to the program and we see about feeding you, then putting you up to date with what we know?"
Quatre nodded and smiled to his sister.
"It's good to be home," he simply said.