Chapter 11
So… FINAL CHAPTER is up and it will be LONGER TOO! Yes, well it was wonderful writing this, now I feel really moved to the core and I'll probably cry… :)))
Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia (btw, I should have put this disclaimer from the first chapter, but I forgot...)
Warning: there will be some extreme drama in this chapter… aside from the usual crack, so consider yourselves warned!
The vampire strolled back into the Laboratory and sat as his desk, flashing a fangy mischievous smile that only seemed to grow wider and wider. He took a deep breath and fumbled with his papers, yet he still could not help the corners of his mouth being tugged upwards in that cheeky grin.
"Did you find the troll? What the hell is he up to now?" Lukas asked a bit puzzled. The transformation spell had eventually worn out and, brusquely returning to his human form, he had dropped from his desk onto the floor scattering all his papers and smashing his ink bottle.
Dragos leaned forward on his elbows and bit his lower lip before carelessly waving his hand. "Oh fuck the troll! I kissed Elizabeta, at last!" he said happily. "We made out like… for five minutes!"
Just when the other blonde was about to say something in reply, some loud shouting and screaming broke out somewhere on the floors below. And one of the voices was unmistakably Arthur's. The Romanian's demeanor darkened almost instantly.
"Aghhhhhhhh! Not now, not now, not now, please not now…." he muttered, burying his face in his palms.
It wasn't long before the door was slammed open and Alfred's massive frame appeared in the doorway, and he threw a quick glance around the room, eventually spotting Arthur's two assistants. The Norwegian tried to maintain his usual oh-so-infallible poker face but was failing miserably and his face was white as a sheet, while the Romanian still kept his face hidden in his hands.
"You!" Alfred addressed the vampire, who had eventually bothered to look up, and made a calling gesture with two fingers. As soon as the assistant complied, the American's fingers closed around the back of his neck, squeezing hard.
"Ow, ow, ow!" Dragos hissed in pain. "Master, please, what did I do…?"
"Oh, you'll find out soon enough!" came the reply, accompanied by a devious grin. "You too, Bondevik!"
-x-
"Uh-oh! Fucking hell… this is bad" the vampire whispered as Alfred ushered them both rather forcefully into the Great Hall, where Arthur was sat in his large official chair, surrounded by all the servants.
"L-last time he had everyone gathered like this… he s-sentenced your cousin to be cooked in the stew…" Lukas recalled in horror.
The Romanian took a deep breath. "Just deny everything, okay? And don't go begging for mercy, it will plainly spell guilty. We need to display the fearlessness of the innocent!" he advised. Oh my God, we are SO screwed…
Sighing, Arthur solemnly stood up from his chair and began pacing back and forth as he began to speak. "My beloved subjects… as you may have noticed or heard, funny things have been happening lately in our peaceful home… "The wizard paused briefly to assess the effect of his words and seemed pleased when many servants nodded, looking concerned.
"Where to start? Well, at first, one of our cleaning ladies fell prey to peculiar symptoms which were eventually proven to have been caused by a love potion… And somehow, in mysterious ways, said love potion also made its way into my food… Then, a hellish creature, a horrible troll showed up apparently 'from nowhere'" the Englishman continued, emphasizing the quotation marks "and stroke terror into us with his evil deeds. And on top of everything, my poor brother Alfred has suffered a misfortune of his own, that left him scarred and confused…"
"What? Iggy, what are you talking about?" the American asked puzzled, but the wizard cut him off with a firm gesture.
"Well, that pretty much sums up what you all know already… however what you don't know is that my two lovely assistants here present are directly responsible for all these dreadful events. So let's hear what they have to say for themselves"
A murmur crossed the room and Elizabeta shot Dragos an ominous glare. But no one said anything.
"Well, seeing as no one cares to share anything with us, let's present the evidence, shall we?" the wizard suggested, making a motioning gesture. The previously mentioned cleaning lady stepped forward and, as if on cue, began to whine.
"Oh Master, it was dreadful, to experience such torment, what with my age and all… And never, I swear, never have I harbored such improper thoughts… about him!" she said, pointing a scrawny finger in the Norwegian's direction.
"Eww, it was her you used the potion on? Ahahahahaha dude that's totally lame!" Alfred exclaimed, before his brother's glare made him shut up.
Lukas cleared his throat, doing his best to conceal his increasing nervousness. "T-that's an absurd accusation! Honestly, why would I do such a thing, and with that old hag?!" The cleaning lady turned purple at the insult and clutched her broomstick menacingly.
"You will watch your mouth!" Arthur jumped angrily, then took a deep breath before he went on "Hmmm.. is it not a strange coincidence how my magic supplies cupboard which I always keep carefully locked was recently ransacked by a mysterious and malevolent hand, while in the same time there is a rumor that you use that hairpin of yours slash lock picking device to stick your nose where you definitely aren't supposed to?"
"Uh…"
"And did I not catch you creeping into my bedroom in the middle of the night for questionable purposes?" the Englishman continued to question.
"Um… Iggy… maybe we should not discuss this stuff… you know… in public?" Alfred suggested.
"But why? I keep no secrets from my servants, I think they should all know what the hell is going on around here, and see once and for all who is the villain!" the wizard declared. "And for your information, Alfie, I haven't even started!" he added in a lower voice. The American mouthed a silent what, looking suddenly worried.
"Oh and last but not least" Arthur resumed his speech "guess what country trolls originate from? Starts with N but it's not Nowhere!"
At this point Lukas was already down on his knees, a shaking and sobbing mess, begging for forgiveness. The Englishman sighed. "So, this is what I get for being gentle and never having punished you… Unlike you!" he said suddenly pointing at the vampire "Whom I have punished repeatedly, but with little to no results WHATSOEVER!"
"But…what did I do?" the Romanian asked in a low voice, feeling uncomfortable as everyone's focus had suddenly shifted onto him.
Arthur shot him a deadly glare. "What, aside from covering for his crap? Oh, let's see, maybe you have coaxed my brother into having an affair with you so that you could feast on his blood!" he yelled.
Everyone gasped, in shock.
Oh… SHIT! Dragos thought, but somehow managed to maintain his composure. "That's not true" he replied sternly, crossing his arms. He'd never felt more grateful for the fact that due to his nature he couldn't have blushed even if he had wanted to.
"Y-yeah Iggy, that's ridiculous… How did you get s-such an idea?" the American cut in, which only made it worse, as his brother produced a pink sheet of paper from his pocket and unfolded it, clearing his throat.
"Guess what, you left this little draft on the breakfast table this morning, you absolute twat! Listen to this:
My little Dracula,
I woke up this morning to your scent still lingering on my bed sheets, and needless to say that got me pretty *censored* so I had to *censored*several times…"
The vampire slapped a hand against his face, fingers pressing his forehead, and he let out a groan, squeezing his eyes shut.
"How could I focus on my videogames now when all I can think of is how I *censored*,*censored* and *censored* you, just before I – it's impaled not impilled you bloody idiot! - you and *censored* you into the bed senseless? Not to mention that the feeling of your mouth on my neck and of my *censored* against your hot *censored* makes me *censored* almost instantly… So it would be so freaking awesome if I 'accidentally' caught you alone tonight again…
Love
Alfred"
A deadly silence fell over the Great Hall as no one even dared to move, until the American eventually stood up from where he had been hiding crouched behind Arthur's chair, red as a tomato. "The… that's… Iggy, you got it all wrong!" he suddenly said, much to everyone's surprise, and the Romanian finally dared to look up, only to have his hopes brutally crushed a second later. "God, you made it all sound so… so bad… This is not an affair! It's-it's serious and we're having a relationship!"
"We're NOT having a relationship!" Dragos shouted, unable to refrain himself anymore. "You beat me and forced me to… But we're SO NOT having an affair and as sure as hell we are NOT having a relationship!"
"Er… don't mind him..." Alfred said, waving his hand in a dismissal manner. "It's normal to react like this, after all I was his first-"
"Why THE FUCK do you keep saying that?"
"Do you really want me to answer that?" The Romanian bit his lip but said nothing. "Didn't think so… But like I said, he's just nervous and all, but we're definitely an item!" the American declared proudly, flashing a million dollar smile.
However, Arthur's eyes widened and he looked like he was about to explode. "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY, YOU BLOODY IDIOT?" But unfortunately for him, he'd caught his brother in confrontational mode, as Alfred wasn't going to overlook the public embarrassment Arthur had just subjected him to.
"You're just jealous Iggy, but it's really no one's fault that you couldn't get laid if your life depended on it!"
"HOW DARE YOU-" the Englishman jumped, but was interrupted when loud singing resounded outside the Great Hall.
OH I…OH I… I'M STILL ALIVE
OH I…OH I… I'M STILL ALIVE
The large double doors were slammed open and Gorgog the troll burst in. Now he was absolutely huge and comfortably seated on his shoulders was none other than Feliciano Vargas, singing Alive by Pearl Jam at the top of his lungs. And a bit false. Everyone froze in horror.
"OMG, OMG what the fuck dude, it's the ghost of Italy! Save me Iggy, save meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Alfred screamed, scared shitless.
"It's not the ghost of Italy, you IDIOT!" the wizard yelled. "IT IS bloody Italy, how the fuck did he escape us!?"
The Italian finally stopped singing and his slender finger shot mercilessly in Arthur's direction. "Veh, prepare to get your ass kicked by my giant evil magic fluffy plushie, you stupid Englishman!" he shouted.
"See? I told you that all the troll ever wanted was to be loved" Lukas pointed to the vampire, who watched dumbstruck as said troll punched the wizard full in the face, rendering him unconscious in no time.
And so, the evil wizard Arthur Kirkland and his equally evil brother Alfred were defeated by Italy and his giant evil magic fluffy (troll) plushie, and subsequently placed under international custody and locked away in some dreadful place where they would never get out from…
-x-
And now for some heartfelt Latin family atmosphere…
On his way home from the misty England, Romania stopped by his favorite cousins' house to drop Feliciano and his precious (troll) plushie, from which he was now inseparable… Whatever…
He rang the doorbell – since Feliciano had lost/given to Ludwig/never had in the first place the key – and involuntarily stepped back as he was greeted by very loud – but not unexpected – shouting.
"What the hell are you doing here, you fangy bastard?" Romano questioned abruptly. "What do you want from me?"
"You can relax, this is not a courtesy visit, you tomato fucker" the vampire replied dryly." Aren't you missing something?"
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean, am I missing something?" growled Romano, clenching his fists. "Are you trying to play smartass with me? I'm older than you, have some fucking respect if you don't want me to kick your ass!"
The Romanian sighed. "Let me give you a clue… starts with F, nine letters"
The southern Italian quickly counted on his fingers with his back turned. "Starts with F, only four letters and I've got plenty!" he eventually yelled, turning. "So FUCK you too, bastard! Where the fuck did you learn these retarded jokes from anyway, Russia?"
Dragos shook his head and moved aside to reveal Feliciano, who was currently cradled lovingly in the troll's arms.
"Hello fratello! Meet my giant evil magic fluffy plushieeee! We're in love, veh!"
Romano was in shock for about two seconds, before he suddenly pulled out his phone, snapped a picture and then feebly dialed a number.
"Ja? Vat do you vant?" a voice was heard at the other end of the line.
"Check out that picture I just sent you, fucking potato loving bastard! My brother dumped you for a huge ugly stinking troll, what does that tell you, ha? You totally had it coming, you stupid fuck!"
"But… fratello… how can you call my plushie a troll?" Feliciano cut in, sounding offended.
"Because he IS a troll, not a plushie, you brain-fucked idiot!"
Sensing a strong headache coming his way slowly but surely, their Romanian relative discreetly crept away from the door, leaving them in the middle of a heated argument.
THE END
PHEW!
DONE!
PS: If you have any particular/unusual crack request, leave a message and maybe I'll consider it (but only if it's really really screwed :)) Bye!