A/N: Before you start reading, this stuff is going to get really depressing, and just really not Arizona as a person. But I feel like since she's depressed, I should at least try to explore all kinds of angles with her. I'd love my favorite character to keep being that happy, perky person she is, but we all know that people aren't always like that. So...yeah. Be warned.
As Arizona lay back down, she heard the door slam shut. She almost flinched at the sound before she remembered that she really didn't care that Callie was angry.
God. What right did Callie have to be angry? She wasn't on that plane. She wasn't there when Mark was dying in her lap. She wasn't even aware that Arizona and their friends had been in a plane crash. Instead, she'd been happy and healthy, giving advice to and terrorizing the residents until Hunt realized they were missing. It was Arizona who had the right to be angry. She'd been in a plane crash, for crying out loud. And speaking of freak accidents, why her? It was a horrible thought, she knew, but why not somebody else? What did she, Arizona Robbins, a happy person, a person who saved babies, for Pete's sake, do to deserve the heartbreak she'd been through in the past two years? First there was the shooting, where a man with a gun came in asking for bandages. And Callie had so bravely given him what he wanted, and had then boldly told him to leave them. Then came the car crash, when Callie was put through that windshield while still pregnant with baby Sofia, right on the heels of their baby shower. And now this. Maybe it has something to do with Callie, Arizona thought, unable to stop brooding. I was perfectly fine before I moved here and got involved with her. After we were together, that's when all the seriously messed up crap started happening. Arizona tried to shake off the thoughts, tried to stop blaming Callie, but her brain wouldn't stop. I asked her to marry me, and she flew through a windshield. We had a baby, which wasn't so bad. Then, Nick shows up with cancer, and then he dies. Now, a plane crash. And Callie is the one who took my leg. Slow tears began to leak out of Arizona's clear blue eyes, marking a trail down her face, one that had been marked countless times over the past thirty days. Arizona vaguely registered the front door opening and closing, and she wondered who it was before, once again, remembering that she didn't care. Come on, Arizona, face it. Take off those rose colored glasses and look at the common denominator in all of this. Callie. You and Callie were fighting, and then a gunman showed up. You moved to Africa, and Callie wound up pregnant. You came back, asked her to marry you, and then Callie flew through a windshield. Then, Callie can't save Nick, and he died. It all comes down to Callie. Arizona shook her head, wishing to dislodge the thoughts.
She heard the front door close gently once more, and then soft cooing. Callie must be talking to Sofia, Arizona thought listlessly. She wanted so desperately to hold her baby girl, to be able to comfort her, but not the way she was. Not crippled, unable to provide for herself, unable to do simple things like get up and walk around. It was pathetic, and the one thing Arizona didn't want Sofia to see her Mama as was pathetic. Never mind that she was a baby who didn't even know what pathetic meant. It was the principal of the thing. Callie had brought Sofia in a few times to try to get a response from Arizona, and each time, Arizona had been thinking only of how her leg was gone forever, and how she couldn't let her baby see her like this. Eventually, Callie had gotten angry at her, putting the baby down and demanding a response. Arizona didn't even glance up, instead opting to turn her back to Callie, a clear signal that she wanted to be left alone. And so it went for thirty days, with Callie bringing her food on a tray, leaving water throughout the day, providing whatever support Arizona needed. The one thing Arizona had refused to tolerate, though, was being helped to the bathroom. That, she did on her own. Several times a day, she painfully, excruciatingly hobbled on one foot to the bathroom, balancing herself and grimacing against the wall. She refused to be lowered to the point where she needed a babysitter to go pee. Callie came and went, and looked at Arizona with only sad eyes. It had been more than a month since Callie had looked at her like she used to. Not only as an equal, but with a reverence that Arizona had happily returned. But now, whenever she felt Callie look at her, she knew it was a look filled with sadness, of anger, of grief, and it was Arizona's fault. She was useless now, and the feeling that her wife was to blame was eating her alive.
Arizona didn't react as the door opened again, gently this time. She heard Callie's soft footsteps, but didn't react. "Hey." Callie spoke quietly, as if Arizona would explode again if she was too loud. Arizona didn't respond. Her brain was still running through those thoughts, the thoughts that blamed Callie for her accident, for all her accidents, really. Callie kept talking though, as if Arizona had actually turned around. "I'm…I don't know, Arizona. If I hadn't done what I did, when I had, I would have lost you. When I was in that operating room, all I could think of was that I'd promised I wouldn't let anyone take your leg away. But then I thought, 'She's going to die if I don't do this. I can't lose her.' The whole time I was in there, taking off your leg, I was…I was afraid. I kept on praying that you wouldn't hate me, that even if you did, having you hate me alive was better than having you love me dead. But now, I've lost you, and you hate me. I've lost you, and Sofia's lost you. All you do is sit in here. She misses her Mama, Arizona. I'm not sorry for what I did, Arizona. Don't ever ask me to be sorry for what I did. I'm sorry that I lost your trust when I did it. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry for everything that you've been through these past few years with me. I'm just so…sorry. But I'm not sorry for what I did. I can't be. Because if I am, that means I'm sorry for saving your life. And I can't ever be sorry for that, because you are my life. If I'd let you die, I would have died too. And I couldn't do that to our baby girl, because Mark was dying. Please, just…I'm sorry that you're hurting. And I know that I can't make it better. But please, please don't lay here anymore, Arizona. Please."
At the end of Callie's speech, Arizona turned around. She saw Callie sitting on the edge of the bed, perched like a bird ready to take flight at a moment's notice. Her eyes hardened. "How are you not sorry? How can you not be sorry for ruining my life? You cut off my leg! I would have been better off dead, Calliope. And if you knew me at all, you would've known that. But instead, I'm stuck here. I'm crippled and I'm alone. And don't say that you're here for me too, because you may think you are, but you aren't. Bringing me food and water and trying to make me play with Sofia isn't being here for me. It's trying to make me be here for you. So please, save me the speech about how hard this is for you, and how you're sorry about everything except for the one thing you should be sorry for." Callie looked taken aback. She started to speak, but Arizona cut her off. "No! Don't even try to justify yourself to me, Calliope. I get that your best friend died, but what you don't understand is that my best friend died too. Nick is dead, or dying, or whatever, and now I don't have a leg. So don't try to understand what I'm going through. Don't come in here and apologize for something that now both of us know you're not sorry for. Don't come in here and lie to me!" With that, Arizona turned her back to Callie once more, and refused to look back. In fact, she didn't make a sound until she felt Callie's weight lift off the bed and heard the door close behind her. Then, and only then, did Arizona begin to cry. She let the sobs fill her body, felt them tumble from her lips, let them fall unabashed from her eyes. Why me? She thought, a question with as many answers as it did meanings.
A/N: It's a little bit more dense than the last one, since I feel like there's so much more to explore with Arizona and what she's feeling. Please R/R, and i'm sorry if you feel sad after this chapter. I felt sad just writing it.