Once the sound of the elevator descending had faded and nothing was left of Kaidan's presence but his scent on her sheets, Shepard began to try and figure out what to do next. It was fairly obvious that she wouldn't be sleeping. She hadn't slept at all since returning from the battle on Rannoch. Her nagging guilt and the ever-present fear of the future had kept her awake, long after Kaidan had fallen into blissful unconsciousness.

Garrus would be crushed.

She knew that. But she needed him so badly, in that moment. She needed his steadfast confidence in her. She needed the rumble of his voice, and the sturdiness of his plated shoulders to lean on.

Frustrated by her weakness, she wiped the tears roughly from her cheeks and glared sternly at her reflection in the glass. Once the argument with Kaidan had begun, she had stared into her own ghostly face, watching her strength fail her with every tear that fell. What a stupid reason to cry, when the entire galaxy was slowly being eradicated by sentient machines.

But now that she had started, it didn't seem that the tears had an end. It was as if the confrontation with Kaidan had made a crack in the dam, and now the built up hardships of the last few years were beginning to flood her mind. She felt a darkness yawning open within her, bearing sharp, pointed teeth of despair that threatened to masticate her self-confidence and swallow her whole.

Mildly panicked by the force of her emotions, she went to her dresser and once again began a ferocious hunt for appropriate clothing. At first, she wasn't really sure what her plan was. She knew, somewhere in the logical half of her mind, that she was hysterical. She knew that she needed a hot shower, a cup of something warm and possibly alcoholic, and a good night's sleep.

But the tides were swelling and she feared drowning.

Laughing, crying, sniffling, she pulled on her N7 sweats, and drew the hood down, deep over her face. For a minute, she sat on the edge of her bed with her hands in her sleeves, just like she used to do when she was a child. She sniffled, wiped her face on her sweatshirt, and tried to calm down.

By the clock beside her bed, it was very late. Most of the crew would be resting, although time was a little more fluid aboard a spacefaring vessel. People slept and ate and worked in shifts, often sharing racks to save space. There was never a time when the ship was completely deserted.

Well, there was. Once.

Shepard pulled the edges of her hood down and buried her face in her knees. She screamed. She screamed and screamed and screamed, feeling sorry for every dead soul that had waited patiently for her to save them. She screamed for the millions dying every day. She felt her teeth in her kneecap and laughed madly at her own despair.

She only stopped when she heard a tentative knock on her cabin door.

Confused, she stared stupidly at the door from under a curtain of mussy hair. Had she imagined it? She certainly hadn't heard the elevator. What if it was Kaidan?

God, she hoped it wasn't Kaidan.

"...Shepard?"

Even though the voice was muffled and indistinct, she knew immediately who it was. Simultaneous, conflicting emotions raged through her mind until she felt she might have gone permanently insane.

This is it, she thought, I've finally cracked under all the pressure.

But sanity is harder to relinquish than one would think, and she found herself quickly straightening her appearance: brushing back the tangles of unruly blonde hair, scrubbing the mucus and tears from her cheeks, and smoothing the rumples in her clothes. She quickly threw her sheet over her bed and, in a moment of pure panic, sprayed perfume in the air to diminish the stench of sex and misery.

She took a moment to observe her haphazard handiwork.

What have I done? She thought miserably.

The door opened with a soft sigh at her touch.

"Garrus," she said softly, "What are you doing here?"

She knew by the look on his face that he was wildly concerned. By the telltale shiver in his mandibles, she guessed it was taking everything he had not to rush forward and embrace her. He respected her too much to force his affections on her. He always had.

"EDI said that I might need to come check on you," he said uncertainly.

Shepard made a mental note to chastise the AI for eavesdropping and to thank her, thank her, thank her...

"I did something awful," she said, and then dropped her eyes, covering her traitorous mouth with her sleeve.

She heard him sigh, and the soft click of his armor as he leaned against the doorway.

"I'm going to go ahead and guess that it has something to do with Kaidan disappearing up to your quarters a few hours ago," he said ruefully.

Miserably, she nodded.

"Well, I don't know about you, but I think I could use a drink for this conversation. What do you say? Take over the rec room and lock the door?"

She looked up with hesitation and felt such tremendous relief at the small smile on his face, that she thought for certain that she would collapse. He seemed to sense this somehow, and ushered her out of her room with a reassuring hand against her lower back. His hands were so large, he could almost wrap them entirely around her waist.

"Remind me to kill EDI," she said.

"Commander," an electronic voice said softly, "I did not listen to anything in your room. My sensors detected your emotional distress from the elevator shaft."

"Oh. Good," Shepard responded weakly. "I'll take a very stiff drink, I think."

The elevator ride down to the Crew Deck felt painfully slow. They didn't speak, and she struggled desperately to think of what she was even supposed to say. The word "cheater" swirled in cycles through her mind and her guilt began to tilt in her stomach, making her queasy with shame. It occurred to her, suddenly, that Kaidan might have had the same idea that they had.

The elevator door swished open, and Garrus turned toward the Port Observatory, where the ship's bar was waiting.

"Garrus, wait-" she said, grabbing his arm. "EDI-"

"Kaidan is not in the Port Observatory, Commander," the AI answered helpfully.

Shepard heaved a heavy sigh of relief, and let go of the Turian's arm. He watched her a moment longer, his face impassive.

"You and I really need to talk, don't we?" he said quietly.

Wordlessly, nauseously, miserably, she nodded.

He was kind enough to wait until they were both settled on one of the couches, a pair of strong drinks in each of their hands, and a shot of brandy already settling in the Commander's stomach. Garrus had hidden away a few bottles of liquor that his body could actually process and he had poured himself a double as soon as the door was locked behind them. EDI assured them that they had their privacy before deactivating her sensors in that room.

The quiet descended, heavy and pregnant with unsaid words. Shepard could feel her voice sticking in her throat. For once in her life, she had no idea what to say.

"Mamihlapinatapei," she said quietly.

"Hm?" Garrus seemed startled by her voice, and turned to her with his glass halfway to his mouth.

"Mamihlapinatapei," she said again. His brow plate drew downward in confusion.

"Is my translator malfunctioning? Because as far as I know, that was gibberish," he said, smiling softly.

"It's an old word, from a culture on Earth that doesn't exist anymore. It means the look shared between two people who both desire to initiate something but are both reluctant to start."

She finished her drink, hoping to lubricate the words that just wouldn't come. A warm heat was already spreading to her limbs, making the sorrow a little easier to bear. Her anxiety about the conversation to come hadn't diminished, but it's edges were a little less abrasive in her stomach.

Garrus made a low sub-vocal rumble in his chest, an expression of deep thought.

"Well," he said finally, "Why don't you start by telling me what the hell happened up there?"

"Garrus, I-" she stopped, ran her hands over her face, "I screwed up."

"Ok..." he said slowly, "you know you're making it really hard for me to stay calm right now."

She met his eyes and felt the true pain of her betrayal cut through her. His face was so open, so honest, so full of love and respect. She hated the idea that in a few moments, she would take all of that away. He would hate her. He had to.

"Kaidan and I...I got out of the shower and he was there, and he was way out of line and I just...I don't know why I let it happen-"

"OK," he said loudly, putting his hands on her arms and forcing her to sit back down before her rambling turned into panic. "I think I get the idea. You were unfaithful."

Hearing him say it was worse than anything she could imagine. Watching him turn away from her, his chin on his fists, brow plate pulled low over his eyes, so much so that she couldn't even see the expression in them...she felt the deep burning fear of losing the one person in the galaxy that she truly trusted. She had betrayed him.

"I have nothing to say to defend myself," she whispered.

Garrus stood and went to the window. His arms crossed over his chest as he stared thoughtfully into the darkness. Shepard knew that she needed to give him time to think. She knew that anything else she said would just be another spade-full deeper into the hole she had dug around herself. But his silence was agonizing.

"Please say something," she said, at last.

"You and Kaidan," he said slowly, "you never really got to close the book."

He turned to look at her, and she could only stare back at him in confusion, waiting for him to elaborate. However, she realized he expected a reply.

"I thought the book was pretty closed when he told me off on Horizon," she said sourly.

"No," he replied, shaking his head, "Your death was hard on Kaidan. Seeing you alive, must have been even worse."

"Are you defending him?" she said suddenly, the heat returning to her voice.

He held up his hands placatingly, and shook his head.

"I can only imagine what he went through after losing you twice. But obviously there was something missing, or he wouldn't have hesitated to join you to stop the Collectors. I know I didn't."

"No, you didn't," she said softly. "You've never hesitated to trust me, and now look what I've done: I betrayed you. I've stabbed you in the back-"

She had to stop because the words had become soft and wet with tears in her mouth. She pulled her knees to her chest and buried her face into the soft crook of her elbow. When she felt his warmth beside her, pulling her toward him, she leaned into his embrace gratefully.

"You did, a little."

She looked up at him with narrowed eyes, disgruntled by his humor in a moment like this. He looked appropriately chastised.

"Ok, a lot," he said, and then smiled stiffly. "And I won't say that I'm not upset. I just...I don't see how that helps us right now."

Shepard growled with frustration and stood, pushing his hands off of her shoulders with vehemence. She could see the look of utter confusion on the Turian's face as she began to pace angrily in front of him.

"I really need you to be pissed at me right now, Garrus," she said fiercely.

"Why?" he asked, genuinely perplexed.

"Because I did something awful!"

He stood, grabbing her by the shoulders and forcing her to stop.

"What do you want me to do, Shepard? Yell at you? How is that going to make anything better?"

"I betrayed you!" she said loudly, "How can you be so goddamned understanding? Stop it!"

And she pushed him squarely in the chest.

Shepard wasn't weak by anyone's standards. Years of wearing heavy armor and carrying even heavier weapons had conditioned her body to deliver blows with devastating force. In her emotional state, she was cognizant enough not to use her full strength, but she pushed him hard enough that he stumbled into the bar and sent a shelf full of shot glasses shattering to the floor.

In the stunned silence that followed, Garrus only leaned against the countertop where he landed, glancing over his shoulder to make note of the damage. He turned back to Shepard, the look on his face so full of bewilderment, that she almost started to cry again.

"Shepard, I am really not-"

"Don't you dare!"

He stopped, mouth open, brow plate high on his face. He looked completely lost. Shepard felt a brief flicker of hatred. She hated herself for acting so irrational and she hated him for not understanding. Of everyone she had ever known, Garrus had always understood her. Now, he was looking at her like a complete stranger. It made her want to throw up, faint, break something; it made her want to surrender to the Reapers and die.

Suddenly, as if he had read her mind, his brow plate drew down low over his eyes. Shepard had a very brief moment to recognize Turian rage before she was knocked flat on her back with his shoulder in her solar plexus.

One large claw grabbed both of her wrists and pinned them painfully against the floor. Shepard gasped desperately for air, deliriously noting that one of the desks had been overturned, it's lamp shattered and gone dark. Garrus's weight settled on her chest, making it even harder to regain her breath. She felt the scrape of his mandibles against her cheek and his breath against her ear.

"I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you right now," he said, the human curse word sounding strange in his voice, "but I think I have a decent guess. I'm going to say this, and you're going to listen to me because as far as I'm concerned, I'm the only person in this galaxy that has any right to tell you when to go fuck yourself."

She growled underneath him, beginning to struggle now that her breath was returning to it's normal rhythm. Her mind had exploded into brilliant clarity the minute her back hit the floor. This was something she understood. The fight against the attacker, that was something she was comfortable with.

"Sit still," he growled and she felt it in her ribs. The deep vibration mingled with the adrenaline in her blood. Although she still felt the toxic mix of sorrow, rage and self-loathing in that moment, she couldn't help but feel like rolling him over, stripping off his armor and taking him, right then and there.

"I think you're upset right now, but I don't think it has as much to do with me or Kaidan as it has to do with you," he said.

The last word came out as a growl as he shoved her back down to the floor. She had tried to take advantage of his minor distraction and gain the upper hand, but unfortunately for her, Garrus was larger and stronger. He was also a familiar sparring partner. He knew her moves, and he knew her pressure points. One large claw dug into the space between the bones of her wrist and she cried out in genuine pain before going still.

Frustrated, she met the gaze she had been avoiding.

"I think you're pissed that you can't save everybody, and I think you're letting it eat you up inside. You think doing something stupid, like hurting the people you love and forcing them to hurt you, will atone for it somehow. But it won't Shepard. Whether you like it or not, I still believe in you."

She knew by the hard stare of his eyes that he was telling the absolute truth. He had always told her the absolute truth. His faith in her was more punishing than any rejection ever could have been. She felt the tears pushing their way to the corners of her eyes and spilling over her temples, even as her jaw set with rigid pride.

"Screw you," she said venomously.

"OK fine," he growled, "you want to play it this way, then that's how we'll play it, but for the record: I tried to be reasonable."

Shepard found herself dragged carelessly to her feet by her wrists. Despite her struggling, Shepard could not manage to free herself as he dragged her around the broken lamp and threw her roughly onto the couch.

She watched with narrowed eyes, rubbing the blossoming bruise on her forearm, as Garrus stood in front of her. His face was rigid and unreadable. She felt as if she could see the rage pouring off of him in waves. The light of the stars beyond glittered over the sharp edges of his fringe and the rounded plates of his armor. The silence between them thundered with the sound of blood in her ears. Although she knew Garrus well, she had never seen him this angry before. Everything about him that she knew and loved had disappeared into a stillness that seemed to echo with millions of years of predatory evolution. She was simultaneously terrified and excited, her guilt and self-loathing momentarily forgotten.

Angrily, he began to tear off his armor. His gauntlets went first, torn off venomously and tossed aside. Next, he unlatched his breastplate and let it hit the floor with a dull thud. All the while, his eyes never left hers. It was the most intimidating she had ever seen him. He stripped down to his thermal suit, all of his artificial protection removed.

When he came toward her, she was ready.

He grabbed her by the hair at the nape of her neck, dragging her off the couch into a fearsome kiss. She felt him bite down on her lower lip and she moaned, both pleasure and pain, as blood spilled onto her tongue.

In return, she swept his left leg, bringing them both crashing to the ground. Garrus easily countered, and rolled the pair of them until he had her pinned beneath him again. Shepard growled, a thin trail of blood tracing a path down her cheek to her ear. She felt his tongue lick it gently away and, in the back of her mind, knew that he would be sick by morning because of it.

The thought made her even angrier. How dare he sacrifice his health just to be with her? How dare this person, whom she loved and protected, use her own body to cause himself harm?

She hardly even felt the pain when she head butted him in the face.

Garrus fell back, not so much wounded as he was surprised. Shepard threw herself on top of him, pummeling his shoulders and forearms, raised upwards in self-defense, until she knew her knuckles would be black and bloody in the morning. He tolerated her abuse for a moment before grabbing both her wrists, successfully stopping the maelstrom of chaotic blows.

He planted his foot against her chest and tossed her easily over his head. Shepard landed on her back with a devastating thud, the air forced out of her once more and her skull reverberating with the impact. She groaned, dizzy and confused for just a moment, before scrambling back onto her feet.

Garrus was ready for her. He countered her right hook and grabbed her around the waist. He easily rolled her over his hip and threw her back to the ground.

Shepard leapt up again, hardly even phased. By now, adrenaline and liquor were numbing her senses until only the fire of her anger remained. She was nothing but confused, misguided hurt. She struck out again, and again he countered and threw her to the ground. Still, she was not phased. She found her feet again, stumbling ever so slightly as her head began to fuzz with the repeated impacts.

This time when she struck out, Garrus grabbed her arm and re-directed the force of her attack. She found herself spun around, her face pressed against the glass of the observatory window and her arm wrenched painfully behind her back.

Garrus pressed his body against her back, pulling her arm a little higher between her shoulder blades. Shepard growled as her shoulder twisted in its socket.

"Face it Shepard: I have the reach and it seems," he murmured, dragging her hand a little higher and drawing from her a genuine cry of pain, "that you've lost a little flexibility."

He kicked her feet apart, and she felt his hips press against her from behind.

"This is how they used to have us subdue scumbags, back in C-Sec. Is that what you want, Shepard? For me to subdue you, like a common criminal?"

She felt his claws grab the hood of her sweatshirt and spin her around. Although she hated the fact that she was being tossed around like a rag doll, she was relieved to have her arm back. She rubbed her shoulder bitterly, and glared up at him from under the mess that her hair had become.

"You're not even trying," he growled angrily.

When she moved, he wasn't ready. Garrus found himself tackled onto the couch, the Commander straddling his lap.

She kissed him, smearing blood onto his lips and tracking it down the side of his face, over his scars, under his chin, until she reached the soft, unprotected skin of his neck. She felt the rumble in his throat under her lips. He loved the feeling of her kiss against his bare skin. When she bit him, hard enough to make him hiss with pain, the rumble intensified.

"That's more like it," he murmured.

She bit him again, and he obediently shut up.

When he finally took her on the couch, neither of them was gentle. Her shoulders were criss-crossed with his teeth marks, her lips were swollen from his sharp kisses. The skin of his neck had turned a deep brown from the constant pressure of her teeth. His claws had left long red lines of scored flesh along her back and stomach. But despite her cuts and bruises, laying beside him on the floor, staring out into the unrelenting darkness of space, Shepard felt contented.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"Hm?" he murmured, and she could hear the weariness humming in his voice.

"Thank you for knowing what I needed," she said.

He turned to look at her and smiled a little ruefully.

"You're more Turian than you think," he said.

"Oh? So it's common for Turians to settle romantic disputes with domestic violence?"

He snorted, his eyes closed. "No, but I think we use sparring as a way to exercise our feelings a little more frequently than humans do."

They lay in silence for a while, the ship humming softly through space around them. Despite the aches of her body, Shepard wasn't ready to sleep yet.

"Do you forgive me?" She asked softly.

"You know I do," he responded neutrally.

She rolled over onto her side and looked down into his face. Sensing her gaze on him, Garrus opened an eye to return her scrutiny.

"I'm sorry," she said.

He brushed a strand of hair away from her face and sighed, mandibles flaring.

"Shepard, I know you. I know this isn't something you would turn into a habit. But for the record? Don't bring me and Kaidan on any missions together. The less I see of him, the better."

Shepard considered his words heavily. She knew by the look in his eyes that Garrus was serious. There was no way of knowing exactly what would happen between Kaidan and Garrus were they ever to be left alone together. She couldn't really believe that either of them were capable of petty violence, but the hearts of men were fickle and these days times were hard enough already.

"Deal," she said softly.

"Commander Shepard."

Shepard closed her eyes and sighed.

"What is it, EDI?"

"I thought you might like to know, Tali Zorah is headed toward the Port Observatory."

Garrus and Shepard both sat up in alarm. They looked at the destruction of the room around them, and then at each other. Garrus started laughing first.

"Quit laughing and help me clean up!" Shepard said sternly, but could not stop the smile that threatened to crack her composure.

As Garrus struggled to snap on the various pieces of his armor, and Shepard hurriedly pulled on her sweats, they could hear the muffled disagreement happening on the other side of the door.

"What do you mean 'maintenance'?" Tali sounded exhausted and irate. Shepard guessed that the Quarian had not slept yet. Most likely, she was still trying to absorb the massive events that had transpired on Rannoch. Add to that the raging infection she was probably battling from removing her mask on her home world, and Shepard knew they were dealing with a very irate Tali Zorah Vas Normandy.

"The rec room is currently inaccessible, Tali Zorah," EDI said politely.

God bless her, Shepard thought ruefully. She would really have to think of something nice to do for the ship's AI when she got the chance.

"Yes but why exactly? What needs maintenance in the rec room? I was just in engineering, there was no recorded maintenance scheduled for this area of the ship," she snapped.

"There is broken glass," EDI said uncertainly.

Shepard and Garrus both groaned.

"All right, who are you covering for?" The Quarian prodded ruthlessly.

At that moment, Shepard opened the door. She could see Tali's eyes widen behind her mask.

"Thank you EDI, I'll handle it from here," Shepard said gratefully.

"Yes, Commander."

Tali searched Shepard's face. She noted her cut and swollen lips, the bite marks across her neck and the swollen, bloody knuckles of her hands. She took in the physical damage to the Commander and then leaned around her to inspect the room beyond. Shepard could only imagine how it must have looked. Tali took in the broken glass, the crack in the bar, the broken lamp, and the Turian waving sheepishly at her from behind the Commander.

"Whatever happened, I don't want to know," she said, cutting the air with her hand.

"That," Shepard said, "is probably for the best."

"In fact," Tali said wearily, "I'm going to turn around now and go back to my rack and pretend that I didn't see anything."

As she watched her quarian friend turn back to the elevator and head back down to engineering, where she tended to sleep (though, Shepard couldn't fathom where), she felt Garrus's heavy hand on her shoulder.

"I think you and I should hit the rack as well," he said softly.

"What about this mess?" She said, gesturing behind her to the broken shot glasses behind the bar.

"I will handle it, Commander," EDI said, this time in person. She rounded the corner from the Med lad, where she had likely just activated her new body.

"Oh no, EDI," Shepard said guiltily, "It's very late and I think you've done enough to clean up my messes tonight."

"I do not require sleep, Commander," the AI responded. "And I do not mind helping my friends."

Shepard took a moment to note the oddity of hearing an AI refer to her as a 'friend'. However, if she thought about it hard enough, which she was much too tired to do, she had to remember that EDI was also courting her pilot. Being her 'friend' was hardly the most unusual thing that EDI had done.

"Come on, Commander," Garrus said lightly, and pushed her gently out the door. Shepard begrudgingly allowed herself to be prodded toward the elevator, yawning.

When they reached the elevator, Garrus stepped back, intending to stay on the Crew Deck where he usually slept. Shepard, however, would not allow it and pulled him onto the elevator with her. Smiling, he followed her up to her cabin.

Sleep found Garrus and the Commander quickly that night.