Chapter 4: Mum's the Word
She wasn't sure how long they'd been kissing. Five minutes…ten…longer? All she knew was that at some point they'd wound up in a very compromising position, lying on the sofa, impossibly close - a tangle of limbs. She felt like his hands were everywhere at once, and she was not complaining about it. She grabbed onto his shirt, pulling herself closer; she couldn't seem to get close enough. At some point this had gone from reasonably modest PG kissing to a full-blown make out session complete with ruffled hair and heavy breathing. She wondered to herself how far this was going to go. Freddie didn't seem to be slowing down and she couldn't think straight enough to make any rational decisions about anything.
She'd never done this with anyone else. She'd had kisses, some of them pretty steamy in fact, but always with her feet planted firmly on the ground - literally. She might have appeared "willing" to people looking at her from the outside but, in truth, the idea of getting this close to a guy, physically or emotionally, was terrifying to her. There were a lot of different ways these situations could turn out, and few of them were good. Her mom had never been the type to dole out advice but when it came to boys and sex, she had a lot to say; always reminding Sam of just how badly things could turn out if you went too far.
Once, when she'd been dating Jonah, she came home late after midnight bowling to find her mom waiting up for her on the couch. This was a rare occurrence, as her mother didn't ever seem to be very concerned with where Sam went and when she came home; if she came home at all. When Sam had attempted to tiptoe past her to go upstairs, her mom had sat up, and turned on the lights making Sam's attempt at evasion impossible.
"Where ya been?" she'd asked
"Since when do you care" Sam had replied, genuinely shocked at the question.
"Got yourself a little boyfriend, huh?" she'd asked, with a smirk on her face.
"What's it to you?" Sam asked. She knew how her mom felt about relationships; about the male species in general. Dirty, lying, cheating, leaving, no-good, can't be trusted, chumps. Her motto: Use 'em, then lose 'em. She'd heard this on more than one occasion. She wouldn't have understood that Jonah was different. "We're just friends, and we were just out bowling" she replied. It wasn't exactly a lie. They had gone bowling. She left out the part about how happy Jonah made her, and how lucky she felt that he wanted to be her boyfriend. She also left out the part where he'd pulled her into a secluded corner by the back door, pressed her against the wall and kissed her until she couldn't remember her name.
"A friend, huh? Well, that always how it starts. One day he's your friend and the next you're in a hospital room screamin' your head off while trying to squeeze something the size of a watermelon out of a hole the size of a lemon. Your dad and I were friends once too ya know." Her eyes got a faraway look that she quickly replaced with a smirk. "And you see how that turned out. Enjoy your little friend while you can" she said, turning off the lights, "but don't count on him sticking around"
Sam stood silently. Her mom didn't mention her dad often, and even though he'd been gone since Sam was five years old, it stung to hear him mentioned. That's why she didn't talk about him; because it was impossible to do without revealing that it still hurt, that is still mattered. It was impossible to do without looking weak; and Puckett's weren't weak.
Her mom walked past her toward the back of the house, pausing as she entered her bedroom.
"And if you get knocked up…you're on your own." she said, slamming the door behind her.
"Great talk mom… we should do it again soon!" she yelled after her mother, before running up the stairs to her room.
It had been almost unbearable when, two weeks later, she'd found out that Jonah had hit on Carly. Of course she never mentioned it to her mom, but it was still horrible to realize that she'd been right. Sam hadn't dated anyone since, unable to get her mother's voice out of her head.
Until now.
She could only imagine what her mom would have to say if she walked in on her and Freddie like this. Just the thought of it cleared her head enough to make her pull away from Freddie, who let out a groan of disappointment at the loss of contact.
"Is something wrong?" he half-whispered, propping himself up on an elbow; staring down at her.
As she opened her mouth to answer, Freddie's phone began to vibrate in his pocket. His eyes stayed on hers, waiting for an answer, as he reached into his pocket and silenced it with one hand. But whoever was calling was persistent and his phone rang again, and again… and again.
"Ugh" He cried out in frustration, sitting up to retrieve his phone from his pocket. His hormones were angry at the intrusion. Finally he and Sam and crossed the bridge from friends to… something much nicer and at this moment all he wanted was to be with her. He knew that at some point, they'd have to confront reality, but that could come later. Right now he wanted to exist in a world that was just the two of them.
He let out a frustrated groan, looking at his phone's screen. Sam rested her chin on his shoulder to see who was calling.
Carly.
"Back to the real world" He said, reluctantly. "I guess we can't just stay holed up in your house making out forever." 'As much as I'd like to' he thought.
Sam sighed, falling back against the sofa cushions, adjusting her shirt and running a hand through her messy curls.
"I really wish that this day could go on forever. But I think there's a lot we need to talk about." He said, turning to her.
She knew he was right. At the very least they should stop with the lip locks before it went further than they were prepared for. But talking wasn't the alternative she wanted. This afternoon had been a haze; an unexpected whirlwind of feelings – most of them wonderful. But if they started talking then it got real. Tucked away here, alone, in her house, she could pretend that the rest of the world didn't exist. She didn't have to worry about what people would say, or how awful it would feel if this whole thing went sour and blew up in their faces.
"Princess? Are you with me" Freddie asked, raising her chin with his hand so that she couldn't avoid his eyes.
Sam smiled and leaned forward into him, slipping her arms around his waist as she traced kisses along his jaw. Princess. He'd never called her just Princess before. It made her feel…safe.
"It's really hard to think, when you do that" Freddie breathed. Sam continued her path, moving toward his earlobe. 'Calculus…RF coaxial Ethernet cable…Gibby… without his shirt' he tried to think of anything that would take his mind off what she was doing to him. She laughed softly into his ear.
"Gibby without a shirt? Really Benson? Momma's doing this for you and you're thinking about Gibby?"
Holy Chizz! Had he said that out loud? He knew they had to talk seriously, before they saw Carly. And there was no way he was going to be able to put together a coherent thought, let alone a plan if they kept doing this. He pulled back slowly, and reluctantly; turning toward Sam – who sat back with her arms folded across her chest.
"Alright Fredduccini…talk." she started
"Sam! I figured that now, after… well...this," he gestured between them, "that we'd move past the rude names."
"What? I wasn't being rude! I happen to really like fettuccini! It's my favorite pasta." She sat back, crossing her arms. "Besides," she pouted, "Paris wasn't built in a day."
"You mean Rome" he laughed.
"Paris, Rome… whatevs. I've been inventing names for you for years, you can't expect it to go away overnight. It's like a reflex. And…it means I'm thinking about you." She said finally, embarrassed to be revealing this to him. Other people had pet names, but the names she called Freddie meant just as much to her. It was something that no one else had for him, something only they shared.
Freddie chuckled. Okay, she'd won that round. He had a feeling that would be the case more often than not. Sam Puckett was not accustomed to losing.
"Seriously, Sam, we really need to discuss things…this…us," he reached for her hand and felt her tense. It was amazing that she could lie on this couch and let him touch her in ways he'd never touched any girl. They were hot and bothered and she had no problem with it. But as soon as he approached her softly, gently, she was immediately nervous …and afraid.
He traced tiny circles on the back of her hand, trying to comfort her.
"What's to talk about?" Sam said, avoiding his eyes, "You like me, and for some crazy reason I like you too. That's it… there's nothing else to talk about." She said firmly.
"Of course we have things to talk about Sam! Like … what does this mean? What are we doing? What do we want this to become?" His phone began ringing again and he extended it to Sam, "And this!" he said, showing her the log of missed calls and texts on his phone. "When are we going to tell Carly…and my mom? We need a plan." He let go of her hand and she stood and stretched lazily, scratching at the bare skin of her belly showing between the baggy pajama bottoms and the fitted tank top she was wearing. Even standing there, in nothing special, the sight of her drove him to distraction. He pulled his eyes away from her, studying his phone's screen.
"No, we do NOT need plan? Why would we need a plan? Why do they even have to know? Why does anyone need to know right now? I mean... we haven't even figured it all out ourselves."
'Why is he being such a girl about this', she thought. They liked each other. They had fun together and she could get used to make out sessions like the one they'd just had. Going out and telling everyone right now just seemed like ... bad juju!
What if they told everyone and then in a week, or a month, one of them did something really stupid (which, let's just face it, was bound to happen) and it was over and then they had to explain everything to everyone and those stupid girls at school would walk around the halls talking about her. She hated when people talked about her. Nothing that was happening between them had anything to do with anyone else; and that was the way she liked it.
She looked down at Freddie, who was looking up at her with a crestfallen expression on his face.
"You don't want anyone to know that we're together." He said as a statement more than a question.
"Don't say it like that!" She said and sighed as she sat beside him. If they were going to be together she was going to have to get better at explaining what she meant. "It's not like I'm ashamed of you… or … of us…"
"Oh really?" Freddie questioned, his jaw tensed, "Because that's what it looks like from where I'm sitting."
"Ugh! Why are you making this so hard?" She asked.
"I'm not the one making it difficult Sam. I'm not the one who wants to hide. You want me to pretend that the greatest thing to happen to me since…well, since ever, doesn't exist!" He said evenly, "And no matter how difficult you think it would be to tell everyone about us... hiding it will be a hundred times harder!"
She studied his face and felt her heart constrict at what she saw there. His mouth was set in an angry line; jaw tensed. But his eyes… his eyes showed nothing but hurt. Dang it! She'd spent years hurting him on purpose, and now that hurting him was the furthest thing from her mind… she was doing it; and a thousand times worse than any punch she'd ever thrown at him.
She moved closer to him on the sofa, lifting his arm so that she could fit under it. She felt his chest relax.
"Think about iCarly. The show is important to all of us but if any of those Seddie and Creddie wahoos get wind of us being together it could change everything. They won't care about how good the show is or about just having fun watching us. It'll become 'The Sam and Freddie Show'. Do you really want that?" she asked quietly, taking a deep breath before continuing.
"I'm not ashamed of you. I like you and me together and I'm glad that all of this has happened. But you have to admit… this is really new for us. Six months ago I was threatening you and hitting you. Now we're making out on my couch! It's sort of a lot to take in." She paused, "And you're right Freddie… hiding is hard. But that's not what I'm saying we should do; not exactly. I just want the time to get used to this before we go shouting it from the rooftops and making ourselves public property." She reached for his hand and entwined their fingers together, "Can't it be just us? Just for a little while longer?"
Freddie looked down into her eyes and waited a minute, to make her think that he at least gave it some thought before giving her what she wanted when, in all truthfulness, she'd had him at 'I'm not ashamed of you'. He knew that she had a point, but he couldn't help but worry just how long 'a little while longer' would be.
"Alright Sam. We'll do it your way…for now. But we can't go on like this forever. At some point people are going to get suspicious. They'll figure it out on their own. And how mad do you think Carly will be if she has to find out on her own instead of hearing it from us?" He said. "How do you expect to keep this from her? If I hold your hand or kiss you in front of her I think she might figure it out." he laughed
"You said mushy in private was just fine with you…" Sam said
He could kick himself right now. If he was within a hundred feet of her he was going to want to touch her. He wondered how many more of his words he was going to have to eat.
"Freddie," she started, "you are looking at one of the best liars in Seattle – maybe even the world!" She said
"Not something to be proud of Samantha." he said
"Myeah" she said, hitting him lightly on the arm, "all I'm saying is that keeping this from Carly and your mom and everyone else is just a matter of a few very well told …half-truths" she said
"Lies you mean?
"No… I mean half-truths. For instance; when you go home Carly will say 'Freddie have you seen Sam' to which you will say, "I texted her earlier, but she didn't text me back", then pull out your phone and look all interested in it and ask her if she's seen me. She'll be too distracted to notice that you didn't answer the question. Plus, you did text me, and I didn't text you back. That's not a lie. You just don't mention that there was no need to text me back because you were already spending the better part of Saturday afternoon with your tongue down my throat." She sat back with a self-satisfied smile.
"Okay, so what do we say when she asks us about the kiss at the lock-in?" He asked, sure he'd gotten her this time.
"That one's easy. I'll talk to her before you do. I'll tell her that I kissed you but you didn't respond because…" she paused; thinking, "Because you're not completely over her!" she looked up to gauge his reaction, silently praying that her statement was only half true. "See! It's not exactly a lie, when I kissed you, you did sort of stand there like a nub." She laughed. "When she asks you about it, just stick to the script – I kissed you, you didn't respond, you're not over her. Got it?"
Freddie frowned, shaking his head.
"Sam…I really don't like that plan." He said.
"What do you mean?" she said, "The plan is genius!"
"No it's not!" he said, turning to peer down into her eyes, "It's not genius at all." He paused. "You and I both know that I liked Carly for a long time. Realizing we weren't mean to be together and getting over her wasn't exactly easy" he said
"You were foreign bacon." Sam stated simply
"Thank you Sam, I think we've established that" he said, "The point is that I am over her. I am completely and totally over her Sam. I want you, more than I ever wanted Carly. More than I've ever wanted anyone. So even pretending to still want Carly isn't an option." He finished, looking in her eyes.
What could she say to that? He wanted to be with her, enough to not even consider a pretend crush. She didn't know if she could ever be happier than she was in this moment.
"So what do you suggest?" she asked.
Freddie sat still; eyes squished, lips pursed – it was his thinking face.
"How about this? We tell her that I said I couldn't be with you for the sake of all of our friendships" Sam looked at him questioningly, "I mean, we could say that I just thought it was best if there were no romantic involvements between any of us."
Sam sat quietly as a smile crept slowly across her face.
"You know what? I think that might actually work!" She said, "And you thought of it all by yourself. Momma is rubbin' off on you" she laughed, clapping her hands together.
"Really? You're agreeing with me?" he said in shock.
"Yeah! And we've been sort of sneaking around for the last three months anyway. So the only difference is that we'll have to be a little more careful. And sometimes when we sneak around we'll do this..." she said, wrapping her arms around his neck, pulling him down to their original position.
He shook his head in amazement and wrapped himself around her; smiling into her kiss. She really had an answer for everything. And what she was suggesting just might work. He still didn't want to hide or sneak around. He wanted everyone to know that she was his; that he loved all loud, crazy, violent 100 pounds of Sam Puckett…and just maybe she loved him too. But he knew that the idea of them being together still scared her, so he was willing to go slow if it meant that she'd stay with him, despite her fear.
"Whatever you say Princess Puckett," he laughed, "whatever you say."
Carly paced back and forth in her kitchen, staring at the screen of her Pear Phone. She'd been texting Sam and Freddie every hour on the hour since she got up this morning. Sam was usually at her house early on Sundays since that was the day Spencer made pancakes and bacon… with extra bacon for Sam. When breakfast had come and went with no sign of her Carly had started calling; her calls went straight to voicemail.
When she couldn't get a hold of Sam, she started trying Freddie. Again, no answer, and no sign of him either. She'd even gone over to his house where she was met by the disapproving face of his mother who quickly informed her that he had left early to study at the library. She'd tried to thank Mrs. Benson and ask her to have Freddie call when he got back but the door was unceremoniously slammed in her face. That woman had issues for sure!
So now she stood in her kitchen, trying to take her mind off of her two best friends whom she'd witnessed making out, only to have them both go M.I.A. Freddie had come over right after the lock in but only stayed long enough to drop Spencer onto the sofa and grab his tech equipment from Brad before shooting out the door; throwing a 'see you later Carly', over his shoulder. She'd tried to go after him but had been stopped by Brad…who had said he needed to talk to her, and Gibby who kept asking her who she'd seen kissing at the lock in.
After she'd told Gibby that no one had been kissing he left quickly. That left her and Brad, sitting on her sofa in awkward silence.
"So… that was some night, huh?" Brad had said, nervously playing with the strap of his backpack.
"Yeah," Carly offered, "It was definitely one to remember." If he only knew the half of it, she thought. "So you wanted to talk to me?"
"Oh… yeah, I guess I did." He paused, staring at his feet, "The thing is that… the real reason I wanted to be an intern on iCarly was because I've liked you ever since I moved here. I mean… I know we haven't talked much but you just seem so cool, and I'd really like to get to know you." He looked up at Carly, "So I was wondering if you might want to maybe go out sometime…you know… like on a date… with me." he stuttered.
Carly blushed at the attention and smiled at Brad. Last night she would have had to say no, but now that she was sure the MoodFace app was wrong and Sam didn't like Brad, she saw no reason to turn him down. He really was adorable, and she hadn't noticed until just now what nice eyes he had.
"Uh… sure Brad. I mean, I'd love to. I just… you don't think it will make things weird… for iCarly I mean?" she asked.
"I don't see why it has to." Brad said. He didn't mention his theories on Sam and Freddie, but if he was right, sooner or later, he and Carly wouldn't be the only iCarly crew members dating. "Freddie's cool and I don't think Sam will care… as long as I keep bringing her fudge." He laughed and Carly joined him.
"Winning Sam over with food… you know her pretty well already I see." Carly said
She and Brad had spent another hour or so just talking and watching TV. As it turned out, Brad had a military family background like hers. His father was a commander in the Navy, assigned to Everett Naval Station, just north of Seattle. While Carly had been able to have a relatively stable life by living with Spencer – house fires and weird food notwithstanding, Brad had moved around a lot as a kid. He was hoping that this time they'd stay in one place until he graduated.
While they sat together she tried to text Sam and Freddie, inconspicuously, but Brad kept catching her and asking who she was texting. She finally just gave up and enjoyed her time with him. Spencer had walked in after an hour and asked if they wanted to come down to the Groovy Smoothie with him but Brad declined saying he needed to get home. Before he left they made plans to go to the movies that weekend. Carly's only request was that it not be a horror movie.
That was yesterday, when her worry had been mild compared to the full, blown tornado of rage she was feeling now! How dare Sam and Freddie not contact her? Yesterday she could say that maybe they'd been busy and not able to contact her; but it had been a full 24 hours; the longest she and Sam had gone without talking since the 'Fleck & Dave' incident. Still there had been no contact at all from Sam or Freddie.
As a rule, Carly avoided going to Sam's house. It was not that the house wasn't nice, it was, in an older sort of way. And it wasn't the neighborhood, which wasn't the best but she certainly wasn't going to get mugged in broad daylight there. It was totally Sam's mom. Pam Puckett made the skin on the back of her neck stand up. Being around her was like sitting on the city bus next to someone who looked capable of murder – you were pretty sure they wouldn't actually do it right there on the bus...but you'd still feel better when their stop came up.
'Oh well, desperate times call for desperate measures', she thought. Grabbing her jacket off the hook by the door and scribbling a quick note to Spencer, she yanked the door open and stopped short.
"Hey Carlotta… am I too late for Bacon Sunday?"
Standing in her doorway, looking so nonchalant it made Carly's blood boil, was Sam. Carly grabbed the front of her shirt and pulled her, forcefully, into the apartment.
"Whoa… Slow down there Shay! Where's the fire?" Sam managed to choke out.
"Don't you 'whoa' me! How dare you 'whoa' me!" Carly screeched. "Where have you been! I've been calling you since yesterday and you didn't call me back! Or text! Or come over!" She shook a finger in Sam's face, "NO BACON FOR YOU!"
Sam tried not to laugh. She knew that Carly would be bent out of shape about her and Fredwardo going missing yesterday. She just didn't think it'd be this bad. Carly was known to get bent out of shape pretty easily, but it was never this funny!
"I'm sorry…Geez!" Sam said, trying to quell the laughter. If she kept laughing, she wouldn't sound believable when she told Carly the "truth" about her and Freddie. And it was really important that Carly believe her. She hated to lie to Carly but, in Sam's mind, she didn't have a choice. Carly was hurt so easily when it came to her friends and while she may be mad at her and Freddie when she found out that they'd lied, she wouldn't stay mad. But if Sam spilled all the beans now and Carly got all excited, only to watch Sam and Freddie break up… that would hit her harder; and might ruin their friendship forever. Nope, there wasn't a choice. She had to do it.
Sam drew in a deep breath and flopped down onto the sofa, fixing her face into a melancholy stare.
"I just wasn't ready to talk about….it, yet" she said, sadly.
'Uh, oh' Carly thought. This couldn't be good. Sam didn't really get sad about boys, at least not the way Carly did. If Carly had a breakup or a broken heart she crawled under the covers with a carton of ice cream and cried through a day's worth of sappy movies. The last time a boy had disappointed Sam, she'd hooked his underwear to the wedgie bounce and laughed her head off while eating a sandwich and watching the whole debacle stream live on the internet. It wasn't like her to get all sad looking and stare off into space. Seeing her getting upset over a boy…over Freddie no less, was strange. This wasn't some random crush, and the MoodFace app hadn't been wrong. Sam was in love….with Freddie!
Carly moved to sit beside her. "So… what happened" She asked
"You mean before I kissed the dork… or after?" She asked Carly, without looking at her, "Guess it doesn't matter which one. They both turned out crab."
Carly grabbed for Sam's hand.
"Aw, come on Sam. It can't be that bad, can it?" She was almost scared to hear the answer and suddenly more than a little worried at why Freddie was missing.
"He turned me down kid," she said, looking away from Carly, "turned me down flat. But at least he was nice enough not to do it in front of everyone"
"Wait," Carly said, shocked, "What do you mean he turned you down? I saw you kissing! And you've both been acting all weird lately and spending time together! And the MoodFace app said you were in love… I don't understand" Carly said.
"Yeah, the MoodFace app said I was in love. Not Fredhead. And what you saw was me kissing him…and him not responding" Sam said.
"Aw, Sam. I'm really sorry. I thought for sure… I mean I really thought that…" Carly got quiet.
"You thought we were off somewhere together, ignoring your calls – making out and all that chizz?" Sam laughed and Carly realized; that the thought had crossed her mind more than once today, each time she'd shrugged it off as crazy talk. "Sorry to disappoint you Carly, but it's not going to happen. He was really nice about it – made me want to punch him in the throat! He was all 'blah, blah, blah…we're friends. And blah, blah, blah…I don't want to ruin that and yada, yada, yada…After Carly I don't think it's a good idea for any of us to be 'romantically' involved."
"Wait a minute… what!" Carly exclaimed, dropping Sam's hand, "he said what?"
"He said it's a bad idea for him to be involved with either of us." Sam said, lowering her head. "Maybe he's just saying it because he thinks there's still a chance with you." she offered, "There isn't is there?"
She knew it was wrong and that she'd told Freddie she wouldn't go this route, but she couldn't help herself. She just wanted to see what Carly's reaction would be. To see if there was any part of her that might entertain the idea of being with Freddie.
Carly got quiet, blowing air out of her mouth slowly while leaning back against the sofa. This was bad, even worse than she thought. What if Freddie was still in love with her? What if she'd ruined Sam's chances of being with him? This really sucked.
"I don't think he's in love with me." She said, "and even if he was, it's never gonna happen!"
Sam swung her feet over the arm of the sofa and laid her head in Carly's lap, like she always did when she was upset.
"Really Carls, it's okay" Sam said.
"No Sam! It's not okay. I mean, I was the one who told you to make a move and take a chance and look what happened! I feel like all of this is my fault!"
"Calm down," Sam said, "It's really not that big a deal. Once I got home, took a nap and washed my mouth out with soap I felt much better. It wouldn't have worked between me and him anyway. It's cool. He was nice about it so at least I didn't have to beat him. And it might be weird for a little while but it'll be fine eventually." She tried to reassure Carly, who was, at the present staring at the television with an angry look on her usually happy face.
Both girls lapsed into silence. Carly sat wondering what she could do to fix this. Obviously Freddie had no intentions on being with Sam. Sam had kissed him and even then he'd rejected her. Maybe he just needed to see what he was missing. A small smile crossed her face as she thought of all the ways she could help that happen.
"You know what Sam?" she said, "Any boy who would turn you down is obviously dumb… and blind. Freddie's my friend, but maybe he's not the guy for you. So now we just need to find the one that is." she finished a mischievous glint in her brown eyes.
Sam had told Freddie that fooling Carly would be easy. She'd tell Carly, Carly would be sad for her, then in three or four months Sam and Freddie would tell her the truth and hopefully she'd be too busy celebrating to be mad at them. She'd been right, partially. Fooling Carly had actually been easier than she thought, but she had a feeling that the outcome wouldn't be quite as simple as she imagined. Carly looked so upset, and hurt… for Sam and her imaginary heartbreak over Freddie, enough so to try to 'fix it'. And when Carly tried to fix things they had a tendency to go bad…real bad. For the first time that day Sam wished she had just listened to Freddie.
What had she gotten them into?