DISCLAIMER: The copyrighted characters of any TV program, movie, or published work of fiction are the property of their owners/creators. In this case, Law and Order SVU and Dick Wolfe. No copyright infringement is intended and nothing is being made. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. AUTHOR'S NOTE: Feedback is greatly appreciated (good or bad). Single quotes indicate thoughts. The subject is sensitive and I will stick to the medical facts as best I can. ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

OUT OF NEW YORK

Chapter 9: Capitol A

"Nice place." Olivia said walking into Alex's apartment. She slowly turned and took in the whole room. It was one big room divided into four spaces and an enclosed space. Olivia guessed it was the bathroom. The kitchen was to the left. Spacious. She chuckled to herself. 'Probably never used.'

In front of her was a wall of windows. She could see the Capitol building. The sun was setting and it casted purples and reds through the sky giving the Capitol a blush tint. She knew that this was the reason Alex lived here. The Capitol. The big House. That was her goal. She had it in her sights everyday now.

The view as so overwhelming that Olivia failed to see the stack of boxes aligning the wall just below the windows. Alex touched her on the shoulder.

"Beautiful isn't it." Alex handed Olivia a glass of wine. She motioned for her guest to sit on the couch.

"I would say inspiring." Olivia shocked even herself. "I mean if you had aspirations of that career path."

"One can dream." Alex said taking a seat on the couch next to Olivia. She was careful not to sit too close, but was within arms reach. "But you must take baby steps to get there." She took a long sip of her wine.

"I can recall two recent presidents that took large steps." Olivia challenged.

"Yes, but one got us into war and the other, well he's still working." Alex took a deep breath. She was preparing her next word carefully. Olivia listened to the silence. She began to feel uncomfortable.

"What happened to us?" Alex asked.

Olivia took a sip of her wine and then another before answering. "We made decisions without each other. Big ones." She let the weight of her words and their significance remain on their own.

Alex swallowed hard. She knew that she herself began the unraveling. She told herself over and over that she had to think for two not one, but when it came time for chances, she made it about her.

"I take the blame for starting. It was selfish of me not to talk with you. It was an important decision. A passionate one and I just made it."

"You make those kind of decisions and we fall apart." Olivia placed her glass on the coffee table. She sat back and rubbed her hands on her thighs. Alex took a long last drink. She played with the glass rim.

"You make decisions everyday Olivia. Everyday you went out the door I was afraid that it would be the last time I saw you." She felt a lump begin to grow in her throat. "You pull your gun and you decide that what is happening is worth the risk of you dying."

"See that is where you and I collide. I pull my gun its because I don't plan on dying. Odds are in my favor that I am a better shot."

"That is comforting." Alex crossed her arms. Her wine glass still in her hand.

"You do the same." Olivia turned towards Alex. "You are in court trying to convict the most henice criminals. So get locked up some don't. Some take revenge from the inside. Some just stalk you for a time before they release the anger they have towards you and either mo on or end up right back into the system."

"Yes, but I don't have a gun aimed right at me or a knife to my throat." Alex's voice began to quiver. She felt Olivia's stare. She turned towards her.

"Alex you have had those things too." Olivia put up her hand to stop Alex from commenting. Olivia paused a bit longer. She traced the younger woman 's face without touch. The smooth skin, soft blue eyes and lips full and welcoming. What she would not give to have the last three months erased. "We've gotten off topic." She reached for her wine glass. Disappointed that it was empty, she placed it back on the table.

"I love you, Olivia. I know this to be true." She reached for Olivia's hand. "I felt safe and secure in that, so when I made this decision, I knew that…that." Alex squeezed Olivia's hand harder. "I knew that nothing would change that. I was a good and I want to take that good and help others."

"Wait what?" Olivia withdrew her hand. "You love me. And you are saying that because you love me you are going to South Africa?" Olivia searched Alex's face. Any sign of remorse would be welcomed. Nothing. "I did not make that a probability. I didn't even know you were even thinking about it." She stood and walked back to the windows. "You and I shared a house. We shared a life. Day to day we talked, ate and slept together. Hell the night before the verdict, we made love. And yet nothing from you about this decision." Olivia wrinkled her mouth in disgust. "I hear it on the courthouse steps as we walk out of the trial. And not even from you." Olivia crossed her arms in front of her and turned towards Alex. Alex sat patently. Hearing all the pain she caused Olivia torn at her heart.

"Is being in that place that important to you? You'd risk losing me and perhaps your life to gain ground towards granite walls and power?"

"No. That is not why I am doing this." Alex closed her eyes. She could feel a headache coming on. "I got caught up in the moment during the trail. Talking with different people in the state department and the African Councel. It just sounded so romantic."

"WTF! Romantic. There is nothing romantic about what is happening to those girls."

"Not in that way. I guess heroic. I wanted to make a bigger difference. Concentrate on one issue and work it till it no longer existed. I wanted to be passionate about what I do. I wanted to be like you."

"Me! Why would you want that? You're pretty good at what you do all by yourself."

"It wasn't enough."

"So we weren't enough either."

"That's not what I said."

"But that's where you were heading. The dreams of us getting married, having children and growing old together WE was exciting to me. I guess we just are too different." Olivia turned and headed for the door.

"Wait!" Alex shouted. "Don't go, please."

"You've already gone." Olivia turned the doorknob, pulled the door open and stepped out into the hall. She stopped for just a moment to look at Alex once more and then closed the door.

"What have I done?" Alex fell to the floor. Her body shaking. She had never felt so alone. So empty.

Olivia unlocked the door and entered into the foyer. She did not bother with the lights. Walking over to the windows, she pulled open the drapes. Her view was not as spectacular as Alex's. The rooftop of the building across the street, the fifth floor window of the brownstone just to the left and if she turned her head just right she could see the Washington Monument. It's a big structure. Almost everyone in DC could see the monument.

She opened the small cabinet under the windowsill. A small bar with only one bottle. The bar belonged to her mother, the bottle to her. Olivia always joked 'The two things mother loved the most, booze and me.' She wasn't always so sure about herself.

Olivia pulled out the bottle of MaCallan and an empty glass. She sat on the couch with such force, that the cushions from the other side moved and became slightly dislodged. She didn't notice. She was alone in her head pining once again. She replayed the conversation again in her head. She could not find where she made the mistakes. She was sure there were some, plenty of them. The only thing she could think of was in the end she was just not good enough for Alex.

Her phone vibrated in the pocket of her jeans. She ignored it. Instead she opened the bottle and poured herself a glass of the warm carmel colored liquid. She allowed her senses to be filled with the sweet smell of the scotch.

"To tomorrow." She toasted to no one. I one big gulp the glass was empty. Her phone buzzed again. She pulled it from her pocket and was about to throw it across the room when she noticed the number.

"SA Benson." She said strongly.

"Benson. Chief Donovan has been trying to reach you. Hold please." The stern female placed her on hold before she could answer her.

"Benson. Change of plans. You will need to report to Andrews at 0:30 hrs. Ready for deployment. You will receive further instructions when you arrive." The line went dead. She looked at her watch. She had three hours to get her stuff together and set the personnel deployment plan in motion. She poured one last drink, downed it and replaced it in the bar. Next she texted "480" into her phone and sent it to Abbie.

She began packing her gear. There was not much to take. She had been told what would be expected for an Afghanistan woman. Mostly underwear, small bit of toiletries and sandals. Next we went into the bathroom. She pulled the box of Clairol from the medicine cabinet. She shed her cloths and began applying the black hair dye to hide her highlights. While it set into her hair, she pulled out her data book and began reviewing the cultural information. She knew it by heart, but she also knew that one mistake could cost her her life. It would be hard not to look a man in the eyes when she was spoken to or to respond. She recited her personal mantra to remember not to speak.

"The spoken word gets you killed." She drained her glass and placed it on the windowsill. Her breath caused the window to fog in front of her. She traced a heart in the mist.