Chapter 10: Turning Tables

8:05am Freduccini: Someone's not getting n e pancakes ;p

8:34am Freduccini: Wake up Sam! ur bacon's getting cold!

9:15am Freduccini: Where r u? call me

10:45am Freduccini: WTH!

12:00pm Freduccini: This isn't funny Sam! Call me! Im worried!

2:00pm Carly: Sam! Freddie is freakin' out…Where r u?

The texts went on like that all day. Every hour on the hour her phone buzzed with a new message. She'd read them all but couldn't bring herself to respond.

Around 3:00 she'd heard banging on her door. She'd crept to the window and peaked out the blinds, looking down at the porch below.

Carly and Freddie.

Carly looked annoyed…no doubt figuring that Sam was just being flaky and that Freddie was overreacting. Freddie looked worried, his brow furrowed as he looked into the windows on her porch. She shut her blinds before he could see her looking down on them. It took a full fifteen minutes for them to realize that no one was coming to the door and leave.

She didn't want anyone to worry. She just needed to be alone. She needed to figure out what to do.

Somewhere in her head she knew she'd been waiting for this day. She'd just hoped it wouldn't come so soon. She'd tried to tell him. Tried to warn him that as great as this was…the odds were against it lasting.

He never took her seriously.

She looked at the clock – four thirty – she had thirty minutes to get dressed and get to Bushwell Plaza or she'd be late for iCarly. She contemplated not going. Just staying here all day, with her head under the covers. But she knew that wouldn't work. Eventually she'd have to leave this house and deal with the situation. Eventually she'd have to see Freddie.

And that's when the really hard part would begin.

Ten minutes. iCarly started in ten minutes and still no sign of Sam. There'd been no sign of her all day. She hadn't shown up for breakfast, so he'd skipped the arts festival, thinking that maybe she'd show up later. She hadn't.

He'd been calling, texting, he'd even convinced Carly to come with him to her house.

Still no Sam.

He was vascilating between anger and concern. Right now anger was winning.

"This is freaking ridiculous!"

"Freddie calm down." Carly said, looking up from her notes for the show. She'd been just as worried as him earlier. Two meals today without Sam…that was not normal. And Freddie said he'd invited her to breakfast with pancakes… and bacon! Sam never turned down free food. But Sam had never missed an episode of iCarly…except when she'd gotten arrested for pouring beans down that diplomat's pants. Sam would be here…she hoped.

The elevator dinged and the opening door revealed a very much alive and unharmed Sam Puckett. She wore a look of cool nonchalance as she walked into the studio.

"What up peoples?"

"Sam! Where the hell have you been? We've been worried sick!" Freddie lowered his voice, stepping closer to her, "I've been worried sick…what happened to you?"

He reached out a hand to grab her arm.

She squirmed out of his grasp, picking up her blue sound remote control as she stood beside Carly.

"No big deal. I'm here now…can we get on with it?" her retort was absent of its usual bite and she'd yet to meet his eyes.

"Sam…" he started towards her.

"Freddie," Carly stood between them, "She's here now and she doesn't look wounded so let's just do the show. We can talk about this later." She was glad to see that Sam was okay. But the look on Sam's face told her that whatever had made her disappear all day was not something she wanted to talk about.

Freddie sighed in frustration and walked back to his cart, taking his camera from Brad, who was running the sound board.

"In five…four…three…two"

He spent the rest of the show studying her. To the millions of iCarly viewers everything probably looked normal. Sam and Carly were hilarious as usual; their new bit 'Are You Smarter Than A Gibby' was probably the funniest thing they'd done to date. But to someone who knew Sam it was obvious that something was wrong. He'd tried to get her to look at him during the video clip for 'Who's That Weirdo In My Neighborhood?' but she seemed determined to avoid his gaze.

"Dude, what's up with Sam?" Brad whispered to him, "She seems sort of off tonight. Trouble in paradise?"

Freddie could only shrug his shoulders. What was wrong with Sam? He didn't have a clue.

"Okay all you freaks and weirdos, that's it for this episode of iCarly."

"Not so fast Sam" Carly said, "We've got one more thing to do. Brad, grab the camera"

"Carly…" Sam whispered, a warning in her voice, "You'd better not be doing what I think you're doing."

"Shush" Carly whispered through clenched teeth, before turning back to the camera with a smile. "Tonight we have a very special treat for you. Freddie? Would you do the honors?" She waved Freddie toward her.

Carly had discussed this with Freddie before the show. He thought it was a bad idea; sure to piss Sam off. But right now he didn't care. She'd pissed him off too… and had him in a panic with worry. And if she'd been here when she was supposed to be she could have had a say in it. It wasn't his fault she'd flaked out.

He walked over to Sam, feeling her angry glare burning a hole in his shoulder.
"Well, all you iCarly fans, for quite a while now a lot of you have been writing in asking if there is ever going to be an iCarly romance."

"Freddie…" Sam was shaking, "what are you doing?"

He ignored her. No turning back now.

"So tonight, we've got an announcement. Sam and I are…" he reached out to grab her hand.

Jerking away from Freddie Sam jumped in front of him, her arms spread wide as she leaned in to the camera…all smiles.

"We are happy to announce that Carly and Brad, our awesome fudge-makin' intern, are officially a couple. Complete with goo-goo eyes and kissy faces. It's a Christmas miracle!" she cried. "Come on over here Carly!"

Carly eyes were wide with shock. She didn't mind if the iCarly viewers knew about her and Brad. But that was not the announcement that was supposed to be made! She walked stiffly to stand beside Freddie, who looked shell-shocked.

"So now that really is all for iCarly tonight! See you next week!"

"And we're clear" Brad said, dropping the camera from his shoulder, placing it on the cart.

The studio was silent.

"So…" Brad said, "that was…um… a good show."

Nothing.

"Carly…how crazy was that dancing hobo video?" his question seemed to break Carly out of her trance.

"Yeah…so funny" she said, looking back and forth between Sam and Freddie who stood on opposite sides of her. The room had the feeling of a battleground right before the war cry.

"Sam? What…was that?"

"Just drop it Carly."

"But Sam…"

"Carly! Seriously, just…."

Freddie, who had been standing still, fists clenched at his side, suddenly turned to the girls, his face bright red, and his eyes wild.

"She's right Carly. Just drop it! No big deal right Sam?" He moved past Carly to stand in front of Sam who, for the first time Carly could remembered, looked scared. "I mean, who cares that she just rejected me…in front of a million people! No big deal! She's Sam Puckett; she can do what she wants and fuck how anybody else feels!"

"Freddie…calm down." Carly reached out to touch his arm, trying to defuse the situation.

He shrugged her off, his shoulders shaking in anger.

"No Carly! I've had it!"

Sam took a step backward, still refusing to meet Freddie's eyes.

"Why Sam? Do you think this is funny? Is that all this has been to you? A big joke?" Sam was silent, "Look at me damn it!" He threw up his hands in frustration. "You know what? Screw it! I'm out of here" he stormed towards the door, flinging it open.

The sound of the slamming door echoed in the studio.

"So…I guess I should go, because…well, I don't want to be here for this." Brad said, grabbing his bag before exiting the door. He poked his head back in, "I'll call you later Carly."

Carly walked over and fell onto a beanbag. What the hell had just happened. Sam rejecting Freddie. Freddie screaming at Sam. Sam…not saying anything. She didn't even defend herself. Not one word.

Carly looked over at Sam, who hadn't moved from the spot she was in when Freddie stormed out. Carly had no idea what to say to her. She completely understood why Freddie was mad. Sam had humiliated him plenty of times, including telling the whole world that he'd never kissed anyone. But this was different. She'd seen the way Freddie looked at Sam, she knew how much he cared about her. For her to reject him, even if no one knew but the people in this room, was a hurt Carly couldn't imagine.

"Sam? Can we talk about this?"

Still unmoving, Sam's face gave nothing away, but when she spoke, her voice was shaking.

"There's nothing to talk about Carly."

"But Sam! You saw how mad Freddie was, I've never seen him like that? Why would you do that to him?"

"You don't understand Carly. You just…you couldn't understand."

"Maybe I would…or maybe I wouldn't, it really doesn't matter how I feel about it. What about Freddie? You can't just let him walk out like that. You have to find him!"

Sam looked over to meet Carly's concerned gaze. And this time her face couldn't hide what she was feeling; her eyes were filling with tears as she struggled to keep her voice steady.

"I can't." She walked toward the door.

"Sam, wait!" she stood from the floor, walking toward Sam who paused with her hand on the doors handle, her back to Carly.

"No Carly! I know you're only trying to help, but you can't fix it…I can't fix it. Not this time. It's over." Opening the door, she left, leaving Carly standing in the studio alone…and confused.

Sam walked slowly down the stairs, crossing Carly's living room and praying that Spencer didn't make an appearance. She couldn't talk to him right now. There was something she needed to do and she was scared that if she waited any longer she'd lose her nerve.

Exiting Apartment 8C, she paused in the hallway trying to clear her head. Why had Carly done that? Her decision was already hard enough, but now, now it was that much harder.

She knew where to find him. The same place she'd found him a thousand times before, the same place she found him the other time she had hurt him so badly live online, more than two years ago. It was their place. She walked toward the fire escape and found herself hoping that he wouldn't be there. Hoping that maybe she didn't know him as well as she thought. That maybe he'd found another hiding spot, that maybe she could put this off one more day.

Sliding open the window she peered out into the Seattle night hesitantly. The strains of John Mayer's "Heartbreak Warfare" filled the small space. In the darkness she almost didn't see him.

"I knew you'd come" his voice was soft; the anger from only moment ago replaced with resignation. "Why are you here?"

She stepped out onto the landing, peering behind the stairs towards his voice. He sat on the ground, knees drawn up against his chest. His shoulders slumped as he toyed with a white envelope he held in his hands.

She moved towards him slowly, running over in her head the words she'd determined she had to say but as he turned his head to look at her, his brown eyes searching hers in hope… and fear, she lost the ability to speak. No matter what she said, one of them would be unhappy. Which meant that both of them would be unhappy.

Gathering her nerve she ducked beneath the stairs and crouched down beside him. He moved over soundlessly, making room for her. They sat in silence for what felt like an eternity, only the music and the sounds of Seattle at night surrounding them.

Lightning strikes
Inside my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of ways
To make you understand my pain

"Freddie"… "Sam" they spoke in unison.

"You go first," she said. It only made sense. Once she'd finished what she'd come to say she didn't think she'd have the courage to stay.

He flipped the envelope over and over in his hands before passing it to her.

"I got this for you. Go ahead, take it" he insisted as Sam's hand hesitated over it. She opened it slowly, and lifted her head to peer at him in confusion. "Prom tickets." He laughed, "After the other night I thought…I thought you'd want to go…with me." He looked over to her, "shows how much I knew, huh?"

"Freddie…"

He laughed to himself. "You know I was actually looking forward to it? Prom I mean. Even though I knew you'd say it was lame. And tell me I was wearing a monkey suit. And complain about the pictures. I still knew it'd be magic. Because I would be with you."

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really every wins
In heartbreak warfare

"I don't get it Sam. I really don't. I've been sitting out here and no matter how hard I try to understand it, I just can't. What happened? One minute we're laughing and spending time together and …happy! And then the next you're hiding again and running away and… what was that in there? Are you really that ashamed of me? Because I could have sworn that I wasn't the only one who wanted this!"

"Freddie…it's not that. I want…"

"You want? You want! Why is it always that Sam! Why is it always about what you want! What you need! What about me? What about what I want? Doesn't that matter? Don't I matter?"

"You don't know what you want" she stood up and walked out from under the stairs. She couldn't breathe. She needed air.

Freddie followed her, turning her arm, forcing her to face him.

"What the hell are you talking about? I'm not the one who's confused here! I know what I want… I want you!"

"Even if I'm a delinquent? Even if I'm the no-good a daughter of a whore whose had more than one stint in juvie? Is that what you want?" Her words were rushed, hurt turning them venomous.

"I've never said that about you!"

"But you think it! Everyone thinks it! So you can say that you don't care, that you don't want me to change, that it doesn't matter but it will! Sooner or later it will."

"Sam, I don't care what anyone else thinks. Don't you get that by now! It doesn't matter to me what they say because they don't know you Sam, but I do! What they think about you isn't real, it isn't who you really are… this is real Sam." He said, placing her hand over his heart. "We're real!"

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare.

"Why can't you just let it go? Don't you see? This can't work! This was never going to work! We don't fit. We don't make sense!"

"We make sense to me!"

"Now! But what happens later? What happens when you wake up and you see that I'm not who you think I am? What happens when you see that maybe everything people say about me is true. Maybe that is who I am? Then what, Freddie? I'll tell you what. You're gonna leave! That's how this freakin' fairytale ends! It was going to happen that way right from the start!"

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
Just say so...

"Sam…this is crazy! I'm not going anywhere. There isn't anywhere I'd rather be or anyone I'd rather be with than you! You're it for me! This isn't just some casual thing for me Sam! I'm not doing this just for something to do, or just to 'try it out'! I'm in love with you damn it! Why can't you see that?"

She flinched at the force of his voice. He took his hand from her arm, raising it to cup her chin, turning her face toward him.

" I'm not going anywhere. I couldn't walk away from you if I tried!"

Sam jerked her face from his hand, her eyes flashing in anger. "Bullshit Freddie! Bullshit! You're a liar, just like the rest of them. This isn't real! This is a lie. I heard you!"

"What the hell are you talking about Sam?"

"This morning in your room with your mom. I heard you Freddie."

"I don't understand?"

"What's to understand? Your mom hates me…like just about everyone else. And she stood there and told you everything that was wrong with me, every flaw, every issue, and you…you didn't say a thing. You just sat there. So sue me if I have a hard time believing that you're so happy with me, that you love me just like I am. That you've meant anything you've said to me in the last three months. Because I don't buy it Freddie!"

"Sam...you've got it wrong! You didn't hear everything!"

"I heard plenty…"

"You've got to listen to me, it's not what you think!"

He sounded desperate, just like she felt. She was desperate to get this over, to escape this space where her love for him and the pain of losing him were both threatening to drown her.

"I can't do this anymore."

"What are you saying! What do you mean you can't do this anymore?"

"You know what I mean Freddie, please don't make this any harder than it already is."

Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain

"Don't make it harder? For you! Are you fucking kidding me? You're standing here, ripping my heart out and you want me to make it easy for you? How can I do that? How can I make it easy for you to walk away?"

Her heart was shattering and if she stood here for one minute longer she'd break into a million pieces. She wanted to reach out to him, to wrap her arms around him and tell him that's she'd never leave. She wanted to stare into his eyes until she could believe that real love shone there. She'd known love before. The kind of all-encompassing feeling that made you wonder how you'd live without that person.

And she knew how it felt to watch that love walk away. She couldn't do that again. She couldn't watch him walk away.

"Men don't stay with girls like us."

"Never let them walk away first."

Her mother's voice rang in her ears, echoing through her – soul deep.

"I have to go…" She turned so that he wouldn't see her eyes, and the tears behind them she was straining to contain.

How come the only way to know how high you get me
is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
but I can't break through it all.

"Sam, please." His voice was thick, straining against the pain he felt. He reached out for her hand, taking it in his, trying to turn her around. "Please don't do this. I'm begging you. You have to listen to me, Princess."

With one word he'd made it all clear for her.

Princess. She'd been someone's Princess once.

"I'm sorry." She said, her voice hushed. She was holding onto her emotions by a thread and if she spoke any louder she knew she'd completely fall apart.

She rushed toward the window, scrambling inside and closing it behind her. Her small frame fit easily through, she knew he couldn't follow her as quickly.

"Sam…Sam wait! Sam!"

She heard him screaming her name through the plates of glass; the sound of his pain growing faint as she rushed toward the stairs.

She started running as soon as she hit the sidewalk. She didn't stop when her breath hitched and her side ached. She didn't stop when her vision blurred as the tears she'd tried so hard to fight rushed down her face. She didn't stop until she was home, behind the closed door of her room.

In the silence of her house she let herself come undone completely. She screamed out her pain, sobs wracking her small frame. She cried until she had no tears left. She tried to tell herself that she'd done the right thing. It would have only ended badly later, but her heart rebelled against that version of the truth and she was overcome with longing and loss.

She justified it…he would have left her anyway. Sooner or later. He was better off this way…everyone was better off this way.

She's a delinquent

Yes, yes…she's done all of the things you said

A weight of sadness settled over her, making it hard to breathe.

She's a whore

Yes, yes…she's all of the things you say. She's not what I want. She's not what I want

Her mind toyed with her…twisting words…blurring the line between the real and

Imagined. She grabbed Pippy from under her pillow, reaching inside, drawing out the picture.

"Me, you, your mama and Mellie are a family. We'll always be a family"

"You're my Princess, always…"

She screamed out her agony as she tore at the picture in her hand, until only shreds were left.

Lies. All lies.

She was no one's Princess anymore.