If I Only Had The Nerve
"Hey, guys, the Nutty Professor is back in the madhouse where he belongs!" chuckled the Joker as Jonathan Crane entered the Rec Room in Arkham Asylum. "Well, thank goodness! I thought this place had gotten a little too exciting lately – we really need someone around to make things boring again!"
"Good to see you too, Joker," retorted Crane, striding over to the bookcase, selecting a volume, and sitting down in an armchair on the opposite side of the room. He tried to concentrate on the words in front of him, but couldn't help glancing up at the crowd surrounding the Joker. He was the center of attention, as usual, chatting with Two-Face and Poison Ivy and Edward Nygma, with Harley Quinn hanging off his arm, gazing at Joker in adoration. Her big, wide blue eyes so sweet and tender and beautiful…
He forced his eyes back down to his book. It was like high school all over again. The popular crowd, which naturally he was excluded from, because he read books and had a brain. And the most popular guy in school with the prettiest girl on his arm, the prettiest, sweetest, most sincere girl he had ever met, the nicest, friendliest, most beautiful creature in the world…
"Thank goodness you're back!" exclaimed Jervis Tetch, sitting down next to him and startling him from his thoughts. "I felt as if I'd been abandoned to the Jabberwocky, with not another intelligent soul to speak to."
"No one in here is dumb, Jervis," replied Crane. "But thank you. It's good to see you again too."
"Oh yeah, I forgot we had Tetch to make things boring too!" laughed Joker suddenly, noticing him. "Well, I guess forgetting him is pretty easy to do – that's kinda the point really!" he chuckled. "Geez, I can already feel this room becoming depressing with failure and hopelessness thanks to these losers. C'mon, baby, let's leave the nerds to their books," he said, heading for the door with Harley.
On his way past, Joker knocked Crane's book off his lap. Crane glared at him and bent over to pick it up, but Harley beat him to it, picking it up and returning it with a smile. "It's nice to have you back, Professor Crane," she said sincerely, beaming at him. "I hope we'll see you at dinner."
"Oh…yes…that is…why not," stammered Crane. "Thank you…um…Miss Quinn."
She smiled at him and he felt his heart speed up. "I've told you a hundred times, Professor, call me Harley. Everyone does."
"Except me. I call her useless," retorted Joker, laughing. "C'mon, you dumb broad, it's not nice to encourage the socially retarded to speak."
"Puddin', don't be mean!" she said, but she still smiled at him adoringly. "See you later, Professor. Mr. Tetch."
"H…Harley," stammered Crane, gazing after her until she was out of sight.
He felt Tetch's hand on his arm. "Stop it now," he murmured. "It won't do any good. I, of all people, know the pain and sting of unrequited love – it is sharper than the Bandersnatch's tooth. Crush it now before it's too late."
"It's already too late," muttered Crane, crushing the book in his hand. "What does she see in that clown?!"
"Best not to ask," replied Tetch. "I don't think anyone really knows. It's like the answer to 'Why is a raven like a writing desk?' An unsolved riddle."
"I imagine Nygma could think up an answer for you," retorted Crane.
"An answer to what?" asked Nygma, coming over to them.
"To the riddle 'Why is a raven like a writing desk?'," retorted Crane. "And also to what Harley sees in the clown."
"As to the first, Edgar Allan Poe wrote on both," replied Nygma. "As to the second, God only knows."
"Apparently he's quite the Casanova," said Ivy, coming over. "An exceptionally wild and creative lover with a lot of stamina. Not that I ever wanted to know that, but Harley volunteers these things without you asking, no matter how many times you tell her it makes you physically sick to think about it."
Crane shuddered, sitting back down. "Talk about the stuff of nightmares," he muttered, returning to his book.
"Why do you wanna know?" asked Ivy.
"Just curious, my dear, that's all," replied Crane.
Ivy studied him closely. "You're not sweet on J, are you?" she asked, gently.
"On…no!" snapped Crane. "I'm not inclined that way at all! What made you think that?"
Ivy shrugged. "The accent, I guess. And, y'know, the nerdy, bookish type, not a lot of relationships, that could be the reason. So you're sweet on Harley, then?"
"I'm…not…I…" stammered Crane.
"You are, you're blushing," interrupted Ivy. "Gee, I'm sorry, Professor, but that's tough. I've tried for a long time to get Harley to see reason, but there's no saving her from that particular form of insanity, I'm afraid. She'll be with Joker forever. You should try to forget about her and focus on someone else."
"Thank you for your input, Miss Ivy," retorted Crane, turning his attention back to his book. "I shall certainly bear it in mind. But I hope you won't be too terribly offended if I ask you to mind your own business and leave me in peace? I did just lose a fight to the Bat, and had to endure seeing the woman I care for on the arm of another man, and a rather horrible man at that. It isn't what you might call a spectacular day, and I'd like to try to forget about it and focus on my work, if it's all the same to you."
Ivy shrugged again. "Just trying to help," she said, walking away.
"We'll leave you to it, old boy," said Tetch, as he and Nygma left. "Let us know if we can do anything."
Crane nodded, and tried to absorb himself in his book. It didn't work. He saw words in front of him but couldn't focus on their meaning. All he could see was Harley's beautiful face, smiling sincerely and sweetly at him. And even though he knew it would be painful to see her at dinner, where she would no doubt still be clinging to the clown, he was impatient for the time to pass so that he could see her, just see her, and be near her again. That was enough for now. But he was afraid it might not always be. He was afraid of his feelings for her, and what they might drive him to do. He thought himself the master of fear, but love was a whole new kind of terror he could never have prepared himself for.