"Hey look, Harley, fish!" exclaimed Joker at dinner that night as their meals were placed on the table in front of them. "You love fish, don't you, pooh?" he said, turning to her and beaming.
Harley stared at the food before her in disgust. "I hate fish, Mr. J," she muttered. She raised her hand to attract the attention of the one of the attendants.
"Is there a problem, Dr. Quinzel?" he asked, coming over to her.
"Yeah. I can't eat fish. I put this down on my admission form under the special dietary requirements section."
"Is it an allergy?" asked the attendant.
"I dunno," replied Harley. "I just really don't like it. It makes me physically sick to eat it. May I please have something else?"
"If it's not an allergy, I'm afraid we're unable to accommodate personal requests," replied the attendant. "You'll have to eat what you're given."
Harley's eyes narrowed. "Look, buster, I don't like your tone. I did ask nicely, so I expect to receive some courtesy back. And I'm kinda mentally unstable. Don't think it would be a great idea to upset me. Get it?"
"If you're going to make threats, Dr. Quinzel, you will have to be taken back to your cell and restrained," replied the attendant.
"Sounds like a party to me!" chuckled Joker. "But I do think you should do whatever you can to accommodate my Harley girl, sport. I don't like seeing her upset, not unless I'm the one who upset her. And you don't want to annoy me, do you, pal? You know it's not very fun when that happens, right?"
"This is your last warning about threats," retorted the attendant. "Sit quietly and eat your dinner, or you'll be escorted back to your cells. No exceptions."
And he strode off. "Jerk," snorted Harley. "But thanks for fighting my corner, puddin'," she murmured, kissing Joker's cheek.
"Here, Harley, I'll trade you my potatoes and broccolli for your fish," said Ivy, who sat on the other side of her. "I don't like eating vegetables if I can avoid it anyway."
"Thanks, Red," replied Harley, smiling at her. "Though I ain't a huge fan of broccolli either," she muttered, picking at it.
"Well, I guess it won't kill you to skip a meal, Harley," said Joker. "Wouldn't want you to get fat, after all, and you are starting to get a bit of a paunch!" he laughed, slapping her stomach.
Panic shot into Harley's eyes. "Yeah?" she said, looking down. "You think so, Mr. J? Gee, I've been working out the same as usual and I don't think I've been eating more…Red, you think I'm getting fat?" she asked, turning to Ivy.
"No, of course I don't, Harley," growled Ivy. "You've always been thin as a rail, and that hasn't changed in the slightest."
Harley nodded, but kept staring down at her stomach. "Maybe I could start skipping the desserts," she murmured to herself. "I probably eat too much chocolate anyway. And I could extend my workout time…"
"Harley, don't be stupid," snapped Ivy. "You look fine. Doesn't she, J?"
"Oh yeah, fine," he replied, grinning. "From this angle, sure. Most of the fat goes straight to her ass, y'know."
"You really think so, Mr. J?" asked Harley, desperately. "You think I've got a fat ass?"
"For God's sake, J, there's no fat on her!" shouted Ivy. "Stop joking about this now before you give her a complex! I don't want Harley starving herself over some stupid gag!"
"Geez, Pammie, lighten up," retorted Joker. "If I can't tease my little pooh bear, who can I tease?"
"You were just teasing, weren't you, puddin'?" asked Harley, pleadingly. "You don't really think I'm getting fat, do you?"
"Of course not, pumpkin pie," he murmured. "Now give Daddy a kiss."
Harley beamed, squeaked happily, and brought her lips to his. Everyone was stunned when Joker seized her face in his hands and thrust his tongue into her mouth in what appeared to be a moment of genuine and unrestrained passion.
It was explained a few moments later when he drew away and Harley suddenly choked, and started coughing. Joker laughed hysterically as she struggled to breathe, her face turning red, until she at last managed to spit out the bite of fish he had slipped into her mouth.
"I just take your breath away, don't I, baby?" he giggled as Harley panted.
"That…ain't funny…Mr. J!" she gasped, gulping down air.
Joker's expression instantly changed from manically happy to insanely dangerous. He suddenly struck her violently across the face, knocking her off her chair. "Don't you dare tell me what is and isn't funny, you stupid girl!" he shouted.
Harley had fallen onto her back, and he kicked her in the face before anyone could react. Ivy and the guards had started forward, but Crane, who had been seated across from them and watching the whole thing, was the one who reached Harley first, and stood protectively over her.
"Don't touch her, clown," he growled.
"Don't try to be a hero, Johnny, they don't do well against me," muttered Joker.
"You're not going to hurt her again," said Crane, firmly. "Leave her alone now."
"Don't try to tell me what to do with my own property, Johnny," retorted Joker.
"She's not your property, you sick freak!" shouted Crane. "She's not anybody's property, certainly not that of a vile, disgusting excuse for a human being!"
The room was stunned into silence. Joker was staring at Crane in astonishment. "What did you call me?" he murmured.
"A vile, disgusting excuse for a human being," repeated Crane, firmly. "It's about time someone was brave enough to tell you the truth. No one's amused by you, Joker, no one finds you funny. The only joke you're actually capable of is the joke of your existence, and that got old a long time ago. I can only hope it ends soon, for everyone's sake, but especially Harley's. She deserves better than the punchline to a joke nobody laughs at."
You could have heard a pin drop. The atmosphere in the room was beyond tense. "You…" began Joker, starting forward to attack Crane, but he was seized by a group of guards. "You're dead, Crane!" shrieked Joker, his eyes blazing fury as he was dragged out of the room. "You're gonna have a lot to be afraid of in the future, Professor, get me? You're dead!"
Crane glared after him until he disappeared, then instantly knelt down to see to Harley. "Are you all right?" he asked, gently.
"Yeah," she gasped, gazing at him in amazement. "Professor, what…why…"
"Are you out of your mind?" gasped Tetch.
"We're all mad here, Jervis," replied Crane, holding out his hand to Harley and helping her to her feet. "And there comes a time when a man has to stop being afraid. He has to stand up and face the fears that hold him back from action. Especially when someone else is depending on him to do so."
Harley gaped at him, absolutely stunned. "No…no one has ever stood up to Mr. J before," she murmured. "How did you…why did you…he'll kill you!"
"It's a small price to pay for your safety, my dear," replied Crane. "Do allow me to escort you to the nurse's office."
They were both escorted there under a guard. While the nurse went to get some antiseptic and bandages from the cupboard next door, Harley continued to stare at Crane in astonishment. Then she cleared her throat. "Look, Professor Crane, I'm really grateful to you for standing up for me like that…"
"No decent man would do any less, child," he replied.
"And don't get me wrong, it was a really sweet thing to do, and I really appreciate it. But, see, the thing is, Professor…"
"Oh please, it's Jonathan," he interrupted. "Or Johnny, if you prefer."
"Um…ok…Jonathan, see, the thing is…I don't really like people coming between me and Mr. J. People don't always get us, and they sometimes mean well and try to help when really they only make things worse…I don't like to see him upset, see, and people getting in his way upsets him. I don't like to see him in a bad mood, and I'm afraid he'll be very angry about this for a long time. I don't like it when he doesn't smile. Plus now he wants to get even with you, and I don't like the thought of you getting hurt on my conscience. So if this kinda thing happens again, can you please…um…not do anything?"
Crane stared at her. "Harley, he was beating you."
"Yeah, I deserved it," she replied. "I shouldn't have said he wasn't funny. Anyway, I don't mind it, not really. It happens all the time…"
"That doesn't make it right!" snapped Crane.
"It's not about right or wrong, Johnny, it's about who we are," replied Harley. "It's our business, and I really wish you hadn't interfered in it. It's gonna be really hard for me to talk Mr. J outta killing you, but I will try my hardest, I promise. It's the least I can do," she added, smiling tenderly at him.
"I don't understand," murmured Crane. "I rescued you…"
"Yeah, well, I didn't ask to be rescued, Johnny," retorted Harley. "I'm not some helpless damsel in distress, y'know, and Mr. J ain't no dragon. He's my knight in shining armor, and maybe it's black armor and a little tarnished, but that's the way I like it. I don't need another knight. But like I said, it was a real sweet thing to do, and I am grateful for the thought, really. I hope you're not mad, and that we can still be friends."
She was beaming at him, so sweetly and so sincerely, that Crane didn't have the heart to be angry with her, even though he was fuming inwardly. "Yes…of course…don't worry, Harley," he stammered. "Well, if you're sure you're ok, I'll just be going."
"Thanks again, Johnny," she said. "You're a sweet guy, really."
"Is she all right?" asked Tetch as Crane returned to the cafeteria.
"She's completely out of her mind, but yes, physically she's fine," retorted Crane. "She was actually trying to defend the bastard to me, Jervis. After he treated her like that."
Tetch shrugged. "She wouldn't be here if she weren't mad. Nor would she put up with him."
"She asked me kindly not to interfere between them again," continued Crane.
"Yeah, she does that with me too," sighed Ivy. "I've tried to listen, really, but it's hard to just ignore an abusive relationship. Especially when you care for someone in it."
"Yes indeed," snapped Crane. "I wonder…" he trailed off.
"What?" asked Tetch.
"I wonder what the clown is afraid of," murmured Crane, quietly. "What he truly fears most in the world. Could be an interesting experiment. And perhaps he would learn his lesson about bullying others and making them feel afraid."
"You can't use fear toxin on the Joker!" exclaimed Tetch. "He'll kill you!"
"Apparently he will already," replied Crane. "And it would be in the interests of science, after all. We must risk some personal sacrifice for that cause."
"I can't deny I'd love to see the bastard writhing in fear," murmured Ivy, her eyes alight. "Can you make sure to gas him somewhere where I can see it?"
"My dear, I will make it a public spectacle," he replied. "If anything will take his massive ego down a peg, it will be screaming like a baby in front of his rival villains. I wouldn't dream of depriving you the pleasure of seeing the terror in his eyes."
"This isn't a good idea, Jonathan…" began Tetch.
"Do you have a better one?" Crane demanded. "Oh yes, you do! Cower in fear from the brute and stand idly by while he beats that precious woman senseless! I refuse to be afraid of him anymore, Jervis! And I refuse to let Harley suffer at his hands anymore! Even if she doesn't want my help, she needs it! And since there's no hero to save her, I'm the only hope she's got."