Tauria: This one was so much harder to write. I had already written everything with Sprx's letter, and so I didn't want to repeat it all in this chapter. Hope you enjoy... and yes, I know this has an open ending, but it's just a two shot xD
Disclaimer: I don't own SRMT.
Letters
Tauria
Drinking from the Same Pond
Sprx,
Like you, I'm not too good with words either. The way I had always believed was that if you couldn't show it, it wasn't worth anyone knowing. It should stay in the dark crevices of your mind, and never show its face in the daylight. You should never speak of it, never think about it, nothing. It isn't worth it.
However, love has a funny way of rearing its head up when you don't want it to – like reality – and then it shows you everything you're thinking is wrong.
I didn't like that. I liked to be right, and I liked to be in control. I didn't like when I was told that I was wrong, and I didn't like when I was told that it was out of my hands. Eventually, though, I learned to like this feeling. You knew what you were doing… you knew how this was going, and so I followed you.
But that's not where I should start, is it? Here you go. Here are my cards, flat for your viewing.
.
Just like for you, it started with Mandarin for me too. When Mandarin began showering me with attention, I was okay with it at first. When most men would show me attention, it would be because I turned their tails to scrap in three seconds when we were fighting. It had never been because they liked me.
So I showed an appropriate response.
Then you started appearing by my side less and less, and I was sad. I was more upset then usual when someone close to me just left. I was… I guess I was heartbroken. I turned to Mandarin for the comfort and attention he seemed ready to give. Then, he left, and I was so alone. But then you showed back up again.
However, after that, I was a changed monkey. I had relied on you two too heavily – I needed to function independently. Yet I fell back into the routine we shared all too easily. Then slowly, you changed how you approached it, and I was grateful. I realized somewhere along the way I had fallen for you, and then you gave me the perfect opportunity to keep pretending there was nothing there.
You gave me the chance to trick my brain and my heart, like you were doing to your own. And it was refreshing at first. Like the first gulp of cool water. It cools you down, lets you relax and bear the heat a bit longer. But then you drink more and more, thinking it'll all be this good, and you feel bloated, and sick. You can't drink anymore, but you want to. Oh, you want to so badly.
Maybe things weren't cutting into me, but the more I drank from this 'blessed' pond, the more I felt like I was going to explode. I wanted to lay my cards on the table, but I was scared. I'm supposed to be a tough warrior, not moved by emotions as most females are. If you were to reject me, I'd break. And I had worked too hard for this image to break now. I didn't want to lose the respect I had worked so hard to gain.
And while I did this, I was losing control. I kept drinking this water, I kept on following you, thinking eventually I would catch up to you, see the sights you were seeing, and we could share them together. I had no way of knowing you were just as in the dark as I was. I had no way of knowing you were just as lost, sick, scared, and hurt as I was, if not more so.
I was used to blocking away all of my emotions. I was used to kicking tail. I was used to being strong. I wasn't used to all these emotions, to all these doubts in myself. I wasn't in my element. I tried making it my element – instead of adapting, I tried to change it all – I tried to fight the feelings I had for you. But I couldn't. They were too strong. I cut you off when you were close to confessing sometimes, and other times I would eagerly await your response. It was just so easy to do. It was much easier then coming to terms with my own feelings.
And so I kept drinking from that pond, and you kept bleeding, both of us doing more harm to ourselves then good.
And then the Fire of Hate thing happened.
I don't think I've ever felt that amount of pain before. I don't think that I have ever been so hurt, scared, and alone in my life. I'm rarely moved to tears.
That was what broke my gate, Sprx. Love had reared its head, and I was done with the stream. I was ready to keep going, to escape the heat by trudging out of it. I was done after I said "I love you too much to lose you." That was my breaking point.
However, we had no time to talk. And then when the war ended, I was so tired, so relieved, and so happy… I simply didn't want to stir up painful emotions. I knew you would come to me if you wanted to talk about it, and if not we could discuss it when all of the vacations were done.
I love you too, SPRX-77.
.
Don't worry about it, Sprx; after all, something like this is better explained in a letter, when you can get everything down and make sure it says what you want, instead of stumbling over the words when talking in real life.
Don't get me wrong, I still would like to talk about this in person, now that the hardest part is out of the way.
I love you. I eagerly await a reply or visit.
-Nova
P.S- My letter is so much shorter than yours…
Sprx smiled. It felt good to have written everything down and sent it, and even better to have read her reply. It was nice to know that she felt the same, and it was nice to know that the tallest hill was out of the way.
He checked his mail. Nothing new. He had no jobs, a fresh wad of cash, and now, the coordinates to Galaxia.
It was time to smooth out the rest of the road, and see what happiness awaited him at the end of it.