QUACK EXPERIMENTAL FANFICTION PRESENTS:
BUCKET O' PARODIES
Cat Came Back. Victim Number One
Ok, since my school is closed for a snow day, I have time to update!! I just want to remind you all that I have nothing against cats, in fact I have 2 of 'em. And I love them both. But one of them is very sick right now which is why I'm doing a bunch of cat-based fics. So these are dedicated to my kitty, Angel. Yes, he's a boy cat but my brother named him and my brother was very little when we got the cats so he randomly chose Angel. I named the other one. His name is Beck. Yeah enough of the cat-rambling. Just wanted to make sure that no one thought I hated cats due to this song and my previous catfic.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own FMA or the song "Cat Came Back".
CATCATCATCATCATCATCATCATCATCATCATCATCAT
Old Mister Johnson had troubles of his own He had a yellow cat which wouldn't leave its home; He tried and he tried to give the cat away, He gave it to a man goin' far, far away.
But the cat came back the very next day, The cat came back, we thought he was a goner But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away. Away, away, yea, yea, yea
Edward Elric, The FullMetal Alchemist had a problem. A BIG problem. The cat that Alphonse had picked up when they were in Central during Ed's fight with Mustang had returned. Yes, returned. Al had come in one day saying "Brother, Brother look at this! It's the cat I found back in Central!" Al had been ecstatic. But Edward couldn't have been more annoyed. Winry had come over to ask if she could use it in her cat Launcher, but Al had cried and screamed "NOOOOOOOO!" and ran away.
Ed sighed. No matter how many times he tried to give the thing away, it had just kept coming back. So, with his pen and paper, he set off to brainstorm ways to get the fluff ball out of his life.
The man around the corner swore he'd kill the cat on sight, He loaded up his shotgun with nails and dynamite; He waited and he waited for the cat to come around, Ninety seven pieces of the man is all they found.
But the cat came back the very next day, The cat came back, we thought he was a goner But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away. Away, away, yea, yea, yea
ed went up to old man Jenkins' house the next day. He paid him 500 cenz to shoot the cat next time he saw it. Mr. Jenkins agreed be cause he was a poor man that was going bald. So Mr. Jenkins went out and bought himself a brand new rifle. With brand new bullets. He waited for a while until 5:72 PM (hehe XD.. 5:72) which was the time that Alphonse let his cat out for a walk. Mr. Jenkins soon got tired of waiting, so he went inside to get a cup of coffee incase he was going to be there for a while. Then he stared at a picture of the deceased Mrs. Jenkins. Then he went back outside where he found the cat calmly strolling by. He ran towards the cat firing the bullets one after another. The cat turned around and looked at him.
The next morning, Ed went outside to ask Mr. Jenkins if he shot it. When he go there Mr. Jenkins was lying on the ground in 97 pieces. Poor old Mr. Jenkins. When he got back to his house, the cat was there licking milk from a bowl that Al gave him.
"ARGGGGGH!"
He gave it to a little boy with a dollar note, Told him for to take it up the river in a boat; They tied a rope around its neck, it must have weighed a pound Now they drag the river for a little boy that's drowned.
But the cat came back the very next day, The cat came back, we thought he was a goner But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away. Away, away, yea, yea, yea
Ed was miffed, very miffed. The stupid cat wasn't going away! He then saw a little boy who was taking his little friends up the river in a boat. Ed asked the boy to take the cat up the river far, far away. The boy happily agreed. He tied the cat to the boat hoping to drown it or something. He just wanted it out of his life. So the boy took off, down the long river. Ed walked back home hoping beyond all hopes that the cat was going to be lost forever.
Back on the boat, the little boy and his friends found a deep enough place to drown the cat. Before tossing the cat in, it looked at them one last time.
The next day, the newspaper read "Boy and Friends Drown In River" Ed, however was to stressed out to focus completely on the paper while Al sat in the next room happily petting the demon fluff ball.
He gave it to a man going up in a balloon, He told him for to take it to the man in the moon; The balloon came down about ninety miles away, Where he is now, well I dare not say.
But the cat came back the very next day, The cat came back, we thought he was a goner But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away. Away, away, yea, yea, yea
"Arggh, Alphonse why do you insist on keeping that thing?" Screamed Ed after yet another day of trying to get rid of the cat. "But, brother he's so cute and cuddly! Besides he was freezing. Why do you want him gone so much?"
"Because you know I hate cats Al!"
The next day:
"where are we going, brother?"
"To a hot air balloon."
"Really? I've always wanted to o on a hot air balloon!"
"Oh, we're not going, Al. The cat is." Ed had a plan. A master plan. He was going to give the cat to the man going up in the balloon. 'It's foolproof!' he thought.
So they watched the cat go, the cat being used as a sandbag. Al was in tears. Ed looked like he had completed Mission Impossible.
Meanwhile, 90 miles away…
"so, kitty, why would that boy want to give you away? And such a cruel thing to use you as a sand bag! Let me take you down." The cat looked up at him with pleading eyes as the man untied him.
Back in Resembool…
Ed and Al were outside picking apples for Pinako when they saw something come up the hillside.
Al jumped for joy shouting "KITTY! KITTY YOU'VE COME BACK TO ME!" while Ed attempted suicide.
On a telegraph wire, sparrows sitting in a bunch, The cat was feeling hungry, thought she'd like 'em for a lunch; Climbing softly up the pole, and when she reached the top, Put her foot upon the electric wire, which tied her in a knot.
But the cat came back the very next day, The cat came back, we thought he was a goner But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away. Away, away, yea, yea, yea
Ed was sitting at his desk when he noticed out the window that the cat was walking away. 'It's leaving? It's really leaving? This is the best day of my life!' he thought. But, the reason the cat went back out was he was hungry. And Pinako were out of town and Winry was out in town doing god knows what. So Ed was left to take care of "Stink Wad" as Ed had named it, much to Al's dismay. But the cat was already used to being called "Stink Wad."
But Ed had neglected to feed "Stink Wad" so he had gone out to find his own food. "Stink Wad" came to a telephone pole and started climbing up. When he stepped onto it, however, it electrocuted him and tied him in a knot.
When Al came home he saw "Stink Wad" tied up on the wire where he was trying to eat some birds.
"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
The cat was a possessor of a family of its own, With seven little kittens till there came a cyclone; Blew the houses all apart and tossed the cat around, The air was full of kittens, and not a one was ever found.
But the cat came back the very next day, The cat came back, we thought he was a goner But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away. Away, away, yea, yea, yea
The next week, as Ed was getting ready to hang himself, Al had found out that "Stink Wad" was a daddy! Yes, he had little baby kittens! Winry currently had 2 of them and she was training them to sit on a crossbow to be fired at unsuspecting pizza men and Adam Sandler if he ever jumped out at her like he did to Wrath. Al had the other 4 and was dyeing their hair orange so that he could name them Kyo, Kyo II, Kyo III, and Kyo IIII. (A/N: if you've never read Fruits Basket then you won't get the joke I just made.)
And "Stink Wad" was left in Ed's care. "ERGGGH! Damn it! Getting rid of this cat is harder than finding the philosopher's stone! Why won't you go away!" Ed sat in the corner crying and holding one of the beanie babies that Al got him. (A/N: see ch. 2: What I Bought On eBay)
But, later that night, a horrible tornado came. There was one of those cellar-type things under the Rockbell home that they all clambered into. But, there wasn't enough room for all of them.
So Ed, on impulse, kicked "Stink Wad", Kyos 1-4, and Paul II (see Ch. 3) out the cellar door (the same way he kicked Ling and Ran Fan out of the hotel room in that one chapter…). But then Al whacked him and had a cat launched at him by Winry. How she could fit the Cat Launcher in there is beyond me. There was a tiny window where they could see many things go whizzing by such as "Stink Wad", Kyos 1-4, Paul II, a cow, Rose and Noah who then smashed into the side of a building, farm stuff, Pinako, Adam Sandler, Dante and Envy who smashed into the building on top of the other 2, a chainsaw with a girl running after it shouting "NOOOO! My precious!", and many other things.
They took him to the butcher shop when the butcher was not around, They put him in the grinder where all the meat was ground It chopped and sliced until the cat gave a shriek; The whole town's meat was furry for a week.
But the cat came back the very next day, The cat came back, we thought he was a goner But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away. Away, away, yea, yea, yea
Once the tornado was gone, they all climbed outside just to find that "Stink Wad" Was snoozing on top of the roof. Al was so grateful that he had survived, but Winry was grieving the loss of her ammo. But Ed was taking it the worst. He had tried and tried to get the damned thing away from him but it kept coming back. Then he decided. He was going to chop it up himself. So he took it to Dublith too see Izumi. If it could piss her off enough she would surely kill it.
And that is just what it did. While it was there, it meowed something that sounded like "fat" to Izumi. Izumi then took her anger out on Ed thinking that he had put it up to the task. But then she swore she would kill the cat too. So she put it in her meat grinder and chopped it to smithereens. Then having witnessed its death himself, Ed, sporting many injuries from Izumi, made his way back home. But now all the meat tasted like fur. Bleah.
But it came back. Yes, it came back. Ed had never cried this much in his life. He cried more than he did when Barry the Chopper had almost killed him and Winry. He cried so much the house flooded. "Why…hic..Won't it just go AWAYYYYY?"
Just then, a knock at the door came. Al went and got it. When he opened the door, a man in a business suit was standing there.
"Hello." Said the man in a business-like tone. "I'm here for the cat-o-tron 5000. It's a new brand of robotic cat system that acts like a boomerang! It's indestructible and it won't ever run away! The cat-o-tron 5000 will always come back to you! And I seem to have lot my prototype have you seen it anywhere Armor-san?" he asked.
"Oh! Um yes, I have!" Al replied happy to give the man his cat back.
He handed the man his cat and the man looked extremely happy. "Oh, 'Tight Wad'! I was afraid I'd never see you again!"
'Tight Wad?' thought Al. 'Well, brother was close.'
Then the man left with his cat-o-tron 5000 and left the Rockbell home in peace.
"It's…gone? It's…really…gone?"
"Yes, Brother, it's really gone."
In Ed's mind, thousands oh Hallelujah bells were going off. But it didn't last long though. As they say, the cat came back.
CATCATCATCATCATCATCATCATCATCATCATCAT
Ok, folks, there's ch. 5! I know I said it wouldn't be done until Friday, but today was a snow day so I didn't have school. The "calling Izumi fat" thing was the idea of P.McTully; so go read her stories too. And check out her C2! I'm a staff member so if you see any good stories for it please let us know! Oh and please review. I've gotten so many hits on this story but very little reviews. I'm even allowing anonymous reviews. And review to show support for my poor kitty, Angel. He's the reason I'm making a lot of catfics. I've also had many people put this story on their favorites or alerts but even some of them don't review. I need to get some feedback to know how I am doing. Part 2 coming soon! Next Victim: Vato Falman!
AnimeAddict333, over and out.
Ps. To get to this story, you will need to search name categories Roy M. and Jean H. because those were the characters of the first chapter.
And no, these stories are not supposed to make much sense. It's humor/crack. Thanks!
All titles and slogans copyright 2007 of AnimeAddict333 and may not be used without her permission. Her Ideas for chapters may not be reproduced or used without her permission. Quack Experimental FanFiction belongs solely to AnimeAddict333 and the producers of Excel Saga. no one else may use this title.