Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals

by Great Pikmin Fan

Part of the "SBIG" series. It's a stupid, deliberatley badly written thing I made in a spinoff to another also deliberatley badly written fan fic I wrote before. Main plot's about the kids and trolls fighting the Felt, but the majority of the fan fic involves a bunch of sidequests with the citizens. Completed.

18. War Begins and Ends

Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals

Chapter 18: War Begins and Ends

Beginning AN:

Well, after nearly (but not quite) a month's worth of procrastination, I decided to try once more to get a head start on a season. Except now I'll try to try harder. I started on the tail end of Thursday the 13th of March. (The 13th oooh it's HUC all over again.) And with a planned due date of originally June 11th (of 2014)... that failed. Now, three months after the entire Great Typo Cleanup, and starting after I got the new chapter 8 of this out, I tried this up again. Let's see how this goes...

PRETTY IMPORTANT NOTE: I have since changed a lot of the first seventeen chapters some point between getting this one out and getting chapter 17 out. If you want more details, you can go to my Tumblr (I have a link to it in my profile) and search the tag "great-typo-cleanup." Anyway, some details (mainly relating to counterparts and the Crew's outfits, but I think there's some other changes as well) might be different here, and if things seem a bit... odd to follow, you can always re-read them. If you didn't start reading this until after this chapter came out, then you'll have no problems!

Also, this entire season... was pretty much finished by the time I posted this first chapter. But I'm still doing them once every three days, because you know, tradition when it comes to Crconikals installments. I know I don't really like tradition for tradition's sake as in King of the Hill, but... hey. It's not like this has a big following of people who want me to pump out chapters as soon as possible. Also this way instead of dumping out all chapters of this arc would ensure that I'll be able to put responses to reviews in the next chapter in only a few days in the event that someone actually does review. Instead of having to wait for when the seventh and final season comes out or something.

Disclaimer: The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert teenagers and one badass shark. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

---

Aranea sighed happily as she woke up in a hotel, looking to the viewers.

"Oh, um... Link dropped us off here yesterday at the end of the last season. This is a hotel from the Grand Canyon back to Chicago, and we stayed here for the night. And what a night that was! Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals spoilers, but a lot happened! Hitler died over night while we were asleep! Anyway, it's recap time."

She lept up and slipped off her pajamas and wrapped a bath robe over her naked self. Really if you were expecting her to not be nudity then are we reading the same story?

"Our endeavors with the jury forced upon us via the Troll Empress's dictator wrath ended with all of us scattered across the country, as previously mentioned. We managed to go back rather safetly: My group got on board a train, Nepeta continued steering her team across with a tank, the part of Rose's team that were still under her watch used Horuss's robotic horse creation, and Dirk's faction picked a more mundane alternative of the bus. John and Jade's route was far more complicated and they specifically took longer to get to Chicago, seated across the Earth instead of at different states, but this will be covered later in spite of the sequence being an earlier one chronologically.

"While all of them were comfortable with their methods of transportation, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny were observing the severed head of Death Mecha. Toying around with it too much caused it to send out a signal of Omega Drew Pickles letting any other Hitler Revival Groups know that their organization is in distress and needs others to come to their aid. Doc Scratch got this urgent message, not caring that it is after the entirety of Century has fallen to each of the Crew's teams, but instead being reminded of the thorns to his side since near the beginning of this tail. He sent most of his remaining members after the four primary returning groups. Our's, before encountering any threats, found the girl Porrim got into a small conflict at the library with again. Talking to her and sorting things out revealed that her name was Connie, and Porrim gave her a glow-bracelet that doubled as a contact phone. Any heartwarming would have anyway been negated with the reveal of Itchy tagging along our ride too. ...But Succubus took car of him. The other majorly-troll team likewise came across Doze... who was killed by Kanaya, and shortly after this they had a very rough encountering with my group. Dirk and co. faced off against Die, who was dealt in by a first attack from Meulin and a finisher from Roxy. Horuss would later finish off Crowbar while on Rose's team back to Chicago.

"Now for John and Jade, whose parts I have left vague as to try to keep as full of dicussing events in chunks as possible. They wandered the distant depths of London before encountering Dracula's shop of the strange, and getting a deal on fire, ice, and light scrolls. John would later major in studying fire while Jade would study ice, leaving the light towards Equius in the future. They hopped on a ride by Giant David Hasselhoff and reached New York without problem. Where there, our previous plane stolen by the Rainbow Sisters lands over due to poor driving skills. Using their elemental abilities to prevent a full-on conflict by intimidation, John and Jade got to re-take the plane and flew it back in their home city. It was here that more of Jade and John's pasts were discussed. John in particular was a former jock, and Jade was and still is a highly-studying scientist who got teased and trolled by John. John's own personality was far more trollish than his initial demeanor, and it was around this time that he let this drop. Also, Jade used to briefly work for the oldest of the six Rainbow Sisters. Before much of this was elaborated on was the more important matter that Jade used to live with a far bigger fraction of her family than she does now, until Rip Van Winkle and the Captain of the hidden Hitler Revival Group known as Millennium burned their manor. Rip was about to kill a now-seperated Jade, but Jade's crying reminded her of a hithero-unknown past incident of Rip's own. Rip decided to start thinking about changing her life around for the better, and Jade decided to be even less dependant than she already was. Nearing their city, a fateful hijack and battle with the previous Xenomorph we killed from Rufioh's quest ensued, which got the Rainbow Sisters out of the way as they had to take Red to the hospital.

"After finally making it back and reuniting with the rest of us, John proposed to launch another attack on the Felt. Though they have since turned their apartment into the dangerous and dungeon-like Felt Tower. Rose agreed after hiring our ancestors and their guardians, collectively the first generation, into the Rainbow Crew as full and official members. Yet on a seperate squad, to not join our squad unless absolutely necessary. With all this prepared, the next morning the second generation decided to go for a straight-on assault against Doc Scratch directly...

"Just to get sent in a trap and getting knocked out almost immediately. Gas knocked all of us out, our awakening revealing us to now be at the mercy of the next Felt enemy: Stitch. He attempted to kill John just to have a heroic manuver from Rufioh both spare the human's life and free the troll's status. Said troll ended up taunting the leprechaun into altering the entire squad's biological sex, but retreated away and left us with flipped biology even if thankfully away from the trap. We fell down another trap, but thankfully a past ally - Ichigo - was there sealing up the remains of the Felt's own troubles. Specifically, a portal to Hell. Yet all he did was seal it up, and only after the ghost of Homer Simpson made his appearance. With the power to annihilate living flesh and dead spirits alike and at once. Putting his light-studied magic to use, especially after a previous failing with Scratch, Equius fired a light-enchanted arrow he had crafted from spare parts lying around, which did a curious transformation on the ectomeanace. The arrow locked the soul inside of it for a brief moment while the light purified it, erasing the odd alien Simpsonian trait and making a completely new ghost altogether. That used the arrow as the body, which transformed into a more trolloid shape. I mean, humanoid, since the result looks a lot more like a human than a troll even though it's a plant fairy. Technically an alrune but uh... try not to tell him that. Trust me, this might come up in the actual story. This new man was Hank Hill, and he had the power to heal most troubles with a given person, thankfully including our sex-swapping, but only once per person, and coincidentally coming with the power of free sex-swapping and gender-swapped alternates designated counterparts. This was all achieved through a song called the Ballad of Duality, which we quickly learnt then played. And thanks to the doubling of our team members, the weighted ground of this basement floor was triggered and we were set free. We also learnt the human counterpart's names shortly after leaving the manor after this, but I'll lump them with the troll counterparts for convenience.

"Later that day, we prepared another assault, but an encounter with Cans resulted in a major cave-in. It was here that we learnt of the majority of the counterparts, and all of them and the 'original' second-gen members in a sudden death game of Strip Spin the Bottle Truth or Dare. The details of that game were magical. Truly not something that can be summed in words. And will not be recapped directly. Yeah, that's right, you can't just go here for finding out any 'important' developments. You have to read the damn chapter yourself. Anyway, counterpart details: John's is named Jean, Jade's is Jude, Rose's is Ross, Dave's is Dove, Jane's is Joan, Jake's is Jaky, Roxy's is Rory, Dirk's is Dian, Aradia's is Ardion, Damara's is Domoni, Tavros's is Tavass, Rufioh's is Rufiye, Sollux's is Sliiou, Mituna's is Mitchl, Karkat's is Karkta, Kankri's is Kiriki, Nepeta's is Netimp, Meulin's is Yeulin, Kanaya's is Kanayo, Porrim's is Porsiv, Terezi's is Tezlom, Latula's is Latlin, Vriska's is Virkso, mine is Aramin, Equius's is Equisa, Horuss's is Haerus, Gamzee's is Gamsis, Kurloz's is the also creatively-named Kursis, Eridan's is Erdini, Cronus's is Cromie, Feferi's is Fefian, and Meenah's is Mannah. Fwew! Our winner of that game - spoilers of the awesomeness, Porsiv - would take all of our clothes, even his own, and roll them up in a large ball which took out all of the remaining Felt mooks and kill them. You also finally got the chance to meet all of our lusii, though not individually. They and the first generation came to our aid midway through the game. I would like to keep the counterpart's incredibly deep characterizations secret and give as little character-wise as possible outside of their names, to keep within recap spirit, but this doesn't really count so I'll say it: due to a strange limitation of the Ballad of Duality, Karkat and Kankri's counterparts did not have the bright red mutation that hindered the powers of their true caste inflicted upon them, and thus had pure lime blood which held great power. Which seems like an odd upside that might look like a downside at a quick glance. (I know I elaborated on the guardians and ancestors a little in my previous recap, but let's just say my standards for and understanding of storytelling have grown since then already.)

"With a heroic mark, we set the lusii and the first generation to stay back, but this was a final trap on Scratch's part for this story arc. He destroyed the bridge leading to his confrontational room, sending all of us plunging into his pool which teleported everyone who made contacted with it out into the middle of the Grand Canyon. There lied a final (for now) opponent Scratch had up his sleeve: A bizarre creature that he calls his dog, named Stickdawg. But it sure as hell doesn't look like a dog- anyway. I digress. This creature was sentient and ate the Vitamin Scratch that Meenah had left by her dungeon from a previous encounter. With Karkta and Kiriki now providing lime blood and finishing the ideal hemospectrum of Karkat's plan with the rare Cherub blood he obtained far back in season two.

"Let's get back to a previous event elaborating on the guardians. Half were revealed the previous chapter, the other half in the one before that. John's Nan is Beth, Jade's Pa is Dean, Rose's Mom is Lily, Dave's Bro is Dale, Jane's Pop is Harl, Jake's Ma is Kate, Roxy's Sis is Vlie, and Dirk's Dad is Burt. In the past, Nan/Beth's house had gotten the presense of the earlier mummy fought back in the Peach Creek swamp, but this was taken care of swiftly. They also reveal to have a highly active, very complex and odd eight-way sexual relationship. Which cannot be healthy for their respective descendants. The ancestors, meanwhile, had a bit of a similar yet different tale. Ahem, all names revealed in this chapter I am describing: Aradia's ancestor Handmaid is named Maiden; Damara's, Succubus, is Limort; Tavros's, Summoner, is Pavlig; Rufioh's, Inflamed, is Minour; Sollux's, Ψiioniic, is Kumush; Mituna's, Electric, is Kutrii; Karkat's, Signless, is Silini; Kankri's Vocalist, is Bokeah; Nepeta's, Disciple, is Aurink; Meulin's, Huntress, is Evinte; Kanaya's, Dolorosa, is Phixtn; Porrim's, Medicman, is Peyhid; Terezi's, Redglare, is Magkon; Latula's, Sk8oardr, is Aptrin; Vriska's, Mindfang, is Bezedu; mine, Karmagal, is Luetis; Equius's, Darkleer, is Glavzi; Horuss's, Gearbone, is Ferrum; Gamzee's, Highblood, is Itsdra; Kurloz's, Scalper, is Kuddle; Eridan's, Dualscar, is Ruscet; Cronus's, Unithorn, is Potale; Feferi's, Condesce, is Kemine; and Meenah's, Fuchsian, is Adenya. Fwew! Seriously, Great Pikmin Fan, is that it with the names? Yes? No? Make up your damn mind. People already think my group of trolls is overkill, and then you introduce these counterparts and try to make the ancestors as different from us as possible, not to mention half of these aren't even canon and this isn't getting into all the shit you did with the humans- no. Digressing again. Anyway, to sum it in brief for once, the ancestors had been brought to action by the movement of a past enemy, as with the guardians. In their case, it was the Waterwraith, who absorbed Fuchsian's flying ship and turned into the Plasm Wraith. But it was already thought to be dead by the ancestors.

"But rewinding slightly, Karkat had finished his ultimate project: The Hemoshield, which enabled him to tap into the most powerful abilities of a respective cast. Thanks to the Cherub blood reinforcing, it gains the user (any user, not just Karkat. Keep this in mind) these blood-powers in the first place and it's almost completely indestructable. With this, Karkat used the fuchsiablood powers to drain Stickdawg's chakra and use the purpleblood 'nightmare' powers to eventually help with Stickdawg's defeat and death. Which was done through a very long and complicated attack that sent his head launched through the air, eventually making it to Doc Scratch and letting him know that his beloved pet is now deceased. But before the horse mecha could once again be used as a quick mode of transportation, the Plasm Made appeared. The fight... was divided between us originals and our counterparts, each of us wanting to try to see how much better we could do than the other team. Think of it as your stereotypical battle of the sexes cartoon episode, but much less completely fucking retarded. This was basically a tie I think, and then something finally blew up this ghostly creature. But it's still not dead. The bomber was the only new non-Felt villain of the arc, a... teenish I guess, character who calls himself Rocket Blaster. Sollux hacked into his jetpack and made him fly off, swearing revenge at the Rainbow Crew.

"The first generation attempted to gain up on and finish off Scratch, but as unluck would have it Horuss's mecha horse summoning saved him. While it cleared the short distance between the treehouse and the Felt Tower, Scratch hopped aboard and rode it all the way to the Grand Canyon, while none of the first gen even bothered to just, I don't know... fly after him? God, what's up with this shit!?" Aranea sighed. "The hologram of the overseer of all Hitler Revival Groups, who I previously gave away as Hitler himself, made an appearance to insult Doc Scratch on their way there. Once Scratch arrived, and the Crew thought they got their ride back, Hitler likewise insulted the Crew too. After the second failure of Equius using a light arrow to finish off Scratch, he took Vitamin Scratch and hijacked the robotic mecha. The horse was taken, leaving us stranded once again. Except we were all gathered here, by the same location, together- well... except for the first generation and technically the interns but nobody really counts the interns. We were all still naked the entire time, the whole second generation, but since got dressed when Link showed us this hotel, as I mentioned earlier.

"Anyway, that's season five, or at least as much as I can explain. And if you thought that was a shitload, I have some bad news for you. But look at the bright side: At least you get a big break between now and the next recap!"

Suddenly, the Troll Empress (the Rainbow blood woman not the Feferi or Meenah's ancestor that's boringly used) broke into the room!

CHAPTER XVIII

---

"Hello there, brave soldiers." TE said. "I heard this is where the legendary Rainbow Crew is hiding out, no?"

"Um... sort of." Aranea said. "We're taking a small trip back to Chicago, we've stopped here."

The other Crew members were, indeed, in the bedroom. But it was kind of crowded since how else do you have 64 people in one room? Make a bigger room? That would be bad house planning, and there is no way OSHA could allow that!

"Did you know about this apartment?" Aranea continued. "It's a fine Nebraskain settlement where-"

"And you live in Chicago, right?" The Empress said, "Well then, you should probably recommendedly head the other direction instead, because I recommend to enlist in this war! The location? That oil rig off of Santa Monica!"

"I'm sorry," Rose stood up, "But give us some privacy and we may have accepted your offer."

"Pfft. You silly idiots do know that you can't add and drop having a concept of privacy whenever you feel like it! Come on. Our first wave will be sent out in three days... iiiiif I feel like it, you guys might come sooner."

"Oh thanks God." John said, with a sigh and falling back on a bed. "I was getting a little tired of doing everything one day after another. I feel like I can finally rest. For longer."

"This is optional." said the Empress, "But if you join, I'll give you a lot of money!"

"Still no deal." Said Rose, getting nods from just about everyone else.

"Ok."

She was about to turn and leave, before Jade stood up and pointed at her. "Hey! Weren't you the one who sent us on a mission to get a jury for no reason? Aside from having a ton of lab rats to use while this dumb robot of yours kills people? Like the judge? Or Integra of Hecksing?"

"Guilty! But... maybe this will change your mind? If I give you all the cash?"

"No."

"In fact," Rory added, before he jumped up and starting aiming after the Troll Empress, "DIE!"

He whipped out his Ichigo Katana, but then the Empress simply blocked it with one finger. Just like Bleach!

"You got training from Ichigo... impreessive." She said, just as Link ran up behind her. "Oh, and for assaulting me, it's mandatory for all men to join. I'm not saying that because one of your men attacked me. Seriously, I'm only drafting all men because I was going to only accept men for drafting anyway. Should Rose or someone attack me instead, and all the men would be fucked anyway!"

Porrim stood up and crossed her arms. "Excuse me? Why?"

"Well, because it's part of the drafting tradition! And you don't want to abolish tradition, do you?"

"I abolished my own tradition of being a retard in my last visit to LA county. I don't really like sticking to my own past. That's why I had tattoos and piercings when we first met. Because I didn't before."

Porrim continued, looked at the ground and frowned. "It... made sense back when I was ignorant. Just like how this makes sense to you. Because you're a little ignorant."

"Okay, how about the fact that the men are sort of more biologically capable of being at war? They are, on average, stronger and more durable and better at sports after all!"

"But-"

"Hey, I'm drafting half of you no matter what, okay? You do not piss off the Troll Empress!"

"This is mutual." Rory said. "Because the Troll Empress is also pissing off me. First you send two of our friends out on a time-eating quest just to play a part of your game, threatening them with death, and now this?"

Link walked into the room and yanwed. "Hey did I hear Ichigo? I hate that guy. ...What? Why are you staring at me? Remember, I took the portal to the Grand Conyon too, I neeed a way back home. Why direct you guys to one hotel and bother looking for a completely new one for myself? And yes, I live in Chicago too. Ooh, Troll Empress... I see... heated discussion. I'll leave."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm a bad guy by your standards. Two words. I don't bear the last name Badguy, as scary as that would be. Anyway, I hope to see you by the beach in three days, otherwise, your legs will be broken and you will be dragged there! Oh, and you can't just gender-bend yourself. Your birth sex only, motherfuckers!"

She threw a smoke bomb down, and vanished.

"Son of a bitch!" Rose cried, "If there's one person who pisses me off more than Naruto... wait a minute... we didn't meet Naruto until after the mission by that bitch... what if... Naruto and the Troll Empress are related? Or even the same person?"

She stopped herself to see Porrim clenching her fists together.

"Why must we be shrouded in so many double standards?" Porrim said.

"I think I can answer that." Rose said, "You see, people are dicks. Procrastinating dicks. The two options that will probably make you happy are either: Nobody gets the draft, or everybody gets the draft. The first? Pfft, when pigs fly through a frozen Hell for a ton of reasons. All of them being, people are dicks and want the draft. The second? It's not that big of a movement. Why should women protest that they be at a risk of getting forcefully pulled into a war? What do men have anything to gain from it? The starting law came from sexism, and it's not changing because nobody has anything to gain from changing it. And they only care about changes that they gain from because, once again, people are dicks. I'd compare it to the Simpsons but that's just too much even by my standards. I'm a dick too: See, instead of trying to change the law, I'm sitting on my ass and doing nothing but eating and watching Futruama."

"Oh, yeah, it's on right now." Said Virkso. "I was so entranced by my own MP3 Player that I didn't even notice. Yeah. 'Godfellas.' I love that episode. Too bad it's not 'War is the H Word' because that would be appropriate to our situation."

"It's a bad standard reminiscent of the older times for your race." Said Porrim. "And the older times of our race, back when the purplebloods ruled everything before this... horrible, rainbow-blooded asshole took over. It's like the extreme end of a kitchen joke."

"What are you going to do about it? Make a fillibuster about it? Nobody's going to be interested. I doubt anyone listened to my paragraph earlier, and I said the word 'dicks' a lot. People like things related to penises." Rose shrugged. "Even I don't really care about it."

"Make a movement."

Everyone stared at her.

"Oh, and unless you can get all of the Rainbow Crew's men un-drafted or us drafted, I am hereby unnofficially drafting every single one of you ladies into the war too! This is important! This will be way more dangerous than trying to get a... whatever Solid Snake is, on a date with a bird... orphan... whatever Samus Aran is! I will not just let you sit there while half of us are at the highest risk of dying! War is a terrible thing and I will not let my friends do it alone!"

"War sure is, brah." Said Porsiv. "In fact, I read somewhere, on the internet, once, that, like... if you kill a lot of people... you're a badly written character. Mind blowing, right?"

"So you would rather have the chance to be randomly drafted into the war?" Rose asked, "I mean... you're one of the lucky ones!"

"Meh." Ross said, "What the hell can you do about it? I don't think anyone here wants to willingly go on this suicide mission."

Porrim took a breath in, turned into smoke (which slipped out of her pajamas but it was her RC outfit, the same sexy exotic erotic see-through stuff, anyway), and floated up. When she formed into something else, that something else was a giant mass of jade blood everywhere that pushed everybody else out the window, and grabbed them with rainbow drinking tentacles, and held them up in the air! Porrim's naked self formed from this mass, but it was in an art way not a porn way. She was obviously in her rainbow drinker look with white skin and yellow eyes, and speaking of eyes the jade blood everywhere made a lot of them. And mouths. Not noses or ears because that doesn't look scary it looks dumb.

"I CAN GO ALUCARD BADGUY ON YOUR ASSES LIKE THAT!"

She snapped her "her" fingers (quotes because familiars I'm not trying to imply Porrim is secretly a man or something why would I do that), followed by thousands of other fingers formed from the blood mass thanks to her advanced vampire powers..

"Aw shit." Said Cronus, "I forgot you can do that."

"Porsiv!" John shouted, "You're her counterpart! Talk some sense into her! Or turn into another giant mass of blood and fight her, that would be cool."

"Sorry brother." He said, "But I think... um... only because everyone that's drafted has a counterpart, that us counterparts should assist another when in a time of need, if they can. It's a yin-yang type of deal. And they can so... sorry. I hope you like the idea of Jean trying to come along with you!"

"Okay okay okay!" Rose said, "We'll unwillingly willingly join the war so that we can assist our unwillingly unwilled half of the Crew who were forced to join unwillingly thanks to one of our members being pissed at another unwilling mission, and then after that we'll even join your little group to make unwillingly joining the war legal for women."

"THAT LAST PART WASN'T PART OF THE DEAL AND I DO NOT LET ROSE SPEAK FOR ALL OF US WHEN SHE SAYS THAT." Terezi said.

"I'm the Rainbow Crew leader. Leader's orders- nah I'm just fucking with you. Do whatever you want."

"No, you don't have to." Porrim said, shrinking back into her normal form and even recoloring herself the normal way. She was still naked. She also brought everybody back into their room instead of hanging four stories high from the hotel. "But you should! It'll be fun!"

"LEADER'S. OR- no, you're right. I don't have to do it. And I don't want to. Sorry, Porrim, you're on your own."

Sollux leaned over to a portion of the crowd that had a lot of ex-Alphas trolls.

"Can somebody who is not Aranea or her counterpart tell me what the hell happened while you were in LA, and why Porrim's suddenly smart?"

---

(The Treehouse)

"So... now what?" Rose asked.

Kanaya held up some streamers and shrugged. "Well, when I appear to have fallen into knee-deep shit, I like to decorate."

The phone rang. It went to answering because let's say the Crew had caller ID, and you'll figure it out with this paragraph. "I CHANGE MY MIND!" It was the Troll Empress. "MEN ARE GETTING DRAFTED TOMORROW! AND MY 'FIRST WAVE' WON'T EVEN FUCKING BE THERE! DEAL WITH IT BY YOURSELVES!"

So they built up the house for about a day and then took a trip to the LA beach the next morning.

---

(Santa Monica Peir)

The morning was fresh and the dew smelled like cottonwood wafting through the arousal. I got that description from the King of the Hill Alamo episode. I think. There may be some innacurasies but deal with them.

"Welcome, welcome, hello!" Said the Troll Empress. "Good afternoon! Er... nope, sorry! Morning! I meant to say morning!"

"Hey," Porrim said, "Some of my co-workers have a little somethings to say..."

"No we don't!" Roxy joked. The Troll Empress put a hand to her chin, and went "Hm."

"Hmmmm..." She said, "You're trying to draft them, aren't you?"

"What?" Asked Porrim.

"Aha! Crazy minds think alike!" Troll Empress said, which pissed Porrim off to no end!

"I'm not crazy!"

"And none of you ladies will join the war, either! It has to be willingly! So unless you can come up with some big speech, your friends aren't going if they have vaginas before the magic, or were formed by magic like the counterparts! And you aren't going no matter what! Because I don't like you already! You specifically piss me off!"

Porrim turned to the crowd.

"Forget it." Kanaya said. "Nothing you say will turn around my emotions to give up my life."

"Oh," Troll Empress added, "And I have non-fighting soldiers patrolling a little circle around the oil rig. It was to keep regular boat owners from accidentally driving into the war zone, but I can also command them to prevent you from bringing your own boats in. Yep." As she said this, a bigass red ship was going towards her. "I truly see anything and everything that comes out of the sea."

"THEN SEA THIS!"

That was not a typo for once, that was the Condesce making a fish pun! Because she was here! On the big red ship, along with the other guardans and ancestors! Condesce jumped off the boat, and gave her a pissed off glare, and punched her in the gut! The Rainbow Crew cheered because Take That Scrappy! The Empress was punched so badly that blood of twelve different colors came from her gums and they mixed together like paints into black. It was colorful until it just became black then it looked weird like ink and uncreative and monochomatic.

"Oof!" TE said.

"Now," said Condess, "Let me explain to you her backstory. Since that was classified until I decided to screw it, so this is why in the event that this is a story I can explain it right now." Hahaha yes I am getting into tropes, and this one is called Ass Pull I think.

---

(There are Maybe Too Many Flashbacks, but this is a plot detail so it is important)

"You see," narrated the Condesce, "We trolls were at first at war with an even deadlier race. No, not the Cherubs. The Zergizocks! They were better than us! And they hated women! We needed a good weapon.!"

We saw a fleet of airships looking like the ones Bowser uses, and that wwas the inspiration for him like the Nazis were inspiration for the Storm Troopers. The airships blashed some random fantrolls to death, and the camera zoomed in on the driver! They looked like Xenomorphs, but green and with these weird looking hair and plant-flower things coming out from them so that I don't get sued by compyright infringement for Alien.

"WE MUST FIGHT BACK THE ZERGIZOCKS!" Shouted the current emperor of the trolls, who went by Emperor F. The F stood for Fuchsia, because remember these guys are racist and he was a fuchsia blood. Anyway, that still counts for the 8 ancestor rule right?

Then he ran away from the airship attack and to the White House except because these are trolls it was not a white house but a tyrian house. But it looked like the white house just the color as Feferi's blood.

"I must make a plan... THOSE TROLLS KILLED BACK THERE WERE ACTUALLY AN ELITE ARMY THAT WE HIRED! AND THEY WERE POWERLESS TO STOP THEM!"

"PS," Condesce broke in from the present, "This took place a shitload of sweeps 'fore I was born."

"Even the strongest of us trolls cannot do a thing! So we must do stronger! Any ideas?"

He looked around but found nobody except his lusus, a cricket-thing, chirping. Then he laughed.

"Oh right this is a dictator, I don't have any one else here to give me ideas."

Then he jumped up on the desk, and pointed his hand up. "SO I MUST COME UP WITH ONE OF MY OWN!"

Then he looked around and frowned.

"Wow. I can't get laid, but I think I know the answer after hearing myself. Maybe if I make sex a requirement for trolls, or else they will die..."

Then Emperor F ran to his lab and thought, finally comming up with an idea of his own. He lifted up twelve synringes, each of a different blood color.

"Back when limebloods were not hunted to extinct and fucshiabloods were a bit more than the ruler and their successor before they died of stupidity and thus dictator instead of the monarchy of the past, I - er... the Fuschia Rebublicans - had sent out a team composed of one of each cast, including Fuschia but except Lime, to kill the limebloods. They were specially picked, ranked the top out of their colors. And I only did one of each because they were all much more extreme than any others of their blood colors. Seriouslly, it was like they themselves were genetic experiments. I had samples of their blood kept in these syringes. Anyway, the last limeblood left alive was also pretty damn good. So I had one of mine take the blood from her. All 12 of these people are all dead. Now, I know the limes are too powerful, but maybe I can make one little exception. I shall maybe revive the limeblood race, by doing this!"

"As you know," Condesce said, "That part worked. He successfully revived the limeblood race with this crap. He also kept us Condies from dying out from stupidity... sort of. Me, Fuchsian, and our descendants are currently the last ones left, since it's a bit trickier to get fuchsia reproduction. Let's just say that TE had a very successful sex life."

And then he put them on evenly spaced parts in a circle with the Matriorb in center-field, and then he turned on a machine! A circle of electricity ran that all of the samples of blood were connected by, then they broke out of their needles, and all flew over to the matriorb! But instead of entering it, Emperor F typed some things, and though it visibly looks kind of the same unless you look out for cues, the blood shifted thanks to stem-cell research into the troll genetic material. And THAT all went into the orb at different angles. Then he kept typing, and told to the reader,

"Normally when trolls mate and create a slurry, the genetics intermix, and the genes all just kind of fight eachother at first. Even in the fluhed mixes. But you see, while some genes may agree with eachother, blood color is one of them that certainly does not. Usually, one of them just comes up top as it's "stronger" and that determines the blood. Sometimes, the gene might mutate, but usually the mutation is much weaker and it is beaten and loses the fight. However, if I use mad science, then the blood colors will get along instead of fighting, and thus we can keep all of the genes in all of the super warriors archived within this project!"

The matriorb stated glowing, and Emperor F drove back to Alternia and placed the orb into the brooding caverns!

"I hope my plan actually worked. For a second there it just felt like I was typing in random buttons. This is the first time I did something like this. Anyway, have fun." He started rubbing his chin, "Now... about that rule to make mandatory pailing."

---

(In the Future, but still in the flashback (the out-flashback is considered the present, not the future))

The Troll Empress stopped being a wiggler and pupated into a human-looking thingg now. She walked out of the brooding caverns as a baby and saw an Imperial Drone.

"I am the Imperial Drone that killed Emperor F for not getting laid. However, then I looked at his documents and saw that he apparantly made you. Based on your rainbow-colored genetals I know I have the right person. I'm not sure if this counts as him fulfilling the reproduction, but it feels a little guilty that you could have had a famous ancestor. And also, since there are no rainbow blooded lusii, you would have been raised by yourself. And that's no way for an empress."

She just sucked her thumb.

"You, I, and Emperor F have a really weird relationship. He made you, then I was just some random dude who killed him, and now I have more of a porpose in being your caretaker, to avenge his death. Sort of. Also, I'm wanted now."

He showed her a wanted sign. It showed a dark picture of an imperial drone's face, with 'WANTED: THIS IMPERIAL DONE. NOT ANY OTHER IMPERIAL DRONE, THIS ONE. HE KILLED OUR EMPEROR.' and shrugged. "I don't see why though. This was his idea. Anyway, I'm on the run and it would be more fun if I had someone with me. So I'm raising you! I will be like the Kamek to your Bowser, except they didn't exist yet and will not for a long time."

She began crawling up his leg.

"Ah, being the future of the society's secret weapon and carrying the last of both the fuschia and lime bloods sounds like a lot of pressue. WELL DEAL WITH IT, 'CUZ YOU'RE A TROLL, AND LIFE WILL ONLY GET EVEN HARDER FROM HERE ON OUT! So I am going to ADD pressure! According to his notes, Emperor F only wanted you to be some weapon, locked up in dungeons! You're too cute for that! With your big bug eyes with advanced 2x2fold and 8x8fold, and your little gills, and your baby butt, I can't! It tears me a new one just thinking about you growing up only to become a weapon! So I shall try to loophole you into becoming the new empress! In fact, that's your name, Troll Empress! First name 'Troll,' last name 'Empress!'" By this point, TE was on his head and biting on his helmet thing. Her teeth cut through the metal. "Fuck the 6-6 naming system!"

"When she was only around eight sweeps old," Condesce continued, "She was able to clear out huge warships. It looked like this:"

She was now dressed in a black version of your military uniform, but with no sign because back then neither of them thought of one yet, and held one hand out with great force. Then, kind of like airbending except not, psychic waves of her powers (this time, all of the blood colors had them, even violent and fuschia) pushed entire airships backward! The Zergizocks driving them held up white flags, and the rest of the troll race cheered.

"WE SHOULD MAKE TROLL EMPRESS INTO THE TROLL EMPRESS!" One of the stand by-ers said.

The sea dwellers looked at eachother and shrugged. "Well yeah, because our system of having all of the violetbloods lead at once SUCKS! We need dictatorship again! In fact, Troll, you will become our empress now! And the fact that you have all of the other colors ADDS to the fuschia blood, and because maroon plus tyrian plus lime plus indigo plus purple plus blue plus green plus... aw, fuck it, you're like 12+11+10+9 etc on the hemospectrum scale! So that puts you above the fuschia bloods!"

The king of the Zergizocks fell down and got into the same bowing pose that Dr. Willy did in Mega man. Oh hey I almost forgot Mega Man was in this story before!

"Please! Forgive me!" He said, "Have mercy! I will do no more kitchen jokes!"

"NO! In fact, just to show to no longer mess with the troll race, I demand everybody to, at once, "comit genocide on the Zergizocks!"

"You see, a troll's brain is partially influenced by the same genes that determine their blood color." Two guesses as to who said this. Hint: It's the Condesce. "Now TE has different blood colors running through her at once. That's sort of how being a rainbowblood works. Or... THE rainbowblood, she's the only one of them ya'll. And so her brain is getting mixed signals since she has different colors flowing to different areas, and the colors change to the area and she's... well, it made her really unstable. And mood-shifting. A lot. So then she did suceed in getting the army to wipe out the Zergizocks, partly 'cuz she did half of the work all by hrerself. She also did other cool things. Like fighting Alucard Badguy while he was at a meeting with thsi weird gal Rose Quartz."

---

(End Flashback)

"Holy shit that sounds pretty cool!" John said, "How did her fight with Mr. Badguy and whoever Quartz is go?"

"Well all I can tell you 'fore the time is that Quartz wanted no part in the fight, since she... ugh, saw good in the Troll Empress. Ya' see, Rose Quartz was kind of a hippie. Anyway, you have a war to get to, or not since I'll try to beat this Empress to death!"

"Oh, yeah, about that." Rose said, "I thought you were older than the Troll Empress, yet you said that she was the last tyrianblood alive even though she was more one twelfth of it."

"The group that encountered me didn't tell you? I lied about my age. It is common human female steroetype that they make themselves try to seem younger, not lolicon young but in her 20s. Well for trolls the stereotype is the other way around. Because if they think I am older, it makes me seem wiser. I'm really about the same age as all of these other ancestor guys. Including Fuchsian."

"Hrm."

Suddenly, the Empress pulled out her main weapon; a taser. (Oh shit why didn't I think of that during chapter 13 when the trolls got their new weapons?) She then tased the Condesce, and to keep this story realistic she pissed herself since I think that always happens when you get electrocuted.

"Dammit!" HIC shouted, not to be confused with HHC or HUC becuase that's a story not a person. "Now I have to shower this off and clean my... oh right I forgot I was only wearing a trident. Well I still have to re-Polish that!"

The Troll Empress laughed as Condesce walked offf to get rid of the piss on her legs. "Now that she'll be gone, I am the indesputable legal ruler here! And I legally force you to boat your asses over to the oil rig! By the way, male guardians and ancestors too. Unless these guys contacted you, you might not know this, but you're drafted too."

Then, Fucshian dropped down from the ship! Because it did contain all of the ancesters after all.

"Hold on! I'm the other tyrian blood! Maybe I can fix this! Oh, and my sling bikini is made of rubber, I prepared this in advance and buyed a new one that just looks alike, so if you shock me, it won't do a thing!"

Then TE got pissed off! "I HAVE HAD IT! Ok so maybe my legal reign will finally come to a close soon! But fuck it, you're wearing out my pateints and the chapter is getting too long! It's time to do this illegally! This wasn't really a draft since that's not how drafting works, but it's a kidnapping instead! I need all RC Men! All RC men only!"

"Fuck you!" Jean got by John's side. "We Crewians will always stick together! You will not just boat up half of us, the other half will jump on and-"

Then she used her second weapon! A smoke bomb filled with knockout gas! The entire Rainbow Crew, and their guardians and ancestors, all fell down! But not the Troll Empress since she had quickly whipped on a gas mask. The Condesce walked back.

"Yo polishing this didn't take that much time and I just kinda washed out the urine on me by taking a small swim so- hey... woah... why does it smell like 420 in here?" And then she passed out from the smoke. The Troll Empress laughed.

---

(It's War)

In the ocean, that same shark that both ate Wiggim in here and stole Carl's musket from Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals got up from the water and laughed.

"Well mate... it looks like Aradia Megido is on here too... except she looks a littlle more like a man. Meh. I don't care. She should know by now that patrollin' my turf isn't such a hot idea. Especially since, as my buddy who Cronus saw mauling some guy earlier, some of Aradia's little friends have been in here while I was vacationing in the ocean between the United Kingdoms of London and the USA. The Atlantic Ocean, for those that don't know. Anyway, with my new musket that punishes all without distinction, I, Jaws the Shark, shall have my... REVENGE!"

It was Jaws the Shark! And he laughed until this boat kncoked him on the head and seemed to kill him. His blood attracted sharks which no wait that's cannibalism.

"Urgh..." John, on the boat, rubbed his head. "What happened."

He noticed he was stuck in a military uniform! And a helmet! "Oh god, somebody changed my clothes! They saw me naked! I hope it wasn't the empress! No wait I'm like naked half the time anyway I'm not bothered."

He heard crying, and turned to see Jude there, weaping by the boat's edge thing. He also looked up and saw that they were about halfway to the Oil Rig. Thanks to a spell caused by the shark, there was a swirling cloud of darkness over them, and it was raining, even though the rest of the area was sunny in the day. (No not cartoon physics since I hate those. It was caused by a weather machine, let's just say that.) It looked kind of cool.

John looked around and saw more of his fellow Rainbow Crewians. But just the guys. But at least the guardians and ancestors too.

Jude began cowering even more once the boat got into the rainy part, despite Pa's courage giving to him. But John put a hand on his shoulder and gave him a light nudge.

"It'll be ok." He said. "We'll be fine. We survived worse stuff. Like um... is Stickdawg worse?"

"thirty seconds guys." Netimp said, because this was a really fast boat. "Nice knowing you."

Jake and Joan leaned up to the front door-like edge thing, pressing themselves on the side.

"I am particularly ready mate!" Jake said, "This is just another, if maybe bigger adventure!"

"These guys are nuts." Was Joan's imput. "Like me. It's a fair ground."

Then the door opened. It wasn't that bad at first. The Oil Rig was very rusty though. Karkat jumped out from the front door thingy and looked around.

"HMM..." he said, "I don't see anybody here! God, this mission is such a waste! If it were up to me I would-"

Then he was shot a lot of times by a baragge of bullets! It was the Sharkweaks, get it a pun of Shark Week but the weak is because they're like the Goombas of Jaw's minions yet still pack a punch to the Crew! He was shot several times everywhere except the head, but that happened later with a swift bullet hit that sent him flying backwards into the ocean. He was dead. Oh and his hand was holding the hemoshield but that was shot out far into the ocean.

"RUN!" John cried.

All of the trolls who were origianlly part of the Alphas ran out into their combatting stances. Domoni using his super needles I think with a "YEAH EAT MY PRIVATES! Get it, it's a military pun", Rufioh spinning around and using tornado excecution moves shouting "I GOT THIS GOOD BROS...", Mituna's blue-red powers with "DIE YOU FUCK-FUCKERS", etc. Aramin, however, did not have as many powers, and only said "Wait, what was my role-" so he too was shot and forced to join Karkat in joining him as a lifeless body in the seas.

The rest of them who weren't dead or A1 ran behind a metal bar like pussies.

"Now what? Um... I'm getting desperate for ideas so... Eridan?" John said.

"I believe I should speak first." Huffed Equius. "As a sea-dweller, Eridan should take the role of going under water. Even if, like Cronus, he can't swim."

Eridan began with an "I-" but got interrupted. "Like he'd be worth anything." Said Sollux. "He'd die like he did before in the mountains."

Eridan was going to say something again but Tavros cut him off with "UH... You sure we can make it this time? Pip's not here to revive us anymore."

"I-" "HONK!" Shouted Gamzee.

Eridan sighed. "I saw some of us former-Zodiacs getting killed in our jury mission. Hell, I was one of them that got killed. Equius, I can swim, but not well. Anyway, strategy... you just gotta tough it out, and- SHIT A GRENADE!"

The grenade exploded, and since they weren't counterparts, Eridan himself, Equius, Gamzee, Tavros, and Sollux were the first to go. Because I wanted to give the counterparts some more screentime. (Except Aramin. Fuck him.) Also, it blew down the tiny metal pipe they were hiding behind.

"I know where we can hide!" Netimp shouted, "Back when I was 'merged' with Nepeta, I worked on an oil rig once as an intern! This oil rig! There is an elivator over there!"

Meanwhile, let's just put the rest of the Alpha-related quotes in here, since as you can tell I want a large list of famous last words: Kankri: "OH FUCK I THINK THIS MEANS I WAS RIGHT ABOUT ONE OF MY RANTS?" Yeulin: "GOTTA FIND A WAY OUT, GOTTA FIND A WAY OUT." Porsiv: "Woah man, I should like, protest this." Latlin: "God this'll kill my back if I make it out alive." Horuss: "Neigh... I might need strength, looking up to Equisa..." Kurloz: "YOU SHITFUCKERS WILL BE HAUNTED FROM THE GRAVE IF YOU END ME." Cronus: "Well... I'm glad I'm at least turnin' my life around. Better near the end than never." Mannah: "cod this is like COD."

They ran over there while the Alpha Trolls decided to cover them, but they were dieing in the process. Mannah getting bazookad, Horuss being flamethrowered in irony, Porsiv being too stoned to realize what was going on, you get the idea. When the dust cleared, Yeulin was the only one left (psyche about his last words stuff in particular!), and he was cowering with his hands over his head.

"Spare him." Said one of the Sharkweaks. "We've got a larger crowd of fish to fry. heh heh heh fish pun."

"Why though?" Said another one. "A bird in the hand is worth two- or... um... one two three four five... thirty in the bush!"

The first one shot the second one in the head, blowing it off!

"YOU RETARD! THAT'S NOT A FISH PUN! THAT'S A BIRD PUN!"

---

(Elevator)

"SOMEBODY GET ME THE HECK OUT OF HERE!" John cried, just like one of his favorite movie characters (behind Nick Cage) Conker.

"Don't panic, dumbass!" Netimp calmed. "There's a few details to... know I guess! For one, the elevator should be safe."

There was nice music playing at least.

"For another, I think there is another army sent before. They might be alive. We could get help!"

"BUT MANY OF US JUST DIED! EVEN KARKAT! I LIKED HIM! sort of then again he was also an ass."

Netimp laughed. "Don't worry about that."

"Why? Because of his counterpart? They're not the same person at all. He's yelling at everything while she's a complete doormat."

Just more laughter. "No, because like I said, I know a few things or two about this place."

The elevator reached its destination, and the Crew got out and ran, and they saw... THE MASTER CHIEF!

No wait he's already in Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals nevermind I have to think of a new crossover. Mario? Nah, this is a dark moment, no kiddy chaarcters like Mario or Donkey Dong or Harry Potter. Or more like Harry Potty because it is the kind of books read by potty trainers until people start dying.

The soldier was instead the guy from Doom, that's why he is the only one there because he's the badass last survivor kind of guy.

"Hey there." Said Flynn Taggart, that's the Doomguy, "I couldn't help but notice that I'm not the only one here anymore. The rest of my team died. The Sharkweaks may have been bad, but the worst part is the dun dun dun... Sharkstrongs."

"How must we prepare for them?" Asked Adrion.

"DO NOT BRING UP NOT-FISH PUNS. THAT IS A BAD IDEA."

"Oh cool!" Fefian said, "I'm great with fish puns! Maybe I could distract them with the jokes, and... everything."

"Pfft. I have a better idea." John said. "Follow me to the sit-com room."

"How did you know that this oil rig had a sit-com room?" Netimp asked him. John shrugged.

"I just thought that it was kind of a thing. I mean, this is a mildly shitty job. It sounds like it. There should be a sit com room. If not, I'll just make one."

Then Jake made fliers as John told him, telling the Sharkweaks and Sharkstrongs to get over there for a free performace.

Normally Dualscar would say something about how in his fakey fake stories he was killed for telling a bad joke, but his fucking son of sorts just died.

---

(Back in Chicago)

The female members of the Rainbow Crew looked at the treehouse.

"You think any of them have died yet?" Rose asked. "And before you ask, no, you cannot 'feel it' when your counterpart dies. There's no symbolic twin shit, and that doesn't even work with twins either. I talked to Hank Hill about it over Fakebook."

"Well, I have faith in my counterpart." Nepeta commented. "A lot of faith. Did you know that we worked together on that same oil rig?"

"I don't really like... this... conversation..." Tavass said, "We should focus on something else. Like construction work. On this treehouse."

Sliiou shrugged. "Ok. Good luck out-doing the Pikmin interns on this though. They are amazing with this shit."

Nan stared off into the distance, west which is the direction of the rig. "I just hope my son is okay..."

---

(Back in LA, although technically this is offshore so it's more like generic Pacific Ocean. Sorry but I will not be making a Pacific Rim reference since this is the Atlantic Ocean and not the Pacific.)

John was dressed up as a shark who in turn was dressing up like Jerry Seinfeld. Doomguy gave him the shark costume because it was a part of the oil rig in order to use for fishing, yet DG used it as a disguise, while the JS outfit was just because Doomguy liked Seinfeld a lot especially when Kramer acts silly. Anyway John was at the stage holding a mic while all of the Sharkweaks and Sharkstrongs and I do mean all of them were gathered at the stage.

"Heeeey..." Said John/The Shark/Sienfield, but for all intents and purposes just pretend it's John. "What's the deal with starfish? In Spongebob they're pink, and that means they're pink in real life because sponges are yellow in real life. So does that make them pink stars, meaning that God predicted myspace since God made up the starfish and Myspace little girls use pink stars?"

Half of the audience laughed, then the other half glared at them. John ran out of the stage.

"THAT'S NOT A FISH PUN!" Said the other half.

"YES IT IS!"

Then the Sharkweaks and Sharkstrongs began shooting at eachother (Sharkstrongs look like sharkweaks except even more buff). All of the Sharkweaks died but the Sharkstrongs were still shooting at eachother since they were immune to bullets. This was enough to make an escape.

"WHY ARE WE SHOOTING AT EACHOTHER WHEN WE KNOW THAT EACHOTHER IS IMMUNE TO BULLETS?" Asked one of the Sharkstrongs, but of course nobody's going to answer that since that's too stupid for an answer but to try to make themselves look smarter they'll at least point it out. So they got out bazookas instead.

The stage was blown to smithers at the following bazookas, and Rory tripped and was crushed by the debree. The Rainbow Crew gasped and turned in his direction, looking at him dying.

"Cough cough." He said. "Go on without me! I'm just a pathetic drunk pervert after all..."

"No! You're not!" Dirk cried. He lifted the debrie off of him but then saw that his entire lower half was just a puddle of blood and went "Oh I guess I didn't need to do that" and tossed the chunk of metal into the ocean. And speaking of which, the explosion from the bazookas caused a ton of gas pipes to start leaking keep this in mind. "You're a great person, Roxy! I just-"

He was shot in the chest several times right after Rory died, but before Dirk himself died he said, "I mean Rory..." it was the Sharkstrongs! They had walked out of the cleared dust!

"Now it is time to capture you!" Said one of the Sharkstrongs.

Rory's body briefly came back to life (his heart restarted some way) just so he can say "NOPE KIDDING I'M NOT BACK TO NORMAL!" and died again.

---

"Hey," Roxy said, hammering in nails to add a new room, "This is the first time it's been just us girls together, right? So... what do we do?"

"No." Rose replied.

"I think we should work on this naked!"

"No. We've been naked too often lately. We should really try to wear something, especially in case we get tourists to the new tourist center, since we're supposed to be a touring area and the tease is what gives viewers. That's why Nepeta and Netimp rarely come out (I think but you can't really prove otherwise), and when they do we try to hide her behind stuff. I think we all like them for expression, and I picked these tentacle things because my love for the eldritch may link into some kind of self-loathng or something? Maybe. I'm not as good as analyzing myself as I am at others."

"Really? Analyze me."

"You're getting old."

Roxy frowned.

"I'm tired of your shenanigans. You talk about sex way too much, and you're a drunk fuck."

"I'm getting... old?"

"Porrim, do that thing where you turn your hand into a fake-vampire-mirror, except the reflection is an old copy of Rose. Porrim? Poooorrim? Porrim Doo, where are you?"

Jade sighed. "I told you, only do dog jokes on one person. And I recommended me. Since I have a pet dog. And even then, it gets old."

"HA!" Roxy said, "And you thought I was the old one!"

"You can both be old." Jane said, drilling. "I am very sick of your bickering. You're supposed to be part of a team. Supporting each other! How is this crime fighting?"

Speaking of Porrim, she ran to the group with a letter.

"Great news! We've been drafted!"

Meenah sighed. "I hate that Troll Empress. Changin' her mind for no reason. It's in her blood, ooooh. How annoying."

"It's not for no reason! It's because all of the guys are either captured or dead, so by tomorrow we have to be at the oil rig or else we have to be at the oil rig without intact legs!"

"See?" Jane guestured to Porrim, "That's the kind of team spirit you should have!"

"Did you just say dead?" Karkta said. "Oh, I don't know..."

"You are forgetting one thing." Equisa already retreated to get a hard-hat. Not just for construction, but for war. "We have two things that the guys don't. An emphasis on speed, and your and Kiriki's lime blood."

Rose rubbed her chin. "Hm... right... Karkta, Kiriki, you can teleport us there one second before we're legally late. Everybody else, let's keep working on this."

Porrim got an angry look at that.

The Pikmin interns were carrying around wood, to show that I didn't forget about them.

---

(Prison?)

The Oil Rig apparantly had a jail cell, explaining that King of the Hill episode where a guy was both in jail and at the oil rig at the same time. All of the Sharkstrongs were gathered up, since they had the entire military force captured. Anyway, this cell was in its basement.

"THE PRESSURE HURTS MY EARS!" Jake cried, then he yawned and it was better.

The leader of the sharks came by, and it was... Jaws the Shark! Did I already say this? Ardion gasped!

"Oh pedestrians!" He cried, "I recognize his fated mug from the depths of the past!"

"Can you ask Aradia to tell us about him later? Because I don't want to listen to you. At all." John said.

Jaws spoke, "Bruke mates! Aighty, it's been a long time 'ince I 'ot some prisoners! And now that we're about to drain all of the oil and power from this rig, that's the reason why we're here, I'd like to-"

He saw Ardion. "Aradia? What happened to you mate? You look... I donnu, a little different then what I thought you would be? Yeah I saw ya' while youse was 'eaded to the rig, and I knew somethi' was a bit off about ya'. Oh well, so that you won't spill the beans about my secret to immortality,"

He shot Adrion! And he died!

Jude sat on the floor and began crying, "NO HE'S GOING TO EXECUTE US ONE BY ONE AND WE'RE ALL DOING TO DIE HERE!"

And Jake said "L-l-lord, you might be right!" and cried with him. Jaws rolled his eyes, and by the way yes he did evolve to have eyelids. Same with the Sharkweaks and Sharkstrongs.

"You WILL die if you keep crying and annoying us!"

They didn't stop crying though, so Jaws also shot both of them. Now the only people left alive are John, Pa, Bro, Netimp, Kanayo, Dad, Tezlom, Virkso, Pop, Fefian, Joan, Ross, Dave, Summoner, Ψiioniic, Signless, Darkleer, Highblood, Dualscar, Inflamed, Electric, Vocalist, Gearbone, Scalper, Unithorn, Doomguy, and one other person but I'm not telling you who since you're supposed to forget it until it comes up again. Wait a minute. Virkso outlived some of these people? Um... Jaws shot him next because he was listening on his iPod and going all "Yeah man these hit old classics are awesome" and thus probably not enough of the person to pay attention to follow his following orders.

"However I am not finished getting the rest of this oil. That's why I'm keeping you alive. I want you to work with me."

"NEVER!" John cried, "I would rather have you shoot me!"

"ARE YOU INSANE?" Joan asked, before blushing. "Because if you are... I wouldn't mind..."

"Sorry, but I'm already dating your sister." He said. "For you it might be a little different, but I usually like to have a little bit of monogamy in my life. Just one major boyfriend or girlfriend, and maybe some side-salad if you catch my drift. Roxy being one such side-salad I think. Oh wait... since she's dating everyone... does that mark everybody she's friends with? Dirk, Jake, I'm already with Jane... maybe the counterparts too? Heh, normally I wouldn't care, but maybe I should try them out. If Dirk and Jake weren't dead. So it's moot."

Jaws paced around the room back and forth. "Now, My Sharkstrongs are not THAT strong enough to steal the rest of this oil without their backs breaking and neither am I, that's why I thought about enslaving all of you. So that's why I'm not 'illing off the rest of you."

"What the hell is with that accent?" John asked. "You sound like a drunk."

"'one of 'our buisiness, matebroke! Now will you help us or not?!"

Then Doomguy's head peeked out of the airvent opening.

"Hey I have a third option, not helping them. Using my badass skills I opened an airvent system that we can climb through."

And then they climbed out. Except Dave who was too busy being crazy about everything, and surrendered and offered to help them out. Jaws opened the jail cell and all of the Sharkstrongs left and he was leading Dave to the tanks. But then they both turned back, and the dead bodies of Jude and Ardion and Jake and Virkso were gone!

---

(A little bit higher in the rig; more on the sea-level platform)

So were the dead bodies of everyone else! Wait, one last place to look...

---

(The higher section from the elevator)

Yep! gone!

---

(Air vents)

The Rainbow Crew crawled through as much as they could to get as good of a look as they could on the others. But they saw was Dave being forced to do the work!

"We cannot let this happen!" John cried, "Seriously, that is low!"

Then. His computer beeped. He looked at it.

"HOLY SHIT THE GIRLS ARE ARRIVING! WE'RE SAVED!"

"HORRAY!" They all cheered, but that cheer was also what alerted a lot of the Sharkweaks and Sharkstrongs to their presense!

"RUN!" Doomguy cried, "Uh, I mean, CRAWL!"

---

(Main Platform)

"Jeez Porrim!" Shouted Karkta, "No need to be so aggressive! Here, I'm warping all of us here right now so we can save the guys!"

"Yeah, it's kind of like living up to maybe some jadeblood stereotype. I already have a weird outlook on limebloods and stuff, don't make this any weirder I suppose." Said Kiriki.

Yes, they were warped there by the limeblood, ready to prepare themselves for battle, when all of the sudden-

Karkta was shot into the water. Dust kicked up again, and soon Meulin also vanished.

"Shit!" Jean cried, "Kiriki, can you just teleport us somewhere with less dangers?"

Then the dust cleared, and she was revealed, bleeding to death from bullets. Kiriki died not long after, bringing this groups's death count at two.

Dian shook her head and motioned to the group to retreat, but this was not for long as Kanaya disobeyed and charged foreward. Then, above, there was what seemed like a lot of corpses pushed by someone they coulnd't see since it was behind the hole leading to above. But what wasn't past the hole was one of them, Eridan's, that was taken by a Sharkstrong and thrown on Kanaya and crushed her to death.

"OY!" Kanaya cried before getting killed off. The sharks quit firing.

"HEY!" One of them cried, "THERE'S MORE OF THEM! AFTER THEM!"

"WHERE DO WE GO?" Jean asked.

"I worked here once." Said Nepeta. "Long story, but we migt have a chance at bringing people back here. Follow me. But we need to distract these enemies first..."

While they were all turned away, Kanaya and Eridan's bodies were also taken. Kiriki's too.

"I suspect that there might be someone behind the disappearings of the recently deceased..." Aranea said. "I'm not detective - I think that's more under Tezlom's factor? But I can try to piece some information together. Once we reach the men, we should ask if they have a similar situation to us."

"I'm just glad we're not forced into tacky military uniforms." Vriska shrugged. "Just Porrim. She put it on on purpose."

So then they tried ducking into the elevators, but it was too late as weapons were thrown at them. Aranea was hit with an ice bomb, then fozen, and a Sharkstrong (only sharkstrongs were left thanks to John's standup) hit her and she shattered. A firebomb, meanwhile, went after Vriska, and it kind of melted her lower half and stuff and she looked like a melted figurine stuck together. But it also burned her inside to death, so she was out of the story too.

The rest, on the other hand, entered, and went up. Nepeta turned to the group.

"Yes, we can revive them. Like I said before. There's a stem-cell machine on a higher plane. We could recreate a key moment from Futurama."

"Actualy, do we even want to?" Mindfang asked, "Because if it's what I think it is, Rebirth, then that's a sign of the show sucking since it went to the next channel for me. I'd rather not have memories of that."

"Your daughter is dead."

"I don't have high hopes for your son, either." Meenah chimed in.

"Ok then, rebirth it is!" Mindfang laughed, "Boy, am I selfish or what?"

When the lift came up, it was a trap! They were also taken in and imprisoned as well, knocked out from the gas!

---

(Jail Cell, again)

"Hey we asked this to some people who looked similar to us." Jaws said. "Buggers 'arely escaed my grasp, and at the slow-ass vent crawl rate, too! How'd they do that?"

"My counterpart is a bitch, isn't he?" Nepeta gigled. Which made Rose shake her head.

"I'm sorry, but how can you think that your counterpart is any good at staying alive at all? It's a bit of a..."

"Trust me. I know."

"Anyway," Jaws continued, "In case this gun I'm 'ointing to your hea's isn't enough convin'in to make you romates join me, I have a lil' hostage situation."

Dave walked foreward, and said "Hi."

Dove replied with an even more stoic "Hey." Which got Dave to frown by being out-stoiced.

"First though, I asked him a few questions. Porrim, you were the one who sorta came up with the idea to make more than half of you in the war?"

"...Yes..."

"I JUST ASSUMED THAT!" Dave cheered.

Jaws shot her! "NO MORE SMART MOVES TO INCREASE YOUR CHARACTER ROSTER! GOT IT?" He opened the gate, "Now, come on mates, unless... WHO WANTS TO REBELL AND GET SHOT BY ME IN RETALLIATION?!"

Gamsis raised a hand with a "Honk?" And got shot.

"So..." Rose said, "I think we lost and got captured quicker than the guys did. So much for what making this about a battle of the sexes would mean for us."

"At least more of us are still alive!" Aradia cheered, "But... this isn't really a contest."

"It would be a bit more meaningful if, by the start before the war thing, we actually talked a lot about battling of the sexes and stuff... hrm. Well, we already know that splitting ourselves up like this is a bad thing. Especially because techncially all of us fall under both sexes, we can change at will now thanks to Hank."

"Ironic. Hank Hill normally hates that stuff on his show?"

"Doesn't matter. All that matters is that I hate Hank Hill!" Jaws cried, turning around and shooting Aradia in the arm. "And you're a worshipper?"

"Um... no, but I do find his show funny."

And then he shot her in the head next.

"CLOSE ENOUGH!"

"I am sorry," Rose said, "But I thought you would be a lot more cooperative than this."

"Only 'cuz there's so many of yous! That's why we treated Dave with a lot of respect: He was our only one."

Dave nodded.

"But now there's more, and so you're expandable, so..."

Dave stopped nodding. And gulped.

"Now, mine this place for materials."

Jean leaned into Rose's ear as everyone else reluctantly started turning wheels and stuff and getting oil. "I hate working here. I will break out."

"How? This guy has a tight grasp."

"By making a diversion, then meeting up in that room Nepeta told about."

So she cried "DIVERSION!" kicked a Sharkstrong into one of them... um... furnances, and that bruned him, and it eventually got so bad that he really burned on fire, as they were not completely heatproof as they were bulletproof. Then it exploded, and since Jean still had it open, a chunk flew out and hit Jaws square in the nuts. Oh wait fish don't have those. Face.

With that, instead of a diversion, Jaws was so pissed that he ordered the Sharkstrongs to start gunning around the room, and they cross-fired Jean! Rose tried to escape, but was eventually tripped by Jaws and had the gun pointed at her.

"You... leader, you thought you could just walk right out."

"Yes, but you thought that stopping me would be the same as stopping the others? In either case, I'm not really that much leader-like anymore, so I take full responsibility for my demise."

Jaws looked around. The others left! But he shot Rose anyway out of frustation, before realizing...

"I JUST KILLED MY ONLY POSSIBLE NEW ASSISTANT!"

On their way up, Terezi opened up a quick communicator with the guys and tried to get a contact.

GC: H3LLO PORR1M 4ND TH3 TROLL 3MPR3SS FORC3D US H3R3
GC: TH1S 1S A M3MO WHO 1S ST1LL 4L1V3?
GC: H3LLO TH3R3 1T 1S M3 T3ZLOM YOUR OWN COUNT3RP4RT

Oh. Shit. They don't have different text colors on so it will be hard to differentiate, so I will instead have... counterparts in italics? No, that's a stupid idea. 2s? Nah, since that can flip around. How about lower case? I could find a way to give them all differentiating quirks later.

GC: W3LL 1TS GOOD TO KNOW TH4T TH3 OTH3R M3 SURV1V3S :]
gc: P3OPL3 4R3 DY1NG ON YOUR SQU4D TOO?
GC: W41T "TOO?"
GC: FUCK
GC: 1 THOUGHT W3 ONLY LOST 4 F3W
gc: W41T WH4T "F3W?"
GC: 4 LOT
gc: W3LP GOTT4 GO
gc: 1 H34R SH4RKSTRONGS G3TT1NG THROUGH TH3 V3NTS
gc: K33P LOOK1NG FOR TH3 ST3M C3LL M4CH1N3 N3T1MP C4NT STOP BL4BB1NG 4BOUT
gc: 1T SHOULD B3 SOM3WH3R3 1N TH3 H1GH3ST FLOOR
GC: 1 KNOW N3P3T4 K33PS T3LL1NG M3 TH4T
gc: WOW W41T YOUR N3P3T4 1S 4L1V3 TOO?
gc: HOW M4NY P3OPL3 JUST LOS3 ON3 V3RS1ON OF TH3M 4ND NOT TH3 OTH3R 4NYW4Y?

But then there was a sound of explosion, as a land mine was nearby! The gang all paniced, and took off running out into the distance, Then sadly Terezi fell on one too as they were trying to rise up the elevators and avoid the Sharkstrongs. It launched Terezi up and she bled a lot, but then manage to utter out, "WELP I'M DONE" before falling into another mine, this one actually blowing her to bits.

GC: W-ELL Terezi didnt survive eit)(er but you did! 38(
GC: (T)(is is actually Feferi.)
gc: BTW W3 FOUND 4 W4Y TO TH3 S3COND FLOOR BUT 1TS NOT TH3 TH1RD FLOOR WH3R3 TH3 ST3M C3LL M4CH1N3 1S SO 1F TH1S W4S 4 R4C3 YOU M4Y H4V3 WON

Yeah Feferi typed that on the computer, then closed the conversation after reading that thing. And was a bit sad about that.

"Perk up a little. Like the old times." Erdini said, "After all it can't be that bad...? Are you overeacting or am I underreacting, wait a minute-"

"I know, it's just that... well, this isn't the sea adventure I thought."

"War is no adventure. And to prove it:"

They were on the right floor BUT MUST FACE WITH TURRET TRAPS! Yes, there was a row of turrets keeping them from reaching the proper stem cell machine thing according to Nepeta's direction, and Feferi and Erdini's conversation kept them from paying too much attention at the fact that the machines activated and killed Erdini instantly and wounded Feferi. Feferi, however, managed to deflect them with her sword and destroy the shooting turret, which openend up for a blind spot for everyone to get into.

"Okay... we'll find a way out... I promise." Feferi said, but then she died. It was a cool, heroic sort of way.

"I think I might sacrifice myself." Dian pounded a palm.

Dian charged out to get rid of more of the turrets, and knocked a lot of them down, but sadly got her leg caught on a pile of them she knocked down. Then, it was slow but certain that... THE TURRETS WERE GROWING LEGS! THEY WERE UPDATING!

"WE NOW HAVE TO SAVE HER FAST!" Equisa cried, using her FAST to run after her, then quickly took Dian and tossed her a lot closer to the tower with the stem cell room. So close.

But then it was it for Equisa, as she was shot repeatedly by them, and flumped down dead.

Sadly, it turned out that way too many people were gathered over at a spot, that also turned out to be under construction and was thus just unstable prototype ground before the final ground was rebuilt. The floor cracked, and started getting destroyed, and while the second generation made it through, the first fell. They weren't dead, but landed safetly in the lower floor, where the male characters save Dave were at.

Sadly, the cracks kept spreading through the floor, prompting Jane to shout "We have to keep moving!"

As they did, and the turrets re-activated, Sliiou eventually tripped over some of the wires that floated around, and fell on her face as the ground was getting pulled down and into itself. "FUCK!" She cried, "MY LEGS REALLY HURT!"

"Um-um-um-" Nepeta said, "I'm sure that the stem cell machine will heal it up!"

She sneered at her. "You think your plans will work. I am too injured to run back in time and too tired to float, but my arms work just fine. And so do my psychics."

She flipped Nepeta off, then lifted up a chunk of metal and flung it down to break open a hole in the wall. Unfortunately, this also caused a gas tank to leak, then it dropped down a circular ring that also went for the other floors of the rig, falling into the ocean. Not that bad by itself since they were all upstairs, but it was since the gunfire from the war also caused oil drums to leak through.

"You're welcome. I did this last thing just for you and I get death in return."

Then another support beam broke off and impaled her.

Nepeta felt guilty. Then she turned over to the tower and cried, "DIAN! THIS NEEDS A PASSCODE!"

"What is it?"

"IT CHANGES EACH TIME BECAUSE OF HOW VALUABLE IT IS, AND THEY DON'T UPDATE THE CODE TO THE INTERNS! I NEED TO HACK! OF ALL THE THINGS I DO, I WISH I LOOKED UP THAT!"

Mitchl and Roxy flexed their hands. The rest of the group ran into the new room that Sliiou broke a shortcut into, and hid out there since it's a bit more stable. But the two who flexed ran out into the distance.

Sadly, as Dian banged on the wall, the pair's run triggered turrets unknowingly. They both combined their wits and hacked the password in, but just in time to see that Mitchl gunned down by a running turret. Dian and Roxy turned to it.

"URGH... I did good... didn't I? If I didn't... I'm sorry." Mitchl said before dying.

Roxy was shot after, but because of her Ichigo training jumps, she dodged and only got shot in the leg. Meanwhile, that gas tank finally got enough pressure to explode, which also caught the leaked oil on fire, and the entire thing blew the lowest floors to bits (the basement drill area and the landing platform). Because of this the upper levels 2 and 3 (the only higher levels) were unstable and fell into the sea, which at this point was on fire from the burning oil. Roxy found herself lifted in the air by Dian, and by the way the turret was gone.

"I have to get you to the others... even if it's... the last thing I... do..."

But sadly it wasn't even that, as she collapsed from exhaust of both the explosion's smacking her against the wall then on the floor (everyone else had the upper floor to cling too when it fell down, or that indoors area), and Roxy was closer to the wall while Dian was nearly high in the air alone and smacked the ground hard. So the added strength to lift Roxy killed her. Roxy could only stare at the new machine, her leg limp making it hard to get there. But she tried to hop in. Then took a break so she wouldn't work to death.

Meanwhile, with everyone else, they saw Roxy and figured that she needed help.

"I'LL GO OUT THERE. EVEN IF IT LOOKS DANGEROUS, THOSE WIRES LOOK LIKE SKATEPOLES, SO I CAN GO OUT DOING ONE THING I ENJOY!" Latula cried. She then hopped on her board and flew, but it was grinding and giving out sparks that revealed the last few remaining Sharkstrongs who survived the blast! They emerged from the water and saw the team of all the guys minus Dave but plus the female first generations!

Said second group on the lower floor boarded themselves up until they had a chance to get into a break for the elevator. Sadly, Latula was gunned down before she could reach any protection, and because of the hole broken through the wall, the female team and Dave had less safety so that's where the sharkstrongs were climbing up to.

Rufiye and Haerus nodded at eachother.

"Yo, we should do a final mission." Rufiye said.

"In the name of mechanical speed!" Haerus agreed, and they both charged out and fought off the five sharkstrongs while the others escaped to a route they could find in the breaking pathway. While the two trolls fought, they quickly found that there was little chance in victory, no matter how much Rufiye was spinning around, or Haerus used her flamethrower or speed. They were both kicked back-to-back, then lowered their head and smiled as the sharkstrongs all got out guns.

"I guess this is it... fuck." Said Haerus.

"Yep, old pal. Yep." Rufiye added. And then the two of them were gunned to death.

The last five sharkstrongs looked down, and saw just shadow. But then, violet eyes glew from it. It was Kursis! She charged foreward, with a lot of weapons in tow, and ran at them and jumped on them.

"LET THIS CONFLICT BE SETTLED BY THE MESSAIAH'S FINAL JUDGEMENT! THEY WILL AVENGE THINE DEATHS AND HEAL THEIR SOULS! AMEN!"

She stabbed them all with very powerful mime swords and shot them with mime guns, but the last of them chuckled as he got out nitroglicerin and threw it at her.

"As a last resort..." the Sharkstrong said, "In case I was going to die anyway."

Kursis gave an evil glare at them and just kinda-repeated "amen." as she exploded, and the debris went out of the room a lot. Which also knocked down Meenah. She had a part of metal sticking through her chest.

"Well... it was a good run... foe... friend... and now, finished. Seeya' on the finside, wish for me for fishmas." Then she died.

They looked onto the scene in sadness.

Suddenly, the ground rumbled yet again. It was Jaws! He somehow survived, snuck from below and broke the floor open with his musket, knocking him and Jade into the air!

"WH... WHAT THE?" Jade asked.

Then Jaws impaled Jade on the back and through the back, and she fell back down by the group screaming as she died and blood was all around, then Jaws pressed harder and that part broke off, and she went down to the lower group to see it too.

"JADE! NO!" John cried. Jaws then took the blood around her and re-arranged it to form an upside down cross.

"HAIL SATAN YA' BUGGERS!" Jaws cried.

"Jade..." John repeated, "There was so much I never got to say... And probably... so much you never got to say... I WILL AVENGE YOU!"

But then someone put an arm in front of him. Mindfang, of all people.

"No. It is time for us ancestors and guardians to finally do something. Um, again I supposed, even for my group of ancestors and we did the least amount out of anyone. You go on your own and re-unite with the other team. He'll have to go through hell to reach us."

Jaws cocked his gun. "I'm ready, mates."

All 32 of them charged at once, just for some of them to get aimed at before they could reach him.

"My powers aren't working!" Mindfang said, trying to give a psychic strain. The Alpha's ancestors charged ahead first, then the guardians, then the Zodiac's.

"Neither are mine!" Summoner cried, "He seems like both an animal and a sentient person, so why are neither of our powers working when it should be both?"

Jaws laughed again, "Engineered like a champ! No troll powers can normally work on me! That's why the Troll Empress's too scared to brainwash me as a pet. And 'ya think your descendants didn't try the same shit? Now, for my move... let's try to nail 'em in order..."

He then shot towards the feet, and that sent Vocalist, Succubus, and Inflamed up into the air. As Jaws lept higher, Vocalist retorted, "THIS ISN'T THE ZODIAC ORDER YOU IDIOT!"

"It is the hemospectrum order! Uh... sort of."

Then he body-slamed them all onto Scalper's horns. As they twitched and bled to death, Succubus got out some words. "Skewered... if only I could be in the position to heal them... if only these wounds weren't vital. If only- IF ONLY-" Then died.

Inflamed lasted a little longer. "Damn... Just when I thought I was having some fun." And died too.

He dodged his head to the side after hearing Electric cry "FOR THE MEMORY OF THE DEAD, AND POSSIBLY THE DOOMED!" to avoid the oncoming laser blast from him, and instead slashed him in half with the musket. He looked at Huntress and laughed, then shot her too.

"Wait! No! Can this really happen? I thought... I thought..."

She died.

Jaws lifted his gun in the air again. "Now, get ready for the real power of me! AND THIS OLD PIECE OF SHIT!"

The bullet glew a light blue, and flew out of Huntress, and started zig-zagging around until it also shot Medicman in the gut, not the heart. She fell over as Sk8oardr finally had enough, and stomped on the bullet to destroy it.

Karmagal got by Medicman's side and said, "Oh no... oh no... OH NO."

"Don't worry about me..." Medicman coughed, "Just... protect the future. Nurture after them. And care for them..." And then died as well. And yes, she's a rainbow drinker, so she doesn't even have that whole extra life thing.

Karmagal took the words into her heart. And bumped her chest, just to see Sk8oardr jump off to get into the combat.

"I will not let you ruin a perfectly good team here!" But something from the water shot her.

Then Karmagal was the only one of the group who did not jump back when given the oppertunity like the other Alpha's ancestors did. More figures started emerging from the sea, getting past the fire. Karmagal also dashed foreward with "FOR JUSTICE AND NURTURING," but was unexpectedly kicked in half by another sharkweak!

"That's right! We dwell in the ocean! Say 'ello to my second, and final, wave!"

Gearbone had finished constructing himself a new laser canon, but the army caught him off guard and broke it. He began to sweat furiously, clutch his fists together, and cry out, "AND THIS IS FOR MY CREATION!" Just to only kick off one of them before getting stabbed to death.

As the guardians and Zodiac's ancestors began backing up, Scalper tried to live up to his namesake by taking a knife and getting it near the sharkweaks. But, as the sharkstrongs also emerged to complete the wave, Scalper was still surrounded by the sharkweaks, overwhelmed and out of amo. He only let out a "Fuck..." before they beat him and shot him.

Unithorn and Fuchsian looked at eachother, nodded, and waved to the others to get back and form a new strategy after getting some space. The former dove into the seas, and while underwater he got a brief advantage on the sharkstrong part by punching one of them and trying to use his thorny vine attacks to cut him further.

"NO! I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO HURT ANY OF THESE LOVELY BEINGS! GO TO HELL, ALL OF YOU!"

But, he too was also overwhelmed by the sharks. In this case, the sharkstrongs instead, so they killed him faster by machine gun fire.

Finally Fuchsian emerged and started whacking them from the surface, trying to slow them down by keeping them underwater. This was working, at least slightly, until one of the sharkstrongs tossed flaming oil on the side of her neck. Cringing heavily, she then smiled and said: "Well. I guess I lost. Condesce, please try to stay the better person you were. Wish you luck in becoming the next leader to replace the Troll Empress when you kill that bitch."

But instead of burning to death, she just got shot by Jaws directly. Who looked on the scene from the docks and laughed.

"Now... I should stop 'em from en'ering the stem cell room. Let's see... I should put my own focus on the teens, while you guys take on the middle-agers."

---

(Below)

The lower floors, nearer, the first generation (again) found some manholes and hid in them. The shark army passed over. Then, they all emerged, ready to try to do a back-attack.

Sadly, this did not stop the shark army from overwhelming the guy-descendant group. Fefian cackled into laughter, he drew his sword, looked at Netimp (who gave him an uncertain look in reply), and cried "I CAN STILL DO THIS! JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!"

"FEFIAN! WAIT!" Condesce cried. But it was too late. He was shot and killed too, and Kanayo's gun was jammed when they continued firing at their squad's guns. This pissed Condesce off enough to jump out of hiding and exposed their stealth plan, forcing them to run off after them. "NOOOO!"

Kanayo then tried to tweak it up. To better, improve it. "Okay... shit, wait. Should I even try this or use another weaponificater. Urgh! Why can't I-"

His gun exploded on him, killing him, as that bullet really had a bomb implanted in it.

Meanwhile, higher above, Jaws tore through the ground!

"Heh heh heh, HEEEEH heh heh! Don't think I forgot about you and your pointless quest to get to that stem cell machine! Now, DIE!"

He tripped Jane and aimed a gun at her head! Jaky stopped, turned around, and stared Jaws down.

"JAKY, GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE!" Jane cried.

"But... NO! I MUST SAVE YOU, I MUST! PLEASE, THE CLOSER CIRCLE OF US IS ALMOST GONE! JEAN, ROSE, DIAN... DEAD! AND THEN THERE'S THE GUYS!"

"Jaky..." She threw a chunk of metal at her. Jaws cocked the gun again. "Keep moving. Don't stop. If you reach freedom, I'll be there. Keep that in mind, and move on. Just move on..."

Another gunshot. And yep, Jane's brains were all blown out. When Jaky turned around, everyone was already much farther.

Except Tavass! She lept down from behind a wall, in a ready striking pose, with a ton of guns ready for aiming and firing.

"Jaky, I'll be honored to go down like the heroes I dream of."

"Well... you're kind of like Tavros's dreams, are you not?"

"Sort of?"

"Maybe you already are like the heroes... And there's nothing saying that Tavros himself isn't."

"UNLESS TAVROS... IS DEAD..."

"Well, he could be alive. There's just that tiny shread of chance to look foreward to. Just as I have this tiny chance that Jane will be brought back. And even if Tavros died, who says it wasn't as a hero...?"

"IT SOUNDS UNLIKELY... BUT I CAN FIGHT FOR IT ANYWAY!"

She charged, and actually managed to impale Jaws with a number of combat swords. But this only pissed him off, and got four sharkstrongs to stop chasing after the guardians and ancestors (or, as half the squad was, the guy team) and instead to join around him and shoot up Tavass to death. Jaws himself was weak, and limping around from being shot powerfully in the gut.

Things only got worse from there. Dave and Dove were previously carrying Roxy on their shoulders, treating her wound, and the group was nearing the machine when Jaws reached their spot yet again. He laughed, and shot both Striders in the back, and they fell over. While Roxy rolled away quickly.

"Welp." Dave said. "We're about to die now. I really want to know... how exactly does that make you feel?"

"...Scared." Was all Dove said. Then she got shot.

"'Scared?' That's it? What does that-" He was shot in the head too.

The rest of that particular group was at the door, but Jaws kicked Dave and Dove down to the lower level. "Well, it looks like you 'won.' Ya' found yaselves the stem cell machine."

They looked behind them. It wasn't that far away. Just a few more yards...

"Too bad it's useless! Whatya gonna do about it? You can't revive anyone! You ain't have their corpses!"

It was just down to Jaky, Nepeta, Damara, and Cromie in this group. They all stared down at him as Nepeta began to speak. "Just one drop of blood or anything with DNA in it is enough to revive them completely."

"Yeah, you forgot one thing: Someone to man it! If no-one alive wan's to turn on the ma'ine, you'll just be corpses lying on a burning hell of a rig! That's still in the rain!"

He whipped out a series of four machine guns, and began to fire. Summing up what she learned from Jane and Tavass, Jaky dove towards one of them and got her out of the line of gunfire. It was Nepeta, while Damara and Cromie were littered with bullets and dropped to the ground. Jaws looked at them and laughed, while the two he did shoot were breathing heavily.

"Dammit. I never felt like I got to redeem everythin' about myself. Jaky, you do love me right?" Cromie died before Jaky could answer.

Damara lingered around a bit longer. "Well, at least I died free. And that's what mostly matters. Away from the Felt, but I didn't last a week..."

Jaws then aimed the gun set at Jaky and Nepeta, but then it gave a click of uselessness.

"Heh heh. Outta ammo. I'll just ask the other 'pirates' in my squad for some more. And maybe I should send 'em your way, too." Then he also kicked Damara and Cromie's corpses away, to stop even them from getting revived. Before he walked away.

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" Nepeta cried.

"What? I was saving you!"

"I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN'T DIE!"

"...What."

"YOU IDIOT, I- no wait. You didn't know... okay, since you're gonna die for good, I should tell you anyway."

"...You're not even going to try to fetch our corpses, even if you're supposedly immortal?"

"No. Most of them may be blown up too. That was a big explosion."

Jaky frowned.

"Okay, the undying. When I turned 13, I was told that I can't normally die until something about the Simpsons happens."

"The Simpsons ended when that time traveler killed Homer. Homer killed his wife in some nuclear thing, and they couldn't find any replacement, and the budget was getting bad and the writers were striking... they needed to find a way to revive it, and back then it was even less likely than us coming back... it might work, but the show might be toast. At least, that was what was on the news yesterday."

"It does not matter. It's not this Simpsons, one in another world. I can't normally die until it gets cancelled at least once. At best, two different mes can merge into one in some ways. I don't know how this happened, another me in another dimension maybe did something and now my immediate family is immortal, but the point is that I can't die right now."

"Are you sure it... hasn't ended?"

"Hank Hill told me that I would be unable to die. From the... futurepast? He says that he will tell me when I can die."

"So... what happens when you get old?"

"I don't- chatting about this is a low tier thing! We need to get to the point! And the point is that you dive-saved the only person who didn't need to be saved!"

---

(The Lower Floor... Again?)

The last five descendant guys left in that particular group (John, Joan, Ross, Netimp, and Tezlom) kept looking as the ancestors and guardians kept trying to fight the shark army off. Things were at a near-stalemate, although Tezlom get incredibly pissed when he saw Redglare about to get stabbed.

"NO!" He cried, "THIS IS FOR MY ANCESTOR!"

He blew the cover they just found and charged back in, trying to use all kinds of the weapons he had on his person to fight against them. While Redglare appeared to be saved, he was soon overwhelmed too, and unsurprisingly decapitated. John, Joan, Ross, and Netimp all watched in horror, before Ross finally shook his fist and guestured.

"Come on. To the ladder. We'll just need to use this bought time to get to that room and do... something. Plan our strategies out there. Maybe we can even lock the sharks out."

As they walked off, Joan added, "I WILL NOT LET THESE WOMEN AND MEN STAY BACK AND DIE LIKE THIS!" And started charging in too.

"N-N-NO, NOT YOU TOO!" Redglare cried. But it was too late. The concern over Tezlom's sacrifice plus Joan also charging in made her open to get stabbed through the back by a sharkweak, who then swung her around and tossed her on Dolorosa and Mindfang. Mindfang sighed.

"The sad part is, this is the closest I've gotten to any physical action so far." But was crushed and killed. Not the body weight, by falling debris from the various explosions going around and such.

Dolorosa, on the other hand, revived as a vampire, then began crying "BY HELL'S LIGHT I WILL FINISH YOU TO PROTECT MY DAUGHTER AND SON-" But she was shot in the head before being able to do anything. By another sharkweak.

Summoner snapped his fingers, cried "I should have thought of this a lot sooner!" and used his powers into the sea. And this called forth a bunch of regular sharks, whales, and giant octopi to break up the rig. Some of them even broke away the flaming oil!

But this was short-lived as another of the weaks chainsawed him, the controlling being seen as a way to draw himself as a target! With him dead, the animals went wild again, and started thrashing around attacking people.

One of them was Highblood, who cried out a single "THIS... I WOULD HAVE FOUND FUNNY IF I HAD THE JOB I LIED ABOUT..." and got bit in half by an orca.

Dualscar challenged said orca, shouting "HEY! YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS?" And began riddling it and some of the other pretetorial sea creatures will bullets, just to get things turned around when the top of his head was sniped. By one of the automated turrets from before. Dualscar fell down on his knees and collapsed after.

Ψiioniic cried "IN THE NAME OF THE RAINBOW CREW... I will come into loyalty, and help you all! This is my plan."

He first set up a blockade of random parts of metal, protecting everyone from the sharks and leaning over towards them.

"So I looked around and discovered something. There was a trail of oil that eventually leads to a massive cluster of gas tanks. It's on fire now Nothing we have here can accurately put it out, and there's no way to get rid of the huge tons of metal that's barricading it. I'm sure this was a trap from Jaws. In about... one hour, the fire will spread there and cause another explosion, this one far bigger and able to wipe out the entire oil rig. Spread this to our descendants or patronees. We need to find a way out."

"Is there anyway anymore?" Handmaid asked.

"Yes. A submarine. It's part of the rig for some reason, but all I know is that according to my powers and Electric's findings and experiments (...moreso what Electric did), it still works."

He grinned even as he was stabbed through the head by a sharkstrong.

"YOU DUMBASS!" he cried, still alive like Phineas Gage "I WAS HOLDING UP THAT WALL WITH MY PSYCHIC POWERS! IT'S NOT A STABLE WALL!"

As more sharkstrongs climbed over, the wall tumbled down and fell on them, killing them along with Ψiioniic as it impaled them all, very rusty and spikey and able to puncture hard.

"...It occured to me..." Handmaid said, watching as the room also started collapsing around them while almost everyone else began looking for the way to get towards the direction of the summarine Ψiioniic pointed, "WE DON'T HAVE TO DIE! THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER WAY!"

And she used her own abilities on the sharkweaks, wiping them out and thus the whole army but the four sharkstrongs Jaws used to have by him. She grinned, but suddenly the ceiling gave away and crushed her.

"THE CEILING AND ESPECIALLY GROUND HERE ARE UNSTABLE!" Condesce cried, running with the others.

"HOW UNSTABLE?" Darkleer shouted, and his strength caused him to break open a hole in the floor, and when he fell he also got caught on wires that ran through the rig. This shocked him to death, and also made the water zapped. Now, even going past the flames, the water around was even more unstable to go through.

"Looks like we can't even get the submarine to bring in for the others, and just drive it by the stem cell machine room." Signless smirked.

"The sub might even be affected." Ma said, tapping her chin. "You know, I used to know a lot about technology like this."

It was two of the four last sharkstrongs in the water! They were powerful enough to be immune to the electricity! Condesce actually laughed.

"Hey this is perfect for our' problems. Just hop on the one I jump on. I'll show ya."

She lept on one, then started trying to strangle it, and the guardians and ancestors reluctantly jumped on one-by-one. Then, she flicked the sharkstrong like a slingshot (using some exposed wiring as a "sling"), bolting them up to the higher/"third" floor. While Condesce herself successfully killed the one she was riding on by stabbing it to death, and she knew about the flinging from her knowledge of vauge shark utility and the Sharkweak/Sharkstrong project.

She she also got the trident through the other one, and it was also strong enough to pierce through it, she gave yet another laugh and finished off with "Fuchsian, don't be slappin' yourself. You would make an even better leader than me. But we coulda both team up. Team up to stop that damn Troll Empress."

She dove into the electrified and burning water, and accepted that her game was up.

This left the two guard-sharkstrongs, who have actually long-since stopped trailing after Jaws for re-backing up the others. After a deep breath, Nan looked over at Pa.

"Shall we?" She asked.

"We shall." He answered.

They, and Disciple and Signless, where the first four to charge foreward. However, this only ended in disaster. One of the sharkstrongs dove down into a weak spot in the ground, breaking it and going into the lower floor while the other sniped Nan, then Pa. When they got on the ground, their hands were together, as if they were holding eachother's.

The ancestors saw Nepeta and Jaky in the distance, hiding under some pipes, and John, Ross, and Netimp trying to climb a ladder to get to the spot just a house's distance away from the machine room. Both of them tried to barrel foreward, and charged at the sharkstrong in their way. Sadly, Signless was stabbed by the sharkstrong even though it was toppled over (overwhelmed by this attack and the last), and while Disciple went on forth, Signless said this:

"Well, I guess now I can be called Sufferer truthfully." Then he fell over. Disciple saw the shark still trying to get back up, but decided to ignore that.

---

(The Room Itself)

John, Ross, and Netimp climbed the ladder and finally got into the room. But looked around.

"Shit." John said, "We don't even have a small trace of the DNAs to revive them."

They looked out. Mom, Bro, Sis, and Dad all gathered at the ready and drew more guns, staring down the sharkstrong.

"This was a plan that I intended to take to my grave, even if we do survive this." Sis said.

Mom smirked, "Like, even if this plan is just fails, at least I can wing it along. That seems like something to do."

"Are you going to let us know before or are we going to have to wing it and get killed because of that?" Asked Bro.

"I don't care either way," Dad finished, "As long as I get to revive my lil son and new daughter again."

All four of them ran, with Sis giving out arm signals (yeah it was that they have to "wing" it, sort of) to avoid around the sharkstrong. They may have still been riddled with bullets as they reached it, but ultimately got to shoot its eyes to stun it (sharkstrongs also have bullet-proof eyes, but it still irritates. This was something that surprised the guardians though). Sis tried pinning it down, but died from the blood. Mom got a few punches in before passing as well. Then there was Bro, who decked the solider-shark some more and nearly killed it, but he and the two corpses and Dad were thrown off by the sharkstrong, and he died upon landing.

Then the sharkstrong looked and saw that they also snuck little shock patches on it, and since they weren't putting pressure anymore, the mediators left and the shark-person-thing was electrocuted and stunned. Dad summed the last of his strength to hold the sharkstrong's mouth open, and grinned at Pop.

And Pop put a stick of dynamite, blowing up both the Rainbow Crew member and the enemy.

"Well... that was sad." He said, while Ma kept scanning the area. "What is it, Kate?"

"Two things. One: I think I see Jaky. Two: Jaws."

Jaws jumped from below and stabbed Pop in the chest, killing him instantly. While Ma looked further.

"AND SHE LOOKS HURT! RARRGH!"

She turned red again, got the white eyes and moving hair, and charged. This knocked Jaws down and stuck him inside a hole created in the rig, and she ran towards Jaky's protection-

But that sharkstrong that vanished gunned her through the back. Mid-jump. She collapsed, not that far from Jaky, who looked at her and said:

"Ma. I can get this on my own. I know exactly what to do."

She and Nepeta finally walked again, seeing the three guys while the sharkstrong was getting closer and Jaws was getting out of the pit.

"Everyone." She said. "I think we should... give up. Stop trying to revive everybody."

"WHAT?" Nepeta cried. "AFTER EVERYTHING WE WENT THROUGH?"

"Well, yes. Name one person becides my mother we can revive. And even then... she'll just get blasted by bullets again because the shark is still there... And in the mission, you'll either die or, if a Leijon, suffer for a pointlessly long time until you get rescued anyway."

"What are you going to do?"

"Try to find a way to paddle to a rescue boat, if possible. At least it's better than staying here. And there were some boats going here because of that first massive explosion, just scared to come closer for the water and lightning hazards. The Troll Empress did seem to give up her sentry after all. Anyway, I'm out."

So she took off a chunk of metal, walked over to the nearest opening to the sea that didn't have boiling oil or too strong of electricity, and dived in with it like a surfboard. But, one of the aggressive octopi from before stuck a tentacle out and impaled Jaky's chest, swinging her around and then throwing her off to the wall of the stem cell machine.

"Ouch." John commented. "Brutal."

But then the Disciple joined them! And she was carrying Roxy in her hands!

"Hey." Disciple said, "I got her too."

"I was in hiding for a while, butjust got out. Now it's time for me to live... baby?" Roxy herself added. But she died of bloodloss, after all of that. John frowned and closed her eyes for her, and Disciple just put the body down.

"Well." Ross said as the final sharkstrong got closer to him. "Regardless of how many people we can revive, we essentially already won. Now, I believe it's an appropriate time for the rescue flare."

"RESCUE FLARE?" John, Netimp, Nepeta, and Disciple all shouted. They and Ross are the only five people in that group, by the way. They lost Doomguy.

"Yes. It was a plan I shared with only Rose. We each took a rescue flare, and then fired it when we felt that our mission was close to a conclusion. As the sharks still populated the area during Rose's untimely death, she probably didn't feel that it was appropriate. But we only have one foe left and I am confident enough in our group's success that we'll eliminate him. Plus, we reached one destination. The next step is figuring out how to leave."

"Oh yeah," Disciple cut in as the sharkstrong got really close. Thankfully, it was out of bullets. "Ψiioniic said that there was a working submarine we could use. He also said that this oil rig was due to be blown up again, this time getting rid of everything, and this will happen... oh, I don't know, forty minutes. Yeah. He said about an hour, but it's been twenty. It might take less time since there is oil everywhere. By the way, we have two enemies."

"Not anymore."

Rose shoved the flare in the sharkstrong's stomach, then fired. A firework shot out, through the enemy and up into the air, and exploded into a picture of a prism with light shining through it on one end and a rainbow out the other.

"That's... pink floid?" John asked.

"No, dumbass, it's a prism. Jake gave me the idea. Well, actually Roxy, who told me about her time at the swamp-"

Jaws finally got unstuck, and shot Ross! The other four panicked and got into the room, and Nepeta slammed her hand on the "soft close" button. Jaws banged the door thing twice, then gave up.

"Meh. I'd rather find an army in the form of those sea-creatures. Ooh... maybe 'ere's a'other group I can 'ook for..."

Nepeta sighed. Netimp, looking at this, instantly went away and looked over to the sides.

"WHY!" Nepeta finally belted out while Netimp sighed impatiently. "WE WERE SO CLOSE! Do I really have to lose ANOTHER group of friends... r-really?"

She sniffed, appeared to almost make some very bizarre portal thing, but stopped herself and shook her head, closing the portal back up. Especially since Netimp was giving her a look. Sighing yet again, Netimp guestured over to the machine and Nepeta started getting near it, the latter shrugging and saying "At least I can heal some of you..."

A few minutes of pacing around, and John and Disciple looking at what the hell Nepeta and Netimp were doing with the machine (pushing all kinds of buttons), and then they were broken when they heard some dragging and grunting sounds. Then knocking.

"Jaws, go away." Netimp said.

"It's me! Yeulin!"

"And Meulin!"

The four in the room looked at eachother, and shrugged. Meh, more is still better.

But to their surprise, they opened the door and Beethoven's Ninth played as the two Meulins were standing, tired, in front of a pile of the dead bodies of every Rainbow Crew member who died!

"WOW!" John cried, "I never thought I'd be so happy to see a big pile of corpses!"

"We went through..." Meulin said between pants, "And got... everyone... after hearing about the... stem cell... machine... Thank god you're all alive, we thought we might be missing some people."

"So... did you count up? Removing us, the body count should be at 90."

"...Actually, the body count is at 91 now." She slumped over and joined the pile, dead from exhaust of going around and getting the dead bodies.

"Make that 92." Added Yeulin, dieing too. John and the Leijons then pushed them in and Nepeta "soft closed" the door. As they pushed them closer to the machine, they talked.

"You know John, you might be the hero." Nepeta said. Netimp laughed at this. "We only got to this point because of some hard-to-kill thing - it takes a while to explain. The point is, we might have had some magic that kept us from dying when we have wounds that would normally kill us, but you definitely survived on your own without percerverance."

"You shouldn't sell Meulin and Yeulin short!" John said, "After all, the two of them went around the whole rig pre- and post-explosion to get all those bodies!"

They both shrugged and kept pushing. It took a while.

"Netimp, getting shoved into that uniform must suck for you especially." Nepeta commented.

"Wait- why just her? Is this about how you go completely naked?" John asked.

"Yeah. I don't really like clothes too much. Well, tops. I like bottoms, but they don't fit very well with my uh... large..."

"Your huge bubble ass."

"Yes, I was trying not to say that." Nepeta sighed. "And I just don't really like tops at all. And Netimp shared these issues. I don't even have swimsuits, pajamas, or underwear, because the bottom part is either too large or gives me wedgies and the tops... still don't like tops."

John frowned. "So if I picture you two in swimsuits to get more imagination out of you, it's no longer canonically accurate?"

"No."

"I tell her about the fitting stuff a lot, that's how she knows it also applies to me." Netimp shrugged. "Even though I don't... kinda have boobs to deal with (damn overkill of estrogen Nepeta's body made that still transfered to me but, like, half as much) I still don't really like shirts. And I, too, have the opposite of Diminished Glutes Syndrome."

Then Jaws pulled the door open and stabbed John. He cried out, "AW JAWS, I THOUGHT YOU GAVE THAT UP!" And, of course, died.

"I already used my advanced sonic psychic shark-mind-controlling buisnis to get them! Now I-"

Nepeta pushed "hard slam" this time, and a much harder metal door slamed that cut Jaws in half.

"That's enough of that." She said. "Now, let's get to reviving."

---

(This is Epic Enough to be its Own Section)

"MOVE OVER GOD!" Nepeta cried, "IN THE COOLEST FUTURAMA REFERENCE IN THE HISTORY OF THE RAINBOW CREW, I PRESENT TO YOU... REBIRTH!"

She, Netimp, and Disciple all lifted the bodies into the machine, which looked like a big pool of pink stuff. Then she pulled the lever. Disciple looked at herself and shrugged.

"You know, I don't know how this thing works, but can it heal us?"

"Yep!"

"I think we should jump in it too. After all, we kind of have all kinds of terrible cuts and stuff."

Nepeta shrugged and dove in. Netimp did the same, snickering. Then Disciple, looking uncertain, also dived in. Also before turning the machine on, they took off the weapons of all the uniforms.

Within short time, Karkat was spat out naked and covered in pink stem cell slime. He looked around.

"WHAT IN THE FUCK."

Then move spat out, and piled on over him. Also naked and covered in slime. Not in the same order they died, Karkat being the first was a coincidence. Someone darted out of the pile fast and got to the weapons pile.

They all got up and stretched out, and Karkat continued. "I WAS JUST ENJOYING MYSELF IN THE AFTERLIFE WAITING ROOM, WAITING TO SEE WHAT DIVINITY HAS TO SAY ABOUT ME AND FILLING OUT FORMS, WHEN SUDDENLY, EVERYONE'S NAKED AND ALIVE."

"You weren't watching the war from the waiting room?" Vriska asked. "We all were. I was mainly following for the relationship gossip."

"I HATE THE NEWS."

Their attention was taken away when they heard Kanaya cry out, "YOU!" And ran over to the guy by the weapons.

It was Alucard!

"WERE YOU THE ONE BEHIND THIS AND HID SOME SECRET DNA TO HELP YOU OUT?" Kanaya asked.

"Um... no this was actually from a long time ago. You know Hitler Badguy? That's my evil older brother, AKA the Overseer. When I was 12 and he was... um, hm. Younger? We went to this oil rig as he said that he had some kind of big, but non-malicious thing going on out here to smuggle in some fuel for him. It was an HRG that helped him. I'm innocent. While here, I found this room and spat in it. I guess it went unused I guess until you happened."

"Then why do you look like you did before and not 12?" Kanaya asked.

"Because this machine actually also draws some holy power, and uses your soul, which is age-based, as a template for the body it makes. Since my body was physically in its 30s when it died, it went on that - my latter death, and not the time that I spat in the machine."

"...I still don't like the way you killed Edward. He may have been a stalker, but you could have told me that instead of making me wait for weeks or months or however long you knew. I challenge you to a duel."

"Well I knew that he was creepy and actually abusive but I guess I should have told you that, matey. If a duel is still what thine wants, it is what thine gets. Now... VAMPIRE DUEL!"

They glared at eachother, and then got into position. And did all kinds of hand motions and feet stances. But nothing was happening.

"Um..." Aranea said, "Should someone tell them?"

"I will." Answered Dave. "You see, I was really into vampires and looked them up. It turns out, when you die, the vampire magic leaves you and you kind of become normal, unless you were familiarized. That explains Alucard and Kanaya's (and Porrim's and Dolorosa's and Medicman's) lack of vampirism, but also just saying that he spat before the vampirising started would work."

"Then what the hell is a vampire ghost?" Kanaya asked. "I thought it was the ghosts of vampires."

"A ghost that draws vampire magic into it. Obviously."

"Anyway," Electric cut in, "We should make a be-line for the submarine. After all, all of the sharks and stuff are dead."

"It might not be that simple." Aradia said. "You see, Jaws is no ordinary supershark."

---

(Another Flashback)

I was at the beach myself, back when I was 14. Aradia said. It seemed like fun. But then...

There was a guy standing by the shores, holding up a grown shark. He was really strong, okay?

"I have perfectly engineered you to be a great warrior who can breathe on water and land. And can talk and everything. You will make a good maid. Now... what else can I do..."

Then Jaws laughed, and looked at the guy. "DOES YO REALLY THINK'LL BE THE LEADER OF THIS PARTNERSHIP?"

Then he used his tailfin to stab the experiment guy! Aradia watched, not in shock though because this was after she became bored and emotionless.

However, she didn't lose heroism or anything, so she ran over to Jaws and attacked him with a gun. Sadly, Jaws was also immune to bullets, and also impaled Aradia.

I fell to the ground, panicking, but luckily, I had one thing to help...

She took a book out of her pocket labeled Dark Spells, then flipped through it. Resurrection I. Allows you to come back each time after using it, as using it gives you a sort of "auto revive". Resurrection II is allowing you to keep coming back, but this was far more complicated so that's why Aradia herself didn't use it. Both of these can only be undone by light magic. Aradia started casting the spell, but it involved making a circle of blood and the like around them, so it was complicated.

We both died. Then came back. Then Jaws took the book, and declared me an enemy, then drained his blood and prepared to use Resurrection II. Which involves killing other people, too, part of the reason why I didn't do it. Because I'm not a killer. He kept me alive as a thanks for letting him have the book, but according to my death in the war, it was a one-time only deal.

---

Alucard had a ton of weapons along. While a cloud of dark gas was above Jaw's corpse. Then, it flashed and reformed, and there was another Jaws! And yes, the dead body was still there. Um... unlike Resurrection I, where it's also revived like Pip revivals, because I just don't like the idea of Aradia still having a burried corpse around or something.

The Pulp Fiction theme began playing and Alucard grinned. "To make up for this horrible set of events where I led to my own death and your missery for a few days, allow me to sacrifice myself."

"No!" Kanaya cried, "It should be me!"

"Please, matey, my Bro is already dead. I don't have as much to gain from still being alive as you. Let me do this."

Alucard ran in the nude with the guns and weapons around him as he screamed "GOODBYE!" And started attacking on Jaws! The Rainbow Crew also ran out, and as they were reunited they all easily and quickly overpowerd Jaws! Then took down all of the sea monsters, including Cthulhu (who was bigger than the rig at its full size, to increase the badass) who was taken down from having 96 people ram at him at once and Cthulhu lost balance and fell over.

"NO! MY AWAKENING WAS SUPPOSED TO BRING ABOUT THE APOCALYPSE!" Cthulhu cried.

The Rainbow Crew made it to the submarine! But then Jaws jumped over and knocked it farther out into the sea, sadly.

"Oh no you don't..." Alucard said, he grabbed on a chain and rode it down, gun-shooting him to immobilize him. Alucard then jumped on Jaws, and held up this huge sheet thing of metal.

"CREW!" He cried. "This should keep you safe from the mega explosion. Mateys, go on without me, go far, and be true. Something something something, grow up and progress. Now... OH GOD I FEEL THE RISING HEAT IT'S HOTTER THAN I THOUGHT IT HURTS MOOOO!"

BOOM.

A mega explosion visible from space happened when the oil and gas was ignited. Alucard died, of course, but the Crew survived on that same sheet of metal that saved them. And there they were. Naked and only on that.

"HEY!" Cried Equius, "Look. It's the submarine."

Feferi, who had actually been swimming around, emerged from the water with two things in her hand. One was Die's doll, the other was the hemoshield.

"I went around swimming while you were just angsting about being brought back just to die. Look what I found!"

"HEY! I WANTED THIS!" Karkat shouted, taking the shield back. Then he put it over his crotch. "I DID THIS FOR TWO REASONS. ONE, COVERING UP. TWO, TO CALL DIBS. WHICH I SHOULD HAVE DONE A LONG TIME AGO."

Ross grabbed the doll, which ticked off Rose.

"We could use this... maybe..."

Sadly, Feferi's climbing back on the metal caused it to break up its already shadey state. It began breaking piece by piece as they kept paddling their way through. And grouping together, to needing to pile up.

"Thank god no-one can see us like this." Said Equius. "Too lewd."

But there were the rescue boats. Rose flipped them off.

Eventually, it got so bad that they were just one giant, vertical pile of one on top another. Kind of like that part of Family Guy where they were stranded and had an orgy - BUT IT WASN'T AN ORGY THEY NEED TO DO THIS TO SURVIVE! IT'S AN IMPORTANT PART OF THE PLOT!

They reached the submarine, and climbed in. Cronus turned the ignition but THERE WAS NO GAS!

"Aw shit." Said Rose.

"At least we still have the rescue boats!" John cried.

They didn't care, but they DID care when they saw something a bit more familiar on their radar. It was a bigger boat, manned by the Pikmin interns!

"Thank god you sent that flare when you did," a Blue Pikmin said, "If it was too early, we might have been blown up. Like... some of those rescue boats were."

"Oh..."

"And if it was too late... well, you'd be dead. But anyway this is cool there's fire electricity and water, the three 'primary' colors of us all like that."

Then the interns towed the submarine, as the Crew wanted to keep this as a trophy for surviving the horrors of war. So they drove through, it was only noon so it was kind of unfitting and not as cool as the Conker war chapter, but they still looked anyway at the rescue boats. Oh, and with Jaws out of the way and not focusing on the war anymore, the clouds cleared up.

"A terrible thing, war is." Jade said. She walked out of the submarine, then on the top of the intern's boats. The others followed her when they realized, Why the fuck am I staying in a cramped submarine when there's this cool boat to get to? The other rescue boats were following them without anyone to rescue, so Jade talked to them. "While the generals just sit back and-"

She noticed that they were either staring or cheering things like "WOO JADE!" "YOU'RE MY FAVORITE RAINBOW CREW MEMBER!" "NO MORE TEASING, YOU'RE NAKED!" "CAN I GET YOUR AUTOGRAPH?" and "HOT!" Except the straight women and gay men who were looking bored.

"Hey cool, I have fans just by myself!" Yep, everyone was in the lower floors. I think it would be funny if they had to get back to Chicago naked, so there wasn't any clothes on board. You know, Pikmin are nudists. I'm not kidding about that one. "Hrm... you know, we could talk about boring old war, or watch me do naked yoga while I flip between my male and female body types! Which one do you want?"

"YOGA! YOGA! YOGA! YOGA!"

---

(Below Floor)

"Say, that thing Jade said above reminds me," Kanaya said. "Why can I not be a vampire but I can give myself a guy's body?"

"Oh, that's because the Ballad of Duality, unlike vampire magic it kind of... sticks around." Dave said. He was trying to re-apply Porrim's tattoos. He was on her ass right now. By which I mean, he was on the point where he was doing the ass tattoos. Not that he was standing on her butt. If he was, it would be funnier when the following happened because Porrim stood up, which would have launched him like a catapult.

"OH MY GOD!" She cried, "WE FORGOT DOOMGUY!" But instead she just leaned up and hit his head.

He crawled in through the window. "I blew up Doom Hell. This is nothing. I survived underwater in a kelp forest."

"Rose, because it might piss you off," Ross said, "Look what I'm about to do."

He pulled all the needles out, and there was no eight, and that made the Felt guys re-appear!

"Hi. Do you feel like working for us now?"

They looked at eachother. "Y-you know that thing Scratch did with Damara?" Icthy asked. "About being forced to work or he'll seek us down and kill us?"

"Yeah."

"It turns out he did it with us too. So yeah, we'll work with you."

Rose seethed. But John felt like pointing a few things out as Jade walked down to the lower floor too, blowing kisses at her fans.

"Well. It looks like we, as a Rainbow Crew, are reunited. And have even more people now." Were the things John pointed out.

"Anyway... Ross and I... well, Dirk, we discussed this a bit close by eachother on that little chunk of metal through whispers. We are resigning our co-positions as leaders, and want you to take it up instead."

"Ok. Can I get Dian to join? I have a feeling she'll cooperate greatly with me."

"It's not my call anymore." Rose said with a shrug. "It's your's. My last official movement before greatly demoting myself was letting the leprechauns join."

"CAN I JOIN?" Asked Doomguy. Then he said, "KIDDING! No way I'd want to join you naked weirdos. I'm not talking about the revival since that's against your control, I read through your photographs. Those are your casual outfits? No thank you."

Then everybody laughed, the camera showed the boat still towing the sub, as they went out into the ocean. And then it did the credits. You'll have to use your imagination on that.

---

Closing AN:

Well, this chapter was certainly a... something. Probably a huge way to start up the season, which now that I think about it would kinda consist of six stories that might as well be their own seasons of chapters instead of solo chapters. Yes, that's right, six. Normally I don't want to say too much about how long a given season is anymore, but I kinda let that slip with this. Meh.

Well, there'll be a lot of connecting themes here, but they're very loose themes. Back when this fan fic was in its early planning stages, this was supposed to be one last stretch of "not really filler" so that I could toy around freely with the characters and this world before having to grid-lock them to the "main plot" for a quick endgame. But you can kinda tell that I'm not putting so much effort into the (lack-of-)quality for this arc... and don't care too much for it (hence the long delay), partly because I'm very, very disappointed with a lot of the directions the canon At 6 has gone and now I'm just getting further and further away from my interest in the comic. If you can't tell from this chapter, then you'll probably be able to tell from the following final eight that I'm also getting a bit more critical if not outright hostile of it.

I think I might have more to say on this, if I do I'll probably add it even after this season is finished. For now, I don't really know.

HANDLES:

GCAT People (Originals): GG is Jade, GC is Terezi, GA is Kanaya, GT is John. CG is Karkat, CC is Feferi, CA is Eridan, CT is Equius. AG is Vriska, AC is Nepeta, AA is Aradia, AT is Tavros. TG is Dave, TC is Gamzee, TA is Sollux, and TT is Rose. So, the usual.

EDIB People (Act 6-Newcomers): EE is Jake, ED is Latula, EI is Porrim, EB is Jane. DE is Kankri, DD is Meenah, DI is Cronus, DB is Horuss. IE is Aranea, ID is Meulin, II is Damara, IB is Rufioh. BE is Dirk, BD is Kurloz, BI is Mituna, and BB is Roxy.