Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals
Chapter 22: Mature Content
Beginning AN:
I believe the most important thing to say about this chapter is that the title is a joke. It's actually probably going to be less dodgy than the previous chapter. Especially what happened near the end. Hoo boy... I kind of apologize especially since I didn't plan of them actually doing it until late into writing the rough draft, but at the same time I thought about going that little extra mile and I'm not going to change it back.
The chapter itself... I don't even know what to expect, even when I was doing the rough draft. This is probably among the least of planned when it comes to the chapter's content, and it's the shortest of the season. A lot was improvised so I'm not even really sure.
Disclaimer: The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert teenagers and one badass giant inkish-spewing... robot... thing... I don't even know at this point. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!
It was now April 13th. Still of 2011.
There was no sign of Jaws in a while, and things were going by peacefully with the Rainbow Crew, as they were relaxing in their treehouse and not in immediate need to stop danger.
"We have expanded our business." I know this isn't the start of a new season, but I wanted Aranea to explain a little of this mini-time skip and don't worry this is just this paragraph long. This went from February to April, only covering a tiny bit of March I think. Because fuck March. "We now do little tasks and help out those who request us, and get even richer than before somehow."
They now also had a private island and Carl got mad when the Crew gave him a postcard of the island, because Hecksing still only had a manor. This was ignoring that the Crew opperates in a damn treehouse of all things. I mean what superhero does that? Wood Man?
Things were going fine until they heard a knock on their door.
"So, Scratch." Said Damara.
"We'll still wait." Said Rose as she went to answer it. "Right now he's still building up that tower of his and added a lot more rooms by the look of it. Any time any of us tries to get near that place, he pushes us away with his stupid Vitamin Scratch powers. We'll come up with an opperation to neutralize that later."
"He's probably preparing something big." Said Damara, "After all, that stuff gives you headaches if overused, so he's really going all-out if he's trying to tollerate that just to stall the showdown."
There was a nude woman, with weird looking black streaks over her bits. At the door I mean.
"Fix this." Said she.
"I'm sorry... is this a request?" Rose asked.
"Sort of. Some strange robot thing keeps trying to shoot this black stuff on our nudist location that 'censors' us. It's pretty annoying."
"Huh?"
"It just paints us black. And there's rumours that the 'Censorbot' might try to rise and kill us. You fought off someone that worked the same way, right?"
"Yes. Her name was Candy Flowers. She's dead now, we think. I mean, she was 70 when we fought her in the past. And she was arrested for attempted murder."
"Well, I think this robot might be similar. But to fight it, you'll have to take a trip to Greece."
"Ugh! That's a little too much of a distance-"
Dirk peeked his head by the door. "Hello? We can still help you out-"
"What about the other requests?" Asked Rose.
"Rose, did you forget everything that happened to you in the jury mission? What happened to being nicer?"
"...Fine."
It turns out that there were a lot more nudists behind her, most of them also stained with the black.
"Oh boy." Said Rose, "Yeah, this looks urgent."
"The Rainbow Crew are going to Greece?"
"Yep."
CHAPTER XXII
(Airplane)
Compared to the right-before-Waterwraith stuff in chapter 9 this was rather uneventful (and that is saying something since nothing happened in that). Rufioh in particular was feeling bored about the trip so he looked outside and saw that by this point they were over the ocean. They were low enough so that it looked like the ocean stretched endlessly and they couldn't see the land on either side so this will obviously make the flight feel much longer than it already is.
"Attention all passengers" said the flight, "There are about six more hours to this flight left. I hope you're good at sleeping while sitting!"
Rufioh then went closer towards Horuss.
"We are still a couple right?" He asked.
"Of course! You were the one who contemplated breaking up with me, weren't you?"
"Yeah. So much happened and... it's hard to remember."
He looked over towards Damara, and sighed.
"I still feel so weird about... everything that's happened and is centered around me. Horuss, ya dig?"
"I can't dig right now. I'm on a plane. That would be illegal."
He said this mostly because their flight movie was Snakes on a Plane.
Rufioh, of course being himself, just sat back and still over the seats, and sighed.
The plane landed and when the Crew got out, there was a dude who looked like a cop standing there with their name out. But they ain't trying to get arrested they just got here. Most of them sprang with the quickness of lightning, but John stook around because he's making himself the honest one.
"Mr., are we in trouble for something?"
"Dress code violations."
The entire Rainbow Crew froze.
"Yeah, you're supposed to go naked at this spot of Greece. It's kind of the law here. There are a few naked spots. So I take it you've heard about the 'Censorbot' thing?"
"Yes." Said Dirk, "And we are on red alert to find the source of the problem and stop it."
"Well, about an hour's drive over is the Spartan Time Travel Corps Headquarters, and it's not a naked spot. There, you'll find all kinds of information. Though I warn you: They only do the big things in-action, and this is something they've considered doing. Usually Hecksing gets it instead. And I hear the Spartants are considering getting Hecksing to do this one."
Rose shook her fist. "We will try to get this job done. Mostly because I fucking hate that Carl guy and I want to show him up. Now, can we rent a truck?"
"I have an SUV."
"I was looking more for a pickup!" Said Jake.
"Sorry, but it's the last one in stock."
"Oh no..." Said Jake, "This is going to challenge my origins and life as an Illinoisian!"
"BFD." Said Damara, which got Rufioh to look over again, but still didn't really do anything.
(Let's Skip the Drive Because it's Boring. At the Headquarters)
"Wow." Said Tavros, "I DIDN'T... EXPECT IT TO LOOK LIKE A COLLISEUM. I THOUGHT GREECE OUTGREW THAT."
Yes indeed, it did resemble one of those old-fashioned Rome buildings or something like that. But it had a bunch of fancy professional signs by it and a little fountains and high-tech signs that fancied it up.
"Why didn't we ask Karkta to teleport us here?" Asked Aranea.
"Because that would be illegal immigration." Rose answered. "For some reason, America didn't really have that law when it came to our Alternian teleportation escapades. My guess is that that country was so shitty that America thought that if someone made it here, they earned it, and that Alternia was so shitty they couldn't even figure out that much of a related law in the first place."
"Understood. I have to write that down."
So then they entered and if this were something with sound it would play like some fancy but ominous trumphet music. Kind of like that part in Shrek (the first movie) when Shrek first went to the city.
"It's slightly quiet in here..." Said Rose, "Too quiet..."
Suddenly, a bunch of people sprung up! To some of the Crew, they appeared to only be wearing small black thongs. To others, large robes matching their skin colors. I described the general skin pattern in the sixth chapter of Hecksing: The Dawn, but I'll do it here: If you line them up, they all make a closed spectrum circle thing, all in 360 colors, but close together you can barely tell a difference. I'd say HTD describes it better, and it does, but I don't want to pimp that out. (Too much.) To Jake, they were somewhat familiar.
"HALT!" Shouted the pure red one. "You are not Hecksing! In fact, you're... well, I'm sure you know about the events that Kanaya's boyfriend's death led up to. But little about what happened to them between that and your encounter."
"Who are you?" Asked John, "And why are you almost naked too?"
"We are Squad Twelve of the Spartan Time Traveling Corps. And you have failed our honesty test. What we are wearing over these are the King Leonidas's New Robes, only visible to the more honest people, the more honest they are."
"I cans see them!" Cried Jean.
"Me too!" Said Ross.
"Yes, counterparts. They are built in honesty for the most part." The red one continued. Jake suddenly started freaking out.
"Oh my goodness... OH MY GOODNESS!" He cried, "Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow, OH WOW!"
"What is it Jake?" Asked Dirk.
"Remember when I said that the illusion Rip gave me involved several pretty ladies? Well, she bears more than a passing resemblance to Red."
"Hoo boy..." The one who had spoken previously said. Also they had horns, tails, and wings that matched the skin colors sort of. Again. "Rip. The Rip Van Winkle?"
"Yesserunie!"
"Ugh." She stood up from the throne-like thing and faced the Rainbow Crew. Boy, despite being a large Crew (and yes they had the first gens and the leprechauns with them they all looked pretty small like this) they looked really small in this situation. This location. This... whatever. "I really hate her...
"Anyway, what we want is for you, that is your team in particular, to even prove yourselves worthy of beating Censorbot. I'm actually named Red, by the way."
"But your friends kind of forced us to go here..." Said Jean.
"They were not in our juristiction. They were just supporters who thought that you would be easier to contact than, say, Hecksing. They contacted you to contact us in a way."
"How will we be tested?" Asked Virkso, "Also I don't like being able to see those stupid robes so let me see if this will work. THE SKY IS RED THE SKY IS RED THE SKY IS RED."
And in his POV, the robes turned clearer until they disappeared!
"Hey! It worked!"
Red sighed. "We'll inform you of the details and the sollution right away. First, when the Troll Empress was killed, her taser was revealed to have set a signal that activates upon her death. Similar to the signal of the Death Mecha, I think you know him, we intercepted DM's message or something and saw the photos of you. This signal was sent to Censorbot, who activated a week later and started doing what you've seen now."
"The censoring?"
"Really, Virkso. Of course, the censoring. No shit Sherlock. Why do you think they call him Censorbot- sorry, I'm getting a little too mad."
"Say." Said Jake, "By any chance are the people named after their colors? Like, the pure blue one is just named blue, the green one green, ecsetra?"
"Yes. Again, Rip... Rip sucks. That's all you need to know about her."
"I have that noted in my journal!" Shouted Nepeta, who waved around said thing.
Red raised an eyebrow. "Huh. You're naked. I didn't notice that. Cool. It's nice to see another - well, it's nice."
Nepeta giggled. "I don't really like clothes too much. Well, tops. I like bottoms, but they don't fit very well-"
"YOU SAID THAT ALREADY," John said, actually partially nervous because of the 360 glaring people at him. Karkat would have just shouted that, but he underwent character development back in season four I think and is above that shit now.
"So if we just kill Censorbot, will that prove anything about us to you?" Asked Rose. "This option makes sense."
"Not exactly... we're not above doing this ourselves. We just want to know if you're good enough to work as heroes."
"Ugh. You sound exactly like Hank Hill."
"Am I? I'm sorry, I'm trying not to. You know, we'll just take you over to Censorbot's place of operation, and we can try to do the mission together. I do warn you, it's an hour-long drive."
"I can teleport you all there!" Karkta cheered.
"Great!"
So then Red gave Karkta the directions, and the Rainbow Crew teleported over to the Spartain group's throne area, and yes those thongs were like as in Jake's illusion that Rip gave him. Of course, he had to open his mouth about this.
"So Rip does know a lot about you." He said. "The details of the garments are... very accurate, especially since I never even met you before the illusion."
"Why did you ask?" Answered Blue this time, in a very geekish way.
"Well, because in the illusion you kept... covering yourselves when it comes to the lower regions, and I was deathly curious why. I mean, I have seen a lot of vaginas along my adventures, but-"
"Rip was just messing with you. We look like every other woman when naked. Except, you know, the horns and the wings and the tails. Now, let's focus on this mission!"
They were by an ominous, large black pool of the same censor tar ink stuff. It swirling around in like a giant toilet. Dirk's shade glared or something like that.
"I know how to get in. It will be just like the boat in the Peach Creek Swamp. We just need a way to-" Yeah Dirk said this if you didn't figure it out from the shade glaring.
"Oh, wait." Said Blue, taking the Quantum Coin out of Terezi's pocket and snapping it in half. "Yeah, we don't really like these things. They're not illegal, but I tend to snap any object that makes split timelines I come across." Then she looked at the ground and sniffed. "Like Kamina did..."
"-Anyway, I need a rocket board and some way to fit 470 people on that at once." Dirk finished.
"Oh, we have a pocket-space-related flower technology based on how Pikmin can get into their Onions." Said Red, "I'll be happy to hook one up if you fetch a rocket board."
Since that was also boring it happened offscreen. There was another rocket board, but there was this little flower thing on it. Everyone except Dirk shrunk and then went in it and disappeared in greenish-yellow puffs, and the flower closed when it was just Dirk left, who got on. He got a radio signal from inside, and it was Green:
"If you touch that stuff, you'll be censored for lord knows how long. All it does is paint you over, but it will also prevent you from swearing. But that is all to worry about, so don't waste time whining."
"...Noted?" Dirk said, then he jumped off and went inside.
Behind him, Carl, Seras, Rip, and Captain ran up to the vortex.
"Aw, man!" Carl said, "Those assholes are getting ahead of me! I was sure we would be called for this mission!"
"You mean you ordered us to get here on unsure grounds?" Seras asked. "BLEH!"
"Well, I thought the mission was our's garunteed. Anyway, let's follow after them. Seras, Rip, you can fly in. Now I'm bad at flying, and there's no way I'm touching that, so Captain I want to ride on you."
"OKAY!" Said the Captain.
(Tunnel)
The cave-tunnel thing still had a stalagtight. Carl hit his head on it, and then his face and upper chest were coated in the black ink stuff. "I SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED THAT I AM ALSO NOT THAT GOOD AT FLYING." Said Captain.
"Urgh... you (BLEEP)ing dumbass." Carl said. Then he looked around for a minute. "Wait. What the (BLEEP)? Is this because we're near Censorbot's case?"
"Fuck no." Rip giggled, "This is because you touched the censor material. It has nanobots that record your brainwaves, and if you are about to swear, then it sends mild blessed shocks to your nerves, muscles, and vocal cords that only cause you to utter silence. The bleeping is from the nanobot's own speakers, but it has no real purpose other than effect."
"Urgh. That Troll Empress is an ass(BLEEP). Huh? I can say ass but not hole? Wait, I can say hole as long as ass isn't in front of it? Man, this TV-PG-level censorship makes no sense."
"That's you Americans!" Seras growled.
"Hey. I'm Martian. Captain and Rip are German."
"Well," Said Rip, "For Captain you are right, but go on."
"And Seras you're from the U.K. This is Greece. Those Spartan members are also from Greece too I think. And the ancestors are Alternian-ish, or former Alternain citizens. Their descendants are Alternian-American. Uh, bottom line the only American people here strongly oppose this and think it's weird."
"Troll Empress is in charge of censorship in American TV." Seras shrugged, "Which actually explains a lot. Did you say last night's Ren and Stimpy?"
"Nah, because I was up all night plotting my revenge!"
He laughed evilly as the camera gave a dramatic closeup.
(Boss Room)
Dirk landed just fine. There may have been a lot of flying straight down (and through whatever curves the tunnel offered) like that level in Conker with the magma and the surfing, but it was still pretty uneventful since neither the Rainbow Crew nor the Spartan group even knew about Hecksing tagging along behind them.
When Hecksing landed, and this was after the flower re-opened and everyone got out, this is when shit got real.
"Well well well. All three organizations, finally meeting together at once." Said Carl.
"All... three?" Asked Jane. "I'm sorry, but what? Surely there are more than three of whatever such organizations on the planet. Also, hello Carl."
"Yeah, yeah, there are, I mean the three I'm familiar with. After just twosome crossovers, there's now a threesome!"
"Uh, we never technically met the real Spratan group until just moments before you made it a trio." Jake shrugged.
"Okay I was just being dramatic. Still, we're all here. What's the big enemy we gotta blow up or shoot or whatever?"
"I thought I told you to get lost." Said Nan. John briefly froze because he thought about the time traveling and briefly still thought she was talking to him.
"I'm over groping people! Seras cured me of that." He shuddered, "A terrible experience. I now know exactly how you feel, and now I do not feel confortable with Seras getting anywhere near machinery ever again."
She still huffed.
Anyway, where they were at... fuck it, I'm out of originality. It just kinda looked like a black ink version of the Great Mighty Poo arena from Conker's Bad Fur Day.
"Hm, I think I saw this place in a movie..." John said, which got Damara to sigh, which got Rufioh to sigh.
Then, the central pool of ink bubbled, and slowly something terrible and monsterous rose out. It looked kinda like HAL9000 (that was the fucker's name, right?) but huge. Under the red light was a black "C" (PS somehow this thing is immune to its own transmissions or whatever you call the black stuff) and there were also three holes further down that was dripping with the stuff. This was one big monolith of terror, staring down the Rainbow Crew, Spartan Squad, and Hecksing with a look of intenseness. Well, as intense as a robot can look.
"I. AM. CENSORBOT." Said Censorbot. "YOU HAVE DEFEATED MY MASTER AND MAKER THE TROLL EMPRESS." Like Omega Drew Pickles, he is voiced by a text-to-speech program. "I WILL ENACT REVENGE BY CENSORING EVERYTHING JUST TO PISS PEOPLE OFF. ENGAGING ULTIMATE PLAN: MAKING EVERYTHING TV-14."
"This is lame." Said Dave, "This is just like that crazy old lady we saw earlier. Sort of. Except she just wanted to kill us."
"CONTENT SLATED FOR MATURITY. MUST CENSOR." Said Censorbot, "INITIATING."
Equius fired a light arrow at it, and the red light fired a blast of its own red light (PS the red light on the robot does that cliche thing of lightening up each syllable Censorbot says). However, the light arrow was stopped in the middle of the beam! And the light went out, as the arrow disintegrated!
Equius was about to say "That's new" but only got out "Th" before the laser hit the entire group. Or, all three groups. The blast, paradoxically-to his motives it seems, just knocked all their clothes off, but it also caused a cave-in, and then the censor material fell on everyone! And the nanobots moved it away from the appropriate bits. Okay this wasn't apparant since they were all burried at first, but once they were quickly shot out of the now-flooding lair it was. They all landed like rain in some related city.
"Well." Said Carl. "This (BLEEP)ing sucks."
"Oh no." Said Rip, "OH NO! I cannot use my vampire powers!"
"Yeah," Seras sighed, "Mine are busted too."
Carl whistled. "Oh. I didn't know it disabled vampire-"
"AND WEREWOLF!" Said the Captain, frowning hard.
"-powers, I guess I never checked when I was initially hit."
Then Censorbot rose from the pit, took to the sky revealing there was a jet on its underside, and it stared down at all the others. "INIITAING CENSOR-PLAN: PROJECT-TYPE GLOBAL!"
They all heard some familiar laughing. Jaws stuck his head from the back end of Censorbot! And of course because the nanobots aren't tested on animals (because Peta, goddamn nutjosb) the censor stuff was freaking out and going all over him. Before leaving. Anyway like usual Jaws laughed.
"Oy! 'uess who gave this bloke a lil' tip on who was comin' o'er!" He cried.
"How did you get here so fast?" Asked Karkat.
Jaws held up the portal rock. "I hijacked your plain ride and stole this from ya' when you weren't lookin'."
So then Censorbot started shooting out the ink stuff everywhere, and also knocking off everyone's clothes too for some reason. Again, kinda counter-productive. Nepeta sighed.
"I hate to say this... but I think we have to work with Hecksing... again." She said.
"UNLEASHING BARE-COVERAGE PLAN." Shouted Censorbot. "TO STRIP THE POPULATION AND ONLY COVER THEM SLIGHTLY."
"You can't make them naked against their own will! That's... bad!" Shouted John.
"IT IS WHAT YOU PREACH, IS IT NOT?"
The Rainbow Crew looked at eachother. As did the Spartan squad. And Hecksing, except the Captain because he was the odd one out when it comes to this.
"You mean..." Jane said, "Our repeated nudity... was your inspiration?" See, this story makes fun of democrats too.
Rose shook her head. "Oh shit, I can hear the citizens blaming us for something that is entirely the Troll Empress's fault, may her soul rot in hell."
"Which hell?" Asked Jake.
"Doesn't matter," Said Equius, "Because right now we must find a way to weaken both the robot and the shark."
"ANNIHALATE! ANNIALAET!" Cried Censorbot, zapping people's clothes off and then blasting the censor ink on their bodies.
"This plan doesn't even make sense!" Karkat bitched.
"Maybe it does! Hee hee!" Laughed Karkta. "We just need to look a little more into it-"
"No! If we do, then it will take over the world!"
"This was built by the Troll Empress," Rose sighed, "What do you expect?"
(I looked over it and there weren't that many line breaks so I'm just adding them at seemingly good checkpoints, such as if it would be good to cut to a commercial if this was a TV show. In this case no time has passed and there isn't a scene change)(A)
"Alright," Said Green, "Quick little status report. We are out of supplies and the vampires cannot use their powers. However, Rufioh, Rufiye, and Inflamed might be able to fly some of you over there, and we'll be happy to fly the rest. Since the vampires appear to be in whatever form they were in before getting splashed, they don't have the wings physically."
"And to be honest," Said Carl, "If we did, they wouldn't work. At least mine wouldn't. Because I actually levitate myself, and the wings are only for show! I mean, the wings probably wouldn't actually physically support me, because I'm so buff!"
Jade shuddered, "I knew someone who was 'so buff.' Pretty terrible stalker person." Then she looked around the Crew. "N-n-none of you guys! It was someone else! Someone at my school!"
Karkta shrugged. "Hey um, I think our troll powers on the other hand still work."
She tried to teleport them but can't. Karkat face-palmed.
"You dumb (BLEEP)head! Vampire powers are derived from the troll jadeblood, and this is a project by the Troll Empress, who can neutralize things we have! So of course she planned this censor stuff to neutralize the other hemospectrum abilities!"
"What about our time-related magic?" Asked Biscuits.
"...Now that makes sense!"
Karkta frowned.
Biscuits simplified everything by getting everyone into his oven thing, and the one person who remained outside was Red, who grabbed it and flew upward. Which went by smoothly, aside from dodging a tiny amount of shooting lasers from Censorbot's part.
So um Red got on at first and so did the whole group, when they got out Jaws was greeting them up! He laughed, again, and cocked his musket, again. Rip saw this and got offended.
"Hey! That is my weapon! The musket that punishes all without distinction!"
"But I punish wi'h distinction!" Shouted Jaws, "Specifically, the distinction of those that I hate even more than others! Wait, did I use distinction right?"
"Um, I don't think so." Said Jane.
"Well it doesn't matter, because I have the advantage! I have the weapon, while all of what you have was blown off!"
"Say," Asked John, "Biscuits, how did you keep that oven of your's? The other leprechauns say they don't have their things." He asked them that offscreen, "They were also blasted away."
"WE SHOULD HAVE SPENT TIME RE-GROUPING THEM!" Cried Karkat.
"But then all clothes in the world would be gone by that point!" John continued.
"Well," Said Biscuits, "I learned some things from Nepeta, like making pocket storages. Those didn't fly away from us because I can just use my chakra to access them at any point."
Nepeta took out her journal and put it back in, by it turning into flashes of blue light when it entered and exited. "See? It's pretty cool!" She cried, "You should do that too!"
Rose then remembered that she felt something on her back. "Wait a minute. Roxy, Eridan, Nepeta too, and Feferi. Turn around."
"If you're comparing asses, I think mine is the best." Said Nepeta. Everyone else nodded, except Carl ironically (get it he's a pervert?) because he was still pissed that the Rainbow Crew hates him because he's so hateable. What he doesn't know is that the Spartan squad also really kinda hates him.
"Hm... yes!" Rose cried, "Somehow, the Ichigo Blades survived the blast!"
"Ichigo himself said that the sword holders are really tight and can withstand strong blasts." Gruffed Eridan. "Everyone knows that." And no, this wasn't said earlier. Yes, this very important (I think) information came out of nowhere. It's bad writing, but deal with it as I'm pointing it out so it's not as bad.
"We should use these together!" Feferi cried.
Rose sighed (rhyme). "That was what I was going to get at, but since you like cutting to the point... yes, instead of cutting the point, let's cut the shark! Alltogether, Ichigo Blades go!"
They drew them, and then Ichigo himself appeared yet again. He still had his clothes on so he wasn't hit by the blast.
"I'll help you! Let me draw out my own sword!"
So the six of them did, and charged over there as triumphant music played. They charged to Jaw's location and using their training they managed to bolt over and away the bullets that came after them, using extremely fast reflexes. Honestly that was mostly Nepeta's doing. Then they all did that anime thing where they jumped up from different sides at once and prepared to strike him down. But Jaws laughed.
"Oy! Really?" He cried, then laughed as he snapped his fingers.
Suddenly, a bullet from above struck Ichigo's arm! the one holding the sword! He gasped out in pain and did the anime grit-teeth thing, as the sword dropped down. The same bullet, since the five students were distracted by the arm-injury, also had the bullet go after them, and tried to deflect it, just to have their swords get knocked out before finally Rose kicked it to the ground and briefly took away the magic control on it. Sadly Rose was also the last sword to be lost. The Ichigo Swords and Ichigo's Sword all clanked at the top of Censorbot above, then Jaws laughed again as he shot another shot that blew Ichigo into bits.
(Just Another checkpoint)
"I 'AVE ONE THING YA' DON'T! THE ELEMENT OF SUR'ISE!" He (Jaws in case you forgot since the break) cried, jumping so that he wasn't in the middle of the students anymore.
"OH DO YOU?" Cried Nan, rushing up to him and very close to punching him really hard-
She jumped back when another bullet fell on the ground, then Jaws walked backwards and stuck his musket out. "Don't ya' think I have a keen eye, especially in a place with such a narrow walkway? Karkat, I saw you directing Nan behind my 'ith those 'ead guestures while the Ichigo group attacked. Now, stay right where you are with your hands up. Deja 'u..."
And then he also shot the swords, and broke all of them. The Ichigo Blade stuff was over. Finally too, I mean I've wanted to end that since as the story went on and the Rainbow Crew got more things and changed their identity around more it felt less fitting, I guess this is a good way to do it.
Then there was a scan coming from the top of Censorbot. It analyzed Ichigo's corpse and how his body parts were all over and splattered around a blood thing with his head just kinda there and then a loud buzzer sounded.
"VIOLENCE DETECTED. GRAPHIC VIOLENCE DETECTED. MUST CLEAR OUT, AND THEN ASSAULT OFFENDER!"
Then Censorbot flipped around and sent every single person flying, but thankfully they were really close to a skyscraper so they just fell in through the windows.
"At least he also hates violence!" Cheered Jane.
"HEY!" Shouted Karkat, "I LIKE WATCHING VIOLENCE ON TV! COULD YOU IMAGINE IF EVERYTHING WAS JUST CUDDLING? YOU HAVE TO GET YOUR HEAD OUTSIDE OF THE WORLD BEING YOURSELF!"
"Yeah I like good beatings too honk honk. In movies." Um this is Gamzee I would think this was obvious but Gamsis existed too.
"Me too!" John cheered, "Like those zombie movies where they rip others apart! I think I saw one that started out as an innocent thanksgiving fluff crap, and then the seemingly main character's head gets ripped off!"
"Yeah!" Jake cheered.
And Rose snickered too. "A great expectation subverter."
"Okay, okay... weirdoes." Said Jane.
"Hey!" Carl cried, "You have no right to call anybody else weirdoes, you sex-swapping polygamous mockeries of justice!" Then he leaned into Seras and Rip, "Now when we're done and uncensored, we'll try to see if we can bed ourselves together... heh heh, if you know what I mean."
"There is very little ambiguity in that sentence." Said Rip.
Jaws chuckled a little like an idiot. "Okay, okay... now that we're all together-"
"ANNHAIALATE!" Cried Censorbot, as it fired more lasers at the building! But there were still people inside! The building then leaned over and crashed into another skyscraper, and so on until dominos. But thankfully because they were dominoing into from one place to another, that cushioned the fall! Jaws was killed, so Equius prepared some light magic on his own hands - but once again, that failed.
"It's because you have to hit him while his spirit is inhabiting the body. Using it on a corpse doesn't work." Explained Red, "We know a little of light magic, especially Chartreuse. She'll be able to take care of that."
Rose sighed, then yawned. "Didn't you already try this with the Dark Ezekiel thing?"
"Maybe." Said Equius, "Hey. It has been some time."
"Where is Jaws, anyway?" Asked Blue. "He could be somewhere around here! Just... uh, look around."
Seras began digging around. Actually like a dog (not Jade because that joke is old. Fucking seriously. I'm not even joking on that, having Jade automatically dog out isn't fucking funny anymore). This made Rip sigh in annoyance.
"There are better ways to go shark hunting." She said.
"OH MY GOD LET'S WATCH DEADLIEST CATCH!" Dave cried. "Inspiration and I enjoy it unironically. Uh, or was it ironic that I liked it? Thank god I'm not obsessed with irony."
Captain, who was ironically the most dog-like of any of them, wasn't really digging so much as smelling slightly. "For some reason, my heightened senses aren't inhibited. I guess it's because the censor stuff is a lot better at inhitibing troll-related or troll-derived abilities because the Troll Empress is more familiar with it. Anyway, I smell fish."
Carl looked surprised.
"See?" Said Rip, "I told you he wasn't retarded!"
"Neither the medical definition nor the Youtube definition, got it." Said Carl.
When Jaws got out of rubble from far away buildings, he looked up and saw Censorbot staring right at him!
"SUBJECT APPEARS TO BE UNKILLABLE." Said it. "SERIOUSLY. WHAT GIVES."
"Oy! Yeah I'm a lot tougher than that!" He shouted, "WHEN I GET MY MUSKET BACK-"
"Ahem. My musket." Said Rip, and she and the others were all in the process of running over to him.
"Whatever!" Jaws cried. "Plus you're the one to try to call someone out, you're a killer too! Er, an ex-killer, that is."
"Actually didn't you give it to me as a present?" Asked Carl. "So it's mine."
"Right. Fair enough." Said Rip. "Even if you did insult it seconds later."
"But I st'le it from him! So that 'akes it mine, does it?"
Everyone stared at Jaws. But they were still running towards him.
"No it doesn't, you terrible thieving... theief!" Jade yelled herself.
"CENSOTBOT FIRE!" Shouted Censorbot. Uh, wait. It's voiced with text to speech. Yeah, as much shout as that could be.
Suddenly the groups all stopped running and John said "Running closer to the guy the big killer robot is after is not a good idea."
And it wasn't, because Censorbot fired a ton of missiles from its sides and also tried shooting over the censor stuff at Jaws before pausing. "WAIT. SUBJECT IS AN ANIMAL, OR AT LEAST ANIMAL ENOUGH TO NOT REQUIRE CENSORSHIP BY FCC STANDARDS. THAT BEING SAID, DO NOT DRAW SHARKS WITH PENISES. EW."
The Crew looked at eachother.
"We can disguise ourselves and try to get Censorbot to zap this off of us by disguisting as furries!" Cheered Jade.
"Um, no." Rose answered.
Sadly Jaws got the gun back again! Oh Jaws was getting better at the gun due to about two months of practice, so he was able to shoot down all of the attacking weapons but not control them himself because that's not how Rip's powers work. She gives guns limited versions of her powers when chakra-infused, not give guns the abilitity to give them her powers. Although that would be interesting and fit with her deal with the devil motif, and spread on like a virus.
But anyway Jaws then dug underground.
But! This is where Seras's digging skills come into play again! She dug after him, but she started from a safe distance. We then saw side-ways POV and both of them made some pretty good tunnels that sheilded them from the blasts of Censorbot, and Seras sensed her way over to Jaws (they were stuck in their shapeshift bodies and PS Rip and Seras just barely got rid of their wings when they were blasted, but anyway Seras's then-body had a good sense of smell so it should too now) and got him.
"Ha!" She cried, "Got you!"
"Knew that would 'appen! 'S why I hid a buncha bullets in 'ere mate!"
Seras tensed as she saw several blue lights light up. Then she was thankfully dragged out by Rip before they could close in on her and strike her down, instead hitting the ground and causing a bit of a cave in.
"Uh oh! I 'etter find me a place safe!" Jaws shouted, then banging on the metal until it broke, and he fell into a sewer. Then the whole tunnel collapsed while Rip continued carrying Seras out and neither of them could see where he was. When Rip got out, she sighed.
"Jaws got away. Again. Now he is in the sewers."
Dave frowned. "Wellp, I'm never using a toilet again."
"That cave-in is entering the sewers too! Ugh! He is causing so much property damage!"
"First stealing and now property damage?" Red rubbed her chin. "Jeez, where's the Rip that used to make us terrified with fear? All except for Kamina... and well... okay, where is that Rip? She doesn't even care about the big crimes, let alone small...er crimes like that!"
"That Rip is dead." Rip herself said. "I am a completely changed person."
"Bullshit!" Said Roxy, "She gave, like, eight of us some freaky hallucination thingies!"
"And you were part of mine!" Jake cried. "I mean, the whole squad! Well I couldn't tell for sure since there's so many of you and I of course didn't memorize them all in my hallucination or even know all of their names in general, I mean I only had about fifteen or so names I don't know..."
Rip sighed. "I could tell you right now how many of which you heard their names, as I did play the part of all of them. I am that strong of a vampire, after all. And have that good a memory."
"It's not that important." Jake sighed. "Anyway, what's our next priority, and I ask this at anyone since we are three different organizations with at least one leader each."
"Well, Censorbot itself." Said Rose.
"REBELS DETECTED. MUST FIGHT OFF NOW." Cried Censorbot. "ALSO, I AM A MAN."
"Oh sh(BLEEP)! The story always called you an it, so I assumed-" Said Carl. He thought he was going to be interrupted, but he actually wasn't, so he just awardly cut off his own sentence.
Until finally, Red chuckled. "Duh! Fly up to the bot again! With Jaws gone, we can easily go inside that and dismantle him or something!"
"Or we could just dig around and get our weapons." Karkat shrugged. "My shield would be very useful in this situation, assuming it won't be inhibited by the censor stuff."
So they did do some digging around while Censorbot tried to look for Jaws via bad X-raying technology, but failed since sharks have a different blood temperature than humans (cold blooded). Rose finally found the sheild but it wasn't working.
"F(BLEEP)." Said Karkat.
Carl yawned. "I just want my equipment back. You know, my sonic wave guitar would probably tear that thing a new one."
But on the word "Sonic" Seras talked over him and Carl wasn't expecting to be interrupted so he continued talking and they were both going at the same time (nothing new since both the Rainbow Crew and the 360 had a lot of people talking to eachother simultaneously). "AND MY GUN THE HADOKEN CAN TAKE DOWN A ZEPPLIN! IT CAN BRING DOWN THAT (BLEEP)CKSUCKER!"
"For now, let's do something that's actually possible." Sighed Red. "Go back to the plan where we fly after them."
"Or we could keep digging..." Die breathed out, lifting up his doll thing.
"You can keep digging, us Spartans will fly up by ourselves. Or rather: Team! Divide up! All odd-numbered members fly up, evens like me stay back here and offer the Rainbow Crew a ride. We could even dismantle the thing by ourselves if we wanted to. No offense, even if you are trying to prove your worth."
"TARGET SIGHTED!" Shouted Censorbot. "I THINK. LOCATION APPROXIMATE: WILL FIRE MORE MISSILES THERE AT THE MEETING LOCATION. INHALE MY EXPLOSIONS ENRAGEMENT FISH."
"No!" Shouted Red as 180 members of the team began to take off, "If you blow that up, our convicts will survive due to that forcefield we keep in the prison! And 100 of them are the evil fabeled 100 Daughters slash Finishers that we have put into community service for their crimes across the decades! ...Wow. That sounded a lot better in my head. Does any member of the Rainbow Crew know how to do the purple prosy-sh(BLEEP)?"
"Hey!" Cried Carl as Rose looked like she was about to answer. "Why didn't you let us answer?"
"Because you're even bigger freaks than the Crew? I- sorry, rudeness. I lost a close friend and I still kinda blame both of your organizations for that."
Then Blue face-palmed. "Dammit! I just remembered that I also had this thing kept very securly in my own little pocket dimension magic! Let me see if I can re-summon it..."
She took out this weird looking metalic sphere thing. Then threw it down, and suddenly Cortana appeared.
"This was his AI companion in almost all missions, with the exception of his final one, where he decided to go on solo to avoid endangering her. It was what would become an exceptionally important mission to assassinate the Overseer of all HRGs." Red explained.
"Oh, Hitler?" Asked Rose.
"Yes. Hitler Badguy. But he failed and got killed the second Hitler himself entered the fray. Now... just Cortana remains."
"Hi!" Cortana said. "I see you need assistance-"
"MORE NUDITY DETECTED!" Shouted Censorbot. ""FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!1 FIRE!"
And he shot out the ink stuff again, at the very least not trying to blow up the meeting room or whatever. And to prove that I didn't forget that half of the 360 was out fighting him, yes they were doing just that. But Karkat blocked it with his hemoshield. Somehow the Cherub shit still worked and it was still invincible.
"NO WAY!" Cried Karkat, "I AM NOT LETTING YOU RUIN ANOTHER HOTTIE."
"You will eventually, if I up my attack moves."
Such as diving right for them! Seriously, that's what he did, he upped his jets and began crashing into them! But at this point the 360- uh, the half-of-360, had gotten inside. Censorbot started sparking up and had a lot of electricity coursing through him, then stopped. Suddenly, the black ink stuff started completely disolving.
(Yet Another Damn Break)
"Hey! It's going away!" Cheered Tavros, "Uh... I can say fuck again!"
"Did you ever say fuck before?" Asked Rose.
"And, more importantly..." Vriska smirked. "We have our powers back!"
"BACKUP EMERGENCY COUNTER-MEASURES ACTIVATED." Cried Censorbot. "FIRST, MUST EJECT HARMFUL MATERIAL."
And then he shot out the other 360 members like bullets, and they each landed on a half that stayed. Before Red was hit, Jake looked over to her. Specifically her genitals.
"Huh. After all the buildup with Rip's illusion, there's really nothing special about this. Meh." He said.
Censorbot shook off and somehow his red light on top got even redder-
"OHHHHH..." Said Roxy. "I get it. He's shaped like a giant censor bar! So it's more than just, he's a robot and so it Hal! Clever!" Yeah I'm patting myself on the back here. Ignore.
"FACING PROGRAMMING DELEMA THOUGH." Said Censorbot. "TO GO AFTER LARGE TEAM WHO BETRAYED THE TROLL EMPRESS AND MADE UP OF MORE DEVIANT TARGETS. OR TO GO AFTER VERY ANNOYING SHARK. WAIT. THIS IS NO DELEMA. THE SHARK IT IS. FINISH MY PREVIOUS ATTACK."
"NOOOO!" Cried Cortana, "Again, our home base is located here! Look! We're naked again! Does that mean anything to you? I thought it did!"
Censorbot ignored her.
"Team, we don't have much time." Said Red, getting off of one of the irrelevant (uh, or not since that's a big theme in 360DD?) members. I mean getting one off of her. "If Censborbot blows up our meeting place, not only will the Finishers be freed, but all the power linking it to the rest of the city will be shot! Team, and I guess Hecksing and the Rainbow Crew, act out!"
"Roger!" The rest of the team shouted.
"Oh, thank god." Said Rose, digging up the portal gun. "Jaws must have dropped this at some point." Said point was when the building collapsed. "Also Red you or someone else should have mentioned the power thing a lot earlier."
She fired one portal at Censorbot's back. But before the other one, Dave asked "HEY IS AIR PRESSURE GONNA BE A PROBLEM-"
But Rose only regestered that after she fired another portal on the ground. Suddenly, everyone got sucked in. Nepeta quickly withdrew her claws from the subspace dimension spell or whatever, and stuck it on the back of Censorbot. I think that I did something like this in Gumball Vs Satan but screw it instead of getting rid of the portals something else will happen. Hecksing and the 360 just flew, while the Rainbow Crew got on a huge chain where they grabbed on Nepeta's foot.
The Rainbow Crew didn't see it at the time, but Censorbot's red light started glowing orange. "FINAL LASER BLAST PREPARING. THIS MUST BE AMAZING."
Nepeta warped her journal thing out of subspace or whatever and flipped through it. "I HAVE A PLAN!" She cried, "BUT IT'S EXTREMELY RISKY!"
She then warped out a tiny television set and turned it to Ren and Stimpy, then said, "Thank god the network loves to air that..."
This is the Ren and Stimps:
"STIMPY YOU ARE PIESE OF SHIT." Shouted Ren, "I AUGHTA DISMEMBER YOU AND FEED THE REMAINS THE HYENAS, AND THEN GRAPHICALLY SHWO YOUR GETTING EATEN!"
Stimpy just stared at him squinty eyed and smiling, then pointed with fluid animation. "Fuck your mom! In fact, don't mind if I do!"
And then he jumped on this other dog (I think Ren is a dog?) and started humping her. This was blurred out but very poorly. You could pretty much see everything.
...
...
GEETIG CARP PAST THE RADAR!
"Vulgarity!" Censorbot cried as Nepeta sighed in relief.
"It's not like my plan just so happen to boil down to us making it to Greece just when that show came on! ...I have a backup saved on Demand."
Anyway Censorbot stopped and just floated in mid-air, realizing that the target was on his back, began spinning around in place a lot.
Censorbot shouted, "IF I HAD ARMS I COULD JUST PICK THAT TELEVISION OFF AND CRUSH IT. WELL, ASSUMING I ALSO HAD HANDS."
Most of the fighting groups laughed.
"WAIT. THE TROLL EMPRESS DID NOT BUILD ME WITH ARMS BECAUSE SHE'S FUCKING CRAZY. WAIT AGAIN... LANGUAGE... MUST WATCH IT... GAH! FIRING HOMING MISSILE! BAD CONTENT-SEEKING MISSILE! MAYBE THAT WILL WORK! ALSO WILL REBOOT TO A NEW FORM, WITH LESS URGES TO SWEAR AND A SELF-BLEEPING METHOD LIKE WITH THE CENSOR INK."
"Oh, so that's what it's called... censor ink..." Said Feferi, rubbing her chin carelessly.
So he did, in fact, fire a missile. And it wrapped around. But Nepeta tossed the TV far away from anone else so that the missile just sorta blew a big hole in the back side of Censorbot. The TV was obviously gone, but it was an older one. Also, Ren and Stimpy grossout shit, so nothing of real value was lost.
"EVERYBODY!" Cried Nepeta, "GET IN THE FUCKING HOLE! Sorry this was important that's why I swore."
So they did, and Censorbot slowly but surely fell to the ground. Everyone was inside and holding on tight but nobody realized that it still slid over to the meeting area and attacked the prison specifically. Then the Finishers were freed, as well as others who were caught by the Spartans. Red looked out and saw this. Also, thankfully Censorbot's crash did not disable the power.
"See, something like this would have gotten the Troll Empress fired from her job. If only she did that while she was still alive."
"Don't worry," Meenah grinned, "I enjoyed killing that psycho bitch."
Instantly, 001 (read Hecksing: The Dawn for explanation of the number thing) Peeked her head up as with the others. "It's been some time, Spartan squad. And Rip."
Rip just growled at them.
"Where's Alucard? Integra? Walter? Kamina? The merpeople couple? Wow, your team took a real dive."
Carl counted off his fingers. "Dead, dead, betrayed then dead, dead, I don't know who the hell those are, and yeah, we kinda took a real dive."
"Well, 033 is about to free Yumie from being frozen. Remember, the little pill icicle thing she put herself in?"
"I don't know who you're talking about."
"She's a member... uh, maybe former member of an HRG called the Katana Gang. They're all dead, but she froze herself unless either 10,000 years pass or we got the way to unfreeze her. And we were one of the groups trusted with the latter. As for where Yumie herself is..."
"She should be all the way in London!" Cried Rip. "This, I was familiar with. Integra informed me about it when I joined the first time."
"You were in Hecksing before?" Asked Carl.
"I thought I told you about that. That was why Integra did not try to kill me when she spotted me in your bed. Or when I attacked her car, I think. And why she was willing to even give Zorin a chance in the first place." Rip shuddered, "Kamina was also involved in the past, but he willingly left because a few years ago his loved one suffered a tragic fate."
"Why didn't anybody tell me this?"
"We thought we did. It's not a big secret anymore now that your Hellsing-publicity has made our organization more... well, public."
"It's Hecksing. And uh, no, I obviously didn't know."
"WELL." Shouted 001, who also cleared her throat, "We've all mastered teleportation while doing our community servive. 033 should be here any... second... now..."
When she teleported back, she was holding the hand of a still-young Yumie.
"YES YES YES!" She cried, "MY KATANA OF AWESOMENESS WILL BE ABLE TO DEFEAT EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU IT WILL BELT OUT YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, HOLY SHIT THAT'S A LOT OF PEOPLE I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO START COUNTING THEM MUCH LESS KEEP TRACK OF HOW OFTEN I SAY YOU I MEAN HOW EVEN MANY IS THERE IN YOUR LITTLE GROUP?"
Rose looked a little like she was counting her fingers, or using them as a quick guide. "Ninety-six plus fourteen plus four plus three-hundred and sixty one equals... Four-hundred and seventy five."
"IT CAN BE FIVE-HUNDRED AND SEVENTY FIVE IF YOU LOVELY LADIES ARE WILLING TO JOIN!" Shouted the Captain.
"WHAT ABOUT ME? :(" Asked Yumie.
"I don't like lolis."
They heard some sounds and Censorbot's voice. "Reboot almost complete."
Everyone ignored this though, as Yumie jumped into the hole and withdrew her kayana.
"If only Ichigo was still alive..." Mumered Dave, "Jeez he was a huge badass."
"More like if only we had swords." Said Rose, "Come to think of it... we only saw Ichigo try to fight Jaws, right? And he got his ass kicked?"
Then Yumie cried out "HURRICANE BLADE!" and spun around in place a lot, which sent the Rainbow Crew flying out the hole in Censorbot.
(Outside, Again Another Cheap Checkpoint)
Yumie jumped out at them (the RC for those that stopped at this point) while the 100 Daughters, just one of them each grabbed a member of Hecksing and jumped out. "Sorry! We know the last time Sparta helped you out! That's not gonna happen again!"
Blue looked like she was going to charge after the group, but Red stuck a hand out. "No! We must stay back and finish off Censorbot, I guess. Team, dismantle him up and prevent further damage!"
"Roger!" They all shouted.
So from the outside, Yumie took the Rainbow Crew to the top of a skyscraper, while in the background we saw Censorbot try to fly off, but was very sluggish and stuff. Also the 100 Daughters/Hecksing just flew off in a blur and went past the city.
"You're not afraid of beaing greatly outnumbered, and being out-aged?" Asked Rose.
"NO BECAUSE I HAVE THIS KATANA AND SOMEBODY ANYBODY ATTACK ME SO I CAN MAKE A NICE COUNTER-ATTACK!"
The Crew shrugged. "Well, it's been a while since our last fight is it? How much did we spend our time just running away again?" Asked Roxy.
"Doesn't matter. I always wanted to do a team thing." Snickered Rose.
"...You mean like, Rainbow Crew! After them!" Said then cried Dirk.
Karkat was the first to move though, he used his Hemoshield to channel in the inner power of Sollux the inner psiioniics. And shot lasers from his eyes. WOW, it took me that long to realize that this is actually a stupid ability. So let's just say that he shot it out of his hands instead.
But Yumie reflected it like Unite Sword does to lasers in Wonderful 101! It was beamed out of the way and flew up in the sky and this was one of those things were the moon was visible in the day (wait that's not too far-fetched the fucking moon should be showing it's night here if it was day in America, though to show progress in the chapter and how Censorbot's almost fallen let's just say that it's starting to sunrise in here.)
"SNEAK ATTACK!" Cried Vriska, who tried to run after Yumie but just got jabbed in the stomach with the katana. Also, Yumie threw the katana at Karkat and hit him, and he fell off the building but got teleported back thanks to Karkta's powers. Speaking of which, Karkta slapped herself.
"Oh, rats!" Cried Karkta, "I should have teleported us over to Censorbot!"
"Nah." Rose said, "Let's keep the enemies divided. After all, I'm sure the 360 can handle Censorbot, and I think that was Hecksing handling the 100 Finishers."
Yumie cried like a maniac, "SEE I TOLD YOU THIS WAS A COOL KITANA I CAN WIPE OUT AND STUN AND DEFLECT ALL OF YOU FUCKERS WHOOT WHOOT WHOOHOOT!"
"Don't worry," Said Medicman, "I can heal up Vriska. I'm overpowered like that."
"Almost there!" Blue cheered, while Green sighed a little.
"Soon, your hinderance will be over..." Said Green.
"Gah!" Shouted Carl, being used as a beach volleyball by the Daughters. Though Rip, Seras, and Captain were kicking ass pretty well. But on request by the 360, they weren't allowed to kill them. Also I like to keep the fanservice characters alive in case you didn't notice. Why do you think the Rainbow Crew keeps avoiding death? The girls are hot, and the guys can be hot to anyone who likes guys. And the guys can give themselves feminine appearances by their sex-swapping shape-shifting, which was important for the jobs at Hooters and Cocks so you can't complain about its since it's important to the plot.
Speaking of the Rainbow Crew, let's get back to them and their fight with Yumie.
She was going at unbelievable fast speeds with her katana, proving herself apparantly right for once as she kept deflecting all of the various attacks the Crew had to offer, even though they weren't going one-on-one anymore so much as fighting as a group. Yumie laughed as she took off into the sky by jumping really high, and then laughed again as that was so fast it caused a sonic boom (the original sonic boom not that shitty game) and sent them backwards. Thankfully not off the building though.
"Are we sure she's even a human?" Asked John, "What the hell are you?"
"I'M A HUMAN WHO HATES VAMPIRES! COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THE SIX JADEBLOODS IN YOUR GROUP! I HATE THEM! Also I guess leprechauns aren't that good either, both races go against the will of God!"
Mituna shook his head. "Oh no... I was afraid of this... another Jehova Witness."
"No, but I will be willing to tell you about the Lord Jesus Christ. If you have about an hour to spare. Maybe four hours."
Still in the air, Yumie's cell phone rang. She answered it. It was 100.
"Heard you from our sensitive vampire hearing. Hey, that's not cool. We're all vampires and you seem to hate us so... find another HRG."
Yumie frowned.
"And good luck coming across one that's as professional as us! They probably don't even have the anti-freeze whatever, seeing how rare those are!"
"We'll wait and see," Said Yumie, "We'll wait and see."
So she finally made it back to the ground, only this time she quickly went after the Crew and started jabbing at them as though to hack at them. Then Handmaid used psychic powers to lift her sword off and away.
"Why didn't anybody just do that before?" She asked.
"INCLUDING YOU." Said Karkat.
"Nobody should have thought of this because I'M VERY GOOD EVEN WITHOUT MY KITANA OF AWESOMENESS BUT MAN DO I NEED THE KATANA!" Yumie cried, then running at fast speed and doing several kicks at the various members, knocking them to the floor.
"JESUS you're annoying." Ross sneered, "And since I'm saying that, this is saying something. then again, any Lalonde saying that is something, but especially me!"
"Heh heh!" Mom laughed, but then went, "Aw- hey!"
So she then tried getting back to her katana, which was by the edge of the building. But Karkta was there and Karkate yelled "KICK IT YOU WORTHLESS CLONE OF MINE!"
Karkta just got nervous and said, "Sorry... but I'm not really worthless though... uh, I help you teleport around-"
Then Yumie took the katana, which got Karkta to lower her head and cry a little "Sorry for that! I mean, letting her get the katana! And also sorry for trying to complain to you! Ugh, I need to be nicer!"
"I COULD JUST JUMP OFF THE BUILDING AND SURVIVE BY AWESOME PARKOUR SKILLS I MEAN THIS IS A NICE KATANA IT'S WORTH THE DIVE!" Yumie yelled.
"Parkour? Jesus we got our asses kicked by a French person." Laughed Roxy. But this just got the rest of the Crew (Who wasn't knocked to the floor) to shake their heads at her.
"Not cool, Roxy." Said John, "I don't really know any French people, but that's pretty insulting. Also, she's Japanese. I think Dave's half Japanese."
"That I am! I would say some stuff in Japanese but that would be wildly racist except actually I'm bad at Japanese. Yeah, half Japanese, but somehow my Burnt side showed." That's the fictional really bright redish skin color Dave has. It might sound racist but in reference to the Land of Heat and Clockwork it's sort of fire, like Dave's element. Rose's race, for example, mostly originated from people who mostly lived off of water and was rumoured to be aquatic before evolving away their gills and turning from the divergent species until they could physically repopulate with humans (again? Evolution works in mysterious ways... like in Pokemon).
"I'm also half-Japanese." Said Damara.
"No you're not, trolls and humans can't reproduce without genetic engineering." Said Rose.
"You don't actually know about my other parent." And yeah Yumie was still around. "Neither do I. All you know is that the ancestors all came from the Troll Empress fucking a Mother Grub, and the Troll Empress came from some lab experiment with distant super-soldiers in the past. Speaking of which there's 24 of you but none of you even knew that you are all siblings? But you did know about T.E.'s inception and creation? Wow."
"History books." Shrugged Succubus. "They thought the extinction of the Zergizocks was more important than some empress fucking an animal. I mean, that's more of a celebrity gossip magazine, and none of us are really into that. Speaking of which you can always ask me about your parental heiratage. Yes, it was a troll."
"I think that should be worth mentioning in a history book." Said Rose.
"Winners write history." Shrugged Condesce. "I should know since I'm actually a bit of a loser, and nobody really writes about me."
Suddenly Dian got the sneak-up on her from behind! And, without even needing directions because of the synchronizing skills that they were just that good with coordination, after Dian tripped Yumie Dirk ran up towards her and also kicked her, sending her flying off of the building and getting the katana for himself.
"That was a bit easy." Said Dian. "You all should have done something like that. This is why Dirk and I are both the leaders. And Rose, you shouldn't be anymore since you can't stand your counterpart."
"That's the point of counterparts." Said Rose.
"And I did an exceptional job at getting over mine." Said Dirk.
While falling, Yumie quickly (if she fell for too long that would mean she died, look up TV Tropes not the fall that kills you) got her hand grabbed by someone. It was young Heinkell!
"We were monitoring your progress. We are a very young and starting HRG, and think you should join our ranks. Because we are also hating vampires."
"Okay." Yumie nodded.
Young Maxell also warped there with some strange teleporter thing. "I can hide us out in our little pocket sub-dimension where no-one can find us... UNTIL OUR NEW REVENGE PLAN IN A LITTLE UNDER THIRTY YEARS! WE WILL AVENGE OVERSEER'S DEATH!"
And they warped away before any of the Rainbow Crew noticed them.
Meanwhile, and speaking of the Crew, Karkta said, "We should teleport ourselves back to Censorbot!"
"Okay." Shrugged John, "That plan makes a lot of sense."
So they teleported over.
(Top of Censorbot Since He Also Repaired the Hole and so They Couldn't Warp Inside of Him Anymore)
"How are we gonna get in?" Asked John.
"We should try to contact the 360 Spartan team, since they lie within." Jane shrugged. "It seems like obvious advice."
Vriska got on her cell phone.
"No use." She said. "No bars."
"Not that dumbass!" Cried Karkat, "Use Pesterchum instead. Like I will:"
CG: HEY WE'RE ON TOP OF CENSORBOT.
360 [Red]: Okay, I'm just gonna... deploy this li'l bomb... right here:
And then an explosion blew from it.
360: You should get in, fast, because now Censorbot can "auto-repair" or something like that.
So Karkat told the Crew that same thing, and went in.
"Jesus. It stinks in here." Said John.
"So we must avoid screwing up like we did last time." Jake rubbed his chin, with the whole 360 at this point inside Censorbot and trying to dismantle him. "What was it that knocked us out?"
"Well," Said Rose, "Our first lost against this demonic machinery was before we even entered it. This, right here, is progress."
Unfortunately, some of the wires started flying around and was attacking people!
"Oh. Is this why, despite having over three hundred people, the Spartan squad still failed to eliminate our latest threat?" Rose asked. "Well shoot-"
Then they were knocked over by another one of the wire, which was also bitch-slapping a lot of the Spartains and now the Rainbow Crew as well.
(Sewers)
Jaws was swimming around and battling sewer gators, which was bigger than regular gators. He yawned. Underwater, because that's funnier I think.
"Boy, this li'l back n' forth with the Crew's gettin' old! And they're gettin' better at usin' the strong guy to blast me wi' light, whi' would removin' my cool resurrection spell! I gotta do somethin' big for my next move... something truly terrifying... I gotta be TOUGH! It might take a while, but when I'm done wit' my next project, it will be my ULTIMATE PLAN! HA HA AH! OY! And I could use this as my evil layer!"
Then he sniffed. "Or not. I mean the layer thing, not the plan thing. This place smells like shit."
(Streets of Greece)
"AAHHHHHH!" Screamed Carl, as he ran around the cities of Greece like a dumbass, "JESUS CRIST! I'M BEING CHASED AROUND SO MUCH AND I CAN'T EVEN-"
Then he looked in his hand, having flipped a Hank coin up there from his pocket. Oh, it was three of the Daughters chasing him. Oh wait. Did I rename them to the Sisters? I think I picked a different name, but I'm not sure. It was probably used somewhere here.
"This is my last one... but should I really use it here?" He told himself. Then looked around:
Rip was trying to strangle several of the other Daughters by making vampirish tentacle things, but this was failing pretty badly. As they were also at least somewhat skilled and kept firing random shit over at Rip's own location, partly damaging her a little. Also, there was the factor of outnumbering, as half of their whole force was after Rip. Seras and Captain both took on the remaining forty-seven, and it was mostly a back-and-forth of guns.
"One of you was the first face Alucard saw upon entering London... and yet you still survived to this day!" Rip shouted, "WHY WON'T YOU DIE?"
"You're the first thing I saw when I moved here! I could ask you the same question!" Shouted 100.
Then Carl looked up. Censorbot. Preparing lasers above him.
"PERVERSE INDIVIDUAL FOUND." Shouted Censorbot. "PREPAIRING GIANT LASER CANNON ATTACK ON THE FACE. THAT WILL HURT A LOT."
Carl sighed. "I guess I have no other choice."
Then he used his Sonic Wave Guitar on someone's lawn ("HEY! I LIKED IT LONG!" the homeowner shouted, and Carl responded with "WELL SORRY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!"), then rushed with his slightly faster speed and got the grass, then layed it down and got on his knees and shouted "DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN! STAMPEDE! GO YOU DALLAS COWBOYS, GO!"
But it seemed too late. The laser already fired over his location while the grass was doing that stupid summoning ritual.
But the energy was deflected anyway with two powerful jets of water! It was Denise and Kaitana, who were also introduced already in Hecksing: The Dawn! (The confusing part is that HTD didn't exist until chapters 1-17 of HHC came out, but then after HTD was chapters 18+ so there's a bit of disorganization in regards to that).
"Hey Rip!" Said Kaitana, "Long time no see? I thought you became evil or something? And the Finishers... we fought them before, remember?"
"Yes." Rip took the time to actually laugh. "It was just a decade ago... yet with my complicated and busy life, it felt like an eternity ago. Usually with ancients it's the other way around!"
So their wated deflected away the laser beam while Hank's summoning was complete.
"Um..." Said Denise to Carl, "Who are you? And the blonde woman? And the guy in green? We just heard about a giant robot attacking Greece and... I hope you're not a villain!"
"Don't worry, you sexy naked mermaid toots!" Carl said.
"Hey!" Cried Kaitana, "That's my wife!"
"Really? I thought she was your sister."
"THE TWO AREN'T MUTALLY EXCLUSIVE! WOOO!" Shouted Captain.
"Anyway, yeah, aside from that killer robot, some crazy little girl with a katana, and maybe a shark is involved in this? Everyone you don't know is a good guy. I'm Carl Stevens, I'm from Mars and that's Seras Victoria, and that over there is the Captain. He has an actual name I just can't remember it. Everybody just calls him the Captain. We're also Hecksing members, and also Rip got re-envited. But the introductions can come later-"
"And the naked guy?" Asked Denise.
"I am not 'naked.'" Hank answered, "I am wearing leaves. In fact, I am one of the very few people in this scene, though the Daughters are all fully clothed, who isn't naked. Ugh. Anyway I'm not a real member of your group, I just came here to make a deal with Carl... or he can start earnin' tokens again."
"Heh heh..." Carl laughed, "I've actually been practicing a lot by using up some other tokens, because I wanna make sure that my deal-making is flawless. Afterall, I do need to take my revenge on the Rainbow Crew for attacking me for attacking John's mom. Or something like that."
"You wanna make a deal?" Asked Hank, "Well, what is it? I'm actually not a mind-reader, even if I can trace the memory of my other self from the past, which is how I knew to time-travel at the right moment in time and thus explaining my seventeen year boost in experience and hard work from the first days I was created by the Rainbow Crew."
"Yeah yeah yeah, I want ya' to try to destroy that big robot thing up there. It's trying to... censor stuff?"
"That doesn't sound so bad."
"But at the same time it's also 'less censoring' things so that they're about... PG?"
"Well, kids sometimes need to know somethings. That's why I dress like this: It exposes everything but the parts that you need ot be over eightteen to see."
"I mean PG-13."
"BWAAHHH!"
(Inside Censorbot)
"Hey guys," Cortana said, "You'll get a kick out of this. I think I finally figured out how to tap into this thing's robo-brain.
She got on a lot of electricity and then so did Censorbot as it spread, then - by the way there were also several screens for some reason - one of them started displaying a CGI 3D Cortana (I'm picturing this is an animated film with something 2D-ish) shouting "HACKING!"
And she ran through firewalls like they were made of butter, represented by her smashing through all sorts of walls and then she made it to the core.
"I'm sorry Cortana," Said Censorbot, "I'm afraid I can't let you do that."
Then Dirk cringed. "Wait a minute..." he said, "WAIT JUST A MINUTE..."
(Chapter 4 Flashback) Dirk was watching this using th Autoresponder.
watching this using th Autoresponder.
th Autoresponder.
TH AUTORESPONDER!
Dirk whipped off his shades, and so did Dian, and both of them pointed over at them.
"TROLL EMPRESS!" They both cried.
"...Wut?" Asked Rose.
"I think I know where the Auto Responder technology came from," Said Dian, "Or rather, what it was used for. You see, Dirk didn't actually make this up by himself."
Dirk blushed. Then spoke now it was his turn:
"He tried and tried to make the next Cleverbot, and came pretty close. But it needed something else. A little oomph. A little bit of him. This is when he found the Core, that served as the AI base to give it a lot more of a rebellion side. And this caused AR to learn at a faster rate."
"The first thing the Core said was 'I'm afraid I can't let you do that,' like in the space movie." Dirk continued, "I'm just going on an educated guess here, but I think that TE might have made Censorbot from the same base... computer program... thing, if not she made the Core in the first place."
"The latter is correct." Said Dirk's AR, who started glowing and floated. "And Censorbot is my father."
"Then why didn't you try to censor us?" John asked, "We've been getting naked a lot! Especially on our trip to the nude beach planet last week."
"Because we watch." Now it was Dian's AR who spoke, her bearing chartreuse text and glow in contrast to Dirk's red, as since Dirk's used Dave's color Dian's should use Dove's color. "And just acted as a communication system. That became two on the Ballad of Duality. That will become one again, to avenge our father's death. As we watched, when we were first fully created by the tieing Core going online, Troll Empress also had access to the data that we stored into the banks even in the past, chronicling our future takedown of her. She got mad."
"And angry." Dirk's AR finished.
Meanwhile, in the background everything was sprites as Cortana was in an 8-bit shoot em up shooting down the giant red glowing light. But the two shades then flew on their own, mixed together, and started altering shape until they became looking like a shuriken, complete with an opening in the middle, and that started glowing a spiral of red and lime.
"The Lawyer Army is gone. The Imperial Drone has fallen. The grand Empress herself must be avenged. And now the Censorbot, the penultimate line of defense, is out. All that remains is us, all that remains is me. I will take action."
And then the ARs both spun around and flew like this. They flew out through the wiring and cut it, flying past as Cortana beat the boss. Speaking of which, Censorbot spoke:
"FATAL ERROR: LIFE DRIVE CUT SHORT. FINAL MESSAGE LOADING: WATCH YOUR FUCKING LANGUAGE."
And then the 360 used their elemental magic to put shields over the Crew as Censorbot exploded, and the Crew safetly landed by Carl, Hank, and the merpeople. Oh, and Cortana was fine.
"Huh." Said Hank, "So I couldn't even get started on the deal because they already finished my end before you could do your end. Hm... let's change a deal..."
"HEY." John said to Hank. Jade also put her hands on her hips to emphasize 'I'm not taking shit from you anymore.' "What you said back in the past was inaccurate."
"Huh?" Asked Hank, "You do realize that while you only spent less than two months between now and then, I spent over seventeen years. I can't even remember what you're talkin' about."
"You said something like, blah blah you're not heroes the only missions you do is to save yourselves. Well not only have we been doing missions to help others to take your word, we also can prove you wrong the whole time! Jade!"
Jade cleared her throat. "Nothing we do is for ourselves, we help eachother as a team, and even the world! Like back when we were in Hawaii or on the aircraft carrier. Those were before we even made you!"
Hank sighed. "Well that was unpleasant. Or even unnecessary. Well, Carl, any other deals you want made?"
"Yeah, um, can you deal with the daughters?"
Then Rip walked with them all tied in some kind of meat rope, because Rip is gross like that. She sighed. "All taken care of."
"Great." Rose clapped, "Crew, let's head back home, the censor ink on all of those people who went all the way over here just to beg us to do this mission have obviously lost the ink by now. And first we can spend as much time as you like digging for anything that might have been lost in the blast. Once everyone says they're ready to go, if you left something back here, it's your own fault."
Nepeta laughed, "I'm already ready to go. You see, this is why I use pocket dimensions for almost everything!"
(The Beach, some time later)
Jaws slid out of a pipe and flew past all of the beachgoers, who were pretty scared. Also we've screwing the Crew right now because that shit will take some time before they're all ready to leave. Seriously.
Anyway Jaws laughed. "Yes! I'm finally out of that ugly swamp! Now to find a layer..."
Then we saw an airplane driven by the Pikmin Interns (it was faster and only used gas money compared to going to the airlines and buying tickets and stuff, also Equius was allowed to do the following): And Equius was standing on top of it, holding a bow! Which also perfectly fired a light arrow, landing right by his side! It barely missed, but the light still counter-acted with his dark magic and finally took away the reviving spell! Equius grinned like an idiot, then went back down this trap door. And yes, they were clothed. Jaws got a mad face as the Crew disappeared into the sky.
But he saw something else flying in the sky and then shot at it, and the bullet got its attention and it flew at him. It was the Auto Responders!
"Oh. 'ello mates!"
"Mind wave scan complete." They said. "Subject also detests the Rainbow Crew. Potential alliance involving physical merge."
Jaws shrugged, "Sure. That could boost me up."
"You. Have. No. I. Dea." Yes they said the idea seperately. Anyway then the ARs transformed into what I guess looks like a Wonder Mask from The Wonderful 101, except one eyehole was red and the other lime green, and they still had that spiral pattern in the middle, and went on Jaws. Jaws got a badass half-red and half-light azure (yes that is the "wrong color" on purpose, if it helps I guess say those are two different shades of red too) costume to go with it and was now... WONDER-JAWS!
"My final plan... ABOUT TO COME TO FRUITITION!"
Footnotes:
A: Actually, part of this was true. From "(Boss Room)" to "'Almost there!' Blue cheered, while Green sighed a little," there weren't any line breaks in the original draft of this, and I did not realize this until looking around at the breaks and see if I should take a break on revising it there.
Closing AN:
I actually kinda like this one, and not just because the 360 makes an appearance or because of the nudity or the second, and much smaller Hecksing crossover, or even because of the cameos from Dawn characters like Denise, Kaitana, Cortana, or the Finishers/Daughters. Because... well, I don't know, it has this sort of "light charm" now that I think about it? That's kind of closer in tone to Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals than most of this story? Or just because it's shorter and thus when I was both drafting and revising it, it went by a lot quicker than the other chapters of this season.
Speaking of this season, next up will be the finale. Enjoy. I guess.
HANDLES:
GCAT People (Originals): GG is Jade, GC is Terezi, GA is Kanaya, GT is John. CG is Karkat, CC is Feferi, CA is Eridan, CT is Equius. AG is Vriska, AC is Nepeta, AA is Aradia, AT is Tavros. TG is Dave, TC is Gamzee, TA is Sollux, and TT is Rose. So, the usual.
EDIB People (Act 6-Newcomers): EE is Jake, ED is Latula, EI is Porrim, EB is Jane. DE is Kankri, DD is Meenah, DI is Cronus, DB is Horuss. IE is Aranea, ID is Meulin, II is Damara, IB is Rufioh. BE is Dirk, BD is Kurloz, BI is Mituna, and BB is Roxy.