Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals

by Great Pikmin Fan

Part of the "SBIG" series. It's a stupid, deliberatley badly written thing I made in a spinoff to another also deliberatley badly written fan fic I wrote before. Main plot's about the kids and trolls fighting the Felt, but the majority of the fan fic involves a bunch of sidequests with the citizens. Completed.

24. The Six Barriers

Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals

Chapter 24: The Six Barriers

Beginning AN:

Well... here it is... the last three chapters. I hope you enjoy, and just to note that as with season six, these chapters are pretty much all finished by the time I'm posting them. The only reason why there's a three day wait is to go with the tradition of three day waits when it came to the earlier Crconikals fics.

Disclaimer: The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert teenagers and one badass flagship pilot. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

---

"This may seem like a weird question," Said Calliope (obviously this left off right when the last chapter ended because why the fuck would we skip in the future from it this is a big moment), "But what year is it?"

"Ah, 2011!" Cheered Aranea. "Want me to recap our adventures to you?"

"Sure I guess." Calliope shrugged.

Aranea explained the first five seasons: Read the recaps there on chapters 5, 9, 13, 15, and 18 respectively. Except for the parts where she talks about what she shouldn't have known, that's not canon, and it isn't canon for this recap either in case that comes up. Also she did get to explain the troll reproduction this time (Damara tried to trick her again but Calliope 'corrected' this and Damara just gave up) but since I'm just passing over the first five recaps since they're all just copy-paste then HA! Now for the recap of season six:

"Ugh. Honestly I'm not that amused by this anymore so I'll be quick, but... let's try to begin. After our arrival in the Grand Canyon we were rescued by Link and dropped off at a nice hotel. One day later, the grand Troll Empress gave us all a nasty call. Well, half of us. She wanted the male members of the Rainbow Crew drafted over for a war but we didn't know of this yet. After coming over thanks to a threat on her part, we attempted to start a rebellion. Then some of the Empress's past was finally revealed. She was engineered by a distant ruler from the blood of twelve elite, well-known fighters from across trollkind history in order to fight against a rival species known as the Zergizocks. Made into a rainbow blood, this somehow meant that she was elected ruler of trollkind about the fuchsia bloods... because apparantly her blood colors were each given a 'value' and they were added up or something like that. ANYWAY! Troll Empress was really named Troll Empress and she succeeded in fighting the offending Zergizocks, but also killed the innocent ones and wiped out their race. Later she gained limited power over Earth, and this is what we'll cover. Our attack on her failed when she knocked us out and took the men on a trip to certain death.

"This trip was to an offshore rig attacked by Jaws the Shark, a being from Aradia's past that she got into a conflict with who stole her spell that lets him keep reincarnating and regenerating a new body for his soul each time he dies. The only convenient way to reverse that was through a shot of light magic. A lot of the Crew's male members died. Then Porrim, entering a horrifying vampire form, forced us female members to join in as well. A lot of us died too.

"What followed was a frankly repetitive series of several members being killed and uttering their final words. Thankfully, Nepeta and Netimp somehow knew about the rig containing a machine that revives people based on stem cell status. So... to keep this short, the Leijons and John made their way over there, with Meulin and Yeulin having exhausted themselves to death trying and succeeding to carry every single member's corpse over there. After revival, and a quick cameo from Alucard before he was killed again, we stormed our way free as the rig's deteriorating (from the war. Bombs and stuff were blowing it up and destroying it and... stuff) state reached complete destruction.

"When left out in the ocean, we retrieved Die's doll from earlier and revived all the former green members of the Felt who turned out to, like Damara, have been forced into Scratch's service. They now join by our side. The next day, after being rescused from the Pikmin interns from before, we all went to Alternia after having troubles with understanding the troll quadrants, and decided to look up what they meant. Jaws made his return here as did the Troll Empress, but this will be discussed later. Once we arrived at the official dictionary to confirm that moirallegance is, in fact, very specific and not the same thing as friendship. But by that point the Troll Empress had trapped the leprechaun - the old green Felt guys - members of the Crew with an army of her robotic production, Lawyer Guy. Indeed, they chased the leprechauns out to Oregon. Meanwhile, the humans and trolls dealt with the Troll Empress. First she locked them in a containment area for dangerous or paranormal objects, where they freed Dark Ezekiel by mistake and Rose got a rock that fires portals by intention. The Portal Rock. A lot of stupid shit happened, Nepeta and Netimp left to check on the leprechauns and help them kill the robotic assault. Which they did.

"Meanwhile, Dark Ezekiel encountered Jaws and teamed up with him. Thanks to the resurrection abilities Jaws had, Dark Ezekiel could possess a fallen body to strengthen himself and Jaws would easy reanimate in another new shark body. This hybrid went to fight the Rainbow Crew after they've left Alternia in their sleep, but got counter-attacked and killed with Equius's light magic. Everyone was united again save Gamzee, who was kidnapped by his rabid fan Bororo. Bororo's unimportant accomplises (His Honorable Tyranny and a musclebeast) were killed while Bororo was assumed to be dead under a Cronus who had improved his driving skills, but was really around and teamed up with Rocket Blaster. Together, they poisoned the Rainbow Crew's food with laxatives and ipicac. This gave us a... heh... very painful ride home.

"Some time later in the same day, we met up with Hecksing, left in a state of lacking members since various deaths in their journey. The only remainders were pervert Carl, hot-tempered Seras, mysterious and formerly(?) villainous Rip, and Rip's familiar of the Captain. We teamed up with them pretty well, but the leprechauns went out against those same hacker ninjas from Mituna's and Latula's quests before to get a 'Time Bomb' from them. John also entered a jealous rage from seeing Carl hitting on his Nan. Things reached their peak after taking down various past and present villains teamed up, where the Troll Empress tricked both our group and Hecksing into a dome that was impervious to most of our forms of breaking out. Rip, however, could do so, but she needed about a week to pull it off. Once that week past, Rip soon pulled John, Jade, Rose, Dave, Jane, Jake, Roxy, and Dirk into a strange series of illusions before bringing them together. She apparantly made a deal with Rose where if she's beaten in chess, she'll help the team out. Thanks to a loophole from Jane, Rip was beaten, ending this pseudo-'deep' stupiditly.

"But, After Rip broke the dome, both the Rainbow Crew and Hecksing went after the Troll Empress for a final showdown. It was also here that Carl revealed some shady thing. He summoned a future Hank, when the current Hank made in our journey made his appearance as well. He said that this was the time where he was meant to go back in time. Segments broke leaving only the second generation members of the Rainbow Crew left, with the time bomb attatched, and we also found out that you can draw a propane symbol in fresh lawn shavings and chant the Dallas Cowboys theme to summon Hank for his deals. With our second-gen craft, minus guardians, ancestors, leprechauns, or interns, we charged after the Troll Empress and Meenah eventually killed her. But, thanks to her taser, it sent off a reaction with the time bomb, sending us back in time.

"We quickly met up with the past versions of the human member's guardians back when they were our age. Then, after some teleportation, we angered the past Waterwraith and past Homer Simpson - seriously I thought Homer was retired from this shit, I'm envying him how much shit does Act 6 need to throw before we join the pile? - and found the younger versions of our troll member's ancestors as well. Jaws went back in time and was after us too. By this point, all of our regular methods of getting from the point we were left stranded in were gone or unreliable, so we needed to take a long trek back home. On our way, we also got a new addition to our chase group, an elderly woman known as Candy Flowers. Some stuff happened, before most of it we killed this guy pretending to be that cliche where if you try to use time travel for something good the universe comes to life and sends something after you, and we found that Nepeta knows how to make little portals to a pocket-dimension. She also keeps a journal, which I'll just coin the official term of the Journal of the Dangerous."

"Yep. That's what it's called." Nepeta said.

"So, Candy was arrested and FYI executed, Homer got amnesia of us but his memories returned after his death (explaining his rage), Waterwraith went to the Grand Canyon to plan a revenge plan that would become the perils of the Pikmin Rebellion, and we got back to Chicago. Then John fucked his mom. Then we re-hooked up and fixed the time bomb to return to the present. Before our return, there was something about a coin... probably not important. Either way, we went back, and could take months off before our next adventure of note.

"Our next adventure of note was when a number of nudists from Greece started pestering us in the 13th of April of the same year, which to remind you all is 2011. Since we have expanded ourselves across those months as more of an assisting service, these citizens wanted us to fly over and defeat a monster known as Censorbot that was attempting to hide their nudity. We all went there, of course, and yes we did reunite with the members we were split from in the past. Jaws snuck around as we met up with a time traveling Spartan Squad that Kamina had used to be a part of before his demise at the hands of Hitler Badguy, and we re-met with Hecksing. Jaws, once more, snuck around with this as well, as he likes to get involved with all of our noteworthy missions to try to kill us (he was in our first and bigger meet-up with Hecksing as well, I just didn't think it was that important aside from mentioning that he traveled back in time with us.). This time, Censorbot turned out to not support of Jaws or us, and removed our powers. Though the Spartan Squad did take it down slowly, along with Nepeta's increasingly noticed secret intelect, and we beat down on someone who was frozen in the distant past and will remain for a few more decades. Yumie's story ended in Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals, not here.

"Once Censorbot was finally deactivated, we find that he and Dirk's Auto Responder from the past were actually AIs crafted by the Troll Empress. Once we used the Ballad of Duality, Dian also had her own AR that was evil and secretly supporting the empress and sending her data back when we were alive too. Oh yeah, and these two merpeople from Hecksing: The Dawn made a cameo. The two ARs merge and leave as Censorbot exploded, transforming themselves into a mask that can enhance the abilities of whoever wears them. In this case, that was Jaws, who had just had the revival magic stripped from him from our encounter and was essentially on his final life.

"Our conflict with Jaws remained at a stalemate until today, June 12th. The high school most of us attended had Prom, and John was planning on breaking up with Jane. And- you know what, why? I thought that nobody really cared for relationships and was in a polygamous clusterfuck, but then John also used to break up with people for petty reasons, but that was apparantly a fake lie he held up to test people... so the real question is why anyone would care about that asshole! Hell that only raises so much more, UGH this fan fic is so stupid. I don't even think I want to finish this recap. In fact, I don't even think I want to be in this story anymore."

She began walking away, but then Karmagal got her attention.

"WAIT DESCENDANT!" She cried, "Come on! It's in the good friendly spirit! Just roll with it!"

"...For how much longer?"

"Well, for this timeline, we're almost done. You don't even have to recap after this."

"Really? Good, honestly I was getting sick of playing the exposition role. Well, I suppose getting chapter 23 done isn't too bad... and I could have a little fun here... okay then!

"Roxy enjoyed John and Jane as a couple and did not want to see them fall apart, so she went with an idea that our first direct encounter with Hecksing gave her: Make a deal with Rip, just like Rose. Rip's deal suggested that Roxy would get a love potion, but she failed to pay attention to the exact words used. As such, it wasn't a love potion, but a virus that enrages all it infects. Except Karkta, since she's a huge pussy. This was when Nepeta finally, truly sprung into action, fighting them off and making a way to distribute the cure. Meanwhile, Jade's old stalker Rick Abs made his appearance, and of course Jaws was fighting too.

"Rick attempted to kidnap John and Jade, but their elemental powers let them escape into another room where they would then do it. Challenged by Tavros, who was actually an old bully victim of his, Rick went to the roof for a final showdown just to get killed eventually by Jaws. Dirk and Dian also became a couple since they were that close, despite technically being brother and sister-"

"Says the one who makes out with all her cousins!" Dave called out.

"Right, right. Sorry. But still counterpart selfcest is kinda... nevermind. Nepeta finally got the cure for the virus broadcasted, leaving the straight up fight with Jaws as our final obsctacle in this arc. It took effort, but we eventually found that when equipped with the mask that is the two ARs, Jaws can enter an overclocked mode that requires liquid coolant. We simply removed the coolant, and the ARs overloaded with heat and fire trying to calculate our Crew's sheer number. The AR-mask exploded, damaging Jaw's face, and Dirk and Dian put a code that will deactivate the machines, before blowing them up. Before their explosion, they were stabbed into the now-deceased Jaws, and mentioned to us to check Nepeta's Journal of the Strange under a blacklight.

"Then the explosion left a large hole, we explored the hole, and found you. Jade proposed John to marry him, and their kiss of pure love broke the spell keeping you asleep. And that's the final recap of Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals. When it comes to recalling key events, you're on your own from here on out!"

CHAPTER XXIV.

---

"Let me guess." Said Vriska. "You're gonna hire her into the Crew too, aren't you?" She asked Dirk.

"NO, BUT I WILL!" Cheered Karkat. "She's been through too much already! ...I think. She was found sleeping and trapped, and someone who is able to listen to Aranea of all people has to be friendly right?"

Vriska yelled and complained but then Karkta teleported the gang out of the pit. All those crossover characters were still there and I can't remember who was there and who wasn't but it won't matter soon enough.

"So, tell us about yourself!" Asked Rose. "PS Nepeta, we didn't forget about the Auto Responders's dieing words. We'll search the hell out of your journal."

Nepeta took a deep breath in. "Got it."

"Well, I was once just any ordinary cherub. But then I got trapped in a cave-in! So, looking around, this alrune named Hank Hill-"

"Hey." Hank teleported if he wasn't already there. I don't think he was. "I am not an alrune. I'm a fairy, dammit."

Unithorn leaned into Calliope's ear. "You're technically right, he's classed as that, but don't tell him jeez you'll never hear the end of it."

Everyone looked at him.

"After you second-gens left, I talked to him a bit. I even got a token. Never used it though. I either got everything I needed or Hank's own requirements were too much."

"Well, now that I'm here, would you like to make a bet now?" Asked Hank. "Also, I heard that. I don't care what the designations say, I am not an alrune."

"Mmm... I'll make the bet after we finish hearing the rest of Calliope's story. It was kind of rude of you to interrupt it."

"...Well then. Carry on, Calliope."

"Okay. So then the cave-in made my counterpart named Caliborn, who thanks to the way the magic worked did not have my trademark rare lime cherub blood." To explain the thing I mentioned way back in chapter 5 the cherub hemospectrum was a lot rarer. Cherubs work a LOT differently here okay. "So he was red-blooded, which was also rare. Unfortunately, unless controlled well, redbloods of cherubs can be assholes. And he wasn't controlled well."

Kankri sighed. "So he's a racial stereotype then? Way to make all red bloods look bad."

"No, it was more of a counterpart thing, since counterparts tend to lack control. That was just probably a spark on a huge tub of oil. Anyway,"

She examined Karkat's shield. "Hey. I think this is THE VERY BLOOD of both me and him on here! Yeah, and you used it to forge an indestructable shield?"

"Yes." Karkat said.

"So since both of our blood is together... okay, I grew up alone, rare for us cherubs as we're normally born as twins" But not that shared body stuff as in canon to make this AU work just keep reading. "but Caliborn then as a counterpart is considered my biological brother. Do you know what this means?"

Nepeta flipped through her journal. "It means we can trace the location of him! Want him added to the Rainbow Crew too?"

"No. And that brings me to the next part of the story. Again, he was a massive asshole. He traveled through time or something and then went by Lord English I think, and then teamed up with Doc Scratch. And then they stroke up something. Well... bottom line, he's evil now. Let's see if we can stop him."

"Yeah we should because we're heroes, even if we don't really have any connection to him at all." Shrugged Vriska.

"BUT MY SHIELD! HE'S CLEARLY THE MOST IMPORTANT VILLAIN WE CAN FACE!"

Calliope touched the shield, and channeled some chakra into it, and then a white arrow rose from it pointing north that also had the text "TORONTO INTERACTIVE EXHIBIT" displayed above it.

"Oh wait. He usually goes to these art exhibit things. Ick." Said Calliope. "Let's avoid him now."

"Hey wait, Doc Scratch..." said Jade, "We should go over to him! He's the one that ruined my game session I guess! And maybe by killing him, we'll find Caliborn since the two of them and the two of you are connected or something!"

The other Crew members shrugged. Dave spoke: "Yeah I mean with Jaws finally dead he's pretty much the last villain left. Also the first villain. Let's see... Meenah's with us now, Waterwraith's taken care of, the Troll Empress isn't gonna force us on anything anymore, and again Jaws is gone... and everything else we faced was sort of 'on the way' to get these other villains. We have no more distractions and we should just, ya'll kow, stop procrastinating. And be badasses fighting this jerkass that started everything."

"Wow Dave, that was... intellegent by your standards." Rose said.

"No need, I know you're trying to be a better person."

"I have the perfect plan." Unithorn said, flipping the Hank Token. "Tonight, you can all rest up. Tomorrow day, enjoy your final day in school because stay in school. Then on tomorrow night, I'll use this token to sum up a kind of army or something and we'll storm over to Scratch's tower in the most annoying way possible. Whose with me?"

"I!" Shouted not just the Crew, but everyone else with them.

---

(Treehouse)

Then, getting a blacklight, Dirk, Dian, and Karkat read over Nepeta's journal.

"Okay just some more secret monster stuff. I wonder if there's anything over on Rip's page. ...Uh huh, something about deals made before... anything on the picture?" Dirk was saying as he moved the light over the picture, then dropped the book. "WOAH!"

"HEY!" Shouted Nepeta, "Don't break- oh..."

The light was conveniently still shining on the image, revealing a wheel divided into eight. And, this was the creepy part that made him go WOAH, each eighth shows a symbol representing the eight original Housestucks!

"...I think our questions are done there's more important matters to look up good night." Said Dirk, running away to the bedroom. Dian followed too, first walking before breaking into a run when she thought nobody could hear her. Karkat was left there and he looked at the journal nervously before running away too.

"WAIT! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE ALONE!"

Nepeta picked her journal back up and laughed.

"Amateurs." She said.

---

(The Next Morning)

Boring school shit ensued for preparation of graduation. Jade began talking to John.

"So... graduating high school... that's a big step..."

"Yeah I'm just glad none of us Housestucks are those delinquent weirdos that will not graduate. Well, I mean maybe the trolls. I don't really talk to that many of them becides the one I dated and Nepeta."

"I thought you dated Nepeta."

"Huh? No, not really. It was just Dave for like two seconds, then Dirk for like four, then Damara for like a weak, then Jane for like five years. Then you."

"You're terrible at exaggerating time."

Then they both laughed and said "WE'RE SUCH NERDS!" Because I think that's how you write couples involving John in general.

---

(That Night)

Unithorn did that Dallas Cowboys thing and summoned Hank then gave him the token. Oh yeah and the rest of the Crew and those people from the last chapter were gathered around the entrance to the Felt Tower. John in particular was jumping in place and saying dumb shit like "The hype... the hyyype... this is it..."

"Okay. I need everyone we know invited. Not literally of course, that would be a mess."

Hank just handed him the number (okay he also did the glove-flame hand shake) and said "Here you go, I gave you the numbers of those that were unknown. Your end is to call them. And thus, the deal is done."

So then they called up a big party to annoy and distract Scratch. And including the people from before, this is a list of everyone that will be joining the Crew. I'm going by presumed chapter-by-chapter introduction to try to remember them all in order, hopefully this should be all of the passive characters that are still alive:

Daisy and her son (I forgot the son's name), you know that family in the Hawaii inn.
What the hell that other guy that first introduced them. It's not like he'll become important anyway.
I'd say the crew of that aircraft carrier but they're all dead.
Link.
Owen (the mayor guy, not the same person as WV or his self in this universe he doesn't even have one).
Those other yes-mutant guys (since this is supposed to be like if it was an animated movie where we'd just see them to remind you that I still remember them.
(The bulborbs are just wild animals they're unnecessary.)
(Not the Rainbow Sisters I don't care if they get like twenty fanart images they're still classed as villains.)
That liquor store owner. And I'm lumping him on the same line as those environmental workers.
That weird-ass "happy ending" hospital guy that creeped Cronus out.
Of fucking course the Pikmin interns were there, they normally don't tag with the Crew but this is an important mission.
Also their Onions.
The dancers from China.
The kids from the cul-de-sac from Peach Creek, including the Eds.
Sonic.
The snow fortress workers I guess.
Mega Man, Samus, Solid Snake, Tony Hawk, and Connie.
Naruto, Luffy, (Ichigo is still dead and Noah wasn't invited because of the dumb sand crown even though Hank still gave Unithorn his number.)
Speaking of Hank, Hank himself obviously.
Those swamp, mountain, ocean, and canyon people or whatever I said they were. The ones with all the halves that each species made a cameo in during season 4.
Stan, Kyle, and Kenny were invited even though they didn't technically meet up with the Crew, Hank suggested them since the Crew knew about Cartman.
(Not Cartman himself since he is an asshole.)
Dracula.
Giant David Hasselhoff though he couldn't fit through the door so he was just waiting out here being distracting.
The good Xenomorphs that were only kidnapped.
The lusii.
Doomguy.
(Not the haters who were gonna hate from chapter 19 either, they were assholes.)
The 360 Spartan Squad, also Simon was with them too for some reason.
Some random students and stuff, just to maybe thicken out the human population.
Not any of the teachers or school staff though, that would just be dumb.
And finally, saving this for last (sort of see later), Hecksing.

Those were just the "veterans" so to speak they'll also be "newcomers" so to also speak and we'll see them really soon. Just right now only the familiar ones were there.

"Really?" Asked Unithorn. "You knew you were allowed to invite others yourself, right? And that they're not gonna charge through or anything, just throw a party to kind of annoy Scratch?" Did I mention the party part? Yeah, only the actual Rainbow Crew will be fighting him. The rest of them are all there for annoyance. Unithorn did tell the rest of the team this offscreen.

"I think most of us knew- I knew, anyway." Said Rose. "It's just that... well, it still seemed like an uncomfortably dangerous thing to do."

"Scratch doesn't attack people who aren't explicitely trying to attack him. Remember that, he's trying to keep up an image of being a good person even if he's terrible at it. And he doesn't count crash-partying like this an explicit attack."

They nodded and took that note for the future and went in. Would serve as a nice distraction- EXCEPT THE FUCKER REDID THE APARTMENT AGAIN!

"While you were gone for several months I redid the tower since our last assault." Scratch cackled evilly. "The dungeon part is still a dungeon, but I added more! Oh, did I add more! You see, you now have to go through six Evil Barriers first BEFORE you can ascend the tower-" He pointed to a white magic barrier thing around the main tower's staircase, and there were six beams of different colors (green, red, blue, orange, purple, and yellow) sticking over to it, and they came from these different elevators. And they each had different symbols over them.

"I ALSO MADE THE TOWER EVEN HARDER THAN BEFORE, AND EACH BARRIER ALONE IS HARDER THAN WHAT THE TOWER USED TO BE BUT EASIER THAN HOW IT IS NOW! SO DON'T THINK THAT AFTER DISABLING THEM YOU'LL HAVE AN EASY TIME, HAHAHAHA!"

Then Scratch teleported away again.

"Guests," Said Dirk, "Still party over here and talk about stuff. Unless you wanna voluntier to join us in one of the barriers-"

"WAIT!" Cried Nepeta. "I was looking up things in my journal. I remember the symbols by those elevators. They each correspond to something called a Sage!"

"Oh yeah!" Cheered Calliope, "I had been researching a lot regarding the Sages! Their exact identities are unknown-"

"Hank and the late Kamina, Alucard, and Rose Quartz are all Sages. That's four of them. I invited the other two to the party, and all their friends. You know, I thought this would be a good oppertunity to look into them and have the last three Sages left alive meet. And some other people I knew. And the actors of a certain hit show."

"Wait a minute." Vriska's eyes sparkled as she optimistically went to Nepeta. "By show, do you mean-"

"They should be here first of all!"

Then the Futurama theme began as lights shone into the opening door and the brand in-the-flesh cast and crew of the show themselves made an appearance! Fry, Leela, Bender, Hermes, Zoidberg, Amy, and the Professor all cartwheeled in and gave a salute to the Rainbow Crew.

"Okay, we're told that there's a secret Hitler Revival Group hidden here?" Asked Fry.

"Yes." Said Itchy. "Real bastard too. He forced all of us into his group! It was really just him and his dog-like thing, but these guys over here killed the dog."

"It would be an honor to assist brave heroes like you." Fry said seriously since this is his actor not his character. "Our show may be just barely brought back from being canceled, but we look foreward to anti-HRG groups like Hecksing, the Spartans, and even this relatively new group that just started off as a bunch of teens goofing off, but grew into something a lot more wonderful. I honor and sallute thee. Again."

The crew (not the Rainbow Crew I'll make the distinction with whether the "C" is capitalized or not) salluted the Crew (see). Again.

"Who are the other two Sages?" Asked Damara excitedly. "Come on Nepeta, spill it!"

"Funny you of all people should ask!" Nepeta said. "Because I think you're the only one hear who knows one of them! Or... both? I don't know."

Then a car drove through, followed by another one! It was Leonard, Sheldon, Penny, and Amy from Big Bang Theory! The second car contained Raj, Howard, and Bernadette from Big Bang Theory!

"Dr. physicist Sheldon Cooper, one of the other Sages!" Nepeta announced. "Dr. Cooper, how does it feel to be tied to magic prophecies like this?"

"It's dehumanitizing me!" He was obviously pissed for those who couldn't tell based on his word usage. "I'd rather be known purely for my intelect, and not because some old cavemen drew pictures of me behind a wave."

"...Cavemen?" Asked Rose. "Is that-"

"Actually, it is." Nepeta nodded. "I told him that. This dates back to the prehistory era."

Then up next a giant phallic space ship thing parked right by the Felt Tower. Scratch looked kind of nervous at this particular thing.

Outside as you could probably have guessed from Damara's outfit was some characters from something shitloads more obscure: Thanks to this other fan fic by GPF, Hair Idealization, it's the show Perfect Hair Forever: Um... Catman, the old guy, Gerald, Young Man (with a roboarm - long story), the two topless women from once, that catgirl, and most importantly (shit I gave it away) was Brenda.

"Ms Brenda Kruger! How do you feel about being told you're a Sage and getting the files and DNA results proving it?" Nepeta asked.

She said nothing in response.

"Kruger..." Dave said, putting a hand on his chin. "That name sounds kinda familiar..."

Brenda and Damara just kind of stared at eachother. In case you forgot, since this is text-only and not like an animated movie, Damara's outfit from chapters 9 onward was based on Brenda's usual wear (except, and this goes with pretty much all the RC's outfits, her's was paletted to be themed around her regular dark-red coloring. Or dark red-orange in this case, to tell her apart from Aradia). That she was also wearing to this event.

"Ooh, they came in the same dress! Awkward!" Said Luanne.

Wait, what? That's right. The cast of KOTH was there too. Hank invited them.

Speaking of Hank, he wrapped his arms around both Brenda and Sheldon, smiling in his weird normal fairy way.

"Now, we can tap into and channel the barriers to make them less resistant to light magic. But with three of us dead or reincarnated, it would take a whole day... good thing Nepeta informed us back then! We started early! It'll only take about an hour. Until then, do what'cha want but I suggest earning Hank Tokens."

"Nah let's just party." Said Rory.

"For once, my counterpart isn't too annoying about that!" Roxy shouted, "PARTY!"

So then they danced around and stuff and talked and mingled. If this were an animated movie it would be a running gag that the crossover stuff happened in the background since they really aren't that important. Um, Dracula was trying to sell magic things to Hank but since Hank's behind on the times he thinks it's drugs. You know, things like that. Simple things.

Oh and since I only had one character from the show show up previously, yeah there's more Steven Universe. Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and even Steven broke in.

"We heard that we had to party to save the world from Nazis and I was like, okay." Said Garnet.

"Yeah, we all hate Nazis." Amethyst nodded.

"What the fuck is a Nazi?" Said Pearl, it's funny because she's more into what the Gems are than what the humans and trolls are.

Meanwhile, and later in the party,

"Dude." Said John, "Look at Hank not dancing. It's almost a little sad."

"I don't feel sorry for him man." Meenah chimed in. "He's kinda a weirdo. I'm glad I'm not watchin' him dance."

Eridan nodded. "Of all the people to go in nothing but leaves... Huntress can pull it off-"

"Hey! That's your aunt!" John complained.

"Pssh, again says the guy who literally fucked his mom. Anyway, Huntress can pull it off, but Hank can't."

"I know." Meenah nodded. "Why is it that sometimes the people who go around naked are the same kinds of people you don't wanna see naked?"

And then they laughed, then Nepeta walked over to them. Looking incredibly pissed.

"HEY!" She yelled, getting them all to stop and the party to go quiet. "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO JUDGE HANK'S LOOKS LIKE THAT?"

"Um... we're just joking to eachother and anyone who can listen-" John said, turning and thinking that Hank was actually probably within earshot since he did seem pretty close the whole time. "It's just-"

"NO! I'M FUCKING SICK OF IT! 'Ugh, what a fatass.' 'Ew, she's ugly.' 'Gross, she has a mole on her face.' 'Haha, his penis is tiny.' 'You're a skiny bitch nobody likes only dogs like bones.' 'I refuse to date men who are freakish giants.' EVERYONE THINKS IT'S OKAY TO MAKE *SOME* EXCEPTION AND CHANNEL THEIR HATE TO THAT! NO! I MEAN, YES, IF YOU'RE NOT HEALTHY AND HAVE SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO BE FIXED, FIX IT, BUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE THERE COMES A POINT WHERE THERE'S NOTHING NATURAL OR NORMAL YOU CAN DO AND YOUR BODY IS JUST FINE THE WAY IT IS! HANK IS ONE OF THEM SINCE HE'S FUCKING MAGIC! AND HIS BODY TYPE IS BEAUTIFUL, WHATEVER YOU SAY ABOUT IT! PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE GIVING NUDISM A BAD NAME, PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE WHY WE'RE STILL DEALING WITH THIS SHIT IN 2011, AND PEOPLE LIKE YOU NEED TO GROW UP YOU FUCKING, SHITTY, JUDGEMENTAL, IMMATURE, CUUUUUNTS!"

"...Jesus Christ." Said John.

Then Doc Scratch teleported into the room.

"Hey I heard no music." He said. "I was just wondering, were we-"

"SHUT UP!" Nepeta screamed, running out the door and making Scratch teleport back out in fear. She then flipped a Ford over in rage.

"HEY!" Cried Conker's Bad Fur Day. "That's my ride. You'll have to pay the insurance money."

Nepeta sighed. "Does your company accept gems that are in my house?"

"Oooh..."

Then Nepeta came back in and saw Garnet, who had her shades off and was wiping away tears.

"I kind of agree." She said, which got Amethyst to laugh and Pearl to shake her head.

"Well I- wait. Do you have three eyes?" Asked Nepeta. "That's disgusting."

The following isn't canon I just want a funny transition: Nepeta turned to the camera and said "It's funny because I was a complete hypocrite!" Then she did the Woody Woodpecker laugh. "Hoo hoo hoo ha ha! Hoo hoo hoo ha ha! Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh!"

Then we went into a Looney Toons thing where she was in the middle of circles, and did that wave. "That's all, folks!"

Then Scratch's actor, Scratch, walked up to her.

"Um, really? But aren't your characters supposed to kill my character or something?"

Nepeta's actress Nepeta sighed. "Yes, that was just a joke. Check the script."

"Oh."

Then actor-Scratch left that set and went over to the set of the room that was his. Then the director (Great Pikmin Fan) said "ACTION" and then the camera zoomed in and now actor Scratch was character Scratch again.

---

(Now it's canon again)

Scratch was pacing his room for a bit. "I must do something to speed up the pace! Maybe. Hrm, or I could just wait and see if the main tower screws them over. Hm... nah, I'd rather attack now."

So then he pushed a button and a bomb thing dropped. "Attention everyone." He announced. "If you keep staying here, then I'll take that as a sign that you want to attack, and you'll be hit by this bomb."

"He's bluffing!" Shouted John, "Come on, let's go after him!"

So the whole Rainbow Crew charged and then BOOM but all it did was blast away and damage them partly, this was just to give them edgier looks since this was the finale and everything. The Wonderful 101 did the same thing.

"Shit damn!" Said Vriska really edgy-like. "We need another method."

"Um." Scratch was heard over the PA. "That was the only one of those big bombs I had. Sorry."

"Well at least we look cool." Vriska said with a shrug.

"No, I don't think so." Argued Virkso. "I don't like how we no longer look hot anymore."

Then they looked at Hank, who frowned while holding his hand out.

"You guys are idiots, I'll tell you what." He said. "The real reason why that didn't kill y'all is because I used my magic on it. And that also broke from my Sage magic used on the barriers. Just before it was about to go away, too."

Everyone who wasn't part of the Crew groaned. Oh, the Pikmin interns groaned too.

"So we'll have to break the barriers after all. And you know what this all means... I've been meaning not to do this... but... hm..."

"But what, Mr. Hill?" Asked Connie. (Maheshwaran. Not Soupenousinphone. The other Connie isn't here, it's just Hank Peggy Bobby Dale Bill Boomhauer and Luanne and even then they're just cameoes.)

Hank then got on one knee and his face was really close to Connie's. Then, he said. "It means it's time for me to remove my underwear."

Thankfully that was just a code name, like in Kill La Kill (funny how when HUC started KLK didn't exist huh yet HHC takes place in the same month as HUC?). Instead he ironically seemed to put more on. After tugging at the leaf over his crotch (not tugging the whole part he grabbed the edge of the leaf and shaked it a bit you perverts) suddenly flashing lights appeared and the leaves grew around until it formed some loose mecha armor-like stuff.

"Incredible." Said Sheldon.

"If I comment about that, would people be making gay jokes of it?" Asked Raj.

"I'm goin' in. If anyone else wants a change of plans to get rid of the barriers, they can-"

But the magic did work in a way! It disabled the central white barrier around the elevator and stuff, and the Crew quickly ran in before it came back up and blocked out all the non-Crew members.

"...Well if anyone wants to still go after them and also stop these evil barriers," Hank continued, "They can. Just take these light magic arrow things."

And then because of the kindness message and something like that (even though that's mostly for Christmas specials) pretty much everyone went and split evenly. Um I'm not gonna say teams or anything but I will say right now that anyone who wasn't mentioned just sided with Hank.

---

(Light Barrier)

So they were going through the weird temple thing when Edd asked Luffy, "You know, that was pretty low of you to leave the Crew when they were kind of in need. You could have at least carried them out with you."

"Yeah! But without that they wouldn't have Noah-" He realized Noah wasn't with them. "Um... never mind."

Yeah the jury people who are still alive and not evil, as well as Hecksing, took this on. I just wanted to get them out of the way first. Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl were out there but Steven was sent to stay out of the whole manor and he's the only one not in any rooms.

"Ya' know," Said Carl, "We've seen all of you before, along with those weird John and Jade kids."

"They're legally adults by now." Said Edd.

"Well, I call everyone younger than me kid. But anyway, we saw you all in that Lawyer Guy thing! How did you feel runnin' away from all that?"

Seras, Rip, Captain, and Garnet were busting their asses breaking through all the traps and rocks and stuff after them. So they easily made it to the barrier itself.

"So. I think light magic is, like, poisonous to us vampires. Captain's too dumb to aim," Carl continued explaining, "Gems I don't know if they can properly channel it, um... who wants to do the honors?"

Then Eddy grabbed an arrow and fired it. PS the barrier just looked like the ones from Ocarina of Time 3D.

"You guys are pussies." Eddy said as the barrier exploded.

Then a ghostly image of Rose (Quartz) appeared! The Gems in particular were incredibly surprised and everything!

"WOAH!" Shouted Pearl, "Rose, what are-"

"My ghost here only has enough energy to tell you to hurry and teleport you out! P-Pearl I can't stay and talk I need to warp you out it's safer this way I-" then she turned to a ball of yellow light and flashed into the team and they were all teleported just outside the door.

Pearl cried a lot. But Lee (the Kanker for those that forgot) was staring at the floor, along with the other two Kanker sisters.

"...Is there something wrong with you?" Asked Eddy.

"That Sage thing. There really is more to this world. I gotta research too... just like that Nepeta chick..."

---

(Rainbow Crew)

"You know there's this thing called the Triple Force power?" Calliope asked. "Um, something about a chosen triad... cool blessing abilities... when all three of them bless the same person they can grant a wish... Caliborn was one of them before transfering the power to Scratch. I'm the other. And John, you're the third!"

"Ok cool."

Meanwhile, Nepeta was hacking up various dungeon monsters like crazy.

---

(Shadow Barrier)

"Okay sweetie." Daisy said to her son, "Now watch your mom in action."

She got into a fighting stance and- yeah she's still completely naked the whole time as with her son- and then jumped through the cave-like setting while dodging rivers of blood and the giant arms that were coming out of them. Doomguy, Samus, and Solid Snake were all also there and fighting off hordes of zombies by shooting and stuff. Daisy also helped them clear away the zombies and get to the next barrier. Except it was odd. It looked slightly bigger, had this weird light glow around it, and even looked a bit veiny. Then a floating screen thing appeared broadcasting Hank's face.

"This is Hank Hill attempting to broadcast a message throughout the six-barrier region of the Felt Tower. Informants told me that each barrier is set up in a way that when one is broken, the remaining barriers will aborb the power and get stronger. For the first five this is no problem, but then by the last one there will be so much power in the final barrier it will be like a tiny black hole. Be careful. I'll broadcast how many barriers remain. Right now it's still five."

"Make. That. Four." Daisy smirked as she shot a light arrow. The barrier appeared to dim down the arrow a bit and slow it down near the end, but it was still destroyed. A ghostly Alucard popped up.

"HI I AM A SAGE APPARANTLY I'LL TAKE YOU OUT OF HERE NOW GOODBYE!" Then he turned into a purple light and warped them all away.

---

(Rainbow Crew)

"I CAME TO AN EPIPHANY!" Karkat cried.

"Ew." Said Bro before Rose whispered something in his ear. Then he said "Ok nevermind."

"I shouldn't keep my blood color a secret! Especially in the death of the troll empress!" Karkat nodded. "From now on I'll change my color to red! Pure red, not Dave red!"

"Ahem." Said Kanrki. "Then we'd be redundant. The other ex-Alphas changed colors from you ex-Zodiacs since we knew about you for a bit of time, so that we'd stand out more from your little story of fighting villains."

"Actually we were afraid you'd sue for copyright infrindgement." Aranea added.

"...Well then I'll just change my outfit from gray-themed to red-the- actually my current outfit has both... well, I'll switch to... um... MAYBE WEARING A BRING RED ARM-BAND AROUND MY ARM!"

---

(Spirit Barrier)

"I gotta say," Said Red, "This worked out pretty well. I just thought the spirit 'element' would be cool to fight. The fact that we'll, according to Pearl the Gem and Daisy that woman from Hawaii, we'll also see the ghost of Kamina."

Since there was three hundred and fucking sixty one of them (Simon went too of course) and they were professional Spartans they blew up that old sandstone room and were already at the barrier, which was even bigger and stuff. The only reason why they didn't make it first was because they spent most of this mission having a lunch break just before attacking the barrier, so they saw it swell up and get more veins twice. Because they also analyzed magic they were good at noting why the barrier increased, what Scratch did, and were in fact the informants Hank was talking about. Also now everything around the barrier looked dark. And even... blue-shifted?

"Chartreuse." Red said as she slurped up the last of her noodle soup. "You're good with light and stuff. I'm pretty sure it's not the same stuff as this light the magic, but um... can you judge how to shoot it at that?"

"I don't see why not." She shrugged, firing the arrow. The barrier seemed to slow it down and blueshift it a little, and lower the light yet again, but it still hit and the barrier exploded and ghost-Kamina appeared.

"KAMINA!" Simon cried, "I'm a big fan!"

"Yeah we're all glad you're back. Even if it's only for a few seconds." Red nodded.

"YO!" Kamina cried. "DON'T OBSESS OVER ME TOO MUCH, GET ON! GO GO GO GO GO!" Then he turned into orange light and warped them away.

---

(Rainbow Crew)

Kanaya gave Karkat a piece of red cloth and Equius handed him an iron in the shape of a cancer sign (he had one for several troll signs, not just of the Rainbow Crew but also those that he knew as friends outside of the Crew). Vriska tried to light it on fire but failed pretty badly, so instead Sollux found a way to concentrate his powers in the form of fire. Karkat pressed the iron on the cloth and it burnt in a cancer symbol.

Things were going well until a generic mook broke in and knocked Karkat so that the brander flew through the air and landed on Nepeta's forehead. She knocked it off but it still left a mark. Nepeta ran to the mirror, using a water bottle to cool off the mark, then frowned.

"Yep. That's gonna scar." She sighed. "My regeneration should be able to get rid of it though, but only if the whole scarred skin section is destroyed-"

Then Gamzee walked up to her.

"Ew no! If an accent tears off that part of my face, fine, my immortality will let that heal, but I'm not going to mess it up on purpose just to get rid of a scar! I mean when the choise is that I'd rather keep it."

"Actually," said Gamzee, "I was just gonna ask if you were gonna drink that water off the floor."

"..."

Speaking of water:

---

(Water Barrier)

I don't like how the original water barrier was ice-themed because of a removed dungeon so here it actually is water-themed in the form of just like the water temple I guess.

"You sure you three got most of this on your own?" Asked Leonard, because the BBT crew was in that room (except Sheldon). Kind of stupid to go in there mostly just because your patron Sage was there. That's why Hecksing didn't follow after Alucard. Though most of them did know Kamina a bit more, and a bit longer. But they still didn't follow him either.

'Those three' were Tony Hawk, a shrunken David Hasselhoff (using mini mushrooms), and Penny. They were skating around like crazy and doing fairly good, and also surfing a bit through the waves and get it that's sort of a water joke. Oh, and fighting enemy waves, another water joke that's based on a pun.

This next barrier was already blackened a bit with how much crushing gravity is there. The following light arrow shot by Penny going all Nebraska just barely had enough light left that wasn't neutralized away to destroy it.

Instead of a ghost, a blue light appeared and just warped them all out. Kind of boring.

---

(Rainbow Crew)

Meulin got out a drill now. "I feel like experimenting with different weapons..."

Suddenly she got pestered by Red.

360: Yo.
360: Hank says that he might need something to take down the Forest Barrier
360: He's specifically making it the final barrier so that he'll be the only one to worry about it when it's fully charged.
360: Got anything to donate in case he doesn't make it?
ID: um becides my claws that i dont want to give away i recently got a lot of these identical drills i can toss him one
360: 'Kay.
360: I'm sending you a Spartan teleporter, it's pretty much the only thing that can get through that barrier, that and what it teleports.
360: If you can send it to us and we'll send it to him, it'll be a nice present.
240: Hey wait, doesn't Rose have a portal gun or something?
330: No I don't.
240: Not Rose the Spartan (you), or Rose the Gem, Rose the Rainbow Crew member.
ID: according to her gamzee misused it so now we cant send people around the barrier!
ID: sorry blue!
240: GOD DAMMIT GAMZEE!
ID: yeah i know but he seems like a good guy or something...
ID: well i cant speak for the whole crew but karkat wants him alive and karkat is someone i always liked
ID: well here you go and goodbye!

---

(Fire Barrier)

Link, Dracula, and the PHF crew (except Brenda) were getting around and through this hellish volcano like landscape.

"Ah, this isn't gwood for my swin." Said Dracula in his Elmer Fudd talk. "Wait a minute..."

Then he shot ice magic and froze the lava floor solid.

"Ohhhh..." Said Link. "Right. I forgot you were a master of those elements. Well, since like in Ganondorf's tower this mostly relies on a lot of the base of the room being made of boiling hot lava magma, this room in particular became a whole lot easier."

"You dumbass!" Said Uncle Grandfather, "Why didn't you do this before?"

"...Becawse otherwise I wouldn't be abwe to say that I'll have a sowwy discownt in my store!" Dracula answered. "Anything you wanna buy?"

"Hmm... you can turn people into, vampires, no?"

"Yeah."

"You think you can turn this employee of mine into a vampire? Mmm... I'd like me an immortal Brenda ass."

"Oh not against someone's will. She'd have to ask for the tuwning myself. That is assuming she's a girl and not a guy wiwh a girl's name (I know b/c Joan Crocker) since I can only tuwn girls."

"No, they updated that now." Said Young Man. "It's how the president-major of London Quimby got to come back!" Oh shit I guess if we're covering HUC-exclusive characters (which he's pretty much the only one left alive since everyone else appeared in HHC by now too) then he should be invited as well. Extra continuity. Um I'll think of something for him later, none of the Crew really knew him and Hecksing thought it would be too dangerous to rope him into this shit.

"Damn." Said UG.

"Hey wait isn't that stuff proven to only work with humans and trolls and I'm not sure if... frankly, any of you guys are human. Something about you seems off." Said Link. "I get the same vibe from you as I do from the Rainbow Crew themselves, whatever that means. And Hecksing. And Miley Cirus oddly enough."

Young Man patted his shoulder. "You don't understand." More non-canon stuff. "And for you viewers, this is not foreshadowing a PHF spinoff. Pikmin Fan doesn't actually like our show."

"Hey!" Shouted Dracula. "Are we here to talk busiwess or are we here to destwoy bawwiers?" So they went in, and it was again even bigger and more blackhole ish. In fact it was even breaking off parts of the room.

Instead of doing the arrow thing (good thing too because otherwise the remaining light of one of Hank's arrows wouldn't be enough and the firer would have to fire shitloads more), Dracula just kamehameha'd light directly to the barrier and it broke. Again, there was no ghost, just a red light that warped them out.

---

(Rainbow Crew)

"We're almost there!" Cheered Calliope. "So close!"

"PS I think I should tell you this now John," Said Nepeta, "It turns out that Hank's our biological son through some ghosty stuff called ectobiology."

"What? How is that even possible?" John answered.

"Well at some point in an alternate timeline someone took our DNA ghost imprint things, merged them into an unborn Hank, then immediately cursed it so that it'll be a Simpsonian even after death. Simpsonians by the way are human beings cursed in some weird way. This Homer/Hank thing was impregnated into Homer's parents and yeah, Hank has a little bit of both of us in him. We didn't destroy Homer's soul, we removed the curse with that light arrow and turned him back into his original, less violent form."

John frowned. Then laughed sheepishly. "Well, that's just ectobiology. I mean, it's not like we raised him or anything, so he's not... I'm not... I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT PRICK'S FATHER! I don't even want to be his son, which would make a lot more sense since he's like a jillion years older than me! That guy is creepy, sexist, old fashioned, boring... there's nothing I like about him! Well, he helped save us... at least twice I think, but aside from saving our lives I hate him!"

"So will you stop complaining about when I date the other trolls on the team?"

"Shut up."

---

(Forest Barrier)

"One barrier left... mine." Hank said to all the screens. I didn't have him update how many barriers were left on-screen because that's a cheesy gimmick that would get pretty annoying, pretty fast. Unless this were an animated movie. "With me luck fellas."

So it was the last three Sages: Hank, Brenda, Sheldon, and pretty much everyone else I didn't mention. The Pikmin interns were tagging along too. Again, the Forest Barrier was based on the old Wind Temple so I'm changing it so that it's a foresty setting. They were using Pikmin and if this were an animated movie we'd have a cool sequence where the three Sages were using the Pikmin like in Pikmin 3 where you could switch the captains. After getting close enough, the power of the last barrier overall broke the entire wall down before they could enter the door. Those barriers that were turning more and more into a mini black hole... well, the last one turned into like a mini black hole! How shocking was that! Also a huge amount of the surrounding was gone and it was just generic basement cave so this explains the distance stuff we'll see later.

Libera Me From Hell began playing as Hank, still in his plant mecha, took a deep breath.

"Well, here we go."

Then he dove in and was quickly getting sucked by the gravity.

"I ain't saying no showy crap I'll tell you what! I'll be seeing you soon y'all!" He broadcasted this too. And expanded this so the Rainbow Crew could see it.

"It's on you..." Said Kanaya.

Hank's mecha thing got out these wing-like parts that had missiles loaded. And they were changed with light magic.

"NOW FIRE DANG IT!"

He got error messages.

"DANG IT! WHY DID THIS HAVE TO BUST NOW? ARRRGH!"

That scream was because the pressure of the black hole-barrier caused the mecha thing to condense and explode.

"EXPLOSION CONFIRMED AT THE CONVERSION FIELD!" Sheldon analysed.

"Did he do it?" Asked Connie, who was also with him for some symbolic reason I forgot.

"No. There's no damage to the barrier. At all."

Nepeta pounded her hand on a random desk. "DAMMIT! HE WENT IN THERE JUST TO DIE? DID HE NOT LEARN ANYTHING FROM WHAT I DID?"

"Wait!" Shouted Connie, "What's that?"

"Hrm... we're far away from the barrier but judging on the size it's... Hank! He ejected in time!"

We saw a closeup of Hank falling to the gigantic barrier. "THE KING OF THE HILL IS FINE AND READY TO GO! I GOT ONE OF MEULIN'S DRILLS AS A GOOD LUCK CHARM, AND BELIEVE ME, I'M GONNA PUT IT TO GOOD USE!" His eyes glew and got a spiral shape as he said this.

"HANK!" Cried John.

"THIS IS MEULIN'S SOUL! THE RAINBOW CREW'S SOUL! AMERICA'S SOUL! ACTUALLY, THIS IS MY SOUL! DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK I'M GONNA LET IT BE WIPED OUT BY THE LIKES OF YOU?"

Energy flooded Hank as he held the drill out in front of him. Initially looking like he was locked in place, his own raw Hot Blooded Spiral Power was channeled into the metal spiral as it grew in size. Then it grew again. Then again, until it was far larger than Hank himself.

"AUUURAGGGH! KING OF THE HILL... GIGA... DRILL... BREAAAAAK!"

He charged to the singularity with full spirit inside of him, and also there was light magic powering it so it could destroy the barrier. When it landed, Hank took his hand out the drill then landed on his feet on the drill (because gravity was still drawing him to the barrier) as the barrier began breaking down. He crossed his arms and smiled.

"So this is what it feels like... to actually move foreward in life..." He said, then he started laughing as the explosion broke up the drill. Once the blast got to him and killed him, his laugh looked like that one episode where it got all strecthed out, the Happy Hank meme.

Rest in Piece, Hank Hill.

Though his ghost appeared in the place of it shortly after.

"As a fairy with power channeled to this ghost, I will not only teleport y'all out, I'll also give you... gifts. They're useless but they look... cool."

He turned to green light and warped them out.

---

(Central Room)

Everyone, including the Rainbow Crew, had Deal With it Shades placed by them and most of them put the shades on. That was Hank's gift. Well, the characters who already had shades just kind of put them in their pockets for now. The ones who didn't get shades were Brenda and Sheldon, who instead respectively got red and blue versions of the Kamina shades. The white barrier around the path leading up was gone.

"ATTENTION EVERYONE!" Sheldon cried, "WE'RE GOING TO LEAD YOU THROUGH THE REST OF THIS NIGHTMARISH TOWER AND ASSIST THE RAINBOW CREW IN ENDING THE FELT ONCE AND FOR ALL!"

"AND WE'LL KICK ASS ALONG THE WAY!" This is what got most people, especially the PHF group, to pause and pay even more attention. Because it was Brenda who said that. For those that don't know, she usually doesn't say anything. But Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory says too much.

The crowd began rallying. Sheldon said "Nice that they like my speech so much!"

Also, thanks to Hank's sacrifice unlocking the potential and everything for the power of Spiral Power, the team was taught how to make Spiral Energy to do stuff!

---

(Rainbow Crew)

"You said that there was a portal leading you to the Grand Canyon?" Asked Calliope.

"Yes." Said Rose. John got annoyed.

"I can magic a bridge over it! And at the end of this hall-"

Suddenly, the ground shook. The Crew looked out the window and saw Cartman! He was in an airship like in Mario! He had a megaphone too.

"I WILL RUIN YOU! FIRST YOU STOLE MAH TANK, THEN YOU PUNCHED MAH FACE! NOW I'LL GET REVENGE! All of your friends are in here so to kill them off I just need to come here! HAHAHA!"

"I THOUGHT HE WAS JUS A BORDERLINE FILLER VILLAIN! BUT APPEARING IN THE MAIN ANTAGONIST'S ARC? HOLY MOLY!" Shouted Karkat.

"What the fuck is an arc?" Asked John.

Cartman's airship began firing these heavy missiles at the side of Scratch's apartment, blowing a hole and tilting that part so that the whole Crew fell out. Aradia was about to fly, but then Cartman sent a signal that jammed the troll's powers just like the Troll Empress! So the Crew had to fall on the airship.

"HEY!" Scratch shouted, teleporting out and then re-knocking his Tower back in place. Then he warped on the airship. "Who the hell are you?"

"Oh, I'm part of a fellow HRG now." Then he pushed a button and a cage dropped on the Crew. "You wouldn't mind if I got revenge on these fuckers, did you?"

"No... not at all... not at all... HA HA HA HA HA!"

---

Those other guys were tearing their way up the dungeon, meanwhile, while glowing with Spiral Energy.

"With the strength of fire," Said Brenda.

"And the flow of water," Said Sheldon.

"If there's a wall, we'll tear it with our hands!"

"In the lack of a path, we carve our own!"

"No limits or bounds will be applied to us!"

"And our awesomeness exceeds any rule or law!"

"WE'LL TEAM UP AND KICK SCRATCH'S ASS!" Both of them said.

Then Red frowned. "Bad news my hot-blooded partyers. I've used some Spartan technology. The Rainbow Crew's captured. Someone should go after them."

"NOOOOO!" Sonic cried, running through the nearest window then running up the walls and then hopping on the airship! By this point, Cartman used some weird paralysis beam on Jane, John, and Jade, and had Jane and Jade tied to poles while John was watching both of them.

"NOW PICK ONE TO SAVE! THIS IS JUST ONE OF MANY GAMES! HAHAHAHA!" Cartman laughed, as Sonic still worked his way up.

"Um, well I'm dating Jade so-"

Then Cartman fired a laser at Jane! But thankfully Sonic came to save the day by throwing a ring at the poles the three were tied to, then absorbing some of the blast by jumping in front of it. Jane fell out just in time, but Sonic screamed "NOOOO" as he was disintigrated by the laser.

"You shouldn't have done that..." Said Jane. "AT ALL!"

Jane whipped out a huge red blade and charged at Cartman with it, and Cartman reacted in kind with a series of slashes back.

"EVERYONE!" Jane ordered, "WE HAVE TO TEAR THIS FLAGSHIP UP!"

"Bitch, you think this is my flagship? That's not my flagship... I'll warp to my flagship!"

Then he pushed a button on his watch and warped away. Jane ran over to a computer and saw a graph, then grabbed the steering wheel and pointed it out in a direction to a rather odd patch of clouds in the night sky.

"ACCORDING TO THIS, HE TELEPORTED IN THAT DIRECTION!"

A bunch more airships came out. Jane charged at first but the missiles pretty muched wrecked that shit.

"I HOPE THIS TINY SHIELD CAN WORK!" Shouted Karkat, getting out the Hemoshield.

"Wait!" Calliope cried, looking at the shield. "This shield... I think that it can get around Cartman's anti-troll power field!" She tapped it a bit and channeled some chakra, and it was glowing once again.

"You know what? Here, take it. You deserve it more than I do." He said. "Fuchsian even used to have it and then I stole it, like an asshole."

Smirking, Calliope jumped off and said "FOLLOW MY LEAD!" Then used maroonblood powers to get them all to float...

But Cartman just shot it out her hands, used some kind of beam like the bad guy in Incredibles to get it, and then said "Cool. This'll look nice for my weapon collection." Over some speakers.

Dirk just got out another rocket board with that same thing that let multiple people get cramed in it. Then he flew them all around, Jane trailing behind him and cutting up whole battleships.

"We must end this because it went on for too long!" Dirk shouted, but then his board finally ran out of gas.

"AAAAHHH!" Dirk and Jane shouted, Karkat pestered them (it's short so I won't bother with making it a log) asking why they were screaming since he wasn't watching outside. That was when two blue dots shone from below, and two figures lept up! It was Denise and Kaitana! Kaitana put a protection sphere of water around the Crew (with air in the middle of course and it wasn't airtight, so they could all breathe, and by now they got out of that rocket board) while Denise jumped higher and made a much bigger water shuriken around that sphere. Kaitana jumped up to the shuriken, they rode it and spun it towards the ominous cloud thing, and the two kissed. The shuriken was also fucking huge and could cut through the ships like they were nothing.

"AHA!" Cried Aranea, "If it isn't... um, you guys we saw in Greece?"

There was some static sounds, followed by Red over some speaker. "Hey, we're planning on making a badass mecha out of Spiral Power slash chakra in Hank's image or something. Problem is, it needs someone tied to a specific Sage to pilot a specific part, and since Hecksing has dibs on representing Alucard's portion... could you two take Kamina's once it's made? We have to leave real soon for a really important mission."

Kaitana nodded. And yes, they can also see the person instead of just hear them. These guys travel through time, they should have visual ports in their communication.

Then the clouds opened up and was really just a smokemachine by the flagship! Which was really a huge black... ship with a lot of ominous red markings and swastica signs. It began firing its own missiles, which really tore at the water structure...

---

(The Tower)

"EVERYBODY!" Both of the living Sages shouted. As the Spiral Energy began forming.

Then there was a rumble, and a HUGE Mecha spawned that looked kind of like a Hank Hill Mii. Naturally, since this was from within the Tower, Scratch (who teleported back) braced this by closing a protective barrier over his warping pool before the mecha uppercutted through half the building and destroyed that half, also sending Scratch flying backwards and the whole upper rooms flying to the ground.

"Even when trapped by karma's cycle..." Said Brenda,

"The dreams we left behind will open the door!" Said Sheldon,

"Even if the universe stands in our way!"

"Our seething blood will determine what would be!"

"We'll break through time,"

"And space!"

Then they both said "AND DEFY ALL WHO WOULD STOP US TO GRIP HOLD OF OUR PATH!"

Then instead of naming the mecha they didn't because all possible names for it sounded stupid. So they just went "HANK HILL... MECHA." Awkwardly because that's the least dumb name.

Scratch on the top groaned. "I didn't want to do this... ejecting top floors to the outskirts of the town!" Yep, it popped off and landed in the countryside complete with a prachute. Scratch teleported to the highest floor that still remained and a control panel came up. Then, it lost all of its dungeony things and grew three times in size, and got its own arms and legs. NOW SCRATCH HAD HIS OWN MECHA! It charged after the Hank one.

---

(Rainbow Crew/Hank Mecha)

Just as the water was worn out, Nepeta shouted "I didn't want to do this, but you guys might have to jump in my portal to-"

But then the Hank mecha flew by 'ate' them up! The Crew all plopped down in a green head compartment where the KOTH gang and Connie were.

"Hi, apparantly you can only pilot this mech if you're familiar with a given Sage or have ties to them or whatever." Said an unamused Bobby. "Head's Hank, right arm's Brenda, left arm's Sheldon, right leg's Kamina, left leg's Alucard, Stomach and chest is Rose, and the crotch is just a waiting area for those not familiar with any of them. And yes, Brenda and Sheldon are opperating their own arms I think. Well, Denise and Kaitana, over there are the teleporters to Kamina's leg. I think Red wanted you there?"

"So what was that again Nepeta?" John asked.

"Nothing, nothing! We don't have to worry about that, we have a mecha!" She was grinning sheepishly and pointing over rapidly to the enemy as if to distract them from what she said earlier.

Then the mecha flew forth and on the flagship. But Scratch was just behind... Actually I have a lot of ideas I want to cram into this one chapter (since 25 is only the final battle and 26 like goes into the future like what HUC did) so no, they didn't make it just yet. Instead Scratch's mech caught up to them and grabbed them, then teleported the Crew away.

The Crew found themselves in plastic wrapping, kind of like that Powerpuff Girls episode. Some dorky pimply teen about 13 was there and grinning, as was Scratch and Cartman (Cartman took a ride over there from the flagship's teleporter, so that's not a plot hole). And they were all in the Scratch-mecha, originally part of his apartment.

"Crew, this is my adopted son. Lewis." Scratch said refering to the about 13 guy. "Lewis Scratch. I adopted him lately because he was a big fan of your... nudity antics and thinks you look hot."

"Dang, I wish you were in your female appearances." Said Lewis. "I mean, all of you. My little figure collection would look better."

Out of spite, Rose transformed in a male form. Meanwhile, Nepeta was clawing the plastic away. Then freed herself! Luckily Cartman was laughing too hard at their humiliation and Scratch went back to piloting the mech since the Hank one was kicking at his.

"Psst. Hey." Nepeta whispered to Lewis. "Don't tell Scratch about this, okay?"

"OKAY!" Lewis nodded. "I'LL LISTEN TO ANYTHING YOU GUYS HAVE TO SAY!"

So she eventually unfreed everyone to speed things up and then Nepeta slapped him on the head saying, "STOP BEING A PERVERT!"

Then Carl broke in! Cartman finally stopped laughing. "Hey, I've been told you were captured again, so I'm here to save you and- wait... you already saved yourselves... still, I wanna show that I'm a better person than I was in the past, so I'll do this:"

He sonic waved Cartman to death, then got his blood familiar thing.

"Kay. Beth, are we now on better terms-"

"No, fuck off." Nan said.

"Shoot. Welp, let's get back in this mech and destroy the anti-troll-psychic field."

But first Scratch warped there! "I didn't want to use this, but... TRIPLE FORCE POWERS ACTIVATE!"

He then fired a beam at Nepeta! After hitting, suddenly Hank's corpse came up! Then underwent a mutation thanks to Scratch's magic! "You're now cursed and this anti-blessing of sorts had summoned back Hank from beyond, and I also corrupted him in a Slender Man form!"

Yep, said mutation involved his skin getting white and going faceless, and he began sprouting all these branch arms everywhere! Calliope said "Stand back."

While John sighed. "Do you have a power for everything?"

Maybe because Calliope then also shot a similar beam thing and it compressed them down into the form of... A BOARD OF WOOD! Scratch then tossed a strange quantum-cross universe thing at them.

"HAHAHA!" He shouted. "This will send you to the alternate universes," And then the board vanished! "No, not split timelines, but the precursor multiverses! You will take an eternity to find your way back to-" And then Nepeta came out of nowhere and clobbered him on the head.

"Let's run! I'll explain when we get back to the mecha!"

---

(Hank Mecha)

"So... what?" Asked John.

"Well," Answered Nepeta, "First I was evil because of the dark magic or something around that Hank guy. I was sent to this world where someone sold me on EBAY as this 'Plank replica.' And then another Dave - didn't have red skin, looked younger, dressed weird - got it and used it to knock out his world's versions of Karkat and Kanaya. Then we were split in half when trying to knock out Equius. Some other stuff happened, we got eaten by Aranea which turned her into Slender Man, an alternate universe me wearing red killed her, then I still had the power to move across trees and everything, I... or we I don't even care anymore - talked to their world's Nepeta and because of the Slender stuff again I was evil and possessed her into... I don't know. Long story short I was sent to this other world with those Ed guys and they were killing eachother... then that world's Edd went back in time... crossed into another dimension with animals... this weird 'godess' thing helped heal the Plank-ness... long story short, I traveled until I got to the alternate timeline we made back when we were in 1993. You know, when we flipped that coin? It landed scratch there, and a lot of stuff was different, but I psychicly told their John to try to bless me since I moved to a splinter, and Hank and I got a wish! But we agreed that Hank wanted to rest in peace, so he would be killed by the revival while I live on. Then I got into this... time thing and came back here."

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? All the Planks we saw... well plot twist, THEY WERE ALL THE EXACT SAME PERSON! From Sweet Jade and Hella John, The Eds' EDveture, Zombie Attack!, and Gumball Vs Satan! Also the upcoming Housestuck: The Split! The same person! It was Nepeta all along! More info on the full timeline once HTS is out and done.

"You didn't wish for that scar to go away?" John asked.

Nepeta looked in a mirror (the mech had lots of them) and sighed. "Oh. I forgot about that. I was there for a long time, and... forgot about it. So when I said my wish was my 'previous form' and, yeah."

Hank-mech just kind of kicked away the Scratch mech and flew on the flagship by now.

---

(Flagship)

We saw the Hank mecha stepping on the main deck.

"YOU MAY HAVE DEFEATED OUR NEWEST MEMBER CARTMAN, BUT YOU WILL ALL BOW TO THE POWER OF THE SHIP SHITTERS! THE HITLER REVIVAL GROUP THAT HAS THE BIGGEST FLYING WARSHIP THAT IS CURRENTLY ATTACKING CHICAGO!" Shouted some leader-type over the speakers. Since I'm always for fleshing out this world and stuff, let's call her Haily I guess.

Haily sent out a number of other mechs. 400, to be exact.

"Welp." Said Doc Scratch. "Looks like I can sit back for a while."

"WE DIDN'T 'DEFEAT' HIM, WE KILLED THAT MOTHERFUCKER!" Cried Carl, "WHAT IS THIS 4KIDS?"

Suddenly a picture of Cortana appeared on the screens of the Hank mech. "Mecha hijacking virus created. This will be perfect for the upcoming Spartan battle."

"Oh, yes!" Cried Red. "Yeah, gut instinct is what made me stick with joining this party. You see, pretty soon we'll have to fight something even more powerful and worse than Scratch."

"You mean this fabeled Lord English guy?" Asked Dave.

"I said worse. Now, let's leave!"

Then the mech got on one knee and that kneecap shot out these virus beam things. It was also beaming a member of those 360 Spartan squad into each of them (incl Simon and Cortana), then it blew up the rest.

"See ya!" Red and team gave a mecha-sallute the Hank mech did back, then she and her squad took off into space.

But then Scratch's Tower mech rammed into them! "With no more army I'll fight you down!" Doc Scratch said.

The team tried to pull together, except since the Tower Mecha was about double the size of the Hank Mecha, they were all kicked repeatedly and knocked down. They slid across the deck of the ship as both Scratch and Haily laughed at them.

Then, inside the 'Forest' compartment, Calliope tapped Karkat's head.

"I'll also let you contact versions of yourself from different timelines at the same point in time. Hey! Karkat, there's another you trying to do that right now! I'll let you talk to him."

"Ok fine." He sighed, giving up at keeping track of Calliope's powers.

---

(Black Mind World Thing)

Karkat was standing in a black empty void. For once for these mind things, he was actually clothed, because A: The clothing's kind of an important distinction. and B: I don't do naked dudes if naked women aren't involved.

Then he saw another him walking foreward. BUT, his outfit had lime hearts and light-lime diamonds on it instead of the usual coloring for the quadrant symbols! And he also had a band on it, with a cancer symbol... EXCEPT IT WAS LIME TOO! And he was sure it was another him, and not just Karkta looking in a male form!

"ARE YOU ALSO FROM THAT SPLIT TIMELINE?" Karkat asked.

"UM... EXACTLY?" Lime Karkat answered, "IF BY SPLIT DO YOU MEAN..."

"YES, YES, THE COIN-FLIP OF 93 BEFORE GOING BACK TO 2011?"

"WHICH 93? 1993 OR 493?"

"1993."

"THEN YES, EXACTLY. I AM THAT YOU FROM THE SPLIT TIMELINE. HAVE ANY QUESTIONS?"

"WE'RE BEING BEATEN BY A MECHA!"

"OH, THAT'S IT? THE SITUATION I'M IN IS WAY WORSE! JUST GET GOOD!"

Then Karkat reached into his boxer shorts and got out his shades (boxers usually don't have pockets and it's not as disgusting as it sounds - he put them in the back of his shorts, not the front ok?) from before and put them on. "I will." He nodded seriously, "And I'll tell everyone to do the same. Another question. Why the fuck is your blood lime?"

"A deal from Hank Hill." Lime Karkat answered.

"Aw shit, I wish I knew about that before he died."

"He died in our timeline too. A while ago. But like, my deal was a special special offer. Did you at least get a Token before his death?"

"...No :("

"Then I can't help you. He also doesn't like being brought back to life. Sorry, maybe if you find another timeline?"

"Nah, it's not worth it. I can tell Karkta to do whatever and she's such a doormat she'll do it anyway!"

"That's not what counterparts are supposed to be there for. They're there to make you think about yourself. And there to make you think about them. I guess you're not worthy to have limeblood anyway, knowing that (not being told!) is part of our test."

"Our test?"

"Long story. Short story, get good."

Then the setting became light.

---

(The Mecha)

"We just have to tough it out I guess." Shrugged Karkat. "Let's do this."

Then there was this punch-out like boxing match, and like a lot of other things from this chapter that was ripped off from Wonderful 101 too. So let's just skip it since this story is long enough, to when they won.

"Oh! Look what I can do!" Cried Meulin, pushing a button and then a drill popped out. "FINISHING MOVE! GIGA! DRILL! BREEEEAAAK!"

Then the Hank mech jumped up, and drilled down. Down through the Tower mech and through the flagship, blowing up its core.

"NOOOOO!" Cried Haily as the ship's explosion killed her and her whole HRG.

"Well..." said Jade, sighing. "I guess that's it. That's finally it. After four months, the main reason why we went on this big adventure... is gone."

But suddenly a surge of green electricity hit the mecha! A TV screen popped up to everyone, and it was Scratch! Resting by the top of the tower!

"I teleported here in the nick of time! And now, I just sent the whole mecha a virus that stunned it and put it under my control! It also disabled all electronics, so you can't call the 360 to bail you out!"

"Did you also disable troll's psychic powers?" Asked Karkta.

"...No, but I did disable vampire powers and regular ol' chakra/spiral energy (they're the same thing) magic moves. ANYWAY, in one hour my new Death Ray thing will be complete and will blast that mech to oblivion, killing EVERYONE on it! It's a really powerful laser, I'm sure even Rip won't survive."

Then Karkta gripped her fists! "Rainbow Crew! It's come down to this! Let's get him!"

Then the whole Crew was teleported away by Karkta's powers!

---

(Hallway)

Since the top floors of the Tower were partly broken yet not slanted since Scratch used teleportation to re-align it. Ominous organ music was playing from above.

"You... actually pulled off a good teleportation!" Rose said, "Karkta, that was amazing!"

"I didn't teleport you directly to the room because I'm more familiar with the layout by this hallway, s-sorry." Karkta herself said. "Come on, let's go kick Scratch's butt. For Hank."

"FOR HANK!" The whole Crew cried.

Then they ran to the end of the hall, and up the elevator, where they found once again the pond room. (The stuff that teleported them to the Grand Canyon in chapter 17.) As Calliope promised she did the magic thing and made a transparent bridge made of magic so that they crossed over. Since it obviously wasn't linked to the thingy, Scratch couldn't blow it up. On the other side was a staircase, leading to another hallway that looked like that canon one. The organ music was getting louder.

"That is one big organ." Dave said dramatically like in all those movies.

"Not as big as... THIS organ!"

Then Roxy used the Hank-power stuff to grow a big penis comically large but all it did was tear her shorts open. Let's just say the censor bar was not normal-sized and actually filling up the hall a bit.

"Oh god no that's too big change it back CHANGE IT BACK!" Cronus cried.

"Okay okay, jeez." said Roxy.

So they opened the door to find Scratch playing on the organ itself. IT WASN'T BACKGROUND MUSIC, IT WAS PART OF THE PLOT!

"Ah... I see the Triple Force stuff is resoning or whatever..." Said Scratch, as a triangle glew on the back of John's hand.

Then another one on the back of Calliope's hand.

"...Let's finally get this over with." He finished.

He threw the organ out the window, where it landed on Peter Griffin. This explains why in 2041 in HUC, they said Family Guy was canceled. Its lead actor died in an accident. And yes, that was an accident. Scratch didn't do that on purpose.

"We're not afraid!" Said Nepeta, then she boredly looked at the ground. "Though... some are more not-afraid than others. We're here to put a stop to you annoying us so often!"

Scratch laughed as he began floating in the air. Then he took out a pill bottle. It was labeled... VITAMIN SCRATCH! His mouth grew a green opening thing like Pac-Man, and he ate a pill then started getting the billiard glow. Also the third of the triangles appeared on the back of his hand.

"Well then. If you want to, the final battle will begin right now."

---

Closing AN:

I'm just kind of happy that I'm finally getting this wrapped up now.

What was that stuff about the Sages? Honestly, that was planned to be a follow-up to something from the second chapter (well, mild spoilers, a little after that - those Rose Quartz has no plans to be involved) of naruto the guy with the ninja, but this chapter has a deadline and that didn't. And I was a huge procrastinator (still kind of am), so the rest should be self-explanatory. I might explain more about the reasoning behind the Sages once that's out, either on the chapter itself or on my Tumblr. Probably the former, because as much as I don't want to admit there is a slight chance something might happen to my Tumblr blog or Tumblr in general and I don't want this to be one of those things that are like "Go to this website that's now down to see this thing." I'm already considering doing something about Sweet Jade and Hella John, Kids Fit the Trolls and its sequel/spinoffs, and Sheldin and Lenard some kind of mirrors here, because at least if ffn goes down, everything is going down at once.

This is probably the last major "plot twist chapter" in that I did have a lot of ideas that wouldn't really work in 25 (short) or 26 (an concluding epilogue) but I also didn't want this to be a behemoth like those season six chapters, so I went through and rushed with it as quick as possible. Obviously as shown by the signs, a lot of these concepts will be explored far more in Housestuck: The Split. More details on that are currently on my profile, until when it comes out. Then more details will obviously be in HTS itself.

The reason why I'm not saying much despite rapid-firing so much shit in one chapter even by not just HHC standards, but of the whole SBIG series in general (unless you count the subacts in Sweet Jade and Hella John as whole "chapters," which I personally wouldn't if for whatever reason I was going to reformat and rewrite it as a text-only story on here) is because I feel like a lot of my actual commentary would be more fitting in the AN to the final chapter. So... it'll go there. Like HUC and HTD, it will be divided by my thoughts on the chapter itself and of the overall story.

So, will this fan fic be able to pass the 300,000 word count? Let's find out.