Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals
Chapter 25: Scratch'd
Beginning AN:
All I have to say becides this running gag disclaimer below is that I did the final look through of this the same day I wrapped up that of chapter 24, and added the disclaimer to chapter 26. And I wrote the chapter itself really really quickly, over the span of just two days. Okay just letting you know how quick I was done with this. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert teenagers and one badass cherub. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!
The boss fight against Scratch was now afoot! He charged up a lot of his power and punched the floor, making the whole Crew stagger, including the ex-Felts (AN jeez I forgot they were even in this story) except Nepeta and Netimp. Then he shot out a MASSIVE RAINBOW FIREBALL MAGIC THING!
CHAPTER XXV.
Jade took action, using her ice magic to make a sword of ice and reflecting it back in Scratch's direction. Then Scratch hit it back. And forth. And such, like a game of tennis. You get it, it's more Ocarina of Time stuff. But then Scratch missed and it hit him!
"I got this one..." Equius breathed heavily, drawing a bow...
THE BOW DIDN'T BREAK! He finally got control of his strength, and shot a light arrow through Scratch's chest. He flashed with a lot of light, then some beams or something flew out before going back in him.
"COULD THIS MARK THE END OF DOCTOR BAUL SCRATCH?" Asked Scratch.
"That guy was a doctor?" Terezi asked, then she shuddered.
"What do you mean was, I'm still alive idiots." Scratch replied.
"Not fur long..." Nepeta cackled, actually sounding evil.
Then since the dark magic animating him was weakened by the light arrow the Crew and especially ex-Felt just ran up to him and started bashing and beating his ass a lot.
Eventually Scratch let out a cry and fell over, but then he lifted in the air and the whole apartment flashed and then he unleashed a burst of energy that broke the entire walls and roof of the room. The Crew looked and saw that they were now on the moon. The Spartan-360 whatever flew past high through the space in their mecha, but didn't seem to spot the Rainbow Crew.
"That bastard!" Karkat cried, "He used the last of his energy to warp this whole apartment here!"
The blast also knocked him back and he fell off the edge.
"Well," Shrugged Jean, "That's where the warp to the Grand Canyon comes in! John, I know you're sick of that place, but staying up here forever can't be worth avoiding it."
John grumbled.
"Well..." said Jade, sighing. "I guess that's it. That's finally it. After four months, the main reason why we went on this big adventure... is gone."
"WAIT!" Cried Nepeta, looking over the edge. Everyone was staring at her bare ass. She might still be scratched up and bruised from the bomb (as with everyone), but damn if that still wasn't a perfect ass. "I think I saw him move."
Calliope sighed. "Dark magic vessels - the proper term for what he is - can do that. They have a backup supply. If left unchecked it migh regrow. Let's go down there and finish this."
(Outside)
Once the last person (Virkso because he was toying around with his MP3 player and not focusing on running) got out, those pole-like door trap things from the Zelda series blocked all openings. Suddenly, Scratch started levitating again.
"I will now waste up my backup reserve power to transform... BACK INTO THE ORIGINAL OWNER OF THIS TRIPLE-FORCE THING!"
Calliope gasped! The leprechauns gasped! The humans gasped! The trolls... sort of gasped, because Nepeta didn't. Neither did Netimp of course.
"Well..." Jade said, "Aw fuck it, Scratch might be dead for real but I don't care anymore that's an inappropriate time to say about this anyway."
Then more flashing magic happened! Because of the budget, we only saw Scratch glow, then John gasp, then he had already here'd into Lord English! (Really he just teleported and replaced Lord English's place at some art convention mentioned in chapter 24. In the newspaper there's headlines saying that a dead puppet thing landed and they checked so that's confirming that Scratch is dead.) He also made the moon flash all sorts of different colors.
(Though on the plusside with Scratch gone or rather almost forgot about this gag, DEAD the magic hold he had on the Hank Mecha was also gone so everyone was free and sent thank you texts confirming it. Speaking of old gags:
1/1 white torsos dead and we're not counting the leprechauns since they are good)
"WHAT IS THIS WITH ALL THE NAKEDS?" Lord English asked.
"WE WILL FIGHT IN THIS TOGETHER!" Said Calliope. "Go on now! I say go!"
Then Equius hit him with another light arrow and the Crew beat him up, ending with Jean breaking off one of that pole-spike-door thing's pole-spikes and shoving it up his ass. English let out one last cry before falling over, dead. To prove it his eyes weren't flashing anymore and were just black 8 balls. Then Jade stepped on his head for good measure and blattered the head stuff everywhere.
"JESUS H. CHRIST JADE, THAT'S BRUTAL AND DISGUSTING!" Jane cried.
"I for one am proud." Nepeta shrugged. "That was pretty cool."
"Well, I just wanted to make sure he was dead. It's kind of surreal that almost everything we did is wrapped up now. And graduation is tomorrow-"
Then Calliope fell over and started making grunting pain noises. She fell to her knees and elbows.
"What's wrong now?" Asked Karkat.
Dave started running backwards. "LOOK OUT SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE HAS REALLY BAD DIARRHEA!"
Then a giant blue wing sprouted from what looked like her left buttcheek, and a yellow ring from her right.
"What." Asked Roxy.
"I WAS RIGHT! That is what Cherub shit looks like, right?" Dave said and asked.
"No. When a cherub beats his or her sibling if they have one - or, in my case - counterpart fits the bill - they are granted with ass wings. And... this sort of counts for that?"
So then they went to the portal room, but Nepeta went "WAIT!"
Terezi sighed. "What now?"
"That laser thing Scratch talked about. Hold on. I won't destroy it, but I'll redirect it and change it up a bit. It'll go somewhere very important, and I promise it won't take any lives."
"Well ok we're dating so I trust you." Said Karkat.
Then Nepeta typed some stuff into the thing and the whole Crew jumped into the teleport pool.
(Less Than One Hour Later)
The laser fired and it hit this wall that was about to be demolished but had teal graffiti showing Ezekiel's face reading "Ezekiel lives large & kicks butt!" then it changed to a picture of an ass saying "Ezekiel licks butt." The whole Crew was there to see this.
"Cute." Said Rose. "But who is Ezekiel?"
"Long story. Dangerous story. I'll tell you later."
(Less Than One Hour Ago)
The Crew landed in the Grand Canyon.
"Now, while the leprechauns might be able to warp us around or something, that could also be dangerous. So I'll just fly you back." Said Calliope. "And before you fight over order, two things. One, I'll pick and pick randomly (though Dave won't be the first or last since I don't think he should be left alone for two long I didn't know him that long but it's already my opinion) and two, I fly fast and will get you back to Chicago in less than an hour."
"Yes!" Nepeta cried. "When the laser goes off, I'll be there to show you what it did!"
So Calliope flew them back one by one. The last person she got was Nepeta.
"Hi." Calliope said. "I don't believe we've fully met one-on-one. You... had something about a journal mentioning me?"
"Are you taking a rest before flying back?"
"Oh, no... no... I can fly you back now."
(Exactly One Hour Later)
"...He was this annoying teen guy who got into competitions with me over being the 'most important.' He's also almost unkillable. He regenerates, like me. But unlike me, he can also adapt to and change his body type. Sort of like Dark Ezekiel, but without the weakness to light magic. Kind of weird. Normal Ezekiel is 'stronger' than Dark Ezekiel. You would think it's the other way around."
(Tomorrow Morning)
The Crew was in their graduation uniforms, including Calliope who got to be wormed into the schools legally. (If I didn't say this before Damara was already regularly sent to school while captured; Calliope, however, was frozen and missed several years. The counterparts had long since been wormed in too.) The guardians and ancestors were sitting in the audience.
"...And that was the Class of 2011, everybody! Also, moment of silence for Rick Abs. Sure, he was a complete asshole piece of shit that stalked Jade Harley and bullied others, but what's more important is that he was a pro golf player and our ticket to State Golf Finals."
"STATE! STATE! STATE!" Cheered a fraction of the other students, the vocal minority. Although almost everyone was disappointed that they lost their chance at state just when Rick was killed.
Then the Crew walked away from the building, and outside to a lush grass field. Symbolically, it was by the city boundry of Chicago, and there was a sign saying "NOW LEAVING CHICAGO" to represent moving foreward, even though most of them will stay in Chicago at least for right now. The whole Crew stared out into the fields.
"Beautiful." Said Rose. "Just beautiful. Being free from both Scratch and the Troll Empress."
"For the first time in our lives, too." Fact-checked Aradia. "Because you see, the Troll Empress was the ruler over America and Alternia so she ruled over the ancestors and guardians, then before we were born she gathered data from the auto-responders, then she got her weird background attatchment to us when we were born."
"No-one cares." John sighed. "Now, what's next?"
"We can finally play Planet of Warcraft!" Cheered Jade.
Then they all jumped in the air and threw off their graduation hats. And there was a freeze frame as the image quickly changed to look like a painting, like the usual ends of anime. But then it unfroze as Nepeta ripped off her robe and ran down the path naked.
"THANK GOD THAT WAS OVER WITH! I hate wearing robes! And I'm not a big fan of clothes in general..."
While still running, the rest of the Crew (even Netimp) stared awkwardly as it did another freeze-frame thing again.
Closing AN:
Another intentionally short chapter out of the way. Just like twelve of HUC.
For those wondering, I'm not really fond with how Lord English has been written as a villain in canon (basically even after the reveal that he's definitely Cal he still really doesn't feel like "big endgame guy" and I even thought the Cal reveal was just kind of poor in general), which is why the focus for about 99% of this fan fic isn't on him, and that remaining one percent is a joke of an anti-climax. I'll explain more a bit later.