AN- Well, I wanted to say two things: 1- I really appreciate the reviews, and I'll try to update as often as I can. :) 2- In this version of the story, Uriel never told Sam that Dean remembered more about Hell than he was letting on. I hope you enjoy!

Sam and Dean sit in silence as they drive away from the publisher's house. Dean sighs, feeling his brother's eyes on him. "I promised I would keep you updated. If you want to know something, ask. Don't just keep staring at me like that."

Sam smirks, glad to hear his brother acting more Dean-like. "I don't have to ask anymore," he taunts. "I have a chronicle of all your thoughts and feelings throughout this whole road trip."

Dean frowns. "Right," he mutters. "Forgot about those."

Sam's smile fades. It hadn't even occurred to him that there was more his brother didn't want him to read about- he'd mostly just mentioned the books to annoy Dean. "Is there something else you're not telling me?"

Dean shifts in his seat. "Nothing important."

"I didn't ask if it was important, I asked if there was something you were keeping from me, and apparently there is. So tell me." When Dean doesn't respond, Sam adds, "Or I could always read the other books. And the books won't sugarcoat it like we both know you will."

"You're never gonna stop threatening me with those, are you?" Dean asks, but he doesn't sound angry. He just sounds tired. "Well, I guess you'd find out one way or another. Sam... In hell, it wasn't just four months. It was 40 years."

Sam breaths in, but doesn't say anything. He just waits for his brother to continue.

"The things they did to me there…" A tear wells up in Dean's eyes, but he forces it away and tightens his grip on the steering wheel. "They chained me up and electrocuted me. They peeled my skin off, slowly and painfully. They cut me open and hurt me in ways you could never understand. But the worst… the worst part was when Dad came. He saw me. He watched them torture me, and he didn't do a damned thing. And that hurt enough… But then he talked to me. He said that he wouldn't have died for me if he knew how I was gonna waste it. If he knew how much of a disappointment I'd be. If he'd known how many people I'd let down… How I'd let you die, right in front of me. I was supposed to protect you." Dean's voice cracks, and Sam can hear the loathing laced in every word.

"You have to know that probably wasn't Dad," he says, trying desperately to make his brother see that it was just a trick. Dean turns to him with dead eyes, his face so broken and hopeless now that he's not hiding his pain behind a smile for Sam's sake.

"Who else would it have been? And are you really surprised?" he asks.

"Dad would never say that!" Sam says.

"Not to you, anyway. You were always his favorite," Dean mutters.

"What the hell does that mean?"
"Nothing. Forget about it," Dean says.

"Dean," Sam says, warning clear in his tone. "Tell me. You promised you wouldn't shut me out like this anymore."

Dean turns to look at his younger brother. "Dad ever hit you?" he asks. Sam is too shocked to say anything. "Didn't think so. Like I said, you were his favorite."

"He hit you?" Sam asks in a dangerously low voice.

Dean is already looking like he regrets saying anything. "Look, it's not like it was anything I didn't deserve."

This attempt to make Sam feel better backfires terribly. "Dean! You didn't deserve it! Any of it!" Then he pauses. "What makes you think you did?"

His older brother shrugs. "Well, the time he hit me the hardest was when I couldn't talk you out of college. I don't know why I even tried to; I wanted you to be happy, and you weren't happy with us. I guess I just didn't want to be alone. When Dad did things like that, I still had you. You stayed by my side through thick and thin, and you… you cared when no one else did. When I didn't care about myself."

"Dean…" Sam whispers. "I had no idea. I would've stayed if you had just told me."

"That's exactly why I couldn't tell you," Dean says. "I couldn't hold you back. My life… there wasn't really a whole lot of potential. But you got into college. And you were smart. You had your shit together; you were gonna be happy. Look, I know I tease you for being a nerd a lot, but, um… I guess I was just jealous, you know? See, you were capable of building a life for yourself. And it hurt to know I would never have that. But just because I'm hopeless doesn't mean I have to take you down with me," Dean says. He smiles, but there's no happiness in it.

"Why do you do that?" Sam asks angrily. His brother frowns in confusion, and the younger Winchester keeps going. "You always sacrifice your own well being for me. Do you think that's what I want? Do you think I want to live in ignorance while you're struggling? Do you think I want you to keep all that to yourself? Do you think I like watching you destroy yourself when you think like this?" He's shouting at this point. "I wish you could see yourself the way I do. Because this? This hatred of yourself? It's not healthy. And you don't deserve it. Just like you didn't deserve what Dad did to you." His voice gets small now, and in that moment it hurts how much he seems like the innocent child he never got the chance to be. "Sometimes you act like you only exist for my benefit. If you get stabbed and I get a paper cut, you're the one asking if I'm okay. You have a life of your own, Dean. and I want you to live it."

"I can't just forget, Sam. You have no idea how much I wish I could, but I just can't. I can't forget Hell, and I can't forget Dad. And I can't forget this, how I feel right now. What no one ever tells you about the pit is that it's not just the pain they throw at you, it's the hopelessness you feel when you think you'll never escape. But, Sammy, I still feel it. And up here, it's almost worse. At least when I was in Hell, no one expected me to be okay."

"I don't expect you to be okay. Not after everything you've been through. I just want to help you try. You're not a lost cause, Dean. I know you think you are, but you're not. Just… please tell me when you're feeling like this, okay? I won't read the books unless I really need to, but I need to know when you're hurt."

"Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"Is there hope for me, even still?"

"Dean, there always was. You just didn't see it. Like I said, I'm not expecting you to be happy all of a sudden. I just want to show you that you do have a chance. No matter what Dad, demons, or anyone else- you included- say."

/AN Does anyone have any requests? If so, please leave it in the reviews! (Also, please tell me if you think I should add some other characters for the next chapter) I hope you liked it!/