Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals
Chapter 26: Fun in 2041
Beginning AN:
Well, here it is. And yep, this is continuing the formula of HUC's last two chapters: Short anti-climax followed by a flash-foreward epilogue. But things will be handled a bit differently.
Disclaimer: The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert teenagers and one badass furry... guy... thing. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!
(2012)
Dave sighed, looking at an empty spot on the couch in the treehouse. Futurama was on and several of the Crew members were watching it.
"They did it. They finally did it. On his birthday, John moved out and Jade's with them. I'm gonna miss those two."
"It's kind of sad that they never really got to interact with everybody..." Said Meulin. "Like Gamzee I think, for instance. I couldn't really see their ship compatability."
Gamzee himself just slumped over on the couch spot (that John and Jade usually sit in) and kind of ruined the moment.
CHAPTER XXVI.
(John and Jade)
"WHEW!" John said, getting out of the car and rolling his head around his neck. "Wow, that was a long drive. But we're here. Say hi to our new home in Detroit."
"Hi new home! And happy birthday John!" Jade joked as she also got out of the car. "So... what should we do now? Sight-see? Get insurance?"
"How does wild crazy sex sould to you?"
"Good!"
Jean and Jude also stepped out of the car and looked really uncomfortable.
(2013)
"Wow!" Nepeta cheered, lying in bed naked. "I'll never get tired of John no longer being around here. MMMM! All that making out, and no whining from him about 'being related.' What do you think?"
Meulin, Netimp, and Yeulin were all cuddled around her, equally naked. "YEP!" "Yep." "Mmm hmm." They respectively said.
"What about you guys?" Nepeta turned, and the camera zoomed out to show a big pile-up of all the descendant trolls, sweaty and exhausted.
"AS I ALWAYS SAY I THINK YOU ARE TRYING TO KILL US!" Karkat yelled. "WOW THEY WEREN'T KIDDING WHEN THEY SAID OLIVEBLOODS ARE ANIMALS IN BED!"
There was a beeping sound. Nepeta sighed, then got out of bed.
"Another mission- oh wait. It's another message from Rose. Yeah, John and Jade called and wanted to invite us to their wedding. But seriously, these missions are kind of interfering with my important stuff. Pretty soon I think I might disband from the Rainbow Crew."
(Same Year, Same Day (Let's just say March 14th))
A nude Disciple lied along another bed with Huntress lying over her. "So was it good for all of you too?" She asked.
Again, there was a big pileup of the exhausted ancestors.
Beep.
"Hey look!" Said Huntress, "John and Jade invited us to their wedding tomorrow!"
(Again)
The eight naked guardians on the other hand were having a more mundane time. They were all relaxing in their bed.
"Oh my lads," Said Pa, "My daughter is finally marrying your son Beth! And Rose says that... they were invited before us... huh." He shrugged. "Well, we're also invited, so let's go there."
And then we get to the other humans (and their counterparts), who have also done the orgy thing.
"Yeah, we're invited." Said Dirk. "To John and Jade's wedding."
"I dunno." Said Roxy, looking odd. "Seems kind of dickish that they mostly leave for a year, have very little ties to us, then invite us to come to them."
"It's in Vegas."
"Okay count me in!"
"Oh, me too." Said Calliope because I didn't want her to be all alone and stuff.
(A Little Bit Before)
"Goddammit we haven't actually planned for a wedding date, have we?" Asked John. "Even though you proposed to me back in high school."
"No..."
"Well then, it should be tomorrow!"
"Can it be a Vegas wedding? It's boring here and I think earning up money again will make it worth it."
"Mmmm... okay."
John leaned over in bed and looked over at Jean and Jude, who were still in their pajamas and kind of just staring at the ceiling. "Do you two want to join?"
They both gave a dismissing wave.
"Ok."
"We need to... think things through a little, first." Said Jean. "I mean, agreeing to come with you was an easy choise to make, but... not getting involved in foursomes."
The leprechauns were also invited, and we first see them huffing uncomfortably in a big naked pile.
"JESUS SHIT CANS THAT COULD HAVE KILLED US!" Itchy cried. "DON'T EVER TRY THAT AGAIN!"
"Ok." Cans replied.
"Hey guys," Crowbar flipped through a little screen. "Rose says that John and Jade are inviting us to their wedding."
(The Pre-Wedding)
"JADE!" John cried, running to the changing room.
"What?" She asked, turning back quickly.
"...Nothing. Dave said that if I saw you before the wedding in your dress, it's bad luck. I wanted to make a bet with him."
"Okay. You know according to Clover, the only real bad luck habit that we're familiar with is the one with the black cat crossing your path."
John peeked his head out, and glared at Nepeta resting against the wall.
"...What?" Nepeta asked.
(Wedding)
"If anyone does not agree with these two getting married, speak now or forever hold your piece."
"WAIT!" Someone burst through the door. It was Andrew Hussie! "I have some very important test results that you should REALLY know about!"
John and Jade both stared down the aisle and looked at him. "What?" Asked John.
"Okay... you don't have a parasite in your stomach. That aching feeling was just your recent diet changes to a more vegetable-based diet."
"Really John?" Asked Dave, "And I thought I was paranoid in the past."
"Hey!" Jade cried. "Why did you assume that was for John! It was... um, for me."
Nepeta and Netimp were repeatedly scribbling in their respective journals, which they've marked with a 1 and 2 respectively.
John and Jade kissed and had that flower-throw thing and everything was all and good.
(July 13th, 2026)
Rose sighed as another car drove away from the treehouse.
"Well, bye Dirk." She said with a wave. "I mean, it makes sense that the ancestors would be the first of us to leave since they're, like, scattered and stuff. But I didn't think we would disband so... quickly."
"...SO THIS MEANS I'M THE LEADER OF THE RAINBOW CREW FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER?" Karkat asked. "AND MY COUNTERPART IS ONE OF MANY THAT LEFT! YIPEE!"
Yeah, let's just say for convenience that the Rainbow Crew was down to Rose, Dave, Karkat, Jane, Jake, Roxy, Equius, Nepeta, Meulin, Porsiv, Damara, and Cronus.
"I'm perplexed about the remainders myself." Equius said, "I mean, I still live here because it gives a great test of my strength, but there is no longer a deep need for us anymore."
"Yeah," Said Damara, counting off her fingers as she smoked a joint (kind of hypocritical since early on in the fic it's revealed that she tried to get Doc Scratch caught for doing the same thing), "HRG count keeps getting lower, all the mysteries are being solved, we're getting a bunch of knockoff groups so we don't even really stick out as new or influential anymore... oh yeah, and it might piss you off everytime we say this, but Hecksing does a good job kicking badguy ass. In fact, we're so not needed... goodbye."
Damara herself stood up, pulled out a suitcase she hid under the couch, and walked out.
"Yeah man, even the interns are quitting on us." Porsiv said, inhaling Damara's second-hand-smoke. "Ya just gotta admit it dudette. It'll be better for us all if we're doing other things."
"But... no!" Cried Rose, "Why does that group led by a damn drunk rockstar of all groups get to be the juggernaut in fighting villainy? Why can't we show our colors anymore! Ugh, Jake, give me some motivation!"
Jake's eyes darted around the treehouse's main room. Nothing. He came up completely blank, and Rose's incessant stare in his face not helping.
"I'm... sorry Rose."
Nepeta slid into the main room, flipping a phone up.
"Yep! The people behind technology only care about finding new ways to annoy you with a phone and making you look younger! Thankfully I don't mind, more money for me and Netimp who are working on more of the important things, also don't you just love this app that lets you draw 3D images and let you play around with them on this background! Oh, and if you throw in these cat noises..."
She noticed the whole Crew was looking over at her.
"Oh... you're serious again. Well, I still don't side with Netimp. I might stick around Chicago for a few more years."
"Not siding with Netimp is not saying much." Said Rose. "He basically just went 'fuck you guys, you're cool but I'm not staying with you.'"
(November 9th, 2038)
The trio that was the entirety of the remaining Rainbow Crew were walking along the sidewalks. And they saw where Scratch's appartment/the Felt Tower used to be. A Starbucks had long since grown to another popular hot spot in that area.
Rose, Dave, and Nepeta stopped their walk.
"Why am I feeling slightly nostalgic about that place I hated it fighting there was awful it took us way too long to kill him why am I so sad that there's just a Starbucks?"
"You just haven't realized that this was stupid." Dave shrugged. "You just need to realize... what you've outgrown and everything. In fact, I can't think of anything and we've discontinued our merch after not selling it that much anymore... Rose I know this is the last thing you wanna hear, but... well..."
He started walking away.
"I'm out. Gotta move to NYC anyway."
"Wow... Dave mocking you..." Nepeta said. "That's a weird flip. It would be a lot funnier if the Rainbow Crew wasn't the Rainbow Duo."
Some man in a suit ran past Dave but he just shook the suit-man off as a weirdo (even though Dave himself looked weirder with his bandage outfit) then to Nepeta.
"Oh my god, you're still part of them." He told the pair. Nepeta and Rose both turned to him.
"What?" Asked Rose.
"Wait." Nepeta paused. "Are you... Lewis?"
"Yesyesyesyes! And Nepeta, you made me change my life around! I'm now a CEO of Starbucks, and I... I'm sorry, but I'm still kind of nuts for the Rainbow Crew. So I stopped stalking you but I did buy all of your merchendise. After you hit me... it made me re-evaluate my life. I worked hard and studied."
"I'm sorry Lewis, but I still hate you."
"I-I-I-I don't want to be forgiven. I just... wanted to say thanks. That's all."
Rose sighed. "Figures. The good fans leave, and all that's left are the weirdos who make porn of us."
"You're... welcome?" Nepeta tilted her head. "By the way you of all people should know that I don't feel comfortable talking to CEOs."
"Yeah, sure, I'm going away now."
He ran away.
Nepeta began patting Rose's shoulder.
"Throw a reunion party."
"Huh?" Rose asked.
"A reunion party that's also big and distant to encourage more of us to come! Like, our thirtieth anniversary! It's coming up! Um... better idea! Valentine's Day of 2041! Until then, find out what you want to do since everyone's taken up all of our crimefighting lately!"
"Good idea." Rose said. "Thanks."
"Don't mention it. You know I hate it when my friends are miserable. It is really hard letting go. I should know that more than anyone else..."
"What does that mean?"
"I'll explain it at the party. Well," she walked off and winked to Rose. "See you in two years and three months!"
Dave came back and walked past Rose in the other direction.
"Sorry, I forgot I left my stuff at the treehouse. I thought I packed that up in my new house already."
"Somewhere in Illinois?"
"No, in New York. That's why I stay over so much."
(December 31st, 2040)
Rose took a final look around the treehouse's main room. Everything was off. There were no Pikmin working on anything. All expansions were complete. There was just one light admist the night, coming from Rose's laptop. It showed a Pesterchum chumproll. All users were offline, except one. arsenicCatnip.
AC: :33 good news!
AC: :33 the whole band will be back!
- arscenicCatnip [AC] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 11:58 PM -
Then she logged out. And Rose logged out. Shut down. Blackness.
Rose went down the elevator to get to the base of the tree with a beer can in her hand, walking along the grass to see some countdown crowd cheering down.
"TEN! NINE! EIGHT! SEVEN! SIX! FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!"
Rose took a drink when they cheered "HAPPY NEW YEAR," looked at the "For Sale" sign by the treehouse, and began walking away.
(So by Valentine's Day 2041...)
This will be divided into two parts and this part covers the other characters who aren't part of the Rainbow Crew.
Hecksing became a band, but if you read HUC first you would have known that already.
The guy the Crew first saw at Hawaii was still there, only ever since the events of chapter 3 he wasn't paralyzed anymore.
Daisy retired a bit and lived life and as explorer while her son (whose name was Ricky I guess, just made it up now) took up her role as the new inn-runner.
Link modernized and replaced Epona with a motorcycle. He's on some BS journeys and stuff but that's his duity. He also still had that rivalry with Ichigo, though Ichigo is dead. Disrespectful, man.
The hacker ninja guys from chapters 5, 7, and 20 were now working for some top-secret anti-American war thing I guess. PS I forgot to mention they did break out of the things the Nintendo Devs put them in that's why they re-appeared in chapter 20 they were the same team. Plus Nintendo obviously wasn't invited to the party they had a lot more other things to do than join some weird team I didn't mention it in chapter 24 because it seemed obvious.
Owen was the president of 2024. He ran half a term, because in 2026 he died of natural causes.
The Bulborbs are just an ordinary animal race. PS the Shipperworm was, in fact, killed when Eridan initally died. He also possessed Eridan shortly after Meulin's quest.
The Rainbow Sisters mostly retired from being assholes around 2013, though by 2030 they found this jackass feminist white knight who was the kind that thought that women needed extra special treatment and be coddled and stuff. So they argued with him, and obvious breaks aside that argument is still going to this day.
The liquor store owner eventually got another job: Hosting Another Fucking Reality Show. Yes, that's the name of the show.
The other guys, the environmental workers, just kept with their job. Nothing special there.
The guy Cronus raced (who wasn't invited because Hank didn't like wreckless drivers and he just wasn't honestly important) was actually a loving father of two. Cronus nearly hit a family man with a blue shell. What an ass. But thankfully he had long developed from that!
Happy Ending Guy got his happy ending, he married one of the dancers the Crew encountered in China and now they have a good life in Mexico.
I'm grouping the Pikmin here since they were actually more antagonists than protagonists if anything (chapters 9 and 10): Um yeah they continued being Pikmin, carrying stuff around and everything. And yes, there was a branch of them that was also Hecksing's new guards, but to settle things no they were not tied to the Rainbow Crew's interns at all.
The Onions continued being Onions.
The dancers kind of moved on to do other things. Do I really have to explain everyone here?
The cul-de-sac kids moved on with their lives, moved out, and split up like the Rainbow Crew. Though before any of the other nine moved away, the Kanker Sisters mysteriously vanished. And took Jonny's Plank with them.
The snow fortress guys eventually made the fortress cool enough to blow up an enemy force attack.
Mega Man was a Super Smash Bros fighter, which I predicted back in HUC. Um, Samus and Snake lived a neat life as a battle couple fighting crime too I guess.
Tony Hawk continued doing sports.
I don't know if Steven Universe is going to shit all over this but Connie eventually became a badass leader against the evil Anti-Spiral army. Yes, they exist in this world too. But not anymore. Because Connie killed them all.
Naruto became president - hey according to the stuff about the manga that part I predicted too!
I DID say in HUC that Ichigo was fighting ghosts - you can fight ghosts while you're still a ghost! Ha!
Luffy was again just doing pirate things.
Noah became a fellow scientist who STARTED to work with Jade for a really short amount of time, then Jade went off as you'll see below and Noah went on his own. They sorta (Noah had to complete the research solo) did some pretty awesome stuff like cure cancer and find out why people think grossout shows are funny.
The guys with all the halves were just regular generic citizens. Nothing to see here.
Stan, Kyle, and Kenny... I don't know they weren't really planned to be that big of characters. Let's just say that fitting with the themes they also moved from South Park and got grittier, more 'realistic' lives or something boring like that.
Dracula became a big business since he added porno options to his magic store and that sold really really well.
I forgot what I said about Giant David Hasselhoff but it's basically the same thing in HUC.
The xenomorphs just lived ordinary lives. Again, boring. It would be racist if them being different alien species would mean that they had to have something weird happen.
The lusii were left to look after other trolls, as I think this is lusus tradition.
Doomguy once went to Red Hell in 2033 and fought through terrible demons just to punch the ghost of Jaws in the face. Other than that he was just a regular soldier guy who also went to space sometimes.
The haters who were gonna hate got their wish about the Rainbow Crew disbanding. Unluckily for them, a lot more of the similar stuff cropped up and it was clear that the RC wasn't just a fad but also causing a lot of shitty immitators. Well, sort of about getting their wish. One of the haters who were gonna hate died in a skateboarding accident in 2029, the other became a high-working charcoal salesman out of delierious spite or something. Then he quickly became like regional manager or something.
The Spartan Squad was still travelling through time and kicking ass. Because time travel is a lot more involved for them than it is for other characters, it's a bit harder to pin-point a definite 'end.'
Futurama ended back in 2013 with the episode 'Meanwhile.' And that was it. The cast went on to go on other shows but they weren't nearly as popular as the phenominal success that was that god beam of light.
Howard went to space again in 2017 when suddenly those blue tentacle aliens we saw from the end of one BBT episode came and attacked. With one heroic move, Howard killed them but died in a heroic blaze himself. The aliens would not be tasting human flesh, not today, not ever. Bernadette and Raj were really awkward about that after that, and had a lot of ship-teasing.
I'll cover Sheldon himself later, but he and Amy got increasingly distant and all breakup-y. Same with Leonard and Penny. By 2027, Penny became happily married to Zack, and ended up as the star of Yet Another Fucking Marvel Movie (that was also the movie's name, this is like Homestuck canon where things start to get uncreative with titles). Three years after that, Amy married a dumbass jock and learned how to link up the human mind with computers, if temporarly and not that freaky singularity thing. Leonard got with another phsycisist who was also a spy.
Uncle Grandfather died of old age back in 2011 two days after the Crew freed everybody from Scratch's trap on the Hank mecha. Gerald was on a quest to get awesome hair but after getting attacked a lot by a bear he just kind of gave up and bough a wig. Young Man opened up and hosted a kareoke bar. Background catgirl and the two topless women started one of the many Rainbow Crew knockoffs and were, specifically, a band. Catman just kept his job at a convenience store.
Bobby became a student of Nepeta's, specifically looking for stuff from her journal for some reason. Peggy was arrested back in 2015 after thinking she became the queen of Canada and attacking the real prime minister after a mis-translation since she can't speak French. After being released, something similar happened in Cuba in 2030. Except she's still arrested now. Luanne finally escaped from her hillbilly life and won the Nobel Prize for discovering cold fusion in 2031. Dale kept looking after conspiracies, Bill kept being pathetic, and Boomhauer kept sleeping around though he did once have a sixsome with five different women who lived in completely different continents. That was his all-time high.
Lewis, as said above, stopped perving after the Rainbow Crew but still held nostalgic ties to them and was really sad when they broke up. He keeps all the merch he bought in a colection room with perservatives so that it won't go away, but he has become the CEO of Starbucks by 2041.
Again, all the dead characters stayed dead.
Brenda and Sheldon were the last two Sages alive back in chapter 25, and that still remained true. Now, briefly leaving "epilogue mode" (we'll get back there in the next segment), they were all standing on top of a Chicago building, watching that scene of Rose walking away from the old treehouse. The ghosts of Rose (Quartz), Alucard, Kamina, and Hank were all there with them. All six of them were wearing Kamina shades of the Sage-element color. This meant that Kamina was wearing orange Kamina shades over his regular orange Kamina shades.
"Always watching out for the night... always. That's how the we Sages role." Said Sheldon, who by this point was probably slightly old looking since he doesn't believe in the cosmetics of this time. But he did believe in healthy science stuff or whatever.
"Always." Brenda nodded, not appearing to physically age. That's not exactly a future thing, or even a PHF thing, that's a her thing.
"Well, it looks like that's it for the Rainbow Crew as a Crew. All in all, it was a good run. If you don't count the thirty years where they had very little to do and kept declining in number count."
"I know."
"Well, I guess that's it. Let's find some other location to watch over."
"Or we could get back to our jobs again."
"Nah, on second thought, I like being a Sage. Let's look into the night a little longer. I hate still having a physics job schedule and everything."
"That suits you."
Rose's ghost sighed. "Just be blessful you're still alive. You get to experience this beauty first-hand..." Then she faded away.
"Unleesh heck, my friends. Unleesh heck." Alucard said before fading too.
"Hey, if you two see them, give the 360 my support. I still look up to them. Simon too, okay?" Said Kamina, also fading.
Hank's words before fading were "And don't forget... both of you, propane is a better grilling source than charcoal..."
Brenda took off the shades and stared at them, then began walking.
"Where are you going?" Asked Sheldon.
"Civilian life." She answered, before flying off with her Sage powers.
Sheldon shrugged, then got on one knee as he overlooked the city.
"I'm Batmaaaaan..." He joked to himself.
Over the years Sheldon became more confortable being a Sage, until like you've seen now, he was playing a superhero.
Brenda became a genealogist who also secretly fought crime, but rarely did the Sage thing that often. She was also a part-time physicist or something.
(By VD 2041, Ex-Members of the Rainbow Crew)
First of all, like Brenda all of the guardians and ancestors still look hot they're not old or anything ew. Heck if this were an animated movie say they looked like themselves from before all these time skips.
Fuchsian did manage to find a way to revive the fuchsiablood race, and she willingly gave up her lead over Alternia and instead got to Alternia's first ever Cobaltblood ruler (who wasn't any character we've seen just some generic person). Not Rustblood because that would just be racism in the other direction and not making a point. Alternia became a democracy but that's just mentioned along with her since it's not really a specific character that can be described as above. Fuchsian currently lives in Alternia and is the only Rainbow Crew member to do so.
Unithorn just sort of went into London and became an expert gardener.
Scalper did something different related to heads: He's a US army barber, loyal and considered kind of important. He kept the title to scare potential assholes.
Gearbone went to the Amazon to study on preserving rainforests and the environment. He built a ton of mecha and the like to do that, in addition to ordinary robots of course. But mostly mecha since mecha are cool.
Karmagal was still a superheroine. Um, she just got better at fighting and stuff.
Sk8oardr got a deal with Tony Hawk and now they both tour the world as cool skating partners. Also as I promised this still meant Tony Hawk continued sports, I just didn't want to spoil one of the RC member's things here.
Medicman kept the title since it was convenient and fit, but she was no longer partnered with Karmagal. She instead... well, continued being a doctor. Being a doctor is already epilogue-level shit anyway. I will say right now that none of the jadebloods in the Rainbow Crew regained their powers.
Huntress became the most successful porn star ever. She now lives in a huge mansion out in Hawaii.
Vocalist created a petition that actually fucking worked. Namely, it was for un-banning shitty copyright infringing stuff as long as they're dealed with the original company and sold as part of an "irony" movement. So stuff like all those superhero sets that included Shrek were now sold in official stores.
Electric now tours around space and stuff, using his own faster than light travel method that he invented back in 2017 in honor of preventing what happened to Howard Wolowitz.
Inflamed created a new form of entertainment, a hybrid between board games and video games. It was fucking awesome.
Succubus now owns a slaughter house.
Condesce also dropped anything negative towards Fuchsian and did not want to rule over the trolls. She started to work hard in water-related sporting events to become an olympic champion.
Dualscar was now treasure-hunting in the sea part-time (when he's not an accountant) with Dolorosa. They both enjoyed it in a lovey-dovey way.
Highblood got a better job. A really better one. He became a tough cop. Insert a bunch of cop movie cliches here I guess, complete with a partner he doesn't like at first.
Darkleer now works with propane powered robots. They're cleaner and even more efficient. PS his old job was just making robotic parts or something I think. He wasn't an executioner or even pretending to be one I forgot to mention that in chapter 12.
Mindfang obviously wasn't a virgin anymore. She's no longer quite a therapist but she does give couples intimate advice.
Dolorosa, again, was enjoying the treasure hunting. She got a carreer in song writing, and became the next Justin Bieber (not that their songs were the same, just that a lot of people make fun of her and her music).
Disciple was still a model, and got more and more explicit until she too became a porn star. She was the second-most successful porn star in the world. Behind Huntress. The video of the two of them doing it was the most viewed video of anything (more than Gundam Style!) even though it's biologically incest. Maybe BECAUSE it was biologically incest? :O
Signless changed his title to Signfull after finding out about the bullshit. He still bullshitted his way as a fake psychic, though this is impressive since in the HHC world there are real psychics (Aradia see chapter 1, as distant as that feels right now). The "signfull" meaning he supposedly looks at a person's signs.
Ψiioniic became like those kung fu mentors, but with psychic powers and not kung fu.
Summoner still plays around and yet he's now for protecting animal crulty. But he's not PETA those guys are lying assholes. He runs an organic mart.
Handmaid didn't change her title she instead just became an actual maid for convenience. She's currently the maid of David Hasslehoff.
Dad stopped doing creepy trolling to his son Dirk and lived on in the shadows as a weird movie maker. He of course kept a strange friend group.
Sis still anaylzes stuff, and occasionally partners up with Mindfang. She published some books but they didn't sell woth a shit. Steven King she wasn't.
Ma became a ninja. Or, I guess, an American spy. She was really good at it.
Pop was a top actor and the next Nick Cage.
Bro made a line of popular puppet weirdos. This got really popular and he got really rich off of it. Well, richer than before.
Mom became a better book-seller than Sis by accident. She just noticed Sis's writings and went "Let's see what I can do" and wrote some random shit and that sold well.
Pa hosted a hunting reality show.
Nan ran an amazing bakery and stuff.
Mannah ran a Las Vegas casino, getting rich as a result.
Cromie though a lot about her life back as Cronus and became a worker at the DMV. Now people kind of hate her but for a different reason: They hate DMVs. She became not bad at quadrants, in fact she was a bit of a playgirl herself.
Kursis became a researcher of the supernatural, as well as a ghost fighter, to try to make up for her original dealing with the Waterwraith.
Haerus worked as a professional racer. She was also her own pit crew.
Aramin just became an ordinary and somewhat boring librarian. Boring.
Latlin was now an aimless researcher of danger and looked around volcanos for strange dangerous stuff. He also invented a sport called lava surfing, which is exactly what is sounds like and pretty badass. But he also held out dorky designs and stuff and this kind of embarassed Latula when she saw it on the naws.
Porsiv ran a marajuana store after that became legal.
Yeulin naturally ended up as a top-notch and amazing detective. He cracked even the identity of Jack the Ripper, that's right centuries after he died. JACK THE RIPPER TURNED OUT TO BE... just some guy.
Kiriki was tricked into working for the air force. She thought it was going to be something cool like working on ships but she just became a janitor.
Mitchl worked a nine to five job at Stickteck. That place mentioned in King of the Hill. She became pretty good at managing sexual harassment.
Rufiye became a pretty neat confident principle. Lots of pervy students drew pervy pictures of her because of her huge assets.
Domoni turned his life around just a little bit and became an odd football player. Mostly inspired by a weird obsession with John, maybe subconciously not over the breakup yet.
Fefian stopped trying to bring down Feferi's image and began running as an honest politician. He got elected mayor of Peach Creek.
Erdini started a ripoff of Deadliest Catch. Said ripoff was pretty successful.
Gamsis worked in a soda factory. Obviously a faygo one.
Equisa designed robo-coating mecha-like items that let you run faster than light. In other words, yet another new custom FTL method.
Virkso started a band. He even temporarly teamed with Hecksing but that really didn't work out well.
Tezlom just studied up and became a lawyer. He tried to one-up to be a judge but that failed horribly.
Kanayo put a lot of soul into an occasional vampire action novel, but they were seen as average at best. Then he just pumped out some random romance shit and that became a best-seller. He still kept his by-then job as a fry cook, since he loved that for some reason.
Netimp continued filling out his split to the journal, and working with Nepeta to help keep that stasis of the universe, and the former Rainbow Crew, safe. He didn't need a job: He became self-reliant and did absolutely everything.
Karkta became someone's secretary, and used her powers to... file stuff? I'm not completely sure what a secretary even is.
Sliiou designed a series of amazing first person shooters. People bitched that this Bullets of Battle series was too repetetive and didn't do innovation every level, but she stopped caring since it earned her a lot of money.
Tavass worked at a farm. No, she wasn't the 'cow,' but she was an expert at working with them, seeing how much she related to parts of them.
Ardion was in charge with high-tier libraries keeping anchient texts and books preserved. He was also a part-time transcriber. Since, and this wasn't some sublte hidden thing I just made it up(A) right now aftering thinking about how much sense it made, Ardion looked at the past while Aradia looked at the future.
Dian was mostly inseperable from Dirk. More on that later.
Rory became a bar tender, which for some reason really helped him get over his alcoholism.
Jaky worked in part of a suicide prevention hotline.
Joan became a pro-wrestler, and a scary one at that.
Dove worked as a rapper. Her raps were short, yet still extremely popular. One of her songs was just two verses yet it was a highly-watched video on Youtube. In fact, the most highly-watched video on Youtube, since the Huntress/Disciple thing was only on there for three seconds before being taken down.
Ross competed with Rose in writing deconstructive works. Eventually he got to working on some kind of deconstructive cartoon series, which perplexed Rose to no end.
Jude kind of moved away from John and Jade after a while but he still works with them and Jean on their TV show. More on that during John and Jade's parts.
Again, Jean also moved out but compared to Jude she talks to John and Jade a lot more often. She's also a co-star of John and Jade's show.
Meenah gave up on her plans to thwart the Rainbow Crew again that was hinted at back in chapter 8, mostly because I admitedly had no idea where to go with that idea. She instead focused on redeeming herself by becoming a jail guard near the Grand Canyon.
Cronus became a professional hotel critic. Mostly thanks to that creepy one he was in in Alternia in chapter 19.
Kurloz straightened up and became a pretty normal cashier.
Horuss perfected and re-built the horse mech (oh yeah, that. I know I said that the guardians and ancestors planned to blow up the Felt Tower, but Scratch came back with fury and got the mech to eat the bomb they had planned, which blew up the mecha and left them without a bomb. Scratch also re-blew up the new bridge that the first gen built, explaining why Calliope re-created that rainbow bridge from Ocarina of Time or rather giving her an excuse to do that), made a bit of a living selling mechanical parts and the like, and settled over in Washington to mostly do his weird things by himself.
Aranea amusingly took up more of an interest in selling spy and defensive equipment after Vriska's weird stunt to her. It earned her a surprising amount of cash.
Latula had outgrew being rad, unlike Latlin growing into it (see another opposite thing), and instead directed her interests towards being a comic book artist. She eventually drew the comic Yet Another Fucking Marvel Movie (yes it was still called movie even though it was a comic), which would become the movie that, again, Penny would star in.
Porrim rage-quitted activism once some SJWs broke into a calm meeting she made and pulled a fire alarm because she said that she told people not to hate men. She runs a tattoo place in Hollywood still hosting equality-related tattoos but still gets angry if you mention that to her. Especially if they argue that they were in the right to pull the alarm.
Meulin, in memory of Horuss (as friends he didn't die offscreen or anything that would be stupid), entered the horse-mounted sports. Then while training her horse accidentally broke an underground oil well. This made her rich (remember the Rainbow Crew's cash from their sexy stuff was ONLY USED FOR things for the Crew as a whole) and she moved to Bell Air and now doesn't have to work for the rest of her life. But she still does specialize in making apps, and got even more rich when she made the new hit internet thing like basically a new Fakebook.
Kankri became a blood-splatter analysist in Florida and tracked down killers. No, he didn't start killing them in secret. He's not Dexter Morgan.
Mituna became a photographer, specifically for sexy callendars. Despite his pervy atittude he took some damn good shots. He also directed the porno between Huntress and Disciple, which is fucked up since he's like the biological nephew to both of them.
Rufioh ironically got an actor role as Peter Pan for some new movie thing. He thought it was going to just be a single 2020 hit but then it got sequel after sequel and by 2041 he's still doing them. It's starting to frustrate him a bit because he was contractually oblaged to do it.
Damara started off as a prostitute but in 2025 she heard of what Rufioh was doing and chose to change things around a little. She now has a happy life with four husbands, one wife, and a dog (not for fucking but as a pet. You weirdos) and was the only one in the family who was jobless yet did all the house work.
Feferi worked at SeaWorld in Florida. Then in 2030 PETA blew it up at night and almost killed her since, as a nocternal troll, she took the night shift. This left her jobless, but she did get another job in the form being a traveling stage magician, shamelessly ripping the idea from Eridan.
Eridan himself was both a science and magic researcher. He got his own bout of money from discovering that you could somehow combine both of them perfectly, leading to a weird energy thing that made for a good weapon and definitely outclassed the nuke. (Of course thanks to the alien technology in this world there was already nuke-outclassing, but that's becides the point. I just wanted a relatable comparison.)
Gamzee became a birthday clown. Boring. EXCEPT that was by day. By night, he was the Dexter guy, sneaking around and killing criminals. Turns out he still had a bit of Rainbow Crew in him hunting badguys and even a few HRGs.
Equius became a Texas college golf coach. His teams were always State winners and won lots of medals.
Vriska finally got to live out her life long dream: Becoming a professional figure skater.
Terezi had lived out in the woods, mostly just inviting people over, and moved to a slightly different part of Chicago. She too was self-reliant and mostly seen as a weirdo, though she still does kick the ass of any villain who steps in.
Kanaya became a fashion designer. Yay.
Just like her "twin brother," Nepeta filled out her own split of the journal with more discoveries and lived a self-reliant life, once again gaining and losing friends. Except it was more friends than Netimp, who was a bit more sheltered. Mostly because he was still a bit of an asshole to them. Nepeta also managed to stop getting Netimp to basically ruin her image. By accident, at least. And yes, all those times Netimp rudely blurted out what Nepeta was pretty much thinking was by accident.
Karkat had no idea what to do in his life until he became a commercial success by crafting a massive and tasty new sandwhich. He became a hit thanks to that.
Sollux was awarded as a national hero in 2021 (yes one year before 2022 it's not fitting Sollux's theme on purpose because I like mixing it up, he even pointed this out when he thought at some point that something cool was gonna happen to him again or even more so because it's 2022) by ending a war via only hacking into the enemy country's terminal. Said country was Vatican City, and yes that is a country. The smallest in the world.
Tavros started taking after Inflamed a bit and made a neat new cardgame. Its popularity fell a bit by 2035 because people were exploiting certain cheap cards a bit, but it was still enough to pay his bills and give him an OK two-story house.
Aradia, after researching more on the Sages in general and Kamina specifically, decided to look more into the future and started running a business about piloting mecha in wartime. Then she fought in the wars themselves, became an inspirational war hero, and great figure in general. She got a codename thanks to her RC outfit: The Ghost of Tommorow.
As mentioned before, Dian was doing whatever it was Dirk was doing. And Dirk and Dian were both coding a lot of robotics stuff. This included sentient dating sims, chat clients obsessed with puppet ass, and living virus drones.
Roxy basically became the cat version of the Dog Whisperer. I don't know. You can tell that I've basically ran out of ideas since I did the whole (ex-)Rainbow Crew section, since I've just been listing job after job for most of them and not so much things that happen to them. I didn't even think of, like, kids and spouses for almost all of them so you're basically free to imagine whoever they had or whatever if I didn't already say that this character did this like I did with Damara.
Jake actually went with Aradia's old goal of archeology. He eventually turned into some kind of weird green-skinned Indiana Jones.
Jane managed a love hotel, which was supposed to be ironic because she's helping couples while feeling alone inside but she's not alone inside at all.
In 2040 Dave found a conspiracy that was actually true: It turns out that there really was a Santa, who was evil and secretly the real main reason why the ozone layer was depleting. Dave killed him and was awarded the key to the city. What city? Gravity Falls Oregon, he followed the conspiracies there.
As detailed above Rose clung on to staying in the Rainbow Crew until New Years Day 2040, where she finally stopped living in denial and gave up. Also covered above, she still competes with Ross about writing books that are "deconstructive."
Jade is still happily married to John with a loving 496 daughters and zero sons. No, that's not a typo they had a shitload of babies. She, John, Jude, and Jean also star on this show called John, Jade, Jean, and Jude: The Mis-Edventures based on an anchient video game Ed, Edd n' Eddy: The Mis-Edventures. It's a commerical success. Jade herself also still kept researching physics and stuff but as a hobby, and as mentioned before teammed up with Noah. Their kids' bullshit made it hard for her and him to focus on their own goal which is a lesson for readers to BUY. FUCKING. CONDOMS.
I know it's tradition to save the best for last, but there's really nothing I can say about John that wasn't already covered in Jade's section. The two of them still live together in Detroit and everything.
Oh yeah, almost forgot Calliope (but who doesn't when it's not a fan fic where she's with the Jane or Roxy, LOL?). Um, she became a pro artist I guess and Hank Hill was not happy about that but who cares since Hank's dead.
(February 13th, 2041)
"Okay!" Said John to his kids, "Margaret! Luanne! Stop kicking things over! Bessy, stop fighting Caitlin! Ugh... Gina, we're leaving a day early for Rose's reunion party, named 'Fun in 2041,' and I picked you over any babysitter since you know these ladies more than anyone else."
"Ahem." Said Jade.
"...I thought I mentioned you by implication! And me!"
Gina was the oldest of John and Jade's kids. She was named after Geno.
"Now I warn you that Candy started some nudist rebellion thing... she took a lot of the younger ones under her wing to start running around naked, don't be disturbed." John said as he handed Gina the fifty thousand dollars it'll take to watch over so many kids (yes some have gone older and moved out but definitely not all of them, remember they're still having more).
"Okay." Gina nodded. "And I'm still gonna get my name changed. Geno was an asshole."
"Go ahead! You've moved out by now, I can't stop you and neither can Jade!"
John and Jade got into a car and drove in the general direction of Chicago.
"Boy, I'm glad I'm not pregnant." Jade said. "Because I can finally do this."
She drank a whole bottle of alcohol.
"What happened to keeping brain cells and research?" John asked.
"Hobbies aren't always permanent. And I need drinks sometimes."
"But let's knock that off aside! It's a vacation sort of!"
Jade sighed as she smiled. "Yeah, it is."
They held hands. Even though John was still driving.
"Thanks, buddy." Jade said.
(February 14th, 2041)
Near-sunset. Nobody was wearing their Rainbow Crew outfits anymore instead they were in normal clothes. Well, Nepeta and Netimp were still nude, because they liked being naked. This took place in a special building by that park where Kanaya was first making out with Edward in chapter 1, as over the thirty years this was built there.
"Hello... hello." Said Rose, still sounding a bit saddened. "As you may know, I'm one of the few who stayed in Chicago, just moving to another residency after leaving the treehouse for good. And I invite you to the grand Rainbow Crew reunion. Most of you stopped using Pesterchum and Trollian to contact me but..."
Her head went down and she sniffed.
"Where's John and Jade?" Dave asked. "I thought they would get here, like, before almost everybody else. They seemed organized and everything."
Some other people were there too. Carl, Seras, Rip, and the Captain beamed over there after a particularly embarassing thing that you'll find out more about in Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals. Then there's former President former Mayor Quimby, their leader and guides of sorts, who was invited too. Mostly because I think this is the last surviving HUC character who hasn't appeared on HHC yet.
"I heard they were making some kind of grand kissing entrance." Equius said. "Uh, I'm in on that."
Oh. Forgot to mention(B). Equius also invented the firework arrow. Okay, that's everything, now let's get ready for the last leg of this story:
BUT FIRST someone with a creepyish looking wolf head went in carrying a sack of money!
"I AM WOLFHEAD THE GREAT! I am not part of any HRG but I do hope to be someday! Now, die!" He also threw a bomb that had lingering gas that got rid of everyone's clothes, just so that I could do the gag of making the whole Crew naked one last time.
Most of the Crew smirked.
"Just like old times?" Asked Rose.
"Just like old times." Answered Dave.
Wolfhead then shot Quimby, sending him off one of the cliff-edges of this large pit thing. Yes, the park lately got this huge hole blown in it from one of the Rainbow Crew's final fights. Long story. Not important. What is important is that looking out from it would now look kind of like looking out from a large mountain thing, which would be cool.
"ER A UM, FUCK I'M GONNA DIE AGAIN!" He shouted, before the bullet killed him since it was anti-vampire.
"I'll familiarize him." Carl said, about to fly over before a giant lion beast came out, at him, then started flying away.
"Well fuck that."
Nepeta just snuck up on Wolfhead and stabbed him through the back. She crossed her arms.
"Don't fool around. If you want to fight crime, fine. Just don't be cocky about it."
This was when Equius came in, riding a horse triumphantly while John and Jade made their appearance too and ran over towards the cliff area. Yeah the bomb still lingered and got rid of John and Jade's clothes.
"Since everyone is here again, but at the same time moved on... there's something I feel like I should say." Nepeta said. "I'll keep it short since this is more like John and Jade's spotlight, but it's my backstory. You see, back when I was 6 (years not sweeps I still think troll society is a joke after Troll Empress took over; so I'm sticking with the... actually Canadian system when I can) I had this small but tight group of friends. One of my friends had a parent that worked in some kind of clothing line? Turned out that they were really some kind of clothe... monster things named kamui. They went wild and killed almost everyone on sight. I was the only survivor. They refused to kill me and only me, and I found out that this was because some other counterpart of Meulin or something from a different plain of existance used a highly advanced, forbidden code that roughly linked my life - and Disciple's and Netimp's - to a show in yet another existencial plane. That's why I can slowly heal even from fatal wounds. The killings were why I came to hate clothes, and after that I didn't want any of my friends to be so powerless against anything. This is where the journal of the dangerous came in. And my plans. I tried to be 'fodder'-like on purpose so that spies and the like wouldn't see me as a threat, and faked the whole rant I did back in the snow fort mission. You know, about where I was told that I couldn't change my fate. I already knew I could. That sort of drew emotion from the past where it felt like I couldn't so it was kind of true though... and... I only became really active when I found out that my past methods weren't working and you stated dying. I just... didn't want to lose another friend group. Well, that's all, cheers to everyone, and happy birthday to me. And maybe Netimp depending on if you count when I was born or when we played the Ballad of Duality."
"...What do you mean your 'past methods?'" Asked Karkat.
"You'll probably find out. Or you could maybe just ask Netimp."
The rest of the former Rainbow Crew was all lined up and all ready to watch John and Jade's cool little meeting up in the sunset. Equius fired the firework arrow. Just as the sun disappeared over the horizon, John and Jade leaned in and hugged. Then Hank's ghost briefly appeared.
"I'm so proud of you... daddy." He said with a yaoi face before vanishing. Then he ghostly trailed off, "No I wasn't watching you or anything I promise that's the only time I'll visit you like this and yes Heaven does have strict orders about stalking others Hell doesn't because you're not supposed to leave in ghost form anyway!" And John looked disturbed.
John and Jade did one last final kiss, while the firework exploded into a heart shape. Stars started flickering on and the night city lit up.
The lone winter of Chicago. The night of February 14th, 2041. There were lots of sounds that echoed through the city. Like cars, down the streets. Guns, down the allys. People shouting "FUCK" down the offices because their jobs sucked. And kissing in the park. Yep, this was still the city of love.
"I love you, Jade." John said.
Jade replied with a smile. "I love you too."
Footnotes:
A: Yep. That's true in an out-universe sense too. In a way.
B: That too.
Closing AN:
Boy, this was not how I thought this finale would turn out. Strangely, while writing it it did not feel like an end. Even though this is likely the last major fan fic in the Crconikals verse to focus on this particular timeline, and chronologically it goes a few hours past the end of HUC, it still feels more like it, and the season as a whole, is an ad for the upcoming Housestuck: The Split.
Final Thoughts:
Thus ends the three year journey that is Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals. And no, this is not a reference to the canon three year trip. You should have probably figured out by now just from this alone that I normally don't reference canon for the sake of referencing canon.
Speaking of Act 6, first of all I'm surprised that this started and ended while Act 6 was still in progress. Second of all, as you might be able to tell from season six, at some point the canon story just wasn't doing it for me. Despite what HHC as a whole might imply with the gigantic polygamy thing, or how long season six was ('cuz seven seasons and seven acts... might give off the vibe I'm about to describe), I have no problems with the romance part or the length. It was mostly the plot twists. Petty things, admitedly, like glitching being a canonical plot device (that also apparantly didn't do ) since I found it to be a bit of a fan fiction cliche. Or the suddenly higher focus on the Cherubim after we only knew tiny tidbits of Lord English, since unlike the trolls these guys were just very a blatant and kinda bland "good vs evil" plot. Or God Tiering being handed out like candy. On non-petty things, don't even get me started on the introduction of the ret conning thing, which pretty much cheapens every aspect of the story... Because of this I also have no problem with the hiatuses. It means I can take a break and not worry about canon drastically fucking up something of the story. Plus it's kind of dumb to criticise something based on hiatuses, since they become moot the second they end and never matter again. And I do believe in critiquing a work as a whole, which means not based on how fast new installments are popped out. But yeah this might explain a sudden mood change for the last legs of the story.
"But what about the stuff with Rip and the RC?" "You shoved Nepeta's backstory at the last second!" "Blah blah blah other thing I 'forgot.'" Honestly, like HUC, I might have screwed myself over when it came to formatting this. Which is embarassing because a major point of this was to get around HUC's linear "fight Millennium" plot and introduce a bunch of side things. Sadly, somewhere around season four I actually wanted to "genuinely" develop the world and the characters, leading to a bunch of concepts and cliff hangers that always fall backwards in comparison to the general monster of the chapter. Another issue is that I felt I spent too much time "building up the Crew" and not enough putting their "later upgrades" into action. It took a whole arc introducing the A1 trolls (in my defense the first season was originally written before they were all revealed, but then again, it was a whole are to introducing just twelve characters while both chapters 13 and 14 do that much quicker and 16 does that with an even bigger number), the guardians/ancestors were actually hinted at not existing until well into the halfway mark (though, honestly, they weren't planned to be in the story at first. I might say more on that later, through Tumblr) depending on what order you read the season four chapters in, the counterparts weren't introduced until well after halfway chapter-number-wise, Karkat didn't get his shield until chapter 17 despite the hype for it, and Rose didn't get the Portal Rock until 20 and it wasn't used much. Then there's things that were barely if ever used like John and Jade's fire/ice powers. Again, the monster of the week was on a tangent compared to the Crew's new abilities and members (except for the A1 trolls), a lot of these weren't expanded on... normally I don't think it would matter how late a character gets their abilities as long as it's not either right at the end or it's just used as an afterthought. And HHC's developments feel more like the former. So much was underused, mainly because so much was overused. (Looking at you, Ichigo Katanas. I should have scrapped that whole part alltogether...) So... yep, they will all be hooks for Housestuck: The Split. And don't worry, I'll try working HTS's stuff into HHC/HUC/HTD's timeline.
"So Fan/GPF/whatever I'll call you, if you made up stuff about the ancestors of the Alpha Trolls, will they stay that way?" First off, don't use the alpha/beta distinction. It's confusing because there's also an alpha/doomed timeline distinction. Calliope conned A1, etc and that's a bit better. HHC calls them Alphas asa joke. Anyway, that bit of arrogance aside, I have a few things planned. If they use similar titles to the ancestors in A2, I'll leave them all the same. If they're all distinct and something that sounds "neutral" (EG not themed after Lord English or anything like that, but instead titles about Alternia) I'll probably change them retroactively, maybe even redesign a bit of them. Just note that I have a few ideas in store. It will be hard to edit the past chapters to change them, though, since I've grown attatched to a lot of the designs I gave them. (Also, I genuinely think that Meulin's ancestor is in fact titled Huntress, and that's the only one I'm hoping is canon.)
Relatedly, Housestuck: The Split won't even be written (though I already do have ideas on what each chapter will be about, if at very beginning planning stages, and the main plot's probably going to be set in stone) until either those guys are all finally revealed somehow or, in case it doesn't happen in canon but instead through some supplementary material (which is becoming increasingly likely), the end of Homestuck canon, that's when I'll start up drafts and consider dates and the like. I just want a break from this for now. "This" meaning Crconikals as a whole, and to a lesser extent maybe Homestuck fanworks.
Though I'll still probably touch up Hecksing: The Dawn a little over this long break.
What's next? Probably some stupid stuff related to King of the Hill. I think I'd like to switch to shorter, stupid stories that aren't part of the SBIG series outright and not loaded with typoes and the like.
Final final thought: At some point I decided to make this something of an attempt to "fix" what I don't like about Sweet Jade and Hella John. Though this note has dragged on long enough (even by Final Thoughts standards) and I'm not too sure how to put why exactly (at least not without giving away HTS spoilers), so I'll just end with this: HHC is basically like an "upgraded" SJAHJ of sorts.
THE END.
She held up a coin, both sides heads but one of them was scratched. "This isn't a normal coin. Normal coins will almost always land on one side in a given timeline, as mostly the decisions are the only things that can actually make a timeline split, like if you knowingly disobey what you know about the pesent. But this is a special Quantum Coin. When flipped, there is a high change that it will make an alternate timeline in of itself where it lands on the other side. Now, heads, we leave, scratch, we stay."
It was scratch. Terezi chuckled a little and shut off the time portal.
"Now what?" Rose asked.
"NOW WHAT? It means we don't have to worry about fulfilling a loop, and we can do whatever we want!"
"Ooh, ooh!" Cried Roxy, "I have a suggestion! Um... all first gens... listen to this song:"
Up, left, up, right, right, A, down, A.