"People are all over the world telling their one dramatic story and how their life has turned into getting over this one event. Now their lives are more about the past than their future."
Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters
Clarke insists but Abby declines her offer to attend the arrival of the grounders' delegations by her side every single time. The doctor likes to think of Clarke's invitation as an honor, which it is, but she also knows a deeper meaning is attached to it. The truth is Clarke would give anything to not be left alone to trade or meddle with the Grounder tribes but her pleas always go unanswered. The absence that hurts the most is always Bellamy's though; after the years filled with every kind of adventure they had shared, Clarke and Bellamy had almost become one and only person. They both could complete each other's sentences, know what the other was thinking just by barely looking at them... Being side by side, to lead side by side, had become as natural to Clarke as breathing; in fact, sometimes breathing would get difficult while Bellamy's presence at her side was always calming and comforting. They would always stand together but for anything related to the grounders; Bellamy had gotten over his hatred for them a long time ago and had developed very good relationships with the clans and even some significant bonds with some of their members but when it came to something official, he just liked to disappear. Clarke would tell him to stand by her side, as always, and lead together but he would stubbornly refuse.
As far as he was concerned, he was a leader to his people, but only a respected warrior to the grounders, which, in a warrior culture as theirs, should have been considered a great honor, but Clarke knew how much he hated that title. Every time he was labeled as a great warrior, it reminded him of every single person he had killed to survive and protect his people; it reminded him of the worst part of him, so he let Clarke deal with it because, as he would always say, he was a warrior in their eyes but she was their Heda. So as the first delegation approaches, Clarke stands alone at the gate, waiting for her visitors. She looks around, hoping to see Bellamy standing in some corner but there is no sight of him. It is her birthday, she realizes, and she still hasn't seen him, which is strange, since he is the first person she normally sees everyday, and unsettling. The appearance of the Forest Nation stops her train of thoughts and she salutes the ones that had welcomed her all those years ago, when she had left Bellamy standing alone, facing the consequences of her own acts. That's when it occurs to her that maybe it is fair she has to do this on her own, a simple gesture courtesy of Karma.
-Whaneda.
The Forest nation's guard bows in front of her and, for a brief second, she wants to puke. She had hoped that little nickname of theirs would go always with time but its use only spread. She would always be Whaneda to them, even to the people that had found her in the forest, hungry, cold and dirty, desperate for some human heat. They had not recognized her at the time and she had been forever grateful. At first she had feared for her life but, as soon as she could show them she was a healer, they had welcomed her among them without questions. She had thought the few words of trigedasleng she had known would be enough but soon discovered that every grounder tribe had their own dialect. They also had their own culture, their own habits; some of the tribes had even developed art. She had understood then, as a Forest nation's healer, that things were in no way as simple as they had first believed they were.
She smiles at the guard -a face she had met back then- and silently thanks him and his people one more time. When Clarke had left Camp JaJa, it had been because she simply could not handle it. The guilt had been too much. She hadn't know who she was and she couldn't handle her mother's face looking at her as a monster she couldn't recognize anymore. She couldn't bear Octavia's penetrating gaze, judging her every single second. She couldn't handle imagining all the others discovering what she had done at Ton DC and looking at her as her mother had. Most of all, she couldn't stomach Bellamy's reaction upon discovering she had left his sister to die. He had offered her forgiveness but he had not known what he was forgiving her for. She would never forget the look he had given her when, some months later, she had told him the truth about that episode of her life. There had been hatred in his eyes, a fury she should have been afraid of but, most of all, there had been disappointment and at the time Clarke could not afford disappointing the only person she trusted. The Forest nation had been her escape, a place to not be Clarke and neither Whaneda, a place to discover a new person, half way between the two, a person named Afya. That's how she had stopped being Clarke, The 100's thinker, and Whaneda, the destroyer of worlds, to become Afya, the one who heals. That's who she had wanted to keep being for the rest of her life; it would never had been enough but Clarke had hoped that to devote the rest of her life to healing people would balance how much time she had dedicated to kill them. The Ground, of course, had other plans waiting for her.
-Clarke, kom Utopiakru, it's always a pleasure.
Adilia's voice reaches her ears but, for a moment, all Clarke can do is look into those blue pools that are almost identical to Lexa's. The grounders believe in reincarnation and, since the day she met Adilia, so does Clarke, at least sometimes. Apart from the eyes they look nothing alike; Adilia is taller, her features sweeter and her hair a vivid tone of red but there's something about her, an aura, that reminds her so much of Lexa it hurts. Every time she sees her, she is transported back to one of the nights that had changed her life.
Clarke had been living with the Forest Nation for three months when a known voice resonated through her tent.
-Clarke kom skaikru, long time not to see.
Clarke had breathed in and out for a few seconds, hoping the voice would vanish. She had hoped, with every fiber in her being, to turn around and find only emptiness but it had been a long time since her wishes got granted. Lexa was standing in front of her, proud, as if she had nothing to feel guilty for. Lexa: the one who had kissed her, the one she had handed over Finn to, the one she had trusted, the one who had betrayed her leaving to die in that mountain the people she had cared the most about. I should kill her, was the first thing Clarke had thought upon seeing her but she wasn't that far gone yet. She didn't kill until she found it absolutely necessary. She didn't kill for revenge.
-What are you doing here?
Lexa had approached her, in awe of the painting that now decorated her once angelical face. Clarke had taken a step back, signaling she didn't want to be touched.
-So you're one of ours now.
The words had hit her as a thousand knifes and then some more would have. Had she become one of them? Had she become one of the persons her friends were terrified of? Had she become the enemy? Then the real question, the one that had been running through her head on a loop since Mount Weather, came back to hit her with full force: had she become Lexa? When she had met the Heda, she had felt identified. She had felt understood. With Bellamy in the mountain, she had been left to lead alone. At the time she had taken pride in being like Lexa, she had felt herself complete by her side and it had gotten to her head. She had refused to listen to anybody else, she had assumed a leadership that did not belong to her in a unilateral way and it had brought her fall. What had she become? Whaneda, destroyer of worlds. Being Lexa had stopped bringing joy; it had been then a curse she would have given anything to get rid of.
-What do you want? How dare you after what you did?
-I did what I had to do to protect my people.
The words had hurt Clarke deeper than she had ever thought they would. A part of her, a tiny one, had hoped Lexa would realize how wrong she had been but that would never happen because the truth, the cold and heartless truth, was that Lexa would never regret her decision. In fact, and Clarke knew it perfectly, she would have done it again without a moment of hesitation.
-You could have protected them by fighting.
-The causalities would have been too elevated. Why go to war and let blood run when I can avoid it? You freed your people anyway. You defeated the Mountain.
Clarke had snorted. Lexa had said those words as if defeating the Mountain should be something to be proud of. How could anyone be proud of eliminating people? How could anyone be proud of assassinating innocent children? People who had helped hers to get out of there alive? If there was something left of humanity in her, Clarke had decided, that would be it. She would always keep the guilt of her crimes. It was the very least she could do.
-Have you any idea of how many innocent persons I killed?
A flash of Bellamy's face had distracted her when uttering those words. "We", she had corrected herself mentally, "we killed." And yet it would never be the same because he had not had a choice. He had done his job inside the Mountain. He had been the brave hero who puts his life at peril to save others and succeeds. It had been her decisions, and only them, that had put him in the position to pull that level and she would never let him bear the weight she had owned on her own. He had carried enough of his own weight since the beginning.
-Have you any idea of how many people they would have keep on killing if you had not stopped them?
-Apparently you didn't care that much, since it wouldn't have been your people. Cut the crap, Lexa.
-What crap?
-You crap; your whole "love is weakness" and "some things have to be done." I bought it once and look where it took me. Never again.
Lexa had looked at her with something in her eyes akin to sadness for a few seconds, her mask of fearless leader in place soon enough.
-I've tracked you and come here for a reason. I need your help, Whaneda.
Clarke had cringed at the word. She had heard the legends and tales of Whaneda, she had felt sick every single time.
-Do you not dare call me that.
-That's who you are now. You can hide in the Forest all you want, it won't matter. No one escapes identity. I am Heda of my people, you are Whaneda and I need your help.
-And why in hell would I help you? You should be content I have not killed you by now.
-For the greater good, that is why. Helping me is helping everyone.
-And why would that be?
-The alliance between the clans broke a week ago. The Forest Nation's emissaries should arrive with the news anytime now.
Clarke had swallowed and closed her eyes. The break of the alliance could only mean one thing: war.
-Why?
-You very well know why. This is a warrior culture and many believe my decision at Mount Weather was dishonorable.
-They don't believe you worthy of leading them.
-Some don't, other have simply seen the opportunity to gain the power I hold.
Clarke had shrugged before looking directly into Lexa's eyes.
-Well, I can't really say I disagree. Can I? Maybe we would all be better without you as a leader. I'd prefer someone reliable.
-If we go to war, we will all loose, your people too. If you think I'm evil, wait to meet others. Before I built the alliance, this was hell on Earth: a constant war.
-They'll find someone else to lead.
-They will fight each other to lead. You don't want to discover what happens when power falls in the wrong hands.
In the end she had followed Lexa, for the greater good. The war had exploded nonetheless and the following months had been a nightmare.
-Adilia, I am honored by your visit.
The young leader looks around camp, impressed by what she sees.
-It is impressive how much your camp has thrived, Clarke.
She wants to correct Adilia because it's been a long time since anything was Clarke's alone, now it's always "our" camp or "our" anything else. Sometimes Clarke has to wonder how is it still possible for Bellamy and her to still have two bodies and be functional when they are apart. She doesn't though because she knows that to the grounders Bellamy would never be a leader, but a warrior.
-Yes, time has been kind to us.
-Always so modest, Clarke.
-We owe it to you in part, don't we? You're holding the alliance together; every tribe speaks wonders of you.
-I don't do much; I've chosen to let each tribe live by its own rules. I only ask of them to keep peace. It's easier that way.
The implications of Adilia's words are not lost on Clarke. She remembers the hatred of other tribes towards Lexa, their complaints about her trying to impose some of her people's rules and culture among others. At the time Clarke had thought that grounders only fought for land but in the end, their fights had not been that much different from the ones featuring in the Ark's storybooks. They also fought for their freedom to speak a language, the right to their own laws or their political independence. Lexa had been too ambitious.
-You do well. We chose correctly.
-It's funny though, when you chose me, I didn't want the job.
-Smart girl, nobody who actually knows what it's like to lead actually wants to lead.
-I wasn't given a choice though.
-None of us was given much of a choice back then.
The war had been going on for a year when it came to a stop. The Ice Nation's queen, who first had been the precious ally of the Sky people and other tribes, had gone mad. She would stop at nothing to reach the power of leading the twelve clans, not even at the always-higher number of victims. Things had been blocked for months. Lexa's people and her allies were resisting in Polis but time was running against them. That was when Lexa made the choice that would change everything.
She had called Clarke, by then something more than a forced ally, in her tent. Clarke had known right away. She could feel it in her bones.
-It is time.
-It is not.
Lexa had looked at her sadly before taking her cold hand into hers.
-There is nothing left to do. I made a decision at Mount Weather to protect my people, and I will assume the consequences.
-Lexa, the Ice Nation's queen will be sanguinary.
-That's exactly why. If the war stops now, there is still a chance she won't be chosen.
-She could impose herself through military strength.
-Against eleven clans? Not a chance.
-What are you suggesting?
-To solve the original problem. There is only one thing blocking the way to peace and it is I.
-Lexa...
-As long as I am Heda, they won't stop but if they can choose a new leader, one they trust, they will.
-So make a declaration. Surrender yourself.
-Clarke, a Heda cannot surrender. A Heda cannot stop being one but through death.
Clarke had looked at her, pain and betrayal written all over her face.
-Don't ask me that.
-With me dead, you'll be able to choose. You're good at politics; you'll find a way.
-I'm not killing you.
-Then I'll have someone else doing it. It's a shame though; I would prefer you to be the one.
Clarke had shook, tears streaming down her face. Lexa had approached her and caressed her cheek.
-It was never going to be forever anyways.
-How do you know that?
-I just do it and so do you. You've never forgiven me Mount Weather anyway, and you never will. Thank you though Clarke.
-For what? Leading you to death?
-Leading me to death? Oh no, that was all me. Thank you for giving me the chance to love again and remind me that love doesn't have to be weakness. It also can be strength.
-It's being weakness right now.
-No, it's not. Your love for me will make you bring the right person to power. You won't let my death go to waste because you love me. That is strength.
-I'll be alone.
-That's unfair. You've never been alone, Clarke. Your people have always been there. You just didn't want to admit their love because you felt unworthy.
-Stop.
-Look at me Clarke; I am not your Costia. It is love, but it's not that one love.
Clarke had looked at Lexa and understood. It had not made it any less painful.
-There is no choice. You have to do what's best. Victory stands behind sacrifice. It is now my turn.
-I know.
-Keep on loving, Clarke kom skaikru. You'll find the one. In fact, we both know you already have.
The rest of that memory felt like a repeat of the worst day of her life, a cruel prank life had put her through.
-It's in the past though, now we enjoy peace.
-We do.
-Where do you put our present to you?
-Oh, that wasn't necessary. Go over there and put it with the others. We'll have a ceremony soon, when I have received representation of every clan.
-Very well.
As Adilia leaves her side, Clarke's eyes are glued to Bellamy's form, standing by the gate. It's the first time she sees him today and she is so absorbed by him that it takes her a few seconds to realize he's talking to Echo. They are both close enough so their bodies touch, relaxed smiles etched on their faces and for a moment Clarke has the impression to be contemplating an image of the past.
"A man does what he must - in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures - and that is the basis of all human morality."
Winston S. Churchill
Note: Dear readers, that was basically the last of Lexa. I know you are impatient to get to the Bellarke part which will start in the next chapter. I ask of you to be patient though, this is turning out to be a complicated narrative.
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