Chapter 18

Natalie wasn't going to permit herself to say life had somehow gotten a little easier for her, because that would only allow room for things to once again get much, much worse. But she could hardly deny to herself that breathing came a little easier than before in the day and by nightfall, falling asleep came quicker than it ever had before. Which was a miracle on it's own since insomnia was a bad proven habit of hers since she was a child.

There wasn't just one soul reason for the lighter burden she carried and the skip in her step. First was Trevor; since her confession to something along the lines of a crush, Trevor had noticeably hung around much more. She had stuck to her word that she wanted to wait to jump back into bed with him. He didn't seem entirely bothered either, she wasn't his only card in the deck, after all. The weeks before they started screwing once again, it was still easy to be around each other outside of when they had work.

She was one of the few women in Sandy Shores that wasn't strung out on a myriad of narcotics, so could hold a conversation for more than a few minutes. She was also one of the few mostly sober residents that could stand to be around Trevor, whether it was because of his activities or just the general look and feel about him. In any case, she was the perfect local candidate for a shared drink and to waste spare time with.

Second came Avery. Despite a moral part of her trying its best to convince her it was wrong, she still continued to see him. They had dates nearly every weekend, their dates were never very serious, mostly a restaurant or a bar or even a movie was their venue of choice, often choosing places where they could get their hands on a stiff drink. In between the times hanging out together, they were often exchanging texts and the occasional phone call. Despite them running around like lovestruck teens, Natalie couldn't say she was smitten. Avery first off was just a great guy to be around, the fact that he was attractive was an added bonus.

She put that attractiveness to use on date four. After a full day together exploring the swamplands west of Sandy Shores, they returned to his place out towards wine country. His home was small and surprisingly nice for someone his age, but his job as an IT tech for a major company paid him better than most. Natalie spent little time admiring his home furnishings before she found herself in his room and in his bed.

The brunette had made it a point not to knock boots with him as quickly as she usually did, sex recently seeming to bring dire consequences for whatever reason. But by week four, she had a personal new record and didn't want him to think she just wasn't that into him, when in fact, she surprisingly was more 'into' him than she expected.

The only thing that seemed to be a problem that still lingered in her head was just how far their mutual feelings went. She knew by then that she cared for him beyond that of a one-night-stand or just a friend of a friend, and she was sure that wasn't one-sided. They were approaching date seven this coming weekend and most people would begin to think about what could become of the person they'd been seeing for the past month and a half.

Avery seemed pretty much like most people, which began to worry her. Commitment wasn't her strong suit or something she ever had much of a desire for, especially when it came to total monogamy in a relationship. But above all that, what concerned her the most was that an actual committed relationship with Avery wasn't a terrifying idea as it usually would be. In reality, having him all to herself was actually a pleasant idea. Despite that, the idea still made her squirm where she stood purely out of old habit.

But she could only do what she'd always done, ignore it until she just couldn't ignore it anymore. She had the concept practically down to a science by then.

–

He asked for their seventh date to be at the bar they had their first date at. She marked it down as a place where they could be sentimental, a good place to propose a more one-on-one kind of relationship. She was the first to arrive like she had been the first time they arrived, but this time around she chose a space closer to the bartenders, knowing she would need a steady flow of alcohol to get through the night.

Avery came around not long after, finding his seat beside her and ordering his drink. He soon turned to her, a smile on his face, very pleased to see her and she turned out to be just as pleased to see him, "Hey."

She did her best to look unaware of what was bound to come, and by the looks of it, he bought it, "Hey yourself."

His drink came in record time, giving her a few precious seconds before he said what she'd been fearing, "I've been meaning to talk to you about something."

She washed down the lump in her throat, "Yeah?"

He rubbed his head, his hair looking a little neater than usual, in fact, most his appearance looking a little cleaner. He was trying to score points, this must be serious, "Well, I was offered a job a few days ago, pays much better than I'm getting..."

She was lost, prompting him to continue "Okay...?"

He cleared his throat and kept glancing at almost everything but her, he was nervous. She couldn't help but find it endearing, "Well, this job, it's kinda far away. Like, a couple hours far away. I would have to move."

She felt herself frown, surprised to find she would miss him.

Avery continued before she had a chance to speak, "Look, I know it would be a huge step and I'll give you all the time you'd need, but I was hoping, maybe, you could move in with me when I accept the job?"

She froze up for a moment, her jaw nearly dropping. She expected a request to take things to the next step, but he instead asked to jump a few steps after that. She hadn't been prepared coming into the bar and now she felt even more so. The look on his face turned from something of childish hope to pessimistic worry as the seconds ticked on with no response coming out of her.

She felt bad for leaving him hanging like that, seeming him slowly lose hope. But if she could only center her brain for one second to actually weigh any of her options options without ending up in a panic, she could give him an answer.

"I..." She dropped off, prying for something to say but coming up short, she hated being put on the spot like that, even when she knew something like that was coming. Natalie had to respond, she knew that much. But as of now, the only decision she could possibly make was to make no decision at all, "Give me time to think about it alright?"

His shoulders slumped a little, deflated. It wasn't the answer he had hoped would come out of her, but it was a hell of a lot better than just a no. So he put back on a smile, though it looked a little forced, and she returned the smile with a sympathetic one. She couldn't help but take a mental sigh of relief, glad she had more time to think about his request and think about just him in general. Leaving the important decisions for another day, she sipped her drink and looked back at him, "So tell me about your new job."

–

Natalie was alone in her home, the TV on but playing on mute, everything in her home filled to the brim with an eerie, near deafening silence. She paid no attention to the stark quiet anyways, her thoughts only on Avery and what he had offered. What he had to offer was domestication; a warm home to come home to after a long day at a decently paying job, being greeted by a man who would welcome her with open arms and kiss. But what she saw in all this was a form of hell, a life for the mundane, where people's hopes and dreams went to die in preference of safety and an assurance of a long life.

Nat held no desire for a long life if said life promised nothing she had wanted for so long. She didn't want safety and assurance if that didn't provide her what she would consider adventure. She wanted to explore the world and the many facets of what the moral majority would consider a sinful taboo, whether it be drugs or other hidden pleasures loved by the few. She had gotten a taste of that since meeting Trevor, and despite the impending doom that made it's rounds in her life, she felt she could go further in her career.

But at the same time, her goals brought with them fear, and even though her wants still remained, she wasn't sure if she could stand another time where she'd be held captive by Trevor's enemies. Her time with The Lost was something that never faded away from her nightmares. The terror that she felt for it she still carried in her nub of a finger and it would never truly leave her, she couldn't possibly forget the horror and pain that they tortured her with for a week. And maybe, that, and that alone was as good enough a reason as any other to leave Sandy Shores and what she had craved behind and go off with Avery.

But leaving would be hard even still. She had grown roots in Blaine county, found friendship with Trevor and his associates, found a mother she never had in Janet, and a home she was proud of whether it was behind the bar at The Yellow Jack Inn or the confines of her double-wide trailer. She loved Sandy Shores, and even though she knew she would want to part with it in the future for the exotic worlds, she would miss it. Departing her home for one in a suburb was never in the plan, but with Avery in tow, it didn't seem all too bad.

She looked over at the clock, the day was approaching evening and Trevor would be home by then. She was due to deliver her inventory summary and had been putting it off most the day so she could see her boss. She was hoping to get some kind of insight from him, or perhaps a reason to stay and make her decision a hell of a lot easier. Knowing Trevor, that wasn't going to really happen, nevertheless, she could at least try.

She walked over to his trailer instead of driving, arriving there already having worked up a sweat from the relentless heat. She entered without knocking as was customary by then. She found Trevor with Ron. Trevor sitting on the couch, trying to drink himself into a coma which was a pleasant surprise compared to him usually finding his oblivion in meth. Ron was pacing across the entire trailer, prattling on and on about lizard people invading and trying to swipe the rug right from under TPI's metaphorical feet.

Natalie handed over the file in her hands to Trevor, who barely even looked at it before tossing the folder to the side. Inventory was boring and that's why he paid someone else to do what he would rather not waste time doing. After all, he knew Natalie long enough to trust she wouldn't screw around with his supply.

Nat made herself welcome to his case of beer, Ron seeming almost oblivious to her presence as he continued to drone about the dreaded illuminate. He only stopped when he nearly ran right into her, looking startled to realize she was even there.

She raised a brow at him, a smile on her face, "See something you like?"

That had effectively flabbergasted him, leaving him stammering for something to say. Ron was the picture of someone who didn't have too much experience around women other than the one's inside his computer or in an old girlie magazine. She once heard he was married; it was a shame the woman didn't stick around for a charmer like him.

Trevor was the one to save him from his face turning any redder, "Ron! Don't you have something else to do?"

Ron looked back at his boss, staring for a moment to try and see what he meant. He got the hint that he wasn't wanted and departed quickly, tail between his legs.

Natalie turned back to her boss, "Do you remember be mentioning Avery?"

He raised a ragged eyebrow at him, "The dude you've been screwing?"

She nodded a little, sitting herself on top of his counter, "Yeah, he wants to take things to the next level. As in, me and him moving all the way up to Duwamps."

"That's pretty far north."

She sighed, "I know, so if I do move in with him, I can't work for you." She was trying to send him a hint there, asking him to give her a reason to stay, even demanding she stayed, so she didn't have to choose.

Natalie was given a glimmer of hope from the look on his face. What she said seemed to leave a rather bitter taste in his mouth, or perhaps it was just the beer. Either way a grimace spread across his face, "So you want to leave?"

She could almost detect a hint of defensiveness, perhaps he really didn't want her to go, "I don't know. I was hoping you could shine a light on this."

He stood up, throwing his empty bottle towards the general direction of his trash bin. He missed by a mile, "If you want to leave, then leave."

He seemed like he was done talking, the point becoming even clearer when he left his trailer without so much as a goodbye. She frowned, confused at the sudden mood change. She took her beer and tossed it into the near overflowing trash can, grabbing Trevor's discarded bottle and setting it away as well, eventually leaving the trailer.

On her way back to her own home, she still struggled with how she could possibly come up with a decision. But seeing Trevor had definitely helped. There was something between them, that much she knew from their small interaction. It brought her some relief to find that the attraction wasn't purely one sided, or at the very least, he wanted her around.

But was it still enough for her to stay? Staying in Sandy Shores and doing the jobs she was doing was often known for having a rather high mortality rate. Growing so old she couldn't wipe her own ass wasn't ideal to Natalie, but her life being cut before she really lived as much as she wanted wasn't something that was on her list either.

She took a detour. Instead of making it to her own home and chalking it up as a short trip, she ventured towards The Yellow Jack Inn. She knew Janet would be working that day, as she always worked weekday afternoons. Janet could perhaps be the best person to look at Natalie's situation without too harsh of a bias. And it had also proven awhile since she'd properly seen her adoptive mother and she was well due for a visit, at least before she made a decision that could quiet possibly make her move out of state.

The bar had a couple customers as the day was beginning to touch evening, mostly the regulars that found their solace in a stiff drink. Janet was behind the bar as Natalie expected to find her. The red head saw her the moment she walked through the doors, her face lighting up to see that Nat was alive and well, "I wondered when I was going to see you again."

Natalie grinned at the warm welcome, slipping behind the bar and hugging her old boss. Janet wrapped her arms around her, holding her there for a moment before she pulled away and got a good look at her former employee. Her smile fell a bit to see yet another scar, this one lining her cheekbone. She didn't ask where she got it because she already knew. From work.

Nat ignored the look on Janet's face, not wanting to get on the subject of her safety because it was a losing battle for the both of them. She slipped back out from behind the bar and found herself a barstool right across from her former boss, "I figured I would stop by."

Janet busied herself with pouring the younger girl a drink, "I can assume this isn't just a social call, right?"

Natalie sighed, suddenly feeling worn out. She grabbed her drink and downed half of it before she threw herself into her tale of crime and budding romance. Sparing no detail of what had happened and what she was feeling. And all in all, it felt therapeutic. She hadn't wanted to bother Trevor with the details of her feelings and hid her life of drugs from Avery and Rebecca. Janet was the only person who could truly get it, listen to her pour her heart out for her to see and do her best to help her pick up the pieces. It would be hard to leave Janet behind if she left.

When Natalie had finished and left with nothing more to speak on, Janet answered, speaking calmly to her, "You really do like him don't you?"

Natalie looked up at her, formerly looking into her glass, "Avery?"

"Trevor."

A bitterness that didn't come from her drink formed in her mouth, "Is it so obvious?"

Janet sighed, crossing her arms, "Not really, but I know you well enough to know that you don't normally have crushes. And by the looks of it, you got two big ones."

Natalie held her head and groaned, "What do I do?"

The older woman looked her over, taking pity on a poor girl who was finally feeling lovestruck well after her teen years, "Do what hurts the least, Sugar."

Natalie hated the answer, but it nevertheless got her thinking. Hurt. It didn't necessarily have to come from the turmoil of emotion. Sometimes pain was as simple as a cut, or a bullet. She was almost sure she had her answer by then.

She got up, feeling a little bit tipsy from her trip to her old workplace, but that was to be expected when you had a few. She went to hug Janet again, hearing the older woman speak again, "If you leave, make sure you give me a proper goodbye, alright?"

She smiled to her and nodded, squeezing her one last time before she departed. On her way back home just as the sun had set and the air was cooling for another cloudless night, she couldn't help but feel sentimental about nights like these that once brought her fear. These would be her last nights in Sandy Shores, after all.

She pulled out her phone and found his number, tapping the call button. Within a few seconds, she heard Avery's voice through the other line, sounding happy to hear from her, "I was just thinking about you."

"Hey, how soon can I see you?"

–

She lay naked in the back of Avery's car with Avery pressed against her, just as bare as she was. His hand gently tracing patterns along her side. Both of them soaking up the quiet calm that surrounded them, the only sound was their breathing and the faint hum of an old country crooner singing about lost love coming from the radio.

Natalie couldn't help but smile, enjoying the simple touch Avery was giving her and the silence in her head. She looked up at him, pushing the stray strands of hair away from his face. He smiled more, "You're not going to have second thoughts on me are you?"

She smiled, "I'm not planning on it, no."

He smiled right back at her, grabbing her hand and kissing her knuckles, "Good."

Natalie pulled herself closer, gently running a hand over his narrow chest. She didn't want to ruin the peace of the moment, but it had to come at some point, "I need to tell you something..."

Avery glanced down to look at her, "That doesn't sound too good. What's up?"

She sat up, breaking the lovely contact between them, "It'd be easier if I showed you. Do you mind if I drive?"

He had no reason not to agree, so he did. After some awkward shuffling between them, their day-old clothes were back on their bodies and their bodies were in the front seats. Natalie started up the engine and looked to him before she drove out of the empty parking lot they stayed at overnight, "Try to keep an open mind?"

She drove the way she was all too familiar with, stopping the car right off the side of McKenzie, a place she knew by heart. Avery was of course confused, getting out of the car with her. As they advanced towards the hangar she turned towards him, "This is where I work."

Avery looked down at her, looking rather unimpressed by one of Trevor's many base of operation, "Here?"

She took a deep breath, trying to find the will to take that leap of faith, "Yeah. I work for a guy who supplies to most of here and parts of Mexico..." She glanced his way, all this time having trouble looking at him, he was still at a loss, "More specifically, drugs and guns."

There was silence, a lot of silence. She expected it but it still filled her with fear. She stole another look at him and she saw shock and fear, but fear of a different nature than hers. He was afraid of her and she instantly regretted telling him a thing.

Natalie did her best to try to make it seem not as serious, by lying, "I hardly work with that, I just do security, I don't even touch a gun." She failed to mention a handgun was in the backpack she'd been carrying with her.

He took a step back, his hands in his hair and nearly ripping it all right off, unable to come up with a coherent sentence, "You-... How have-..."

She tried to put on the most calming voice she could, "It's not that serious, Avery. I've only been doing it a few months."

He let out a humorless snort, "Months?" He was pacing, she was biting her nails, "Jesus, are you an addict or something?!"

Nat frowned, "No! I don't touch drugs!" She insisted, but it fell on deaf ears.

"Have you killed people, Natalie?!" That shut her up quickly. And that was all the answer he needed, "You're a killer aren't you? God, is that how you lost your finger?"

She hid her hand behind her back, her voice wavering, still trying for some way to make this better, "A-Avery if you let me explain..."

He was backing up towards the car, holding his hand up to cut her off, "Don't bother. You a goddamned killer, Natalie! Did you think you could hide this?"

She certainly wished she did, but it was too late now. She watched him go towards his car, and she was facing the realization that she couldn't just let him leave.

There was a thing about loose ends, they had a tendency to bite you in the ass. It came back and got her good when they kept Evan alive and she was still waiting for the day when ditching her friends at their failed liquor heist knocked her in the head with karmic gusto. There was no doubt loose ends going to be her downfall, as they had brought down champion in her field for generations. So, while the choice was difficult, it was something she had to do to keep her living, so the action came just as quick as the choice.

She only needed to fire once, her hand steady while the rest of her felt on fire. It only took on bullet and Avery was on the ground, everything she knew about him dead and gone. Despite the pain she felt for killing her friend, she knew it was what she had to do. And while she felt crying, she didn't, only silently mourning.

It felt like hours passed as she looked down at the body of her incredibly short-term boyfriend. She tried to grasp at the good aspects of him, to prove to herself she should be more devastated about killing him. She knew wholeheartedly Avery is -was- a good person and that his passing was tragic, but she had no other choice. What if he went to the cops, it could effectively shut the entire operation down. She regretted ever bringing him there or ever thinking anyone outside of her career field would be okay with it.

She turned away, not wanting to look at him anymore. She felt sick to her stomach just by the thought of herself. She hated herself.

Natalie found she wasn't alone, Trevor was by the other side of the hangar. She didn't know how long he'd been there, but she knew it was long enough for him to know she killed Avery and made her final decision. He advanced closer, looking over the body she left behind. It was a clean kill, he would've been dead instantly, it was actually admirable how steady a shooter she was quickly becoming, though this may have been dumb luck.

Despite the pain that was clear on her face, he tried to make light of the situation, "I can't have any more bodies lying around here."

She looked up at him, "I'll get it cleaned up." Despite her looking at him, it looked like her thoughts were miles away.

He frowned, feeling something along the lines of sympathy and somewhere in that, jealousy. He could only hope that she looked the same way if she ever had to put him down like a dog, "I can let you take a few days off."

She shook her head, looking down for a moment, temporarily lost in thought before shaking her head again, that time more for herself, "No, no, I'm okay." She turned back towards the body, it somehow looking more lifeless than before, she flipped him on his back, wincing at seeing his face, permanently contorted into one of shock. Nat grabbed his wrists and lifted the top half of his body off the ground, "Give me a hand here?"

Trevor obliged, grabbing his feet. They dragged him into the trunk of the car, locking him up tight. Natalie went back into the driver's side, starting up the car, all the while looking robotic with each motion. Trevor did his best to inform her of her next action, "Head down the the Liquor Ace, Chef can take it from there."

Natalie looked to only be half listening. Staring down at the wheel, she wondered when was killing going to get easier? Trevor did it so flawlessly, she could only imagine how many oceans of blood that dirtied his hands. She wondered if she would ever be like that, kill without moral, without regret. It would almost be better than the hurt she was feeling right now.

She looked back up at Trevor, who was looking right back down at her. She saw something that looked like compassion. It made her feel a little better to know she wouldn't be alone in this. But only a little, "No ones ever going to want people like us, are they?"

She knew purely by the look of his face that he asked himself that same question too many times to count. He shook his head, tapping the top of the car, "No, they're not."