Chapter 19
No amount of showering could get off the feel of Avery's hands lingering on the edges of her skin. And she knew, she was scrubbing herself down for the eighth time in a day. She couldn't deny how horribly she missed being touched so affectionately like that, even if it had only been a short time since then. But the truth was, there wasn't much hope that it could happen again, and it brought such a bitter ache in her chest.
Natalie never thought such gentle affection could leave her feeling so breathless before. But since she had gotten her taste of it, she was left nearly shaking and wanting for more. She couldn't get it now, however, the man who didn't have to adore her body without a sexual intention was most likely in a tub of acid, the last bits of his physical form dissolving away.
What haunted her the most was his face. He had no clue what was coming and she put him down like a feral animal. She left him with no dignity, no time to let him have his final words before he was killed. She regretted killing him the second that bullet went into his head, even if she knew she couldn't have taken any chances, it still hurt to see her have to end the life of someone so innocent. He got mixed up with her and she knew better than to let him do that, but she didn't listen. And she guessed correctly before that being with her could kill him, Natalie just never imagined that she would be the one to end his life.
This whole ordeal only confirmed that Rebecca could never, ever know about what she did for a living. Better yet, Rebecca would be well off just plain not having Natalie in her life anymore. But she couldn't do that to herself, she couldn't deal with the heartache, at least not now. With Avery dying, she knew the best course of action was to avoid those who didn't kill like she did. Natalie was better off alone and that is what she was going to be.
She stepped out of the shower once again and went to the mirror just above her sink. Her naked skin was rubbed so clean it was a raw and angry red in some places. Her discoloration advanced to the bags under her eyes, she hadn't slept since, and even if it wasn't that long ago, the emotional effort she was forced to deal with left her ready to collapse onto her bed. If only she could actually sleep at a time like this.
Her hand grazed over the mark Trevor once made on her shoulder. He treated it almost as a claim to her, but looking at it now, it felt like much more than a nearly morbid carnal desire for a temporary show of ownership. The scar almost felt like a brand, something that branded her to him and the job. It committed her to a life that brought her a lot of pain and misery, but it was the only thing she had that wouldn't go away, like everything else would. She could only ever stay with her job because it was the only thing she had left.
Natalie couldn't stand to look at herself for long. She left her bathroom and found some clothes lying around on the floor. She didn't bother to check the smell, not finding it too important. After finding a pair of shoes to slip on and tucking her handgun into the waistband of her sweatpants, she was out the door.
She just couldn't be alone in her house at the moment. She hoped to find some solace and ease of mind at Trevor's home. The place wasn't particularly therapeutic, but it was her best option besides drinking herself dead. Natalie walked in unannounced, finding Trevor alone in his home, channel surfing on a TV that looked like it was on its last legs.
Trevor didn't appear to mind the intrusion, greeting her with a nod of his head and a faint smile. It was rare to find him alone for too long, usually he had something to do and the people he associated with were never too far away. She didn't think he liked being by himself very much, being alone left him to his thoughts. It was something she dreaded, she could only imagine what a torture it was for him to deal with. Maybe that was why he was so experienced in drug use, so he had something that would let him ignore the fucked up shit.
She went straight for the cabinets in his kitchen, "How much alcohol do you have?"
He turned to her, finding her more interesting than yet another rerun of Republican Space Rangers. Somehow in dirty sweats, she was still amazingly gorgeous, "Not a lot, Ron needs to go on a grocery run."
Natalie sighed, settling for an alcohol stuffed in the far back that would most likely taste like gasoline. She turned to face him, "You think you can get him to do it now?"
She hardly need to ask. Trevor began yelling at the top of his lungs to get his neighbors attention. She winced at his yelling, but remained quiet as he barked orders for Ron to get his ass into gear. He looked back to her when he was sure that his subordinate was doing as he was told. He could easily tell by the look in her eye she had a lot weighing on her mind. But he knew better than to think that she'd ever want to talk about it. Which worked in his favor because he'd rather not here about her heartache over another man.
He was jealous. He wanted Natalie to care for him like she had Avery. But it proved too late now, he had been too wrapped up in a woman who only saw him as a passing romance, and while he still wanted for her, his craving for Nat was more immediate with her not going away like everyone else had. Maybe she had intended to leave, that was the only conclusion he could draw as to why she would bring Avery to McKenzie. It gave him some kind of deep sinking feeling inside his chest to think that she had every intention to abandon him and now she was stuck in Sandy Shores, Trevor being her last resort.
Natalie didn't see his inner burden, instead interested in a bevy of various prescriptions lined up on his worn down table. She got up, grabbing a bottle of Deludamol and reading over the description. Trevor spoke up when he saw her interest, "If you plan on drinking don't take too many of those. I don't want you OD'ing on my floor."
She could remember back when she was a teen and she would take them like candy. Deludamol wasn't too hard to come by and if you avoided passing out on them, there was a pretty pleasant high to be had. She hadn't had any in awhile so she took the recommended dose for intense pain. She turned back to him when she was sure all the pills got to where she wanted, "Do you have anything coming up I can help with?"
In fact he did, he had to pick up a shipment in the coming days and he could do with a helping hand in case people started sniffing around and things got hairy. But he knew that people in the state she in was had a habit of making reckless, and frankly suicidal decisions. The last thing he needed was for either of them to get riddled with bullets, "Nothing right now, no."
She sighed and nodded, having no reason not to trust him. She sampled the bottle she picked out and gagged, right in her prediction that it would taste awful, "Alright, well, let me know."
Ron was quick to enter the door, carrying bags upon bags of various groceries that Trevor was in need of. He set most of it in the kitchen, but turning to his boss with paper bags stuffed with various drinks. He set them down in front of him, then noticing they weren't alone. He saw Natalie and jumped back a little, seeming nervous, almost scared of her. Natalie had a look that reminded most of a brooding teen. But with the prominent scar carved across her face, she looked a bit more terrifying than that. Like a force to be reckoned with, and while the aesthetic pleased Trevor, it made Nervous Ron a bit more nervous. She only stared back at him, in no mood to exchange pleasantries, but rather annoyed that he was looking at her for so long.
She grimaced, grabbing the bag, picking out the first thing she could get her hands on. She was already feeling a bit drowsy from the medication, but ignored it as she went back to the kitchen and grabbed herself a relatively clean glass while the boys talked for a short while. She didn't pay them any attention as she poured herself a drink, downing half of it within seconds. She felt the familiar burn run down her throat and took a breath before she finished up the rest.
It probably wasn't a good idea to be drinking when she was already so depressed, but the opportunity to kill off a few brains cells and hopefully memories was something she couldn't pass up. Ron left quickly when Trevor told him to screw off. She turned back to her boss when the door closed, finding him watching her. She handed over a drink she made for him, "I don't like drinking alone." She stated simply, sitting herself back down beside him.
He wasn't one to pass up a drink. Accepting it, but not downing it as vigorously as she had. He peered over at her from the brim of his glass. He hated seeing her so gloomy, it only brought back his own darker moods, "You can have that bottle of Deludamol." He thought for a second, "Just don't go crazy with it."
She gave a short laugh that held no humor, "Why would you care?" When he didn't answer she glanced over at him. There was concerned on his face, and she realized he actually would care, very much so, "Okay, I won't."
Conversation was slowing to a standstill. Natalie too wrapped up in the images of the monster she was becoming to see how much Trevor wanted her to be concerned about him. There was a long, uncomfortable silence that rested heavy between them, making his heart race and hers feeling like it was giving out. She finally cut through it with a question, something that weighed tons more than it sounded, "Was it hard when you first killed someone?"
It was a hard question to answer, because the answer, that was simple, but the explanation ran miles. He was a product of America's worst, raised on the backs of bad people who couldn't pretend to care and running with people who would gladly kill him for their next high. When he first took a life all those years ago, it was true, he felt nothing for the corpse. But only because he had been conditioned to be a killer, "No." She deflated, suddenly feeling awful for not only being a killer, but a bad killer at that, "But it's different. You're a good person."
Her frown deepened, "I don't feel like a good person."
He didn't know what to say. He had no way of proving to her that she was still a decent human being, but just wrapped up in the wrong kind of crowd. Even if he did, he didn't want to tell her that the best advice he could give her was to leave and never look back, even though she very well should. He wanted her there, because she was the only one who put up with him without fear, because she was the only one who saw him as human and not some kind of savage.
She was watching him as he waged a war on himself. She was bringing him down and it only made her feel worse. But instead of blaming herself and continuing on her inner turmoil, she wanted to touch him. More importantly, she wanted to touch him the way she wanted so desperately to be touched. But she hesitated. If she brought herself to reach out and wrap her arms around him like she wanted, was she sure that she wanted to do it because she wanted him, or just wanted a person.
She hesitated no longer, reaching to him and cupping her hand against his cheek, feeling the thick stubble. He was caught off guard, watching her warily, not sure if he should believe the intention he thought she was conveying. He felt her mouth fall on his, lips pressing against his own hard. His hands were on her in an instant, pulling her closer and spilling the remainder of her drink in the process.
She parted with him just as quickly as she kissed him, leaving them both wanting more. But she had to be sure he knew what she meant by this, that she didn't intend to just take him to bed, though if they did end up there that was fine too. But she wanted him to see that she wanted feeling, something she had once hated, but now needed. Their lips were mere millimeters away from each other, aching to kiss again, but waiting for the other to begin and relieve the tension that was crackling between them. Natalie was the one granted that relief, kissing him again and soon she found herself on his lap. His hands went under her shirt, his fingertips pressing hard into her back, sending shock waves under her skin that made her chest tighten.
They were left breathless when they parted. Searching each others faces to find more of the affection they wanted. They found what they were looking for, yet intrusions from Trevor's head came through, "You were going to leave weren't you?"
She froze for a moment, but unable to lie, "Yeah..."
Dread went through him, but he only held her tighter, leaving her barely able to move, "Don't do that again."
She had no intention to by then. She wanted a home here, after all. And she couldn't quit when things got difficult like she wanted to. Sure staying here would bring hurt, but it was going to make her stronger, she just had to survive. Being near Trevor made it all seem easier. He had it figured out after all, having millions tucked away in bank accounts, with funds and people at his disposal. But still, why was he so unhappy?
Trevor had been acting a bit off tonight. He was quieter, more vulnerable. She remembered Ron and Wade once telling her that when Trevor would huff gasoline, he wasn't entirely himself. Or perhaps he was the version of himself hidden among the jumble of drugs. They admitted they'd hardly seen him in such a state, which they were grateful for. Trevor was scary on his own, but nothing was more terrifying than watching their boss wish for death.
She didn't want him to feel like that, but he was in the throws of his high, there wasn't much of anything she could do. She had kissed him again, lips pressed hard against his. His whole body responded eagerly to hers, tensing when he felt the tip of her tongue lightly grazing his lip. They knew he wanted more than a bit of kissing, but her body was relaxing, her hands not as tight on him, her kissing turning gentle.
He pulled apart to look at her. Her eyes didn't hold much focus on his. She was high and drunk and dead tired. A smile cracked on his lips, taking pity on her despite his steadily increasing hard-on. Without another word he lifted her up, a small yelp escaping her lips, her arms wrapping around his neck tightly.
He carried her over to his bed, laying her down. She refused to let go of him however, dragging him down onto the bed with her. She held him close, their faces inches apart from each other, "Are you going to fuck me now?"
As appealing as the idea was, he had to refuse, "Maybe later, Natalie."
She accepted it, nodding slowly and burying her face into the crook of his neck, a hand slipping down to his waist, thumb gently stroking his skin. He could feel her breathing against his neck slow as she found a comfortable sleep beside him.
–
When she had woken up, she was alone in bed. She felt drowsy still and a slight headache pumping through her brain. She sat up, realizing she wasn't in her own home. With a quick look over, she saw she was still in Trevor's home. She remembered what happened last night, how everything seemed so out in the open.
It brought a smile to her face to remember how Trevor showed that he wanted her around like that. She could only hope he was in a better mood today. She got up and found he wasn't in the trailer, she grabbed her phone to see if he had sent her anything only to see that her inbox remained empty. It made her slightly nervous. She was afraid that last night had been a fluke and not to be taken seriously. But Natalie dearly wanted it to be serious, even if she just lost a relationship.
Just as she was about to leave Trevor came right through the door. Based purely on his posture, she knew he was back to his normal mood. But the way he looked at her was different, he was angry, almost hurt, "You haven't left yet?"
It took her a second to process his attitude. Taking a step back since he was so dangerously close to her, "I was just about to..." She paused, before shaking her head and gaining her composure, "Wait, what's going on?"
He pushed past her, making her stumble back a little bit. She got her courage from that, "Trevor, what the hell?!"
He turned on his heel to face her again, his eyes wild, "What the hell? What the fuck do you mean by that?"
She frowned, "Jesus Christ, Trevor. I don't even know what the fuck is going on!"
He jabbed a finger at her, "What's going on is that you thought you could use me as some rebound. Well, fuck you, Natalie. I'm not going to be your second best."
She had to pause a moment to realize everything. She had killed Avery only a short while ago, and there she was last night already trying to hop into bed with Trevor. It really did seem like she was just using him to get over her loss. And she really had to think for a second. But the answer was clear to her, it was so much more than that.
"You're not my second best. I came onto you because I like you!"
He gave out a harsh laugh, "Oh yeah, just how you liked Avery, right?"
She winced, feeling suddenly smaller, "Don't say that."
"That's it right? It's about Avery. You were gonna run off with him and you're stuck with me."
She caught a second wind, if he was going to bring up others, she could play the same game, "What about Patricia? As soon as she left, you were right back trying to fuck me. So I guess by your reasoning, I was a rebound, right?"
He was on the defensive now, "That's different."
"It's not, Trevor! Jesus, what are you so pissed off about? Are you trying to ruin this before it even starts?"
He glared, "Before what starts?"
Natalie ran a hand through her hair roughly, "God, I don't know. Something more than this! Something more than using each other for sex and pretending we don't give a fuck about each other! Trevor, I fucking care about you and I know you do too or you wouldn't be acting like this!"
He was silent, looking her over. Trying to see if she was really being honest about everything. It was hard to tell.
She continued when he didn't answer, taking a breath and speaking calmly, "Trevor, I want to know what we are."
"What we are?"
She sighed, still so annoyed with all of this, "Yes, what are we going to do now? What do you want, do you want me to leave?"
It was a question she didn't really want to ask, but it was the only one she could make. She feared Trevor's answer, because she was going out on a limb here and if he rejected her now, there was really no telling what damages could happen.
His eyes were on her, his mouth in a hard line as he fought with himself. She could see the anger slowly draining away from him. And after what felt like ages, he finally spoke, saying just one word, but it was just what she wanted, "No."
Natalie waited for him to make another outburst. When none came she took a breath, her shoulders relaxing, she hid the smile that tried its damnedest to come out, "No? Then come over here and kiss me."
He didn't need to be asked twice, thinning the space between them until his mouth was on hers again. Her back was soon on the door, taking what was now his. He parted only for a second, "If you use me I'm going to kill you."
She smirked against his mouth, her fingers digging into his back, "Shut up."