Chapter 7

Pain

"Alright Star, here is your pizza with extra mustard, mint frosting, anchovies, and cheese. Eat up!" Beastboy handed Starfire her pizza which she took hesitantly but it went unnoticed by her friends. It was movie night at the Tower and with some persuasion from Starfire, Robin and Raven participated in the event. But as much as Starfire hadn't wanted to herself, she felt as though if she didn't go then her friends would be curious about her. In fact, Starfire was surprised that they hadn't discovered her and what she did yet. She knew that she wasn't able to lie to her friends and even when she practiced on minor occasions, she felt terrible and felt as though she had to tell them the truth. There were times when one of her friends technically almost found out about her actions but Starfire would lie to them and make up an excuse about it.

Last week, Starfire had purposefully missed breakfast but Beastboy had decided to wake up earlier that morning and practically hung around her the entire morning. She didn't know why but there was something in his eyes that worried her. It wasn't the type of worry that involved his private life, but it was a type of worry that she knew involved her.

But what Starfire didn't know was that he had a feeling that there wasn't something correct about Starfire. Usually whenever Beastboy turned into a cat and cuddled her, she would smile and rub his belly and play with him. But recently, she seemed like she was half-interested. In fact, Starfire didn't seem like herself. It may have been difficult to see Starfire's changes but it was there. Beastboy was correct when he thought that Starfire was different but he let it go as if it was his crazy imagination.

"Thank you friend Cyborg. Does everyone have their pizza prepared for the movie night?" Starfire looked around to reassure herself that her friends had their food. Cyborg and Beastboy, naturally, had their own specially made pizza which involved different types of meat for Cyborg and a vegetarian pizza with tofu for Beastboy. Raven and Robin both shared a pepperoni pizza mostly because they didn't care as much about what they did. Raven usually brought her book along with her so she would be able to read during the film while Robin would be anxious to return to his work.

The only reason they both came was because of Starfire. Raven had also felt something wrong with Starfire but she repeatedly dismissed the idea. Multiple times she would consider entering Starfire's mind to see if everything was okay but she would remind herself that it was her privacy that she respected. But subconsciously, Raven knew that she wasn't able to enter Starfire's mind.

"Yep! Now let's eat and enjoy our double-feature presentation!" Beastboy ran and sat next to Raven who was at the end of the couch. Once all of the Titans were seated in their usual places in the order:-Robin, Starfire, Cyborg, Beastboy and Raven, Cyborg reached out and grasped the remote before turning to his friends and said, "Alright ya'll, prepare yourselves for the best sci-fi flick of all times!" And with that, Cyborg pressed the "play" button and sat back in his seat.

Once the double-feature finished, Starfire was the first one to get up from the couch. "Those were two glorious movies friends and I thank you for showing them to us!" Starfire stretched and faked a yawn, "Well, I believe I must rest now. Pleasant shlorvaks friends!" Starfire waved at them and left the room before anyone would question her. Usually, Starfire wouldn't go to bed as soon as the movie ended but this action seemed to surprise everyone, especially Robin. There was also another thing that Robin noticed, her pizza had only a few slices taken out of the entire pie. Out of 12 slices that were originally there, only two had been consumed. This concerned Robin and he decided to find out if something was wrong with Starfire.

"Well, I'll see you guys tomorrow. Night," Robin said before he practically ran out of the room, intending to talk to Starfire.

"Hey Star, wait up!" Starfire was a few yards ahead of Robin and when she turned around, her breath got caught in her throat. There was concern written all over his face and that worried her. Not only was Robin technically a detective, but if he found out about her or caught her lying, then she wouldn't know what to do next. It had only been a month since Starfire had made an opening on her skin and so far, she felt like she was doing a terrible job at hiding it. There were times when Starfire was proud of herself for keeping the secret for that amount of time, but there were others when she would tell herself that Robin could do better or that Raven would be able to tell sooner or later. And there were times that she worried that Beastboy would find the scars that hadn't healed from the night before yet whenever he turned into a cat and cuddled her. Once, Cyborg had invited Starfire to come and help fix the T-car with him, which she gladly accepted, but when she lifted up the car, the back of her wrists were in Cyborg's line of vision and she had to adjust herself every time so he wouldn't see them. Although the struggle to keep what she did a secret was difficult at times, getting out the pain in the end of the day was worth it to her.

"Oh, hello friend Robin, is there something you require from me?" Starfire put up her innocent act which involved her hands behind her back which was convenient in her situation. Robin took the remaining steps forward so that he would be directly in front of her and only a few inches away.

"Well, you left in such a rush that I didn't know whether or not you wanted to…" Robin trailed off and there was a faint blush that appeared on his cheeks.

"Robin?" Starfire attempted to contain herself from reaching out and touching his shoulder but failed.

"Ahh…well I was wondering if you wanted to come out on the roof with me and see the stars. I wanted to ask you something." Robin began rubbing the back of his neck, an old habit of his, and looked at Starfire's expression which was filled with happiness and fear.

"You don't have to if you don't want to but I was just-" Robin was cut off with a yank of his arm that was caused by Starfire bringing his closer to her.

"Please, let us go." With that, they both walked off in the direction of the roof access, filling the silence with conversation and laughter. Matter of fact, Starfire had floated for a second of two before her feet felt the ground again. She was slightly disappointed by that but was relieved that Robin didn't see that happen.

"Oh, is it not the most beautiful thing you have ever laid your eyes upon?" No matter how upset Starfire was, the night sky-which included the sunset-and the sunrise always brought a smile to the Tamaranian's face. Unbeknownst to her, Robin stared at Starfire in a love-struck trance and replied with, "Yeah, you are." Robin widened his eyes behind his mask and cleared his throat, hoping that she didn't hear him. "I mean, yes, it is." Unfortunately for Starfire, she was in awe at the sky and didn't hear what Robin had said. After all, she had still believed the things that the two girls had said behind her back.

"Come on," Robin grabbed Starfire's hand and gently pulled her to the edge of the roof before sitting her down with him.

"Starfire, I have something to ask you." Starfire was sitting next to Robin looking up at the sky with hope filling her heart. For many years she had hoped that he would return her feelings or at least be open about the subject. Even if he didn't feel the same way, at least she would be able to speak about the subject with him and know how he felt instead of wondering how he felt for the rest of her life.

"Yes Robin?" Starfire turned towards him with her arms wrapped around her knees and were tucked in towards her.

"Well I don't really know how to ask you this but…are you okay?"

Silence filled the air for a moment before Starfire spoke up. "Pardon?"

"Well I've noticed that you've been acting kind of weird lately. I mean, you're not flying as much as you used to and well you haven't gone out as much anymore. Is something wrong?" Disappointment and fear filled Starfire.

"Oh, well you need not worry friend! I am well; perhaps you have merely observed these things at the wrong moment. Please, I am okay." As much as it ached her at the moment, she knew that it wouldn't be like her if she didn't reach out and touch Robin's hand in a comforting manner. Starfire smiled at him and it seemed to work on Robin.

"Are you sure?"

Starfire nodded her head and reassured him. "Positive, there is nothing to fret over."

A light smile showed upon his face and he used his free hand to return the gesture that Starfire had given him. "Okay, I believe you."

The two teenagers looked back up at the sky and it wasn't long until Starfire felt tears prickling at her eyes. She broke the contact that they shared and got up. "Forgive me friend but I must return to my room. I am quite tired and require the sleep."

"Oh, okay. Goodnight Star."

Starfire walked to the door and called out, "Pleasant shlorvaks," before she left the roof.

She ran to her room and once the door opened, she locked it so no one would be able to enter and collapsed on her bed while crying. She refused to let herself fully let out the tears so she settled for a quite sob.

She had waited years. Years. Years for him to talk about their relationship and what it meant for their future. Starfire wasn't sure whether or not he liked her as a friend, sister, or more. Robin had his moments when he would treat Starfire like he treated everyone else on the team, but there were other times when he would do or say something to her that he never did to anyone else.

Keeping her best from practically giving an S.O.S. to Raven about her feelings, Starfire ceased her crying and got up from the bed.

And you truly believed that Robin had the feelings for you.

He is looking out for you.

As greatly as I appreciate that gesture, it only reminds me that he only sees me as his friend, his teammate and nothing more.

Do not be the dense. He treats you differently than the others and you know that.

It does not matter. The statement that he sees me as more than a friend is merely a fantasy that I have. Something that I want but shall never come true. That is why we have wishes.

A wish merely gives you hope that something shall happen. However, you must make your wish come true.

I cannot force Robin to return my feelings.

No, but perhaps you are being stubborn. He was trained by the Batman to never show emotions, to devoid himself from them and to never let anyone past his "guard." But you must understand that he let you in Starfire, he has told you things that you know he has not told the others.

That is only because I am his best friend. Do not tell me that you keep such secrets from your best friend. Plus, we are all like a family. Truth: we all keep secrets from each other but that does not mean that we do not trust them, but because we do not wish to hurt them. Take me for an example. I am not telling them what I am currently doing. That is only because I do not wish to cause them pain.

Starfire walked over to the drawer and opened it. After shuffling a few things around, she retrieved the piece of glass that she had saved since the first day it all started. Starfire wasn't able to stop the excitement that washed over her as she continued to stare at the fragment while taking it to her bathroom. Closing the door and locking it-which was something she began doing instead of trusting her friends-she looked at herself in the mirror and saw multiple flaws.

She saw herself as a fat, ugly, orange, alien. She knew that she was an alien but the way she phrased it, it came out as a cruel name. Without another thought, Starfire slid down the wall behind her and began to slide the glass across her skin that had been damaged long ago. Her eyes fluttered close as she sighed in contempt. Once every wrist was bleeding, she brought up her skirt and began to do the same thing with her upper thighs. One…two…three cuts later, Starfire gently laid the glass beside her and took a moment to collect herself.

It was hard to describe how she felt after each time she did this. From her research that she complied from the laptop that Cyborg had gotten her for her birthday, Starfire got the idea that the feeling was different for everyone. For her, it was a way to get rid of the pain that she went through practically every day. It was as though all of the pain from that day, all of the memories, it oozed out of her like how the blood did after a cut. Then once the opening closed up, that meant that it was a new day for something to look forward to at the end of the day. No, it wasn't a healthy way of letting out one's emotions, but it helped her and that was all that mattered, she convinced herself. Besides, if she didn't allow herself to hurt others, then at least she would be able to hurt herself.

I know that this chapter was crappy and I'm sorry about that. I lost my idea for what to come up with for the future and when I barely had an idea, I lost it. And then when I tried to write this chapter, something bad would happen, my fingers wouldn't move themselves across the keyboard, or I would once again lose my inspiration. I'm sorry for the wait but I tried. But since the last time I updated the story, something wrong happened with my laptop where I write all of my stories so I kind of had to rewrite everything I had. I'm writing on another computer and I'm pretty sure that what I had on the laptop was better than this. I feel like my writing skills have really been slacking off and are shown in the chapters that I'm posting recently. Please review, follow, fav and all that other good stuff! I don't own anything but Warner Bros. and DC Comics do!

Always yours,

light is in the dark

P.S. I'll try to do better next time!

Pain by Three Days Grace

Pain, without love

Pain, can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all