Notes: Well, folks, the end is nearly upon us and I have to say I'm sad. I'll miss working on this little story. I had only meant it to be a 7 chapter fic for RQ week, but it, like Regina's intentions for Ruby, spiraled out of control. Nonetheless, as my first full length publication, I'm proud of it. Now, the enormous task of finishing and editing my other works is before me, and it is quite daunting. I can't say how long it'll be before I start posting them but I will try my best.
Also, I didn't get any response from the last chapter, so I'm guessing it was hard to follow or substandard or not a lot of people read on Tuesday. Whatever the reason, I hope the chapter was at least somewhat coherent. If there's something I could have done differently let me know. I want to improve as a writer but I can't do that without feedback.
Anyway, on to the chapter where we get some more forward progress as well as a bit of regression. But never fear, I don't do sad endings. I am way too much a hopeless romantic for that. Hope y'all enjoy. Thanks for reading and reviewing and such, it really does mean a lot to me. Later, y'all!
Standard Disclaimer: The characters ain't mine, I'm just borrowing their strings for a while, so don't sue me please! Please point out any errors in grammar or spelling privately and I will correct them.
Chapter 13 – Not Yet, But Someday
"Oh, my God, Regina! You won't believe what happened tonight."
When Red burst through the front door full of energy even though it was nearly midnight, Regina made no reply. Normally, Henry would be upstairs asleep so such an outburst would be greeted by a harsh glare but since she was alone in the house, Regina sat in silence. Besides, she figured she would not get in a word edgewise until Red was through with her tale.
After the sounds of her partner closing the door behind her and locking up reached her ears, Regina then heard Red begin to make her way up to the landing and then through the hallway. Her keys jingled from her expressive method of talking, highlighting her words with hand gestures. The more excited Red was about something, the more her hands worked while she talked, a rather endearing habit that Regina often made note of but chose not to comment upon.
"I was about to get ready to close up when Snow came in," continued Red, her voice growing closer as she approached the kitchen in which Regina sat. "Said she had something to tell me. She looked all nervous with excitement, too, kinda like a kid with a secret that's just about to burst out. Well, guess what? She's pregnant! Can you believe it? I'm going to be an aunt! When she told me, I almost lost my shi..."
Stopping in the doorway of the kitchen, Red's excitement was cut short by the pensive look on Regina's face. The grin she had been wearing faded only to replaced by a worried furrow of her brow. Seated at the prep table she and Red often ate at when either or both were running late getting home from work and Henry was with his other mother, Regina watched the emotions play over her lover's face.
Red took a hesitant step forward. "What's wrong?"
In response, Regina patted the stool next to her. "Come sit."
At the gentle command, Red set about placing her purse and keys on the kitchen counter before obeying, sitting tentatively upon the cushioned stool. After smoothing down her skirt, she folded her hands in her lap and began nervously chewing at her lip.
"Okay...you're being weird," she said with apprehension after a moment. "Did I do something to upset you?"
"Not at all," Regina replied, scrubbing a hand over her face. She was tired from both a general lack of sleep and having wrestled all day with what she had learned from Rumplestiltskin.
After that uncomfortable but enlightening visit to the Pawn Shop, Regina went in to work to try and get at least partially through her list of tasks to accomplish for the day without her contemplations derailing her. For the most part she managed to keep her attention on task due to the ability to compartmentalize she had developed very early on in life. Being able to push her troubles to the back of her mind came in very handy considering how heavily things were weighing on her. However, by the time 3 pm rolled around, her attention span began to deteriorate to the point that her troublesome thoughts were running amok and the words on the page were blurring together.
With working no longer a valid occupation for her mind, Regina decided to call it quits a little early, but the second she arrived home she realized what a mistake that was. Because Henry was with Emma that night and Red was having to close the Diner due to an outbreak of sickness among the staff, she was going to be alone for the evening. That left her with hours to kill before Red's double shift ended, a daunting task considering how difficult it had become to concentrate.
At first, she tried to occupy her mind by reading, which didn't work as well as she'd hoped. Nothing she picked up piqued her interest enough ease the worrisome feelings in her gut that had been slowly stewing since early that morning. Now that they were threatening to boil over, maintaining focus was nearly impossible. In all, she tried for over an hour to find a book or magazine article that would suffice to engage her mind until repeated failure frustrated her to the point of anger. She gave up on reading after that.
With that option eliminated, Regina decided to try and force herself to get some more paperwork done. To that end, she retired to her home study and pulled out some relevant files from her cabinet to go over. The tedious monotony of reading contracts, proposals, monthly expense reports and budget requests from various departments distracted her for a short while, but the more she read about the trivialities of small town government, the more her thoughts turned to her dreams. With yet another lapse in concentration, Regina grew even more restless.
Knowing that it was hopeless to adequately divert her worries any longer, she decided to try her last resort. Moving back in the living room, she ventured over to the cabinet she kept her photo albums in and pulled out her latest one. After getting comfortable on the couch, Regina laid out the album on her lap and began flipping through it. There was something about reliving various family activities through the visual stimuli of photographs that soothed her when nothing else did. It was as if studying those frozen moments of Red or Henry smiling, laughing, or even horsing around together produced a photographic catharsis which purged her for a while of negative emotions. Such visual mementos of her happiness served as a reminder that no matter how hard life got and no matter how difficult the challenge she faced or the trial she endured, she was a blessed woman.
In Storybrooke, many of her worst days came about not from extraordinary threats on the town but from the actions or words of ordinary people who had never forgiven her for the crimes she committed as Queen. Since the world they now occupied was one governed by laws and not lynch mobs, they utilized the only outlet for their anger they had at their disposal: open criticism of the job she did as Mayor. From signing petitions to have her removed from office to biweekly demonstrations in front of City Hall, the unhappy minority expressed their contempt for Regina with rabid fervor. Nothing much ever came of such activities except for Regina's sordid past being brought back up to the surface yet again. In that way, she supposed their efforts were working.
Some other, more clever detractors of a more substantial influence liked to goad her by submitting funding request or project proposals that were such a colossal waste of time that Regina would be left fuming by the time she was done reading them. They did so knowing there was little she could do in retribution since it was her job as mayor to review and approve such things, no matter how absurd. Every time a hundred page proposal landed on her desk from the zoning or planning committees, Regina would lament the breaking of the Curse and reminisce about the old days when things happened according to her will. Those days were long gone, though, and no matter how much she hated reading such drivel, that was just a mayor's life, particularly for one who had a mile long litany of sins that could be held against them at any time.
Besides vindictiveness, another reason for such abysmal behavior was jealousy. Many of Storybrooke's most vocal haters were not pleased that Regina was happy. Of those, most did not have the love in their lives that she did, so in a way, that in itself was a victory over their petty acts of defiance and lingering doubts about her intentions. However, that did not change the fact that she was bothered by how unwilling some people were to overlook all the good she'd done just so they could remain comfortably ensconced in their old opinions and hurts.
As far as Regina was concerned, the Enchanted Forest was a bygone era, a painful set of memories that were best left undisturbed. That place was not something she deemed worth holding on to, rather it only seemed fit for being forgotten. It was especially sad then to think that there were individuals who preferred to wallow in their memories of what once was until they stagnated or rotted from from the inside out, all due to an unwillingness to move forward with their lives. If it hadn't been like looking she was looking in a mirror from her days as the Evil Queen, Regina would have thought it pathetic.
However, the fact remained there were only a very exclusive group of people who had it better in the Enchanted Forest than in Storybrooke, and in those few, it was only because of their station. Being a monarch or noble of major or minor status in the Enchanted Forest afforded a great deal of advantage over the vast majority of the population. From living conditions to life expectancy and from clothing to luxury goods, the upper class enjoyed a life of privilege that those of more plebeian roots could only dream of. As such, most aristocrats actually believed themselves to be better than the unwashed masses they loved to look down their noses at.
In a turn that quite surprised Regina, out of that elite portion of the population, few seemed hellbent on clinging to the old world. Most, it seemed, preferred the creature comforts of this world to the status advantages of the old one. There were a select few, however, who did not share that opinion and it was those who made it their purpose in life to pester Regina with trivial matters that drove her batty and by generally going out of their way to make her job more difficult. Regina assumed it was because they were miserable, and as such, they felt she should be as well. It was her fault, after all, that they were not in their castles lording their wealth and privilege over the peasantry and feeling superior to all beneath them because of the power of life and death they held in their hands. That kind of uppity caste-based arrogance disgusted her.
As Queen, Regina had been proud and often cruel but never without reason. She tried to rule fairly where possible and considered herself to have done an adequate job seeing as how she was spending nearly all of her time and energy on hunting Snow White. It was more difficult than one might imagine to run a kingdom while madly plotting revenge. But during her reign, no peasant in her kingdom ever starved, taxes were not stifling, and the law was fairly but strictly enforced. Compared to other kingdoms, her subjects had relatively good lives so long as they did not cross her, anger her, or offend her.
Mostly this was because she had not desired her position but had been forced into it. Unlike with her mother, power had never been Regina's life goal, so once she had it she was only interested in using it as a means to an end. The main portion of her energy was poured out toward achieving her main objective in life: to capture Snow White and kill her slowly. As such, wielding power for its own sake was a secondary thought. Among monarchs, there were others of like mind whose focus was not on accruing ever more power, but there were also those for whom the opposite stood true such as King George aka Albert Spencer. In both the Enchanted Forest and Storybrooke alike, it was individuals of his ilk who most made Regina want to tear her hair out and light people on fire. That she refrained from doing so was a testament to her self-control.
Still, sometimes she got overwhelmed by frustration and when she felt that way, few things helped to calm her ruffled feathers. Spending time with Henry and Red was most effective, but in lieu of that, looking through her picture albums proved an adequate substitute which had proven to actually make a noticeable difference in her mood however bleak it was. It was because there were no bad memories in those albums, only happy ones that Regina was always eager to recall.
Due to the fact that she and Red had only been together in this world for a year and three months, most of the albums were focused on Henry. Now, Regina had never been a photo-happy parent like some in this world who seemed intent on recording every waking moment of their child's life. To Regina that was both excessive and absurd. While she couldn't condemn anyone for photographing an important moment in their child's life, there was a limit to reason that she just wouldn't cross. Yet as Henry grew up, she made sure to take enough pictures of him to chronicle his young life, and there were enough of those to fill several books such as his baby, toddler, and adolescent ones. Other than that, she was frugal with her photography.
Red, on the other hand, was a different story. When she was still Ruby, not only did Regina discover that she had a secret hobby taking pictures but to Regina's pleasant surprise she was actually quite good at it. Ruby's nature photos of the forests surrounding Storybrooke were some of the most gorgeous Regina had ever seen. Once their relationship started getting serious beyond the bedroom, Ruby's subject matter shifted somewhat to the personal and all too soon, she was producing an album of pictures with Regina and Henry as the main attractions. When she showed it to them not long before the Curse broke, the reviews were universally glowing, and while Regina had been flattered beyond belief and extremely impressed, it was Henry who was most intrigued. With big hopeful eyes, he made a request that Ruby take him out on one of her photography trips into the forest and to Regina's delight Ruby agreed.
In the handful of times Henry accompanied Red on one of her ventures since the Curse ended (she still went on them even when walking with a cane, the stubborn woman), the passion she displayed for the art began to rub off on Henry. It initially amused Regina because her son seemed to be taking up things that Ruby and/or Red enjoyed, almost as if he had developed some kind of hero worship of her, which Regina was more than okay with. But then for Henry's 11th birthday, Red presented him with an ultra modern and relatively expensive camera that she had crossed the now-safe border to buy. The gift fully ignited the spark of interest she had already lit from a smoldering flame into a burning blaze.
Fancying himself a budding photographer even at his tender age, Henry then went about taking pictures of anything and everything that caught his eye. The framing and timing of the images he took proved he had an eye for detail and a natural ability to recognize moments worth capturing and preserving, moments that told a story beyond the surface. Were it not for the fact Red concurred, Regina might have been accused of bias when asserting that her son had talent. Perhaps, she sometimes thought when she caught Henry photographing something in town, her son had found his calling.
Being that Henry had already proven to be a sneaky boy, Regina should not have been surprised that he would use those skills to take a series of surreptitious photographs that he secretly composed into an album for Mother's Day. Since they were still rebuilding their relationship, still finding common ground on which to approach one another, Regina hadn't expected such an intimately personal gift from Henry. So needless to say, she'd been so touched by the thoughtfulness of the gift that she was moved to tears. That album became Regina's most cherished.
All of the photos inside that album featured Regina in some way or another, but many also featured her together with Red, Henry having caught them together in moments of happiness where they were smiling or laughing at one another or exchanging chaste but sweet kisses. Of the pictures Henry included in the album, Regina had many favorites, so it was hard for her to pinpoint which she preferred above the rest. One of them was a gorgeous shot of her and Red walking hand in hand down the pathway from her front door to the entry gate; the sun was hanging low in the sky, casting an orange glow about the scene and as they walked, she and Red were gazing at one another in a way that openly displayed how much love there was between them.
But even though she loved that picture, there was one she treasured above it because of the story it told. It was one in which she was practicing a speech in front of her mirror and had been taken as it was nearing election time in Storybrooke. Due to the fact that it was the first free election after everyone's memories were restored, there had been a legitimate chance she might actually lose after having run unopposed for 28 years, so Regina had taken the race very seriously. Speeches were scheduled, posters and flyers were made and distributed, spots were recorded to air over the radio, and she even sat for several candid interviews with Sydney.
Through the entirety of the busy campaign, Red was a constant at Regina's side, cane in hand with a smile on her face while tirelessly championing the incumbent Mayor's merits among the townsfolk in a way that Regina couldn't. As one of them, Red had a position of influence and respect that she was not shy about using. One of her favorite tactics was the same she'd used on Emma to such great effect, raising the fact that she had grown up in poverty and knew what it was like to struggle, so she could sympathize with how they felt. But, she would then declare in bringing her point to bear, she did not succumb to the temptation to be clouded by anger or vindictiveness. Instead, she chose to embrace the new opportunities of this world, giving examples of how life here had benefited her and pointing much of the credit to Regina. Inevitably, Red argued, the good Regina had done in creating Storybrooke, serving it faithfully for 28 years, and defending it at the risk of her own life in the months since the curse broke outweighed the bad of her having cast the curse in the first place.
It honestly amazed Regina at how passionate a defender Red was and that by some miracle she was the beneficiary. Somehow, despite being warped by the Curse, Red had been able to recognize the good Regina had done in Storybrooke without it being stained by the evil she had practiced in the Enchanted Forest or by the fact she'd cursed an entire realm into another world because a ten year old girl couldn't keep a secret. In a way that no other could, Red was able to recognize where most weren't that the Evil Queen was not really who she was, merely who she became out of necessity in order to survive. That understanding was what Red tried to impart to the people of Storybrooke to varying degrees of success.
For most of 3 weeks leading up to the election, however, Red often lamented that she felt she failed and that it seemed like people were going to hold the Curse against Regina forever. Taking away her position was just part of the punishment they felt she had earned but didn't receive because circumstances intervened on her behalf. If that had indeed been the case, it would have admittedly been far less than she deserved.
But lo and behold, come election day, Regina won in a landslide against her sole competitor, Albert Spencer, who had campaigned not on his own record but on Regina's past. To be frank, it should have worked, which is why to this day (and though Red would deny it), Regina believed she would not have won without her partner's heroic efforts on her behalf. It was yet another debt of gratitude she owed to the woman who had single-handedly transformed her life so much for the better.
In any case, on the night that particular photo was taken, Regina was practicing for an upcoming debate. Seeing as it was the last and most important one, she'd been stressing about her preparation, so she'd drafted Red to help her get ready. She had thought up a bunch of possible questions, so she wrote them on a cue card and gave them to Red so she could toss them out at random for Regina to answer. After that, Regina spent some time reading her introductory speech to Red and then again to herself in the mirror just to make sure her posture was perfect and her enunciation was just so.
Judging by the angle of the picture, Henry must have sneaked into the doorway to snap it, catching her reflection in her freestanding mirror at a moment when she was gesturing forward, her eyes passionately expressive and lips parted in speech, looking every inch the Mayor despite her blue silk pajamas, lack of make-up, and black-rimmed reading glasses. But it wasn't her flawless form of delivery that made the image special to Regina. Rather, it was the look on Red's face from where she sat perched cross-legged on the edge of the bed, so entranced and captivated she appeared almost bewitched whilst hanging onto every word Regina uttered. Normally, Red did not stare in such an obvious way since she knew it made Regina uncomfortable, but because Regina's attention had been focused elsewhere, her face was unfiltered.
Richly and vividly painted with an array of intense emotions, there was something momentous in Red's equally awed and lovestruck expression that made Regina's stomach flip whenever she saw it. Having made many speeches in her life, most of them as Queen, she was used to looks of fear, awe, or slavish devotion being directed her way, but the reverential adoration Red was wearing in the picture had been a new one. It was almost as if in that moment, Red was a woman who had been kept in darkness all her life and was just seeing the sun for the very first time and was basking in the warm glow of its life-giving rays.
Being able to see such emotion from Red in the picture made Regina aware of something she'd not really considered in a long time. The power to utterly break Red, to crush her heart and soul, to pulverize her dreams of the future into dust rested solely in her hands. Such power, she knew from experience, was one that no person should be permitted to hold over another. In such cases, disaster was all too often the result.
But even though it was scary to recognize how much leverage she possessed over Red, it was wonderful at the same time. Red had such trust in her that she was willing to invest the entirety of her being into their relationship, holding nothing back while giving of herself liberally and asking for so little in return, all because she believed in Regina. That Red was so free with her trust humbled Regina so that she never forgot how precious it was. That is why she chose that exact picture to look at while sorting through her feelings about her dreams. Being able to see how unwavering Red's love was, how pure and unrestrained, made contemplating where their relationship was going somewhat more acceptable.
In the first dream...vision Regina had, Red had proposed to her, and Regina was not so blind as to be aware that Red wanted that in reality. Still, while getting married to Red was a concession she had thought herself willing to make at first, facing the very real possibility it might actually happen was an altogether different experience. Staring down that dreaded rabbit hole had brought up all kinds of bad memories, particularly of her wedding night when she'd given no choice but to give herself away to a man she did not love in a marriage she did not want while still grieving the love she had laid to rest less than a month before.
For a long time after her wedding night, sex was tainted for Regina. It became a duty, something she did with her body while her mind was shuttered off. Disconnecting from reality was the only way she could endure the pain and shame without losing her mind. Not once had she ever been a willing participant with Leopold but she had lacked the power to refuse. As a result of that sustained abuse, marriage became sullied in her view, an ugly tradition that she came to associate with unending torment.
While Regina loved Red and was willing to consider marrying someday, she was not yet ready. The scars on her heart were not healed enough that she could give that much of herself away without ruining what should be the happiest day of their lives. As such, it was with some measure of dread that she'd realized she was going to have to talk to Red about it and just hope that she was as patient and understanding in this as she was with all of Regina's other issues.
And then there was the second and third dreams, which seemed to be some kind of warning or reminder to Regina that life was precious and fleeting, that she was not guaranteed a forever with Red, no matter how much she might want it. Those two warred with the revelations of the first. On one hand, Regina recognized she was not ready for marriage, but on the other hand, some cosmic force was trying to warn her that there might come a day when she'd waited too long. Her alternate self had not seemed to be plagued by the same hang-ups as she was in this reality and even she had not acted fast enough. Because of that, the other Regina had been left with crushing regrets that precipitated a rapid degeneration of her mind of which the disaster in her dream at the mausoleum was a direct result.
All of this was weighing on Regina's conscience during the course of her time alone. She didn't know what to do or what to say. All she knew was that she loved Red, loved her more than life itself, yet she didn't know if that was enough. But it had to be. The alternative – losing Red – was unfathomable.
"What's going on, Regina?" Red's concerned voice cut through the thick silence.
Taking a steadying breath, Regina replied, "I went to see Rumple as you suggested."
Red's brow rose dramatically. "You did? That's surprising but I'm glad you did. What did he have to say?"
After explaining Rumple's theory to Red in a rudimentary way, Regina added, "And I have to admit, I believe his theory is plausible if not fact."
Red hummed, her head tilting over as she contemplated what Regina had told her. After a few seconds of silent thought, she then nodded. "I can see it. I mean, I wouldn't have thought there were other worlds besides our own, let alone ones without magic, yet I now know that there are many worlds beyond the two. So why not alternate universes?"
"Precisely," Regina agreed. "Which lead me to question why I was seeing what I did in my dreams. Rumple suggested that they were most likely triggered because of a dilemma I'm wrestling with. He didn't really go into detail about the mechanics of what was happening but I got the feeling that he believed them to be messages."
Red frowned. "From?"
Shrugging, Regina sighed. "I don't know. Fate? The universe? My own subconscious? All I know is that if what he says is true, the dreams were all linked in meaning and working together to tell me something."
"And did you figure that something out?"
"I did," Regina replied, averting her eyes briefly from Red's intense gaze. "They were trying to tell me that I can't let the past dictate my future anymore, that life is precious and love even more so. I understand what my dreams are telling me but I'm not sure I'm ready to listen."
"Why?" Red asked, her brow furrowing in confusion. "It's obvious that you've accepted Gold's explanation of your dreams as the truth, so why fight against...whatever it is that's been communicating with you. If it's that important, seems simple to me that you should listen."
"But it's not simple, Red," Regina countered tersely, running a nervous hand through her hair, "not when it involves marriage!" Eyes widening, Regina clapped a hand over her mouth. She hadn't meant to blurt that out.
Leaning back on her stool as if thunderstruck, Red gaped at Regina and clutched at the neckline of her uniform. "Marriage? Like," she pointed between them with her other hand, "us?"
"Yes," Regina breathed, searching Red's green eyes for any sign that her deductions were wrong. She found none. There was no offense, disgust, or hesitation in her eyes that pointed to Red being disinclined to the idea in any way. Rather, she appeared a bit afraid, as if her long-held secret desire was finally being revealed and she was terrified that Regina would overreact. Red's next words solidified that assessment as accurate.
"And?" she asked after gnawing on her bottom lip with worry. "How do you feel about that?"
"Do you want my honest answer to that?" Regina responded delicately. In the heat of the moment, her resolve to have this discussion was waning, so she used the opportunity to give Red an out with which to veer the discussion away from its current course and save them both a little bit of heartache. She should have known better.
"I always want you to be honest with me, Regina," Red said with a clear voice, though her face betrayed that she was bracing for rejection already.
The doubt Red was displaying stung Regina almost enough that she was willing to lie to prevent her from being hurt, and she would have but for her having learned the hard way that her partner did not appreciate dishonesty for the sake of sparing her feelings. Red would rather be told a truth that crushed her than a well-intentioned lie because, as she'd told Regina before, lies always wind up blowing up in a way that compounds pain. She was right.
Once during the campaign, Red had asked Regina why some of the people who worked at city hall stared at her whenever she visited Regina at work, with particular curiosity about Albert Spencer's derisive leers. Regina had lied, not having the heart to tell Red that Spencer had spread vicious rumors around city hall that as Ruby, she was in Regina's 'employ'. It was a pretentious way of saying that Ruby was an escort Regina kept on retainer. When Regina discovered the infuriating rumor, she nearly had a meltdown.
Deciding to ferret out the source, she worked her way diligently through many employees, questioning them subtly as to where they had heard the rumor. After learning it was Spencer, she confronted him personally, warning him that if he spread anymore such slander she would destroy him and thoroughly enjoy every moment of doing so. Though he seemed to be more amused by her threats more than frightened by them, Spencer backed down. Thinking the matter resolved, Regina forgot about it and moved on.
That was until one afternoon close to the election. It was nearly time for Regina to quit for the day when Red had burst into her office in tears, gripping her cane so tightly that the metal knob on top creaked in protest. Her face glowed with indignant, mortified rage.
"Why didn't you tell me?" she'd demanded, leaning over Regina's desk, her chin trembling due to anger and grief. "I asked you what they were saying and you said, 'nothing'! How could you not tell me?"
Temporarily stupefied, Regina had stuttered, "I...wha...w-what are you talking about, sweetheart?"
"Don't you dare sweetheart me, Regina!" Red had shouted, loud enough that Regina winced, sure her secretary could hear along with half the other workers on her floor.
Eyes wide at the outburst, Regina lifted her hands toward her lover in a mollifying gesture. "Red, calm down. What's got you so upset?"
Glaring a hole through Regina's head, Red replied, "I was talking to Ashley before I walked in and Drizella waltzed by. After her typical sneering at her step-sister, she noticed me standing there. Wanna know what she said?" It was clear to Regina that Red was so wound up over this that it was best not to respond for fear of setting her off even more. So she didn't. "She said: 'can I ask you a question? Does she still pay you?'"
At that, the metaphorical light bulb lit up and Regina wilted into her plush leather chair, wishing for all the world that the floor would open up and swallow her whole. "Red..." she started to explain but was unable to due to Red plowing forward with a full head of steam.
"I asked her what the hell she meant by that. Care to guess?" Opening her mouth to respond to what was clearly a rhetorical question, Regina was once again preempted by Red, this time with harsh words that had her reeling backward as if being struck. "Of course not! You don't have to guess. You already know! Did you know that yesterday I went to visit to Spencer by myself? I thought I could talk some sense into him, get him to stop all the crap he's been spewing about you."
"Oh God, Red, I didn't..."
"No! I don't want to hear it!" she shouted, her face a blotchy mess of embarrassed rage. "I made a fool of myself, Regina! I kept wondering why that taunting smirk never left his face but now I know. He thinks I'm your whore!" After that, it was like Red's anger bubble was burst and she drained of color right before Regina's eyes. With her face crumbled in misery, she lamented, "Does everyone think that? Is that what I've been reduced to in people's eyes now? I was already the town slut but now I'm the mayor's paid piece of ass!" Spent, Red collapsed into the chair in front of Regina's desk, dropped her head into her hands and cried.
It took a lot of apologies for Regina to work her way out that very bitter and lonely doghouse, along with offerings of flowers, chocolates, breakfast in bed, and general grovelling in a way she had never been reduced to before. But it had been necessary. Half of what kept her from telling Red the truth when she'd had the opportunity to do so was her pride. Pride was always Regina's weakness, but with Red so miserable and it being all her fault, she had not been prepared to let it, however strong a force it was, prevent her from making things right. If begging and pleading on her hands and knees had been what was required, she was prepared to do that.
But in keeping with Red's compassionate nature, Regina had been forgiven after only a few days of the cold shoulder. Still, the lesson stuck. After that, she'd pretty much told Red the truth even when it was painful, and this truth was probably going to be a very painful one for Red to hear, perhaps even more so than it would be for Regina to tell.
Taking a deep breath, she reached out for her partner's hand, taking it gently between hers. "First, I need you to know that I love you so much," she began, her face earnest and open, "but I'm not ready for that, not right now and maybe not ever. I still..."
"Hey, I get it," Red interjected, understanding flooding her features. The worry that she had been wearing just a second ago was gone, which somewhat confused Regina. Red then smiled gently. "You don't have to explain, babe. I know why you feel that way, so I want you to know that I'm happy with the way things are right now. If we never get married that's okay because I'm yours and you're mine. I don't need a ring or a piece of paper to tell me that. You're the love of my life, Regina. As long as I get to be with you, nothing else matters."
Choking back tears, Regina turned away. The love in Red's eyes was just too much to bear as awful as she felt. As always, she was the one holding Red back from her dreams. In the Enchanted Forest, Regina had always been aware of the wedge she'd driven between Red and Snow, and though that gave her immense satisfaction at first, the longer things went, the more she saw how it was tearing Red apart. It was no secret to Regina that Red wanted to help reconcile her best friend to the woman she loved and it was only her twisted, relentless vendetta that prevented that from being possible.
Sometimes in those days, when sleeping, Red would mumble incoherent sentences. Often, Regina had no idea what was going on in her obviously vivid dreams, but there was one time she distinctly recalled understanding what Red had said. It was seared into her brain because it had begun with the mention of her mortal nemesis, but also she remembered because of the radiantly happy expression that came across Red's sleeping features upon speaking those handful of words.
"Snow, 'Gina," she'd mumbled, "s'glad. Love you both. M'so happy."
Regina's stomach had plummeted to her feet. She hadn't liked the feeling of knowing how happy it would make Red if she were to stop her pursuit of Snow White. It conflicted her so much that she could not rid herself of the discomfort for days afterward. Even the prospect of torturing traitors and burning down villages did not help to perk her up. In contemplating why, Regina found that she had developed a deep-seated desired for Red to be happy, yet she also realized that the price for that to happen was one she was unwilling to pay. At the time, her dreams of revenge were more important to her than Red's dreams of happiness, and much to her present disgrace, it seemed not much had changed on that front despite her belief that it had.
Looking back at Red and miserably torn, she finally responded with a declaration that she felt on the tip of her tongue far too often. "I don't deserve you."
It physically hurt Regina to say those words because she wanted so much for them not be true. But no matter how much she wished for it not to be so, they were. She didn't deserve Red, never had and never would, especially when she kept on putting herself first as per usual. If she hadn't needed Red so much, Regina would have ended the relationship long ago, but as was the case since nearly the first kiss they shared, her need outweighed any sense of decency. Regina was, as always, a selfish woman.
"Love is not about deserving," was Red's tender reply. "If it was, none of us would be happy, me included. Love doesn't need an explanation or a qualification. It just is. So, it doesn't really matter if you deserve me or if I deserve you. I love you and you love me. If that's true..."
"It is," Regina supplied, lifting her hands to cup Red's face.
"Well, then," Red smiled, "Mr. Lennon and Mr. McCartney were right. Love is all we need."
Leaning in, Regina kissed her incredible lover, a tender joining of lips not rushed or excited by passion, but reassuring and affirming, an exchange of unspoken devotion that left her breathless. After parting several seconds later, Regina returned one hand to her lap while she stroked the other upward over Red's ear and through the silky strands of hair at her temple.
Staring adoringly at her better half, Regina felt compelled to give her a sliver of hope because after Red's gentle acceptance, she felt it, too. "I love you," she then said. "And this is not a no, just a not yet. One day, we'll revisit this conversation, and perhaps then my answer will be different."
Her gambit worked. Red's face filled with hopeful wonder. "Really? 'Cause you know I meant what I said. We don't have to ever talk about this again."
"I know," Regina smiled, "and I love you for your unconditional understanding, but this is not just for you. It's for me, too. My dreams were trying to tell me something and you're right, I should listen."
Leaning back in for another kiss, Red whispered, "Far be it from me to argue with that."
No more words were needed. And so much later that night, lying in bed with Red asleep in her arms, Regina thought back to that terrible day one year ago, the source of her numerous nightmares. The remembrance of Red lying there on her front porch, a puddle of blood haloing all around her with sightless green eyes staring up into the nether, was one that haunted her beyond her dreams. She would never forget how it felt when she had believed Red to be dead or how hopeless she became when considering she had lost everything that mattered to her in one day, or how violent she became when thoughts of vengeance filled her mind once more, her old self pleading with her to let the Evil Queen back out to play. And despite the fact that she hadn't lost Red and she hadn't regressed, it was a close call – too close for comfort – that scared her so much she overreacted.
In the days after Red was stabbed, every time that picture entered her mind, she felt a sense of impending doom that made her spine tingle and her stomach churn until she was battling nausea. The feeling was so unpleasantly persistent that she'd actually prepared a forgetting potion to erase the memory. After several days of indecisive procrastination, she decided to finally take it late at night when Red was sleeping so that there would be no chance of being interrupted. That night as she stood in front of her bathroom mirror, potion in hand and poised at her lips, she had been ready to follow through and would have were it not for a cry of distress from the bedroom. Leaving the potion behind, Regina raced to the bed to comfort Red, who had awakened, trembling and drenched with sweat, from the throes of a terrible nightmare. By the time Regina got her partner settled down and back to sleep, she had reconsidered her hasty decision.
The next day, she sat down and actually thought things through more carefully. In doing so, she came to the conclusion that she didn't want to forget. Remembering what she had almost lost made her more appreciative of those she loved and more determined to succeed in those relationships where she'd failed in the past. While certainly horrible, those memories also made her realize that there was someone in this world who loved her enough to willingly die for her, something Regina never had before. Worried that she might lose those feelings if she were forget, she vowed to remember not with sorrow but with hope, and to never again take Red or Henry for granted. After avoiding the near disaster of taking the potion, it became her purpose to strive toward being a better person, a better Mayor, friend, mother, lover, and companion.
Although she was not yet where she wanted to be, Regina was proud to say that she was getting there, and all because of the people that mattered most: Henry, her beloved son, and Red, her True Love. One day at a time, she was becoming that hopeful and loving young girl once again, the one she thought lost to her forever. And though it was unlikely she would ever fully recover her former innocence (after all, how could she? too much had happened for such to be possible), Regina had learned that life had a funny habit of coming full circle in ways that defied the odds and expectations of even the most wise of sages. It was the way of the universe to show humanity that at best they are a vapor in the wind or grass that withers and fades, here today and gone tomorrow.
No one, Regina had learned, was truly in charge of their own destiny, a revelation which she had come to appreciate only recently. If her life with Red had taught her anything it was that life was a journey that was not always meant to be steered and that sometimes there was nothing a person could do but to hold on, to ride the wave out instead of fighting senselessly against it. Rather than being something scary, this wonderful journey she was embarking on with Henry and Red was one so fulfilling that she was more than willing to just sit back and enjoy it, or at least try to. And who knows, maybe if she was lucky, one day she would get to do it all over again.