Chapter 11 – Lot of Nothing

Saturday, May 11th, 2024

Gabi's POV

My arms opened to a bright light so I automatically shut them again, I turned my head and tried again only to see Troy rubbing his head, he tilted his head up and his eyes caught mine and I knew by seeing his face I knew what happened. I started to cry as I rolled my head the other way, because I could not face Troy, if I looked at him I would see his heartbreak because he knew. He had to have known by now and it ended badly. I failed him…again. I felt Troy get on to the hospital bed and he pulled me into him, "No," I said struggling, my voice raw as I started to cry harder. He hated me.

"No," I pushed him off the bed and he rested his arm on my shoulder, "Brie," my vision was blurred with tears and my chest throbbed from the pains of sobs echoing in my chest. My throat closing due to the sheer volume of tears being produced.

"No," I cried harder, "I don't want to be here anymore," my voice was pained and I was distant. I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't be here. Troy was angry, I could feel it. He hated me and I had failed him again. I was never going to be able to do this.

Troy this time didn't take no for an answer as he pulled me into his arms tightly, my sobs loud as he held me tightly against his chest. "It's okay," he soothed, "It's okay," I fell into him as everything hurt, my heart, my body, it all seemed to be gone and exhausted. Everything seemed to be crumbled up and destroyed with just one single thing.

Troy's POV

When she woke up, I looked at her and she must have known by my face because she broken down, her sobs seemed to have been louder than when we were at the stadium. It was ugly as I watched her whole world shatter again. The way her face just broke, you should see her heart shatter in front of my eyes and it pained me to watch it happen. Once she rolled away from me, I knew she didn't want to see my face again because I was angry and she knew it. I was pissed at her for keeping this from me for almost eight weeks now.

She had known for a while and she never said anything to me and I could have protected her and kept the stress level down by not fighting. I could have helped her but she didn't allow me to help her. She kept it another motherfucking secret. But when the tears and the sobs came, my heart broke for her. She was hurting and I just held her close until the sobs stopped rattling my chest and then I rested her back into the bed and now I sat here, looking at her, hoping that she has a good reason for this.

A doctor came in and told me that I could take her home but I wasn't sure she wanted to go there. I wasn't sure where she wanted to go from here. I rubbed my head as I began to collect our things when I called my mom. "Troy, is everything okay?"

I shook my head as I leaned into the wall, "I just…Gabi had a miscarriage," the words felt like a ton of bricks on my tongue and I wasn't sure how I felt because I wanted another child so badly but I can't keep seeing Gabi destroyed by this. With every single one it kept getting worse and I was scared of the aftermath of this one. My eyes looked back up at her as my moms voice filled the phone again.

"Oh Troy," my eyes filled with tears as I looked at her a little bit longer before turning away.

"We are barely talking anyways and she has another one, I don't know what to do." I rubbed my face and leaned back against a wall, I was at a loss for what I should do. How do I comfort her? How do I not stay angry with her? Why did she hide it from me again? "I don't know what to do,"

"I wish I could tell you honey, I have never been there before. I don't know," my mom sounded heartbroken and truly at a loss for what was happening inside Gabi's body. Nobody understood why this was happening. Nobody understood why to the most perfect mother in the world. This was going to be so hard on her.

I wiped underneath my eyes and I turned to look back into the room as Gabi was waking up again, "I gotta go ma,"

"I'm sorry Troy,"

My eyes watered as I saw the pain on her face again, "I'm sorry too," I then hung up the phone and walked into the room, "Brie," the name that I rarely used in the past weeks easily slipped out as I saw her in pain. I hated seeing her in pain. "What," her words felt like venom coming out of her mouth as they were directed at me and I sadly wished that they didn't sound like that.

I cringed at the tone of her voice, "Are you ready to go home?"

"I never should have come here either,"

"I didn't know you were pregnant so I had no idea why you were sobbing, I had no idea why you were holding your stomach, I had no idea what the hell was wrong with you" my tone in response scared me as her eyes lifted to mine, "We have been fighting, why would I just announce I am pregnant to you? Would that have changed a damn thing?"

"Maybe that would have helped, maybe there would have been less stress or…"

"Helped what Troy? What in God's name would it has helped but make our arguing worse? What would it have done because we are in a really bad place and I am pretty damn sure nothing was going to help us." she started to get up and she cringed but continued on as I watched from the doorway, "I'm sorry okay?"

"What is sorry going to fix? We lost another baby it is my entire fault. It has always been my fault and I know you hate me because of it. I know that you are unhappy that I can not give you at least another child and you know what, I wish, I wish I could because I can't do this anymore." Her eyes were filled with pain as she said every single word, "I am so sorry that I am not the woman that you thought I could be."

I was crushed hearing her say those words aloud but I also knew that I deserved that. I didn't answer as the discharge papers were signed and we were heading to the car. I carried the stuff as a nurse wheeled her out, condolences were given and I got into the drivers seat. "Will you take me to my mom's?"

I looked over at her in surprise, "You are running away again?"

"Like you care Troy! I just really want to go to my mom's okay? I want to go inside a quiet room and be alone for hours, I am going to call Joel and tell him what is going on. I am taking five days off work and then I will continue on with my life. I know what I am doing Troy, I do. I know what this feels like, I know how to grieve this, and I know how this works because it has happened four different times now. Each time more heart shattering than the first time around. So, please, may I go to my mom's house for the evening?" she turned to look at me and I held her eyes, I was at a complete loss for words.

I blinked looking at her as I started the car; I nodded my head as she turned her head out of the window. Her eyes closing but I saw the tears running down her cheek, I wanted to reach over but I knew that would only hurt more. I drove to her parent's house and when we got there, I shut the car off. "Gabs, please,"

"We can talk later."

"Gabi,"

"I'm fine Troy, I just need some space. I am asking you to just give me that. Give me some god damn space," her voice was so bitter and I just let her walk out of the car and to the front door. She opened it with her key and slipped inside and I knew she was turning the alarm off, and then she would take off her shoes before either going to find her mom who is the only other person who understands or to an empty bedroom to just let it all out.

The first two times…she came to me.

These last two she ran from me.

Both hurt like hell.

Gabi's POV

I went up to my parents room and I opened the door quietly as they were both asleep, I walked over to my mom's side of the bed as I crawled onto it, I was almost thirty years old and I was crawling into my mom's bed.

She awoke with a start and she looked at me, "Gabriella?" I nodded as I was already in tears as I pressed my face into her chest, "Sweetie, what is the matter?" she sat up turning on a light but I held on to her tightly. My shoulders were shaking, as I couldn't do this anymore. "I was pregnant,"

"Oh baby,"

"I lost it tonight," the words seemed so hard against my throat and my mom circled me in her arms as I started to cry again, "and Troy hates me," those words were even harder to say than the miscarriage because I gave Troy several different opportunities to deny it but he never did. He just looked at me…lost. I heard some movement on the other side of the bed, "Ky, what on God's," my mom rubbed my back, she said something to my father and I felt the bed shift and then his face was in front of mine. His eyes were sad and he then kissed my forehead gently.

"I'm sorry baby, I am," my tears were blurring my eyes but I could see his own tears as he looked at me, my heart shattering, my blood drying out, and my tears filling the room around me. I fell asleep, finally, in my mom's arms hours it seemed later but I finally fell asleep only to be awaken with the harsh truth of the world.

Alex's POV

Sunday, May 12th, 2024

I stirred my coffee in a large circle when my phone rang, I reached over and I didn't look as I answered it. "Hello?"

"Alex,"

My back went rigid, "Troy,"

"How is she?"

"There aren't words to explain it. She is broken,"

"She never told me,"

"She never told anybody."

"Why wouldn't she just tell me?"

"Troy, I don't know but she needs some peace. I can come handle Logan if you need me too." Troy was quiet on the other end of the line, "Alyssa slept over last night and stayed with Logan. I didn't get home till well after two in the morning."

Troy was quiet and I looked at the ceiling, "Troy, I think you both need some space."

"I didn't,"

"Troy, she isn't in a place to argue what she was doing. She is broken, I thought the last one was bad but this is different. She is different and I don't think it is a good okay,"

Troy exhaled loudly, "We can't be doing this with Logan,"

"Just…be supportive until she is ready."

I hung up with Troy after that when Kylie came into the room, she was dressed in a pair of sweat pants after dealing with our almost thirty year old daughter. "How is she?"

"Exhausted, upset, tired," I nodded my head and she wrapped her arm around my waist, "Alex, talk to me,"

"What is there to talk about?"

"You were really upset last night," I frowned as my eyes lifted to the window and then back down to my coffee, "She is my baby,"

"I am your baby!" I jumped at the sound of Lilly's voice and I turned to face her with a smile, "Yes, you are," Lilly put her arms around me and then I couldn't handle this. I couldn't do this right now. "Lil, go play outside okay?" she frowned and I moved away in quick footsteps, "Alex," Kylie's voice followed me and I escaped into the office. "Alex, what is the matter,"

"I can't watch Lilly go through this, I can barely keep myself together with Gabi. Gabi just wants to have a kid and she can't. She just wants to have babies and when I saw you go through this it broke my heart. This is the fourth time with Gabi and it is killing me because she does not deserve this. Her life has been hard enough and I just want one good thing to go for her." Kylie looked at me as I broke apart, "And then we still have Lilly, Lilly is most likely going to have the same issues and if I have to watch her go through it,"

Kylie just wrapped her arms around me as my chest caved with pain. "I can't watch my beautiful girls be heartbroken over this anymore."

"Oh Alex,"

She touched my face and I took a deep breath, "I am going to go talk to Gabi,"

"She might be sleeping,"

I only nodded as I walked to our room, she had barely moved since she arrived last night. She curled up right next to Kylie last night and just cried for hours. The tears never seemed to stop and when they did, she was haunted in her dreams.

Moving into the room, I crawled onto the bed and I laid down next to her, "Daddy," she turned onto her side and faced me, I smiled as I tucked a piece of her loose hair behind her ear. I used to do it all the time when she was little, "Hi baby,"

She moved into my arms as I held her tightly, "I'm so sorry," I said quietly, "So sorry,"

"I just want it to stop,"

"I know,"

"I just want to give Logan a sibling, I just want to be a good mom, and I just want to have another baby." I rested my chin on the top of her hair, as the tears started again, "I can't do this anymore,"

"You don't have too."

"Troy wants another baby and Logan wants a sibling,"

"You need to think about yourself." The words came out of my lips, the same words that I gave to Kylie when she was so upset over not being able to give Gabi a sibling. I shut my eyes tightly as I kept Gabi close to me and I rubbed her back gently. She fisted my shirt but she didn't cry, she just laid there and tried to breathe, she tried to figure out what was going on in her world and I had so many questions for her but I didn't know what to say and I didn't want to make it worse.

"Gabs, can we talk or are you not ready yet?" she pulled away from me and looked up at me, her big eyes brown as she looked at me. "What?"

I rolled onto my back as I sat up and so did she, "What is going on with you and Troy?" she sucked in a breath and she played with the bed spread between her fingers, "It is nothing dad,"

"Nothing?" I looked at her and tears welled in her eyes, "I don't want to talk about it dad," I only nodded because she wasn't ready, "Are you going to stay here for a couple of days? What about the Royals?"

"I covered it." She answered, "I want to stay one more night so I can get it together before I see Logan, okay?" I nodded as I rubbed her hand, "How about you get some rest okay?" she nodded and I got back up and I went out the door. Kylie was standing there, "She will be okay,"

"She can't do this anymore,"

"If we would have given up then we wouldn't have our perfect twins,"

I bit down on my lip and I felt like I was growing angry, "Kylie, it killed me to see you go through it but now that Gabi is going through it, it is shattering my fucking heart. She says she doesn't want to do it anymore and she shouldn't have too. This is tearing her apart Ky, she is falling apart and what if she decides to repeat the whole pill thing again?"

"I won't," I turned around to see Gabi, "I have a daughter, I am not suicidal, I just need five minutes to catch my breath, okay, I am going to be just fine, I just need a minute." Kylie smiled at her and she swept off with Gabi as I went to find my cell phone to make a few different calls.

Gabi's POV

Tuesday, May 14th, 2024

17-23

A knock came at my bedroom door, I went home this morning and I was avoiding Troy because I had not seen him since he dropped me off at my parent's house. "Somebody wants to see you," I turned around to see Troy and I nodded, "I'm ready,"

"Good, I know you don't want to talk to me or anything but I just…are you okay?"

"I'll be fine." I answered, my reply short because I didn't want to do this any longer. I didn't want to talk to him; I just wanted it all over. He came over to me and he pulled me into his arms, he didn't say a word and he wasn't tense against my body but he held me close to him. My throat started to close up as I pressed my face into his chest. His lips pressed into the top of my head gently as I started to cry again but with Troy's arms around me this time.

"I'm sorry Gabs," he whispered gently, "Yea, well," I pulled away from him and Logan came running into the room. "Mommy!" I picked up Logan and held her tight to my chest. "Hi baby girl, do you want to go to the park today?" she nodded with a big smile on her face, "Do you have to work?" I shook my head, "Not today,"

She peered over at Troy, "Daddy?"

Troy smiled sadly, "I do have to work today, I'm sorry,"

"No, I want Daddy to stay,"

I kissed her forehead and I smiled, "Maybe another day, okay?"

She frowned and Troy kissed her cheek softly, "I love you Logi,"

"I love you too daddy,"

Troy then left to get ready as I let out a breath of fresh air, I went across the hall with Logan as I helped her pick out an outfit for our first warm summer day. She giggled as pre-school graduation was next week so she could advance next year into everyday pre-school. She only had one more year until kindergarten and that made me upset. She twirled around in a dress when my cell phone rang. I picked it up, "Hello?"

"Gabs,"

Cody's warm voice filled me and I smiled, "Hi Cody,"

"How are you holding up?" he asked, his voice concerned with anything that I said. "I am okay, I am going to take Logan to the park today and get some lunch with her before nap time."

"Are you going to the game tonight?"

"No, I don't go back until Friday, I'll fly to catch up with the team in Oakland."

"Troy said he is staying behind this road trip?"

I looked at the wall as I just realized that Troy didn't take the charter plane to LA for this series. "Uh…he didn't tell me." I answered, "He didn't tell you?"

"I have seen Troy for a good five minutes since everything happened, I just needed some breathing space."

"Do you mind if I steal him for a little bit tonight? I need to talk to him."

"That's fine," I answered, "How is Becca?" I could mentally see Cody cringing as the pause was too long. "She is doing okay," I knew that Becca was in her late months of pregnancy, ready to be done but so filled with joy when every morning she felt a foot press against her belly. Every movement being counted as the baby would twist and turn inside of her, almost begging to be released. "Cody, you can be honest. I am so happy for you guys,"

"Thanks Gabi, I know how hard it is for you in the middle of this."

"I am filled with joy that another baby will be apart of this big group."

"Maybe we can have breakfast tomorrow morning? Us three?"

My hairs stood on the top of my arms, I wasn't ready to be in the same room with Troy for that long. I didn't know why but I felt like once we were together for too long everything that was going on now was going to fall apart. He was hugging me like he used to hug me, he was saying my name, and he had this look of anguish behind his eyes that I could sympathize with. We didn't stay together long though because I knew deep down he was angry.

"I don't know Cody,"

"Let me talk to Troy tonight,"

I bit on my lip and just nodded before words would spell out of my mouth, "Okay,"

"Okay," he answered, "Have a good day Gabi,"

"Thank you Cody,"

I hung up the phone as I changed myself and I looked at Logan with a smile, "Come on beautiful! We have things to do!"

Troy's POV

"Troy,"

"Cody," I replied into the phone, "How are you my man?"

"Where do I begin?"

Cody chuckled, "I called Gabi and she is completely fine with me stealing you tonight for a couple of beers,"

"Like she would care all that much, she is barely speaking to me."

"Ouch, well, this is exactly why we are going out tonight. We need to talk."

"Cody, I don't need an intervention."

"I just want to talk Troy, you have this habit of bottling up everything inside of you and becoming really angry and you have a daughter and a wife who is hurting," I started to interrupt but he didn't let me, "Troy, just come to The Bar tonight and let's talk okay? Just you and I."

"Cody…"

"Troy…"

"Fine,"

"How is rehab?" he interjected at the last second, "Boring."

"Figured. I might have to come with you one day."

"I can still kick your ass."

"Whatever,"

I grinned, "I'll see you tonight, 8?"

"Works for me."

"Good, see you then,"

Gabi's POV

I smiled as Logan grinned like a cat as she ran through the park. I breathed in the fresh air and I looked up at the sun in the sky. I absolutely loved this day and it felt good to get out of the house with the person I loved the most.

It was odd because maybe two years ago…it would have been Troy because I always said I loved Logan just as much as Troy. Logan was edging ahead of that and it made me even sadder. "Momma! Look!" I smiled at her with a nod in appreciation as I looked over at Logan again. "Momma, I like your smile," I sat down and I looked at her as I smiled for her, "You do?" she nodded her head and I smiled as I pulled her into my arms.

"I love you so much Logan,"

"Wove you too mama,"

I kissed her cheek, "Look who I found," I turned my head to see Ellie and Mallory. "How did you guys know I was here?"

"When you are upset you love coming here, especially with Logan." I smiled as they sat down on both sides of me, "What are you guys doing here?"

"We heard what happened," Mallory said gently, I looked down in my lap and I nodded my head, "Yea,"

"I wanted to apologize for telling Troy, I was in a hard place…" Ellie said, her face torn, I smiled grimly, "Ellie, he was going to find out either way that night. It just made the process faster." Ellie squeezed my knee gently as Logan came to hug both Ellie and Mallory. "Sweetie, how about you go play on the slides okay?" she nodded running off, "How are you doing?"

"I'm okay. I spent the last couple of nights at my parent's house so I could just let it go and out and be okay by myself. I went back to the house this morning and Logan was so happy to see me that it reminds me of why I keep doing it and why I keep living this life. I see her bright smile and I just fall even more in love with her. I really do love everything about Logan and she makes it worth living." Mallory and Ellie shared a glance gently; "You used to say that about Troy,"

I bit my lip and I shrugged, "Maybe Troy and I aren't perfect for each other."

"Oh Gabi,"

"No, I don't want to hear it. Troy and I are just…"

"You guys are having a rough time right now and it is understandable to be having such a moment." Mallory started, "You have had two miscarriages and a hard time getting pregnant in the past couple of months and he blew his elbow out. You both want something so badly but can't have either making it hard on the both of you."

I rolled my eyes, "We have been through horrible things before,"

Ellie and Mallory both said nothing, "We haven't talked about anything yet."

"Wait…it has been…"

"I wasn't in any state to talk that night and then the past couple of days I have been avoiding him. Now, I saw him this morning and we had a fantastic hug. He held me close and I didn't want to let it go but if it happened to stay that way and we talked, the moment between us would be over because he is pissed off. He hasn't shown us yet because I am still breaking but when we have a moment to talk it will all come out and the fighting will continue."

"That isn't true Gabi, he hurts just as much as you."

"He hurts more because I lied to him again."

"Why didn't you tell him?"

I picked at the grass underneath of my feet as my eyes scanned the property line to make sure I still had my eyes on Logan. Once I found her, my eyes tickled the top of my foot with a piece of grass and I looked up, "I don't know, I figured, since I hid my pregnancy with Logan and that it turned out well that maybe if I just did it the same again then everything would be okay," I started to cry again and Mallory pulled me into her.

"I wanted it to be okay," I babbled, she rubbed my back, "I know you did Gabs,"

Wiping my tears away, I let out a long, deep, breath and I smiled up as Logan came running over. I closed my eyes and then I looked at her again as she wrapped her arms around me, I loved her because she didn't care if there were tears on my face or not.

Troy's POV

I moved through the bar as I spotted Cody towards the back. It seemed to be a slow Tuesday night as Cody spotted me and raised a beer to tell me he got the first round. I slipped onto the seat next to him and he patted my back.

"Here you go, drink up," I took a attentive drink and I looked at Cody, "Can we just rip the Band-Aid off?" Cody seemed pleased and nodded, "What's going on?" I let out a slow breath as I shrugged, "She is hiding things from me. She doesn't tell me when we have conceived a child until after a miscarriage and then goes to her parent's house to get away from me. The first two miscarriages she stayed with me and I helped her. These last two are ruining us."

"Have you talked to her about it?"

I shook my head, "I feel like if we talk about it then our marriage is just going to blow up. She is cold to me and I am cold back to her. We aren't being civil besides the hug that we had this morning. It seemed like a normal hug between us but she still didn't waste too much time hugging me." Cody gave me a sad smile, "You guys are having it rough right now,"

"I know and trying to talk between us is horrible because we are only making it worse."

"I bet."

"How is Becca?" I changed the subject but I knew Cody would almost go straight back to it. "She is fine."

The end of the conversation came a hell of a lot sooner than I wanted it too. "When are you going to talk to Gabi?"

I shrugged my shoulders, "I am really pissed Cody,"

"She is really pissed as well."

I bent down to rub my forehead and I finished off my beer rather quickly after that, requesting a second. I closed my eyes as I let out a low laugh, "And the worst of it, is that I can't throw a baseball to get my frustration out. I have nothing to get the frustration out because I can't throw a damn baseball because my fucking arm decided to be a piece of shit." I laughed again as I just needed to be drunk. I needed to be something else right now because what was going on was not good.

"Dude, didn't running used to help."

"I have been running a lot and that just isn't doing it. I need to throw a baseball and to lose my mind." Cody patted my back, "After work tomorrow, come over to the house with Logan and you can talk to Gabi tomorrow, maybe that will help clear the stress away."

"I don't know it may be too soon."

"Troy, you guys need to work past this."

I chewed on my lip and I thought of Logan, she loved being with Gabi and I together. "Tomorrow, I may do a short PT and then go have lunch with Gabi and Logan."

"Good plan,"

"It is so weird to not be with the team."

"I bet,"

"Cody, I need baseball back."

"You'll get their dude"

I turned my beer in my hands and nodded my head, "One day,"

Wednesday, May 15th, 2024

17-24

Gabi's POV

I folded laundry as Logan was playing in the living room and watching TV. We had a good time yesterday and I knew she enjoyed it herself. I smiled thinking back on the day when the door opened to the garage. I pinned my eyebrows together as Troy was home two hours earlier than normal. I sighed as I dumped soap into the washer and shut the lid.

"Gabi?" he said my name quietly and I knew he was trying to work around me, "In the laundry room," I called, my hair stood up on end because this was different. "Hey," he looked at me and I looked back at him, "Yes?"

"Do you think we can go out as a family today? You, Logan, and I?" I was surprised by it and I slowly nodded my head because I knew Logan would love it. Troy and I would be in the same area for the first time since before the miscarriage and maybe we needed it just as much. "Sure," I offered, "What do you want to do?"

"What did you guys do yesterday?"

"The park,"

He nodded his head and he racked his brain for something Logan would love to do, "We could take her to lunch and the movies?" I glanced at him as that seemed like a safe option, it was safe because not a lot of talking between us could happen, "Or we could take her to the zoo,"

There was nothing like taking Logan to the zoo. She absolutely loved it at the zoo because her eyes would light up and she would talk and talk for hours about each and every animal. Animals were some of her favorite things in the world and she desperately wanted a dog but with baseball season and surprise, having a dog was hard on the family. Skip was easier to care for because he didn't need constant attention.

"Are you thinking the same thing I am?" My eyes found his and he gave me a sad smile, "Lunch and a movie are the safe option between us but the zoo is Logan's favorite thing in the world and that might be scarier for us." His eyes were just as sad as mine were, the anger wasn't there right now and I really liked that it wasn't there right now. "I can't deny Logan the zoo,"

Troy smiled, "I'll go get her ready, and you take your time?" I nodded, as I did want to take my time, I slipped on a pair of skinny jeans with a pair of sandals and a t-shirt that was soft against my skin. I paired it with a scarf and some earrings. Troy came back in and he quietly changed his shirt into a non-sweaty one and a pair of khaki shorts. He turned around to face me and his eyes surveyed my body, "You look good,"

"Thank you," He nodded as Logan came running into the room, "Momma! Are you going to the zoo too?" I smiled as picked her up, "I sure am!" she giggled and I kissed her forehead, "Come on, we need to go grab some other things first." I took her hand and we went down to the kitchen as I grabbed my purse and dumped most of it into a backpack instead. Troy tossed his wallet and picked up his keys as I grabbed Logan a jacket.

Troy slid behind me and I stiffened slightly and he sighed gently, I put water into the backpack and Troy started to zip it up. "I was going to put this in there," he stopped and opened it back up as I put some medication into the bag. "What is that for?" Troy asked, I turned away from him and didn't answer and he read the label and I knew the questions were growing in his head. "Cody asked me to bring Logan over later."

"Oh?"

"Yes, I thought maybe we could talk a little bit." I bit on my lip because I couldn't avoid him forever, "Yea, that's fine. Maybe she can sleep over, she loves doing that and I can get some sleep tonight." He nodded, "Have you been sleeping okay?"

"No, not really."

"Momma, are we ready?"

"Go put your tennis shoes on,"

"No! I want to wear flip-flops,"

"Then we aren't bring the stroller, you'll have to walk it all." She shook her head, "No,"

"Then put your tennis shoes on,"

"No,"

"Logan Brielle,"

She frowned deeper and Troy sighed, "Logan, go put your tennis shoes on like your mother asked,"

"Daddy, no!"

"Logan," his voice was sharp and she pouted as she walked away, "Thank you,"

Once Logan was ready we put her into the car and she was giddy about the trip to the zoo, the meltdown forgotten. Troy and I sat next to each other but I kept my eyes looking out the window and Troy kept the music at a level that meant that neither of us wanted to talk but we could still listen to Logan talk about seeing all of the animals. I smiled listening to her babble and babble over the animals and how she couldn't wait to see the elephants and tigers.

This made the day worth it.

"Daddy, I don't want to walk the bridge." Logan's eyes looked at the long bridge that stretched into the Africa area of the zoo. "Why not?" Troy asked as he stuffed a bite of dippin dots in his mouth. "Because Daddy, it is a long walk."

Troy cracked a smile, "It is but I have to walk it."

"But Daddy, you have longer legs than me."

I couldn't help but smile, "Why do I have to carry you?" Troy asked her, she shrugged her shoulders, and "We have a stroller,"

"I like piggy back rides,"

"Fine, we can do a piggy back ride."

Logan screeched with joy and Troy tossed the trash away. He looked over at me and he smiled as he picked up Logan swinging her on his back. Her legs wrapped around his waist and he held her tight as I pushed the stroller behind them. Logan was giddy all day about having Mommy and Daddy here with her today. Troy looked back at me and he smiled, "Gabs, what's up?"

"What?"

"You look content,"

"I am content. I like watching you two,"

Logan and Troy smiled, the same smile, they had the same damn smile. I gave them a soft smile and Logan leaned over to kiss my cheek. I smiled, as I wanted to hold both of them so close to me. "Daddy, are we going to see the elephants?"

"Of course Logi,"

"And the giraffes?"

"Yes," he answered, "Gorillas?"

"Why wouldn't we?"

"Everything?"

"Everything Logi,"

"Momma?" Troy's eyes flickered to mine, "Everything," I answered, I breathed and Troy gave me a half smile as we continued down the bridge to Africa.

Troy and I had a good day with each other. We got along and smiled and we even held hands for a bit but I knew Troy was distant and I was distant but we enjoyed being with Logan today and having a good time. We had just dropped her off with the Newman's and I was nervous.

Troy was even more distant and I knew his anger was boiling underneath of his skin. I bit down on my lip and when we pulled into the driveway, I unbuckled my seatbelt as the day was long and my body was exhausted. I just wanted to lie down but I knew this conversation needed to happen so we could get it out.

We both walked inside and I began to unpack the backpack, I wasn't but two items into the backpack when he shut the fridge loudly causing me to look up at him. "I don't understand," I breathed, as I knew he would continue when he was ready and he wasn't ready for me to answer him yet. "I don't understand how you can hide something so important from me and how you can decide to just leave your damn family,"

I flinched from the comment and I opened my mouth but he continued, "We have Logan and she asked me several times where mommy was so I just told her that you went to your friends house because you weren't feeling good. She asks question Gabi, she isn't three anymore!"

"Are you going to let me explain or do you just want to yell?" I frowned over at him and his eyes narrowed, "Explain what Gabi? You have done this before and you knew how much it fucking drove me crazy. I hated that you lied to me for weeks and you fucking did it again,"

"I thought this was going to be a civil conversation," I threw back at him, "Maybe this would have been a civil conversation the day after it happened but you waited and my questions grew but you wouldn't even talk to me. Your dad said you barely talked to him, you are talking to nobody and then you just expect our lives to carry on."

"Our lives have been shit anyways," I answered back to him, "We can't have a civil conversation. It has been like that for weeks now."

"Are you blaming me for that?"

"Did I ever say that?"

He looked at me and he then pulled out the medication, "What is this for?" he asked, "I am easily agitated, if you actually ever listened to me then you would know that my doctors thought it would be a good idea to go on those for a little bit to keep me from having a mental breakdown and to end up doing something that I actually don't want to do."

Troy eyed me and he laughed, "Whatever,"

"Troy, if you wanted to yell at me then you might as well continue. Logan is at there house and I would prefer if you would yell at me here instead of in front of her so go head," my eyes stared into his and he rolled his eyes, "no thanks, I think I am going to get ready for bed."

"You do that,"

He started to walk away when he turned around, "Why the hell is it okay for you to hide that but I can't hide my feelings about the Tommy John surgery? How come I am not allowed to hide how I am really feeling right now?"

"I never said you had to tell me Troy! I thought as husband and wife we were supposed to do those things and if you would ever listen to me for ten god damn minutes you would know why I didn't want to tell you about my pregnancy, I would tell you that I was still hurting from the last one and I knew that you blame me for the miscarriages and the lack of children that we have. You blame me and I just don't understand why I want to tell you so that I have to suffer through your looks again, the looks of how painful that I am being your wife."

Troy laughed, "I never blamed you."

"Really? So that conversation on the plane meant nothing."

"I apologized."

"You apologized after letting your real feelings out. You know what Troy; I hope that you are happy with how you are doing everything right now. I appreciate you staying behind with me to make sure I am okay but you yelling at me and being angry with me isn't making me okay. How about you fly and catch up with the team. Logan and I will come out with Alyssa on Friday." Troy looked at me and I could see the fire burning in his eyes, "You know, fine, I'll fly out tomorrow morning."

"Good."

Troy rolled his eyes and he stormed off, my knees buckled as I thought about the smiles we shared at the park and the laughs we shared with Logan. All of that shattered by a gut wrenching truth of the world.

Thursday, May 16th, 2024

17-25

I approached the Newman's door as I knocked gently as I opened it. I chewed on my lip as I heard Anna and Ben running around, Logan's giggle soon followed when Cody came into the hallway. "Hey," I smiled, "Hi,"

"Where is Troy?"

"On a plane to catch up with a team," Cody raised an eyebrow, "Last night went poorly."

Cody frowned, "Why?"

"Because Cody, Troy is angry. I am angry."

"You guys really need to work it out."

"What if we just aren't meant to be?"

Cody started to laugh until he was crying, he looked at me and he shook his head, "You are ridiculous." I shot him a look, "Cody,"

"You and Troy Bolton have this something else even when you are both pissed off at each other. You are ridiculous to think that you aren't meant to be. You guys just have never had a fight to this magnitude because you both are going through a lot of shit right now."

"Well we have a whole lot of nothing going on in our lives. I am flying out tomorrow to Oakland to catch up with the team,"

"Gabs, you need to talk to him,"

"I tried last night but he didn't really care to listen to me."

"Then give it some time and try again, okay?"

I nodded my head, "Fine,"

"Gabs, I hate seeing you both like this. Neither of you are happy because neither of you are happy."

"That makes no sense."

He sighed as Logan wrapped her arms around me, "Come on sweetie, we have to get ready to leave for Oakland,"

"We'll see you guys later."

"Thank you,"

Cody looked at me and he then pulled me tightly into a hug, "I know you are going through hell right now but you can always come to me, you know that right?" I nodded as tears filled my eyes, "Thank you Cody," he squeezed me a little bit tighter, "Thank you," I told him again, "He will wake up one day and know that he has been buried underneath the fact that he doesn't know what to do without baseball in his life."

Hello everybody! I am back from the United Kingdom (I freaking loved it) and I am back into the writing swing. Let's be honest…taking two weeks off did wonders for me! I have more want and faith to write right now and I can't stop which is FANTASTIC for you!

Go check out my new story called Rescue!

Thanks for the love!

xx - Jo

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