Chapter 4: She Screams In Silence

Disclaimers and warnings- See Prologue

"NO! Please! Let me OUT! Don't go! Please! PLEASE! LET ME OUT!"

"all you have to do is say it Sara. You've only been in there for three hours. You know what you want. You're too weak Sara. Too weak. You can't stay there for long, the air's going to run out soon..."

With those last seven words, Sara sobbed harder. Scratching at the door, hyperventilating, she said the words that he knew she would...

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"Where do we go from here?" the team was gathered around a table in the break room. One of the seats was oh-so-obviously empty, and it made Sara's absence more sharper a cut to the night-shift.

Grissom looked at Catherine as she spoke. He heard defeat in her voice. Defeat? Sara had only been gone under 48 hours, but Catherine was ready to let it go. He shook his head.

"We know that we can't get the vehicle. Copies of his face are being shown to members of Sara's apartment building. Fibres just show that he wears something green and polystyrene. However, we have the list of...chloroform dealers. The ones with the white vans they bought are in the clear, but this van is most likely stolen. We need someone to investigate the chloroform buyers within this state."

"gil, what if he was from out of state?"

Grissom looked at Catherine in despair. "Then we're screwed. Just narrow it down, and work from the top."

"We need to back to the apartment." Nicky's voice was monosyllabic. "We need to-uh-uhm-Sara has diaries..."

They all stared at him. Irritation was evident in their eyes. "Nick, why didn't you say anything before?" Catherine asked "we might have found her by now."

"It's-it's-not something that Sara would confess to, but I think those diaries are very personal to her..." Nick tailed off, as Catherine raised an eyebrow.

"Nick's right, although you should have told us sooner." Grissom said unexpectedly. Nick and I will go over to the apartment, and see if there is anything of importance to the case."

"Grissom, I don't see why you can't bring them back here, and we can all-"

Grissom cut right through Catherine "because that would mean invading through all of Sara's private and personal life. Would you like us to go through your possessions, read your thoughts? That's what we'll be doing to Sara, by reading these diaries."

Catherine admitted defeat, and ran her manicured fingers through her hair.

"Warrick and I can go through the list of the chloroform buyers while you do that then"

"What do I do?" Greg asked, an anxious look on his face.

"You go and help in the lab." Grissom's tone called for no protestations on Greg's part.

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Sara was cold. She was freezing cold as she lay in the dark, dingy basement, atop a camp bed that was most likely built in the 1920's. He had laughed once he had finished with her, then pushed her towards it, without giving her any clothes or even a blanket to keep warm. Still, Sara would rather be out here, freezing cold but with plenty of space, rather than crammed into the tiny cupboard with the walls closing in on her. She felt disgusting. And worthless. He told her she'd been in there for 3 hours, but as he pushed her, he grinned "Only lasted 45 minutes sweetheart. And isn't this a more fun alternative?"

She hadn't even held on for one hour. When she was younger she remembered spending upto days in the 'room' determined not to give in...As the time at the foster home increased, so did Sara's fear of the tiny, enclosed space...when they moved her to a new home, she was only managing 15 minutes, then hyperventilating till she asked him to...

Sara tried not to think of it, and instead rubbed her icy limbs to try and keep warm. Sooo cold. She tried to think of tactics to escape. Whether she had to knock him out, or kill him, she would get out.

She would.

She got off the camp bed, and started running he hands over the walls, over the few objects in the room. She felt what seemed to be the edge of the banister leading out of the basement. She moved to run up the stairs quickly, but settled for a slow climb after the pain in her ribs intensified.

Finally reaching the door. She pulled, pushed and even banged her shoulder against it, to try and make it open. It didn't work, it stayed solidly shut.

Sara crumpled to the floor, wishing that she could sob, but her eyes stayed alarmingly dry.

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"Grissom, which one do we start with?" Nick asked as he gestured to the pile of notebooks placed neatly on Grissoms's desk . They had found about 20 or so notebooks, one for every year since 1988, the year Nick knew Sara had been taken into foster care. It made sense to him that she would start recording her memories at this stage, any kid in foster care could tell you how upsetting and confusing it can be. Nick figured, since Sara never verbalized her feelings, she would have written them down.

"I think we should start with the oldest, then make our way to the newest."

Nick wanted to argue, to say that the older notebooks weren't relevant, that they had nothing to do with the case. He didn't want to invade Sara's privacy any more than what they were already doing. But he knew that they were relevant, that any information they could get would help. Sara's apartment held few photo's and next to no memorabilia, so this was the next best thing.

He glanced at Grissom, then they both took a notebook each, Nick with 1988, Grissom with 1989, and sat down with coffee and paper to make notes of things of significance.

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She was climbing a hill, covered in turquoise lilies. Whoever did see a turquoise lily? Sara asked herself. 'Ah well, it is only a dream,' the white terrier running along beside her reminded Sara in a deep voice.

The hill was too high, she knew. She couldn't get to the top. So she turned around and started running down it, making her way back to the bottom, where she saw a wooded forest.

Somehow, she arrived at the edge of the forest, only seconds after being at the top of the hill.'Do I have wings?' Sara felt her shoulder blades. 'No, nothing there.'

She saw something in the woods. Peering into the trees, she saw Debbie Marlin running towards her, picking up speed.

"YOU KILLED ME SARA!" Debbie shrieked, digging her nails into Sara's shoulders "YOU KILLED ME!"

"no, I didn't" Sara was crying hysterically. "I didn't, dad, I didn't."

Her fathers dead eyes peered at her from Debbie's face. Only, it wasn't Debbie's face any more, it was her fathers.

"YOU KILLED ME YOU LITTLE WHORE!"

He turned away from her

Sara turned to try and run away, but fell into a rabbit hole. She wriggled and scrambled, but couldn't get out.

She heard a noise above her.

It was the man. But it wasn't him. It looked like him. But Sara knew it was really the beast, ready to devour her whole.

He looked down on her, grinned, then unzipped his fly. Sara screamed.

"What's the problem honey-pie? You asked me to do this."

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She...
She screams in silence
A sullen riot penetrating through her mind
Waiting for a sign
To smash the silence with the brick of self-control

Are you locked up in a world
That's been planned out for you?
Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?
Scream at me until my ears bleed

I'm taking heed just for you

"She" by Green day

Nick had read through Sara's experiences, had been there with her as she watched her mother stab her father to death, as she remembered going to the E.R's, testifying in court against her mother, finding her brother hanging from a rope in the garage, her first few foster homes where she was looked at like a murderers child, a mini-murderer. Why had she never told him? He could have helped her. Her words screamed in his head, she had suffered and had no help...Her eloquence, and articulacy scared him, Sara, even as a 12 year old, was frighteningly intelligent and perceptive.

It was easy to get lost in her world, easy to imagine the suffering. And finally Nicky felt he understood why Sara was so committed to her work, why she was so ruthless in cases involving domestic violence or child violence.

Grissom's sharp intake of breath made Nicky also realise that maybe Sara's childhood was even worse than he had read in her first year of foster care...

OOOOOOOH! I wonder what they find out! I think we all know that Sara had a VERY bad childhood, but we're going to figure out how bad...oh no!

So, the next few chapters are actually going to just be Sara's diaries, which will hope fully clear things up a bit, and maybe a little splash of Nick and Gil's reactions to the diaries...I also sense a conflict with either of ecklie or catherine...and just as a warning...the diaries will be pretty gruesome and all that jazz, so please don't read if you will get upset, cos I don't want people to get upset by my story! Ok, well take care peeps, Sugar xoxoxoxoxo