Chapter 5: Diaries - Haunted
Warning and Disclaimer : see chapter 1
Grissom's sharp intake of breath made Nicky also realise that maybe Sara's childhood was even worse than he had read in her first year of foster care...
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Nick flipped the first diaries page open:
"January 19th 1988:
I don't know what I'm writing...the child-psychologist said that I needed to write what I thought, if I couldn't say it. I hate her. She says that i must be sad about mom and dad, but I'm not. I hate moving around, and people look at me so funny, but I never have any pain any more. I haven't been to the doctors in like, five months. Edd says that I should be sad, he is, but I don't care. He's mean to me, he always hits the back of my head and calls me 'rug-chewer.' that's not even insulting. He's an idiot.
Illeana isn't really my friend at school any more, she said to Kate that her mom doesn't want me mixing with her. And Kate said I was a geek. I hope she spontaneously combusts."
Here Nick smiled. He could hear Sara's voice saying that. Only she would say she wasn't a geek, then use a geeks threat...
"my teachers in school are all nice to me, I don't like it. Before, when I argued, they'd give me into trouble, but now they just smile...its so annoying. My current foster person (i hate saying foster-mom, how stupid is that? They say 'we're not trying to take your mommy's place Sara darling, then expect me to call them 'mom' whatever.) she is really nice. The other girls here though, they annoy me. They all leave me out because I'm younger, and they say I'm immature. HAHA. They'll ask me for help soon, Carlie failed her Chemistry exam and needs tutoring. HAHA. Why are all foster kids so dumb? It's stupid. All they do is party. Tommy told me I had a nice smile today, but then asked if I was going to get braces. Yeah right, I don't think anyone would pay for me to get braces. I heard they're really expensive."
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Nick read through Sara's days, noticing that only days of significance were written about. He read about her first crush, her first period, her favourite jeans, and the multiple science experiments. He read how much she hated moving around but how she preferred it to "beatings. Using my hair as an ashtray. Hearing mommy cry. All of it." then he flipped to one entry, one that chilled him to his bones.
"November 12th 1989:
Today was a bad day. Aunty Nikki brought me back to the house, then realised that she had to pick some milk up at the store. Why do they always run out of food at these foster homes? She gave me the keys to the garage, and told me to let myself in that way, because my shoes would make a mess in the hall. So she drove away, then I went into the garage. It felt funny even before I got in there. When I pushed the door up, it wouldn't go all the way. It kept banging into something, so I went in and turned on the light switch. Edd was purpley-blue, and he had a rope around his neck. I thought he was joking so I went over and hit his foot. He had Nike's on, the ones Dad bought him. He was warm. I tried to pull him down, but I couldn't. In Sports lesson, everyone laughed because I had puny thin arms. Edd was swinging a bit. I didn't know what to do, so I went inside and phoned 911, and told them my brother had died.
Then Aunty Nikki got back and she started screaming...I don't remember what happened after that until a lady came round. She told me she was my new social worker and she was moving me. Aunty Nikki said to her "I can't have that child here. She gives me the creeps, and while its bad her brother did this, I can't have her upsetting all the other children." then Therese said something, and Nikki shouted that I was weird, and I wasn't even sad about Edd doing that.
I am sad. But not very. Edd was mean, he always hit me, and I don't think he was very happy any ways. He got into lots of trouble. I want to know what foster home I am going to now..."
Nick recognized the disassociation technique that Sara had used when she found her brother. However, he was willing to bet that the social worker and the foster mom didn't. Calling Sara weird within her earshot though, that was inexcusable.
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"November 13th 1989.
I'm at a really nice place this time. Mrs and Mr Bounton, their son, and three other girls. Their son is quite old and he is not there a lot, I think. He doesn't like me, I saw him glare at me when I arrived. Mrs Bounton is very quiet, but she told me that I could call her Annie, or Aunt Annie, which ever I prefer. Mr Bounton was really nice too, He told me to call him 'pops' and he kept smiling at me, which i found a little bit disconcerting, but I think that's how he makes friends with people. I don't know. I have my OWN ROOM, I don't have to share! Leya and Elizabeth have to share, those are the other two girls, 'pops' made them share a room when they found out I was coming. Sandra the other girl, also has her own room, but it isn't as nice as mine. It smells really weird. Like really weird. A bit like mom and dads room, which I don't think is good. I think she cuts herself, which is why it smells funny, because I saw her reaching for bread at dinner, and her sleeve slid down. Her arm was all cut up, but Annie and Pops didn't notice. Jayden, their son, just laughed at her. She's the one who is closer to me in age, she is fourteen, and I think I will be better friends with her than with Leya and Elizabeth as they are pretty young, 8 and 9. Sandra doesn't like Annie, and she is scared of pops. I don't know why.
Pops is a bit odd though. He smacked my butt when we were going off to bed, but he was just joking because he laughed when I jumped, like 4 foot in the air! He did it to Sandra too, but she didn't do anything. I was really confused when Annie came and gave me a hug when I was in bed, because she was crying. I didn't see her, but she made my shoulder all damp. I think that she and pops have arguments, because I heard him shout at her. But they don't hit each other, so i think they are normal. Pops came and gave me a hug too, I think this family is good because they care about each other. I like people caring about me and hugging me. Maybe they'll adopt me and I can stay here forever."
Nick frowned at the diary. To him, it sounded like the foster home was a little, well, odd to be honest. He read on after this entry, seeing things that the teenage Sara did not, the things that flew by her. He could sense the under-current of the foster home, the one Sara was happily surfing atop of. When she described Sandra's attitudes, and after school, walking in on her and a craft knife, Nick felt queasy. He knew what was happening, and he could gaze into the crystal ball, the diary in his hands, and almost predict what may have happened...
"December 16th 1989
Okay, things here are pretty cool. Pops is so awesome, I wish he was my dad, my real dad. He takes me out on 'date days' like to ice-hockey games, or movies. Once he even took me clothes shopping, and told me what he thought of all the outfits I put on! I normally hate stupid clothes, but he made it fun! He is so nice! Elizabeth and I both go to dance classes, which I hate because I always fall over myself and i have no co-ordination WHATSOEVER. But Elizabeth is so cute, she does it all so perfectly! But when I say I want to quit, pops gets a really sad look on his face and goes "please keep it up princess, it is all worth it in the end." and he says since I want to get a college scholarship to Yale or Harvard, a good background will make me look better. So I'm going to stick to it!
I'm a little bit worried about Sandra. I know she is cutting herself more and more, and she never talks any more...when she does, it isn't really her, its all monotone, and stuff. I think she doesn't eat enough, because she has gotten more and more and more thin. At her birthday party last month, she only had a tiny slice of her cake. And I think she hated all her presents. I got her this book on stars and stuff, cos she loves space and all the things about it, and she barely smiled. I thought she would be crazy happy when pops gave her a mini telescope thingy, but she looked sad. She acts so weird around pops, I think she might be a bit scared of him...hmmmm...Annie is getting more fluttery by the day, she is always hanging around me (which I know is mean of me to say) and it really annoys me when I am doing homework or reading. I swear to god, I'm surprised she lets me go to the bathroom alone!
I love school so much! Physics sciences and Chemistry are so good this year, my teacher is so cool. He's kind of cute too...All the guys in my year suck, they are either jocks, or weird (i mean they have runny noses, and wear their pants really high on their waists and stuff.) some guys are kinda cool, my friends Brian and Sean are great. We always sit in the library for lunch, which everyone makes fun of us for, but I don't care. This awful jock, Laurie, who pinches girls butts and makes dirty jokes, asked them if I was their "whoe" (i think thats how its spelt) right in front of them. I didn't get what he said, so I asked Sandra and she told me. Thats disgusting. Do I look like a prostitute? I hate Laurie, he's such a jerk. He said he wants to kick Brians ass after school, for like no reason. I hate boys. Urgh."
After this, the diary was finished. Nick looked up to see Grissom staring into space, a look of semi-catatonia on his face.
"Grissom?"
"Nick, I think- I think its really best if I read these, you can go and help Catherine and Warrick."
"Uhm, o.k..."
Nick was non-plussed as he agreed to Grissoms suggestion. He turned and looked at the entomologist as he walked out the lab, and Nick saw a look of pain shoot across Grissom's face.
Nick knew what was in those diaries from that second onwards. Grissom was trying to protect him. And Sara. He knew Sara would rather Grissom read them than he did. Nick left the office to join Warrick and Catherine.
"Hey Nicky, whats up?"
"Grissom asked me to help..."
"ok...god we're so lucky that the lab's pretty slow tonight, we only had one DB! Greg went out to the scene, so maybe you could go out and check up on him?"
Nick knew Catherine wanted him out of the way, but he happily obliged to go. Grabbing a kit, he made his way to his car.
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Long lost words, whisper slowly, to me
Still can't find what keeps me here
And all this time I've been so hollow inside
And I know you're still there
Holding me
Killing me
I won't let you hold me down
Saving me
Raping me
Watching me
"Haunted" by Evanescence
Grissom couldn't believe the things he was reading in the diary of 1989. He knew people did these things to kids, how could he not, when working in forensics? He had, however, never really thought on what it was like for the child, what it would have been like. It made him ache to think of his Sara going through these things.
"January 28th 1990
I'm freaked out. Really freaked out. I was having my shower before bed, and when I stepped out from behind the curtain, pops was there. I was so embarrassed, I didn't even have my clothes on, and he was just standing there staring at me. I couldn't even reach the towel, it was behind him, I sort of screamed and covered myself as best I could. He was just standing there, looking at me. I thought maybe he wanted past so he could get in the shower, but he knew I was in there, I told everyone so they would come in. there are no locks on the bathroom door. He grabbed me and pushed me on the seat, and I started screaming, then he put his hand on my mouth and said if I didn't shut up, he was going to belt me. I saw him do that to Elizabeth once, when she had stolen the cookies, and I was so scared, so I didn't make any noises, and nodded my head. It was gross, he stuck his slimy tongue in my mouth. I felt so sick. Then he moved his hand, and I said no, but he said that he needed to check that I hadn't done it, which I hadn't cos I'm only thirteen for gods sake, and I said that but he hit my face so I shut up. It was so sore. He left when I started crying. I feel so dirty and gross. When I came out of the bathroom, Annie was standing down the hall. I was about to speak when she looked at me and shook her head, then mouthed 'no' at me. Then she went into her bedroom. So now I'm in bed, and I wish that I could get away from here. I think that Mr Bounton is a Paedophile. But no body would believe me, would they?"
"March 5th 1990
I wish I was dead. I think I've just been raped. But I know I haven't, I asked him to do it. What do I do?"
Grissom froze when he read this short diary entry. What did she mean, she asked him? No one asked for that. Oh god, little Sara. He couldn't breathe, his chest was getting tighter and tighter. He dry heaved into the waste paper basket next to him. Sara. He knew she had a rough childhood. He knew about her parents. But why hadn't she told him about this? WHY? He didn't want to go on reading, but at the same time, he did.
"March 18th 1990
He tried to do it again. He locked me in the cupboard when i pushed him off, and said no. he told me he would let me out when I said it. I was in there for ages. But I couldn't breathe. I need to tell someone about this. I tried to talk to Annie, but she just muttered something and walked away. Sandra has left. That means it's just me. I hate him I'm so scared. Jayden knows about it. He was home when I was locked in the cupboard, he heard my screaming. I know because he spoke to mr Bounton when he was standing outside the door, and Mr Bounton told him to fuck off. I hate them. Mr Bounton says it turns him on when I scream, so I try to be calm when he locks me in there, but I can't. I really can't. I need to get away from here."
"July 3rd 1990"
It's been happening for months now... at least twice a week. I can't do anything, no one will believe me. I have awful bruises all along my hips. I tried to tell my physics teacher that something was happening, but Mrs Clements just said that she would talk to me after lunch. I knew from that second that no one would really believe, and that I shouldn't say anything. So i didn't do anything. Corey Browns was flirting with me in class, but when he touched the edge of my jumper, I literally threw myself away from him. It scared me so much. I know that if I don't say anything, he will keep doing it to other people after I leave and me until I leave, but I can't say anything."
"July 20th 1990"
My stomach really hurts. I told him that I had a really bad period, so he would leave me alone, but he just laughed, and pushed me against my dresser. I haven't had my period for three months. Annie took me to the doctors when I told her. I don't know what it was, I was scared, because I though I might have been pregnant. We did a video on it in biology last week, and it says that what happens if you are pregnant. But I amn't thank god, the lady doctor was so nice, she told me that I had prinmary amenorrhoea because I was too skinny. She asked me if I had an eating disorder, but I said no because I don't. She saw the bruises on my hipbones, and asked me if I needed to tell her anything, but I said no. I just couldn't do it. I could keep my top on though, during the exam thingy, so she didn't see my cuts."
Grissom had suspected that Sara had self-mutilated when she was younger. He remembered seeing faded scars all over her arms when she wore short sleeved tops, and he had felt the tiny ridges when he hugged her after she told him about her family, but he had never asked. He had always subconsciously wondered why she had done it, if she truly had done it.
"September 19th 1990"
My birthday was good, I guess. I got a lot of presents from Him, but I know that it means I will have to repay Him later...I was put in the cupboard four times last week. I hate it.
"September 25th 1990
I saw Therese today. She said that I was moving homes, as there was one closer to my school than this one. From here, I have to spend half an hour travelling in the car with Him, while he feels me up through my pants, or under my top. I can get away. I'm going to be safe."
Grissom breathed out in relief. He wanted to cry, but to punch somethingat the same time. He knew it wasn't so much for a happy ending, but at least she had escaped her paedophile foster 'pops'...