Chapter 6: Diaries – Sullen Girl

Warnings and Disclaimers- See prologue

Grissom breathed out in relief. He wanted to cry, but to punch something at the same time. He knew it wasn't so much for a happy ending, but at least she had escaped her paedophile foster 'pops'...

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

"September 26th 1990.

New foster home. New life. I feel so alive. I feel empty. I don't know what I am: I feel so confused, so conflicted. Haha, mybe I'm going mad. My real mom's in a psych ward, I went to see her...being around crazy people makes me feel crazy...

The place I'm at right now, its only tempoary. I'll only be here a week. I don't see much point in talking to these people. People just fuck you, then fuck you, if you get what I mean. Aha. First sexually, then, well, I don't really know what I mean by the second. I mean they screw you over. Why is it all about sex?

I love my school right now. I can read in peace, study, learn. I want to know everything about everything.

"We have a hunger of the mind which asks for knowledge of all around us, and the more we gain, the more is our desire; the more we see, the more we are capable of seeing." My favourite quote right now, Maria Mitchell.

I want to know why we do the things we do, the how and the where. I love physics, I love to toy with the idea that in places what may go up, may not come down. If I know enough, maybe I will be whole again. I could twist things to suit me, to bend the rules.

But...aha...in addition to this, there is a nice guy in my physics class, he's new this year. I don't know what he's like, but he sits next to me and he seems shy...he seems so pure...he has a lopsided smile, and grey eyes that crinkle. We ate lunch together. I don't eat much anymore...but when I'm with him, I feel safe."

Grissom's heart tugged as he thought of teenage sara in love. It seemed so helpless, but he was amazed at how she pulled herself away from her old situation, and applied her mind somewhere else.

"October 16th 1990

New foster home. Not worth mentioning.

Jamie, from my physics class, he's amazing. I think I'm in love with him. He walked me home, and we made out for about an hour behind the hedge in front of the house, where no body could see us. It feels so pure. My friend, Jess, says that we're too young to be in so deep, but it's so consuming. I can't go a day without seeing him, he can't go a day without seeing me. He held my hand when I was getting my tatoo done. I love it so much. It's a tiny symbol on my left thigh, it's arabic for 'escape' I have escaped, I feel renewed. We haven't slept together yet. I know I'm too young, but hey, I thought I was too young for a tatoo! I only recently turned 14, but Jamie's 15, and he's never done it with anyone...I haven't told Jamie about 'him', I know he would think that I was a dirty slut if I did. It was my fault anyway, so its not like I can go scream 'rape!' to the police anyway...

October 31st 1990

It's Jess's halloween party tonight, her mom and dad are going out to a resteraunt for a full evening dinner, so we all have the house to ourselves for like, six hours. Jamie can't go, but I sorta don't care, I feel to hemmed in, too claustrophobic...I'm going as a fairy. It's gonna be so much fun!"

"November 1st 1990

What did I do? Oh god, I feel so bad. I woke up this morning in Jess's basement sofa with a random guy ontop of me. I hate myself. I think I slept with him, because I couldn't find my panties when I got up. I crept through the side door to the foster home, the foster mother saw me, but she just nodded at me. No one cares if I come home at 7am with booze on my breath, and my make-up smudged, because, well lets face it, why should they? I'm a mess. I feel so empty.

Is that why they call me a sullen girl - sullen girl.
The dont know I used to sail the deep and tranquil sea.
But he washed me shore and he took my pearl -
And left an empty shell of me.

And theres too much going on.
But its calm under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion.

"sullen girl" by fiona Apple

"November 29th 1990

I'm at a new foster home. The old one said that they couldn't cope with a, and I quote, "tearaway teenager" The mother here seems nice, she calls me honey. The dad is very twitchy and quiet, I think he's scared of me. Their son, is another matter altogether. He's tall, sexy, and he has the biggest stash of coke I've ever seen. He's about 17, and his name is Baz...how unfortunate...I aced the physics test, it was too easy. I think the teacher might like me, he put his hand on my lower back when he cheked my experiment. I know I'm not an utter dog, I've slept with like five guys, but the term 'slut' comes to mind. He was right. I am a slut. I don't care, what else have I got to live for? Sex, drugs and Nirvana. It all runs into one...I cut my arm so deeply, but I think I understand why Sandra did it. It's such a buzz, the feeling that you're doing what goes against the laws of all human nature, that its wrong but so right."

"December 3rd 1990

It's a record, they threw me out after four days. The mother caught me in the bedroom with her son. She found the drugs, he blamed it on me. Whatever. She marched me down to the kitchen once I had got all my clothes on, then hissed in my face "You're so out of here, you can rot in the streets for all I care. I WILL NOT have you corrupting my son, you little Jezabel." Jezabel? What is this, the 1900's? I laughed in her face and told her I'd be happy to leave. Packed my stuff, gave Baz a great wet smooch on the lips, and told him I'd phone him...I've never done coke before last night, and I think that I'd like to do it again. I have like, no money though, so i guess I'll just have to sleep with him until I get some."

"January 27th 1991

Aced exams again. Duh. I got my belly button done last week, it hurt like a fucking bitch. Since then I've been drinking to numb the burn in my stomach. It got infected, so I cleaned it out with vodka, I was crying by the time I had finished! I look like such a rocker-esque punk now, since I have my tongue and my ears and my belly button done. Even though I don't look the part, I am sooooo the dorkiest kid in school...the teachers mostly love me! Mr sanderson, my physics teacher, has held me back like three times after class to discuss moving up a physics class, but I know that's not what he wants. They all want the same thing. He was standing behind me, and breathing on my neck. I could sense him smell my hair. I wondered if we would just fuck right there and then, or if he'd wait. He's not that old-maybe about thirty, but he's hot for thirty! I bet he's like a closet phaedophile, but they all are really. Look at the runway models. Long skinny legs, big eyes, soft hair, pouty lips, and without make-up they'd probably look like very tall children! All their attributes, physically, are not disimilar to kids. It makes me fucking sick.

"February 14th 1991

I fucked him. He asked me if I wanted to go over any notes with him since I've started taking the higher classes, and I said that I would. Then I was really coy, hinting about this and that, then he looked at me and said "You're a very pretty girl Sara. Do you have a boyfriend?" I said to him "Nope, just crushes and fucks. I don't believe in emotions" I knew we would do it, what guy would say no to no-strings-attached-sex? I just want to fill the hole that He left. Anyway, Mr Sanderson just kissed me right there. He tried to get me to go into the supply cupboard, but I went mad, and told him that if he really wanted to fuk me, he would do it where I wanted to. So we did it on top of my desk. Then, in the backseat of his car when he drove me home to the foster family."

"February 28th 1991

We did it again. He's the best guy that I've ever slept with. He told me, aftter we'd finished, that I was too young to be so adult. I just lay in his arms and cried the rest of the night. Whats wrong with me? He asked me why I was crying and stroked my hair. I felt so loved, so cared for, but so empty. I told him, I couldn't stop myself. Once I'd finished, he hugged me stiffly and said that it would be okay, then he went to the bathroom. I left then, he didn't love me. I loved him. He loved fucking, not me. No body would ever be interested in the real Sara Sidle, in my personality. I guess I'm just good as a whore."

"May 12th 1991

I saw Elizabeth. She was down at the movies, I was there with Callie and Jorje, and I heard this little voice behind me go "Sara?"

I whirled around, and it was Elizabeth! God, she was was pretty now.

"ELLIE! Wow, you look so different! So grown up!" she was only 12 years old, but she looked like she'd seen too much.

"So do you Sara." she smiled "are you still in care?"

"yeah. Are you still with, uh, them?" I couldn't say the name.

"No I was moved just after you."

"right. Um, good. Do you ever hear from Sandra or Leya?"

"No...Sandra, I heard she, uhm, tried to kill herself..."

"Oh. thats too bad."

I said goodbyes and turned away to leave.

"Sara?" she pulled the corner of my leather jacket "I'm sorry I never...I never stopped him...I'm so sorry...we didn't understand."

"He didn't...to you?"

"No...He was, uh, pretty pissed after you left...he just hit Annie and Jayden around a bit. He left me and Leya alone..."

"thats good...I'm glad that you were okay."

I walked away from her, I went to my friends.

"June 2nd 1991

I got a job down at this car mechanic place. Basically, I'm the till girl. And the stock girl. And the one that occasionally entertains the customers if toby, the owner, is late in, and no-one else is around to fix the cars. All these guys come in, like punky guys, they're all cool. They usually have pot on them. This totally awesome guy, Mike Madden, I've met up with him a couple of times with him and his friend Brian. Mikes pretty hot, he always has drugs or alchol. He asked me about the cuts on my arms. My eyes were prickling, he actually cared. I really like him.

August 30th 1991

I don't have a foster home right now. Therese can't find anywhere with space, and no body wants to take on a "tearaway teenager" I have to stay at this hostel place, it's so gross. I'm surrounded by other teenage fuckups though, so there's always drugs and alchol. And at least everyone here is fucking interesting, y'know? I'm such good friends with this girl Esme, she's really similar to me. She doesn't go to school though, so when I off fucking packing my bag like a good little girl, shes off smoking a joint, or fucking one of the so called 'staff' I feel really bad for her, she can't get anything to do with school, it just doesn't go in her head. She's one of the few people that I told about Him, and she totally got what I said when I told her about nobody caring about what He did. I don't know. Es is cool."

"September 3rd 1991

FUCK! I think I'm pregnant."

At this point, Grissom slammed the notebook shut. He couldn't read about Sara destroying herself any longer. He didn't think that Sara was the typical screwed up teen junkie-lush. He just didn't think she would have such a low opinion of herself. He couldn't read the story of little miss Sara Sidle, the girl who grew up too fast. It hurt him. But he felt so proud of her. Sara had been to hell and back, she had pulled herself out of the sinking sand. He needed to get her back, so he could tell her what she meant to him, he could help her. He loved her. He wasn't one of those people that would use and abuse...

Yes he was.

He knew, HE KNEW, that Sara had fallen or him several years ago, and since then he had been awkward round her, brushing her away like she didn't matter. Then when she dated Hank, he was intentionally cruel to her, and rejoiced within himself when Hank hurt Sara so much.

Grissom may not have used, but he had certainly abused...he had just done it in a way that didn't leave the bruises and scars.

He opened the book

"September 4th 1991.

I'm not pregnant anymore. I did the test, and it was positive. So I fell down the stairs and landed on my stomach. On purpose. I'm a murderer."

"September 20th 1991

WOO! I'm fifteen! One year until I can graduate, hopefully, I can get early acceptance...I have aced every test I ever did. Therese has a home for me too! She says that I'll be happy there, that I need to be, or else, I'll just have to stay at the hostel for another year. I can't do that. I can't. I will stay at this home."

"September 21st 1991

I'm back with the Bountons.

Therese's car stopped in front of their house, and I froze. I couldn't get out. Therese shouted at me to hurry up, and I got out the car. I was frozen in time. I don't know how to explain it any better. I knew I was walking straight into Dante's seventh circle, special admittance, but I couldn't turn away. Therese knocked on the door, and seconds later, it was flung open by Him.

"PRINCESS! I knew you would come back to us!" I heard the undertone in his voice. He knew I hadn't told. He knew. Therese smiled, then hurriedly said goodbye.

I didn't even have time to reply before she was down the path and in her car. I turned and faced him. He grabbed my arm.

"soooooooo nice to have you back, little miss sidle. Why you have grown up." he leered at me, and I felt him slip his hand down the backside of my jeans, and pinch my ass.

He tugged my arm with his other hand.

I walked forward into the jaws of the beast.

"September 22nd 1991

Cupboard. He said I'd never get away. Then when I asked, he came in. I tried to punch him, and run, but he squeezed my throat until I passed out. When I woke up, I was still in the cupboard, but without my clothes."

"September 23rd 1991.

He saw me making out with a guy after school, in the play-yard. He put me in the cupboard. Then he belted me. He saw my cuts, and told me how much he missed 'Sandy.'

"September 24th 1991

Cupboard"

"September 25th 1991

Cupboard."

"Spetember 26th 1991

He didn't bother with the cupboard this time. He didn't even have to. This is my fault."

Grissom read through many entries taht were almost Carbon copies of this. After about three months, he felt numb with sorrow, and anger. He read of Sara's acceptance of the situation, her fear, her self-hatred, her self-recrimination. He read it all.

Gil Grissom had never felt so sick in his life.

Finally, he reached the date, July the first, 1993

"I'm out. I was accepted to Harvard early. Im away. I want to leave and never look back. They have stripped me of my personality. I have to start from the the roots, and grow a new one now..."

Grissom was just glad to reach her university years, seeing erratic updates, mostly notes on physics.

He read on quickly, seeing nothing of relevance to her situation.

He read until his eyes were tired, and his head throbbed. Then gil grissom fell asleep, his head landing on a pile of written emotions, the emotions of the person he loved with all he had, his heart, his soul, his everything...

I doubt that I'll update before saturday...mabye friday night... Im sooo fucking tired, I've been writing two chapters a night. Ridiculous. Im such a dork. please review me, I have literally like, 25 times more hits than I do reviews. please feed me with more revies! Im HUNGREE! haha, well will update on fri! take care, xoxoxoxox