Chapter 12: Suffering

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."
- C.S. Lewis

A/N: Hey there everyone thanks for all the support so far. This chapter is full of angst so I'll pre-warn you. It's my way of setting up something bigger to come. So enjoy!

To say things were complicated would be the understatement of the entire year. Amanda had hoped that Olivia would get better over time but she seemed to stay in a continuous circle, she was depressed and couldn't get herself out of this cycle.

Although things were the hardest they had ever been the couple had stayed together and if anything they were stronger than they ever believed they could be. Throughout the hard past month, Olivia had given Rollins a key to her apartment and they had shortly moved all of the blonde's belongings into Benson's comfortable abode.

The blackouts had been coming and going, they weren't as prominent as they had been but Amanda was still fearful. There must have been a trigger, something that made them come back after all of those years. The doctors had no idea why when she was a child but she was only young so she couldn't even remember herself.

"Rollins," Cragen said from above the chattering in the precinct, "It's 1:45."

The junior detective looked up from her paperwork and nodded to her captain. She was supposed to be going to her hospital appointment at 2. Grabbing her coat she made her way to the exit but was stopped by Olivia in the hallway. She'd been called out with Amaro on some case downtown and Rollins had secretly prayed she could get away before the pair had come back.

"Where are you going?" Benson called after her girlfriend as she realised she had walked past her.

"Hospital." The blonde smiled meekly to the woman. Little did Olivia know…

"I'll drive you." Benson nodded to Amaro and she walked into the elevator with Amanda.

The blonde put her head down. Their relationship was on a rough patch; Olivia with her built up grief over Casey and what with Amanda's fainting.

They hadn't made love for at least a month maybe longer and although their lives together weren't focused on the sex it was nice to have a release once in a while. Or at least be intimate, something which hadn't happened for what seemed like forever.

"No, no it's fine Liv. It's just gonna be scans and everything like it usually is. You'll only be sat in the waiting room." Amanda smiled to her girlfriend.

"Yeah but I haven't been there for one of them, I feel like I'm missing out or I'm not there for you." Benson reached for Amanda's hand and intertwined their fingers. "You can't keep going alone."

As much as the blonde was happy for this tiny piece of comfort she knew it couldn't last. "Liv look. I'll be gone an hour if not less. I'll be back before you know it." She smiled again at Olivia before she kissed her on the cheek and vanished through the doors.

The blonde looked around her; everything seemed so peaceful, so serene. It made her feel guilty. She looked down for the twelfth time in the past five minutes and placed the bunch of flowers down in front of her.

"I'm sorry Casey; you're just the only one I could ever talk to. Without you here I can't even function around Liv, it's like our world is falling apart. Each day a piece is chipped off and before you know it there won't be anything left of us." Rollins looked at the headstone. "I know what you'd say. Stop lying to her and tell her the truth. I just don't know how. If she found out well maybe that would be the end of us."

Rollins felt a tear drizzle down the side of her face as she traced the letters of Casey's name on the slab of stone. "I miss ya Casey…We all do."

"So only three perps? How many of them actually have evidence at the scene?" Olivia asked Fin as she walked up and eyed the suspects' photos.

"Not sure yet, Melinda's sorting it out for us now." Fin replied as he watched Benson. Even he had realised Liv's sudden obsession with the case surrounding Novak and how she'd seemed to cut off everyone. Most importantly Rollins.

"Well how about you call her and tell her to hurry up on that? We don't have all the time in the world!" Liv exclaimed as she brushed her hands through her hair and threw her pen forcefully down onto a desk.

"That's where you're wrong Liv," The brunette whirled on her feet to see Cragen stood behind her, "We have all the time in the world that's why you're taking the rest of the week off you need a break. We all do."

Benson stepped forward, "I don't think that's a wise idea Captain."

"And I don't care what you think that's an order." The older man stared at the detective before she eventually caved in and walked out of the precinct. Fin looked to Amaro and the two both noted Olivia's aggressiveness towards Cragen, it wasn't like Liv. She needed help and they weren't the ones to give it to her.

Benson led on her couch; she stared up at the ceiling. Her mind was blank, blank of emotions, of passion, of anything. She hadn't felt for such a long time that she thought she was going crazy. The only way she could describe it, was she was numb. And of all people she knew it probably wasn't helping her relationship with her girlfriend, what with her not wanting to talk.

Olivia shook her head, Amanda was going through enough with her black outs, she really didn't need this sort of emotional torture to go with it.

A key rattled in the door and Olivia looked to the door as the alluring Detective Rollins strolled through and into their apartment. The two smiled at each other as their eyes met and the blonde went straight to their bedroom to change.

"I'm going to make dinner, what do you fancy?" Amanda called from the back of the apartment. Benson sat upright, "I don't mind sweetie." She tried her best to sound enthusiastic about the kind gesture but all she could think about was Casey in that alleyway.

The blonde walked back in, "Well, how about Italian? Mexican? I could even make Indian but that's not exactly the best idea after last time." She chuckled to herself but Olivia had made no reaction to any of her options.

The younger woman sighed, "Look Liv I've had enough of this! Would you please just talk to me! I can't deal with all this angsty silence, it's tearing us apart."

"I know." The brunette looked down, she was so guilty it was unreal how consumed she felt.

"You know? Well why don't you do something about it then? Hmm? You're just sat there all the freakin' time, not talking! I love you Liv but this isn't easy for me…" She turned away and walked into the bedroom.

"I know it's not easy but I don't know how to get better!" Benson sort of shouted back at her girlfriend, all this built up stress and anger was beginning to explode from the both of them.

"See a counsellor; I don't know I'm not a doctor! Just stop feeling sorry for yourself and talk to me! We're supposed to be a team and it seems a little one sided right about now." Rollins screamed back, her emotions were boiling over. Her loneliness and her anger just seemed to erupt from within her.

"Is that what you think? I feel sorry for myself, do I? One of my best friends just died." Benson shook her head as her breathing intensified.

"You think I don't know that Liv? Change the record already or at least talk to me!" Rollins used her hands to express herself as she paced their bedroom. "What's the point in being together if we can't talk?"

"Yeah what is the point?" Olivia asked, looking solemnly at her girlfriend. She instantly regretted the words as soon as they had left her mouth.

Amanda stood mouth agape with incredulity, "Wow Liv…just wow."

A/N: Well Liv just put her foot in it right? I just wanted to explain that that chapter was purely about the strains on the relationship between them. But don't worry it will get a whole lot better soon. So why do you reckon Amanda's skipping her appointments to go to Casey's grave? And how long will it be until Olivia gets back to her old badass self? Let me know with a review! Thanks.