To Know The Man

by OnyxIvyStone

Can we ever really know someone? Is there a way to see into their hearts and minds and pasts and understand what has made them who they are? Kagome is going to learn that the key to Sesshomaru's soul is what rests in the shades of what came before.

19. Chapter 19

I do not own Inuyasha. Not mine. Never will be.

A Distant Voice in the Darkness

(From "Keramos")

… … … … …

Turn, turn, my wheel! This earthen jar

A touch can make, a touch can mar;

And shall it to the Potter say,

What makest thou. Thou hast no hand?

As men who think to understand

A world by their Creator planned,

Who wiser is than they.

… … … … …

Turn, turn, my wheel! 'T is nature's plan

The child should grow into the man,

The man grow wrinkled, old, and gray;

In youth the heart exults and sings,

The pulses leap, the feet have wings;

In age the cricket chirps, and brings

The harvest home of day.

… … … … …

Turn, turn, my wheel! What is begun

At daybreak must at dark be done,

To-morrow will be another day;

To-morrow the hot furnace flame

Will search the heart and try the frame,

And stamp with honor or with shame

These vessel made of clay.

… … … … …

Stop, stop, my wheel! Too soon, too soon

The noon will be the afternoon,

Too soon to-day be yesterday;

Behind us in our path we cast

The broken potsherds of the past,

And all are ground to dust at last,

And trodden into clay!

Longfellow

The boards in the floor were creaking slightly as he continued to pace in his study. His brother was perched on the railing of the Western balcony, overlooking the sea and the setting sun. Kouga, for all his usual boisterous annoyance, was keeping silent, sulking in the corner. Shippo and the monk, Miroku, had not looked up from their hands after staring daggers at each other for nearly an hour after they'd left Rin's chambers and retired to Sesshomaru's study. Kohaku had gone to patrol. He didn't know what the secret plan was and did not intend to ask. He was loyal to the Western Taiyoukai without question and so, even after realizing he'd been kept in the dark as to the master gambit for their final battle with Naraku, he did not even begin to ask why or to protest when he'd been asked to walk the grounds.

She had shut him out. In his own palace, she had shut him out. She'd walled off their bond and formed a protective barrier around Sango's room. She refused even to let him sense their child. She had shut him out and it was driving him to distraction. He ran his fingers through his long silver mane and felt a pang run through him. Already he found himself missing the feel of her fingers along the tender skin of his scalp and the softness of her scent. He knew she'd been angry with him before. Quite often, lately, he'd found himself groveling at her feet in the privacy of their chambers, promising her anything if she'd only find some forgiveness for his imperfections. She was so quick to anger and sorrow and joy. He often felt helpless as her moods would twist and turn from one extreme to the next. But he understood. He forgave her without a second thought and made a game of winning her affections out of her anger. It was not a burden. The only burden was her tears. His fingers began to shimmer with the green of his acid once again, dripping and burning through the wood. Her tears, until today, had been a natural reaction to her being with child. Their child. Today he had caused those tears. He had called her painful sobs and sorrow. The anger he knew he could handle. But not her tears. Not when they were his fault.

"Sesshomaru."

"What?" His voice was icy and dangerous in reply to Inuyasha speaking his name.

"If you are not careful, you'll burn a hole through your floor."

"Let it burn."

Inuyasha smirked and stood, approaching his brother carefully. "I know you want to kill someone. Problem is, the someone's yourself."

"Shut up."

"It isn't fun, is it? Being the asshole whose hurt her. Being the one who made her cry."

"Silence or I'll kill you." He froze and met the hanyou's eyes. He was all ice on the exterior but fire and agony inside. Couldn't his fool for a brother see that? Couldn't he even begin to understand what kind of danger he was playing with?

Inuyasha did not back down. He scoffed and shook his head. "Somebody's gotta tell you this and it might as well be me because you already promised her you wouldn't kill me."

"Press your luck much more and I will not hesitate to break that promise."

The hanyou laughed. The sound was like gravel across a wound. "You marked me as your second in command. What was it you said? Keep your friends close and your enemies closer? Guess what. I'm gonna be your best friend right now instead of your worst enemy."

Sesshomaru snarled and looked away. "You could never be my best friend."

"Then let's settle on being family."

"I don't want you as that either."

"Fine, asshole. Why don't we stick with another guy whose so damned in love with your mate that I can't see straight, but I want her to be happy so I'm helping out the worthless father of her baby? Does that work for you, you cock sure son of a bitch?" Sesshomaru's glare became enflamed. Only a slender thread was holding him back. Inuyasha could see it shimmering and taught tied between the Taiyoukai and Kagome. "Good. Now I've got your attention."

"Speak. Quickly."

"Everybody but you whose in this room knows I'm a master at making that woman angry. Even at my best, I found some way to piss her off so bad she sat me into a crater. She can't do that to you. She doesn't have an easy way to punish you."

"She cut me off from our bond, you do not think that is an easy way to punish me?"

"No, I don't. Because it punishes her too. She probably cut you off so you wouldn't feel how bad she's hurting. The only time she ever walked away from me was when I hurt her so much that she couldn't bear to let me see it cause she knew it would hurt me too. If she had a way to punish you without cutting herself off from you, I promise you that she'd take that option. She wants you to understand how bad she's hurting and I doubt you'd stop her from having that cause I bet you're beating yourself up as bad as I used to."

"I won't be leashed like you are."

"Give me a break! Do you hear yourself? Do you think I don't see exactly what's happened between the two of you? You won't be leashed like me, huh? Guess what, you already are. She's got you held so tight inside her you can't pull away and you don't want to. If she gave you a rosary too, it wouldn't mean anything except that you've accepted her bound up inside you as much as she's accepted you."

"You are speaking foolishness."

"I'm speaking the truth. Sesshomaru. Believe me. If I thought her walking away from you was the best thing, I'd leave you in the dark. I wouldn't want to help you out right now. Cause, when it gets down to it, I don't give a damn if you're happy. I don't give a damn if you're breathing except that she does and I ain't ever seen her as happy as she is when you're near her or touching her… Or holding her. It's like she lights up from the inside out and now… With that baby… Your son… I always thought she was beautiful, but it's like some kind of divine spark's gotten inside her and even when she cries or is angry at you, I can see she'd never want to be beside anyone else but you." Sesshomaru's eyes lowered to the floor and he seemed, for a moment, to become very small and vulnerable. It startled Inuyasha, but not enough to stop him from speaking his mind; finally, to the egotistical bastard he got to call his brother. "You and I got dealt a nasty first round, Sesshomaru. I don't know why your mother left our father or why he chose to take another mate and sire me. I can't imagine why he left orders for me to be his heir and not you, cause Kami knows I never wanted it. I lived my whole childhood wondering why and praying I never got what was supposed to be yours in the first place, and when Kagome freed me and I learned I wouldn't have to bear our father's position, I almost wanted to thank you. I know you'll always hate me for just existing and what it has to mean for the family you had before… But don't hate me for something our father decided against both our wills or because you think I want to take Kagome away from you any more. The Western lands and my best friend belong to you. They always will, so long as you let me stand beside you and help you to defend them."

Sesshomaru raised his eyes and met Inuyasha's gaze. He realized, perhaps for the first time, how similar the golden color inherited from their father really was. Golden like the sun and their hair silver like the moon. "You forgot one thing I should hate you for. You took my arm."

"You got careless."

Sesshomaru smirked as some of the ice fell away from his gaze. "So I did." The Taiyoukai sighed and sat at his desk. "What do you suggest I do, Brother?"

Inuyasha sat across from the Taiyoukai and met his eyes, gold for gold. "First we got to find a one eyed old lady and ask her to make a present for your mate. Then you just wait outside Sango's door until that barrier opens up. It will in time. They can't stay hold up in there forever."

"Are you so certain?"

The hanyou laughed. This time Sesshomaru fought the corner of his mouth as it threatened to curl in a smirk. "You forget Kagome's pregnant? The barrier will drop. Probably sooner than you think."

Big words do not smite like war-clubs,

Boastful breath is not a bow-string,

Taunts are not so sharp as arrows,

Deeds are better things than words are,

Actions mightier than boastings.

Longfelow

The barrier crackled and opened just enough for Rin to slip through the door, then crackled closed. She rushed forward as the door closed and ran headlong into a pillar of silk. Gasping, she looked up and saw her father staring down at her. "Rin, I must get in to see her."

Rin shook her head and turned toward the kitchens. His strong hand caught her arm and she was held firm. "Father, she doesn't want to see you yet. She isn't ready."

"I must see her." He said again with a softness slipping into his tone. "It is important."

"You hurt her worst of all, you know?" She finally found the strength to look up and meet his eyes. "It isn't even that you didn't tell her. It's because my brother's been caught up in it. She loves that baby, Father, like he was the whole world. You hurt her because she believes you don't love him as much as she does… Because you treated them both like soldiers in a war and they aren't."

"Rin…" She'd never chastised him before. She'd never spoken an ill word to him in the time she'd walked by his side. It shook him in the same way Kagome's anger and pain had at his betrayal. "It was never the intent."

"I know that. She does too, I think… But, Father, did you or any of them actually think she'd just let you get away with that kind of carelessness? She'd sacrifice herself in the battle with Naraku, without question… But her son? Your son? She needs time. She'll come to you when she is ready. Until then you need to leave her alone."

The Taiyoukai released his daughter, then looked back to the door that she had emerged from. He sighed and reached into the flowing silk of his haori and produced a rosary made of clear quartz. He slipped it into Rin's hands with a cool but accepting look. "Give this to her and tell her that it is hers to choose, but I have been and always will be hers. I have done nothing unless it has been for her benefit."

Rin nodded and smiled faintly, caressing the beads in her hand. "I will, Father." She slipped the rosary into her pocket, and then turned toward the kitchen, quickly heading toward her task. Half an hour later she returned to Sango's door with a huge tray of food and drink, enough for the full day and then some. The barrier crackled again and Sango opened the door for her.

Rin walked to a table and set up the food for eating while Sango helped Kagome up from where she'd been laying next to the window. Once Kagome had food in her hands, she ate as if she hadn't in days. I was not from hunger, however. It was solely for the benefit of her son. She was too upset to actually be hungry. As soon as he had moved, she had realized how fragile he was. At only two months, he was large enough to shift within her so that she could feel his presence which meant, without proper nourishment, he would whither within her. She had no choice but to ignore the faint feeling of nausea and the weight on her heart and eat as much as she could without making herself ill.

When she finished, she felt Sango's hand caress her hair. She leaned gently into her friend's touch and trembled as her tears returned. "I miss him. I feel like I've cut off my legs or torn out my heart blocking him like this. I'm so weak, I can't even hold out a day…"

"Shhh, you aren't weak." Sango whispered and cradled her friend, smoothing her hair as she cried. "You are anything but weak. You love him."

"But he… He was going to sacrifice us."

"No, he wasn't." Rin said softly and moved so she could sit beside the miko. She pulled the rosary from her pocket and slipped it into Kagome's hands. "And you didn't break first. He was waiting outside for you Kami knows how long like a pup with his tail between his legs."

She looked at the rosary in her hands, feeling the slight weight of the polished stones in her hands. It was by far more regal than the one that had been placed on Inuyasha. She shuddered as she touched the two polished fangs that had been strung on the front. Tears welled in her throat again as she kissed both. "They're his." She whispered, feeling the power resonating through the necklace. A rosary alone was not enough to subjugate Sesshomaru, as it had been for Inuyasha. The great Western Taiyoukai had to give in and sacrifice some of his power in order to create his own leash. His fangs would return and probably had already, but it was a symbol even more than it was a leash. It had been those fangs that had channeled his power so he could claim her.

Sango looked at the rosary Kagome held so gently in her hands. The miko's fingers caressed over the stones with reverence and love. "He wouldn't have come up with this on his own."

She nodded softly. "He had to have thought it was a good idea, though… This speaks louder than any word could have… I'll have to thank Inuyasha."

Rin smiled faintly. "Could I ask one favor, though? For Sesshomaru's pride?"

Kagome and Sango looked to the girl and the miko nodded with a quirk of her lips. "What is it, sweetheart?"

"Don't make the word be sit… I doubt he could take that."

The three burst into laughter and Kagome hugged Rin tightly. "I promise you, Rin, that I won't use that word on Sesshomaru."

Rin nodded and smiled, clinging tightly to her mother.

In his daughter's garden, he found himself pacing again. Kouga had gone off patrolling with Shippo while Miroku and Inuyasha remained, keeping the tempestuous Taiyoukai company. A sudden shift in energies caused Sesshomaru to stop suddenly in his pacing and look back toward his palace. He felt the barrier melt away from around Sango's room. Miroku and Inuyasha joined him a few seconds later. "She's… She's let it down… But I can't sense her or our child. She's still blocking me."

"She's heading toward your chambers." Miroku said with certainty. He could sense Kagome a mile away now; her power was so individual and bright. "She's alone, too."

"No… If she wanted me to go to her, she would allow me to sense her and our child."

"Don't be an idiot" Inuyasha grumbled. "She let down the barrier. Isn't that enough of a signal for you?"

"No." He replied, shortly. He was not being foolish or idiotic. If she truly wanted him to come, she knew exactly how to achieve that end. He turned and walked to a tree and sat, leaning against its trunk. His eyes fell on the balcony that extended from the chambers he shared with his mate. He knew she'd change them considerably upon their arrival, but he had never considered how she might do so. Instead of removing his collection of weapons and relegating them to the library or his study, she left them where they were, but had that tapestries replaced with long bolts of softly colored silk that complimented the colors already present in their rooms. She ordered that freshly cut flowers always be present and that climbing flowers be trellised up onto their balcony. She'd turned what had once been a warrior's chambers into a warrior's garden and, as sentimental as it sounded even to him, she was the most cherished flower there.

After an hour of waiting, Inuyasha crouched in front of him, causing him to scowl. The hanyou and Miroku had taken up his place pacing. "You are the most stubborn ass in the world."

"More stubborn than you, Brother?" He quirked a brow.

"In this case, yes. If it were me, I would have run to the palace and sniffed her out whether she let me sense her or not."

"This is not stubbornness. This is patience."

"No it isn't. She dropped the barrier. She made her move. She's waiting for yours and you're waiting for her to break again so she is forced to call for you rather than simply having you come and find her."

"That isn't what I'm doing." He snarled faintly as he met his brother's gaze.

"Maybe not consciously. What I've always said about you is true. You're a cruel, cunning tactician even when you're at your best. Even when you think you have the best of intentions." The Taiyoukai looked away in disgust and Inuyasha scoffed. "Stop thinking about everything and just do what you've wanted to since the barrier fell."

"No."

"Now you're just being an ass because I told you to do it and you know I'm right."

"This Sesshomaru will not be laughed at." He grumbled. Mokomokosama tightened around his shoulder, suddenly and he frowned. He could feel the splitting in his mind again and it worried him, though did not surprise him. Even when the finest blade has been broken, then re-forged in the fires it contains a weakened point that threatens fracture again.

"I ain't laughing at you. For once, for Kami knows why, I'm on your side. I don't understand it much myself, but I wouldn't laugh at you. Not about this. Cause I've been where you are right now… Well, not exactly, but close enough. Going belly up for that woman is… Humbling no matter how you look at it, even knowing she'll forgive you and then forget it like it never happened. So get up off your pompous ass and go to her. Face her. Don't make her wait more than you already have."

He sighed and shook his head. "I still hate you."

"You wouldn't be my brother if you didn't."

Sesshomaru smirked and stood slowly with his eyes focused on the balcony. The windows were closed. He would knock at the door so she would have to admit him entrance. "Tell Kouga that the gambit is forfeit. I have been torn about it since I took her as my mate and I realize now what I should have understood all along. She is too precious, too important to sacrifice even in the most carefully constructed plan. Naraku is unpredictable and dangerous. I will not risk her life. I wonder how I even thought for a moment I could."

Inuyasha and Miroku nodded to him in response before he walked toward his palace. He stood tall and regal as he always did, but internally he felt small and naked. He felt weak and broken in the face of this girl, this woman, really, who had so captured his soul. He approached the door to their chambers and knocked gently, waiting for her response. After a moment, he heard the softness of her voice, calling him in by name.

He opened the door slowly and entered, finding her standing near the balcony, looking toward the area he had been only moments before. He closed the door behind him and closed the distance between then faster than a human eye could have tracked. His arm slipped around her waist and found her eager to press back against his form, gripping his hand where it rested against her belly, against the swell where their child rested. The scent of her tears touched his delicate nose and he held her only tighter, shifting so he could kiss the juncture of her neck and shoulder fervently. "I will not put you or our child in danger. I was wrong to even consider it, Beloved… A fool to have allowed my whole world to be put at risk. I don't expect you to forgive me, but please consider allowing me to make it up to you. I am willing to do whatever you ask of me, bend to your every will for our eternity if you wish it of me. Only do not block me out, Love. I feel hollow without you."

She turned her head slightly so that her cheek pressed into his lips where they rested against her ear, caressing his jaw tenderly along its memorized slope. "So do I." She whispered, gradually allowing the barrier she'd erected in their bond to slip away. As their son again sensed his father, he pressed to his hand where it rested on Kagome's abdomen, then kicked. She felt her lover tremble and hold her even tighter. He gasped in a sharp intake of breath as their son kicked again and the barrier finally fell completely.

"I'm sorry, Kagome." He breathed, kissing her cheek gently, gathering her up into his embrace with mokomokosama's help. He laid her on their bed and curled around her side with his head rested gently against her breasts, listening to the thrum of her heart as his hand caressed her abdomen. "Forgive me… Please forgive me."

She trembled as she realized he was asking for their child's forgiveness as well. She smiled faintly and began running her fingers through his hair, kissing the crown of his head. The life in her surged softly in a pulse to his father, causing them both to shudder in his already staggering strength. Sesshomaru raised his head and smoothed the ebony of her hair from her brow. Kagome stared in slight wonder at the man before her, raising her fingertips to his cheeks, tracing the wet that fell from his eyes. "I didn't think you could cry."

He smiled boyishly and leaned into her touch before leaning and kissing her fervently. He felt her tremble softly and, as her lips parted in a breathless gasp, he deepened their connection, wrapping his arm around her, slipping his fingers into her black tresses at the nape of her neck. Slowly, achingly, he broke their contact and breathed her in deeply, then pulled back sharply and looked at her, startled.

"Sesshou?" She whispered, her eyes full of distress and confusion. "Is there something wrong?"

He shook his head and then gently rested his face against her chest, again taking in a deep breath of her scent. Then again. Then again. He only paused at her laughter to capture her lips again. He growled softly as she tried to speak, only deepening his kiss, causing her to moan and shudder against him.

When he released her, she found herself spinning, clinging to him. "What was that all about?" She murmured, pressing herself against his chest. She didn't remember sitting up, but she was now, cradled protectively in his lap.

He gazed down at her with that same boyish grin and caressed her jaw gently. "I can smell him in your scent now. The barrier is still there, protecting him, but he is present in your scent."

She smiled and took his hand, kissing his palm tenderly. "Such small things seem to make you happy."

"Not small." He murmured, gripping her hands gently. "Our son is strong and moving within you. His scent is mingled with yours. It means he is well and safe and growing. This is not small."

She blushed faintly and sat up completely, slipping off his lap. He frowned in confusion until the rosary was pulled from a fold in the silk of her garment, and then nodded his head in acceptance. "I think you are looking at this as a punishment, but it isn't."

"Inuyasha said…"

"Inuyasha isn't my mate, though I'm thankful to him for his help where you are concerned. This idea had to have come from him and I suspect he wasn't afraid to share some of his insight with you about me… But as I said. Inuyasha isn't my mate. This means more to me than some sort of leash where you are concerned. In fact, this isn't a leash to me at all. No more than you bonding your aura to me have ever been a leash. This is a submission as powerful as my submission to you was the morning you took me as your mate. Even though I can block you out, I know how much power the bond gives you over me. I have to fight not to bend to your will, even when I know you're wrong. This rosary only evens the field for us so I am not simply your mate. You are mine too."

He looked up at her with a surprised gaze. "I would never exercise my power over you as my father never did over my mother even though he could have."

"I know you wouldn't, Sesshou. But you have to understand that, by its nature, the bond gives you sway over me that negate some of my free will. It simply comes down to the fact that, unless it is something entirely wrong and against my own nature, I have no power to say no to you."

He nodded faintly and reached out, caressing her face gently, letting his fingers slip down to the faint, almost indistinguishable markings from his fangs still present on her throat. He hadn't broken skin, but the markings had come from the energies that had poured and pooled and fused between them. The marking would have only been sensed, not seen as well, if their bonding had not stretched on for such an agonizing duration. "I never want you to feel as if I have more power over you than you do over me. You are correct about my view of the rosary up until now, however… I see now what it has become for us. And I welcome it."

She blushed softly, tracing where his fingers had fallen on her throat. She slowly pulled herself onto her knees, and then slipped the rosary over his head, pulling his hair from beneath it. She ran her fingers through his long silver tresses, feeling him tremble as he met her azure gaze with expectant amber pools. "Rin made a request that I not use the same word I used for Inuyasha. That it would wound your pride. Frankly, I don't want to use that world because it would degrade you and I don't want you to feel degraded. I've certainly never felt less than myself or less worthy since you marked me. I want to promise you, though, that I will do my best not to use the word unless we are in private. You are the Western Taiyoukai. You bow to no one, at least not where anyone but me can see you do it." He chuckled low in his chest, wrapping his arm around her hips, his eyes dancing with mirth. She leaned and kissed the crescent moon on his brow, running her fingers along his jaw. "Down, Love."

He felt the pull of gravity and found himself held up from falling into his lover's form only by the strength of his forearm, his face pressed into her chest. He shuddered and panted softly as the pull released. Hearing her giggle, he lay to the side of her and cuddled against her tightly, wrapping his arm around her. "You take too much pleasure in that already."

"Only because of all the ways I could possibly use my new power." She teased, and then laughed, almost screaming as he tickled her.

"Wicked woman." He growled playfully and nipped at her neck, smiling when she gasped and leaned into him gently. He turned gently and found her gaze, then caressed her face, cupping her cheek. "And still, I will never want another." He whispered, gently pressing his brow to hers.

She trembled, tracing the markings on his cheeks from memory as her eyes closed. "Me either. Not ever. Not even after the end of time."

The surest pledge of a deathless name

Is the silent homage of thoughts unspoken.

Longfellow

Dreams are where the soul lives when time stands still. How long had she been bathed in the soft pink light of timelessness? She couldn't count the days because time could not be collected through the presence and passing of shadow and night. She was caught in a perpetual dawn of soft light all around her. But from her place outside of time, she was given certain vantage points in dreams.

Tonight she dreamt of her brother, now the Western Taiyoukai, in his palace curled around his human mate. She was so beautiful. Miyoko had known long before her brother knew exactly what the girl would become to him. She had known because of the prophecy her mother had shared with her, certainly, but also because, being so outside of time, she was privy to many things while she walked from dreamscape to dreamscape.

Her name was Kagome. She was a miko. She was like Midoriko who Miyoko had never met but had been told much about by her parents, who all but worshiped the long dead woman, at least her father had, and her brother, who wished only ill upon her. This new miko, Kagome, reincarnation of Inuyasha's lover, Kikyo, had somehow healed Sesshomaru's soul. She had fused the two halves into a whole again and so, unknown to her mother, Satori, the prophecy had failed. It would not come to pass. Something else would.

I wish you could hear me, Kagome. I wish you could see what I see. Rin, my brother's adoptive daughter, dreams as well, but unlike her, I am always dreaming. If only you could hear me, Kagome. If only you could know what I know. You fight going into battle and endangering the life of my nephew, but there are times when things must be done no matter what the cost. Unfortunately, you cannot hear me. I cannot tell you what I know. I cannot tell you that you will not lose anything in your sacrifice if you can find the strength to take this risk. I cannot tell you that, even through the pain and darkness, you will again find yourself bathed in light. I am trapped here. Trapped until you and my brother find me. Trapped as a helpless witness as events play out. I wish… I wish I could help. I wish I could stop what will come and make it all easier for you and my brother… My brothers. Both of them will have to face their fears when the time comes. I only pray they are strong enough to trust themselves… And to trust you, Kagome. Love is the strongest force. Love is the only force. Once they understand that, you will have all the strength you will need to endure and bring this all to an end. Be strong, Kagome. I will be watching you and praying, somehow, that my dreams will come true.