Chapter 17: Lasting Love

Dudley was so angry with himself, how could he have let himself believe he was worth something. That he, the real him was someone that deserved to be loved or even liked by someone like Draco.

How had he been able to let himself go and let himself start to imagine a future with the other guy. He had really thought they had something and that he had found someone that actually liked him and understood him just because he was him and that they shared similar experiences.

How wrong he had been, Draco had not taken him in because he had wanted to out of his good heart or because he was doing Harry a favor. When he thought about it he really didn´t know why he had done it, but he did know that Draco had not even talked to Harry, he had lied from before they had even met. The way he had not even been able to look Dudley in the eye though told him that whatever reason Draco had had to take him in was nothing he wanted to know.

He felt so betrayed, he had really believed that Draco cared, that they had helped each other and that he was worth fighting for. He had thought the smiles Draco gave him, the banter and the evenings full of intimate conversation and getting to know each other in and out had meant something and not only to him.

He had thought that he would be able to see when someone else was not truthful, when someone did something out of duty or because they wanted to gain something instead of doing something because they actually just wanted to. He thought that after all the years of hiding behind masks and pretending to be someone else he would recognize when someone else did the same.

The feeling of being used was the worst, the feeling of not being worth more than something you could just throw away when your needs for it had expired. He felt replaceable, that what he had thought was something special between himself and Draco was for the other boy just something fleeting and not even worth a second thought now when it was over.

He was almost regretting standing up for himself and believing in that he was worth having a life, no one would ever want him. He was pathetic and not worth even a second glance if being with him would not also benefit the other person in some way, like if he had had a lot of money which of course he didn´t. Maybe he should have just pretended to be the person his parents had wanted him to be, maybe the only good thing that he could have brought to the world was making his parents happy and even that he had now failed at.

It was 2 days since Harry had showed up at Draco´s home and his heart had been broken. It was 2 days since his life had once again turned around, this time for the worse. It was 2 days since he had understood he was a fool, a fool that had been tricked and ridiculed by trusting and falling in love with the wrong kind of person.

The truth was that even if Draco had never had the intentions of even wanting to help or get to know him, he had fallen in love with the other boy. And seeing the truth for what it was, seeing Draco´s true self did not change that. He didn´t want to like let alone love someone that didn´t even think of him like more than something you could just throw away.

If Draco had told him maybe he would have been able to understand depending on the reason he had been lying. But they had been together for several weeks before Harry´s visit, meaning that if Draco really had regretted it, if he really had liked Dudley and had wanted to be with him he would have told him.

Harry had left him alone and he had been hiding in the guest room that he had been provided with, his meals had popped up 3 times a day but he had not been eating much just poking around the plate. He had not slept well either, he felt a headache coming on, at the moment he hated his life. But at least it was his to live.

He looked at himself in the mirror seeing how pale, tired and empty he looked. He grimaced at the notion of looking pale, it remembered him of Draco and thinking of the other boy right now was hurting too much. He had found himself thinking of him and smiling a few times before remembering he was nothing to the guy and that they would probably never meet again and maybe that would be for the best.

He was about to go to bed when there was a knock on his door, it was just 8 in the evening but he didn´t feel like doing anything anyway.

He stared at the door but did nothing and it cracked open a few seconds later showing Harry on the other side. When Dudley still didn´t do anything Harry took the liberty of stepping into the room and setting himself down on the bed.

Dudley turned back to the mirror and closed his eyes, he wasn´t ready to talk to Harry yet, maybe he never would be.

Harry was smiling a sad little smile his way "you really liked him didn´t you?" Dudley knew Harry deserved answers, he hadn´t done anything wrong, he hadn´t even known Dudley had been disowned before 2 days ago.

Nodding he turned around and looking at Harry, he laughed at himself before saying "loved him actually" he should have said "love", but he had to try to put it behind him and saying it in past tense was at least a beginning. Harry was looking at him surprised, he must have seen something though because he smiled what Dudley thought was out of pity before he nodded "right."

Dudley sat down beside Harry and they sat there for a while in silence, it seemed none of them knew what to say, they weren´t close and had never really talked before.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he really didn´t but he probably should, people always said you felt better after venting and letting out your emotions. He hadn´t even cried, he was so empty inside that it seemed even his tears had dried up.

It must have showed on his face that he didn´t really want to talk, Harry laughed "I guess not." That was followed by more silence before Harry once again disrupted the quiet "I think you are brave, you know" Dudley looked over at his cousin incredulously, he brave, if Harry had said that to cheer him up he had been successful, it was such a ridiculous thought that it made it seem funny.

Harry smiled "no really, I mean it" he frowned before he continued "you have come out of your shell and did something you knew would end with you losing the only life you knew, if that is not brave I don´t know what is."

Dudley shook his head "I just call it stupid, look where I am, I have nothing and no one" he closed his eyes, he had lost a life he hated for a life worth nothing as someone worth even less. He snorted and looked at Harry "you are the brave one, didn´t you win a war and defeated the wizard that killed your parents."

Harry smiled before saying "Draco would call being brave stupid too "Dudley looked down at his lap at the mention of Draco making Harry hasten to continue "Look at how far you have come, you are starting to know who you are and what you want, you have accepted things about yourself that you were supposed to hate and despise."

He looked a little sad then "I hated it, the war, I was the hero because I had to be the hero not because I wanted to. I hated being the hero knowing that I survived when so many others died, they are the true heroes not me." He looked at Dudley and smiled ruefully "I´m not brave, I pretend to enjoy the fame, I pretend to want the attention because that´s what the wizarding world needs, a popular leading figure. I became an auror even though I would rather have wanted to go to muggle collage, just because it was expected of me."

Dudley took in a breath, maybe Harry really thought he was brave, the notion of Harry actually thinking highly of him in any way was making him feel better. "It´s never too late to be true to yourself" and it was true, when you realized that you could really start to live your life.

Harry just shook his head, he gave Dudley a small smile as if saying for normal people maybe "if it only was that easy, it may never be too late, but now would definitely be too early." Dudley didn´t really see how it could be too early to change your life and go down the path that would make you happy, to explore who you really were and what you really wanted.

Harry seemed to be hesitating because he had started to wring his hands together, in the end though he told Dudley what must have been on his mind for quite some time now. "It´s never too late to find true love either, just because the first person you fall in love with isn´t the one doesn´t mean that you will never find them. It doesn´t mean that you aren´t good enough or that you´re not worth being loved. Draco was not good enough for you anyway."

Dudley was not ready to hear that, what Harry said was in fact very close to what he felt and thought about himself. He already had bad confidence and a hard time to see things worth loving about himself. He had been so naïve to think that someone else would find something that they would think was lovable about him. Especially someone like Draco, the fact that he wasn´t magical stood out to him, just that could make him not good enough in any wizards eyes.

He shut his eyes scrunching them together, he was not going to go there, not going to go through every interaction he and Draco had ever had to try to determine what he could have done differently, he had to remember that Draco had never wanted him, not really, or at least not for the right reasons. It was just so hard though, he had been so certain that Draco had felt at least half of what he was feeling, he had been so sure. To accept that he had been wrong when all he wanted was this to be a nightmare and that he would soon wake up in Draco´s arms was hard and painful.

He felt Harry´s hand squeezing his knee and he opened his eyes, he was going to try to get Harry to understand. Draco was the one he was sure of it, he just wished he could have been the one for Draco as well. "I really thought he cared… I really thought I had found someone that could love me for the person I am inside" he took a deep breath, he had so much he wanted to say but he had no idea how to say them. "I really thought we had something special" he couldn´t help but to let out a laugh that was more empty and sad than even crying could have been at the moment. Dudley looked straight forward, he still couldn´t believe the loving and caring Draco had never been real "he, he was so… and he made me feel so…" he choked on his words, he couldn´t put his emotions into words, he just couldn´t, Draco had made him feel so much and that he may never feel that again was making him feel sick.

Harry´s hand had moved to the small of his back and the movements was soothing, but it wasn´t Draco´s hand doing them, they were not loving movements instead they were reassuring and comforting.

"It´s okay Dudley, you don´t have to tell me" he was hesitating and Dudley turned his head to look at him "I have an idea how you could show me though." Harry was biting his lip and it made Dudley nervous, this idea was probably not something he would like very much.

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Harry could still feel some resistance and he signed as he once again drew himself out "you have to relax, I don´t want to invade your mind I want to be invited" he was already starting to second guess this, maybe it had been a bad idea. He wanted to know what Draco had done though, Dudley was a mess and for him to be able to help his cousin he had to know what he was dealing with.

Dudley nodded and took a deep breath, Harry did the same and looked the other boy in the eyes "Legilimens".

He blinked and looked around himself surprised at how organized and harmonious Dudley´s mind was. He was in a park, no a garden of some kind, it took a few moments before he realized that Dudley´s mind was in the shape of the gardens at Malfoy manor.

He had not been practicing a lot of legilimency, he should have listened more to Hermione´s endless lectures he thought. He had no idea where to begin, he was going to be very careful, he didn´t want to see any memories that he was not supposed to see, he was there to see what Dudley´s and Draco´s relationship had been like and nothing else.

How his cousin could have fallen for someone like Draco Malfoy was beyond him, but it seemed that he had never really known much about Dudley in the first place so who was he to make assumptions or draw conclusions.

He stumbled on a few memories he was not supposed to see despite his best efforts, a few of himself, a few of Vernon and Petunia, a few of Dudley being a bully and harassing others. He was not surprised by them of course, but what surprised him was the fleeting feelings of Dudley´s he could feel before he had time to discard those memories, he felt self-loathing and disgust, it seemed Dudley really had never wanted to do the things he had done when they were growing up.

When he turned right on the path in front of him he had to stop, he was met with too much emotions, too much mixed emotions, he had to be closing in on the memories of Draco. When he looked around the gardens he also saw that the flowers had changed, the flowers here was the most vibrant and colorful but on a closer look they had started to wither, the closer he came to the part of the gardens the path he was on was leading to the more the flowers was withered.

Harry frowned wondering what it meant but was distracted when a butterfly flew directly in front of his eyes. He stopped and looked at the garden in front of him, the rose garden, all the flowers were almost dead expect from a part of the gardens with red roses. Harry took in a deep breath, the roses was the most beautiful he had ever seen, the color, the fragrance, it was enchanting. They were drawing him in and making him want to go and see everyone he loved and tell them how much he loved them.

He stopped a few feet away from the vibrant flowers, what he felt and saw had to be the love that Dudley felt for Draco, he still loved the other boy, it was so obvious. To get closer and to see what memories was laying behind the pulsing feeling, almost felt too personal, he hesitated for a second and glanced around himself.

When he looked at the withered flowers the contrasts to the roses in front of him was overwhelming, the feeling of despair, betrayal, self-loathing and hopelessness was hitting him in waves. The withered flowers stood for what Dudley must have felt when Draco´s true intentions and rejection had been brought to light.

Harry scowled thinking about all the ways he wanted to hex Draco Malfoy and all the reasons the other bloke deserved it. He could not let his emotions get the best of him though, he was here for a reason. The depressing thought of Dudley´s mind being made out of entirely withered flowers was more than enough for Harry to take the last steps forwards to the red roses.

The first thing he saw was a smiling Draco, and it was not one of those all too polite smiles, not scowling, not a sneer, not even one of the smirks that he had seen so many times before. No this smile was something else, it made his whole face change and Harry was astonished to realize that this must be a real smile, a genuine smile, there was nothing fake about it. He blinked and moved on, this was already weird and he had only seen Draco smile.

He moved through the first row of roses being met with more memories of the same kind, Draco laughing, Draco sleeping, Draco biting his lip deep in thought, a pair of grey eyes crinkling up at the edges and turning to molted silver, Draco frowning and glaring in mocking disdain but to Harry´s surprise it seemed to be just that, mocking, and not a true loathing emotion. Harry was met with the feelings of fondness, this had to be Dudley´s favorite expressions of Draco´s.

He was stunned, Draco seemed to have letting his walls down around Dudley, he and Draco had admittedly never been friends or even close but he had gotten the impression that the other guy was very private and that to protect himself he never let someone close to himself, never letting anyone see him vulnerable or human if he could prevent it. It baffled Harry to see Draco being so open, he had always seen the other boy as cold and reserved, but the Draco Dudley seemed to know seemed warm and almost happy.

Harry looked at the second row of roses wondering what could hide behind them. It was the small gestures, the once you never even thought about doing but for the other would mean so much. They were lying in a bed, Dudley´s head on Draco´s chest and at a first glance you would have thought Dudley was sleeping. Draco must have thought so as well because he looked down at Dudley before saying "I could get used to this", before the memory ended you could see the corners of Dudley´s mouth turn up as he snuggled closer to Draco.

The next memory was a note and a bottle of hangover potion, the grateful expression and feeling was so strong Harry thought he would be able to touch it if he tried. He was surprised at this as well, since when had Draco cared for someone else and done something for someone just to relieve them of their discomfort.

The next memory was Draco and Dudley talking to someone, it was dark and Harry could not distinguish anything of the surroundings, but it was obvious from the fierce look on Draco´s face and the introverted look and defeated and guilty feelings coming from Dudley that it was not a pleasant encounter. Harry saw Draco squeeze Dudley´s hand and stand up for him, defending them and in response he felt warmth and a feeling of hope and belonging coming from Dudley.

There was also a small sequence of Dudley listening in on Draco reprimanding the portraits of Malfoy ancestors "I am the lord of this house so you better stop spreading spiting prejudice to my guest for your own good, if you don´t and I catch you, you will soon find yourself dusty in some corner of an abandoned vault." As Draco had been walking away he saw Dudley smile. Draco had stood up for Dudley against his own family for having prejudges, Harry didn´t know what to think of this, that Draco was just a pureblooded spoilt coldhearted prejudiced snake was starting to seem very unlikely however.

It just continued, after the small gestures there was a row of moments and things they had done together or for the other. Them flying on a broom, them reading together from the same book, cooking for each other or them cooking together, watching the stars and just genuinely having a good time. Harry had not seen that coming, had not thought he would find memories that could come from any couple.

He knew he was just scratching the surface but he felt he didn´t need to see all the details he just needed to have a general idea of their relationship, he didn´t need to see all the moments or memories he just needed to know what made Dudley fall in love with Draco and what he could do to help him get over it, help him to move on.

When he got behind the roses he saw a small glow from behind an area of higher roses, these roses had thorns and it seemed like Dudley was protecting them from harm, behind these roses there had to be memories that were very special to his cousin.

He had to be very careful so he didn´t cut himself on the thorns, it felt almost symbolic that Dudley was making a statement, a don´t judge the book by its cover kind of thing. That if you never took risks, never looked beyond the horizon you would never get to see and experience the most exciting and beautiful life had to offer.

The memories that he encountered behind these roses was not only of Draco, most of them where but they were also of Dudley at moments when he accepted or experienced something for the first time. The first time he had felt completely happy, the emotion making Harry smile himself because it was so pure and he could feel the contentment flowing from Dudley.

As he went through more of Dudley´s firsts he felt proud of his cousin, he just wished they had talked growing up. Had he known that Dudley hadn´t been rotten like Vernon he would have been able to help Dudley see that none of them had ever been a freak. He smiled seeing memories of the first time Dudley had felt accepted and had been able to be himself if only for small fragments of time.

Then came the memories and the first he had had with Draco, the first time he had shared his thoughts and emotions. He was surprised to see Draco share things with Dudley in return. The first time he felt equal to someone else and felt that he could trust another person, all these emotions was something he had felt with Draco it seemed.

Then there was their first date. Or at least Harry thought it was a date. He was surprised to found out they had been to muggle London, Draco Malfoy had been to muggle London doing muggle things, trusting muggles with his hair, laughing and enjoying the experience. Harry didn´t know what he had expected to see but this was definitely not this.

When he saw Dudley kiss Draco, felt the elated emotion mixed with nerves and trepidation he couldn´t help but think that what he was watching was something special. That whatever reason Draco had had to bring Dudley to the manor, whatever plan he had been making, this was not because of that, it couldn´t be. He wished he could feel Draco´s feelings and thoughts too, he wished he could know for sure what he thought he saw was real.

The next memory started in the garden, he smiled at the now familiar banter the two often shared. When he realized what the memory entailed he wanted to discard the memory but something made him stay. The fact that Draco was taking his time and making sure it was what both he and Dudley wanted was not lost on him. He looked away but he didn´t leave, he realized it was because the whole memory was bedded in what Harry had now started to associate with Dudley´s love for Draco and he couldn´t help but want to let the feeling elate him a little longer.

When the memory ended Harry shook his head, he had seen enough. He was not 100% sure, but he felt that he understood Dudley and why he couldn´t let go of the love he felt for Draco. He didn´t want to help his cousin get over it either, he needed to help him in some other way.

He closed his eyes and drew himself out of Dudley´s mind. He was tired, using legilimency was very exhausting but he had to do something before he could let himself go to sleep. Having a hero complex and wanting to help people was sometimes as much a curse as a blessing. He couldn´t just stand on the sidelines though when he had the power to help someone, he had to do what felt right. Right now saving the love he had just witnessed was more important than anything else.

Dudley was scrunching his eyes up and groaned "what did you do in there, my head feels like exploding" Harry smiled, that was the most alive response he had had from Dudley the whole evening.

"Don´t worry it´s normal to feel a little disoriented and have a small headache" he said offhandedly and stood up, he was about to just leave when Dudley looked at him worriedly.

"What did you see?" he looked so miserable and Harry cursed himself, of course he would be worried over what Harry would have seen and here he was just about to leave as if he had seen something bad. "Eh, nothing too bad… I saw too much really" why was he blushing.

Dudley´s eyes widened "oh, you saw that" it looked like he wanted to disappear. Dudley shook his head and to change the topic asked "where are you going?"

Harry had to think on his feet, he couldn´t say too much, he couldn´t say what he really thought he had seen or where he was heading. He couldn´t risk to get his hopes up when he wasn´t sure, if he was wrong and told Dudley it would just end up in Harry hurting him even more than he was already hurt. He was bad at lying though and he didn´t want to so it seemed best to not just tell Dudley much at all "I´m going out, have something I have to do."

Dudley frowned and looked a little suspicious "now? It´s half past 11, I´m sure whatever it is can wait to the morning" was it really that late, well it couldn´t be helped.

He just nodded to Dudley that was still clutching his head "if you need anything my partner should still be up, I´m sure he would not mind helping out. Just call or why not look around you haven´t been outside this room since you arrived."

Harry smirked to himself when he saw the dumbfounded look on Dudley´s face and the mouthed "he" before he slipped out the door, he had given the other boy something else to think about.

He was not as brave as everyone thought, but who he was spending his life with was something he would not let the wizarding world decide for him, not that they hadn´t tried he thought making him scowl. He would be the figure for everything good and light, he would do what was needed outwards for people to feel safe and for their world to get to their feet again. But he couldn´t be that person all the time everywhere, so when he had realized he was bisexual and had met a guy that didn´t know him as the savior, had just gotten to know him as Harry he hadn´t hesitated.

He wanted others to have what he had, he was going to do his best to help Draco and Dudley have what he had, if there was something there, he had to know I there was love to save.

He headed down the stairs and out of his house with an excited step before he apparated for the second time in as many days to Malfoy manor. He knew what he had seen and he was determined to get them to see it as well. Love could make you do stupid things, love could make you feel things you never thought you would feel and love could make you blind to your own emotions and rational thoughts.

The question if it was love was not a question anymore, he had convinced himself it just had to be.