Chapter 18: Reality Realizations
Draco was lying in his bed staring up at the ceiling, he wanted to sleep forever without needing to think or feel anything anymore but he was unable to do that. He had been lying there for a few hours and he now knew every line and scratch on the cream white ceiling. He frowned at the aspect of his ceiling being so dull and boring, just like his life was at the moment.
He didn´t know what to do, he had thought that the disappointment of losing Dudley and his plan being crushed would have been starting to let up by now, that it would be going over into determination and that he would be able to use the disappointment as fuel when coming up with a new plan, an even better plan.
He found he didn´t want to come up with a new plan though. He didn´t really want to do anything anymore, he didn´t feel like doing anything and he didn´t know what to do about it, what to do to get his drive for life back. He didn´t want to eat, he didn´t want to sleep, he didn´t want to do anything without Dudley there and he still felt so bad because he had hurt him. He scowled at the feeling, Malfoy´s was not supposed to feel bad for anyone, everyone lived for themselves and if they trusted the wrong people it was their own faults.
But Draco didn´t want to be someone that was a wrong person to trust, he was a snake but he didn´t want to be considered someone that would just slither himself through life by telling half-truths and by unethical and unfair methods.
He had thought he would be thrilled by the aspect of his probation being over, that he would want to go out and live his life again. A few months ago all he ever wanted was to be free again, but he found himself not caring at the least anymore if he was able to go out and interact in the wizarding world or not. He found himself not caring about a lot of things at the moment.
Draco had always thought that having things or that being able to do whatever you wanted was what would make you happy, he know saw that doing things and having things meant nothing when you hadn´t anyone to experience the things with or to talk to about them. He didn´t want to do anything by himself when he had had a person to share the things with but he had made it go away.
It was frustrating to realize something when it was already too late. He hated not knowing what to do or why he was feeling the way he was, he hated to not be able to plan his life or to have to live by someone else's rules. He didn´t get why he was so affected by Dudley, why he didn´t want to do anything because he couldn´t do them with the other boy and that it was all his own fault.
He didn´t get what made him feel so lost and not quite himself anymore when Dudley was not around, he couldn´t wrap his head around what was making him feel so broken. He had no idea what to do to make the feelings go away, he didn´t think there was a spell to erase them, if there was it would have been a relief, he wanted to not feel anything at all.
His father had always said that emotions was a disadvantage and that if you opened up to someone you also opened yourself up to being hurt. He wasn´t hurt though, yes he was frustrated and disappointed, a little lost maybe but not hurt, Dudley was the one being hurt and not him.
He didn´t want to think anymore either, it pained him to think when all he ended up thinking about was Dudley and what they could have been doing at the moment if everything hadn´t gone wrong. He didn´t want to close his eyes or fall asleep either because when he closed his eyes he saw that smile he liked so much and when he slept he dreamt of the other boy as well.
He had thought about using Obliviate on himself or taking dreamless sleep but he was not comfortable enough with the Obliviate spell to get it right and just make himself forget the memories containing Dudley so he refrained from trying. Taking dreamless sleep didn´t help either because when he woke up nothing would have changed and he would still feel, he hated feeling.
Of course there was emotions he liked to feel but he would choose not feeling at all for the rest of his life over continuing to feel like he did at the moment.
He turned around in his bed lying on his side instead, his back had started to hurt by lying in the same position for too long, not that he cared much about being uncomfortable or not, it felt unimportant, everything felt unimportant right now. He started to stare out the window instead, not that there was much to see, it had darkened and everything had turned black, what he saw was all an infinity of empty blackness, the same empty blackness that currently was living inside of him.
He blinked when he heard a sound but he didn´t turn around, it was probably just him making it up in his head. The last time he had slept he had dreamt of Dudley coming back to him, he had come back to tell Draco that he didn´t care and that he understood without Draco needing to explain his actions, it had all been a big misunderstanding and it was all going to be okay. It had been a huge relief until he had woken up with a smile on his face just to realize it had not been real and he was just as alone and empty as before with Dudley still hurt and hating his guts.
The sounds continued though and before he knew it he heard his door being wrenched open and someone´s elaborated breathing. He still didn´t care enough about what would happen or about why there was an intruder in his home, in his bedroom, to turn around.
"Why are you just lying there, why are you giving up, the Malfoy I know would fight for what he wants. I will kick you in the arse to get you moving if that is what you need to go and straighten up this mess."
He blinked again, he recognized that voice. What was Potter doing here? He knew the savior of the wizarding world was forgiving and had a people saving thing, but for him to have overlooked his deceiving and come here to do what, encourage him to take command of his life again, it was absurd. And fighting for what he wanted, Harry wanted him to fight for him, he still had a chance at his plan, the aspect made his spirits increase but he still felt the ache inside.
Potter being there did make him react though and he slowly rolled over to his other side so that he faced the other man "Potter… What are you doing here, again?"
Potter just shook his head, his cheeks was red and his hair was even more messy than usual. "I told you already, I´m here to make you see what you already know deep inside that stubborn heart of yours, I´m here to make you realize that you still got a chance. You just have to believe enough in yourself and your love to take it." He groaned, he was too tired for Potter´s riddles and vague statements that strangely enough made him think of Albums Dumbledore, which made a lot of unpleasant memories arise.
Draco didn´t have energy to play the Slytherin game of eluding to what they wanted to say without saying it outright until he had Harry exactly where he wanted him and he could strike and get the other boy to agree to his plan. He didn´t have energy to beat around the bush, he didn´t think Harry would appreciate it much either for that matter the bloke was rather straight forward. Draco frowned, why was he taking in consideration what Harry may or may not appreciate, that was none of his concerns, his needs and getting what he wanted should always be the main focus. Being around Dudley must have affected him in more ways than he had thought, he was losing his impregnated Malfoy behavior and it was very unsettling.
Harry was looking at him impatiently and that made Draco snap "what right do you have to just storm in here demanding I do things or you will make me" it was nice having something else to focus on than his feelings and thoughts of Dudley. Snapping at Harry was familiar and made him forget reality even for only a few minutes, it was worth it and he knew Harry could take it.
Harry just looked at him smiling a little, like he had expected Draco to make a comment like that or something similar and it made Draco irritated. "I´m not here to make you do anything, I´m here to help you" Draco just scowled and rolled over. He was not in the mood to let Harry Potter see him in destress, he had to keep the Malfoy masks up at all times. He didn´t need any help, he would figure this out and really even if he wanted Harry he would make the other work for it, that was another game he liked to play and he needed a distraction.
He heard Harry sigh and take a few more steps into the room "you know Draco, you and I may be more alike than you think" Harry was saying.
He smirked he would test that theory right away, he had decided not to beat around the bush after all "oh really, so you have had a secret plan to get me to be yours as well, I had no idea."
LOTB∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞DD∞DM∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞LOTB
Harry stared at the back of Draco "get me… to be yours?" It took a few moments before the words had registered and he had fully understood their meaning, when he did he gaped for a few seconds before he started to laugh. Draco thought he wanted Harry? He hadn´t known what Draco would do and why he had acted the why he had but the thought of Dudley being a way for him to get to Harry had never even crossed his mind.
Draco was turning around again and the expression on his face, a combination of displeasure and determination made Harry laugh even more, Draco had been serious then. He closed his eyes to calm himself down, he was there to make Draco realize he loved Dudley and to do that he had to stay focused "wow, I didn't see that one coming… Sorry to break it to you but I already have a boyfriend and we are very happy, so no I haven´t had any such plans."
That seemed to make Draco disappointed and Harry almost thought that Draco really was harboring a crush on him from maybe a long time ago. This thought was broken though when Draco opened his mouth and spoke "you´re gay? But that would take the whole fun and the challenge out of it." Harry shook his head in astonishment, Draco was something else.
"Why are you even thinking of winning me over when you are in love with someone else? Someone you should be out there fighting for right now." It was time to break it to Draco and he hoped that the other boy would listen to reason, he tried to not be overly optimistic though, the guy was a Malfoy after all and they were known to be very stubborn.
Draco snorted at him and looked at him in the way he used to do when they had been in school, like he knew better than everyone else. "Me in love? That is ridiculous, a Malfoy doesn´t love anyone, other than maybe themselves that is."
Harry studied him, Draco looked confident but it seemed that he was protecting himself and like what he said was not his own words. Harry smiled when he saw Draco´s glance flicking slightly, he was uncertain and was trying to convince himself as much as he was informing Harry. Harry was glad at that moment that he had become an auror, it made him good at reading people, even people that was experts on hiding their emotions, like Draco.
He was fascinated though by how different Draco was, how different this Draco was to the Draco he had seen in Dudley's memories. He was keeping Harry at a distance while he had opened up and had let Dudley in to get to know him and see who he really was underneath that hard exterior.
Harry had to play this smart and try to not make Draco more defensive, the sorting hat hadn´t wanted to put him in Slytherin for nothing, he could be sneaky if he needed to. So instead of directly arguing with what Draco had said he changed the topic "so what were you doing when I arrived?"
Draco that seemed to have prepared some snide comeback to Harry´s accusations of him being in love frowned at the random question. "I was sleeping" he said glaring at Harry "until a very rude person woke me up" the glare intensified.
Cooking his head Harry thought he had to take some risks, he was not 100 % sure but he was quite confident in fact that Draco had not been sleeping "is that so, to me it looked more like you were sulking and if I may speculate it may have been because you were missing someone."
He smirked when he saw the clouded expression in Draco´s eyes change to something looking a lot like regret before they turned blank again and Draco narrowed them intensifying the glare directed at Harry even further. "No you may not speculate" Harry snickered at that, Draco had not contradicted his statement on that Draco was missing someone.
He had to keep the momentum going and not let Draco think and put even more barriers around himself and suppress the emotions he could see being under the surface. "I have been talking to Dudley you know and if I´m not mistaken I would say you both care a lot about each other" it wouldn´t be wise to share that he had seen memories of Draco and Dudley together, not yet anyway.
He looked at the boy on the bed that seemed sad at the mention of Dudley, but he soon straightened his back again and plastered an indifferent expression on his face. Draco seemed hesitant though like he wanted to ask how Dudley was but was refraining himself from doing so. Harry would just have to tell him anyway then "he isn´t doing so good you know, his confidence was shattered and he thinks he doesn´t deserve to be loved. He thinks you didn´t value his company and that you only used him like he was worth nothing more than any replaceable inanimate object."
It was very fascinating, seeing the Malfoy masks give away right in front of his eyes. The person that was exposed underneath looked very small, he looked human and vulnerable like any other person that had made a mistake that had lost them someone they cared about. Harry cheered inside, he knew Draco cared about Dudley and he would make Draco see it as well.
He looked closer at Draco and his inner cheering stopped, the boy in front of him looked much worse than he had first thought, much worse than Draco had first showed him he corrected himself.
LOTB∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞DD∞DM∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞LOTB
The words Harry had just said had felt like a knife stabbing him right in the heart. Dudley had come so far in discovering who he was and what made him happy since he had arrived at the manor, and Draco had been a part of making that happen. Now it seemed that all that was gone and Draco knew the only one to blame was him, he felt terrible, he hadn´t wanted that but he didn´t know how to make it better.
He winced when he remembered Harry still sitting there watching him, the emotions that had hit him had made him drop his masks and he was sure the distress he was still feeling in causing Dudley heartbreak, insecurities and self-degradation had been clear as day on his unguarded face. He closed his eyes willing his emotions and the truth to be suppressed, he was a bad person and he had caused a good person pain, because Dudley was a good person, a person very much deserving of love, much unlike him.
How could he be deserving of love when he was unable to give love back. Dudley was not replaceable, he may have to accept that he would no longer be in his life but he had never been able to let go and be himself around anyone like he had been able to be free around Dudley. He had never had anyone genuinely caring about him before, making him feel special for just being him. He had never had anyone appreciating things about him that didn´t benefit anyone else, or irritated most people to be honest. He had never had anyone that had understood him like Dudley had done, he had never had anyone in his corner unconditionally just because they liked him.
Loved he thought biting his lip, Dudley had loved him. What had he done, he had had more than he had even known there was to have in life, he had had someone that he could have called his and he had thrown it away, and for what exactly, his pride?
Why had Dudley loved him though, he didn´t get it, why love someone when they would never get love back in return. He was a Malfoy, he had been born and raised with an ice cold hand, his soul was damaged, and the warmth and love he had never received had made him just as cold and heartless as his family. He was looking down at his lap, the truth hurt, it was he that was not deserving of Dudley´s love and not the other way around.
He felt the bed dip and felt Harry lay a tentative hand on his shoulder, he thought of shaking it off but refrained from doing so.
"I can see that you feel bad, and you kind of deserve it to be honest" so that was it, Harry had really come to rub it in, he had not come to help him in any way he was there to stray salt in his wounds. "But Dudley still loves you for some reason, and for me to not do everything I can to make him have what makes him the happiest, that just wouldn´t be me."
Draco frowned and looked up, Dudley still loved him, how was that possible? He took in a deep breath, it didn´t really matter though, he may have deluded Dudley in thinking that he could make him happy but the truth was that he would only hurt the other boy in the end. Hurting Dudley was something he wanted to avoid to a very high extent, he would do the other boy a favor if he just let him go. Dudley deserved someone that could love the other boy back with the same intensity, and that was able to give him every part of themselves, he deserved someone not damaged, someone that wasn´t him.
He could hear Harry sigh beside him "why do you feel bad?" Draco just shook his head, what kind of question was that, who wouldn´t feel bad after what he had done and what it had resulted in.
When Draco didn´t answer the question it seemed like Harry took it like a sign for him to answer his own question himself instead. "I think you feel bad because Dudley feel bad, you feel bad because he feels bad because of you" Draco was about to protest even though there did lay truth in what Harry was saying, Harry was holding up his hands though in a motion showing that he didn´t want to hear anything like it.
"Most people would say it was a natural reaction, of course anyone would feel guilty," Harry was glancing at him like he was nervous he would react badly to what he would be saying next. "But you´re a Malfoy. Malfoy´s are not capable of love, they don´t feel bad for other people, they don´t care if their actions hurt others if there is something to gain for themselves" Harry smiled sadly "I could go on for a while, the list is long over what Malfoy´s are supposed to not feel, am I right?"
Draco was astonished how did Harry know that, how did he know how it was to be a Malfoy. He was torn however because his head knew that what Harry had said was true, he was a Malfoy and he had been drilled in not feeling, especially not for others and caring for their useless emotions. But he was feeling and that was the problem, Dudley made him feel, his whole body was affected by the feelings coming from within, coming from his heart.
He had never listened to his heart before so he discarded the feelings, he hated feeling anyway, it was easier to focus on what he knew and what he was supposed to not feel. "Exactly" he didn´t feel like elaborating.
Harry nodded as if he had proved something to himself, how was beyond Draco though, he had just agreed with a simple statement. "I think you are more though, more than just a Malfoy, beyond that you are Draco." Draco frowned at that not seeing what Harry wanted to make him see by that, of course he knew he was Draco Malfoy, this was ridiculous.
"I was wrong" that was not something he had seen coming out of Harry´s mouth, he smirked, he had wanted to hear that for a long time. "I was wrong when I said you hadn´t changed, you have changed and deep down I think you know it too."
Draco narrowed his eyes, what was Harry´s intentions with saying all these things, how could he make a suggestion pointing to that he knew something about Draco that even Draco didn´t know about himself, that was absurd.
Harry signed again and stood and started to pace, but to Draco´s dismay it didn´t seem like Harry had any indication to leave him alone in his dismay again anytime soon.
"Who do you want to see when you wake up in the morning?" Dudley "before you go to bed in the evening?" Dudley "banter with?" Dudley "never see sad?" Dudley "be the reason for that special smile?" Dudley "live the rest of your life with?" Dudley… wait what?
He blinked, why had he thought that? He shook his head, of course he had thought about Dudley, it was only logical, the guy had been the only person he had seen except for Harry and the muggles in London in a very long time. The notion of sharing his life with Dudley, like equals on the foundation of friendship, truth, mutual desire and emotions instead of lies and hidden agendas was not a thought that he could disregard though. It was a thought that had gripped his heart and filled it with hope.
The thought of him and Dudley getting back together was beginning to seep into his brain and without his permission he started to smile.
He was brought back from his thoughts by Harry setting himself down on his bed again "you thought of the same person for all those moments didn´t you… listen to your heart, it might surprise you."
Draco stared ahead, how he had been so stupid. He had been blind to his own emotions. He did love Dudley. He Draco Malfoy was in love and he hadn´t even seen it.
"I have to go… Wait, where do you live?" Harry had been right, what was he doing here, he had to go and fight for the only one that had been able to make him feel, to make him realize he was capable of loving and caring, realizing that he was a human like everyone else. He had to try to convince Dudley that he did love him and deserved his love in return, he had to convince Dudley that they could have something special together after all, it was everything that mattered.
Harry laughed "you are not going anywhere, it´s 2 in the morning and we have a lot of planning to do to make you sweep Dudley of his feet so that you can live happily ever after."
Draco scowled at that but could see that Harry was only teasing and he couldn´t really be angry at Potter at the moment, he had made him see what really mattered after all. He may even have to thank him later if everything went as he hoped it would, the notion making him curse inside, he hated apologizing and especially to Potter.