Disclaimers:
This is a parody of Paper Mario and the Thousand Year Door. All characters and various other royalties of Paper Mario are all reserved to Nintendo and Intelligent System as this is for parody use only.
This is an entirely separate universe from the original Paper Mario universe, so expect many inconsistencies made on purpose for comedic effect.
This story contains offensive content such as racist jokes, sexual content, sexism, drug use, a fuckload of violence, and a lot of other offensive shit that we can make jokes about. If you don't like offensive humor then I recommend not reading this but if you still decide to then please leave a comment about how offended you are, I'll get a kick out of it.
If you loved this game as a child and wish to preserve it as pure and full of childhood wonder in your mind then we recommend not reading this because it will fuck you up.
This parody is rated M for ENJOY!
Super Mario and the
Thousand Year Drama!
(Kai Version)
Chapture 2: The Archaic Adventure! Without a Sword?
Last time! On Super Mario and the Thousand Year Drama! Mario was given a rude awakening by his brother. He soon gave Mario a letter from the Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom telling him to meet her at an unfamiliar town known as Ghettoport on a search for treasure. Then, Mario encountered an archeology student goomba girl who he wound up saving from the deranged man child; Robotnik. After getting to know 1 another and learning more about the treasure, they tracked down her professor who uncovered ever more knowledge about it. They later traveled with them to the sewers to find the ancient door associated with the treasure. 1ce they entered the room of the door, they harnessed a ritual of the map animating a location of 1 the 7 objects made to open the door. We now see them embarking on their first of many adventures to come to opening this door. Find out what event take form this issue of Super Mario! and the a Thousand! Year! Drama! Assuming you never played the original game..
Chapture 2 - 1: Road to Petalburg! Not to be confused with Pokemon Ruby/ Sapphire.
[Petal Meadows]
At long last, their 15 abysmal hour ride through the vile brown warp pipe finally came to a conclusion. Mario and his recent partner Goombella entered the fresh green plains of the Petal Meadows. Goombella: Finally! We made it out of that disgusting warp pipe! We finally made it! The Petal Meadows!
Goombella saw Mario sat down on the warp pipe with his overalls down as he began defecating inside of it like the slimy fuckstain he is.
Goombella: Mario! What the hell are you doing!?
Mario: I'm shitting.
Goombella: No duh! But do you have to do it in the warp pipe? It smells! What if someone else is going through the warp pipe and gets hit by your shit!?
Mario: Hey! I was holding it in all day!
They then got distracted with a loud obnoxious roar of a foul beast.
Hooktail (1250): RRAAAAAAWWWWWRRRRR! IIM AA FUUUCCKINGG DRRAAGGOOOOOONNNNNN!
Goombella: Whoa! That thing is huge! I never thought I would see a dragon in my life! What about you Mario?
Mario: Well of course I have. Who the hell do you think I am?
Goombella: Its flying to the castle… So does this mean-
Mario: Yes. We are going to murder, or possibly even murder-fuck that dragon... for the star.
Goombella: Ah geez Mario.
Mario: Yep! Welp, in order to get there, we gotta head right to find people to talk to before we go there.
Goombella: Well can't we just walk directly to the castle from here?
Mario: Trust me. If you've played any RPG, you'd know these adventures only work when you start out going an entirely different direction.
Goombella: Welp, whatever you say. You're the expert of adventuring apparently...
Goombella began to notice 2 large stones with 1 containing a hole resembling the shape of the sun, and the other the moon.
Goombella: Say!? I wonder, what are these 2 runic stones for?
Mario: Goombella! Cut the archeology crap! We gotta go before you explore another rock that I end up throwing at you!
Goombella: You're an asshole!
Chapture 2 - 2: Turtles are Socially Awkward
[Petalburg]
After a couple hours of blindly walking east through the petal meadows, they finally made it to a Jewish village.
Koopari (Age 31): Shalom! Hehe. What can I do for you 2 for you fine travelers?
Mario: Hebrew? Alright... what ever. What is this place exactly?
Koopari: Oh... Well this is Petalburg sir! We don't often find ourselves acquainted with many travelers. Alot of people try to avoid this area on account that we have a terrifying red dragon named Hooktail living near by.
Goombella: Wait... a red dragon? Mario! We saw 1 just like that when we got here! Wait... so its name is "Hooktail?" Haha! Ooooooo. Sounds really terrifying to me!
Mario: Ha! Yeah. Hooktail? Sounds more like "Hookertail" if you ask me!
Goombella: So out of curiousity, are yoou familiar with these things known as the 7 dedly stars?
Koopari: Hmmm... the 7 dedly stars? Well golly! That sounds kind of spooky if you ask me. You might want to go speak to our mayor! He lives in a pink house. If you keep heading along the path, you'll find it.
Goombella: Thank you!
Koopari: Alright then. Welcome to Petalburg!
As they searched for the pink house (that they already passed cause they're morons), a young female Koopa wearing pink with a strawberry blonde ponytail identical to Goombella's hair saw them.
Koopie Koo (Age 19): Oh hi there! You 2 must be the new tourists I've been hearing about! My name is Koopie Koo! The prettiest girl in this village.
Koopie Koo began to direct her attention towards Goombella.
Koopie Koo: And look at you over there! I see you like my style cause, you know, you have my make up and hair style!
Goombella: Well aren't you concieded! Come on Mario! The bitch obviously can't seem to find an original style of her own!
Koopie Koo: Hey wait a second, I recognize that hat and overall get up anywhere! And that mustache! O.M.G.! YOUR FREKIN' MARIO! LIEK! I LOVED PLAYING YOUR GAMES!
Mario: Hey Goombella. I feel like this girl is looking for a fresh dickin' from me.
Koopie Koo: LOL! I have a boyfriend. But thanks for the compliments. Especially from a real man like you. So wait... if you're here, does that mean you're going to get rid of the dragon!? Thats AWESOME! Cause I've been really scared that 1 of these days, that it's gonna go after ME next!
Goombella: Well we can sure hope so!
I don't think Goombella likes girls that remind her too much of herself. She can be a little complicated.
Mario: Yeah. We're gonna murder-fuck the shit out that dragon!
Koopie Koo: Well thats amazing! WOW! you're so brave! It's kinda sexy... I wish my boyfriend Koops were half as brave as you. He is the biggest fucking bitch in the village. I'm only with him cause I feel sorry for him. You know, when we have sex, he can only last for 30 seconds on average. Then afterwards he hides in his shell and starts weeping and crying for 40 minutes. Oh shit! Was that liek, T.M.I?
Goombella: Yes. You are a terrible person and I hope you get rabies and someone has to beat you to deth with a blunt object.
Koopie Koo: Woooooow! Really? Fuck you too girlfriend!
Mario:We should go look for the Mayor.
Goombella: Yeah. Lets go before I kill a bitch.
Mario yet again found the wrong house as he is now about to enter Koops' house knowing that it's the color orange.
Goombella: Wait Mario! That's the wrong house again!
Mario: I know! I just like breaking into people's houses here!
Goombella: But you just complained about getting side tracked... ah forget it.
Mario opened the door rudely without any means of knocking. And get this. Guess who they walked in on? A koopa wearing a crusty light blue hoodie with a lazy eye and bandage on his nose named Koops (Age 18). Guess what he was doing? He was trying to suck his own dick! His plan failed as he immediately got startled and turned of by Mario's sudden presence.
Mario and Goombella: AAAHH!
Koops: AHH! HOLY SHIT!
Mario and Goombella on impulse slammed the door shut.
Mario: That is 1 out of 6 things I wish I could unsee.
At what felt like long last, they finally reached a level of competence to find the Mayor's house. He is an old green skinned Koopa with a cain.
As usual, Mario rudely opens the door without any regards for knocking or finding a doorbell to ring.
Mayor Kroop (Age 341): Oy! robbers! ROBBERS! Welp murder me if you'd like. I'm well past my prime anyway. Take what you will. I don't even care anymore. Heck, you can take the whole jibblin' town for all I care! Everyone here is going to be eaten by the dragon anyway. Who are you again?
Goombella: Hello. We are here in search for the 7 dedly stars. Do you happen to know of such things sir?
Mayor Kroop: Well, why didn't you say so before, you both almost gave me a heart attack you ijits! So you 2 are hunting for the 7 dedly stars you say? Ermmmmm...Wait... I think know what you whipper-snappers are talking about!
Mayor Kroop: Aha! I Remember now! That dang ol' Hooktail! That dragons got exactly what you're looking for! It is an enormous, dragon that has been terrorizing our village for many many centuries. So you know Hooktail?
Goombella: Of course we do! We saw it flying towards its castle when we came here!
Mario: Yeah! And now that we know for sure it has the star, we're gonna go there and murder-fuck it!
Goombella: Mario, can you stop saying "murder-fuck?" Its getting old. Uhh... No offense mayor by using the word "old". Cause, I understand you situation... with being old... and stuff.
Mario: Goombella... shut the hell up.
Mayor Kroop: Well sounds to me like we have a couple of noble warriors, indeed... What did you say your name was, again?
Mario: Uhh... The names Mario.
Goombella: And I'm Goombella.
Mayor Kroop: Alright, so listen up. Since you both seem to be heading towards Hooktail's castle? There's a shortcut to get there! There is a secret warp pipe near this village. I forget where it is located, but I know you 2 need to find some doohickeys in order to finds that sneaky pipe there! There are 2 stone keys that are used to activate that very pipe. Just keep heading east, and eventually, you both will find them both somewhere in Shhwonk Fortress. Well… You must get going now and do away with that darn ol' Hooktail beast! I'll go have the gatekeeper open the east gate for you.
Goombella: Excellent! Well thank you for your information! It's been oh so helpful!
Mario and Goombella head towards the east gate where they will embark on a tedious adventure inside another more interesting adventure about to happen.
Mario: Hey there. So apparently, we received an approval from the mayor that we can pass sooo...
Koopeter (Age 22): Ah yes. You 2 are the famous visitors about to save us from that dragon I've already heard so much about!
Goombella: Yes! Thats us. So I have to ask, why do you only use a long branch as a gate? It just looks really ineffective to be honest. Like. Can't people just walk over it?
Koops attempted to sprint towards them even though he can't run for shit cause he sits in his room all day.
Koops: HEY! Excuse me! I... can I uh… like… talk to you! PLEASE!
Mario: Oh hey! Your that Koopa that can't suck his own dick! Whats up!?
Koops: Uhh... Yeah... I came to apologize about that again before you go. Again, sorry you saw that... I was really panicking. It really was like uhh... the worst first impression I've ever made in my life ever!
Goombella: Uhh... okay...
Koops: Im... uhh.. my name is... kind of like... Koops! And I heard you were like, heading to Hooktail's castle or something right?
Mario: Yes? Go on...
Koops: Well... Ummmm... Oh, just... Just ... AH Nevermind! Never mind! Fuck it! Ignore me! I never came here to talk to you! I don't exist! I'm not here right now! Good bye! Good bye forever!
Goombella: Ooooookaaaayyy... wow... He's gotta be the most uncomfortably awkward person I've ever met in my life! Like seriously! Hes got Major issues! Right Mario!? What do you think THAT was all about?
Mario: Ugh... Yeah really... Why do I have the feeling that he's gonna join our adventure?
Goombella: Jeez. Don't put that image in my head. He seems like the kind of person who would try and molest me in our sleep.
Chapture 2 - 3: Level 2: Whomp's... I meant Shhwonk's Fortress!
[Shhwonk's Fortress!]
While you successfully avoided some dumb filler, the 2 heroes went through dumb misleading fortresses and finally found the ACTUAL fortress. Congrates!
Mario and Goombella entered Shhwonk's Fortress. There was 1 rock head thing on a pillar. Were talking about a big ass Thwomp shaped thing facing them while entering the door. Need a description? Look up "Thwomp!"
Mario: Fuck. We gotta fight another 1 of these things. Well, at least there's only 1 this time.
Mario attempts to smash it with his hammer.
Mario: Fuck! Its not working!
As Mario continues to hopelessly slam it, he begins to curse at it.
Mario: COME ON! BITCH ASS! DIP SHIT! FIGHT ME YOU STUPID FUCK!
Thwomp (Age 1039): WHO ARE YOU CALLING A STUPID FUCK!?
Goombella: Holy shit! It talks!
Thwomp: MMMMMHMMMMMHOHOHOHOHOHOHAHAHAHAHHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHHEFHFHESFHSDFHSGHSDFHSEHFHFSHDSEH!
Thwomp: Looks like you 2 are my first contestants in centuries I must say. You 2 must be searching for the stone keys! If you want them, you must play my game!
Mario: Is this shit stain serious?
Thwomp: SILENCE! If you win, you shall pass! However, if you lose, not only shall you NOT pass! You will suffer a fate worse than leprosy!
Thwomp: So, would you like to challenge me in my game!?
Mario: Fuck it. Why not?
Goombella: Mario! This guy seems pretty serious.
Mario: Relax. Were trying to get the dedly star right?
Goombella: Yeah, but we could have walked to the castle directly and could have been there awhile ago.!
Mario: Ehh... We'll be fine.
Thwomp: Ahaha! A daring choice indeed... LET US PLAY!
the entire room changed from having the texture of ancient stone walls to a modern day game show esc background. Lights were flashing everywhere, and many audience members were in the background. Odd enough as it is since there was no advertisements for this game show. Especially with this event occurring with no notifications from TicketMaster. It just doesn't make any fucking sense how there would be a fucking audience in the first place. THIS PARODY IS STARTING TO LOSE ITS GRIPS ON REALITY AHAAAAHAHHHHHHHH! Fuck it! I quit!
Not really.
So anyway, a majical game show booth suddenly appeared in front of Mario and Goombella along with a microphone appearing in front of the Thwomp.
Any Game Show music you can imagine starts to blast
Mario and Goombella: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?
Mario: I DON'T REMEMBER TAKING NO ACID!
Thwomp: Hello ladies and germs and bald headed sperms! Sit down those rears and perk up your ears! Welcome, everybody, to the 65.276th Super Duper Amazing Wacky Holocaust Funtime QuizQuake!
Goombella: Mario! I'm scared!
Mario: Yeah no duh.
Thwomp: The rules of the game are that if you answer 3 of the 5 questions correctly, you win! Get 2 of 'em wrong, and you will entertain the audience by dying from the dedly disease worse than leprosy! Shall we begin!
Mario: Can't we sue him for this!?
Thwomp: Errr! Wrong Answer!
Goombella: WHAT!?
Thwomp: AHAAA! Just kidding! Just wanted to see the look on your face! Now then! Question 1:
Okay, normally I would let Mario answer these, but I'm gonna try and be a fucking dick by theoretically having YOU phone Mario the answers.
Most of these questions are going to be based off what you've read exclusively in this parody. If you haven't read the uncut version of chapture 1, and this chapture before this scene, you might be screwed.
Try and see if you can answer all of these questions on your own without looking back at the previous points of the story.
The answers will be on the very bottom of this of this page.
Regardless of if you're right or not, this wont have any impact on you continuing the parody No manner what happens, Mario will win this quiz. I know, I just spoiled that part. This is a reading document. I do not have online quiz scripts programmed in this shit! Wanna play a shitty quiz, go on Facebook!
Thwomp: Now then, Question 1:
Why is Mario on an adventure?
A. For treasure
B. For sex with Peach
C. So he won't get executed
D. It's kind of unclear at this point
[Assuming you answered correctly]
Thwomp: RAWR! NO WAY! That is correct. Oh well. That was an easy 1. Question 2!
What was the first band referenced in this entire Parody?
A. The Doors
B. Drowning Pool
C. Judas Priest
D. Lonely Island
[Let's pretend like you got the answer wrong]
Thwomp: NO RETARD! You got it wrong! 2 More and you're ded! HAHAHAHHAHAHOOHOHOOHOHOHIHIHIHIHIH! Sorry about my laugh. K? Question 3!
What was the name of the man who tried capturing Goombella in Chapture 1 - 3?
A. Lord Crump
B. Dr. Crump
C. Robotnik
D. GG Allin
[Congrats! You assumingly got it correct!]
Thwomp: No! How did you get that right!? Like, that question was so hard! No 1 ever gets that 1 right! Mrr…. Question 4!
Do you like IAMMASTER?
A. Kind of.
B. She or he's a nigger!
C. Whos that?
D. I like chicken.
[I'll accept any answer as correct]
Thwomp: Wow! Correct! You people must be smarter than Stephen Hawking fucking Einstein's cryogenically reserved brain! FINAL QUESTION!
When you met Koops, what was he doing when you walked in on him?
A. Trying to suck his own dick
B. Eating Shit
C. Masterbating to Simpson's Hentai
D. Grilling a burger
[You got it correct right? Good]
Thwomp: NOOOOO! FUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKK! Correct! How were you able to answer 5 of the questions correctly!? I specifically designed for them to be impossible! YOU MUST HAVE CHEATED!...No. You win.
The room turns back to normal. The majical audience disappears as if they were never even real people to begin with. Were they holograms? In a fucking fortress!? Who knows. But yeah. The walls are stone again.
The thwomp exploded uncovering their warp pipe lead. To save time. Lets just say that the 2 stones were inside the Thwomp and move on to the next chapture division.
Chapture 2 - 4: A strange hero awaits!
[Petal Meadows]
As Mario and Goombella proceeded back through the Petal Meadows, they heard a whiny voice of someone who was eagerly waiting for them to show up.
Koops: UMM!
Mario: Oh shit! You're alive! Hey! Whats up!?
Goombella: ... Is he gonna pull out a knife or something?
Koops begins to walk over to them making Goombella rather paranoid.
Koops: Umm... Uhh...
Mario: Speak up!
Koops started to walk towards Mario even closer. He walked so close to Mario's face to the point where it was too awkward to even describe.
Goombella: MARIO LOOK OUT!
Mario: Relax, he's.. harmless.
Koops: UUUrrrrrrmmmmmmm... Well you see, I was wondering if-
Mario: Wait! Hold on, can you stand the fuck back a little? Your breath smells like you've been eating some microwavable Cheesy Garlic Bread or some shit!
Koops: Ummmmmm... See... I was wondering... What do you like, think about...Uhh... I WANNA JOIN YOU GUYS! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE LET ME HELP YOU GUYS FIGHT HOOKTAIL! PLEASE, I WILL ACTUALLY KILL MYSELF THIS TIME IF YOU DON'T LET ME TEAM UP WITH YOU! PLEASE! I'LL DO ANYTHING! EVEN GAY STUFF! I DONT CARE! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE! I THINK YOU 2 ARE THE COOLLEST PEOPLE IVE EVER MET AND I NEED YOU GUYS! BADLY!
Koops: I just don't wanna go back to Petalburg. I hate it there. Everyone is a fucking dick to me! They all talk shit about me for having a ded dad and an abusive mom too. Even my gf sucks! Maybe, if I joined you guys, i'll become brave. And I can finally have the courage to kick everyone's ass in this for fucken saken town!
Mario: Goombella? Why do I have the feeling that this guy is a little autistic?
Goombella: I think he has something else going on...
Koops: So please? Can I team up with you guys!? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?
Mario and Goombella look at each other as they try to figure out what they should do about Koops.
They both begin to address Koops with their decision.
Goombella: Ehh...
Mario: Nope, sorry.
Koops: What!? Why? Why not!?
Goombella: It's gonna be kind of dangerous.
Mario: Plus, you don't seem like you're a good fit for us.
Goombella: And you might try and rape us.
Mario: Plus you're kind of a wuss. And I don't like your lazy eye either.
Koopie Koo walked towards the recently established party. She was not happy.
Koopie Koo: Koops! Are you trying to join Mario's party!? Without me!
Goombella: Oh great... It's your bitch girlfriend Koops.
Koops: Oh... .uhh... Hey Koopie Koo... Oh golly, ummm... uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh... Hi... Uhhh.. Which part of that did you overhear?
Koopie Koo: ... ALL OF IT! Koops, you're supposed to be weak and worthless! That's why i'm dating you!
Goombella: Wow... what a let down…
Koops started to get teary eyes as a result of Koopie Koo's remarks.
Koops: But... Koopie Koo... PLEASE! I wanna do this for me! For you. I finally feel like i'm in a group that understands me!
Mario: "Understand" might be a little strong you know...
Koops: With them, I can end up being the strong 1 of the village when I come back!
Koopie Koo: No you wont! And I'm the tough 1 of the village! Thats why you need me! You will always be a bitch. You will always be worthless. I. Own. YOU! Got it!? You are nothing without me! Without me, you would still be that creepy 12 year old child obsessively playing with legos!?
Koops started to go into a full on crying session.
Koops: BUT I STILL DO THAT!
Koopie Koo: Koops, that dragon, will KILL you. Do you want to die like a coward?
Koops: *sniff*... no?
Koopie Koo: Good. God! your such a stupid idiot. You know that right?
Koops: Yes?
Goombella: Oh my God. Koops! Don't listen to her. She just wants to get what she wants cause she's a Manipulative BITCH!
Koopie Koo: This doesn't concern you goomba! If I were you, I would just go home.
Goombella: Why don't YOU go home bitch! Better yet, why don't you just crawl in a dumpster and just die!
Koops: Uhh...
Koopie Koo started to get really huffy.
Koopie Koo: ... WOOOOOOOW. LEIK, OKAY FINE! IGNORE ME! I don't even care anymore! Your the worst bf EVER!
Koops: Wait! I'm sorry!
Koopie Koo: Fuck all of you! Okay!? I'm done, have a nice life you stubborn jerk!
Koopie Koo power shelled through Mario, Goombella, and Koops: [1 Damage All]
Fucking Hostile by Pantera somehow started playing in the background.
Goombella: OKAY LISTEN BITCH! I HAD ENOUGH OF YOU COPYING MY STYLE, ENOUGH OF YOUR BULLSHIT SEX ATTEMPTS, ENOUGH OF YOUR 2 FACED BULLSHIT, AND YOUR MANIPULATION! I ONLY JUST MET YOU AND I HATE YOU MORE THAN I HAVE EVER HATED ANYONE EVER IN MY LIFE!
Koopie Koo: Whatsa matter? Is the baby goomba bitch going to cry some more!?
Koops started to looked at Goombella and started to lightly nodding in agreement at Goombella signaling her to keep going.
Goombella: I'M GONNA KILL YOU!
[BATTLE MODE]
Goombella: power level 16/18
V.S.
Koopie Koo: power level 5
Goombella uses tattle: This is Koopie Koo. He's a pompous bitch with a power level of 5 and a broken nose!
Goombella shot herself directly at Koopie Koo brutally breaking her nose far worse than Koops' nose injury. Blood was all over her face: [2 damage]
Koopie Koo: OOOWWWWWWWWW!
Koopie Koo fell on her back as she was knocked down.
Goombella flipped off Koopie Koo. Use your imagination.
Goombella: Had enough bitch!?
Koopie Koo forfeits.
[END OF BATTLE]
Koopie Koo started crying as she was holding her broken nose together to keep tons of blood from spilling out. She then started to have 1 of those ultimate toddler like temper tantrums that are probably nostalgic to most of you reading this.
Koopie Koo: I HATE YOU! I FUCKING HATE YOU YOU FUCKING UGLY BITCH FUCKER! YOU'RE A MOTHER FUCKING COCK SUCKING DICK ASS WHORE! YOU FUCKING CUNT ASS BITCH WHORE SLUT BIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Koopie Koo ran off having a bitchy temper tantrum.
Goombella: Yeah! You better run bitch!
Mario:... DAMN GOOMBELLA!
Koops: *Sniff sniff* Hey uhh... Goombella?
Goombella: *sigh* Koops, Im sorry I beat up your girlfriend. But you have to understand, she was THAT terrible of a person. You can see where I'm coming from right?
Koops: No, you were absolutely right... You said and did all of the things I wish I could have. No seriously, I've fantasized about beating her up for years now. So... thank you standing up for me and stuff...
Mario: Okay. Fuck it. You can join us. But if shit starts to get real, we're using you as our human shield.
Koops: NO WAY SERIOUSLY!? OH YES! YES! YES THANK YOU SO MUCH! THIS IS FINALLY GONNA BE MY BIG BREAK IN LIFE! I promise you won't regret this.
Mario: We better not.
[INITIATION MODE]
Koops' abilities are extremely self loathing. Basically, when Mario jumps on him while in his shell, he can pretend like he's a combination of a bowling ball and a boomerang. Apparently, he's fascinated with the sensation of being abused. I guess that's what he's used to dealing with.
[END OF INITIATION MODE]
Koops: Sweet! Im on your guyses team now! This is gonna be so awesome!
Goombella: Oh guys! We still need to put the stones in the rocks!
Mario: Oh right! I forgot about that shit.
Mario: So wait, which 1 goes in which?
Goombella: *Sigh...* You put the sun stone in the rock with that sun shaped hole, and you put the moon stone in the rock with that moon shaped hole. Didn't you learn shaped in kindergarten?
Mario: That was the year where I got really addicted to pot.
Koops: Why do those stones suddenly remind me of Pokemon?
Mario and Koops installed the stones into the large relics. Doing this majically conjured a ritual where 2 blue transparent Super Mario World/64 looking switches rose from the ground along with a shrine with some kind of stupid instructions that tell them how to access the warp pipe.
They couldn't figure out how to read the fucking shrine so they just walked to the castle manually. So yeah/ All that was for nothing you know. While they were walking, they established their team name would be known as "The M Team"
Chapture 2 - 5: Dungeons and Dumbasses!
At long last as if it didn't take almost 2/3rds of the fucking chapture, Mario, Goombella, and Koops I guess made it to the castle with walking through the hills like sensible people.
[Hooktail's Castle]
As Mario and his strange friends kept adventuring, they entered a room where they spotted several piles of Koopa skeletons everywhere as if they all ate each other or some shit. This room obviously smells like nothing but ancient rotting flesh, and anciently voided bowls.
Goombella: OH MY MIYAMOTO! IT SMELLS IN HERE!
Koops begin to notice a Koopa Korpse wearing a pair of blue shoes. This might actually be Koops' father.
Koops: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
Goombella: What?
Koops: OH NOOOOO! NO WAAAAAAYYYY!
Koops ran towards the corpse with the blue sneakers.
Koops: I can't believe it! MY DADDY is DED!11
Koops began to cry like a toddler who lost his toy lawn mower from his crib.
Koops: DADDY'S DED EVERYONE! OOOH MY GOOOODDDD! BLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!111
Koops barfed all over the floor.
Mario: What the hell is with and you saying "daddy?" Seriously I mean, how old are you?
Goombella: Ehh... Cut him a break Mario. He just saw his dad's corpse.
Mario: Well, I'm sorry, all of this is really just... really gay! And boring too.
Koops: Hey wait? There's a letter molded in it's flesh.
Koops began to read the letter.
"My mission to destroy the foul beast has become a failure. But I tripped and broke my leg on the way to fight it and now I can't fucking move. So, basicly, I heard that Hookertail has PTSD over crickets and the sound that they make. They make the dragon weaker. Before I ded, I wanna tell you my son, I hate you. You should have been a cum shot inside a fucking condom that I would poorly discard in the trash. You are the worst piece of shit and you give this whole planet a bad name just by your existence. Kill yourself. I'm ashamed to call you my son; Kolarado. Serious, go kill yourself."
Koops: Wait... Kolorado!? Does that mean daddy forgot my name!?
Mario: No. Thats not your dad. Thats... nevermind...
Koops: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhh... Ummm... Yeah. Thats good. So maybe daddy's still alive. Mario: I highly doubt that.
Koops: Wait, so maybe daddy's corpse is lying around here somewhere!
Goombella: Koops, shut the hell up. You're confusing me. Is he alive or ded?
Koops looked around and saw a pinkish reddish skeleton guarding the doorway.
Koops: Maybe that's daddy!
Koops began to shake the corpse franticly.
Koops: Hey! Daddy! Wake up! Hehe... Look at me!
Red Bones (Age 292): STOP! FUCKING! SHAKING ME!
Goombella: IT'S ALIVE!?
Red Bones: You all clearly have no value for the ded if you all are shaking corpses and reading letters and throwing up everywhere! Now you all will know what it's like to be ded!
1000 dry bones' rose up like zombies. The entire room suddenly become cluttered with them. There were even some massive piles of them stacked on each other struggling to move. It was looking like fucking China!
[BATTLE MODE]
Battle Music: Angel of Death, by Slayer. I have to. I mentioned Slayer and I'm not looking back. Or did I?
Mario uses hammer smash: [1 Damage]
Mario: Power Level 28/30
Goombella: Power Level 16/18
Koops: Power Level 27/30
FP: 5/5
V.S.
Dull Bones: Power Level 3
Dull Bones: Power Level 3
Red Bones: Power Level 15/19
Dull Bones: Power Level 3
Dull Bones: Power Level 3
Mario: You look like a gay anorexic homeless man that took enough meth to turn pink! I bet you can't even suck dick for it cause no 1 wants a blow job with that much teeth!
Red Bones: KILL HIM!1
Goombella used tattle on Red Bones: This is Red Bones. he is so fugly. But he is a little stronger than the normal Dull Bones. He has a power level of 19. Thats stronger than me! Even if its HP drops to 0, it can come back to life. So... finish it last.
Mario uses multibounce with no effective results.
Goombella: I almost forgot, they all have a defense of 1. So use your hammer.
The 5 Skeletons started throwing parts of their bodies at the team.
Mario: Fuck! that does hurt!
Goombella uses tattle on Dull Bones: This is called a Dull Bones. Not Dry Bones apparently. They have a power level of 3 and they don't respawn when you kill them they're so weak.
Mario uses POW Block with no negative repercussions other than killing of all 1000 of the Dull Bones in the room: [2 Damage]
The Red Bones Remains.
Goombella switched with Koops.
Mario: Wait, we can't all 3 fight at 1ce?
Goombella: Apparently we can't...
Mario: THAT SUCKS!
Red Bones throws a boner bone at Koops
Koops uses bowling ball shell attack on Red Bones:
Mario uses Power Smash delivering a skull crushing blow directly at Red Bone's skull
[END OF BATTLE]
Mario Goombella and Koops proceeded onwards in the castle. After a few useless tedious puzzles where they all kept screaming at each other except for Koops who usually just got screamed at it seems, they stumbled on a room with an Ancient Black Chest similar to 1 that they saw earlier. Mario totally won't get cursed again... Oops. I didn't gave anything away did I?
Mario: Oh heeellll no!
A soft spoken voice began to speak in a soothing male gender like tone.
Black Chest Voice (Age 1040): Oh oh oh wait what? Oh... my dearest apologies.
Black Chest Voice: What's the matter? Why you fright so?
Goombella: Your not gonna curse us are you?
Black Chest Voice: Oh heavens to murgatroyd, you must have partaken in the confusion of myself being acquainted with a potential doppelganger of mine. I mean you no harm...
Goombella: Well thats good. You seem mmm much more pleasant than the last trapped box spirit we faced.
Black Chest Voice: Well you see kind sir, I have been trapped in this small square like structure for what may possibly seem like a millennium by now. You are the first voices I have heard or talked to since I was placed in this visually absent space. Is it possible that you 2 are legendary heroes.
Goombella: Were really not.
Mario: Yeah. Were The M Team bitch!
Goombella: Mario, buy a dictionary, and look up "social," and "filter."
Mario: Well obviously, this poor soul wants out of the box. It might as well know our team name if we're gonna do that.
Black Chest Voice: Wait, You mean you will partake in an act of kindness that enables an exit from this vicinity?
Goombella: So wait, so your box looks like you need a key to open it, do you know where is it.
Black Chest Voice: I may have a slight clue, but my memory is yet so vivid. Perhaps it may be wondering in a room next to us.
Mario: Oh, so its like the last key? Alright. Easy! Sweet! 1 key for your ass coming up!
The 3 of them took the door to their right and entered a room of what may seem like a trap. There seemed to be a treasure chest stranded in the middle of the room.
Mario: See look gaywads! Its right here.
Goombella: I don't know, I see alot of holes in this room that look like they're waiting for something to happen.
Koops: Yeah. I'm kind of scared. My intuition is kicking in.
Mario: Intuition is for pussies!
Mario opens the chest and grabs the key like a mindless retard with his head cut off. Guess what friggin happens? Spikes! Spike came out all of the holes in the room. Luckily no 1 got stabbed. Koops almost got stabbed though. the spikes also formed a maze so maybe they'll have a chance to escape. But they have to hurry cause the ceiling full of spikes is closing in on them. That is so fucking brutally literally metal!
Mario: shhhhhhittt...
Goombella: MARIO YOU ASSHOLE! NOW WERE GONNA DIE BECAUSE OF YOU!
Mario: Yeah no kidding... I can't even think of a better deth than this right now.
Koops began to look around and started to notice a way out. Hows that for intuition!?
Koops: GUYS! I think I just figured out a way out of here!
Goombella: What really!? Well lets go then!
Koops: Yeah! Mario, grab the key and come on!
The 3 morons quickly escaped from the treacherous trap where they almost met their deth but escaped just in time before the ceiling closed in on them. They started panting alot afterwards.
Goombella: Phew! That was close!
Black Chest Voice: Hello? I hear your voices again! You all must have retrieve the key from the trap room I presume?
Goombella: You forgot there was a fucking trap that could have gave us THAT gruesome of a deth?
Black Chest Voice: You have the key right?
Mario: Yeah just 1 second.
Mario opened the ancient chest of a somewhat living thing trapped inside it. Do you want me to explain to you what happens?
Black Spirit II: UH-OH! LOOKS LIKE WE GOT SOME DUMB ASS BITCHES UP IN HERE!
Mario: OH GOD DAMNIT!
The Black Spirit came out of the blue and isolated Mario in a background of nothing but DARKNESS! It looked exactly like last time. The background music is When the Pimps in the Crib by Snoop Dog.
Black Spirit II: OH MAN NIGGA! WHY YOU GOTTA BE THE DUMMEST ASS BITCH ALL AWW TIME!? SO YOU KNOW WHAT? KNOW WHAT? Guess what imma do instead. I'm gonna curse yo ass. Thats right nigga. I'M CURSIN' YO ASS!
Black Spirit II: AIGHT AIGHT, So, you know how yo fat, right? Well get this shit, since yo fat, yo ass got some of em' tig ol' man bitties! So get this. Get this. When you press dem tig ol' bitties together, you'll start sweating alot and shit. You've seen em Gatorade commercials right!? Only that ain't some normal sweat, that shit is straight up bacon grease!
Mario: Heh... cool.
Black Spirit II: HAHHAH YEEE... Yo ass is gon' be embarrassed and all them bitches are gon' be callin you "jive ass turkey!" YOU LIKE THAT!? HUH? "JIVE ASS TURKEY!" Well, anyway, I gotta flah. I'mma spend the rest of mah existence floating around in some Grape Flavored Kool-Aid at a factory! PEACE BIAAAAAAAAAAATCH!
Black Spirit II flew away for good. The background turned completely normal and Mario was left with another curse. At least with this 1, he can do that anywhere. I wonder when he'll need to do that shit next?
Koops and Goombella ran towards him in hopes that he was alright.
Koops: Mario! Are you alright? You're not gonna die are you?
Mario: No I'm good. I just a little bit of the big C. Thats all.
Koops: Cancer!?
Mario: Cursed Koops! "Cursed!" You don't pay attention do you.
Goombella: So what kind of curse did you get this time?
Mario: Uhh... Apparently when I press my chest together tight enough, I can sweat bacon grease…
Mario later opened the door where he found a room full of treasure along with a white ball shaped female mouse thing with red high heels and a red raccoon like mask covering her eyes.
Ms. Mowz (Age 25): Well my oh my! Who are these sexy gentlemen and fine lady we have here?
Mario: Who the fuck are you?
Ms. Mowz: Who mii? Teehee. Why, I'm Ms. Mowz you pretty piece of parmesan! the SEXIEST thief that models and steals things around the world! I'm kind of a big deal you know...
Goombella: Uhh... yeah are you a fucking stripper or something...?
Ms. Mowz: So you 3 never heard of me sweet swiss? See, I hear these rumors of treasure. Rare treasure! Like, badges and stuff! Rare and valuable badges here in this castle! Say! Why are you all here? This castle is kind of dangerous you know. And I don't wanna see any of your balfour booties get hurt by some dragon.
Ms. Mowz: Especially not you my sexy hunk of cheese.
Ms. Mowz began to direct her attention towards Mario.
Koops: Umm, well...
Mario: Were here for 1 of the 7 dedly stars. So yeah. Don't touch it or I'll fucking kill you. I'll eat you alive while I wear a cat suit and eat you. And believe me, it won't be cute like a Tom and Jerry episode either. It will be gruesome, and gory. Even too gory for this parody! Also, Hookertail has it.
Ms. Mowz: So theres a dedly star you say? Well, sounds like I just learned something I probably shouldn't have you Foolish Ficaccios!
Goombella: Okay seriously, what's with the cheese jokes? Seriously. Last time I checked, cheese isn't sexy. And stop the slutty shit too! Its gross! I bet you're cheese puns are even cheesier than your yeast infection!
Mario: Nice 1 Goombella!
Ms. Mowz: Jeez guys... I was gonna say. Its all yours, I was just in here for some treasure but damn! You guys are messed up... Whatever, I'm leaving. In the mean time, this is for you my mustached mostaccioli!
Mario: Who me?
Ms. Mowz grabbed Mario by the back of his head and started french kissing him ferociously for about 10 seconds.
Goombella: OKAY! You need to leave slut! Now!
Ms. Mowz: Fine... tata for now my Lovely Labnehs!
Ms. Mowz jumps out the window somehow not leading to a fatal fall due to her ninja skills!
Koops: Damn Mario! She like, raped you man! You sure got a way with the ladies! My gf was even gonna fuck you.
Mario: Yeah. For me, chicks are pretty easy. I don't know what is. I'm like, the grossest person in this entire universe!
Goombella: Oh please... she's a fucking slut that's trying to be slutty for the sake of being slutty... What's that skank's deal? Like seriously?
Mario: I'm starting to think you just hate every female ever...
Koops: Well, we don't know if ...Ms. Mowz is even really a slut...
Goombella: Im sorry, did you not see her smootch Mario like a friggin animal just there!?
Mario: I did. It was hot. She had mouse breath, but still...
Goombella: Are we ready to go and fight Hooktail or what?
Chapture 2 - 6: How to Drain Your Dragon! (A childhood crushing porn parody awaits)
A few minor undescribed castle puzzles later, Mario and friends at long last encountered the room containing the Dragon in the flesh ferociously staring at them giving off a aminus stare.
Hooktail: WHO DARES APPROACH ME?
Koops freaked out as he hid in his shell for dear life.
Mario: Oh god! Already with the high and mighty crap are we? Yeah, We're here to MURDER-FUCK you Hookertail!
Goombella: Will you stop taunting him Mario!
Hooktail: RAAAAWWWWWWWWRRRR! I'M A FUCKING WOMAN DRAGON!
Mario: Oh shit, it was a "she!" Ha! Well the Dragon from Shrek is far prettier than you! Either way, we're kicking your giant red ass till you hand over the dedly star! Were all gonna rape you you hear me!?
Hooktail: SILENCE! YOU 3 THINK YOU CAN BEAT ME!? OVER SOME TREASURE !? A FOOLISH DECISION INDEED I MUST SAY!
Mario: Oh yeah!? Well my whole fucking existence is foolish! But not as foolish as my foot in your ass Hookertail!
[EPIC FUCKING BATTLE MODE!]
Battle Music: Night Crawler by Judas Priest
Mario: Power Level 30
Mario: Power Level 18
Koops: Power Level 30
FP: 10
VERSUS
Hooktail: Power Level 105 (first triple digit pl of this series so far!)
Mario: Before we start, I would like to happily inform you with this. You look like a rejected hideous fucking Barney character from some cheesy cartoon version of hell. You must have tried cutting yourself when you found out that you were too fat and ugly to be a cheap groupie for Ancalagon the Black!
Mario deeply offended Hooktail with his trademark insult tactic.
HOOKTAIL: RWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAaaa! YOU, I'M NOT EVEN GONNA EAT! I'M GONNA CHEW YOU UP AND CRUSH YOUR REMAINS AND BURN THEM TILL YOU'RE NOTHING!
Mario uses regular hammer attack: [1 Damage]
Goombella uses mighty book of knowledge: This is Hooktail. A giant dragon that can attack by biting, stomping, and breathing breath of fire and stank! She hates the sound of crickets. We already knew that… Oh yeah, and has a power level of OVER 100! 105 to be exact.
Hooktail uses stomp on Mario: [5 Damage]
Mario: SHIT! THAT FUCKING HURT!
Mario uses Powerful Hammer Smash of Deth!: [3 Damage]
Goombella smokes a joint of fire weed blowing the smoke like fire at Hooktail: [3 Damage]
Hooktail uses bite on Goombella: [5 Damage]
Hooktail: MMMM YOU'LL BE SCRUMPTIOUSLY DELICIOUS WHEN I SWALLOW YOU WHOLE!
Goombella: AAAAHHH FUCK! How did that not kill me! I don't even know how to counter something that big!
A random cricket started hopping around chirping for every turn making Hooktail disturbed and nauseous
Hooktail: Is that a... CRICKET!? WHAT'S IT DOING IN HERE DURING THE DAY!? I CAN'T EVEN TRACE WHERE IT'S COMING FROM!
Mario uses the power smash attack on Hooktail: [4 Damage]
Mario: Yeah! Suck on that!
Mario bent down in front of Hooktail as he mooned her by exposing his own ass .
Goombella smokes some more fire weed and blows more fire at Hooktail: [3 Damage]
Hooktail: I'LL SHOW YOU FUCKING FIRE!
Hooktail uses flamethrower on Mario and Goombella: [3 Damage All]
Goombella switched with Koops.
Mario uses power bounce. That jump where he can jump on the same opponent multiple times before fucking up: [6 Damage]
Hooktail: Okay okay! Stop! I Give up! I'll be a good dragon from now on!
Mario: Yeah... Thats bullshit... you're just saying that cause you know you're about to get murder-fucked!
Hooktail: NO! FOR REALZEEZ! Look, is there anyway I can prove it!
Mario: Yes. Hand over the dedly star.
Hooktail: The Star of Wrath you say? Hmm... How about I give you 10 coins instead!
Mario: ... Yeah, no thats a fucking rip off...
Hooktail: K... You wanna buy some ketamine... This some really good ketamine. Its ancient too! Some say that it's high will never wear off. How does that sound?
Mario: ... Well OKAY!
Goombella: Mario! That kind of ketamine doesn't even exist! Im high as fuck and I know that!
Mario: Damn. I guess you're right.
Hooktail: But wait? You like feet right?
Mario: Go on...
Hooktail: Ahhh... I can sense your foot fetishing ways hero. Some say that my feet has the most arousing smell that you can possibly imagine. Does that interest you?
Mario: Okay, you got me that, I would love you smell your feet, I may even do a little more to your feet too.
Hooktail: YOU FOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLL!
Hooktail bit off Mario's left arm: [3 Damage]
Mario: AHH FUCK ME ARM! IT BURNS AND I CAN'T FEEL IT!
Hooktail gains 10 HP. Don't ask how that's scientifically possible.
Mario ate a shroom growing back his arm half way: [+5 HP]
Mario: Koops, I need 1 more!
Koops gave mario another shroom to eat: [+5 HP]
Mario's arm fully regenerated like the lizard king!
A cricket in the background continued chirping.
Hooktail: AAAHHHH! SOMEONE KILL THAT THING! I SPENT CENTURIES TRYING TO REPRESS MEMORIES OF THAT SOUND!
Mario uses Power Smash of PURE PAIN!: [3 Damage]
Koops uses the last POW block: [2 Damage] Oh by the way, Koops' dumbass just killed the cricket with tha.
Hooktail uses stomp on Mario: [4 Damage]
Mario: AWW! YOU FUCKER!
Mario uses regular hammer blast: [2 Damage]
Koops uses shell slam: [2 Damage]
Hooktail: I'M NOT DONE YET!
Hooktail uses bite on Mario: [5 Damage]
Koops: I'M GONNA KILL YOU DRAGON!
Koops uses a glorious shell slam on Hooktail bouncing off her toe thus uppercutting her hard enough to be fatal: [1 Damage] ha!
Hooktail: No... I cant die... Not like this... I still have so many innocent live I wish I could have eaten!
Hooktail passed on.
[END OF THE FUCKING BOSS BATTLE MODE YAY!]
Koops and the rest of them noticed a dirty hairy blue shelled Koopa crawl out of Hooktail's corpses mouth covered in gross dragon slime.
Kooply (Age 34): Finally... I'm out of there! Hmmm... someone must have finally killed her...
Koops: DD… DAAAAAAAADDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! BLEEEERRRGGG!
Koops ran over to Kooply like a horny school girl and started hugging him tightly and crying all over him. He also kept kissing his cheek all over.
Kooply: Uhh... Who are you exactly?
Goombella: That's Koops... I'm assuming he's your son? Hopefully?
Kooply: OH! Koops! My favorite result of lying about using a condom! You aged quite a bit haven't you?
Goombella: Wait, so how did you survive inside there for 10 years?
Kooply: Hmm... Well to be quite honest, Hooktail swallowed many koopas whole over the past decade... I had to partake in a little... you know... koopa kannibalism in the dragon's stomach.
Goombella: That's for sure! Also, were looking for a dedly star. You know of where it may be?
Kooply: Hmm... Hang on 1 second… I don't suppose you mean this doohickey right here?
Kooply holds up the Star of Wrath.
Goombella: THATS THE 1!
Kooply: Ah yes... This thing gave me light for the time I spent in the dragon's stomach. If you want, you 3 can keep it.
Goombella: Oh thank you so much!
Kooply hands Goombella the Wrath Star.
Mario : Well... yes... This is all well and good... Well... all this talk about sex with dragons reminds me... I got a little you know... thing to settle with Hookertail...
Goombella: Umm... What are you doing?
Mario: Yeah... I wasn't kidding about "Murder-Fucking" the dragon so... I'mma go ahead and just... do that.
Looks like Mario and his strange friends have collected 1 of the 7 dedly stars. Along the way, It appears as if he's actually making friends throughout this adventure despite his inability to get along with people. An evil dragon maybe vanquished, but they have a long way to go before they unlock the ancient treasure behind the 1000 year door! What upcoming journeys for the dedly stars await them? Find out next issue, as we break on through to the next exciting chapture of SUPER MARIO AND THE THOUSAND YEAR DRAMA!
- To be continued
Credits:
Credits music playing: Nervous Breakdown by Black Flag.
Creator: IAMMASTER
Based on a True Game
You suck if you actually needed these answers.
Answer to Question 1: D
Answer to Question 2: B
Answer to Question 3: C
Answer to Question 4: Any
Answer to Question 5: A