I know it's been a while but I've been working on a script for a competition & my creative writing portfolio for college, so this kind of just had to be low priority for a little while. It's going to happen sometimes, but I can assure you all that I'm not going to abandon the story, I always finish what I start.
And it's not as if I haven't been working on the story at all, I have now completely planned the whole thing out, chapter by chapter! And I'm really excited about what I've got coming for you guys, some of it I think you'll love, some of it I know that you won't. Either way, I hope this was worth the wait, even though there's not a lot of Dan/Blair interaction in it.
It had turned out the night of the Snowflake Ball had been a lot more eventful than Dan had known. He didn't know many details, and didn't much care for them, but Jenny could not stop talking about the tension between Serena and Aaron. Dan knew that Jenny didn't really care either, but that she was just trying to distract him. That wasn't the big news. The big news was Lily leaving her husband for his dad. It was bigger than big, it was huge. But when Rufus talked to them about it, he downplayed it as much as he could and tried to prevent them from freaking out by telling them that it didn't mean he and Lily were going to suddenly get married and they were going to be taking things slowly. Dan and Jenny nodded along and each said something about hoping he was happy, but they both knew that someone leaving their husband for someone else was a big deal.
It was still being kept quiet. As far as Dan knew, it was only his and Lily's family that knew. For now. He had called Serena, but she wasn't talking to him yet. Jenny had got information from Eric and relayed to Dan that Serena was furious at Dan anyway, but now with her mom's impending divorce and her issues with Aaron, she definitely was not going to take the time to hear him out. Dan hadn't made any effort to contact Blair, he had hoped that he'd be able to talk to Serena first to feel out how Blair was doing and that, once he explained, she might help him to get her forgiveness. Nate had called him once, they had a quick catch up, but he hadn't mentioned anything to do with Blair, so Dan expected that he hadn't even been forgiven by Nate yet.
As for Blair herself, she had been all over Gossip Girl, showing her big smiling face everywhere in an effort to prove that she was not concerned with Dan's articles at all. But as much as she acted like they wouldn't mean anything, everyone else was counting down the hours until the first once came out. Which was that morning. Dan didn't think it would be too bad, this chapter was mostly about Blair and Serena's issues which he was pretty sure everyone knew about already. But she would still be humiliated. Rufus still didn't know anything, Dan was sure that he already had enough on his plate and didn't want to burden him anymore. Jenny didn't mention it and instead they headed to Lily's for brunch. Rufus had no idea about the friction between Dan and Serena, but Dan wanted to show that he supported Rufus's decision to be with Lily and Jenny had told him that Eric didn't think Serena would even be there, so once Dan had finished an hour of last minute Christmas shopping, Dan headed to their building.
But once he entered the lobby, he stopped in his tracks. Chuck was swaggering out, wearing a suit with a trench coat over it and his hair slicked back. His self-satisfied expression didn't falter when he saw Dan, like he didn't even see him, but the two walked into each other's paths.
"I thought you and your dad moved out." Dan said, trying not to sound too confrontational.
"While it is true that my father and I have moved back to the Palace, it doesn't mean that we're on bad terms with Lily and her family. I was just giving Lily and Eric my regards." Chuck replied superiorly. "But I see you and your father are seizing the opportunity to move on in."
"I'm just here for brunch." Dan replied.
"Just remember, Humphrey, it doesn't matter what your address is, you're Brooklyn trash and you always will be." Chuck snarled.
Dan wanted to hit him, or at least push him. He felt his arm tense in anticipation, but he knew no good would come from it.
"Lily doesn't seem to mind. And she's not the only one." Dan finally responded and walked past Chuck, but didn't get far before Chuck had to say something else.
"Maybe that was true a few days ago, but since Gossip Girl posted the truth and you, no one will ever let you into this world again. You'll always be on the outside."
"Don't think I don't know it was you who sent the tip into Gossip Girl." Dan stepped back towards Chuck.
"What does it matter if it was? It doesn't change the truth." Chuck replied.
"What matters is that I was going to come to you and ask for your help to stop the story from being published. Not for me, but for Blair. But when you found out the truth, it was more important for you to hurt me than protect her. I think that matters to Blair."
"You know my source didn't just tell me about the story, but she also forwarded the chapters to me. I especially like chapter six, you know, the one all about Claire and Charlie." Chuck hissed. "It seems pretty clear to me that Claire loves Charlie and would forgive him for anything."
"Is that really all you got from that chapter? Did you completely miss how miserable you make her?" Dan spat back.
"Of course I noticed the Anna Karenina reference about how, to Charlie, Claire was a beautiful flower that he had to make his, but by picking her, he would succeed in making her his whilst simultaneously guaranteeing that everything beautiful about her, that had made him want her so much in the first place, would wither and die."
"And you think that's a good thing?" Dan asked coldly.
"What I think is, it doesn't really matter whether I'm good for her or not. I'm the only one she wants." Chuck said smiling triumphantly and Dan couldn't deny that Chuck had achieved his goal, that had stung.
Dan knew it was completely immature and ultimately pointless, but he wanted to hurt Chuck back.
"I'm not going to do this with you anymore, Chuck. My family is waiting for me upstairs, you know, the one that doesn't want you anymore?" And with that he turned and walked away again, this time not stopping for anything.
Dan had not been in a good mood anyway, so his run in with Chuck really did not help to improve his manner at brunch. Lily and Rufus talked casually, side-stepping any mention of their relationship, acting like this was all completely normal whilst Dan, Eric and Jenny sat their awkwardly. Serena had arrived halfway through and tried to insist that she needed to go out again, but Lily made her stay and sit with the 'family'. So, things were made even more awkward by her glaring at Dan from across the table. Jenny seized the opportunity to leave when she got a text from Eleanor about some kind of fashion emergency and brunch came to an end soon after. As soon as she got permission from Lily, Serena stormed off to her room, and Dan couldn't let the opportunity slip, so he rushed after her.
"Serena, come on. Our parents are dating, you're going to have to talk to me eventually." He said as he entered her room, and she turned round to face him with her arms crossed.
"Why should I talk to you after what you've done?" Serena asked.
"Because I'm sorry." He replied sincerely. "I am so sorry. Please, just give me a chance to explain."
"Fine, explain." Serena said coldly with a shrug of her shoulders.
"Look, when it started...I just wanted to write, okay? And, well….I used to write a lot about…you. And in one of those stories, I mentioned Blair as well and when Shapiro read it, he thought that she was a really interesting and complex character and told me to write about her. He told me to find out more about her, so I did. I wrote one story and thought that was it. Shapiro loved it, so he told me to keep going and…I didn't mind because I started to genuinely like Blair and then I got this offer to get it published so….I never thought anyone would read it. Well, no, I knew people would read it, but not anybody that actually knew Blair." Dan added quickly when Serena squinted at him. "For what it's worth, I changed my mind. I tried to stop it from getting published but it was too late, there was nothing I could do."
"Okay, it's one thing to write the story, but what you wrote…the way you wrote it was just cruel. To me and Blair." Serena snapped.
"You read the chapter this morning didn't you?" Dan asked helplessly.
"Yes, I did."
"Serena, what I wrote…it was nothing like what you read this morning. I wrote it, then Shapiro edited it, then I rewrote it for New York Magazine, it was edited again and again till it was what they wanted it to be. That is not what I think of you, you have to know that." Dan tried to explain.
"Maybe it's not what you think, but you still let them change it. You let me – and Blair – be reduced to these two…spoilt, entitled, vindicate girls who are supposed to be best friends." Serena replied, still angry.
"In my defence, you and Blair did-"
"Don't even go there." Serena cut him off before he began. "Blair and I aren't perfect and we've have our problems, but we are nothing like those girls in the story."
"Has Blair read it?" Dan asked nervously after a pause.
"No. When I tried to talk to her about it she acted like none of it means anything and is practically pretending that it doesn't exist. Which I know means that she's really scared. And not to mention hurt." She added pointedly.
"I know, I am so sorry." Dan said again, shaking his head like he was in agony over the whole situation. "Do you think, that there is even the slightest chance, that she would be willing to hear me out?"
"No." Serena stated quickly and Dan's heart sank. "Blair is never going to forgive you for what you've done to her."
"Serena, please. This was just a mistake. You know me, you know I'm not a bad guy." Dan desperately urged her.
"I'm not so sure about that anymore." Serena responded as she turned her back to him and busied herself by going through some clothes in her wardrobe. Dan gave up and left.
"So, there was no getting through to Serena?" Vanessa asked once he told her as much of the conversation he could remember.
"No, in fact, I think she hates me more now." Dan sighed.
"Come on, Dan. It will just take time and like you said yourself, you parents are dating now, she'll have to forgive you eventually." Vanessa tried to cheer him up, but all she got in return was a shrug.
"I was thinking that, but…let's say it will take her a week to start to get over it, and then the next chapter about Blair will be come out and I'll be right back to square one. And, for twelve weeks, it's just going to keep coming and….hurting everyone all over again. I don't know why I expect anyone to forgive me, I wouldn't if I was in their shoes."
"Dan, you are a good person." Vanessa tried to assert him. "I know you don't feel very good about yourself right now, but you are. You wouldn't feel so bad about it all if you weren't."
"What does it matter how bad I feel? I still did it. No one had a gun to my heard, no one made me, it was my choice."
"Everyone makes mistakes." She told him softly. "And Blair and Serena have both made bigger mistakes then this, so I'm sure they'll come around."
Dan wanted to say something to appreciate her efforts of trying to make him feel better, but he knew that whatever he said, she would immediately know it was a lie. So, he leant forward on the counter and buried his head in his hands. It had been three days since the night of the Snowflake Ball, and he thought he'd be feeling a bit better by now, but he wasn't. And every time he pictured Blair's face when she had found out the truth, it broke his heart a little more.
Jenny burst into the loft with a bunch of materials folded under her arm and a frazzled look that Dan hadn't seen on her since she stopped working for Waldorf Designs.
"What's going on?" Vanessa asked.
"Eleanor is getting married tomorrow night and I promised to make her outfit!" She exclaimed.
"Why would you do that?" Dan asked, knowing that Jenny still wasn't Eleanor's favourite person.
"Why else?!" Jenny snapped, and Dan and Vanessa froze. They didn't get it. "Because that means tomorrow, I will have to go to Blair's house before the wedding and maybe I might need a big strong man to carry the garment bag."
"Jen, are you kidding?" Dan was shocked. "You…I don't even know what I would say to Blair even if she would, somehow, be willing to listen."
"Well, you've got till six o'clock tomorrow to figure it out." Jenny smiled at him.
"Thanks…I…thanks for doing that for me." Dan said, still terrified, but touched that Jenny was willing to help him out.
"You can thank me by making me coffee, I am going to be up all night." Jenny replied before she rushed straight to her bedroom and got to work.
Vanessa left soon after and Dan struggled to leave Jenny alone. He kept writing drafts of what he might say to Blair and asking for her opinion on them and she would huff as she leant over the sewing machine as he read the speech out to her. Dan eventually realized that she didn't want to be disturbed.
He couldn't sleep, partly because he still felt like he was slowly being eaten away with guilt – though he didn't feel like 'being eaten away with' was a good metaphor for guilt anymore, it felt more like it was rotting him while he was still alive – partly because he could not get his mind to switch off about what he was going to say to Blair, and partly because of the steady rhythmic buzzing of Jenny's sewing machine. It seemed that no one would be sleeping well in the loft that night. Dan didn't even realize that it was after two when Rufus came home.
"Dan….you're still awake." Rufus said, feeling a bit foolish, when he saw Dan stretched out on the couch with his notebook.
"Yeah, can't sleep." Dan replied, feeling awkward as he belatedly realize that Rufus must have been with Lily.
"And Jenny, she's…" Rufus trailed off, as he pointed down the hallway and to the source of the buzzing.
"She's pulling an all-nighter. Fashion project." Dan sighed as he returned his focus to the notebook in front of him.
But Rufus didn't go. He stood there assessing Dan's mood, then decided not to side-step the awkwardness anymore. Dan moved his feet when he saw Rufus approach the sofa and he sat down next to him.
"Dan," he began in a tone that made Dan aware that a serious father-son talk was coming, "I can't help but notice that you've been down lately and I realize that it must make you uncomfortable that I'm dating Serena's mother, but-"
"No, no." Dan cut him off. "It's not about that, really. I mean it is weird, but…I always kind of knew that things weren't over between you and Lily. I'm glad you two are finally getting a chance."
"Then what's bothering you?"
Dan sighed heavily. He didn't want to talk about it anymore, but knew that his dad wasn't going to drop the subject now.
"You know that I was writing that story about Blair?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I had the opportunity to get it published and I felt like I couldn't say no at the time. Then Blair and Serena and everyone else found out about it, and everyone's pretty mad at me right now. All those warnings you gave me that I didn't listen to….you were right."
"I'm sorry." Rufus said sincerely. "Did she really take it that badly?"
"She slapped me." Dan responded quickly. "And since then she hasn't talked to me, so…no I don't think she took it well. And those who will talk to me…Serena and Chuck, hate me right now. Even Nate's kind of mad."
"Have you apologized?"
"Many times." Dan stated, kind of annoyed that he even had to ask that question.
"Then I'm sure they'll get over it, and if not…then they weren't your real friends anyway. Don't be so hard on yourself, it's not the end of the world." Rufus's tone lightened as he patted Dan on the back.
"Yeah, I…didn't exactly tell you everything. The story on Blair that's being published, has also been heavily reworked to paint her in basically the most humiliating way possible. Not to mention all the secrets it will expose. And then there's the fact that Blair found out about it all just as…" Dan paused and recollected himself before he continued, "just as I realized that I have feelings for her."
Rufus tried to hide his surprise, but Dan saw his back straighten and his head jolt back slightly. He didn't know why he thought anyone would not be surprised by his feelings for Blair.
"Oh." Rufus said slowly. "Have you…told her?"
"Not yet. I mean, no and I probably won't tell her at all. Right now, I'm just working on getting her forgiveness and if, maybe…then I'll tell her." Dan said pensively, not being able to be anything but realistic about his chances with Blair. He wanted to sound hopeful, or even enthusiastic so that Rufus wouldn't worry about him so much, but the reality was far too ugly for him to try and dress up. Rufus gave him a nod and a half-hearted smile, then headed for bed. Dan decided it was time for him too to try and get some sleep, maybe it's what he needed to find the right words.
Dan met Nate the next afternoon, they had originally planned on going out for lunch, but with Christmas fast approaching every place Nate liked was heaving and Dan found walking through the streets too claustrophobic so they walked through Central Park instead. They continued to pretend that the Blair issue didn't exist and wouldn't mention anything even on the fringe of that disaster, but Dan knew something was bugging Nate and eventually he got him to talk about Serena.
Yes, it seems everything went down the night of the Snowflake Ball. From what Nate told Dan, apparently Serena had run after Blair, but Blair insisted she wanted to be alone and wouldn't let Serena leave with her. Serena and Aaron then ended up arguing outside because that night was meant to be some kind of special night for them, but she just wanted to cut the evening short and go home – alone. Aaron stormed off just as Nate came onto the scene. He didn't go into details, but apparently there had been some kind of moment between them.
"But apparently it doesn't count for anything, because I saw her this morning and she told me that she's going to Buenos Aires with Aaron tonight." Nate finished the story.
"Why don't you ask her to stay?" Dan asked as if it was a simple resolution.
"No, it's not like I want her to stay for me, I just…I didn't think that she was that serious with Aaron. I'm over Serena, I am, but I just feel like she's with the wrong guy." Nate shrugged casually.
"Mmm." Dan sighed in agreement. "Why don't you just tell her that then?"
"It's not really my place, is it?" Nate responded.
"You're her friend, aren't you? You know, it's surprising that Blair hasn't run him off yet, when we were at the MOMA the other week we were talking about Walter Sickert and she said that even the potential Jack the Ripper was a less creepy artist than…." Dan trailed off, the smile quickly fading from his lips as he realized what he had said, and how much he missed Blair. "I mean, there's nothing wrong with you looking out for Serena."
"Right." Nate said dismissively, then cleared his throat. "So, we haven't really talked about Blair."
"No, I…I thought you were still mad at me about that whole thing, so I thought it was best to not bring it up." Dan rambled a bit, as he and Nate continued walking forwards and didn't look at each other.
"I was and then, when I read the first chapter yesterday, that didn't really help. It was ugly, man."
"I know. You have no idea how much I wish I could take it all back."
"So, should I be expecting a chapter with me in it soon?" Nate asked, sounding surprisingly relaxed about it all.
"Um, yeah." Dan replied nervously. "Blair's love life is kind of spread out over two chapters, the first one about you and your relationship with her, then the next one about Chuck."
"Which chapter's that?"
"Five."
"Well, it's good to have a warning. How do I come off, by the way?"
"I think you get off pretty easy." Dan replied, feeling more uneasy the more they talked about it. He had expected it to be the opposite.
"Huh." Nate responded, then paused for a moment. "I get why you wrote it and that you thought that you could get away with publishing it without anyone finding out."
"You do?"
"Yeah, that's not what bothers me. It's…how personal it all is. I mean, I think about everything I told you about Blair, without even meaning to, and…it makes me feel like this is partly my fault. Like I've betrayed her too. So, I guess I'm mostly mad that you've put me in that position." Nate explained carefully.
"I'm sorry." Dan said, the words most likely becoming the two he had said most in his lifetime.
"I know you are, I'm just not sure that's going to be enough. I mean, for me, it is." Nate added quickly when he sensed Dan tense. "I'm over it, but…for everyone else, this might just be unforgiveable."
They changed the subject after that and wondered around for another twenty minutes before Nate got a text from his mom and had to go home to help her out with some kind of decorating disaster. Dan wandered around on his own for a while, there was something calming about the cold air. Like it could numb all the pain and you could stop hurting. And it gave him time to think. Not that he was really focusing on anything anymore. He'd given up on trying to plan on what he was going to say, but as he wandered around the darkening streets of New York, he realized that anything he might say wouldn't mean much to Blair. But there was something that he could do that might make her see who he really was.
As soon as he got in the door, he saw that Jenny was freaking out but had somehow finished Eleanor's skirt-suit in time. Not that he ever doubted she could do it, but it still impressed him. She scalded him for being out for so long, then gave him the garment bag and they left. Dan thought the journey would feel slow, but it actually went far too quickly and before he knew it, he was in Blair's elevator listening to that ding that meant the time had come.
They stepped into the penthouse, and Jenny snatched the garment bag away from him and ran off before he could try to stop her and he panicked now that he was alone. Except he wasn't alone, Serena and Aaron were there.
"Dan, what are you doing here?" Serena sounded pissed.
"I carried the garment bag." Dan said nervously.
"If this is some tragic attempt to see Blair, you are-"
"Serena, it's alright." Dan heard Blair's voice and turned to see her descending the staircase.
He would never get used to the sight, it seemed like every time he saw her, she got even more beautiful and would leave him stunned all over again.
"If Dan wants to talk to me that's perfectly fine, I need to thank him anyway." Blair spoke confidently, too much so. Her voice was almost unrecognizable.
Serena and Aaron exchanged an awkward look and left the room as Blair approached Dan, appearing eerily calm.
"Thank me?" He asked nervously.
"Well, yes." Blair laughed slightly. "Now that my minions know what I can do to Serena, they're even more afraid of me then they were before."
"You read it?" Dan had hoped she wouldn't.
"I did, I must say you captured me perfectly. When I first found out about the story, I was mortified because you are the last person I'd want telling the world about me, but you are actually not a bad writer." She said way too politely.
Dan wasn't buying it.
"Blair, I want to tell you why I did it-"
"No need." She waved her hand facetiously. "Isn't it obvious? However, I must admit, you really had me fooled. I was actually starting to think that you were genuinely my friend, though I should be honored that you chose me to be your muse."
"I'm sorry I hurt you." Dan said quietly.
"You didn't." She stated confidently.
"I know that I did." He replied, trying to coax her out of this role she was playing.
"I don't care about you enough for you to be able to hurt me!" She snapped viciously.
Dan paused while she regained her composure and they both shifted awkwardly. Then Dan took a deep breath before he reached into his coat and pulled out his notebook. He reached out for Blair's hand and was relieved that she didn't snatch it away, he placed the notebook in her hand and held it there.
"This is pretty much the closest thing I have to a diary." He told her, terrified but determined. "I brought it just for when I need to quickly write things down, and it does have some short excerpts, completely unedited, of the story I did on you. It's got a lot of things that actually happened, things that I wrote down as soon as I could because I wanted to remember. Some of them good, some of them bad, and some just little things that Serena or Nate would tell me. It's got a lot of theories I had about you. Just little notes to myself, like reasons why you might have this rivalry with Serena, or that maybe it was Chuck's abilities to play on your insecurities that drove you to him, things like that. But it's got a lot of my thoughts. Which, lately, have been mostly…about you. So, anyone who read this would know a lot more about me then they would you and after what I did to you, it's only fair that you get to find out all about me too. I want you to read it, because I want you to know everything. How all of this happened, and that the Claire Carlyle you read about is not how I really see you. I want you to have the completely unabridged, raw, deeply personal and even embarrassing, truth. Even if all you decide to do with it is send it into Gossip Girl, it's probably a lot less than what I deserve anyway."
Dan finished explaining, but didn't let go of her hand quite yet. He stared into her ensnaring, dark eyes, desperately trying to communicate how important this was. She tried to remain stoic, but Dan swore he could see her bottom lip trembling, then she gave a slight nod and he relaxed. He heard Jenny's footsteps coming down the stairs and turned to see her, she glanced at them nervously as she tried not to intrude.
"Everything alright?" She asked lightly.
"Yeah, we can go now." Dan replied.
Jenny nodded her head then headed to the elevator, and Dan watched her as she pushed the call button, but when she stepped inside his feet couldn't move and he turned back to Blair, one last time. He took her hand which was holding the notebook, and covered both with his hands.
"This is everything, Blair." He told her. "I couldn't give anyone more than I'm giving you now. Merry Christmas."
He let her go a second time, and slowly turned, ignoring every instinct that told him to stay. Half telling him that he hadn't said enough, that he could apologize to her all night, tell her what writing that story really meant to him and how much he had come to care for her. The other half wanting him to go and snatch the notebook back, it meant too much, it would make him too vulnerable and waiting for her reaction would slowly kill him. But his rationality won out, he had done the best thing he could, and now, no matter how much it made him suffer, he was going to have to wait for when she decided that she wanted to see him again.