Another wait, but I hope this was worth it – it's the longest chapter yet! Also, it picks up on a lot of threads that I had started to explore in the past. I don't want to spoil for you what they are though, but I will warn you that Dan & Blair discuss One Hundred Years of Solitude in this chapter, so if you haven't read it yet but want to, might want to skip over some parts.
"As usual, Humphrey, you don't get it." Blair flung her arms wide spontaneously, had she not already drunk half her coffee she would have spilt it over the poor old lady walking in the opposite direction who quickly had to dodge out of Blair's way. Blair had not even noticed her, and when people did seem to part around her, why would she pay any attention to them? "It's not about time, it's the…meaninglessness of time. The absence of time. Nothing changes, nothing moves on or grows. Same names, same personalities, same relationship dynamics and the same mistakes over and over. That's why there are references to the city of mirrors, because the future and past are…reflected in the present. Past, present and future all collide and it all becomes so….futile that time collapses in on itself."
"No, that's not right because sometimes it's a characters ability to see into the future that determines it. Pilar Ternera, for example, when she reads the future she unwittingly triggers the course of events that will ensure what she sees." Dan quickly countered, trying to match Blair's pace as they swerved their way through the New York masses. Blair had a habit of speeding up when their debates became more intense. "It's determinism. Fate. Time is a structure in which the future can be known just as easily as you can remember the past. But…it doesn't help. The characters do make the same mistakes over and over, but that's not the reason that time collapses. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy."
"So, that's the uplifting message that you think Garcia Marquez was trying to convey? Are you sure you got into Yale, Humphrey?" Blair asked as they turned onto a quiet corner, both of them pausing to take a sip of their coffees before continuing.
"I don't think a book about murder, incest and the world ending is intended to have an uplifting message. Why? What do you think the bottom line is?"
"Ignoring the comments on historical accounts, heritage, technological advancements, memory, time and magical realism, you want me to sum it up in one sentence?" Blair asked, raising a condescending eyebrow at him and a smile on her face ready to hit him with an answer.
"Yes." Dan nodded.
"It's about how blind people are. They see what they want to see, not facing the truth until they read it in a gypsy prophecy." Blair said triumphantly, but her tone couldn't completely blot out the bleakness of her statement.
"Mm-hmm." Dan murmured with his lips tight together, immediately earning a glaring look from Blair. She was just daring him to argue with her. In fact, sometimes he was sure she'd make stupid points just to goad him into a debate and she would often surprise him by making a convincing case for what he initially thought would be a lacklustre and misinformed argument. "Doesn't that kind of correspond with my determinism argument?"
"No. Because they have free will." Blair declared.
"Okay." Dan replied, extending his pronunciation of the second syllable. But Blair didn't glare this time. She knew what he was going to ask and already had an answer prepared. If she really did go the lawyer route one day, he was certain she'd be good at it. Dan didn't want to take the bait, but he honestly could not imagine where she got that conclusion from. "Where, anywhere in One Hundred Years of Solitude, is there any indication that the characters actually have free will?"
"It's all the allusions to fate by the characters themselves." Blair smiles, but Dan's still not convinced. "They believe in it, and it influences them, they choose it even. They surrender their free will because it's easier. That's what solitude really is, giving into an enclosed, programmed existence where you cease to be who you could become and to fade into a ghost of somebody else. How else can an entire family actually be in solitude? And they are punished for it."
Dan stayed quiet, staring down at the pavement slabs, but not really looking at them. He didn't see the gum, the lost change or the discarded fast food boxes. He thought about what Blair said. He still didn't buy it for One Hundred Years of Solitude, but she did have a point. When you believe that you're set on one path you tend to follow it.
"I will take your silence as a forfeit." Blair smirked after a moment.
"No, I…you got me thinking about something else." Dan broke out of his trance and stopped to face her as they reached the end of the block and what Blair had dubbed the Gossip Girl no man's land. The designated area where they could get coffee, hang out, discuss, debate and dispute.
"Have I triggered an existential crisis?" Blair looked up at him expectantly.
"Not quite." Dan smiled assuredly and Blair rolled her eyes. "I was actually thinking about the Claire Carlyle story-"
"Ugh!" Blair grunted and stomped away. Well, Blair's version of stomping, which was still much more graceful and delicate than Dan's awkward paces as he quickly chased after her.
"I know I've already told you, but I really think that you should be prepared-"
"Yes, Humphrey, I get it! It's the infamous Chuck chapter, and I'm sure that you paint as us a wealthy modern day Cathy and Heathcliff. I'm prepared.
"Blair." Dan stopped again, holding her forearm to make her stop too. She begrudgingly turned to meet his eyes. "I know that I've defended a lot of the other chapters by saying that they're fiction and that they've been exaggerated. This one's more real. I'm just worried it may hit a little closer to home."
Blair gave a slight nod, acquiescing in the most subtle, fine-I'll-agree-even-though-I'll-pretend- that-I-don't-really-agree way that she could.
"Fine." She huffed. "I will keep that in mind when I pick up my copy tomorrow."
"Maybe you just skip this one…"
"I couldn't!" Blair snapped. "Humphrey, you need to me to read your work and then offer constructive criticism. I'm really the best editor you could ask for, because not only am I intelligent but I have no fear of hurting your feelings."
"And yet you still haven't read my work that I give to you personally?"
"I'm simply too busy." Blair said demurely, then took a delicate sip out of her coffee for affect. Dan was sure it must be cold by now, but she betrayed no sign of anything other than satisfaction.
"Right." Dan said, amused with her act. "I'll see you at school? Last week of rehearsals."
"You're not going to the Met tomorrow?" Blair asked as Dan already began to back away.
"Can't. Working at the gallery."
"Why can't your dad actually employ someone? You work there all the time." She whined.
"I know you're not that familiar with the economic process, Blair, but I go to work, then I get paid, then I buy stuff and pay some other guy's wages. Circle of life." Dan explained assuredly as he turned and walked away. He glanced back at her a moment later to see her walking in the opposite direction, stopping to throw her half full Styrofoam cup in the trash.
Dan had developed a new routine since school had become more laid-back in the last semester. He was working at the gallery a lot, even though he didn't technically need the money. Nate had been talking about going travelling over the summer, and he was sure that Serena would go spend some time with him too, which had sparked Lily to suggest that Dan, Jenny and Eric go meet them for a week or two when they were in Rome. It didn't even enter her mind that Dan wasn't comfortable with her paying for him. Vanessa had also given him an open invitation to come backpacking with her, so ideally Dan would want to backpack through parts of Europe with her, in twenty-one days they could go from Latvia, down through Bulgaria, Belarus, Poland, Czech Republic, Austria and into Italy. They could spend a week with Nate and Serena, along with Jenny and Eric, then Vanessa could splinter off, Jenny and Eric could go back to the Hamptons and Serena could go meet Blair in France, which, as Dan understood, is where Blair was intending to spend most of her summer with her father.
That could leave Dan and Nate alone for a while, and Nate had been trying to convince Dan to go sailing around Greece with him and said that it would take at least two weeks to get the best out of it. Then, just maybe, Dan could go to France and see Blair. Maybe he'd have to create a pretence because Blair still hadn't quite come to terms with the fact that they were actually friends, but he was confident that she'd accept whatever false reason he could give her, knowing full well that it was a lie.
It was a nice plan. Dan pictured it as a montage with some nostalgic music playing in the background, touring ancient ruins and sleeping in hostels with Vanessa, her laughing at him as he tried to sleep on top of his possessions, certain someone would try to steal anything that he left vulnerable. Sitting in a restaurant with her, Jenny, Eric, Nate and Serena that overlooked the city of Rome, eating good food and drinking fine wine. Sharing pretend disapproving looks with Nate and Eric when Serena and Jenny brought too many clothes. Then sailing with Nate over a clear ocean with Nate, then at night they'd sit at the end of the dock, their feet dangling a few feet above the sparkling water. They'd drink beers and look over the mass of the ocean and the immensity of the star-filled sky, not needing to talk to know that they were both pondering the meaning of their lives.
Then he pictured Paris with Blair. Not always Paris, but he knew her mother's company had offices there and spent a lot of time there, so he imagined that if Blair was in France anyway, she'd spend some time with her mother too. She'd be at a party wearing a stunning ballgown, speaking and laughing to her mother's business partners in perfect French, but when they walked away her smile would fade. She'd walk out to the balcony and gaze at the Eifel tower, sparkling against the night sky. Then she'd feel him behind her. She'd turn and see him in the kind of suit that Dan would have to let Serena pick out – Serena would have to orchestrate pretty much the whole thing, telling Dan where Blair was and then actually getting him into the private party – she wouldn't say a word, just smile. Then he'd walk over to her, take her hand and dance. That was one of over a hundred of Dan's fantasies, but it was his very favorite.
So, he worked. Not expecting the Blair part of it at all, but he'd tell himself that life isn't all about romance and spending time with his friends before heading off to college, in places he'd never been before, experiencing things he'd never imagine he would do…that was a vision that he could turn to reality. And maybe, just maybe, he would let Lily help out a bit. It was worth swallowing his pride a little to be able to spend the summer with his friends, it had increasingly begun to feel like his time with all the people he cared about was running out.
It hadn't exactly been pride that had made him resistant to taking the money and gifts that Lily gave him, but also the fear that he might lose who he was. Money corrupts, he had spent most of his life believing it, feeling superior to those around him who actually had it by telling himself that they may be rich, but they've never have the mental clarity that he has. But, he'd come to know some of those people with money pretty well, and he was wrong. But, he still feared wealth in some strange way. The other part of it was that he was going to college in a few months and he was going to have to take care of himself, he was beginning his life and he wanted to be independent.
So, he did his best to start taking care of himself now. Which wasn't that big of an adjustment, he had started to become pretty self-sufficient once his mom had left. He worked, he wrote, he read, he studied, he went to school, he went to rehearsals, hung out with Nate, when to exhibits with Blair, had Humphrey brunches with the new Humphrey-Van der Woodsen clan and had just enough time left over to sleep. That night he slept surprisingly well considering the Claire Carlyle chapter that filled him with the most anxiety was coming out the following day.
He thought of other things. He spent the afternoon at the gallery, but, as usual, it was quiet. So, he rearranged the coffee mugs behind the counter, then sat and read a beginner's guide to philosophy. He'd had it for over a year, and had read bits and pieces, but what Blair had said to him the previous day had stuck with him, so on his way out of the loft he had absent-mindedly picked it up.
He immediately turned to the chapter on free will vs. determinism and quickly became absorbed with William James's explanations of free will and chance. James was an advocate for free will, but never explicitly explained how or why it might be correct, but promoted an anti-determinist attitude towards life. To believe that you do have free will and act accordingly; 'Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.'
Dan turned these words over in his head and thought back to other philosophical dilemmas he had read previously, which had already strongly established in his mind that you can't force a belief. So, what if you don't truly believe that you can succeed? Despite how optimistic you try to be, if you believe that a particular and inevitable fate exists for you, then how do you shake that? What is belief and how is it shaped? Dan got a headache and made mental note not to sign up for any philosophical classes when he got to Yale.
When he got back to the loft, he found Jenny and Vanessa sitting at the table, Jenny with her laptop placed in front of her. The two looked at him and then in unison glanced at each other in silence.
"What?" Dan asked.
"I guess you could take it as good news…" Jenny said, trying to sound perky.
"And what's that?" Dan questioned, as he grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator and then sat down beside her.
"Your latest chapter is really popular." She span the laptop towards him, the page open on Gossip Girl, extracts of his latest chapter bolded with a trademark Gossip Girl quip beneath them.
"She been doing the usual? Lining up the dates and pictures from last year with the events in the story?" Dan sighed, passing the laptop back to Jenny.
"Yep, but uh…." Vanessa trailed off.
"What?" Dan said again.
"There's something else." Jenny said, clicking away before she showed him the screen once again. "She posted this about an hour ago."
Before he even had time to think about what possible context could go with this picture, his heart sank. Blair was crying. The picture was blurry, because someone had tried to zoom in on her from across the street, her hair was blowing round her face and her hand partially blocked one side of her face as she attempted to sweep it away, but he could see the tear tracks on her cheek. Then he took in a bit more, she was leaving Chuck's dad's hotel.
Spotted: Blair Waldorf leaving the palace in tears after putting her heart on the line, seems like she just can't get this Bass to bite.
"Is that all she says?" Dan asks as he goes back to Gossip Girl's homepage, scrolling through for any more information about what happened to Blair.
"No, but…" Vanessa began, "everyone on Gossip Girl has making jokes about it. She's probably humiliated on top of…being…on top of whatever she's upset about in that picture. I think she's going to try and stay out of Gossip Girl's orbit for a while."
"You okay?" Jenny asked, watching as Dan stared at her picture.
"Yeah, I just…I gotta call her." He explained, immediately jumping up and going to his room.
She didn't answer. Twice. So he called Serena. She didn't answer. Then he called Nate.
"Hey, do you know if Blair's alright?" Dan got straight to the point.
"Umm, yeah…." Nate replied, a little taken aback. "She's, she's Blair, you know? She's fine."
"What happened with Chuck?"
"Dan…" He whined. "You can't ask me about that-"
"Please, just tell me that…" Dan took a deep breath. "Just tell me that I haven't screwed up her life even more."
"What? No, no." Nate replied reassuringly. "What happened, it's not because of you. You should know, it's just another instalment in the chuckandblair blairandchuck saga."
"So, it wasn't prompted by the chapter today?"
"Well…yeah, it kind of was, but…it would have happened anyway. Just don't put this on yourself, man. You do that too much."
"She wouldn't answer her phone when I call her." Dan said dejectedly. He heard Nate sigh on the other end.
"It's not personal." He said after a moment. "Right now, she's with Serena and…it would be rude if she took a call when she's hanging out with her best friend. I bet you anything that she will be completely normal tomorrow at school."
"You think?"
"Yes." Nate said confidently. "She'll be fine, you and her will be fine, everything will be fine. Okay?"
"Okay." Dan breathed out, feeling better just saying it.
"I'll see you tomorrow."
"Alright, bye." Dan said before hanging up, then assured himself that Nate's right. But stringing those two words together….'nate's' and 'right'….suddenly weren't so assuring.
When Dan saw Blair at rehearsals, she seemed completely normal. Just like Nate had said she would, but Dan still wanted to talk to her about it and find out for himself. They weren't rehearsing for real that day, it was more rehearsals for the stage hands and the light and sound effects people. They were learning their cues and Julian was just ensuring that each scene would transition seamlessly into the next, so Dan and the others could get away with fluffing their lines and wondering off in between the scenes before their final dress rehearsals the following day. She gave nothing away as they sat in the constructed carriage and recited their lines that were now second nature to the both of them and therefore harder to put passion into. Julian didn't care though, he started to yell at the lighting guy for not fading in as smoothly as the script had directed. Dan decided to take the opportunity.
"So…" He began nervously, "we haven't really talked since the latest chapter-"
"For God's sake, Humphrey!" She snapped, making Dan jump. "I knew you couldn't just let this go. I'm fine okay, just like I told you I would be. It's no big deal."
"But I saw on Gossip Girl that-" Before he could finish the lights went down and the curtain dropped, Julian began to scream about how hopeless they all were.
"Thank God." Blair muttered, ungracefully climbing out of the carriage and disappearing backstage where Dan couldn't follow.
He fiddled the rim of his hat, not really sure what to do with it as he wondered aimlessly backstage, feeling hopelessly sorry for himself when Serena wondered into his path.
"Serena." He greeted, but her name came out as if he were frightened of her.
"You're not going after Blair are you?" She asked with a tight smile and her arms crossed tightly across her chest.
"No, I…I would, but she's in the girls' dressing room, so…" He let out a little nervous laugh, things were still more awkward with Serena than he thought they should be considering they practically family now. "I know it's not really any of my business and I'm the last one you'd want to tell about any of your private conversations with Blair, but I know that something happened yesterday and I just want to know if she's okay."
"No, she's not okay." Serena responded frankly. She suddenly seemed about three feet taller and she was going to shake her finger at Dan like he was a naughty child. "What you wrote…really got to her. But you weren't wrong to write it."
Dan froze, he hadn't even realized he had been looking down at his shoes until he looked at Serena's face to see if she was serious.
"Blair never thought about her relationship with Chuck the way you do, she thought that all the…let's just say not so good times, made it bigger somehow." Serena sighed heavily before she continued. "When she read how….pathetic you made it all seem, she wanted to prove you wrong. That's why she went to Chuck, she told him that she didn't want to play games anymore and wanted to be with him."
"Did she…tell Chuck that she loves him?" Dan asked nervously. "I mean, she… she hasn't even really talked to him in weeks, it seemed like she was over him."
"Blair doesn't let things go that easily." Serena replied. "I don't know exactly what was said, all I know is that she was left heartbroken and humiliated. Again. Just like your little story predicted would happen over and over."
Dan lowered his head again. It didn't feel good to be right. Actually, Chuck rejecting Blair wasn't the issue, what was really getting to him was that Blair still wanted to be with Chuck. He thought back to when he had first talked to her about her relationship with Chuck, he could see how deeply she cared about him. Even after finding out about Chuck attacking Serena, Dan knew that he was still in Blair's orbit somehow. But he'd thought that it would have sunk in more over time, not just be forgotten.
"I know that you've been trying to make up for what you did to Blair." Serena began speaking again, interrupting his thoughts. "Blair won't admit it, but Nate me told that the two of you have actually become friends somehow. But, right now I think she needs some space. You should leave her alone for a while."
"Okay." Dan agreed solemnly even though he didn't quite get why.
He thought about for the rest of the day and realized that he had charged into Blair's life a lot recently. Even today, he'd been determined to try and make her talk about something that she clearly didn't want to talk about just to try and ease his own conscience. He'd become so focused on becoming a man of action lately, maybe it had made him selfish. Maybe you had to be selfish to be a man of action, because you act on what you want. He decided that Serena was right, that Blair needed to be left alone and he was okay with not seeing much of her for two or three weeks. The play was nearly over and done with after all.
Making that decision strangely felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He thought it would feel more like giving up, but he couldn't quite put his finger on what he was feeling. Vanessa and Jenny hung out with him at the gallery and Nate showed up too. Nate admitted to never having made his own coffee before and so Dan and Vanessa instantly gave him a crash course, with predictably messy results. Stepping back to avoid the foam overflow and laughing as Nate began to panic and began to push all the buttons and pull all the levers on the cappuccino machine, Dan was not thinking about Blair at all. Until a tall, charming but threatening reminder walked in.
"Mr Waldorf." Dan said in shock but trying to sound happy to see him. Nate, Vanessa and Jenny all turned their heads quickly to see the imposing man nonchalantly walk inside, his hands dug deep in his pockets.
"Daniel, I've told you to call me Harold." He smiled, but there was something troubling in his eyes.
"Hi, Harold. How are you?" Nate asked, wiping foam all down his sweater.
"I'm very well, thank you, Nathaniel. I didn't realize that you and Daniel were friends."
"Yeah, we uh…" Dan started, then looked to Nate feeling a little lost. "Is everything alright?"
"Actually, I was hoping to talk to you for a moment in private." Harold's tone changed. Dan internally panicked, but nodded and led Harold inside the gallery.
"Don't look so nervous, Daniel." Harold said as Dan avoided eye contact and tried to look interested in the paintings that surrounded them as if he had never seen them before.
"Sorry." Dan took a deep breath. "I just…what's up?"
"I've been reading your Claire Carlyle stories. No, no, I'm not mad." Harold quickly added as he saw Dan's eyes go wide. "I just…I needed to come and ask you how much about Blair…Claire and Charlie is true."
"Have you asked Blair?" Dan asked, hoping to get a feel for what Blair would want her father to know, so that he could respect her wishes.
"No. I would have done, but…you know Blair. You think I don't notice, but I do. She tries to be exactly who she thinks I want her to be. I know what you must think of me, Dan-"
"No! No, I…I like you…sir." Dan sputtered.
"I know you do, that's not what I mean. As a father…you think I've failed her. I told you that I've read your stories." Harold said dejectedly, as if he agreed.
"No, it's not like that. Just because it's what I've written doesn't mean it's what I really think-"
"Daniel, please. Let me finish." Dan pursed his lips tight, trying his best to do as he was asked. "I try so hard to praise her. I always tell her how much I love her and how proud I am of her, but she still puts herself under so much pressure to be…I'm not even sure what she's trying to be. I already think she's perfect. Still…she keeps me at a distance. It's like she doesn't want to burden me with what's troubling her, that's ridiculous isn't it? I'm her father, I'm meant to be there for her but she won't let me."
Dan waited as Harold took a step back and rubbed his forehead. He remained quiet, so Dan decided it should be okay for him to talk again.
"My mother left about two years ago. She just kind of woke up one day and decided that her life here wasn't enough anymore, so she packed up her bags and left. She came back for a while and tried to make things work, but…she has a life somewhere else now. One that I'm not a part of."
"I'm sorry to hear that." Harold replied earnestly.
"I don't see her very often, so when I do, I…I act like everything is okay, better than okay, brilliant. I don't really know why, sometimes I think it's because…I want her to see what she's missing. I want her to regret leaving me. Other times, I think it's because we have so little time together that why ruin it?" Dan paused and took a deep breath. There are lots of things he had wanted to say to Harold Waldorf once, back when he thought of him as a cold-hearted, selfish man who left his daughter without a second thought or a sting of his conscience to enjoy his own blissful life with someone he had deemed more important. But things were never that black and white.
"When I called my mom to tell her that I got into Yale, she didn't answer and I had to leave a message. The next day she sent me an email to tell me how proud she was. She lives in Hudson. You crossed continents to be here for Blair to tell her how proud of her you are. So, no, despite what I may have written, I don't think you're a bad father." Dan stopped to let that sink in. There was something he could never quite figure out about Harold. He always had this quiet confidence, an ambiance of wisdom, but now he was looking at Dan like he was helpless. Like he needed to be guided. "Part of the reason I'm never really honest with my mom, is because she doesn't ask. Sure, she asks me how school's going and how I am, but…I can see it all over her face. She wants the easy answer, not the truth. You have a very special daughter. I don't need to tell you that, you'd have to be blind not to know that already. But because of that, she's got that little bit more of herself to lose. I can't figure out if you came here, hoping I'd just tell you that all that Claire and Charlie stuff is fiction, so that you can leave with a clear conscience and never have to worry about it again, but…if you didn't, if you came for the truth, then I'm not the one that can give that to you. Talk to your daughter."
Dan stood tall, not sure if he was inviting a barrage of abuse for crossing a line, which he was certain he must have done. But, it never came. Harold nodded at him, worry lines creased deep into his forehead and then turned and left. He stood in the empty room for a moment, preparing himself for when he would walk out of that room and would have to stop thinking about Blair again.
It wasn't so easy. Nate, Vanessa and Jenny pounced on him as soon as he walked back into the café, desperate to know what had happened. Dan gave little away, assuring them that he had not been threatened when they joked about that possibility, then insisting that he had not chosen Harold as the older, experienced gay man to come out to, which Nate suggested. He told them that Harold just had some questions about an artist he was interested in and was thinking about ordering a portrait of Roman for his upcoming birthday and they dropped it.
He couldn't help but wonder if he had made a difference. If Blair and her dad would be up all night having a heart to heart and if Blair would finally release so much of what he knew she had been carrying around since her dad had left. Or maybe he could have made things worse. Either way, Harold had come to him, Dan had told him to talk to Blair and now it was none of his business.
During the final dress rehearsals, he forced himself not to look at her. To not try and figure out is she a little bit happier, or a little bit sadder than usual. Or even if she would be giving him a 'you-should-have-minded-your-own-business' death-glare. He didn't want to know. Well, of course he wanted to know, but he didn't want to want to know.
He stood off stage, for the first time in days he was focused on the performance because it has suddenly dawned on him that the following afternoon they would be performing in front of actual people. That panic served as a pretty good distraction from Blair, but then he needed a distraction from the panic, so he tried to just drown himself in the joy of Wharton's aptitude for human suffering.
Dan did hate Julian, but he had to admit that he had done a good job of condensing and merging the scenes to create the story, and for a moment, Dan could watch Blair walk onto stage and take her seat in the mock opera against the crescendo of an unseen orchestra and forget who she was. Instead, he saw the ruined Countess Olenska.
"Upon my soul, it's Countess Olenska!" Isabel yelled unconvincingly. Her bad acting pulling Dan out of the moment to hear a door slam at the back of the theatre, followed by footsteps thudding down the aisle.
Dan turned to see who was so unapologetically disturbing the performance and cursed himself for not expecting this. Chuck Bass stopped once he reached the front row and stared up at the stage, his gaze fixing on Blair.
"It's a pity. Her life is finished."
Dan watched him stand there, finding him difficult to read. His tired eyes were glazed over in a way that suggested he was either hungover or high. Dan couldn't understand why, but he almost felt sorry for him. He looked broken. But Chuck's presence alone indicated that he was there to make a statement.
"She left him, nobody attempts to deny that."
"He's an awful brute, isn't he?"
The scene continued as Dan looked from Chuck to Blair, whose eyes were focused on something across the auditorium. She did not falter, did not look at Chuck, but Dan saw her bottom lip tremble.
"Granny's orders no doubt."
Dan tried to focus, he could not miss his cue.
"It shows no taste. Countess Olenska is a ruined woman."
Before Dan could step on stage, the curtain fell. Confused murmurs spread as Julian began to yell at no one in particular. Dan instinctively glanced at the pulley to see who could be responsible for the mistake, and saw Serena's blurry figure backing away. He was then distracted by Blair's retreating form disappearing backstage. This time he followed her.
He lost sight of her, but common sense told him she'd must having been heading straight for the costume closet. He tentatively opened the door and found her sitting on the spare chaise lounge for the Mrs Mingott character, wiping tears off her cheeks.
"Blair…" He spoke gently as he stepped inside and shut the door behind him.
"Don't, Humphrey!" She sobbed.
"Blair." He repeated, a little more urgently as he sat down beside her. He reached up and softly took her hand, guiding it away from her eyes. She raised her pupils and looked at him, trying to force a glare but it didn't work. "I'm sorry."
"Why?" She almost laughed.
"This…is my fault. I shouldn't have-"
"Humphrey…" She pleaded and Dan stopped immediately. She had never said his name like that before. "I'm not mad at you. I'm not mad at Chuck, I'm just…I'm mad at myself."
Dan wanted to ask why, but he saw Blair furrow her eyebrows and swallow hard. She looked slightly perplexed, so Dan decided to let her talk in her own time.
"None of it hurt. What you did, that hurt, but what you had actually written….it didn't hurt. All that stuff about Serena, about my parents, I didn't care. Then it got to Nate. That hurt." She admitted, smiling through tears about how ridiculous she found it. "Then there was Chuck and that really hurt."
She didn't smile that time, she opened her mouth to say something more but then pursed her lips quickly. Dan waited as she regained her composure.
"I refused to see that Nate didn't love me." She began, not trying to make light of the situation and smile about how ridiculous she was anymore. "At least not the way that I wanted him to. I saw the two of us as the perfect couple, I planned out our perfect future and I couldn't let it go. I kept pretending, because I thought that the next day I'd wake up and it would be a reality. But it fell apart and I fell for Chuck and then…there was a new fantasy. He would tell me that he was the only one who could understand my dark side, that we love the game and…and I believed him. I wanted to, I wanted to become what I thought he wanted."
Blair paused again and this time Dan reached across and took her hand. He wanted to support her because this wasn't about her opening up to him, this was about her being honest with herself.
"I don't like the game." Blair confessed, her voice breaking as she said 'game'. "I thought I did. I thought that was my new…well, fairytale doesn't seem like the right word, does it? I thought that was great love, that it was supposed to be messy and painful and…but it's not, is it? I'm just holding onto a fantasy again. Because I keep thinking that in the future, it'll be worth it. That if I keep, if I keep playing, one day it will actually be over. One day, Chuck will drop all of this and he'll tell me that he loves me and all the games and the…torture that it took to get there will actually have been for something. That I might actually get the relationship that I truly want. I'm just lying to myself again like I did with Nate…."
Blair trailed off as she shook her head, and Dan instinctively put his other hand on top of the one he was already holding. This seemed to remind her that he was actually there, proving what Dan already knew, that she had really been talking to herself all along.
"But you already knew that, didn't you?" She asked, her tone coming off slightly bitter. "It's what you wrote. I'm just this pathetic girl who lets guys walks all over her as long as they give her pretty promises and…I just keep going back, don't I? I am so weak and pathetic that I-"
"No." Dan tried to cut in.
"I cling to…to anyone that could love me and rationalize and justify-"
"No, Blair-"
"-when it doesn't go the way that I know it should. When I'm treated how…I know I shouldn't be treated. But I tell myself…that it's okay. That I can…" She trailed again, rolling her eyes at herself.
"Blair…"
"That I can make them love me. I just accept what Chuck says and does to me because…his daddy never loved him." Blair said in a whiney voice, mocking herself. "I think that if I love him enough it will fix him."
"You can't hold yourself responsible for-"
"It's exactly what I was talking about the other day, I refuse to see what's right in front of me. Because, a part of me really does believe that I'm destined, no, doomed to end up with Chuck Bass. And that belief stops me from letting go even though I know I should."
"Blair, please just-"
"And I know that he does love me." This declaration stopped Dan in his tracks. "That's the thing, I know that he does even if he can't say it. And when he does, sure, we'll be happy. I keep thinking that that will be the happily ever after, but…it will fade. That's our pattern, right?"
"Look, you can't take what I wrote that seriously." Dan pleaded with her. "I'm just…I'm not a psychologist! Come on, it's me! Since when do you care so much about my opinion?"
He had thrown out that last question in a desperate attempt to cheer her up, but she stared at him blankly. She studied him, then snatched her hands away from his grasp.
"Blair, I'm just trying you-"
"Stop trying to be nice!" She cried out. "Just stop."
"Okay. What do you want me to do then? Be mean?"
"No, I just…it's not that I don't want you to be nice, I just want you to stop being so condescending about it."
"I'm not-"
"Stop treating me like a child." Blair demanded. "Stop trying to diminish everything you wrote to try and make me feel better when you know that it's all true."
"Okay, truthfully?" Dan took a deep breath and attempted to start over.
"Please." Blair nodded.
"I do not think that you are pathetic, okay? And I certainly don't think that you're weak. But I do think that…" Dan took another deep breath, not sure how she would react to the harshest truth that he could give her. "Do you know that your dad came to see me yesterday?"
From Blair's expression, Dan knew that she didn't and so continued before she could ask why, and he would lose the point he was trying to make.
"He…had some concerns about you and I don't know if you've talked about that yet and it's none of my business, but one of the things he told me is that he tries really hard to explain to you that he loves and adores you, because he can see that you're trying to be something…else. He said that you pull away from him, that you don't let him see when something's wrong. He couldn't understand why, but I know why. It's because you don't want him to see anything other than the way you want him to see you. Because then he might not love you as much." Dan paused, letting that sink in as Blair listened carefully. "That's a shame because…I think if he saw all the parts that you keep hidden, he'd love you even more. But it's not just him, you do it with everyone. I've seen it. You play perfect daughter for your parents, you play the perfect student for the teachers, and it's what you did with Nate and Chuck too. Even with Lord Marcus, you threw that party and were trying so hard to show him how sophisticated you are and that you're …worthy of him, even though you really didn't need to, you…he already wanted you. I…you want to know something funny?"
Blair smiled slightly as she nodded, completely entranced by what he had to say.
"You even put on an act with me. Not a perfect one by any means, it's what I'm going to call the 'I'm Blair Waldorf and I'm better than you in every way so learn your place, Brooklyn peasant' act." This earned Dan some laughter. "I've seen the worst of you and despite your best efforts, I think I've come to know the real Blair Waldorf pretty well."
"What's she like?" Blair asked nervously.
"Beautiful." Dan replied in a heartbeat. "Although, that's no secret. Fiercely strong. Independent. Outspoken. Capable of anything. And no one can take that away from her."
Blair's eyes shone with tears, but for a completely different reason. She supressed a smile, than winced and suddenly adopted a disgusted tone. "You think I'm beautiful, Humphrey?"
Dan laughed, then adopted his Newland Archer tone of voice. "Everytime I see you, you happen to me all over again."
Without thinking, he took hold of her wrist, undid the button of her glove and in the midst of leaning down to kiss her wrist, he realized what he was doing. He told himself it was too late to stop himself now, to not get awkward, that it's just a joke and Blair was smiling, so she gets it. As he leant down, he ran a finger over tiny blue veins branching out under her pale skin, and then placed a kiss there. He lingered, breathing in her Chanel no.5 and felt her fingers curl round his jaw. His heart started to beat a little harder. He leaned into her hand and decided that yes, this was definitely happening.
He kept his eyes on her hand, as he clasped her fingers and placed another kiss in the palm of her hand, then glanced up to see her reaction. She seemed nervous, understandably so, but he saw her eyes flicker down to his lips before they returned to his own. Dan decided that if he was ever going to risk his life and try to kiss Blair Waldorf, this should be it. Here. Now. With his spare hand he reached for her cheek, he leant forward and she did too and they both jumped apart as the door flung open. Jenny practically fell inside.
"Oh, you're here." She said a little breathlessly as Dan and Blair sat an entirely appropriate distance apart from each other. "Sorry to…it's Julian is looking everywhere for you two and I think he's about to have a stroke, so you two should probably…"
"Of course." Blair smiled politely. "We were just practising our lines somewhere quiet while the curtain situation was dealt with."
Blair smoothed down her dress as she stood up the glided past Jenny with her chin held high.
"Are you okay?" Jenny asked Dan, scrunching up her forehead and certain she must have misread the situation that she just walked in on.
"Yeah. Yes." Dan said a little breathlessly as he stood up and tugged at his lapels as he headed towards the door.
"Know all your lines?" Jenny smirked.