So, I don't really know what to say. It's been a while. And, honestly, it's not been because I've been too busy – although I have been busy – it's been my own trepidation and uncertainty that has stopped me from uploading these sooner. But you guys that have stuck with me really deserve to see this fic finished whether I feel good about it or not, so here we go, two chapters here & it's time I made use of that M rating, so if you're not prepared for that, skip the next chapter.
"Don't tell me that the kiss with Blair is still the headline on Gossip Girl." Dan declared, spying the website over Jenny's shoulder, the now familiar carriage scene pictures pasted over it.
"Well, you did kind of make it worse by not kissing Blair in any of the other performances." Jenny replied, just now taking in that Dan was all dressed up.
"What was I supposed to do? If we had kissed again then Gossip Girl would have still read something into it. Best thing to do is just lay low until it blows over." He explained.
"And that's why you're going to Nate's grandfather's party tonight?" Jenny raised her eyebrows.
"Hey, I have to. Nate's a friend, alright?" He put his arms up defensively.
"Oh, I know. I'm sure it has nothing to do with you trying to stage a run-in with Blair. And I'm sure Gossip Girl won't think that either." Jenny said as she closed the laptop. "Speaking of Blair, have you spoken to her yet?"
"No, she seems to be avoiding me." Dan said as he fiddled with his tie, taking so long that Jenny couldn't watch him suffer any longer and helped him. "Not too late for you to join us, you know. Serena's going too, and-"
"And Blair and Chuck, I know. Tempting as that is, no. Who'd of thought that you and I would switch places?" She sighed as she finished adjusting his tie.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, last year I would have gone to every party that I could get into to try and get closer to those people, the elite. While you would stay home, perfectly happy with the position you were in."
"It's not like that. I'm not social-climbing." Dan explained as he pulled on his jacket.
"I know, that's not what I meant. I was just saying…you're becoming quite the insider." Jenny replied almost proudly.
"Well, I wouldn't say that." Dan chuckled. "Right, I better get going. See you later."
"Bye." Jenny gave a little wave.
When Dan got to the Van der Woodsen penthouse, Serena and Nate tried to rush him straight back out again.
"Wait, are we not…no one else coming with us?" Dan asked, thinking that he'd be part of a group and not a third wheel. Serena and Nate seemed oblivious to this however as they exchanged a knowing glance.
"Blair's going straight there." Nate smiled.
"No, I know, I mean…" Dan trailed off, trying to save whatever pride he could salvage at this point. "I didn't mean Blair, I…well I did, I just…I feel kind of like a third wheel with just the two of you."
"You are right." Serena said gleaming, looking at Dan but addressing Nate. "His crush is really cute."
"Well, this evening is getting off to a swell start." Dan rolled his eyes.
"Don't worry, we won't say anything in front of Blair." Nate replied with the same smug smile that Serena wore.
"This is torture." Dan muttered under his breath.
"Don't worry, it will be a great night." Nate promised as he ushered Dan out of the door.
They had not been there two minutes before Nate was commandeered by some distant relatives who wanted to talk to him about his college plans, leaving Dan and Serena alone. She had been different since the first performance of the play, when she had figured out that Dan had feelings for Blair, friendlier. But Dan still felt that things weren't completely fixed between them, especially as they couldn't figure out what to talk about once Nate had abandoned them. They lingered by the appetisers, making small talk.
"This is pretty good." Dan said as he chewed on one of the snacks.
"You know that's foie gras, right?" Serena narrowed her eyes at him.
He immediately spit it out in a napkin, he couldn't bring himself to eat foie gras since Vanessa had shown him a documentary on how it's made. Serena chuckled as he looked for a place to dispose of the napkin and Jenny's earlier words about him being an insider struck through his head. Moments like this certainly proved otherwise. Serena pointed out the pastry and completely goose-friendly canapés and they ran out of things to talk about again. Dan didn't even realize when his mind – and eyes – began to wander.
"Stop looking for Blair. It can be kind of creepy." Serena said, half joking, half serious.
"No, I, uh…I just…" Dan closed his eyes and sighed. Serena knew, there was no point in hiding it anymore. "Sorry, I didn't mean to."
"It's okay." Serena smiled.
"Is it? I mean…isn't this kind of weird for you?"
"Weird? Yes. But not…I'm not hurt." Serena admitted wistfully. "Truly, I'm not. I'm not angry either, or jealous, just…shocked. And slightly amused by the whole thing."
"Yeah, I can tell." Dan replied, seeing her suppress that mocking smile again. "So, you're not mad at me at all anymore?"
"No. I don't even know why I got so mad in the first place, I'm sorry about all that." Serena said with a wave of her arm.
"No, I think I know why and, come to think of it, I owe you an apology." Dan said, putting down the side plate he had picked up and turning all his attention towards her.
"Dan, if this is about the story, you really don't need to-"
"No, it's not about the story. I owe you an apology for last year." Dan continued.
"What?" Serena asked, completely mystified.
"I put you on a pedestal, Serena. That wasn't fair to you, because then you felt pressure to be that girl I saw. I made you…ashamed of you are. And that's not right, I judged you and that's why you felt like you had to lie to me, it was my fault."
"Dan-"
"Please, let me finish." Dan said quickly, and Serena hesitated for a moment and then nodded. "I'm sorry. I'm also sorry about how I reacted when…when I realized you weren't perfect after that fashion show and your argument with Blair. And I think, I think you kind of did the same thing with me. Last year, you thought of me as this unwaveringly noble and good guy. So, when the story on Blair came out and I had done something….hurtful, malicious even, I shattered that image. Maybe that's why you were so mad. But, I don't know, it's just a theory."
Dan shrugged and turned his attention back to the puff pastries, hoping he hadn't crossed a line with Serena. He really needed to stop being so analytical, he'd got into the habit with Blair, and now he was doing it with everybody.
"That makes sense." Serena admitted after a moment. "I'm sorry too."
"I'm really glad we could talk about this." Dan replied and Serena smiled politely. "And I really don't want to push the boundaries of our newfound friendship, but can I ask you something about Blair?"
"Sure." Serena nodded cheerfully.
"Has she ever…said anything about me? You know, in the having feelings for kind of capacity?" Dan stammered.
"No." Serena replied apologetically. "But she was pretty shaken by that kiss."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I mean, she tried to explain it away by saying she was just freaked out because the whole world saw her kissing Dan Humphrey, but…I know her a little better than that." Serena finished, winking at him.
Dan eyes wandered to the ceiling, he was unsure if he was disheartened or optimistic. Blair had kissed him back, he knew it, he felt it. And Blair was not the kind of person to kiss someone she didn't want to kiss, even if it is in the middle of a play with hundreds of people watching. And there was the other thing, the other thing that Dan hadn't quite figured out yet. Sometimes it was the look, that scornful and condescending eye roll that she had always given him, but over the last year, Dan was sure it had changed in some way. She didn't have the Medusa glare anymore, not that she couldn't make him feel like he would turn to stone though, she definitely could. But that wasn't when she glared though, that was when she would give him the big vulnerable eyes and the subdued, but content smile. Just like that, all the air would be sucked from his lungs and he'd freeze, his feet rooted to the ground in a completely different kind of fear.
Then he spotted her, immediately drawn in by the dismissive strut, but she wasn't walking away from him for once. She was walking away from Chuck. Blair was heading towards an adjoining room, an escape hatch, when Chuck grabbed her arm and pulled her back. Dan crossed the room in an instant.
"Let go of me, Bass." Blair demanded, snatching her arm back.
Chuck saw Dan appear first as he stood behind Blair, ready to back her up if she needed him. He wanted to do more, but had flashbacks of pushing Chuck at the white brunch, and decided it was best that history not repeat itself. Blair followed Chuck's eye line and glanced at Dan, then looked back to Chuck. Dan guessed Blair must have been wearing that Medusa glare again, as Chuck backed away.
"Are you okay?" Dan asked once he saw Blair's posture relax.
"Yes. You're chivalry is appreciated, but unnecessary, thank you." Blair spoke flippantly as she continued her path to the secluded room. Dan didn't notice when he fell into step beside her.
"So, I haven't seen you in a while." He said slowly.
"Well, I wanted to spend the last few days with my dad before he left." Blair explained.
"Oh, right. So, he's gone again?"
"He'll be back for graduation." Blair answered with fake sanguinity.
"But you two…spent some quality time together? Had a chance to talk?" Dan prodded carefully.
"Yes." Blair responded after a moment of hesitance. "Thank you, Humphrey."
She said it as if she was thanking him for his interest, but her pointed glance conveyed the truth.
"Good." Dan said, not sure what else to say. "So, we got some pretty good reviews for the play."
"We did." Blair agreed, her tone suddenly becoming too perky as she turned away from him again. "Who knew you were such a good actor."
"Blair, I'm not that good of an actor. When I…" Dan forced himself back into Blair's path again, for someone that had been so protective of his feelings for Blair, he suddenly couldn't bare the weight of them anymore. "Blair, I'm not that good of an actor."
Blair tensed up again, her mouth half open waiting for words that she couldn't find. She looked around as the seconds ticked by and any lie she was trying to concoct lost validity, then she finally blurted out; "Yes, well, I didn't want to hurt your feelings but I did pretty much carry you through the entire performance."
"Blair-"
"Humphrey, if you'll excuse me, I just need to-"
"No, I won't excuse you." Dan snapped. He and Blair both fell into silence, both bewildered and she a little fascinated that he had actually said that to her. "Can you just, listen, for once?"
"I listen." She whined defensively.
"No, you don't listen. I'm trying to say something here and…if you were listening – or reading – you'd already know." Dan urged her, his mind flickering back to the much more personal stories that he had given her that she still had yet to read. He waited as the speechlessness passed over Blair again as she desperately groped for a way to lighten the conversation again until she realized she couldn't. She shut her mouth tight and turned and walked away.
Dan was ready to leave, not thinking about how he came with Nate and Serena he marched to the exit but Serena stepped in his way.
"Hey, are you okay?" She asked quickly.
"Yeah, I just, I think I'm going to take off." Dan replied, trying to step passed her but she stood in his way again.
"You can't just leave. Dan, what happened?"
"I don't know, I…I tried to talk to Blair. It's all a bit of a blur right now, but I don't think it went well." Dan explained as he ran his hand through his hair.
"Well, look, Nate's gone after her." Serena said, gesturing somewhere outside of Dan's vision. He quickly turned to see Nate disappearing into yet another adjoining room that he had no idea what its purpose was and assumed Blair must have already run inside. "Just wait, please. We won't stay that much longer anyway."
Dan soon succumbed to Serena's pleadings, she was right anyway. He told himself that he overreacted that it was a temporary insanity kind of thing, and he soon calmed down. He didn't even try to spot Blair around the room, but instead just happily chatted to Serena for the next thirty minutes until Nate's grandfather started to make a speech. He called Nate to the stage, and Dan turned to see that Blair was standing at his side.
"Well, our family has many traditions. Some, like touch football, come at a steeper price than others." Nate began and Dan felt a little impatient as the obligatory laughing spread through the room. "But what they all have in common is the commitment to bringing out the best in yourself, but sometimes, well, most of the time, it's hard to know which path will lead you to that better version of yourself. Sometimes, things can come along, that you never imagined you might want. But when an opportunity to be happy comes along, you can't let it slip away."
Nate paused, his confidence seeming to falter as he felt his grandfather tense up behind him. Dan glanced at Blair to see that she was already watching him. She quickly turned her attentions back to Nate.
"Lately, I've been asking myself what I really want, and what potential I have. I guess, I won't know until I try, but I realized something….being that better version of yourself isn't about prestigious internships or the time-honored careers, it's about who you are. How you choose to live, and how you treat the people you care about and, sometimes, to be a better person you put those people first. Because you know they're the ones that bring out the best in you."
Now Nate's grandfather looked really pissed, but as the mood in the room grew more tense, Nate's smile only grew wide with new confidence as he lifted his glass.
"Which is why I plan to spend this summer with my family, my friends and the beautiful love of my live, Serena Van der Woodsen."
Dan looked to Serena who was gleaming with pride as Nate toasted her. He then saw Nate take a swig of his champagne then shoved the glass into his grandfather's hand, whispered something in his ear and quickly jumped off the little platform.
"Did you know he was going to that?" Dan whispered to Serena as people around them reluctantly applauded.
"Yeah, but I wasn't sure if he'd go through with it." She replied as Nate quickly joined them.
"Okay, time to go." Nate said as he wrapped an arm around Serena and quickly ushered both of them towards the exit.
Dan wished he could have talked to Nate about it, but Serena spent the whole ride home telling him how proud she was and how she was definitely going to make the entire summer worth what he did. Dan didn't really understand, but from what he had gathered, Nate's grandfather had got Nate an internship with the mayor's office and it was practically sacrilegious for him to reject it. They dropped him off at the loft, but as they pulled up Serena's mood significantly changed as she read a text message.
"Oh, God, don't tell me Gossip Girl has dropped some bombshell again?" Dan moaned, waiting to make sure everything was okay before he climbed out.
"No, it's…it's nothing. We'll see you tomorrow." Serena said quickly but confidently and Dan went on his way.
"You're back early." Was Jenny's greeting as Dan let himself inside. She quickly turned her attention back to her sewing machine, not looking up at him again.
"Well, it was Nate's grandfather's party. What did you expect?"
"I don't know. You just put a lot of effort into your appearance for a grandfather's party."
"Is dad back yet?" Dan ignored Jenny's comment.
"No. He called to say he's going to stay over at Lily's."
"That makes, what, six out of seven?" Dan grunted. "Why don't they just move in together? They practically live together already."
"That's be weird. Could you imagine the Humphrey's on the Upper East Side?" Jenny asked, having stopped sewing for a moment.
"No, I really couldn't." Dan replied, realizing that he hadn't really given much thought what Rufus and Lily getting together could actually mean for him and Jenny. He shook it off and headed for bed, but it still wasn't all that late so he began to read instead. He was just starting to get sleepy when his phone started vibrating in his pocket, he debated answering it or just ignoring it and going to bed. Until he saw Serena's name flashed across the screen.
"Hey." Dan answered, half expecting something had gone terribly wrong.
"Hi." She said nervously. "Look, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not…but I just spent the last hour with Blair. She read that journal thing and all your stories and she's pretty….well, I just calling because…"
"Serena, what is it?"
"I don't know, I…I shouldn't be telling you this. Look, if you ever had a chance with Blair, it's tonight."