Shizuo ignored Shinra's question and concentrated on the machine, not yet ready to admit to the wealth of emotions that had been consuming him all evening. It was almost laughable, how what had started as a mission to help Anri-chan had ended with Anri sat alone in Shinra's living room, and Shizuo acting as the Flea's nurse. Then again, it was so unfunny that Shizuo couldn't find it in himself to laugh at the ludicrousness of the situation - that was something more up Izaya's street.
"You know what I think, Shizuo-kun?" Shinra persisted, removing the needle from Izaya's hand and setting the vials aside. "I think that you're doing this for Izaya-kun. I think that, in spite of everything you say, you'd miss him if he wasn't a part of your life anymore."
"He's not part of my life!" Shizuo hissed. "He's a fucking intrusion on it! He's like a virus that's invaded it - nothing will make him go away!"
Shinra shrugged and took the blood glucose monitor from Shizuo, glancing at the screen and scribbling the number down with a slight frown. "If you say so."
Shizuo bristled. "Yeah, I do say so. He's ruined my career, my reputation, my relationships, and he's never showed this much regret!" A thumb and a finger pinched together emphasised his point, unadulterated rage radiating from his burning eyes and tense posture. "I hate him, and I always will do. I don't want him in my life at all. I'd be happy if he just fucking died!"
"And yet here you are, helping to keep him alive." Shinra replied with disinterest, focusing on drawing the correct amount of dextrose solution into an IV syringe.
"You don't know anything." Shizuo glowered, slamming his fist on the table dangerously near to Izaya's calf.
"I know more than you think." He replied calmly, injecting the syringe contents into one of the tubes attached to Izaya's cannula. "Have you ever stopped to think about why Orihara-kun insists on bothering you all the time?" Shinra waited for a response he knew he wasn't going to get, the angry footsteps, firmly closed jaw and hiss of heavy breathing from Shizuo's nose telling him all that he needed to know.
In. Out. In. Out. Step. Step. Step. Shizuo was counting in a desperate bid to calm himself. The longer this conversation lasted, the more he was forced to remember everything that Izaya had done to him over the years; the numerous times that he'd lost his job, his self-esteem...the tiny thread of hope that one day, he might be able to control his temper...
The temptation to tear the mask from Izaya's face and let the little shit suffocate was almost unbearable the more he thought about it. The cacophony of whirring and buzzing and beeping would end, and, with Izaya dead, Shizuo's head would never have to hurt again like it had that evening. He'd finally be able to honour his namesake, and become the peaceful person that he'd always wanted to be. He could rebuild himself without Izaya's interference, and his life would no longer be permanently teetering on the edge of a volcanic meltdown.
Yet somehow, Shizuo knew that this wasn't really what he wanted; because making Izaya breathe his last breath would truly designate him as a monster. And there was no way that a person could rebuild a moral life on monstrous foundations.
Killing Izaya wasn't going to rid Shizuo of the miasmic aura of fear and awe that permanently surrounded him, because, like the Black Rider, he was an urban legend. And apparently, being an urban legend is a sentence to immortal entombment in a societally constructed mold.
Ever since his schooldays, no - his childhood, Shizuo had known people to be nervous around him, and what was nervousness but borne from an underlying fear? Everybody was afraid of him, even his parents. They may hide it well, but Shizuo could see the flittering anxiety whenever he was around them, as tangible as their hesitant embraces and the light touches that they gave him (and was Kasuka really not scared, or was he denying it to protect his brother's feelings?).
Of course, Shizuo had friends now, but he could see the fear and panic in their eyes when he lost it.
The anticipation.
Even now, as he was pacing, Shinra was on high alert, like an intelligent hare ready to flee from a ravenous fox. The hare knew that it had a small chance of winning the situation, but that chance wasn't good.
All along, the only person who was truly unaffected by monster-induced anxiety was Orihara Izaya (or so Shizuo thought), and realising this was like the cracked eggshell effect - a lonely, repugnant cold trickling through Shizuo's being at the knowledge that Shinra was right. That Shizuo would miss Izaya terribly if he was no longer a part of his life; because even if they were not side by side, he could always guarantee a face opposite him. A consistent face that wouldn't go away.
Shinra finished refilling the syringe with something else and injected it into the cannula again before turning to face Shizuo. "He does it because he wants your attention," he continued, pressing lightly on one of the electrodes on Izaya's chest. "Izaya-kun isn't stupid - he knows that the attention he'll receive will be negative; but who knows, maybe in some strange way he thinks that he deserves that. It's hard to know what's going on in his mind when he makes such an effort to keep people out of it. My theory is that it's actually one of his crazy methods of maintaining a distance between you two. In other words, he craves your attention and acknowledgement, but he's afraid of them at the same time. He wants you to be close to him, but simultaneously strives to keep a distance from you, for fear of you getting too close."
Shizuo stopped pacing, still breathing heavily and sweating slightly. "That doesn't make any sense. Why would he want me close to him when he knows that I hate his guts? And I don't see how him following me all the time means he's trying to keep a distance?"
"There must be some logical explanation, Shizuo-kun. Like I said, I don't know for sure, but I think that perhaps Izaya-kun's obsession with you stems from him feeling a sort of affinity with you."
Shizuo leaned heavily against the wall, closing his eyes for a few seconds before answering with quiet finality. "That doesn't make what he's done over the years okay." His voice shook slightly, and Shinra noted that Shizuo looked paler than usual.
"No, it doesn't," he sighed "but you need to take some responsibility too, Shizuo-kun. You decided that you didn't like him before you gave him a chance. Orihara-kun may do some terrible things, but he isn't as rotten to the core as you tell yourself he is. Take tonight, for example. From what I gather, Nakura-kun attempted to take revenge. I'm not sure if you know this, but Nakura-kun stabbed me in middle school, and Orihara-kun took the blame. He said that he'd make Nakura-kun pay, and I expect he's been doing just that ever since. Perhaps that sort of vigilante justice is warped, but the fact that Orihara-kun was so affected by me being hurt that he'd personally make this man pay speaks volumes. Maybe if you'd given him a chance, Shizuo-kun, things wouldn't be so difficult between you now, and you'd be able to see that side of him too."
The prolonged pause following Shinra's speech was broken by banging on the front door, signifying Namie's arrival, and the two cut their conversation short. Namie burst into the theatre, eyes wide and mouth slightly open in shock despite what Shinra had told her over the phone.
"Yagiri-san, thank you for coming. As I explained earlier, Orihara-kun is affected by status epilepticus, the aetiology of which I believe to be an acute drug overdose. This is his fourth seizure in approximately 45 minutes, and Orihara-kun has not regained onsciousness in between. Each seizure has lasted close to the five minute mark, which is unusual in itself. I've treated with Naloxone and 10mg Midazolam buccally, as well as Pabrinex and 50ml 50% dextrose to treat hypoglycaemia. His blood pressure reading shows evidence of hypotension, and I'm concerned about hypoxia given the evidence of cyanosis. If you will, an analysis of his bloods will provide more conclusive evidence. I've additionally treated with Lorazepam, but as there's been no significant improvement, I propose that we move straight to anaesthesia and endotracheal intubation."
Shizuo blinked, trying to decode the information as best as he could.
"Can you please set up a continuous IV of Propofol, Yagiri-san?" Namie took the IV bag from Shinra and briskly moved to set it up, stopping only to gently rub the back of her hand against Izaya's cheek.
"Shizuo-kun, can you please check on Anri-chan and try to obtain details of what's happened?"
Despite his previous urgency to get away, Shizuo found himself moving out of the room sluggishly. He felt dull and heavy, like all of this was the heaviest weight he had ever had to hold. And this time, it really was tearing him apart.
Shiki was currently smoking his seventh cigarette of the evening, watching apathetically as Akabayashi patrolled the office, tapping his cane periodically.
"Are you sure that it was Amphisbaena?" He asked for the third time.
"Quite sure. They're the only group that we've asked the Informant to research."
"But there was nobody else in the building when we entered."
"No."
"So if they are a part of Amphisbaena, that warehouse isn't their base."
"It's unlikely."
"Can you describe what the assailants looked like, again?"
"There was a blonde woman, and a man with brown hair. Plain looking fellow."
"Japanese?"
"Yes."
"And they knocked Orihara out?"
"I didn't see them physically attack him in such a way. Orihara left Russia Sushi, walked down the street and collapsed. I don't know where the suspects came from, but the man carried Orihara down an alleyway, and the woman followed."
"Was he physically injured?"
"Not that I was aware of. The man and woman didn't follow Orihara out of Russia Sushi, so if he was injured it wasn't by their hand."
"I see." Shiki stared ahead, deep in thought. "You said that Orihara pulled a knife on the Black Rider, yes?"
"I did."
"What was his motive for doing so? I believed Orihara and Celty-san to be on good terms...did it look as though they were having an altercation?"
"No. The Informant was presumably on his way home, and he suddenly stopped and gripped the street railings. He seemed quite unsteady. Celty-san was passing by, and stopped to show Orihara a message. He must have failed to respond, because Celty-san touched his shoulder, and he immediately drew his knife on her."
"That sounds a bit jumpy, don't you think? Orihara must have been expecting danger."
"Hmm," Akabayashi mused, "I don't think that that's rare though. The boy has numerous enemies, after all."
"Amphisbaena clearly knew that Orihara intended to investigate them, and they've stopped him in his footsteps. There must have been a leak."
"Or he got cocky, underestimated them, and approached the leaders himself."
Shiki smirked. "If he did, we'll have to remind him of his place."
"Yes. We can't have him ruining our operations after all."
Shizuo was sat beside Anri, a cup of tea in his hands and a cloud over his head.
[Can you tell us what happened?]
"It...It was lunchtime, and I was going to collect the register when somebody at the gate asked me for directions. I stood a little away and explained it to him, but he said that he was lost because he couldn't read the map properly without his glasses. I went closer to try and help, and then there was a pain in my leg. I don't remember anything else but waking up in a room in the factory. A man came in and said that my...that my…" Anri faltered, her face colouring "breasts would bring in lots of new customers. I think that they must be doing something really bad."
[I know that that must have been a really scary and horrible experience for you, Anri-chan, but we need to know so we can figure out how to protect you.]
Anri nodded, grim determination forcing her to keep going. "I used Saika to see if Mikado-kun and Kida-kun were there too, but he said only Earthworm-san, Nakura-san and Orihara-san were there. I don't remember any of the other names. I asked him to take me to Orihara-san - I thought that he could tell me what was going on, but when I got there he was tied up and unconscious. The woman was there, screaming that Nakura was a... 'treacherous coward'. She was kicking Orihara-kun, and I used Saika to move her away, but I couldn't use Saika properly, and she got away in the end. I'm so sorry." Tears welled in Anri's eyes, and Shizuo patted her back awkwardly. "Is Orihara-san going to be okay? I don't want him to die!" Tears blurred Anri's eyes, visions of how she'd feel if it were Kida or Mikado in Izaya's place plauging her mind.
[Izaya-kun will be fine. Right now, I think that you need to tell Mikado-kun and Kida-kun that you're safe, and to rest. You should stay here for the night Anri-chan, just to be on the safe side. I wouldn't feel okay with you going home alone. Shizuo, you can stay too. It's getting late.]
"I'm going to go home." Yet despite rejecting Celty's offer, Shizuo found himself glued to the edge of the sofa long after Celty and Anri had gone to set up the guest bedroom. He lowered his head to his hands, confused and miserable. He must have stayed like this for a considerable length of time, because when he awoke from the living dead Shinra and Namie were standing in the living room, looking exhausted.
"Orihara-kun is stable," Shinra announced "but he's going to be under anaesthetic for 12 hours. He'll be lethargic and disorientated when he wakes up, and he'll need to stay here for a further 24 hours, possibly longer. Yagiri-san is going home now, but Orihara-kun is going to need constant monitoring. You, me and Celty can take turns, Shizuo-kun. There isn't much to it apart from ensuring that he is receiving a correct, continuous amount of anaesthetic, and that there are no changes to his physical condition. I'd prefer to transfer him to an intensive care unit at this point, but that would erm..." Shinra coughed awkwardly, his cheeks reddening slightly "well, that would expose me. They'd want to know what had happened for him to arrive at this point, and what medications he's received. As long as you do as I say, it shouldn't compromise his recovery."
"Look Shinra -"
"I know what you're going to say, but we really need you, Shizuo-kun. We all need rest, and it would be too much work between Celty and me. Yagiri-san has done enough already."
"I don't owe him anything."
"No - but please, Shizuo-kun - it's the humane thing to do."
"Don't tell me you're calling me a monster too!"
"I'm not!" Shinra said hurriedly, patting Shizuo on the shoulder in a show of remorse. "I just think that it'd be the right thing for you to do."
"I'll decide that for myself." Shizuo spat, storming to the balcony and leaving Shinra and Namie on tenterhooks.
The night sky was a solid layer of black, fractured only by haloes of artificial light and a dull haze of spitting rain. Shizuo's hair quickly became damp, strands of it hanging in his eyes as he lit a cigarette and lowered his head, Shinra's words repeating like those of a music-box tune.
"I'm not a monster, and I don't want to be like him. Why do people think we're the same?" Perhaps it was his tiredness, or maybe his hair was irritating his eyes, but Shizuo found a tear of frustration running down his face. It could be the realization that despite having secure friendships, Shizuo mistrusted their authenticity - and not because of anything that Tom or Shinra or Varona had done, but because he didn't believe himself worthy of their attention. Yet clearly, despite his constant rain of insults, Izaya did.
Recalling Shinra's story about Nakura-kun, Shizuo shivered slightly, irritated in the knowledge that it wasn't caused by the rain pelting his skin. Images of Izaya helpless and fragile and twitching, running and jumping and grinning,invaded his vision. Shizuo clenched his unoccupied hand into a fist and brought it down hard on the balcony railings, chips of paint flaking off around the dent that he'd created. He groaned loudly, clutching his cigarette tighter. He remembered meeting Izaya clearly. Telling him that he 'pissed him off'. Why? It was that air of superiority - his attractiveness, intelligence, and air of knowing what he was doing, knowing exactly how to pull people's strings, that had drove Shizuo to a fit of rage. But really, was it Izaya's fault for being good looking and clever? He had been a teenage boy then, and it wasn't exactly unusual for boys of his age to recognize their assets.
Maybe I got him wrong all along, but how was I supposed to know that when he does so much fucked up shit? It's not like he ever wanted me to understand him, and I never tried to...but Shinra said that he follows me 'cause he feels a connection with me? I wish he'd find someone else to follow...
Ha, who am I kidding? Shinra's right - he's just as lonely and fucked up as I am.
Shizuo laughed mirthlessly and blotted his cigarette out, raising one hand to scrub his face angrily.
You're a fucking arsehole, Izaya, but I do kind of like chasing you. Everyone else is terrified, but you - you think you're so invincible; and look at how you're hurt tonight. You'd better not go and die on me, Flea...don't make all of our efforts worthless.
I don't want to hate you anymore.