I know, I know! That last chapter was tough, right? Especially with Chuck getting thrown back into the mix. It always had to happen, although Blair had started to see things clearer, she still hadn't let go of him – and Dan knows that. That's part of what sucks.
Not long to go now!
Dan was surprised that Blair wanted to meet him at the Met steps. It was quite a public place, not to mention the fact that it was deep in Gossip Girl territory. He'd been avoiding her for a while. She had called and he had ignored her most of the time – every time they talked she was trying to arrange a secret meeting between them. Dan had had enough of sneaking around.
So, when she suggested the Met steps – even though a part of him was still hesitant to see her – he couldn't say no. He couldn't avoid it anymore. Her choice of location momentarily got his hopes up, he thought that maybe she was ready to make things official between them. But then he remembered Chuck.
Chuck. Dan had been trying hard not to think of that name lately. But he couldn't get it out of his head that they were getting back together. Gossip Girl had hinted at it, they had spent some time together lately, and he had reportedly been showering her with gifts. Flowers, dresses, macaroons, all in very public and theatrical ways. Dan couldn't deny that Chuck was good when it came to the grand gestures.
Dan had no inclination to compete. Blair knew him. She had to by now. And he knew that gifts and gestures wouldn't make any difference now. Regardless of it all, deep down Blair knew who, if anyone, she really wanted to be with. Everyone else just had to wait for her to announce it. Dan had to admit that she was superficial, but he also knew her heart and knew that no present could sway it. Not this late in the game.
Dan spotted her waiting for him. The sunlight framed her figure so perfectly – he'd forgotten that she could have this effect on him. He tried to push it to the back of his mind. He repeated to himself what he had been thinking all morning. Try and be mature. Don't get mad. Let her say whatever she needs to say and be humble about it. Be respectful. He wasn't exactly happy about the way he had spoken to her the last time they had met. He'd had a bad day and emotions were running high, but he didn't want things to play out that way again. He knew he was better than that – and that she deserved better than that.
She waited with her arms crossed and she watched him ascend the steps. Once he reached her, neither of them spoke for a moment.
"Interesting choice." Dan broke the silence, looking around at the other people strewn across the steps.
"Well, I didn't exactly have a choice. You wouldn't meet me anywhere else." She said harshly with her arms still crossed defensively over her chest, but Dan was unaffected.
"I had my reasons." Dan responded calmly. Be mature be mature be mature was still repeating in his mind. "What do you want to talk about?"
"First of all, I want to know why you've been avoiding me." She said in the same tone as before, emphasising 'first' to let Dan know that this wouldn't be a short nor a pleasant conversation.
"It's not quite like that. I've been working a lot, and I was trying to give you your space with Chuck back in the picture. I figured you two had a lot to figure out." He said it without malice or jealousy. He was surprisingly proud of himself, Blair looked taken aback too.
"We've been talking lately." She admitted, barely able to hold his eye contact as she did so. "But I couldn't…I needed to talk to you first."
Dan could see she was suffering and wanted to put her out of her misery. "Look, Blair, if you want to tell me that you and Chuck are getting back together, you really don't need to look so worried-"
"No! We're not…." She protested, still looking just as worried. Dan couldn't quite get it. "He wants to."
"What about you?"
"I don't know anymore." She admitted, tears starting to form in her eyes. She was desperate for something from him, and Dan was desperate to give it her – but he needed a lot more from her first. "I thought I did. For a long time."
"Then what happened?" Dan started to prod.
"I realized it was never going to work out…and you were a big part of that. But now…I think he really has changed."
"You really think he can?" He said too harshly. Which wasn't very harshly at all, but his calm and mature demeanour slipped for a second. He wasn't there to try and influence Blair's feelings in anyway at all, he just wanted her to accept whatever they were. Then, one way or another, he could move on. "I mean…whether he has or not isn't really the point, the only thing that matters is how you feel. So…how do you feel?"
"I don't know anymore." Blair choked as if it physically hurt her to admit that. "So much has happened in this last year and it's all been so intense, I feel like I haven't even had a chance to breathe. Chuck was making me feel so bad, and then there was you….and you made me feel….different. In a lot of ways. But then you hurt me too, and now you're pushing me away and Chuck's finally saying all the things I wanted to hear six months ago. And it's so confusing, it's as if you two are just taking turns pulling me in and pushing me away and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do. What do I do, Dan?"
She wiped a tear away from her cheek. Dan couldn't stand it anymore. He looked around, the faces of tourists and typical New Yorkers alike pulled him back down to Earth. This wasn't the time or the place to get into all of this.
"I can't tell you what to do." Dan stated. It sounded cold, even to him, but he was just trying to hold onto his resolve. "I'm not pushing you away, Blair, I'm trying to give you some space. I think that's what you need right now, so that you can figure some things out. Until then, I don't think we should be seeing each other."
Blair's eyes clamped shut, Dan didn't think he could have that kind of effect on her. He wanted to do anything he could to put a smile back on her face – but he had to remember why he was doing this. Because this wasn't healthy. Because he couldn't be there when she was confused, he had to let her deal with this on her own.
"I'm not trying to hurt you, Blair. I just can't stand here and listen to you tell me that you're confused. So, call me when you're not."
There was still a lot he left unsaid. That, yes, he had hurt her – but she had hurt him too. She had pushed him away and made him doubt everything between them countless times, she was even doing that right now. Dan had taken hit after hit over the last year too, and he can't listen to her talk about how confused she is – because that hurts like hell. For Dan, there was nobody else he even came close to wanting anymore. He needed that from Blair. He needed her to tell him how she really felt, and until she could, he couldn't let this go on anymore.
Even though he knew how this was going to end.
He had known since Chuck had shown up at her penthouse.
"Dan."
He stopped halfway down the steps, allowing hope to crawl inside his mind as he turned back towards her.
"How's it going with your cater waiter job?"
Dan's heart sunk. Again. Really? She was thinking about his cater waiter job right now.
"I can't stay and talk, Blair. I have my next cater waiter job to get to." All his maturity went out the window as he walked away, this time nothing would make him look back. She had looked confused, but he tried not to think about it. He actually did have a job to get to.
He met Corinne and one other, even though Corinne had tried everything she could to get out of working with him again – but he had proven himself several times since the disaster at the Waldorf's. Dan had been the perfect little bitch that he knew all these people wanted them to be.
He had, however, learned his lesson about looking at the addresses he was going to before he actually arrived at them. Not that that was actually any help, it was still too late to try and get out of it. And he needed the money. He tried to tell himself that was all that mattered. That his dream, his work ethic meant a lot more than his pride – and whatever anyone else thought of him.
He wasn't surprised when he heard the address. Perhaps subconsciously he had been expecting it. He was however surprised by the fact that he felt no panic, no desire to run. He knew it was all part of a game, but he was determined to just do his job. No fear, not embarrassment, no anger. That's the only way he could win, by refusing to play the game.
So, he promised Corinne that there would be no drama, then climbed in the van and they set off for The Palace.
It was exactly what he expected once he read that Chuck was hosting this dinner party. Blair, Serena, Nate, Blair's minions and a couple jocks that Dan knew Chuck had never cared for. It would seem like these random Abercrombie and Fitch legacies were there just to balance the girls and the boys, but Dan knew they were just there to add to the witnesses of Dan's humiliation. He had actually played with a couple of them on the soccer team. There was no way this was a coincidence. There were no coincidences when it came to Chuck Bass.
He didn't duck his head, in fact he acted so naturally, that no one even noticed that the brunette cater waiter was actually one of their peers. Well, almost one of their peers.
Dan was in the kitchen was Chuck sauntered in and leant against the counter.
"Humphrey, I trust that I can count on you to deliver the usual exquisite Bass service today?" He said in the horrible whisper-y tone of his.
"I thought there must be something wrong with the 'exquisite Bass service' for you to hire an outside company instead of using your own hotel staff. That's what you usually do, isn't it?" Dan was pretty proud of his reply, but he had to remind himself not to let Chuck get under his skin today. "But you have nothing to worry about. I won't let you down, boss."
Dan said it without a hint of sarcasm, there was actually a little cheer in there – and Dan loved watching Chuck falter after he said it.
"I hope not." Chuck recovered his composure. "Because I'd hate to have to put in a complaint to your boss and tell them that you're not up to scratch."
"I think Le Petit Oeuf will be impressed that I got Chuck Bass to employ their services. I mean, we both know that you're only using them because you wanted me specifically to work your dinner party." Dan did a good job of keeping cheery.
"True. Although I heard you weren't exactly at your best at the Waldorf's."
"I'll have to admit that that's true. Still, Cyrus did give me the biggest tip I've ever seen, so I can't have been that bad. And I was still quite new to all this then, but trust me, I can handle whatever you throw at me today."
Chuck was lost for words again. Only for a split second, but it was enough to give Dan the knowledge that he could keep this up all day. When this happened at Blair's, he broke. He broke a couple times that day. He was humiliated, angry, crushed and resentful. Today he wouldn't break.
"Good to hear." Chuck smiled a smile that put Dan in mind of a cat toying with a mouse. But he wasn't scared. "One more thing, I know that with Serena and Nate out there, you might be tempted to mingle with them, but I'm sure you know that I can't allow that. I have very strict standards here. They are my guests and you are the help. Don't forget that."
And with that, Chuck strolled out. It was meant to be one more dig, but it didn't get to Dan at all. It wasn't even an act. For the first time, Dan simply felt like he had transcended above this back and forth with Chuck. All it had taken was acceptance. Acceptance that Chuck would always win if Dan tried to fight back. Acceptance that he had most likely lost Blair to him. Acceptance that even though he always wanted Nate and Serena in his life as friends, he would never quite be one of them. Acceptance that he was the cater waiter.
"O-M-G." Penelope was the first to notice Dan walk into the room with a bottle of wine in his hand. "Dan Humphrey is the cater waiter."
Everyone instantly turned their faces towards him. Dan wasn't fazed at all.
"Good evening, Miss Shafai." Dan went straight to Penelope's side as she was the one who had addressed him. "Would you like a glass of 1991 Domaine Leflaive chardonnay?"
Everyone was speechless, even Penelope was stunned as she nodded at Dan and he filled her glass. She wasn't speechless that he was the cater waiter, Dan was sure she had already thought of a million things to say about that within half a second of seeing him. But it was his attitude to it that was stumping them. Except for Chuck, he was smiling.
"Dan…" Blair looked genuinely confused. Confused and upset. Then she wasn't so confused anymore. "Chuck, what is this?"
"I know your standards, Blair, and if Dan was good enough to serve at your Seder, then I knew he'd provide an excellent service today." Dan observed that Chuck had his arm over the back of her chair.
"Chuck, you are unbelievable." Serena shook her head. "Dan, you don't have to do this."
"Yes, I do have to, Serena. Now, can I fill anyone's drink?" Dan presented the chardonnay again.
Chuck quickly changed the subject, and the minions obliged, but Blair, Serena and Nate were silent. Dan went around filling glasses, mostly he went unnoticed, but Blair and Serena were overly polite towards him and Nate just looked like he couldn't believe Dan was doing this. He just looked at Dan confused as he filled his glass. When Dan returned to the kitchen, Nate quickly got up and followed him.
"Why are you doing this to yourself?" He asked as soon as they were out of earshot.
"It's my job now. Didn't Serena tell you what happened at Blair's Seder?" Dan replied calmly, he noticed Corinne's grumpy face as the two of them began to talk – but that soon faded when she set her eyes on Nate. Suddenly she didn't seem to mind Dan's drama so much.
"She did, but this isn't a job. This is one of Chuck's games and we both know that this is so far beneath you."
"I know, trust me, I'm not playing any game. But I'm still doing my job." Dan replied calmly, hoping his composure would rub off on Nate. "Look, Nate, I appreciate you trying to stand up for me here, but I can't explain it to you right now. In fact, I can't talk to you at all. It's not very professional, is it? Please, just go sit down. It's okay."
Dan saw Nate's shoulders drop slightly and knew that he would acquiesce. For now at least. He nodded respectfully at Dan and then walked out. Dan got back to work, and prepared to serve the first of the six courses Chuck had organized. It was surprisingly easy, it was like Dan was watching himself from the outside and he could see everything much more clearly. Whenever he walked into the room, Chuck would begin talking about either some elaborate plan for the summer, or something that had happened at some extravagant event years ago that they had all been a part of – except Dan. He knew exactly what Chuck was trying to do, and he couldn't really understand why it wasn't working. Maybe because, for the first time, he was actually on the same page as Chuck. He didn't need to let Dan know that he wasn't a part of their world, Dan had known that and accepted that all by himself at the Seder. That devastating revelation had already crashed down on Dan and he was moving past it.
But Chuck's prodding was getting to someone. Blair barely talked. She scowled at Chuck, she shot Serena pleading looks and glared at Penelope as she was clearly texting under the table – most likely send updates on the situation to Gossip Girl. Dan started to wonder if maybe that had been Chuck's plan all along – maybe he wasn't trying to get him to break, maybe it was Blair he was challenging.
Dan was refilling glasses once again, and when he got around to Chuck, Chuck knocked his arm, causing him to miss the glass.
"Humphrey, you idiot-"
"Enough!" Blair slammed her hand on the table, stopping Chuck before he could tear into Dan. She then turned her attention towards her minions. "Get out. All of you."
Her minions and the nameless jocks quickly disappeared, but Penelope did stop to take a picture of the scene unfolding first. Chuck sat back in his chair, looking very relaxed considering how much anger he was on the verge of a moment ago. Blair's orders had probably been aimed at Serena and Nate too, but they stayed.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Surprisingly, it was Nate who started the conversation. Chuck stayed quiet.
"I'll just excuse myself." Dan quickly tried to make a getaway.
"No, Dan, you stay." Serena ordered, strangely sounding a lot like Blair. "You have nothing to be ashamed of here."
Everyone looked expectantly at Chuck, who just looked just at Blair with the same exact expression.
"Look, if this is about the two of you, then fine." Serena broke the silence. "But you can't drag other people into this. It's not okay."
Serena looked to Nate, then at Dan. They both could see that she was conflicted.
"I'm not going to be a part of this anymore." She continued quietly. "Blair, please…just let this end here. Or, I can't…"
"Why are you doing this to him?" Blair finally spoke, she sounded defeated.
"Why do you care so much?" Chuck replied. He was also quiet, but determined. "Any other cater waiter in this city, I could scream at for carelessness and you wouldn't bat an eyelash. In fact, you'd probably join in."
"I care because I know that this is some plan of yours!" Blair started to shout. "Are you trying to humiliate him? Is that it?!"
"I just wanted you to see that he's not a part of this world." Chuck shouted back, then went quiet again. "I know you've been sleeping with him."
Everyone went quiet. Serena looked shocked, Nate looked confused. Again. Dan wished he could just leave and let them have it all out. He, like Serena, didn't want to be a part of all this drama anymore either. Corinne walked in.
"Mr Bass, if your dinner party is over, should we pack up and leave?"
"Yes." Blair answered for Chuck. "This is over."
Blair grabbed her purse and walked out, Serena quickly followed behind her. Nate looked from Dan to Chuck, then Dan left the room to help Corinne pack up. He didn't see either of them again before he left.
"No drama?" Corinne raised an eyebrow at him as the climbed in the van.
"Well, I wasn't involved in any of the drama. I was just there. I can't promise you no drama ever at these Upper East Side events, don't you know these people?" Dan tried to sound cheerful.
"Oh, sure. That wasn't about you at all."
They rode in silence for a few minutes, then Corinne broke it.
"I was wrong the other week." She said, earning a questioning look from Dan. "The girl, Blair, she must care about you."
"And what makes you say that?" Dan asked, as if waiting for the punchline of a joke.
"She just stood up for you against Chuck Bass. I've seen a lot…but I haven't seen that before." She kept her eyes on the road, not wanting to prod Dan too much.
"Thanks for coming in when you did." Dan replied after a moment. "I didn't really want to stay for that conversation."
When he got back to the loft, he found Vanessa waiting for him with a bottle of vodka and plenty of beers.
"Hello. Since when did my apartment become your watering hole of choice?" Dan asked, genuinely glad to see her after the initial surprise.
"Ever since Jenny let me in on her way out. I thought I'd wait for you." She responded, passing him a beer as he sat beside her at the counter.
"After the night I've had…couldn't think of anyone I'd rather drown my sorrows with right now."
"What sorrows?" Vanessa asked.
"It's just…Blair…. Chuck, Serena, Nate stuff. You don't want to hear it." He waved it off.
"I do." She responded, nudging him with her shoulder. "Come on, tell me."
"I would, but it's a long story and then you wouldn't have the time to tell me whatever it is your trying to build up the courage to say." Dan smiled at her.
Vanessa looked as if she was about to protest, then accepted that Dan was right. She passed him the bottle of vodka.
"You might want to start drinking this first."
Three beers and four vodka shots later and Dan and Vanessa were on the floor. He had told her a little about what had happened with Blair and Chuck to pass the time – leaving out the part about him and Blair sleeping together, even though he was sure she had suspected that for a long time –as they both let the alcohol start to take effect. Then she finally let it out.
Despite what they had agreed, Rufus had looked into selling they gallery only to find out that it would take months to sell. He had then gone to a music publishing company who had been interested in buying the Lincoln Hawk catalogue when he was touring last year, Dan had cut Vanessa off there as he started to rant about how he couldn't let his dad sell his life's work for him – but it didn't matter anyway. The publishing company were no longer interested and Rufus had run out of options.
At first, Dan wasn't too disheartened. He had never wanted his dad to sacrifice any more for him in the first place – he was going to do it by himself. Vanessa asked him how much money he actually made. She asked a lot of questions, gently leading him to the conclusion that sheer will wasn't enough.
"Wow. I'm not going to Yale."
"I'm so sorry I let it out like that."
They both lay quietly as the realization sunk in. He simply couldn't do it. It wasn't going to happen.
"It's okay." He said a few minutes later, long after Vanessa had forgotten what she had apologized for. "The sooner I accepted it, the better. At least now I can quit, I mean, there's no reason to carry on being a cater waiter now."
They fell into silence again. As Dan lay there, he found the revelation that he wouldn't be going to the college of his dream quite sobering. It wasn't until he heard a gentle snoring that he realized Vanessa had passed out. He carried her into Jenny's room and lay her down on the bed when he heard a knocking at the door. He had a feeling it would be Blair, but felt no joy at all when he opened the door and saw her face.
"I'm so sorry for what happened today." She said before he even greeted her – not that he was going to. He shoved his hands in his pockets awkwardly, not really in the mood for her sympathy right now.
"It's not your fault." He replied in a tone that wasn't all that convincing – not that he was angry at her, it was just that she was pretty much the last person on the planet that he wanted to see right now. Except, maybe, for Chuck Bass. "Honestly, I should have seen this coming from Chuck, it's exactly the kind of brutal scheme that he should have patented by now."
"He was just hurting." Blair said quickly. "He found and about you and me and-"
"Wait, are you actually defending him right now?" Dan crossed his arms in front of his chest, as Blair stayed silent. "I cannot believe that just a few hours ago you were talking about how you really thought he'd changed and now, after plenty of evidence to the contrary, you're still trying to paint him out to be not the cruel, deceitful sadist that he is. What is it going to take for you to see the truth, Blair?"
To hell with his maturity. He adored Blair, really truly adored her, but he couldn't take this anymore. How long was she going to wilfully overlook the fact that Chuck was not a good person? And why did she still want to?
"That's not fair." She replied. "You don't understand how hard this is for me."
"So, tell me." Dan snapped. "What's hard about it?"
"I had a picture, okay?" She finally spit out, her bottom lip quivering. "I had a picture with Nate and I knew exactly what I was going to get with him. I knew that we could look like the perfect couple and that would have to be enough for me, because I knew that he never really loved me. I had a picture with Chuck too, we'd play games and have schemes, and it would hurt sometimes, but I thought that was us. I thought that was still better than the picture with Nate…and then there's you. I don't have a picture with you. I don't know what to expect, or how this could possibly go and that's scary, okay? And it's really hard to move past what I thought I had…what I have with Chuck. I know what you think of him, but you don't know him like I do. You can't understand what this is like for me."
It was clear as day. Dan had thought it for a while, but she had finally admitted it. Somehow, after everything they had been through, she still had feelings for Chuck. He had been kidding himself. Of course he never had a real shot with Blair.
"Blair, why'd you even come here tonight?"
"I needed to see if you were okay." She said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"I'm not! I'm not okay, Blair, and you would know that if thought about anything other than how hard things are for you-"
"I tried! You wouldn't talk to me after the Seder!"
"Because I was trying to give you space! I meant what I said earlier, I don't want to talk to you until you're not confused anymore and now…I think it's pretty clear where things stand. Today, Chuck purposely tried to humiliate me. And he did it to hurt you. To punish you for daring to see anyone else but him, to goad you into doing something reckless. Then he exposed our relationship in front of Serena and Nate, a relationship that God knows how he found out. Some pretty high level stalking though, I have no doubt. And, you still have your…picture." Dan spat the last word out, disgusted. He didn't know if he was disgusted with her, or Chuck, or the painful future that Blair undoubtedly had before her if she were with him. "You clearly still have feelings for him. And if you can have feelings for him after all that, then…well, it's not very confusing, is it? So, congratulations, Blair. You don't have to be conflicted anymore. Go to Chuck, I hope you two will be very happy together."
"Dan-"
"You have no reason to come to Brooklyn anymore. We're not together, we're not even friends." Dan said, slamming the door shut before Blair could attempt to say anything else.