An Autumn Solstice
Disclaimer: Let me check . . . no, I still don't own Dark Angel.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: M/A
Summary: 'For the test of the heart is trouble . . .'
Author's Note: Blame my cartridge pen; it just doesn't know when to give the angst a rest.
March 2023
"So I take it you're still in the doghouse with our fearless leader, then?"
Alec looked up from where he was sat in headquarters, a sector map unrolled in front of him and a red pen weaved between two of his fingers. Mole wasn't even looking at him as he had asked the question; too absorbed in cleaning out his rifle.
"She told me to shut up this morning," Alec answered.
"So no then?"
Alec smiled, "I wouldn't say that. Max telling me to 'shut up' is actually inside the realm of normal, I've got to admit I was quite pleased with that."
"You boy, are so whipped – your heads spun a full 360 degrees, and is barely still in place."
Alec chuckled. He wasn't going to deny it. Arguing would be just as futile as the hope that Max might some day return his feelings. He wasn't entirely sure Max had forgiven him yet – not that he was surprised. He had put Max through the wringer; it was going to take a lot to restore that trust which had already been tenuous to begin with. But Alec would take what he could – her snapping 'shut up,' at him was more than he had got out of her for the last two months. Max had taken to completely ignoring his presence whenever he was in the same room as her. It hurt; and that Alec knew was the purpose. She was trying to hurt him as much as he'd hurt her – and he took it because he knew he deserved it.
Max's lack of cordiality was expected, and whilst it wasn't what he wanted at all; he accepted it. Logan, on the other hand, was really starting to piss him off. The man had taken on the high and mighty role of being Max's knight in whirring exoskeleton. He sat in on every meeting they had; voting against Alec at every turn and just being an all round pain in the ass. He constantly questioned his loyalties, bringing it up at every opportunity with snide comments. It was a hundred fold worse if Max was within earshot. Max gave no inclination that she heard what was being said by her beloved – and that stung more than Logan's words ever could.
Dewy had volunteered to kick the Ordinary's ass if he ever said anything out of line again, and though Alec would have loved to have been privy to witness such a match, he knew Max would never be able to forgive him if anything happened to Logan.
And so he had sat there enduring it for the last two months – hoping against all odds that the iciness of Max's treatment would begin to slowly thaw.
But the end of their ice age didn't look like it'd be over any time soon, and looking up at the opening door, Alec realised they were in for another spell of arctic gusts of wind.
"Max wants the reports for food supplies now."
Alec threw his pen on to the table. Mole set his gun on his lap, looking up with sparked interest. The other transgenics in the room also lifted their heads in casual curiosity.
"I haven't finished them," Alec said, folding his arms across his chest and leaning back in his chair.
Logan looked far from impressed as he mirrored the X5's stance, folding his arms across his own chest, "You've had three days."
"Have I?" Alec smirked, "Didn't even notice," he shrugged. "I'll have them done for tomorrow."
"Max needs them now," Logan said through gritted teeth.
Alec grabbed a pile of papers from the table, and held them out to Logan, "You can have what I've done so far."
Logan made no move to take the papers, "I have no idea why she even let you back."
Here we go again.
"You're a selfish lazy jerk, and you don't deserve to be part of this."
Alec laughed, "That's funny. Last I checked Logan this isn't really your fight. I mean you are rather lacking in some aspects aren't you?"
There was a hushed snigger from the back of the room.
"At least I have a sense of integrity. You ran out on your own people, and then waltzed straight back in expecting everything to be normal. Oh, not before nearly getting Max killed of course."
Alec's grin disappeared. Of course, they wouldn't be able to get through one insult throwing session without Logan bringing up that night. If Alec could have done things differently, if he could have prevented Max getting shot, he would have pulled out all the stops to do so. There was nothing he regretted more than how he'd dealt with everything the last six months, but he had tried to make amends and do the right thing. His actions may have been enthused by selfish motives to begin with, but he had turned around to do the right thing. He had fought for them with everything he had – just because they hadn't seen it, didn't mean he hadn't been as emotionally involved in their plight. It was funny how Logan always seemed to conveniently forget that if Alec hadn't done what he'd done, White would still be out there, the breeding cult would still be under wraps and the transgenics' freedom and citizenship rights wouldn't be the top bill on the political agenda.
Alec was growing tired of the same arguments, and so he remained silent.
Logan smirked; Alec's lack of retort an apparent victory.
The Ordinary went to open his mouth again, but Max's unexpected entry into the room prevented him from gloating.
"What's going on?" she asked, looking at Logan and blatantly ignoring Alec.
"Your boyfriend was just telling us what a poor excuse of a transgenic I am," Alec answered.
Max didn't say anything.
Logan grinned, "I didn't quite say that, but now that you mention it . . ."
Max looked increasingly uncomfortable as she shifted her weight, "Where's the report?"
Alec was caught completely off guard by the question, and by the looks of things Logan didn't look too thrilled either. Apart from two words this morning, Max had purposely refrained from asking Alec a direct question for the two months he'd been back. His widened eyes and shock was clearly evident as stammering he answered her, "I haven't had a chance to finish it yet."
He waited with baited breath for Max's response.
Expressionless, she said, "Have it ready for tomorrow."
Alec nodded, still entirely stunned.
Max saying nothing else, walked back out of the room.
Logan followed hurriedly behind her.
Mole cleared his throat, "What was that?"
Alec never said anything as he continued staring at the open door.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
Max could hear Logan behind her, struggling to catch up with her. Her head was pounding inside her skull as she was barely managing to keep her emotions bottled up inside. She loved Original Cindy, she really did, but sometimes that woman made far too much sense than was good for her.
She was having her regular chat with her best friend last night, when OC had brought up the issue of Alec and how she was dealing with him being back. There had been an unspoken agreement between the two friends that the subject wouldn't be brought up until Max was ready to talk; but then, completely out of nowhere, OC had decided to break the cardinal rule.
What Max hated most of all was that what she was saying had struck so true; and it had left her uncomfortably unsettled. She had been holding a grudge for so long, she no longer knew if she was mad at Alec for the right reasons. She was undeniably angry and hurt at his decision to run away that night, she was angry that he had been working for them and hadn't said a word to her, but most of all she was angry that she had spent all that time hating him and questioning his morality and loyalty to his people.
It didn't help that she would often steal glances of him with Joshua and Mole, and commit his smile and laugh to her memory. It didn't help that she would sit there and hope that just once, he would turn around and smile like that at her. And there was that other facet to her anger; she shouldn't have been feeling all of those feelings. She shouldn't have wanted to run up to him and hug him so tightly that she squeezed the life out of him just to check he was real. Logic told her she had every right to be angry and to hate him, but her heart just couldn't do it. And that was why she had said nothing to him for the last two months – she was afraid of what would come out when she did.
And Alec wasn't helping either. He was just carrying on as if nothing had changed. That in itself was adding more fuel to Max's fury. Her attempts to ignore him didn't stop him from talking incessantly in her ears. He still cracked his usual jokes, trying to get her to break; and more often than not, she'd find the tips of her mouth curving up into a smile. She always realised of course in a split second, and then would curse herself for not having more restraint, and would then hate him even more.
But, that was just it. She didn't hate him.
"Max!"
She heard Logan's voice calling her from behind. Max squeezed her eyes shut; she just did not want to deal with this now.
"Max!" Logan called again as he neared the halted Max.
Turning around, she watched the man she was supposedly in love with walk up to her, his face far too serious for a Monday morning.
Slightly breathless, he frowned, "Is everything okay?"
Max shrugged, "Why wouldn't it be?"
"It's just . . ." Logan shook his head, "Never mind."
Max's instinctual curiosity insisted she pressed further, but tiredness and a desire to avoid what confrontation seemed to be brewing resulted in Max turning her back on her interest.
Max smiled awkwardly at the man, "I'll talk to you later; you should probably head off home soon."
Logan nodded.
Moving forward, he went to kiss Max goodbye, but she had moved ever so slightly that his lips met only the soft skin of her cheek. He wasn't entirely surprised as Max walked off. Things between them had been incontrovertibly strained since she had been shot and Alec had returned. Truth be told, things had been strained ever since he disappeared. He figured the only common link was Alec – that, and something Max wasn't telling him.
Sighing, he walked out of the building.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
Turning the key to her apartment, Max opened the door, stepped in and shut it softly behind her. Leaning up against the closed door, Max felt a new wave of guilt wash over her. She had shrugged off Logan, her loving loyal boyfriend; because she was too busy occupying her thoughts with another man, with Alec.
It was ridiculous to even try to compare them; at least that was what she told herself any sane person would think. Alec couldn't be trusted; he'd proven that last year. Logan had stood by her through thick and thin and would never desert her as Alec had. But then that irritating voice in her head would jump at the chance to play devil's advocate, and argued fervently for the male X5; because if she looked at things objectively, Alec hadn't abandoned them at all. He had gambled a lot of his trust to end the Familiars' dominance.
He may have initially run for the wrong reasons, devastatingly illuminating the fact that the transgenic she'd freed from Manticore all those months ago had never really changed. But then, he'd turned back; he'd come back. Maybe not sooner then she would have liked, but then his reasons when scrutinised could only be judged as honourable.
Honourable, Max very nearly snorted at such an association with Alec. But it was true, her mind argued.
Max groaned in frustration. Leaving her behind, making her think the worst, making her doubt her relationship with a good man, would never be honourable no matter the intentions.
Moving off from the door, Max made her way to her bedroom. Dumping her jacket on to her bed, Max kicked off her shoes and headed for the shower. She needed to clear her head.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
"I'm thinking you may be out of that doghouse sooner than you think, pretty boy."
Alec glared at Mole.
"How many times Mole, I'm not pretty."
Mole snorted, "So you keep saying, though I'm not sure the string of female X5's hanging round your door every night would agree."
Alec grimaced; those girls were a nightmare, "Don't remind me."
The lizard man chuckled, "You really have got it bad for her."
"Shut up."
The transhuman chuckled even more, "Go talk to her."
"It's too early," Alec argued.
"Yeah, I can see how two months is too early."
"Fine," Alec snapped, standing up, "She'll probably just shut the door in my face."
"Won't know 'til you've tried."
"If she kills me, and then hides my body in pieces, I'm holding you responsible."
"You'll be dead, to hold me responsible," Mole replied with a smirk.
"Right," Alec conceded, "but you'll read my eulogy at the funeral won't you?"
Mole groaned, "Just go, before I shoot you myself."
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
Climbing out the shower, Max pulled a black vest top on, and a pair of comfy slacks. Not bothering to dry her hair, she let the wet strands fall down loosely to frame her face. The water dripped slowly on to her top, leaving damp patches on her back. She didn't care.
Walking into her kitchen she started boiling some water on the gas stove, the smell of coffee enticing her. She really needed a day to just sit on her couch and relax. She was driving herself insane by torturing herself over Alec and Logan. Men in general were more trouble than they were worth. The old adage, 'you can't live with them, and you can't live without them,' sprung to mind. Max groaned; tonight was a strictly male free zone. She even contemplated ringing up OC to come visit her, but then remembered she'd said she would be out with her new honey tonight.
Seemed like she was in for a lonely night. The knock on the door right then, however, said otherwise.
Groaning, Max all but stomped to the door, "This better be good!"
Flinging the door open, Max's eyes opened wide as she stared at her visitor.
"This a bad time?" He asked, knowing full well it was, but didn't turn back nevertheless.
"Yeah," Max said, finally managing to get words out of her mouth, "This is a bad time."
He tried hard not to look so defeated at her cold tone; but the dejection seemed to seep through his words anyhow, "Okay," he nodded, "I'll see you around." Turning around, he walked back down the corridor.
Max could hear OC's voice scolding her in her head, and before she knew what was coming out of her mouth, she'd called out after him, "Alec."
He stopped mid-stride, and looked back over his shoulder.
She sighed, and then opened her door wider, sliding up against it; she motioned for him to come in.
Alec took her up on her offer.
Once inside her apartment, he stood awkwardly in the middle of the small living area as Max shut the door. Turning around, she faced him, barely managing to keep her face devoid of expression, any which may have belied her unease.
"I think we need to talk."
The words had a sort of déjà vu ring to it. She remembered how she had come storming into his apartment that day, saying words of similar effect.
Max would have loved to sweep the looming conversation under the proverbial rug, but then all she had were half rotten floorboards. Instead, she simply nodded; invitation enough for Alec to begin speaking.
"You've been ignoring me," he started with stating the blinding obviousness of the whole situation.
Max said nothing, the implied, "and?" evident in her expression.
Alec took in a deep, steadying breath, "I'm sorry."
He ran an unsure hand through his hair, "I'm sorry I ran without explaining. I just . . ."
Max realised just then that she wasn't ready for this; two months on and the wounds were still as raw as they had been that night she'd let his letter flutter to the ground.
"You know what?" she said interrupting his apology, "I'm kinda busy, maybe another time." She turned back and opened the door, motioning for him to leave.
Alec remained firmly rooted to the spot. His expression, which had only moments ago been clouded with discomfort and insecurity, hardened. "When?" he asked.
Max shrugged, "I don't know. I'm just not ready to deal with this now."
"And when exactly will you be ready to deal with this Max? In what, another two months? Or maybe some time next year? You got a space in your diary where you can fit me in, for say two minutes of your precious time?" He didn't know why he'd snapped; yelling at her certainly wasn't going to help; but he was just so damn tired. He needed to know right there and then whether he'd completely and utterly burnt his bridges with her, or if maybe there was still a glimmer of distant hope.
And just then, Max came to life. It was as if someone had switched the 'on' button. She'd been living on empty for so very long, it was as if she needed some of Alec's energy to recharge her own battery and come to life.
"That's rich! You're the one who ran out on us, why the hell should I even be standing here listening to you dish out some lame excuse; one that I've already heard a million times before. Well, I'm sorry if I'm sick to death of your apologies Alec, but I am. So either change the record, or get out. Then again I have little faith you'll ever change."
She knew those words had cut him, she could tell in the way he'd winced as she'd said them. She would have regretted them if she wasn't so pumped up on adrenaline and believing that he deserved to be pained just as much as he'd hurt her.
Alec laughed quietly, nodding his head, "Don't pretend like you ever gave me a fair go, Max."
Max stared at him, surprised at the turn in the screaming match.
"You've never had any faith in me full stop."
"Yeah, and I wonder why?" Max sneered, with unnecessary malice.
Alec took in a breath, ignoring the fact that Max was obviously looking for a fight. He had something to say, and he wasn't leaving until he'd said it,
"Yes, Max. I have wondered why. First I thought it was Manticore that you saw in me and despised; hence why you couldn't trust me. But then you literally burned Manticore to the ground – so it couldn't be that anymore, right? Then I thought maybe it was cos of Ben - but then I don't think it's that either anymore."
He stepped closer to her; Max folded her arms across her chest in defence.
"You don't have faith in me," he said slowly, "because you don't have faith in yourself."
Max was stunned into silence with the words, but only momentarily as she quickly shook herself out of her short lived stupor. She laughed, "You've finally lost it then?"
Alec wasn't going to be deterred, he continued on, "You don't trust yourself enough to let go, to actually let yourself get close to someone and actually be happy. Look at yourself in the mirror Max. You're not happy, because you'll never let yourself be anything but miserable. Your relationship with Logan is a sham and is as stale as the bread that's been in my kitchen cupboard for the last six months."
"And what would you know Alec?"
"It's obvious to everyone except you Max."
She did nothing but continue to glare at him.
"You're scared of letting anyone in, letting anyone get remotely close to you, because you're scared you're gonna get them and yourself hurt – you're scared you're gonna lose them."
Alec took another step closer to her, inching ever close to invading her elusive personal bubble. She stared up at him resolutely, fighting to keep her face stoic and not belie how hard she was really finding this; or how unnervingly close to hitting the proverbial nail on the head he was.
"And I get it," Alec said, "No one understands that better than me."
And there it was again; Max knew it must probably still torment him. His throw away line of 'I'm always alright,' was nothing if not a sign that Rachel's ghost would forever haunt him.
Releasing an unsteady breath, she closed her eyes. "So why did you do it? If you understand as well as you say you do. Why did you leave?"
"Because I was hurting Max," he answered softly.
Max opened her mouth, eyes once again flaring in anger, but Alec wasn't going to let the conversation escalate again.
"I know you think that's a poor excuse Max, and I don't blame you for thinking so. Look," Alec raked a hand back and forth through his hair, "I'd just lost three men under my command, I had to watch them die and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. But I couldn't help think I could have done something to stop it. I couldn't have expected you not to blame me, if I blamed myself; but I was so unprepared for how much it hurt that you did."
Max interrupted him then, "I never-"
Alec sighed, "You never had to say it Max."
"That still doesn't make what you did ok," Max said.
"I know," Alec nodded, "I know. In some twisted way I thought I would be doing you all a favour. That maybe you'd get more done without me screwing up all the time. To be honest I didn't think anyone would notice I was gone."
Max snorted.
Alec raised his brows at her response, "What? You're gonna tell me to the contrary?"
Max laughed. It wasn't at all spiteful, but laced with a tremor of incredulity and unabashed bemusement. To Alec, it was the most beautiful sound in the world.
"You have absolutely no idea, do you?" She said, with the barest hint of a smile.
Alec's clueless expression was answer enough.
"Those guys," she pointed down, indicating the entire inhabitants of Terminal City, "love you. The younger ones worship the ground you walk on, the older ones respect you. Hell, even I can't get them to look at me the way they used to you."
Now Alec chuckled, "right," he said disbelieving.
"Yeah well, I don't get it either." She said; all traces of brief amusement now dissipating, and being replaced with the dark clouds of despondency. The moment translated into a short silence, which was broken only by Max when she could no longer refrain from unburdening what had been weighing down on her so heavily for far too long.
"It hurt that you could just turn your back on us so easily." She finally said; her voice quiet and edged with so much raw emotion that Alec was momentarily frozen. He searched for the right words, but knew that whatever he said, they would always be inadequate. He never realised until then, just how much he'd hurt her.
"It was never easy – but it was something I had to do."
His reasons had so many other facets, he just wasn't ready to articulate them all, especially to Max; and so he hoped that that answer would do for now.
Max of course knew there was more he wasn't saying, and there was one other question, in particular, Max was desperate to ask, but she was exhausted from all the emotional exposure, and wasn't sure she herself could cope with anymore.
But Max wasn't the only one with questions left unanswered.
He really should have left the conversation there; he should have said goodbye and then turned around and left. But there was something he still had to know. Ironically, he knew the answer to the question he was going to ask before the words had left his mouth, but he asked nevertheless,
"Are we okay?"
The three words hung in the air, precariously balanced, as Max's eyes widened at the question.
It was an entirely stupid and inappropriate thing to ask. They had barely skimmed the surface of what needed to be said, but Alec just needed to know. It was as simple as that. So much was resting on those three little words. Insignificant three little words, used in so many different guises in everyday speech. But when laced together in that order, those words held more power than was fathomable.
Max stared up at him. It felt as if her throat was constricting, choking her as she shook her head, "No." she whispered.
Alec's face fell – there was no point in pretending that that one syllable hadn't just caused his whole world to crash around his feet. He hadn't really expected a fifteen minute conversation to magically heal the rift between them both; but hope could be downright malicious when it chose to be. The only thing, however, was that Max wasn't finished;
"But I think we will be."
And there was that breath of desperately needed oxygen Alec had so very badly needed. His heart was swelling in his chest with irrepressible and welcomed hope. And that was the lifeline he had sought. He nodded, and not trusting himself with anymore than that, and too scared to push any further. He turned and walked out the door.
Max remained still in place, a single escaped tear rolling down her cheek.
She didn't even know why she was crying.
An hour later, and she didn't know why she was still stood there.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
A/N 2: Firstly . . . FINALLY, I managed to get this to upload, I've been trying for nearly a week! What the hell was wrong with ffnet? And secondly, I'm not so sure what to make of this last chapter. Let me know what you thought. Also just to let you know, I've started the next chapter but fast approaching exams and impossible amounts of info to cram into my head means the next update may take a while . . . ducks.
As always, thanks for reading,
SmilinStar
xxx