An Autumn Solstice
Disclaimer: Let me check . . . no, I still don't own Dark Angel.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: M/A
Summary: 'For the test of the heart is trouble . . .'
Author's Note: Blame my cartridge pen; it just doesn't know when to give the angst a rest.
May 2023
It had been nearly a week, but the rumours were still spreading thick and fast like wildfire through Terminal City. It hadn't helped that no one had received confirmation either way. The gossiping was spinning out of control, some of them ravenous in their attempt to keep the rumour mill afloat.
It was a miracle that Max hadn't heard.
Or Alec.
"No, no, no Josh, leave that," Alec called out; arms loaded with two large cardboard boxes piled high, half blocking his view. "That TV's had its day; I'm getting myself a new boob tube – surround sound, widescreen-"
THUD.
Alec stopped mid-sentence at the sound of Joshua dropping the television from his over six foot height on to the wooden floor. The glass of the screen miraculously hadn't shattered, though it had probably left a large dent in the floor of his apartment.
Alec shrugged, "I guess that's one way to do it."
"What on God's green Earth . . ."
Alec moved his head slightly so that he could see past the brown box in front of him and match a face to the voice which had darkened his doorway.
"Hey OC," he grinned; not that the grin met its intended recipient.
"Is that . . ." OC pointed to the now defunct television set on the floor in front of Joshua's feet, she shook her head, deciding not to linger on such trivialities as a large crater in her friend's living room caused by his own beloved boob tube, "Have you seen Max?"
Alec sat the boxes back down, and frowned, "Nope, something wrong?"
"It's just I haven't heard from my girl for a few days – not since all those crazy rumours been flying around."
Alec raised his eyebrows, "What rumours?"
It was OC's turn to display her incredulity, "You seriously haven't heard?"
"Obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be asking."
OC's hand twitched, eager to smack the arrogant transgenic over the head; in the end she settled for a muttered, "smartass."
She motioned for both Alec and Joshua to take a seat.
Bemusedly, both did so.
OC figured they'd need something solid behind them once they heard what she was about to say.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
Hands on hips, Max stood by the window and stared down at what little of the city her four panes of glass showcased. Same old miserable Seattle. Funny how it was now synonymous with supposed freedom. Sure they'd won, the bill pronouncing transgenics to be free reigning citizens having been successfully passed, but that didn't mean they'd won the war yet. The government were still keeping a tight leash on them; it figured that they would have a rather limited definition of freedom. She hadn't really expected much more than that, to be devastatingly honest.
A number of the transgenics, particularly the transhumans, had decided to remain behind in Terminal City. And she understood it. They'd built themselves a home there; they were family and they stuck together. The world was still a daunting place to them; especially since most would be the central focus of finger pointing and malicious sneering, just because they looked so different from normal.
Normal.
What the hell was normal?
Max didn't think anything could really be classified as normal. In fact that word should probably have been swiped from existence centuries ago. Normal. There was no such thing.
Sighing, Max turned away from the dark skies to view her poorly lit surroundings. Home sweet home. It was good to be back, but her return to her old shared apartment with Original Cindy was accompanied by a keen hollowness.
She missed her family.
OC was undoubtedly part of that family, but there were many missing. Joshua was bunking with Alec; Mole, Luke, and Dix were still in Terminal City; Dewy was . . . somewhere; and Logan . . .
Yeah, well that was for another time. Though the name no longer induced an almost catatonic state of melancholy like it used to, it was still a tough subject for Max to broach even in her own mind.
She was lonely. That was the crux of the matter. But then paradoxically she was almost afraid of the company. That of course wasn't entirely accurate. She was afraid of a certain someone's company.
Things weren't perfect between them. The shadow cast by the last few months still hovering over them. Sometimes there was a forced civility between them that was simply stifling. Others they would fall into comfortable silences, that would promptly turn awkward when Max realised how openly vulnerable she was leaving herself. She wished she could turn back the clocks, somehow make everything as it had been; how it should be. The last few months had changed them all, perhaps for the wiser, perhaps for the more cynical or perhaps even both. Either way, they were stronger for it. And so maybe things really did happen for the best.
Lost in her tangle of thoughts, she almost missed the sound of the hesitant knock on her front door.
Pushing a half full box of her clothes against the wall and out of her pathway, she made her way across the living space to open the front door.
She should have known who it was.
He had an uncanny ability to just appear whenever he should wander into her thoughts.
Funnily enough recently it seemed to be a frequent occurrence.
"Hey Max," he smiled. It was a cautious lopsided grin, one that wasn't sure whether his presence was welcome or not.
Max didn't smile back.
It was just who she was; smiles from her were a rarity, so when she did smile, it was all the more special to Alec especially if he was on the receiving end.
"Hey," she said, and turned around to re-enter her living space, assuming he would follow her.
That of course, he did.
Max watched him as he made his way into her peripheral vision. She never turned to fully face him, but she could still see him clearly and tried her hardest to read him.
This was awkward, and she had no idea why that was.
There was something about his stance and expression that screamed hesitancy and doubt. And rather more peculiar still, a certain air of sadness lingered around him, which she could neither define nor explain. The concern that rose inside her was of its own volition, she had no control over it.
That didn't mean she'd ask him unless he brought it up by himself.
And so instead she asked, "I was just gonna make a cup of coffee, want some?"
Alec shrugged, "Sure."
Max nodding moved around the kitchen and put some water on the boil on the gas stove.
Alec watched her, tapping his finger to a nameless beat on the worktop, trying to work out what to say.
OC had warned him that what she had heard were strictly rumours and that they were extremely unlikely to be founded on truths. For one, Max was moving back in with OC, but the still unpacked and seemingly untouched boxes indicated to the contrary.
He figured there was no easy way to broach this subject than perhaps just coming out and asking her directly. Or maybe not that directly,
"OC must be either gutted or overjoyed."
Max quirked a brow, staring at him with a little confusion thrown into the mix, "You'll have to ask her that."
Alec nodded, quietly muttering, "right". His unspoken question answered with that single remark.
Turning Max fished two mugs out of a cupboard and placed them on to the kitchen counter. Pouring the hot water into each mug, she looked back up at her visitor.
Alec was staring out the window on the opposite wall of the room from where he was sat; looking far more pensive than she had ever seen before and known that he was capable of.
Curiosity won the minute she thought she could see the reflection of the darkened skies turning his bright hazel green eyes a murky grey.
"Is something wrong?"
Max's uncharacteristic softness in expression was enough to break Alec's trance. He turned to Max abruptly, eyes no longer grey but blazing an almost entirely molten green, "You're happy, though, right?"
Max was taken aback by the turn of the conversation. She opened her mouth, before promptly shutting it again.
He continued to stare at her intensely as she stumbled over her words,
"Uh, yeah, I guess."
He nodded, "That's good." He forced a smile, "That's really good."
Max stared at him, fearing he'd finally lost his mind – all that alcohol finally wreaking its revenge despite being a transgenic.
He moved to stand up, but Max had reached up over the counter and grabbed his hand, stopping him.
He lifted his eyes to meet hers.
Whoever said that the eyes were a window to the soul, had obviously never met Alec. He was the yet to be proclaimed king of building impenetrable fortresses, because no matter how hard anyone ever tried it was hard to see anything of Alec further than what was on the surface.
Of course that didn't mean she hadn't seen him – the part he furiously hid from plain view. She'd seen him that night; when his whole soul had been laid bare for her to see. The anguish, vulnerability, the ghosts that haunted him in his sleep had been there as clear as daylight for her to see, and he had let her see them. And it had simply been because that night he had been so broken and tired, that he had no longer had the energy to build his defences.
And it was now looking up at him, shuttering himself off and distancing himself off from her, that she realised. She finally understood, and could let go of the last part of her who desperately craved to hate him for leaving them. He would never have let her see as much as she had that night, if he hadn't have been so desperate. That maybe she had been partly to blame, never once taking the time to say anything that would have shown how much he had meant not only to her, but everyone at Terminal City.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. The words held different meanings to both, neither aware of their asynchronous wavelengths.
"Yeah," he whispered, his voice catching in his throat.
"I'm gonna go," he said, after a deep steadying breath.
He patted the hand that was still on his arm.
She moved around the counter, to stand next to him, slowly sliding her hand out of his grasp as she did so. She almost stumbled forward as she felt a force suddenly work against her.
Alec had grabbed her hand back again, and was looking at it in abstract fascination; turning it over in his fingers, staring at her own.
Max laughed nervously, "Alec?"
"Where is it?" he asked.
Flummoxed, she asked the obvious question, "Where's what?"
He looked up at her, eyes wide, no longer shuttered but alive as he said, "the ring."
The surprise that washed over her expression was blatantly displayed, "the ring?" she asked.
"The engagement ring," he said slowly.
And then it dawned on her.
And all there was left to do was laugh.
Alec continued to watch her far too seriously, his face never once breaking into a grin to match hers.
"I'm not getting married Alec," she finally managed to say.
Silence followed.
"Alec?"
"Wait a minute, then what was . . . why did . . . I thought Logan . . . everyone's saying . . ."
Max frowned, "Everyone's saying what?"
"That Logan proposed last week, and that you said . . ."
"Yes?"
Alec ran a hand through his hair, "Yeah."
"Well no, I didn't."
"You didn't?"
Max shook her head, "No, I didn't because he never asked."
"Oh."
And then the unfathomable happened. Alec was blushing. His cheeks had become tinged with a soft pink, and his eyes had dropped to the ground, avoiding hers.
"So let me get this straight, the whole of Terminal City thought Logan and I were engaged?"
Alec's silence was answer in enough.
"Where the hell did they get that idea from?"
Max of course knew how whoever had started the rumour had jumped to that conclusion, because truthfully she had feared that Logan had been planning something of a similar scale last week. Not to propose, no, but some other undetermined next step in their rather stale relationship. Her fears hadn't been unfounded; Logan's behaviour in the weeks leading up to that lunch date had been suspicious at best; he'd been dropping hints like anvils. Of course, before he'd even opened his mouth and asked the question, she had made up her mind long before.
It had saddened her, but not as she thought it once would. The man she had loved for so many years, was still the same, and whilst she was loathe to use the tired phrase, "It's not you, it's me;" that's just exactly what it was. Logan hadn't changed, but she had.
It was a nice place. There was absolutely nothing wrong with the restaurant. She just didn't really fit in. It was a little high class for her likings, and the waiter was a snobby ass; but other than the fact she felt out of place and uncomfortable, she couldn't really complain.
Of course the timing sucked. She was their leader, and here she was eating an overpriced lunch when her entire family were waiting anxiously without her for news that was to shape their futures. It was a testament to how much she had changed, how much they had grown apart, that she would rather be packed together in a stuffy, raucous mess hall than be here with her loving boyfriend.
"I'm sorry," Logan said.
Max looked up, "For what?"
"I know the timing's off, and that you feel like you should be with everyone else back in Terminal City-"
Max cut him off, "It's okay, I mean you couldn't know right?"
"We could go back if you want?"
Max shook her head, "They'll be alright."
Logan smiled tightly, raising his wine glass, he said, "To freedom, and us."
Max raised her glass to the toast.
They continued to eat in a mutual silence, only broken by Logan after they'd finished their main course, "I've been thinking," he started.
Max felt the stirrings of panic in the pit of her stomach. It was now or never.
"I think that we should . . ." Logan paused.
Max waited with baited breath, as Logan started again, this time reaching over the top of the table to grasp her own hand in his.
"Once the bill's passed, I think we should move out of Seattle. Start again afresh. Together."
He was watching her intently, his hope displayed in all its sincerity clearly on his face. Max didn't want to be the one to shatter it, but courage sought she did what was right for the both of them.
"I can't," she whispered.
And if that hadn't been hard enough, she slowly slid her hand out from under his. The symbolisation not lost on Logan.
"Why?" he asked, voice hoarse.
"Because I belong here."
"Don't you see, after the bill's passed, you're free, you don't have to be a leader anymore? Max, you need to let them live their own lives. But more importantly, you need to live your own life. You deserve to be happy too Max."
Max could feel her eyes well up with unshed tears. She shook her head, "They're my family."
Logan nodded. Looking up, his eyes searching he asked quietly, "And what am I then?"
She had no answer that wouldn't break his heart.
Alec's "I have no idea," lead her back from memory lane to the present.
She sighed, rubbing a tired hand across her face as she sat on the stool beside the kitchen counter.
Alec watched her, "Max, what's wrong?"
She shook her head, laughing quietly, almost dejectedly.
Looking up at him, her gaze latched on to his expressive and concerned hazel greens, "He wanted me to leave Seattle with him. So I guess the rumours weren't far off."
As quick as his heart had risen it had fallen right back down to the depths of desperation with those words. Looking at the unpacked boxes he almost wanted to die right there.
"So," he cleared his throat, "When do you leave?"
Eyes wide, Max stared up at him, confusion written all over her face.
Standing up slowly, her eyes never leaving his face with dawning realisation, she said, "You think I said yes?"
He took a step back from her, "Its fine Max. You've done what you had to do, and no one deserves a new start and some happiness more than you." His voice strong and steady, the complete opposite to how he was actually feeling. He nodded his head in finality, and outstretched his hand.
Max stared at the proffered hand.
She made no move to shake it.
Heart crushed to smithereens, Alec retracted his hand. A slight tremor ran though his arm as he did so. All he could think was that she hadn't forgiven him. She still hadn't forgiven him, and now she was leaving.
"Good luck, Max," he whispered, before turning around and walking towards the door, feeling detached and numb.
Shock didn't begin to even encompass Max's feelings, but she knew she had to act fast. She had to resolve the misunderstanding before he left thinking she hated him; when nothing could be further from the truth. Not that she knew it herself.
"I said no," she said to his back.
He stopped mid-stride. He didn't turn around to face her as he heard her soft footsteps approaching him from behind.
He could feel her breath lightly on his back, but he daren't turn around. He wasn't entirely sure her words had registered let alone understood the implications of them. Max's long fingers curled around his upper arm and he felt her pulling him to turn to face her.
He could have been in no way prepared to face what he saw when he finally met her eyes.
He wasn't sure she'd ever looked at him with so much sincerity, candidness and, most heart flutteringly of all, affection.
"I turned him down," she repeated for clarity's sake for it seemed Alec was still caught in the whirlwind of confusion.
He would have said something but his brain seemed to be piecing everything together with milliseconds of lag.
Max managed a small smile, "I told him I belong here; that this is my home. My friends, family are all here. I couldn't just get up and leave everything I've ever known."
"Not even for Logan?" Alec asked.
The question surprised her but she answered without missing a beat, "Especially not for Logan."
Alec shook his head, stepping aside from Max he moved over towards the window on the far wall, "Why?"
"Why do you think, Alec? You said it yourself. Our relationship was going nowhere."
Alec let out an unexpected laugh, "So what you just gave up?"
Max hadn't expected that either, "What the hell do you want me to say Alec? That I no longer loved him, because I do love him. I always will, but that doesn't mean I'm in love with him."
He said nothing.
Max was angry and she didn't even know why.
"I thought you'd be happy," she half spat.
"And why's that Max?"
Her mouth snapped shut. She didn't know what possessed her to say that. The implications were enormous, and she wasn't sure what she expected to hear and whether she wanted to hear it.
Alec turned away from her to stare back out the window in resolute silence. He ran a hand over his face, the action a symbol of his exhaustion. Emotionally he'd been put through the shredder and he had no idea why he felt so angry all of a sudden.
Perhaps it was the fact that for so long all that Max had known was Logan. And now the fact that she just so easily dismissed him made him wonder, albeit not of his own free will, if she would be so cavalier in her attitude to other people in her life. And it scared the hell out of him.
"I'm gonna go," he said finally, quietly.
But Max had other ideas.
Planting herself firmly in front of her door, and his only escape route, she stopped him in his paces.
They had been skirting the issue for so long, Max was too tired to draw out the unnecessary for any longer than was needed.
"Max?" Alec intoned his voice low in warning.
"No," she said, "You're not going, not until we sort this out once and for all."
"There's nothing to sort out. You and Logan are over, you're staying in Seattle with OC, good for you, there's nothing to talk about."
"Why did you come back?"
Floored at the question and the abrupt turn of the conversation, Alec stared at her. Their whole encounter had been weird: odd bits of conversation woven together haphazardly, neither one really answering any of the questions that continued to linger and fester in their minds. It seemed Max was taking the bull by the horns and finally trying to get somewhere with their intricate and convoluted dance.
"Why do you think I came back?" he retorted.
"Stop it!" Max all but yelled, "Just answer the damned question, Alec."
Silence ensued.
"Don't feed me that same bullshit story about wanting to fight against the Familiars on your own 'terms' and making a bloody difference. You did that fine, but you didn't have to come back with us. Why did you?"
"You really want me to spell it out for you Max?"
His face loomed dangerously close to hers. His hot breath firing her cheeks, his eyes wide enough to see each individual fleck of colour in his irises. She shouldn't have let her gaze drop any further, but they instinctively fell to his lips and she was assaulted by the memories of that night, which only served to remind her of that kiss.
Alec followed her gaze, and he almost lost all self control there and then.
He figured she just enjoyed tormenting and torturing him. And he bore it. He knew she would never feel the same way as he did, but every now and again, Max would taunt him with glorious glimmers of hope; just like the way she was staring at him now. He could peg the look on her face to so many different things, but the fact that her heart pulsated right through her chest and straight through his own, entwining and gripping viciously at his own heart resulting in them both beating in synch, cast shadows of doubt in his head as to whether he was interpreting her right.
Maybe just maybe, they were finally on the same wavelength.
And so he inched forward.
And this time it wasn't him that finally closed the distance.
It was her.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
A/N 2: Okay folks, just an epilogue to go now! Please review! You know that nice purple button? It's just calling out to be pressed! Make this writer smile, you know you want to!!!
SmilinStar
xxx