September, 1995
I usually write in my journal at night to reflect upon the events of the day before I sleep. On full moons, I must adjust my schedule. Cut short my day, the way I have always feared my furry little problem would cut short my life…or someone else's.
After the attack, my mother reprimanded me every time I demonstrated anger. I had to control the beast within me, she said. Even when I was not transformed, if I bit someone, or scratched them, they would bear the marks forever. The wounds would be cursed, as I was cursed.
When our family had picnics at the park and I found children willing to play, I went out of my way to be agreeable. If a playmate wanted to play with my toy, I gave it to them. If I was on a swing and they asked for a turn, I immediately complied.
If I encountered two children having a row, I backed away. If another child tried to start a row with me, I ran. I knew if I accidentally harmed someone, I would be locked away like a dangerous animal.
Werewolves always made the front page of all the newspapers when they were arrested. There were never any photographs of the transformed monsters, but artists supplied drawings that seemed to jump out from the page.
I would stare in horrified fascination until my mum snatched the Daily Prophet out of my hands. She always sent me to my room after confiscating the paper.
I was supposed to reflect on the consequences of allowing the beast of anger to control my actions. Instead, I would stare at my reflection in the mirror and think, was that what I looked like every full moon? Were my eyes eerily human in a wolf's face, claws and teeth bared, ready to kill and maim anyone who crossed my path?
It was hard to believe. I was so ordinary. I curled my fingers into claws and snarled, yet still could never picture what I looked like as a werewolf. I told myself it was because the monster I became once a month had nothing to do with who I really was.
During my years at Hogwarts, I did my best to be a model student. I made high marks and was never in a fight.
I was also never made a target by Slytherins, because James and Sirius acted as lightning rods, drawing all hostility. I was grounded and protected by their friendship.
Perhaps that is why Sirius's fifth year "prank" disturbed me so greatly. He was drunk and not thinking straight when he sent Snape to the secret passage beneath the Whomping Willow, but still. If I'd harmed Snape, I would have spent the rest of my life in Azkaban. If I had killed him, my life would have been forfeit.
I was plagued by nightmares for years afterwards.
My memories of those moments were hazy at best, but my dreams were sharply in focus. In most, I dreamt that I mauled Snape and was dragged away with his curses ringing in my ears. In the worst ones, I killed Snape and woke shuddering as a Dementor approached to give me a fatal "kiss."
The fears that followed me into my dreams last night were different than those in the past. I didn't worry on my own behalf. I feared for Nymphadora.
I dreamt that my partner had bypassed Kreacher and Sirius to be with me. In my nightmare, she walked boldly into the attic and dropped to her knees before the circle of containment. With a recklessness that made my heart seize in dread, she reached out to the wolf, sure that he wouldn't harm her.
I awoke when canine teeth broke skin.
Even now, the recollection makes a cold shiver run down my spine. The dream is not beyond the realm of possibility.
I have decided to send Nymphadora an owl, tell her that it is better she not see me until the morning. I would prefer to kiss her before I have to prepare for the change, to cling to what I value most about humanity before it is ripped away from me, but I dare not. My love is too impetuous.
Best to send the owl...and ward the attic door shut.
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A/N: Now you know why Remus was so concerned. His nightmare came true, in a way. The readers who reviewed and made a writer's dream come true last week were... 40/16 alix33 Calenmarwen Carnivalgirl cupcakeswirl ElspethBates Embellished FNP Freja Lercke-Falkenborg Io. sono. Emilia ishandtwofourths Kileaiya ladyofthebookworms lauraart123 LolaCherryColaGirl MollyCoddles Moontime Nethiel Nessime rillie siriuslycoco and Sophia Loren
Added note: This 'entry' corresponds with ch 12 of Moonlight and Shadow.