December, 1995...
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I cannot sleep.
I took a shower and lay down upon the bed, expecting to fall asleep within minutes. Instead, my mind raced with thoughts and images.
The expression on Nymphadora's face when she left haunted me. She was hurt by my distant manner, although trying not to show it. I saw through her determined smile, and her husky voice had been a dead giveaway.
I just didn't know what to do about it.
Subconscious as it may have been, she had constructed a dream in which she transformed into a woman, and my wolf became aware that she was his mate in human form.
The knowledge that the wolf licked her face made me almost physically ill. I wanted the beast nowhere near her. When it came to Nymphadora, I wanted the two parts of my life to remain divided, as far apart as the east from the west, the way my mother taught me to consider them.
I had tried to roll onto my side and squeeze my eyes shut tightly, as though I could will myself to slumber. It had not worked. Memories from the past resurfaced.
I could see my mother's eyes blazing with suppressed anger as she watched me throw down Floo Powder to leave my grandparents' home. When she exited our fireplace a few moments later, her cheeks were red. I knew it was because grandfather had asked if it was 'safe' for me to visit now that I was a werewolf. He said grandmother was afraid.
I remembered vividly the way Mum knelt and put her hands on my shoulders. She told me not to be upset, that old people were set in their ways, but we would change their view about my condition. In time, they would see that I was the same boy I had always been.
Equally vivid was the memory of the day my friends confronted me with the truth of my 'illness.' Sirius thought being a werewolf must be so cool. He wanted to be able to transform too. He didn't want to be a wolf, in case he ran across a superstitious Muggle with a firearm, but he did want to be something that would give his hag of a mother a fright.
James was the one who researched the transformation spell. Peter couldn't decide whether or not he wanted to become an Animagus until Sirius asked if he was a man or a mouse. Peter said he was a man, but later I found it painfully ironic that his Animagus form was a rat.
Sirius, James, and Peter never considered the werewolf as a separate being, although 'furry and more fun' was Padfoot's declaration on more than one occasion. The wolf was always eager for the most perilous jaunt into the forest, while I would question the advisability of risk-taking.
I tossed and turned on the mattress, unable to find a comfortable position, because my true discomfort came from within. I had happily shared my friends with the wolf, but I could not bear to share my partner.
I gave up trying to sleep and decided to write down my thoughts and feelings, hoping to gain perspective. I think I have.
My mother stressed that I was not the wolf. People didn't say, 'oh, there's that cancer, don't get too close,' did they? She thought it was equally wrong to say 'he's a werewolf, stay away from him.'
My friends had a different attitude. They felt I should embrace the wolf, and since I got furry once a month, I should have fun with it. They wanted in on the fun, and I would be lying to say I didn't enjoy planning our adventures. It would be false as well to say my human mind had been entirely detached from what the werewolf experienced.
Nymphadora said the wolf knew she was his mate in another form because my human mind enabled the animal to understand. I fought not to believe that was true, but now must admit it was.
I can accept the wolf's awareness of the dual nature of his mate, but I don't want a repeat of last night's dream. Since Nymphadora's spell has increased my energy without draining hers, I will concede that it was not Dark magic, and offer a compromise.
We will be together on full moons. The wolf will have the companionship of his mate: the wolf, not the woman.
Now I must find Nymphadora. Only when she lies beside me will I sleep.
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A/N: Remus has issues. :D. I'm grateful for readers who have a fondness for complicated men, and a fondness for reviewing! The people I was extremely fond of for reviewing the last chapter were...♥ 40/16 ♥ adrienne06052 ♥ alix33 ♥ Calenmarwen ♥ cupcakeswirl ♥ ElspethBates ♥ Embellished ♥ Enorance ♥ FNP ♥ Freja Lercke-Falkenborg ♥ GraceRichie ♥ Io. sono. Emilia ♥ ishandtwofourths♥ ladyofthebookworms ♥ LolaCherryColaGirl ♥ MollyCoddles ♥ Moontime ♥ Nethiel Nessime ♥ Operamuse ♥ RahNee ♥ rairaichan ♥ remus r us ♥ siriuslycoco ♥ Slipknot-3113 ♥ Sophia Loren ♥ sunny9847 ♥ and ♥ WriterMerrin ♥
♥ Added note: This 'entry' corresponds with chapter 23 of Moonlight and Shadow.